So Close

Adam update

As you know, I took him to the OT on Monday and it didn’t go so well. He was having one of his moments (probably brought on by the lack of sleep) and didn’t want the OT near him. Sigh. Anyway, we are going to take it very slowly and build it up to a point where he happily interacts with her.

Then on Tuesday I went to go see my lovely Paed. He is such a divine guy. I wish there was an award I could nominate him for or something. He is the most hardworking, dedicated doctor I know. He is always working, always. Love that guy. Adam was actually so funny. Because he can sometimes have a bit of a freak out with doctors and OT’s and hairdressers (i.e. anyone who wants to fiddle near him), I try to prepare him as much as possible. So all the way on route to the doctor, we go over the story of what is going to happen at the doctor.

“We are going to the doctor and he is going to make us feel better. He is going to look in the one ear, and the other ear, and then he is going to listen here, and listen there. And then he is going to feel under our chin, and then look in our mouth. And then we get a lollipop!!! YAY!!! We love that doctor, he is so kind”

The kids LOVE that story. We have to say it over and over.

So when we got to the doctor, Adam made the doctor go through the process exactly as described. He pats the doctor’s chair and says “Sit here doctor, Adam sit here”. And then through the whole spiel.

Anyway, nothing overtly wrong with Adam that he can find. His tonsils are very enlarged, but not infected.  Adam always has huge tonsils. He did have a slight ear thingy (too much negative pressure on the one Eustachian tube), for which he prescribed some meds that can be given at night because it makes him drowsy, praise the lord!

So our sleeping thing has been a little better. Only one or two night wakings, and not too restless sleep.

I am going to take him to the ENT though. Many of you have suggested it, and I really think that his adenoids might be enlarged. He is just too noisy and nasal at night for things to be normal. Problem is, the ENT is so booked up, that it is going to take me a while to get an appointment. But I’ll wait. I have one for three weeks time, hopefully I will get in sooner.

Then yesterday was the psychologist appointment and this woman was absolutely divine as well. She made me feel so much better about things, and about myself. She was positive and very reaffirming and basically said that I am doing the right thing, which is always nice to hear.

She said that the main focus for the moment should be the sensory stuff, and that one of the coping mechanisms I should employ to help him handle his environment is to prepare him for what he is about to experience. By doing the story telling stuff I had instinctively been doing already. “We are going to be going here and then we will be doing that etc”

She also said that I shouldn’t put him in a crèche before 3. Which took a lot of pressure off me. Silly huh. That I feel such pressure by other people’s expectations. The OT has also given me ‘permission’ to keep Adam’s dummy for as long as he wants it, as he needs it for self-soothing and regulation. Yay!

Anyway, I feel much better about everything now. I feel as if I have a team of people behind me, supporting me.  It is hard not to doubt yourself, especially when people around you are saying “oh, there is nothing wrong with him, he’s fine”. Yes he is fine, but with some intervention he can be even more ‘fine’.

So, that’s the update re Adam. He was a total enema yesterday afternoon, and I lost my cool with him. Which is really fantastic. Good mother, huh? Wonderful. But as the psychologist said, some things are due to his sensory issues, and some things are just normal two year old pain in the ass stuff. Well, she didn’t use ‘pain in the ass’, but you know what I mean. Yesterday we had a wonderful combination of both. Precious moments. NOT. Plus he headbutted me by accident. On the mouth and my teeth went through my lip. Now I have a swollen lip with a lovely scab on it. French kiss anyone?

The joys of parenting. And I want another one? I must be mad. Actually, I got a note from another one of my doctors (I seem to collect doctors as friends) who had read my blog for the first time. He emailed me to say that he has changed his mind about ever having kids after reading my blog. My kids as birth control. Yip, can see that.

Oh, and because I am a total weakling, I gave Kate her new duvet this morning. She was in heaven. Couldn’t help myself, I felt so bad that Adam was dragging his new duvet around everywhere and loving it so much.  Please pray that I haven’t just completely ruined all chances of keeping her in the cot in future. 

 

Update: As I posted this note, I got a call from the ENT to say they had a cancellation, could I come in now. So of course I did. Adam has glue ear again, which means grommets (tubes) for him. The operation is booked for next Tuesday! While he is under anaesthetic, they will check his adenoids and tonsils and if those are problematic, the doctor will remove them. Am beyond nervous. My little baby under the knife. Shudder. 

