A letter from an egg donor

(I've added a poll at the end of this post)

A letter from a friend of mine who is an egg donor. 

Hey T,

I've gotten myself into a bit of a tricky situation. I need some outside advice.

I've done 7 egg donations. I basically did them one after another for 2 years while I was in grad school. It was a very rewarding thing, despite the hassle. I do exactly the same process as someone getting IVF up through the retrieval. It was painful at times, and took up a lot of time and energy. It was  unpredictable, since the retrieval day and the associated appointments are determined by how the follicles are developing. I also can't run for the month surrounding the retrieval, which drives me crazy. Running is the one thing I do to stay sane, and it's bad to take that away when the hormones are all messed up. Still, I knew I was doing an important thing. The money was nice, though not my main reason. I loved that I was helping people in a really difficult and important life situation.

I haven't done a donation in 2 years, even though the clinic has occasionally called to tell me a bunch of different couples want to use me as a donor. I needed a break. Now that I have a real job and responsibilities, the hassle of it is even more significant. I also am divorced, so I don't have my very supportive husband here to help me through it.

The clinic called me on Friday. A couple that I donated before had a child from it. They tried an FET with the remaining embryos and it failed. They want to have a second child that's genetically related on both sides to their first one. Thus, they need me to do another donation. I agreed to do it, because I see how important that can be for a couple, and because it seemed pretty damned selfish to say "no" just because I didn't want to suffer for a few months. The clinic told the parents and everyone is very excited that I've agreed to do this.

But every time I think about it, I am seized with anxiety. I really really really don't want to do it I don't want to go through the pain and the swelling and the crazy birth control (I'm on a nice 3 month low dose with extra estrogen to prevent migraines right now. The stuff they make me take causes debilitating migraines for 10 days when I stop the real pills until I'm fully back on them). I don't want to stop running or deal with the schedule of doing an IVF within the first few months of starting my new job. I may potentially have to skip some work travel if I do this. And I don't want to stop running for that month. I don't need the money, and it doesn't affect my decision. Everything about the process makes me want to run away, except I feel this weird moral obligation to the recipient family.

So the question is, what do I do? If I back out, will I be devastating this family? Is this the kind of thing where they might skip having a second child rather than getting another donor? Should that matter in my decision? I would really like some honest feedback about this, from you or from others who may understand this situation. Right now, I feel like I'm going to be overwhelmed with anxiety and crying until this is all done sometime in late November.

                           ---------------------------------------------------------

What would you say to my friend?  Please state in your reply whether you are dealing with infertility or not.  I would like to see how that affects your opinion, if at all.

Comments

[cooler*doula]

Not dealing with infertility... If I were her, I would back out. Whether she will, or whether she'd end up feeling guilty if she did, I can't say. But, her body, her choice. As a gender, I think we do a rather awful job of looking after ourselves, and I would advise her, based on her saying "Everything about the process makes me want to run away" that she should honor her response, and put herself first here.

[Julie]

Am not dealing with infertility. It sounds like your friend has her own issues to deal with and should not be taking on this situation at this time. Her emotional state does not sound all that solid and I think she needs to take care of herself. she has already done quite a bit. If it were my friend I might inquire as to whether she thought if might be better in the near future and it the recipient parents would be willing to wait 6 months and if she felt better about it by then go forward, or they could then look for another donor. I feel very strongly that she should not make herself responsible for their happiness/decisions.

[Orange]

I agree with cooler*doula that your friend should place her own needs first. Yes, the couple will be disappointed, but when you choose egg donation, there's absolutely no guarantee that you can use the same egg donor again. It's not as if full siblings always look alike and (biologically) half-siblings look dissimilar. The couple's desire for genetically matched children strikes me as a little silly given that neither of them provided the egg!

Going ahead despite her many reservations just seems a little too Handmaid's Tale, and no woman should undertake risk, discomfort, and inconvenience if she doesn't embrace it fully.

(I have a seven-year-old thanks to Gonal-F but didn't need IVF or donor gametes.)

[akeeyu]

Am dealing with infertility, haven't needed donor gametes yet.

She needs to let the couple know how she feels. Maybe not in all its glorious detail, but say something along the lines of "I'm in a different place right now and am feeling apprehensive about the risk of donation again. I would like X amount of time to think about it."

Would it change her feelings if the couple would not pursue anybody else's donor eggs? Would it change her feelings if they would?

Ultimately, it's not her responsibility to do this for anybody else.

For me, it usually comes down to which decision you'd regret more, doing Y or NOT doing Y.

[hschooling ema]

had infertility issues, must agree with all the above- what is the rush? this is clearly not a good time. admittedly, there may never be a good time, but for sure not now. why not revisit the issue at a time that is good for you?
i really do feel for your friend Tertia- i make all sorts of crazy commitments to people that are extremely inconvenient to me, and i would be feeling intense anxiety that i had already said yes-----nonetheless, from the outside looking in- you dont owe them this---you are allowed to "change your mind" (actually, realize you rushed into this without considering your own needs).
i am also feeling a bit squiffy about this clinic that doesnt sound as if they gave your friend proper counseling before THIS decision, or helped her to consider her own needs, instead of just their clients needs/desires.

scratch that I am feeling QUITE squiffy about the clinic's priorities- they knew she had been saying no, they knew she was eager to help (did it seven times), just doesnt smell right.

[vanessa]

I have never dealt with infertility and am lucky enough to have two beautiful children.

I do think your friend should have thought it through thoroughly before making an initial decison.I am trying not to be judgemental but I dont think it is fair for her to say she would do it and now change her mind.She should have asked for a few days/weeks to think it through instead of saying yes and now changing her mind.

It would be so devastating to the prospective parents.Why did she say yes initially if her instincts were no?

She has already given them such a gift (the first child)and if she had not given an answer yet and was actually trying to make the initial decision in her present frame of mind I would have said i dont think she should do it , but she said yes and now wants to say no...I just dont think thats fair.

[Pam]

Dealing with infertility, and using an egg donor. I can understand the desire for the recipient couple to have children genetically related to each other. Regardless of who provides the egg (or sperm) parents want their children to resemble each other, and hopefully one of themselves. In addition, if there is any medical need in the future (ie. bone marrow) it is always desirable to be able to look to one's immediate family for possible donors. However, for Orange to say that it's silly for this couple to want this as neither provided the egg is unfair and ignorant of their desire to produce children in the same manner as any other parent would - related, sharing similar characteristics, simply looking alike and bearing resemblance to each other. How would a parent feel if they produced multiple children with the same spouse and each child looked completely different from the other? How would those children feel? It's a little short sighted for someone to say the recipient couple gave up that right and desire simply because they needed help to conceive.

On the flip side, I also understand the feelings that the egg donor has. When choosing an egg donor, we do so with the understanding that she may not be available for future egg donation cycles. One hopes that after successfully conceiving a child you will end up with enough fertilized eggs that there is a chance that you will be able to have a second (or third) child. It's unfortunate that the recipient couple was unsuccessful with their FET. They have asked the agency about their donor in the hopes that she is available. (I would have.) They've probably been told that she hasn't been active for the last two years but the agency has inquired of the egg donor if she would do it for them as this would be a second child. She does not need to feel obligated to do this for them just because she provided the egg for their first child. She has moved forward in her own life. She needs to evaluate how cycling is going to affect her own life, her job, her health and her well being. If she has the least bit of apprehension and indecision, she should tell them that she is not available. They will be disappointed but they will move on.

[jodie]

I have been through IF (no donor eggs though) and now have 2 small children.