 

Foreign language

Marko and I really are trying. I am trying to tell him how much I love him by speaking in his love language (quality time and physical touch) and he is trying to do the same to me (words of affirmation and acts of service).

It doesn’t come easily or naturally to either of us, this foreign language the other one speaks. I have to keep reminding myself to give him a kiss hello, a hug etc. And I have to keep reminding myself how much it means to him to spend time with me.

We had a chat about this. The fact that it doesn’t come naturally and that it sometimes appears to require effort on the other person’s part. I know that he sometimes feels as if I am doing this quality time / physical touch thing reluctantly, that it seems to require such effort for me to do it, but as I explained to him – because I love him and because I want him to be happy, I want to make that effort. I want to do it, but I can’t deny it does require a bit of effort on my part; it just doesn’t come naturally to me. And with two kids, a full time job, other obligations and the normal day to day grind, if I don’t put in effort it will never happen.

Marko saw my point and conceded the same applies for him. He is not a big chatter and this 'words of affirmation' thing doesn’t come naturally for him too. He said he lay in bed the other night and thought to himself that he must try harder. He said that he wants to tell me how gorgeous I am etc, “but he gets so little opportunity to do so”.

Hahahahahaaaaaaa!!!

I said “sweetheart! That’s not very nice, what are you trying to say”

The poor guy nearly had a heart attack. “No, no! That’s not what I meant. I just meant that when I leave for work in the morning you are still in your PJ’s and when I get home from work you are in your dressing gown and slippers already. You would know I was faking it if I told you then.”

Sweet chap. I told him that ‘words of affirmation’ does NOT mean telling me I am gorgeous, although that would be sweet. It is other stuff. He said he does know that.

It is true though, he is right. The poor bastard does get very little opportunity to tell me how gorgeous I am looking. I am a big ‘comfort is king’ girl. No thongs or lacy underwear. No thank you. Sensible, comfy cotton pants for me. And if I am not going into the office then it is super comfy sweat pants, sneakers, not a stitch of make up, hair tied back…. I am the poster child for those ‘before and after’ looks. When I am ‘before’, I look very before.

And as for the night time attire… let’s just say sexy nightgowns with satin and lace aren’t exactly in abundance around here.  No wonder the poor guy is getting so little chance to practice his love languages.

(And he STILL wants me to kiss and hug (shag!) him and spend quality time with him looking like that every night? The man must love me dearly)

Ok, credit where credit is due. I wrote this post up on Friday night, before the weekend and I must say Marko has been a superstar the entire weekend.  Appreciative, helpful, hands on.... no wonder he got lots of 'hands on' in return. Winner husband.  Will keep him.

Hands up who has (not) seen my vagina?

Today I went out for lunch with my best friend and two men. Both of whom have been up close and personal with my vagina on several occasions. One of them has even had the same honour with my best friend’s vagina too. In fact, her job is to supply both doctors with a fresh supply of young vaginas.

My best friend is the donor recruiter and coordinator for the egg donor programme called Renew and an ex egg donor herself (hence her vagina’s cameo appearance with the dear doctors) and the two men are the fabulous fertility specialists with whom I (and my vagina) have been through so much over the past 7 or so years.

I love these guys. Besides the fact that they do such an excellent job and that they help so many couples out there, they are also great guys and we have become good friends.

It does feel a leeeetle weird at first, knowing what they know about you, but then we quickly forget that and just have a good laugh and a really interesting chat. We do our best not to talk about vaginas at all (especially our own!).

“So, how’s your Vagina?”

*Choke* “How is my vagina??”

No, I said how is your REGINA! Regina pizza. The pizza you ordered.

Oh. Good thanks. Delicious. Want a slice?

Seriously though, we obviously don’t talk about any of that personal stuff. We do talk a lot about infertility stuff and egg donor stuff and I love listening to how clever these guys are.

It was a fun lunch, as always (fuelled by the two Cosmopolitans consumed by Friend Mel and the lovely glass of Chardonnay imbibed by yours truly), and then in the middle of the conversation the one doctor comes up with an absolute gem. Something so completely ‘omg-I-can’t-believe-you-just-said-that’ that I almost choked on my Regina.