OK, firstly she is an amazing person for donating seven times. She should never forget what a wonderful gift she has given these families and feel very proud about that.

Each and every donation is a separate decision. You don't sign on to be a perpetual donor. Each time you say "I feel good about donating now, this time". Or, as she is feeling now, sometimes the answer is "no". Giving someone a gift that has the potential to make them happy and fulfilled is one thing, but having a responsibility to do so is a completely different matter. It is completely understandable that this family would hope for a genetically matched sibling and inquire, but there is absolutely no moral obligation to do so. It is her body and her life. And I think donating eggs when you are much younger is a totally different prospect. As you get older you start to think of children of your own, or your relationship, or career or passions (such as running). Life isn't as free and easy any more and ther eis more to consider.

What if other families came back wanting 2, 3 or 4 more children? As I said, fair enough for them to ask but the decision always rests with the donor and there should be no guilt in saying no. Don't let those feelings taint the wonderful gift you have already given, nothing can detract fom that.

[oliviacw]

If she doesn't feel good about doing this now, she shouldn't. And she doesn't need to give an explanation. The family will get over it. If she would feel better giving a "legitimate" reason, she can ask the clinic to tell the family that after medical review, she's not able to at this time and is not sure if she will be able to do it in the future. She doesn't have to be more explicit than that, and I do believe that "debilitating migranes" are a perfectly valid medical reason for deciding against it, especially given the other things in her life.

I am not (at this time) dealing with infertility.

[Megan]

I am dealing with infertility, though will not go down the donor egg route regardless of what tests may eventually reveal about the causes of our still unknown fertility issues, though I do not have an issue with anyone else choosing this route. However, I think it is undoubtedly the wrong thing for your friend to do if it's not something she wants to do. Having two children that are biologically related is not necessary to have a happy, complete, connected family. To hschooling ema's point about changing her mind after saying yes ... we're all entitled to change our minds. Sometimes things seem not so bad at first, but then as it sinks in, it's not the right thing. There are disappointments left and right when dealing with infertility. While she perhaps should have considered this request longer, she has every right to say it is too much for her to handle and say no. She is not responsible for either their happiness nor their family needs. Her generosity already exceeds that of most people.

[Flower]

First and foremost she should listen to her inner feeling/gut instinct. It is screaming 'no' for a reason whatever that reason may be. She should let the clinic know asap. She can see where she is in a few months but then again perhaps her job as a donor is over seeing she has not donated in 2 years. Therefore, she should think about that and take herself of the clinic's books - if that is how it works. I also understand that the couple would like to have another genetic match to their child. It keeps the genetic mix between them all as simple as possible in their situation. But they will have to make their own mind up what is next and your friend should try not to worry about it. It is not her job to make them happy. Her responsibility is to herself. I wish her all the best, it can't be an easy place to be in.
My status : Dealing with fertility problems.

[tess]

did ivf/iui/had the clomid/charting crap yrs.

i don't understand your friend's situation, but i do understand the concept of obligation. her first priority needs to be herself and her emotional and physical well being. she's gone through a very challenging time.

i think your friend has been extremely generous, and needs to contact the clinic and explain her circumstances have changed and she is no longer physically and emotionally able to undergo the stimulation process. she is not morally obligated to do so, and the family, instead of being resentful of ED's decision, will hopefully remember how excellent she was to work with in the past and how happy they are with their child.

[vevs]

I agree that she needs to put her own needs first this time. I usually feel that same sort of moral obligation to other people (although i've never donated eggs) and have only recently realised how self-destructive it can be. Now if I'm asked to do things that really put me out emotionally/physically I am able to say no. Not all the time, but I'm getting there.

I have never struggled with infertility, but I know that if I had, I would do ANYTHING to have a child or two or three. Absolutely anything. If those people want another child for the right reasons they will choose another donor and respect her decision not to go through with it.

As for the comment that it would be devastating to the would-be parents, yes I think it would be hard for them but not devastating. Their aim is to have another baby. And your friend is not the only means whereby they can achieve that. I think in that instance they're being a bit picky if that makes sense? They will get their baby, just not from her. Their overall aim is satisfied, just by different means. If they want a baby that badly then they will deal with that. I certainly would.

She needs to look after herself. Nobody will do that for her.

(i really hope i dont come across as sounding unsympathetic to the would-be parents.. thats not my intention. i feel sympathy for them but i think your friend needs to think of herself)

[Unicorn]

Firstly, I can only admire you for donating 7 times!! I have only been through IVF once and if this does not work now I'm not sure I would rush into trying it again.... so I really admire anyone that has had several attempts at this and especially if you're unselfishly doing this for the benefit of others.

Secondly, I am going to disagree with most of the postings. I think that if I were in your shoes and had already helped this family out a 1st time, that I would do it again (especially knowing how important it is to them to have the same source for the eggs) and then close the chapter and let the Clinic know that this would be my final attempt. However, I am not in your shoes and please note that this is only my opinion and that if I were in your situation I may at the time feel differently as there are many factors that come in to play with a decision like this. Good Luck in your decision and whichever way you go, will be the right way for you!

PS. Just out of interest, can anyone confirm how much one gets paid for donor eggs or donor sperm? ... or where I can find this information?

[Liz]

IF has taught me one thing, never judge someone else's decision - you may not know the full story.

I do have to say though I would think your friend knew the emotional and physical cost of ED and shouldn't have said yes quickly.

[margalit]

No longer dealing with infertility. I think she should back out. I know the couple will be very sad and hurt, but this woman doesn't want to do it again. She knows her body's reactions to the meds, she knows how time consuming the process is, and she's aware that this is a long term commitment. What happens if this couple comes back for baby # 3 and 4? She isn't a slave to them. She did the donation but that doesn't mean that she has to continue providing siblings for this family as long as they want to add children. That's so close to emotional and physical slavery I find it abhorrant that the clinic even asked after she said no.

[Stef]

I'm not dealing with infertility. It's so obvious from your friends letter that she so doesn't want to do this. What I would say to her: Don't crucify yourself over this. You've done more than most to help other couples. You said you are now divorced and that you are a runner? I'm also divorced and also a runner, I know what running can do for a person, look after yourself now, this is your time. No guilt, no regrets ok?

[Ashlee]

What an awful situation to find yourself in. It's got to be so hard to want to do the right thing for this family, but knowing that it's not right for you. What an amazing person to have already done this seven times. She should be praised for her generous spirit, and not feel guilty that this time it's just not going to work out. It's unfortunate that she already told this couple yes, but she has the right to change her mind. The only person she has to answer to at the end of the day is herself. If she's not in the right place to do it, she's just not.

Am sending big hugs of support her way!!

*Fertility unknown, have PCOS, but not TTC yet and still have the Rose Colored Glasses firmly nailed to the face.

[goodsandwich]

I have not had infertility issues. But if she feels she does not want to do this, she must not. Frankly, the clinic giving her all those details about why this (otherwise lovely) couple is keen to go with her eggs again, is emotionally manipulative on the part of the clinic. She can't un-know what they told her, but that particular family's situation is NOT her responsibility.

[Anonymous (for purposes of this comment)]

INFERTILITY R US -- countless IUIs, 6 IVFs, 2 FETS - 1 biological child; 1 DE child

We are fortunate to have remaining embryos from our DE cycle which produced our second child, but if -- like this couple -- we had nothing frozen and went back and asked the donor for another cycle and she said yes . . . only to say no a short time later, we would be devastated. The biological link obviously means a great deal to this couple and I agree with Liz's comment above: having already donated 7 times (and in the US that can mean $7,000+ a cycle), what didn't your friend understand when she quickly agreed to another cycle now? I'm not unsympathetic to how difficult this will be and remain forever grateful to our own donor -- but a few months of being overwhelmed in the face of this recent commitment seems quite minor when you think about what it means to this other couple.

[paola]

I'm not dealing with infertility (though have had many previous miscarriages). Firstly I would like to say that this woman sounds unbelievably unselfish and brave. Secondly, for me it would somehow 'taint' my baby to know that it had caused someone else so much mental pain and suffering. I think this person should explain her feelings to the couple just as honestly as she has laid them out here. How could they possibly complain?

[Trish]

I am dealing with infertility and used a donor to conceive my son via IVF.

I really admire what your friend has done and of course it is her decision to donate again and she must do what she feels is right. BUT having said that I would be devastated if the same donor could not be used for any future children of mine. It would probably take me a while to get over the pain and I would be unable to continue treatment for a while but ultimately I would probably go on to try and have a different donor child. The whole issue of using donor in the first place is so emotional and you give up so much in terms of biological links etc that to give up further links between your children is very heart breaking. It is so easy for others who have not had to use donor to comment that it is not important or even "silly" to want your children to be completely biologically related but I promise you it is important to the parents. It doesn't mean that your friend, the donor, is obliged to do it, it is completely her decision and she is already a hero to me but please don't underestimate how important it is to the parents.

[Suzie]

Am dealing with infertility. Have two year old DD after numerous IVFs. Did use my own eggs though.

It feels a little manipulated to me. And not fair to her. Is it too strong to say emotional blackmail? A biologically related sibling is preferable, of course but it's not the only option out there.

She should be honest with her couple. Honesty is the best way I do think. But she needs to do it NOW. She's been such a good friend to infertile couples and she needs to put herself first at this point in her life.

Suzie

[Rosie]

Have not being dealing with infertility for two years, but back on the wagon. Your friend should not have agreed so quickly without thinking the situation through. But it is her life and her body and she is the only one that can make the right decision for what is best for her.

If I was the prospective mother and knew the egg donors feelings and what she will have to go through again, and I the mother having been through what she has been through and probably worse, I would understand the egg donors position. I would not be able to live with myself as the mother knowing that I caused pain and anguish for the person who has helped so many families already including my own just to achieve my objective.

I wish her all the best in making her decision. It is a tough one.

[Lisa]

I am not dealing with infertility.
My best friend is infertile so I know all about the ugliness and emotional turmoil that this can cause in your life. I totally understand the couple wanting their children to be genetically related. If I were in that situation, I would want the same. I also know that it cannot possibly be an easy decision for an infertile to decide to use donor eggs.
I think your friend should go ahead with the process as she gave her word. She needs to finish what she started. By saying yes to something that she did not want to do, she has essentially given false hope to a couple who have gone through enough emotional turmoil with the infertility beast. That is cruel.
Your friend knows what this process (i.e. the egg donation) causes in her life. Therefore, she should have said no in the first place. I think that it would be wrong of her to back out now.

[Tania]

Dealing with Infertility, about to embark on 2nd IVF, 1st successful, beaut 14 mnth boy.

My opinion: As with all things in life, this is about timing. Anyone that has been thru IVF understands the toll it takes on your body, so as an alternative maybe negotiate a better time? You are strictly speaking under very little obligation, except morally. My sister-in-law had her 2 kids thru ED from different donors and they look alike.

One last thought: if the prospective receipients of the eggs had to adopt children, they would probably adopt from 2 different mothers...

[Dr H]

To donate is your personal decision. I have a lot if respect for egg donors. Egg donation is not easy. You should never ever feel obliged to anybody to donate again. You donated many times. Thanks for that, you are wonderful.

[Meredith]

Current status - childless after many fruitless attempts to conceive. Gave up treatment over a year ago, mostly due to age (nearly 42 now). Was offered donor eggs by my neighbour, which was amazing, but we decided that a) she didn't know enough about what was involved, and b) reaching the end of the road was too difficult, and we were finally at peace and didn't want to open up another potential Pandora's Box...

Sorry that was longer than I intended!

I am in Australia. Donors are not paid here, it is a totally alturistic thing. As it is in the UK. It was whilst I was living there, many years ago, that I offered my eggs to my cousin who was suffering infertility and had gone through 2 unsuccessful IVF attempts. Her clinic - very wisely, I can now say with hindsight - said they could not accept eggs from a woman who was childless, or in fact from any woman who had not completed her family. They also insisted on anonymity.

Had I donated eggs then (aged 30), it might (very big might) have been successful. I am really not sure how I could have dealt with having a biological child in the world, now knowing that I can never have my own.

Just another viewpoint. I think your friend should totally follow her gut on this one. Something I struggle with a lot myself! Most importantly, she should NEVER feel guilty. She has done an amazing thing by donating so many times.

[gkk]

Recovering infertile here - 1 IVF kid, 2 natural, no donor gametes.

I certainly don't believe she is under any obligation to the couple, but I do think she should consider it from the point of view of the existing child. Given that child is hers biologocally I do think she has an obligation to do what is best for that child. I know she is not that child's "parent" but the connection cannot be completely discounted. If I were that child, I would greatly prefer any siblings to be "full" siblings. Donor conception could cause issues for the child and sharing a donor would make me feel more secure in the family and would eliminate any "competition" based on the differences between donors. Plus I would think full genetic siblings are more likely to share similar temprements / talents etc.

Reading this back it sounds like I am saying she HAS to do it - I'm not - I just think this is an important angle she should consider.

[Feebee]

Currently about as infertile as can be and considering DE.

It will be our number one priority that the donor is available for subsequent cycles. We still haven't given up on our dream of having a big family and it is very important that our children are genetically related to each other, if not to us.

As an egg donor you have already given more to couples like us than you could ever imagine, it is truly a selfless act. However, I cannot begin to imagine how your recipients will feel if they hear that you have decided to pull out of what they must imagine is a done deal. I know exactly how hard IVF can be and why you would dread another cycle, but if you decide not to go ahead then please make sure your recipients know exactly why it was too hard for you or they may always wonder what might have been.

[Ute]

Not dealing with infertility and agreeing with Orange.

I would so far have considered donating eggs if it were allowed here in Germany. (It isn't, though.) But reading your friend's story here makes me think twice about it, to be honest. I really don't see why one "act of charity" more or less obliges me to agree to another. And another, and another? What happens if in the future that mother decides she wants a third and a fourth child? What if other couples suddenly turn up and demand the same?

Even though one of the commenters said it would be devastating for her if she couldn't use the same donour for any future children - hey, maybe so, but why should that put the donour under any emotional pressure? If such "demands" become standard procedure, it will most likely reduce the number of egg donours available in the first place. Who wants to make this a lifetime commitment? Who wants to be at so and so many other couples' beck and call for an unpredictable number of years & procedures? I wouldn't.

Sorry, no way, José, there's a limit to everything. The donour's emotional obligation to the infertile couple weighs far less than her obligation to herself. Donating eggs once has not made her a medical slave of all receiving couples for the rest of her and their lives. It's _her_ body, and even though she said yes at first she has every right to change her mind.

"In for a penny, in for a pound" is hardly applicable here, I think. Even less so if the donour not only compromises her health but maybe even jeopardizes her carreer. That would be asking a tad too much.

Maybe the couple will not exactly appreciate that, but they do have other options after all.

[geeksgirl]

"Thus, they need me to do another donation. I agreed to do it, because I see how important that can be for a couple, and because it seemed pretty damned selfish to say "no" just because I didn't want to suffer for a few months."