We were discussing the benefit of specialization and sub-specialization vs generalization when it comes to reproductive medicine and the good doctor says, and I quote:

“I think it is better to have your finger in many pies rather than just one”

Hahahahaha!!!! Fingers in pies! Vagina doctor!  Terrible analogy, terrible! Doctors who specialize in vaginas should never ever use the ‘finger in pies’ analogy.

Completely childish, I know. Couldn’t help myself, sorry. A bit of vagina humour. I didn’t laugh out loud though. The dear doctor is very shy and would have absolutely shat himself.  But I did phone my friend afterwards and have a good giggle. Cute!

Anyway, it was a lovely lunch and I love my dear doctor as much as I always do. He is funny, smart, kind and damn good at what he does.

Now he better get me knocked up next time he fiddles around near my vagina or else I will have to break up with him.

FET (frozen embryo IVF) starting next week. EEK!

Everything seems less bleak in the morning

Much better night last night, thanks. He was either very tired or the brushing and the blanket helped already. I didn’t end up taking the sleeping pill. I was tired enough as it is.

I almost feel like taking the last post down because I sound so overwrought and really, things aren’t that bad. I’m sorry you got to see the very frazzled side of me. But, I don’t like to take posts down so I will leave it up there. Lucky you, you get to see me warts and all.  It is a miracle you actually want to associate with me at all!

Just a note of clarification: the problem is not getting him to go down to sleep, he does that pretty much ok, the problem is that he wakes up a few hours into the sleep. Getting back to sleep in his own bed at 1am is the problem.

As for trusting my instincts… the thing is, I am not sure I can. I am so tired, and so close to the situation that I am not sure what my instincts are telling me.

But I will take him to the doctor (and then the ENT if necessary) and take it from there.

Thanks for your support, sorry you got to see a glimpse of the inner ‘not-so-together’ me. Hard to come across as the cool, in control, competent mother once you’ve spilled your guts on the Internet. But oh well, luckily I’ve never pretended I actually know too much about how to be one of those kind of mothers ;-)

But what if…

I hear what you are saying. That I need to get tougher. But I am so paranoid that there might be something underlying wrong. That somehow, in someway, he needs me.

Marko is a little cross with me. He thinks that I am making too much of an issue about Adam’s SID thing. I think he thinks that it is all a lot of hocus pocus. This OT thing. Marko thinks that I am an over paranoid, over analytical mother. He says that while this is a good thing on the one hand (he knows that it is because I love my children so), he feels that I am making too much out of it and that there is nothing ‘wrong’ with Adam.

I know he might have a point. I’ve admitted a few times on this blog that I run the risk of being an over paranoid parent. And it is not just because of what I went through to have the babies. I would have been the same if I got pregnant easily. It is just who I am. I can’t help it.

I hear what you are saying about getting tougher. But what if…. What if he needs me? What if his ‘issues’ make it a million times more traumatic to do CIO or whatever version thereof. Most people say that it takes 45 minutes the first night, 30 minutes the next night etc. What if your child cries for THREE HOURS when you do CIO? That isn’t normal, surely. THREE HOURS? I can’t do it again.

The problem is that I am so tired and emotional, I can’t think straight anymore. I don’t have the inner strength to get tough. All I can hear and feel is that my baby is crying for me. Not responding is going against every single fibre in my being.

And yet… I need to sleep. I can feel I need to get sleep and soon. Our current arrangement is not working and so I do need to do something about it. 

Look, something is definitely up with Adam. He has been particularly bad the last few days.  Intense. He hasn’t been eating (he had half a peanut butter sandwich the whole day. That’s all) and is also refusing to drink his bottle. I don’t know whether the bad sleeping is the cause or the result. All I know is that we seem to be in a particularly bad spiral. I am taking him to the paed tomorrow. Maybe it’s his adenoids. Maybe it’s sleep apnea. Maybe maybe maybe.

We started OT again today. It went horribly. He was at his worst. Screaming and refusing to do anything. He wouldn’t let the OT near him. I felt like crying. And running away with him. I must have kissed him about a million times when we walked out of there. I feel so badly for him. It must be so tough to be that intense. I feel like it’s my fault of course, because I haven’t been brushing him or using his weighted blanket. But I am back into it again, full steam. Brushing, joint compression, oral work, weighted blanket. The works.

I am also going to see a child psychologist on Wednesday to talk about what type of schooling (play school / crèche etc) would be best for him.

Marko thinks I am mad to be doing all of this. Maybe I am. Just listen to this all. OT on Monday, Paed on Tues, Child Psychologist on Wednesday and he is a perfectly OK little boy. Mostly. Maybe I should just stop all of this and let him be normal. 

But what if? What if there is something there and I don’t do anything about it.

I’ll do whatever is best for him. Whatever it takes. No matter how much personal or financial sacrifice. I’ll do it. The problem is, I don’t know what it is that I need to do.

I know you think that I am doing him harm by worrying about him so, by feeling badly for him. By being so paranoid. But what if…..?

I’m tired. I think I should go to bed now. I am going to take a sleeping pill tonight and hope for the best. Hopefully things will seem less bleak in the morning.

The (lack of) sleep thing

Well, the sleep thing has gone from bad to completely fucking terrible. Adam is being an industrial strength enema about the sleeping thing. He insists on having me (and only me!) next to him when he sleeps.

Sigh.

When he goes to sleep, he asks that I sit with him for a while. The sitting thing is a compromise. He wants: “Mama lie with Adam” and I want: “go to sleep on your own, you little bugger” and so we’ve settled on: “Mama fetch ‘puter and sit with Adam”. I put him into bed and then I fetch my laptop and sit with my back to him on the edge of the bed for around 20 minutes while he falls asleep. I don’t mind terribly much because I use the time to catch up with blogs etc. Of course when I am not there during the day (ie with Rose) he goes to sleep just fine on his own. Little bugger.

It is during the night that is a problem. He wakes up and comes to find me. I don’t want to get him into the habit of getting into bed with us, so I take him back to his bed and lie next to him (in the extra single bed! LOVE that extra bed!) while he falls asleep. But by that time I’ve fallen asleep as well. Only to be woken up by his grunting / dummy sucking / snoring etc. He is such a restless, noisy sleeper. I am not getting much sleep at all. I’ve tried swapping with Marko but Adam wants me there. No one else.

The problem is, the more tired I get, the harder it is for me to do the right thing. It is far easier following the path of least resistance. I don’t really mind sleeping next to him, I have more than enough space etc, the problem is that he is so restless that I end up having a super shitty sleep and waking up at least 6 times a night. I am starting to have newborn flashbacks and it ain’t pleasant.

I am not quite sure what to do. The only solution I can see is to do CIO by locking the door. And that doesn’t sit well with me. He will go crazy. But I am going to have to make some kind of plan because Miss Muffet (aka Kate) is not going to stay in her cot forever.

I can’t actually believe she hasn’t cottoned on to the fact that Adam is in the big bed. He LOVES his new bed and duvet and is always making a big fuss about it, and yet when you ask her to show you her bed, she skips happily to her room and points to the cot. Poor thing, I almost feel guilty* about fooling her like that. Almost. But then I think of the two of them on the loose and I get over it very quickly.

That Adam child of mine. He is something else. Sigh. Luckily his mommy loves him so.

*I am scrupulously fair, almost to a fault. When ever the one gets something, the other one will get something too. So it is killing me that Adam has a new duvet (that he ADORES) and Kate’s one is still in the cupboard. It eats me that I haven’t given it to her yet, especially because I know how much she will love it (it is a Princess one), but that will be the final nail in the cot coffin. She will realize that duvets = big beds = NO MORE COT. And I am not yet ready for that. One child (albeit the one that is a bigger enema at night) on the loose is enough.

PS I even have matching Princess curtains, she is going to LOVE IT!!! Can’t wait to give it to her. Later though. Later.

Updated to say: WORST NIGHT EVER!  He is so restless. He lies half awake for hours, tossing and turning.  He eventually falls into a deep sleep at about 2'ish.  There must be something wrong. I am taking him to the doctor.  Arrgghhh!  I had about 3 hours sleep last night. Can't carry on like this.  Am exhausted. Do you think its the nap? They still nap for two hours a day, but they really seem to need their naps. 

Market Day at So Close

More free stuff! If you hate free stuff and / or coffee, do not read any further!!

Looking at the shapes in the clouds

Mobile office worker

 As I have mentioned before, I am really REALLY fortunate in that IBM are big into flexible working arrangements and work/life balance etc. They really are good at that. When I joined I got a laptop and a 3G card, which means that I can work from anywhere.