The couple don't need her to do another donation, they would like her to. She's allowed to be selfish and having read your book Tertia and the blogs of some other women who have gone through IVF, "suffer for a few months" sounds more like a trip to hell from which you may or may not return. Not wanting to go through that is not selfish, it's self-preservation.

I think your friend does know what to do, just not how to do it. She can either go back to the clinic and site her health issues (as mentioned by a previous poster) or she can tell them that she was pushed, however gently, into saying yes. Now is not the time for her to do this, there might never be a time for her to do this again.

She has already given so much, she is not obligated to anyone to give any more.

And no, I'm not dealing with infertility, at least not as far as I know.

[Ute]

PS: Why's your friend still part of the donours' database? Can't she tell "them" (whoever "they" are) to delete her record for good?

[Ute]

PPS: Somehow, I can never trackback your entries?

[Katie]

I'm dealing with recurrent miscarriage, rather than infertility, though we have never considered donor egg or sperm, as if it comes to that we would rather adopt.

I don't see why they can't wait some weeks/months for this? Or even a couple of years, if the donor is still young? If she thinks she could do it in the future, that would be less stressful. If she asks them to wait, she may find that they would actually prefer to have a different donor than wait a few months or years.

Most people with fertility issues are used to waiting weeks, months or years.

I believe in the UK you are not allowed to donate to the point where you have more than 10 offspring (don't know if ones born to the same family count twice or just once) to minimise the chances of them meeting in adult life and wanting to have children. So she is really nearing that limit, which I think is very sensible, anyway.

[char]

Am infertile. Never thought I would consider donor eggs, but am now allowing my best friend to surrogate for my hubby and I.

I think the biggest question here is not about what the recipient couple would like/need/feel, but about the donor's feelings/needs, etc. She is, after all the DONOR. Not the obligatory egg-producer. I realize she doesn't feel that way at all, but sometimes, we so badly want to do the "right" thing and need other people's substantiation and/or opinion, that we deny ourselves our right to decide for ourselves. Your friend has very aptly put into words her desires. I don't think that any of us (fertile or infertile) can or should stand in judgment of her. She clearly is not "ready" for this right now, emotionally, intellectually, whatever. I don't think she should do it. If it were me (and I'm really glad it isn't!) I would simply say, thank you so much for allowing me the privilege of contributing towards your family, once. Please allow me the privilege of abstaining this time, without the "emotional blackmail".

Your friend has done SO much for SO MANY PEOPLE! I think she should cut herself some slack and do what feels right for herself this time round. Who knows? Maybe in two or three months time, she might feel up to it again, and could then make the offer (via the fertility clinic) without a heavy heart!

[Amanda]

Your friend is a truly wonderful person for having spent so much of her time and energy in helping others find happiness. I honestly agree with the general concensus here, that she really ought to think about herself right now; perhaps talking to the family about her concerns and anxieties will help them to understand. Like many generous women, it seems she feels more pressure to do "the right thing" by others without first thinking of her own needs. An admirable quality, to be sure, yet having already given so much of herself it may be time for her to say "not right now, perhaps later when life is treating me better too".

[Ute]

@ Those who suggest waiting a few months: As far as I have understood the letter the procedure is not scheduled before November anyhow. So it's definitely not a matter of "maybe later", but of "no, I don't want this".

[A]

Currently dealing with infertility. I 100% support your friend's decision to wait. She just needs to make it known that, at this time in her life, she is not as equipped per se to deal with the physical and emotional trials that come with being a donor. There is no shame in that - PLEASE tell her there is no shame in that.

I think it's truly amazing that she has done seven egg donations. As someone who is struggling with infertility, I can totally appreciate the fact that she has provided people with the opportunity to parent. However, she deserves to be mentally, physically and emotionally stable to do so, and it is obvious she is not currently there.

Postpone. If these parents are that desperate to have a child, they will find another way or wait for her to be in a place to give a whole hearted answer. They should not be resting their family planning solely on her ovaries, and if they do, that is not her fault.

[Heidi]

Quick answer, wish I had more time. I have a wonderful two-year-old son, who is ours only because an unknown woman allowed us to use her eggs. We may try for an FET soon using our leftover embryos; if it doesn't work, that'll be the end of the road for us.

I understand why the family would inquire about your willingness to help again--they don't know you, your current situation, and the precise ways that egg donation takes a toll on you--but I can't believe they wouldn't understand why you don't want to do it again.

Don't do it. You have given your gift, and that is enough. It is MORE than enough.

[Chickenpig]

Your friend has done a wonderful service for infertile couples already. If giving is done under coercion or feelings of guilt, than it isn't a gift freely given, and in the long run I think it hurts the recipient and the giver. She already gave enough embryos to provide them with a FET, and it didn't work. There is no guarantee, of course, that providing them with more of her eggs will give them success either. Being of the same genetics is no guarantee that the children will be closer in appearance or personality, or will grow up to like each other and be closer because of their makeup. I have twins that couldn't be different looking or have more unique personalities if I tried, random people now ask us if our boys are related, to the point where I wonder sometimes if there wasn't some kind of lab mix up. I think these people will be just fine without your friends eggs.

[Judy]

Infertile, but not dealing with it at this time...the hard part is she already said she'd do it, right? And now she is remorseful. So, the real issue is whether to follow through with a commitment she made or find a way to back out of it.

Not knowing any more about your friend other than what she wrote, I would say she is not in an emotionally stable place to be doing this at this time. Might she change her mind down the road? Perhaps. And perhaps not.

The best thing she can do for everyone, including herself, is be honest and up front about her feelings. The agency needs to know. The family needs to know. One way or another, they need to be informed. And soon.

[Working From Home Today]

Not dealing with infertility. Wow, all great arguments. I found myself agreeing with almost everyone.

It's your body and that's important.

You also gave your word and that's important.

However, everyone makes mistakes, or underestimates their own feelings about something. Be honest. Even if they're irritated with you, they have other options.

The migraine thing would be enough to send me running and screaming.

[Lisa]

I think your concern and worry about this other couple speaks volumes about what a kind person you are! But if you have any reluctance whatsoever you should not do it. I have been through infertility and conceived my daughter after four IVF cycles, not using donor eggs, but I know the number a cycle can physically do on a person and you should not put yourself through that if you don't want to. As someone else already said, you did not sign on to be a perpetual egg donor.

[Cece]

I'm going through IVF - and I say that your friend needs to worry about herself first! And - I would tell the donor couple that she has a lot going on right now, and this just isn't the right time. I would hope that a woman going through IF would understand the stress and strain the donor is going through.

I know it's not often the case - but we as women need to learn to say no even when we feel a huge amount of pressure to say yes - esp when it isn't the best time.

[CariP]

Always dealing with infertility, though not actively trying to get pg. Just infertile as a way of life at this point.

As much as I respect and admire her desire to help the infertile couple...it is NOT her responsibility, moral or otherwise. She must attend to her own needs, her own health first, and if doing the donor egg thing again is not what she wants at this point in her life, she should NOT do it. The notion of biologically related children is very nice but, IMO, isn't a requirement for parenthood. It might disappoint the couple, but unless she is personally invested in some way in that couple (i.e., the woman is her sister or best friend or something), there is no reason to feel even remotely guilty about backing out. She has legitimate health related reasons to not do it - it may be fairly routine at this point, but there are still very real risks associated with the drugs, the procedures, and the entire process. And the migraines...as a migraine sufferer, I totally sympathize with her.