From home
Small problem with the lurking kid factor. I do this sometimes by hiding in the study. It’s a bit of a pain but v nice if I want to spend whole day in PJ’s. Plus I get to spend extra time with kids before and after my work day.

From the office occasionally (VERY occasionally)
I try and arrange my meetings to happen all on the same day and try not to go into town more than once or twice a week.  That traffic is horrendous! Plus the parking is impossible.

From coffee shops
I do this occasionally too. If I have a midday meeting in town, I will go to a coffee shop first and work there until my meeting, but it gets expensive. Plus I always need to pee and then what to do I do with my laptop? I have to pack the whole thing up and take it with me.

From my mom’s house
This is the best option. My mom lives 5 minutes away from my house. I get free coffee and tea plus I can pee when ever I want. Plus it is really quiet here. I am at my mom’s house now in fact. And she has just baked.

And then, sometimes when I have a late or early conference call, I work from my mobile office. The one on wheels.

(Pic taken from my cell phone early on Wednesday morning this week, me sitting in my car, just finished with my conf call)

I take my laptop and cell phone, drive down the road and dial up from my car. It is the only way. Can you imagine trying to do a conference call with the two little buggers around. Impossible.

“Mama! MAMA! WHERE ARE YOU!!!”

“Wanna talk onna phone, Mama. WANNA TALK ONNA PHONE MAMA!!”

(Why do my children always shout? Do your children shout? I swear I must have the loudest children in the world)

No, that won’t work. So it is me in my pyjamas, parked on the side of the road, dialled up and ready. Fun and games of being a working mom.

(I am SO fortunate that I am able to do all of this, it gives me so much extra time to spend with the kids on either side of my working day, time that I would ordinarily have to spend commuting. Not sure how long this will last as I might be drafted on to a huge project soon. Sob!)

The reluctant compromise

Please. If I ever forget this Very VERY important yet oh so simple rule; then I hereby give you official permission to administer 1x firm kick up my incredibly stupid ass.

The rule is:  Never ever EVER buy ONE of any thing.  Ever.

Even if you think there is no way on earth the other one will want that particular thing, it doesn't matter.  Save yourself plenty of tears and heartache (your own) and buy TWO of everything.

I hate it when I forget that rule.

I foolishly bought 1x Spiderman outfit because Adam is obsessed with Spiderman and Kate has to date not shown one iota of interest in the arachnid superhero.  Until 5 minutes before I have to leave home and she founds the outfit and wants it on. 

No problem, I think. Who cares if she is going out in public like that. Let's just get MOVING, we are going to be LATE.  Pull off her beautiful new outfit* and put on ugly nylon suit. Sorted I think. 

Yeah right.  Until Adam sees her. 

"THAT'S MINE SPIDERMAN!" 

"NO, THAT'S KATE SPIDERMAN" 

"NO, THAT'S ADAM SPIDERMAN" 

Screaming and sobbing and wailing ensues.

Oh.My.FUUUUCKKKK

"Kate, take it off and give it to Adam.  Quickly! That's Adam's Spiderman outfit."

NO, THAT'S KATE'S ONEY

NO, THAT'S ADAM'S SPIDERMAN

AARRGGHHHHH!!!!

Thank goodness I managed to persuade them to come to some sort of compromise, but it was close.  Note how happy they each look. Not.

I get so annoyed with myself because I should know better.  I have no one else to blame but myself. From now on, I am buying two of everything, whether it is Barbie, Spiderman or whatever the hell the latest favourite thing is. Two of exactly the same colour / shape / texture / design etc. Beware if you don't, because they find the smallest difference between the two seemingly identical-except-for-one-tiny-picture blue balloons. WANT BEAR ONE MAMA!!!  "Look! You have a beautiful doggie one, what a cute doggie!" DON'T WANT IT TO DOGGIE ONE MAMA! WANT BEAR ONE!!

No wonder I have aged 17 years since their birth.

*Funny how my standards have changed. I've gone from beautiful matching pale pink and blue outfits to what ever the hell they want to wear just as long as it is relatively clean and reasonably appropriate to the weather.  Last week Kate went out in a pink winter long-sleeved Strawberry Shortcake shirt, a multi coloured gypsy summer skirt, green Wellington boots that look like crocodiles (v cute) and a swimming nappy. Some battles just aren’t worth fighting. She was warm enough, I was fine with it.