So...I suggest she be honest and upfront with them; tell them that she really wanted to help and her sense of obligation was the reason she agreed in the first place. But, after careful thought and consideration, prayer, research, etc., she's decided that it is not the best decision for her right now, for health and other personal reasons. There is no other explanation needed and if no money has yet changed hands, she should walk away with her head held high, sure that she has made the right decision for herself.

[AML]

Haven't dealt with infertility myself (2 bio kids). My thought is, there is probably no way everyone is going to be happy. Either she puts their happiness first and is unhappy for a while, or she puts her own happiness/comfort first and they are unhappy for a while. I know she wishes someone would say "nope, they won't be devastated, they'll bounce right back" but that is unlikely. Eventually either party WILL bounce back. It's just a question of living with the discomfort (her mental/physical, their emotional) until the bouncing happens.

AML

[Jen]

Seems to me that the emotional "needs" of the couple are being viewed as somehow better than/more worthy than the donor's emotional "needs". Why should someone else's emotional state outweigh the donors emotional well-being? Especially as she has done so much already. Seems to me the couple/clinic are being selfish and viewing her as their slave. Strong words, maybe, but it's unfair to make such demands at the expense of the one helping in such a manner. How will she feel if she loses her job/has an emotional breakdown from this? Needs to be considered.

Childless here.

[Maren]

I can't help but wonder...how your friend would feel if she went through all of this and the fresh transfer didn't work for whatever reason, or there were no good embryos to freeze to try later, or this basically didn't lead to a child in the end. Or a thousand other what ifs. Would she have to try and go through all of this AGAIN, when her instincts are clearly screaming no? I hate to be a pessimist, but maybe your friend's body knows something, very deep down. She has already given this family such a great gift...maybe it's time to leave it be.

[Belen]

I'm facing the same situation from the recipient point of view, which means that we will most likely NOT do a new cycle. I could try to write a long heartfelt post about how this is shatters our dreams, how us with infertility have to expose ourselves to so many disappointments, and blah blah, but it sounds to me, from the wording of her letter, that your friend has made up her mind already and is just looking for approval for not donating again. The fact that she qualifies the moral obligation attached to having already given her word as *weird* speaks for itself.

[Belen]

Wanted to add. I'm not irritated at my own donor for saying "no" to a second cycle, not in the least. I'm irritated at being infertile, but that's nobody's fault and I don't think anonymous women should have to bend their lives to satisfy my own needs. What bothers me about your friend's story is that she already committed to a new cycle and now wants to back out.

[laura]

I have to say I kind of agree with the person that asked what she didnt understand when she originally said yes? Its not as if she didnt already know what it was about...

I think its much more damaging to the parents to be told yes and then told no, im sure they half way expected to be told no to begin with so it would have been much easier to have just said no from the start.

As for the person that likened her to a slave.. how is that? she came to THEM seven times before wanting the money and wanting to help someone, thats great of her but the clinic only called her to see if she would do it again. That in no way was wrong of them to do since she had come to them on repeated basis then why wouldnt they give her a call?

I know it sucks that she feels like this is terrible for her and overall I can understand. I think she should have said no to start with if she had any doubts though!

I think she should go through with because the outcome would be huge, but if she cant... then she just cant.

[Alice]

What if the family wants 5 children total? Is that your obligation to donate 4 more times? I would think not.

You were very generous with donating in the first place. You aren't obligated to donate again b/c they want another child.

[Taina]

I am dealing with IF, though I don't *think* I will ever need an egg donor. I think you friend should follow her heart. This is a very personal decision. I think she was an AMAZING person for going through so many egg donations in her younger days. I think she would be an even MORE amazing person to do it now, when there is essentially nothing "in it" for her. After all, isn't that what true altruism is about - doing something solely for the benefit of another person? That being said, if I were that couple, I would not EXPECT her to donate again and I don't think not having the genetic tie between my children would prevent me from pursuing another child via IVF.

[giddy]

Not dealing with IF. But I do deal with the occasional debilitating migraine. That alone is an understandable reason for not going forward, not even taking into account all the other pains/inconveniences associated with the process.

I can relate to why your friend probably initially wanted to grant the couple's wish to have another child using her as the donor. After all, it's quite a compliment--we liked the way your genes expressed themselves in our child! But of course when push comes to shove, they will probably be satisfied with someone else's genes too, esp because they will tend to notice the resemblances that might still be there from the father's genes, although of course they will also notice all the personality differences that are always there between any two children, including full siblings (and including identical twins!).

Anyway, I agree with the posters that say she should go with her gut, although I also agree that it's too bad she said okay. That makes it harder. I like the idea of indicating that she was interested, but after further medical/psych evaluation or personal introspection is not able to go through with it. It seems a little deceptive, but may be the case that a psych evaluation would conclude that it is too risky to her mental health to go through with it. (Do they do psych evaluations for new donors perhaps, but not for established donors?) And like I said at the beginning? Maybe I'm a wuss, but I would do just about anything to avoid a migraine or 10.

[laura]

I forgot to add before.. Im very sure that a lot of people will get angry about this but as much as she is a good person for "donating" the main reason she did was because she wanted the money. Dont get me wrong I am not trying to make her into a monster or anything like that because i its a great thing to do to help people have babies...but she made it clear that she didnt need the money before and thats what made her do it but now she has money and doesnt need to do it.

I still stand by what i said before.. if she cant she cant but it would have been less shattering to say no from the start

[Jessy]

I think we've all (or at least I have) been in the position of feeling pressure to do the right thing, so we agree to something under that pressure, just to find that in the cold light of day later, that decision wasn't the best one for lots of reasons. In this case, for your friend's well-being.

I'd like to think if I were your friend I'd have the courage to put myself first and apologize profusely and say no (or, have the clinic tell medical white lie). And I'd like to think that if I were the infertile couple, in the midst of my despair, I'd know that I'd never want to make a woman feel coerced into using her body in a way she was not 100% comfortable with. And take comfort from your friend's courage and humanity instead of seeing her as a mere vehicle to get what I want.

One question: is there psychological screening of egg donors at each donation, or just at the start? Seems like there should be some mechanism to make sure that women are OK along the way, and not being exploited due to their need for money, their desire to help others, etc.

[Amber]

100% infertile. She has done a wonderful thing. If she cant do it anymore, no one should fault her. She should be honest. I would not want my donor to do it if I knew she felt so strongly against it. Thats not good for anyone.

*I will be doing my 12th cycle, when the money is there. It will be my 1st donor egg cycle. I want my donor to do it because she WANTS to. I dont care WHY she wants to (money...)I just want her to be into it.

[Stephanie]

I think she should not do it. She's not a brood mare, and shouldn't have to. Yes, it would have been preferable if she'd said so in the first place- but it also sounds like the clinic subtly pressured her into doing so, given that they knew she hadn't donated in quite awhile- more than enough time for them to assume that she was done. I don't think much of the clinic for pressuring her like that!

[laura]

"What if the family wants 5 children total? Is that your obligation to donate 4 more times?"

My issue isnt that she should be reqired to donate again.. my issue is that she shouldnt have said yes without thinking it over to the point where she could follow through with it. It wasnt something that she should have aggreed to without giving it the serious thought that it deserves.

[laura]

here i go again! I dont get how you guys think that the clinic pressured her! i mean.. they called someone that has donated several times before at the request of the parents...and she said yes.

again, the yes part is the only thing i disagree with. if shed not gotten their hopes up then id say no way.

[kathleen999]

I was dealing with infertility...have twin boys and am all done with having kids.

I don't mean to seem unfeeling toward the parents, but when you do donor egg, don't you essentially have to assume that subsequent children would most likely be from different donors? It would be arrogant to assume that a donor is just sitting by waiting to donate their eggs to you again. I bet there are a lot of donors that do it X number of times, then are done. It isn't easy, as those of us who have done IVF with our own eggs know.

I think it is too bad that your friend said yes so quickly, but I definitely think she has the right to change her mind. In all other important decisions in life (and I would classify giving someone else your eggs as an important decision) we should always feel free to change our minds. I wouldn't advocate her going through with any other decision that she felt wasn't right for her. It's not like the parents can't choose another donor and go from there. I understand that they were hoping for the bio link and will be disappointed, but the donor's right not to go through this should be respected too. Thank goodness there are other donors out there and the parents have options.

As to kids not looking like each other, there is no guarantee they will look like each other anyway. I look like my dad's side and my bio sister looks like my mom's side. My adopted brother looks like me. My twin (and fully related on both sides) sons look completely different. One has my coloring but looks like his daddy. The other one has my husband's coloring but looks like my dad. Go figure. No one would guess they are brothers if they weren't always sitting in the twin stroller together as we go down the street.

[greengage]

I am surprised at the people who are so cross about this woman changing her mind. Surely we have all said yes to things that we later regretted? I know I do it all the time! Mostly, it's possible to go through with them, but it sounds like in this case the emotional and physical cost would just be too high. It might be worth considering the possibility that she said yes not because she is flaky or unreliable or didn't think it through, but because she wanted to help so much - despite her own personal position. Don't give her a hard time for realising that it's just going to be too much for her to cope with. I think she should back out and remember that she has done an amazing thing for the 7 couples she helped. How many of us will ever do something so unselfish? (I know she got paid, but it sounds like there would be way easier ways to earn that money.)

(I am not dealing with infertility. I'm sure this makes a difference.)

[Julie]

Am dealing with fertility (male factor). We just "found" six vials from our sperm donor so now we will be able to have a full-sibling for our son. We are thrilled beyond belief; however, if we had not located those vials, we would have moved on to plan B. That is a risk you take when you use a donor.

While it's great that your friend has been so generous, she should really put her own needs first this time. Also, considering the extra emotional and physical stress she would be under, I can't help but wonder if that that wouldn't negatively affect the eggs? Maybe not but it certainly won't help things.

She should certainly follow her gut on this one.

[Kate]

I'm not dealing with infertility, and I'm answering without reading the other replies.

I would not do it. I would call the clinic and tell them you can't do it. I would worry and wonder about the other family, but you have to come first. Your health (which includes your mental health) have to come first, and it sounds like this is not something you really want to do at this time. Good luck with your decision, its a tough one.

[Reese]

I would say "don't do it" along with everyone else IF she hadn't agreed already. To say "yes" and then back out seems wrong somehow. I would think that, when considering such a big decision, you shouldn't agree to anything unless you are 100% sure it is what you want to do. It seems cruel to back out.

BUT (isn't there always a 'but'...) it's her body. I would just, personally, feel very guilty if it were me who agreed and very hurt if I were the couple receiving the donation.

BUT (again!) it is a 'donation'. And donations are given out of the kindness of our hearts. We give a donation, whether it's money or eggs, it is because we feel it's the right thing - for us as well as for the entity receiving the donation. It it doesn't feel right then that's something to think about.

[Jan]

Agreeing with what pretty much everyone has already said -- too bad she made the decision so quickly, but she should absolutely not go through with this.

[laura]

"Surely we have all said yes to things that we later regretted?"

of course we all have done that but this isnt like agreeing to go out with someone and changing your mind.

the whole point is that its a VERY serious thing and she should have thought about it before agreeing.

it just makes her look bad that when she needed the money she was all about it but not she doesnt need it so she doenst really want to do it. when the clinic called her and asked her she certainly knew what it entailed so she shouldnt have said yes!

[anonymous]

laura - you misread her letter. she said "The money was nice, though not my main reason. ."

[Woody's Girl]

Recovering infertile - 5+ years of IF treatments, countless IUIs (Clomid and injectibles), surgeries, 2 IVFs. Now a complete family of 5, after 2 adoptions (separate from each other) and 1 miracle bio-daughter.

Honesty is the best policy. She should contact the clinic immediately, and have them relay to the recipient couple that she has reservations (at least for now... perhaps indefinitely) about being a donor again.

While I can totally relate to them likely being terribly disappointed, especially since she had initially agreed to cycle again for them, they WILL get over it. It is not her "responsibility" to complete their family.

As I told both of our (adopted) girls' birthmothers... even while they were in labor... I would MUCH MUCH rather have them change their minds, even after birthing the baby, and decide to parent the child than have me live the rest of my life knowing that they had regrets about going through with the adoption. Yes, it would have been traumatic for me in the moment (and perhaps much longer), but regret (and guilt, from the other side of the equation) is a horrible emotion.

One way or another, I hope she is able to come to peace with her decision. And I'm so sorry to hear about her divorce. :-(

[anon]

Infertile. Yet able to recognize that that does not mean the world and individuals owe me a break.

My sisters-in-law have a child via known donor sperm and when they wanted to have a second the same donor said yes, it worked, mother had a miscarriage, donor backed out. They hate it, it was really hard, they moved on. They can't force him to jack off in a cup and, let's face it, that isn't nearly as hard as donating eggs.

We don't get everything we want and we aren't owed a happy ending (or a biological child) because of our suffering. If we get a happy ending it is because we pursued a solution and/or got a little lucky.

She has the right to change her mind. Many women need to work on not saying "yes" to requests when the costs are too high for us.

[rachelle]

Dealt with infertility; have two IVF babies.
At one point, I thought I'd never get pregnant on my own and so would've so welcomed a donor. Here in Australia, donor lists are about 18 months long for those who want embryos.
If I was the recipient family, I would feel SO very grateful to her already for what she had done for me. I really think she's done an incredible thing and should feel like she's met her obligations in this regard. When you're infertile, you know that the main thing is about parenting a child, not having any genetic relationship to that child per se. They will be parents again, albeit to a different genetic child. And that's okay. Maybe it's even a blessing in disguise for them - maybe they will have a gentle reminder that having children isn't about anyone's biological connection to anyone else, it's about parenting. Being parents. Maybe it's better for the children, psychologically, if they're from different donors. I don't know - just a thought.

[mindy]

I want to jump on the bandwagon of people telling this woman to tell the clnic that she is not ready to donate AT THIS TIME but will do so in a year or so from now (or whenever she is ready). She isn't an egg bank; she isnt required to do the donation at the minute the couple decides they want a baby. She should do it when it's good for her.

[Belen]

Me adding. Commenters talk about the donor having a right over her own body (so true) and even being treated like a slave. If Tertia was friends with the prospective mother instead of the donor and had posted a letter from her, everybody's perspective would be different. You would be talking about the irresponsible donor who backed out (true as well, IMO). It's hard to have an impartial view. Lol.

[e]

Looking at this purely from your point of view, friend. You are not a hen, or a golden goose. You cannot lay eggs on demand. You do not have to. If you are tired, and your body is tired, give yourselves both a break. I think the clinic putting this pressure on you is bordering on unethical. They are emotionally blackmailing you to get what they want out of you.

Say no if you mean no. Do not feel guilty about it.

[Joy]

I'm preparing for my third DE IVF with my second donor. No kids yet. I'm in the throes of grief & desperation but still think this donor should say no. 7 donations is a lot. She needs to think about her own fertility later and her sanity now. I can see how the IPs might be devastated but frankly, infertility is devastating anyway. While I long to be a parent I also feel some protective feelings for my donors, since I'm old enough to be their mother too. They're not meat; they're young girls who might not realize the weight of their decisions. We - the tough old infertile gals - should look out for them when we can. The clinics, doctors, agencies and the rest of the infertility industry sure won't.

[Anna]

We used my 22 year old cousin as an egg donor after 4 failed PGD/IVF cycles to prevent passing on a genetic mutation. Have a 14 month old son. Am understandibly, utterly thrilled.

If your friend is really feeling that adverse, she should pass. No one is going to advocate for her except herself. She needs to look out for her own best interest (no one else will). She needs to listen to her gut, her instinct and do what that says. Period. Yes, the couple will be dissapointed, perhaps devastated, but your friend should come first.

That said, we would very much like to have another child, and none of the embyos from the donor cycle made it to freezing. We'll ask my cousin again (she said she's open to it), but she's currently in grad school for physical therapy, so we really have to go by her schedule. Our other alternative is to try my eggs again - because, you know, they just get better with age (I'm nearly 37). So we'll see. Right now, I'm just so grateful for the healthy child I do have. We'll just have to play everything else by ear.

[Anna]

When I say we USED my cousin, I should clarify that we took her up on her offer. She and her sister had offered to donate ever since we started trying IVF. Yeah, they're that awesome.

[Ann E. Mouse]

Haven't read any of the other replies but thought I'd chime in. I'm 31, a former infertile who used natural medicines to conquer primary and secondary infertility to produce two awesome children and am happily done with that roller coaster.

I would prefer to have my children share as many physical features as possible. Had I needed a donor, I would have wanted the same one for all cycles. Heaven forbid one child gets sick and needs an organ/bone marrow - they have the best chance of matching each other.

If the donor had said "no" or "I'll think about it" up front, that would be one thing. I would be disappointed but I would roll with it. Now that she's said yes, to back out would be devastating. The family already has their schedule in their minds of when they'll do the transfer, when their baby would probably be due, all these wonderful scenarios based on the donors "Yes" and to take that away could be just as painful as the FET failing. I'm sorry it's so hard on the donor, I'm sorry she's anxious and stressed, but she should have considered all that before agreeing. Perhaps she can find a supportive friend to help her through the process and other outlets for her stress to replace running for the timeframe that she cannot run.

[Ann E. Mouse]

Haven't read any of the other replies but thought I'd chime in. I'm 31, a former infertile who used natural medicines to conquer primary and secondary infertility to produce two awesome children and am happily done with that roller coaster.

I would prefer to have my children share as many physical features as possible. Had I needed a donor, I would have wanted the same one for all cycles. Heaven forbid one child gets sick and needs an organ/bone marrow - they have the best chance of matching each other.

If the donor had said "no" or "I'll think about it" up front, that would be one thing. I would be disappointed but I would roll with it. Now that she's said yes, to back out would be devastating. The family already has their schedule in their minds of when they'll do the transfer, when their baby would probably be due, all these wonderful scenarios based on the donors "Yes" and to take that away could be just as painful as the FET failing. I'm sorry it's so hard on the donor, I'm sorry she's anxious and stressed, but she should have considered all that before agreeing. Perhaps she can find a supportive friend to help her through the process and other outlets for her stress to replace running for the timeframe that she cannot run.

[terri c]

Lifetime infertile. Wondering along with some above whether the clinic does physical/psych evals on repeat donors; I imagine there is profit to them in NOT doing so but were I in a decision-making position at a clinic, and heard what you have shared, I would have to rule out a donation from this donor at this time. Wouldn't it have been nice if the clinic had said to the recipient, the donor is interested and we will let you know if our exams indicate she is able, and then been able to say, we are sorry, but the donor has health issues and is unable to do this. It seems as though the clinic ought to be looking to what is best for both donor and recipient rather than focusing on the recipient. One sees this in adoption situations where an agency is acting on behalf of adoptive parents and the interests of the birth mother may not be nearly so strongly represented. I know that both donor gametes and adoption are wonderful ways to build families but that there is also the potential (and actuality) of either outright exploitation or of a subtle taking advantage of someone who may have some vulnerabilities. At the very least, it would seem, the clinic ought to give a donor some time to consider--call on Friday, ask for an answer in X number of days rather than on the spot.

[TexMex]

Both infertilty and donor recipient:

Haven't read the prior comments, but from a parent whose child is created through donor, I can completely understand how the parents would want the same donor. Even though you know going in that there's no "guarantee" that you'll have a second child at all, much less one that's the same bio as the first child, it still hurts to have to go through the donor selection all over again. The donor selection is quite emotional and you get an attachment to the donor, is how I'd best describe it. Plus, the donor selection process is a huge pain in the butt!

Having said that, the donor is clearly having some conflict and should definitely listen to her inner guidance. Maybe it's not that she *never* wants to do a donation for this family, but that *now* just isn't the best time. How about saying that she needs 6 months get settled into her new job and then will re-evaluate? If the recipient family is willing to wait to see if she says yes later, great. If they feel they want to get started NOW, then they can move on to another donor. This way, the donor gets what she needs (more time to sit with the idea), and the recipient family gets what they need (option of waiting or moving forward now with another donor).

To this donor and all donors -- thank you, thank you for all you have done for so many families out there. You are all amazing men and women!!

[Eve]

I have dealt with mild infertility in terms of not being able to stay pregnant, but it was not the kind that required donor eggs -- just the kind that required lots of heparin shots.

And I, like probably every woman alive, have dealt with saying yes when I wanted to say no, but that was mostly for things like "Yes, I'll make 100 muffins for the church bake sale," not "Yes, I'll go through this extremely arduous process to give you your heart's desire." The stakes are higher for both sides, and because of that, she has even more right to back out BUT they have even more right to feel disappointed, angry, and betrayed. I would absolutely agree with all of the posters who said she shouldn't do it ... except that she's already agreed to do it. All of this advice would be great if she'd just told them she'd think about it ... but she didn't say that; she said yes. She shouldn't do it with such obvious reservations, but I don't know .... Aren't there contracts for this sort of thing?

I feel like her mind is already made up not to do it, though, and so at this point, the best thing to do is back out as quickly as possible to give the couple enough time to absorb the news, grieve the loss, and move on. Couples dealing with infertility have doubtless dealt with worse.

[kristylynne]

As an infertile person, my first instinct is to bow down and kiss your friend's feet. She has done so much for so many people whose suffering is very real. So she has my utmost respect and admiration.

I do think that it would be wonderful if there is any way she could find the strength to give this family a genetic sibling for their child. But, not at the expense of her own health and sanity. If she can't do it, she can't do it. And that's that.

However, this family is counting on her. No one can force her to do it, but she has made a commitment to these people. If she really feels she can't do it, then she should try to gracefully bow out. But if the egg recipient has already started meds to time the DE cycle, then I would think she should probably try to stick with the commitment if at all possible.

[Kirsten]

I'm not infertile - I would advise your friend to back out of the deal and listen to her heart, which is clearly telling her that now is not the time for her to be taking on a project of this magnitude. The donee couple may be disappointed, but will likely have other options available if they have the $. It shows that she is a good person to feel so bad about this, but should not do it at the risk of her own sanity.

[sheilah]

My son is from donor eggs (as you know, T) and from my point of view I think she should write a letter (to be delivered to the couple) through the clinic detailing what she said in her letter to you and say that she would really like to help but it is just too difficult for her. It sounds like this is causing her incredible anxiety and she needs to care for herself.

I would hope that the couple would understand.

[yanicka]

As a 2 times surrogate mother and 2 times egg donor....I am telling you that you don't owe anyone your eggs. You are not obligated to do anything. You gave them a great gift. If you really feel that you are done and really does not want to do this....don't. They might be sad...but if they are good peoples they will understand.
Hugs

[TexMex]

After reading a number of the comments, I'd like to clarify something: parents who have children through gamete donation aren't trying for the same donor just so the children can "look alike". That mindset totally minimizes the situation and is doesn't give the recipient parents enough credit. Of course we know there's no guarantee that even 100% bio-related children look alike. My own siblings and I don't share a resemblence. The desire -- whether it actually comes to fruition or not -- is that if your child is 50% husband/wife and 50% donor, that it would be *great* to have the same mix with subsequent children. I promise you that just having to get to the point of using a donor, you've already grieved/accepted the whole "looking like me/us" thing anyway.

[Alicia]

Have a 20 month old from DE.

If I wanted to go through the whole process again (which I do not) I would prefer to use the same donor. I'm not even sure that would be possible, but I would ask the question. I would however, not be crushed if the donor said "no."

While it would be nice to have that genetic link between the siblings, it wouldn't be my main focus. My main focus would be (as it was the first time) to have a healthy baby. Having the link would be a bonus. I think people get too wrapped up in genetics.

My donor was anonymous. Never even saw a picture of her. She is my angel that allowed me to have my wonderful daughter and I thank God for her everyday. I would certainly respect her wishes WRT donating again, even if she initially said "yes" then changed her mind.

[kelly]

Her obligation here is to herself. For all the commenters saying that she should have given the clinic a different answer, have you never changed your mind? And no, this is not like deciding to go out with someone and then changing your mind, as one commenter said. This is much more serious, and that only increases her obligation to do what is best for her. I once agreed to stay in a very bad relationship because it was what he wanted, what was best for him. Then I changed my mind and left him, and he repeatedly reproached me for going back on my word. Should I have stayed in a situation that left me weak, unhealthy, and unhappy because I said I would? Hells no.

Yes, the family will be hurt. Yes, they will be disappointed. This is a sad situation from any perspective, and my heart goes out to both the donor and the family. But she is not responsible for their happiness and well-being; she is responsible for her own.

[Beth]

As someone who is struggling through infertility, I get how the donor recipient family feels. However, I don't think the donor should do this if she is not in the same place. Her body, her choice.

Beth

[Candice]

I concieved twins using Clomid.

I think it is obvious from her words that she shouldn't do this right now. Yes she will disappoint the couple but it sounds like she is miserable if she proceeds. I would tell the clinic that she needs more time. After that time passes, if she still doesn't feel comfortable, then close the door on the clinic. I agree with other posters that it sounds like she is being pressured by the clinic. I feel for the recipient family but do would they really want eggs that the woman didn't want to give?

[jenny]

I worry that she will regret it if she backs out. Will she feel a lingering guilt or will she be able to say no and feel at peace with her decision. The fact that she has already said yes and gotten the couples hopes up is sad (for both her and the couple). She sounds like a very giving person, so in the end she has to do what is right for her.
I am dealing with infertility (IVF/ICSI).

[E]

I think she needs to put her emotional health first. The couple may be hurt by her changing her mind. That is not her fault though. While the couple will be sad they will find a donor who is happy to help them. Would the couple be happy knowing how upset this woman was? I can't imagine they would. I think if she is this upset about doing it then she needs to say no. I would hope she'd find a way to say no in the nicest possible way explaining the new job, travel, the emotional strain. I know that will be hard but, you can't put yourself through all this when there are other women out there willing to be donors.

[gayle]

Everything I wanted to say has been covered. I would just like to pose this question:

Would she regret doing it or not doing it more?

Please tell her good luck. I really feel for her. I'm sure the couple will be more understanding than she expects, should she decide not to donate.

Status: On Clomid, struggling for 2nd baby (First one, got pregnant after 3 months. Odd. Sad.)

[anon]

What about the fact that it is one or two months of discomfort and inconvenience for the donor, but a lifetime of blessing for the recipient couple and the bio sibling?

[Sarah]

Not dealing with infertility.
Wow, this friend is sensitive, caring and generous. My gut response was not to do it. The cost is too great for her physically.

Basically, at the present time the "cost/benefit" analysis for your friend puts this egg donation firmly in the "too high cost" column. She needs more of a "benefit" - more than just feeling good for the family.

What would make it worth it? Would more a lot money make it more attractive? If it matters that much to the couple to have a biological connection between siblings, maybe they could make it worth your friend's while.

Realize that I know it sounds heartless and terribly calculating to write about the potential for human life like this, but egg donation is similar to a business transaction. And maybe that's how your friend should view it.

[Mama2Two]

I've been there. We have 2 children using different donor eggs. After our first child, we had frozen embryos and the FET tries for a second child failed. We wanted to go back to our original donor and she didn't want to donate again. Guess what? That was the risk WE took. Tertia, your donor friend has already given them the biggest gift they could ask for, a child. She owes them nothing more. She needs to put her well being first and not have an ounce of guilt in her decision. Sure, the parents would be excited to have you donate again, I would have been too. But, dear donor who has already blessed so many lives, you can't help everyone, you've already given of yourself many times over (7 donations)! I'm thankful there are people like you that give such a precious gift. We went on to use a different donor and have a second child. I wouldn't trade his genetics for anything! Remember, by having our first child by donor egg I mixed the genetic pot of having a mixed family and the fact that I mixed it again with a different donor doesn't matter now. The parents should respect your decision and realize the gift they have. I respect your decision and I've been in the parents shoes. All the best to you.

[Leslie]

I dealt with infertility for seven years and thought that donor egg would be my only option outside of adoption before a miracle pregnancy.

I think that the donor should put her own needs first and not donate. Maybe it would be ideal for the recepient couple to have two children who are 100% genetically related, but that is not her problem. She has already donated seven times, which is a huge contribution. I don't think that anyone would expect her to do more than she is comfortable with.

[Depressionista]

Infertility journey for me included clomid, temps, injectables and IUI along with incompetent cervix. I am in the minority of the posters here. I think your friend should suck it up and do it, simply because she has committed to do so. I know that if it were me in her situation, I would feel incredibly guilty for backing out after having said yes.

I don't think anyone is treating her as a brood mare or a "slave" as some people have suggested. She was approached with the request and she voluntarily said yes. I agree with many that the clinic should have required a certain period of time for her to think about it and that she should have taken some time to think about it before saying yes, but she did say yes and I feel that on something as big as this, it would be important to keep one's word. Yes, it will suck for her for a few months, as she indicated. However, if she does it she will at least know that her pain was part of giving an extremely important gift. For the couple, the pain of her backing out would have nothing good attached to it--it would just be heartbreak. I agree with anon above that your friend's inconvenience doesn't really compare to the magnitude of what she would be taking away from this couple if she were to back out.

I agree with the our bodies/our decisions thing, but this woman already made a decision and she should stick by it. Yes, we have obligations to ourselves...but to be morally responsible, I believe we should do all within our power to fulfill the commitments we've made to others.

If I were advising your friend, I would tell her to try to just get through the next donation, while making it clear to the clinic and to the couple that this will be her last donation. That eliminates the prospect of the couple (or other couples) coming back to her wanting a third, fourth, fifth child. It closes the door.

This might be incendiary or totally off-base, but how would people feel if someone agreed to give a bone marrow donation or an organ donation and then backed out because it would interrupt their lives too much? Both have to do with giving life, no?