Not so fine

Today’s probably been my hardest day. I think I’ve been a little numb up until now. Actually, I’ve been surprised at how ‘fine’ I’ve been until today. Everyone keeps asking me how I am, and this whole week I’ve been saying “fine. I really am fine”. 

 Today I feel not so fine. I think I overdid it a little today. I am sore. Sore and bloated. And sad. I feel sad today. Really sad. And I don’t like being sad. I’ve did sad for a long time, I don’t want to be sad anymore.

 I am angry at Marko for not being soft enough to me. He thinks he needs to be tough and strong so that I don’t break down. He thinks that if he shows softness it will make it worse because I might cry. And if I cry then it’s not good. He doesn’t understand that crying is good sometimes. And that right now I need him to be soft, not hard.

 I suppose I am being unfair. I’ve been so fine up until now, how is he supposed to know that I don’t feel so fine now. 

 I don’t feel like being fair. I am sad and angry. And he is the closest person around.

 Dammit. I hate feeling like this. I think I need to go take some pain pills and go to sleep. Hopefully I will feel better when I wake up tomorrow.

 Hopefully. I want to be fine again. I don’t like being not so fine.

Comments

[21stCenturyMom]

You poor thing. You need to do whatever you need to do. Maybe starting by asking Marko to be very kind and gentle and then asking him to watch the kids while you put yourself in a stupor for a while. Whatever it takes.

I hope you feel better tomorrow.

[Louise]

Sweet T. Def. open up to Marko and let him know what you are feeling. Guys are so dense!

Thinking of you.

[AmeDame]

unless you've had a miscarriage, you just can't understand. therefore, men will never actually get it. ask for what you need, take your time. wallow in not so fine, fine will find you again soon, I'm sure. You're tough, but you don't always have to be. hugs.

[Essi]

Oh you poor petal. Sleep well xoxo

[Patty]

I've been where you are right now and once your beta level dips to zero, you
bottom out. It will get better from here, I promise. Take good care of yourself. By all means, ask for whatever you need. Hugs, Patty
Oh and feel free to email or IM if you need to talk. This experience sucks
, it really, really, really does.

[Anna]

I'm so sorry, T. Be gentle with yourself, and you can ask Marko to be gentle with you, too. My H and I refer to this "gentleness/softness" as "shmoopiness." When I'm in a funk, I'll go up to him and tell him I could really use some shmoopiness. Then he hugs me and does cute things with me and asks me what I need. It helps. May you get all the shmoopiness you need. You could definitely use some. [I'm sending you some telepathically...]

[Spacemom]

T- Print this post out and hand it to Marco. Sometimes men need us to tell them what we need.

I am sorry that the grief is hitting you so hard. Thinking of you....

[ksmaybe]

Oh Tertia. I wish I could do something to help. Definitely talk to Marko. He sounds a lot like my DH, I know that was his approach to infertility too. I didn't even know how it was affecting him until much later. Thinking of you today.

[Andre SC]

'Thinking of you' sounds so cliché, dunno how to say it better.

[Gina]

Oh sweet Tertia,

How I wish I could take some of your pain into me, how that if each of us, your friends in the computer, could take a little bit away for you, if that would help...

[Susan]

T- I'm sorry, so sorry. Allow yourself to do and feel whatever it takes to get through this.

[Brooklyn Girl]

Thinking of you.

[Judy]

Hugs, Tertia. THinking of you.

[beth]

on a vastly smaller scale, of course, but i totally understand what you mean when you talk about being sick and tired of being sick and tired. hang in there, tertia, thinking of you on the other side of the world.

[Heather]

Lurker wanting to say that I hope you feel better soon. After just having gone through a miscarriage and DNC, I definitely think that there is a "hormone crash" that really sucks. So sorry you are going through this.

[Rumour Miller]

Lots and lots of hugs.

[dawn]

Tertia I am so, so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to help you get through this. Go have yourself a good cry - sometimes crying DOES help, it is almost cleansing.

[kelly]

I hear you on not liking feeling not fine. I am exactly the same way, even though I know that feeling not fine, and, more importantly, acknowledging that I don't feel fine, is sometimes good for me.
Take care, Tertia.

[Amy]

Totally tell him, guys do NOT have a sixth sense about this; you have to tell them POINT BLANK. And then go cry your eyes out. Seriously.THEN sleep. (((Hugs)))

[kelly]

Wow, wasn't that comment I just posted more about me than you?

Here's what I really mean: Take good care. I am thinking of you, and I hope you feel fine again soon.

[Anne]

Tell him! Tell Marko that you do need him to support you and sometimes that means letting you cry in his arms, tell you need his strength to help hold you up. Tell him being macho right now is not the answer. Let him know that it’s good to cry, that it can help wash away/take the edge off some of the pain. It is so not the same but can you feel the hugs reaching out to you from around the world?

[tree town gal]

Of course you are sad and angry - your hormones are crashing and you have been through another significant loss - it was bound to catch up. As others have said, I reiterate - tell your husband. After my miscarriage started a few weeks ago - I sat him down and reminded him that we know it ("the crash") is coming. I emphasized that I may seem tough and OK today, but I'm going to melt into a pile of tears and you better be extraordinarily gentle and kind and let me cry. I was empathetic - I knew he was also experiencing a loss, but that it was my body undergoing the violent, bloody rejection, it was my hormones riding the rollercoaster. So. Remember. Cut. Me. Some. Slack.

[silene]

I hope you wake up tomorrow feeling better. I hope you can ask Marko to be kinder. Sending hugs to you.

[projgen]

T, everyone else has already said anything I could think of to say, so...
Big, fat hugs, Tertia.

[artemisia]

I'm so sorry, Tertia.

I hope you can express what you need to Marko and he'll get it. I wish I could have expressed my needs so well. I'm not sure it would have made a difference, given my particular husband, but I've learned that there are men who just need a reminder.

[e]

Tertia, you're grieving. What you're feeling is normal. You will feel better, by and by, but right now you need to be sad. Everybody grieves in their own way. Sounds like Marko feels he needs to be strong for you. Marko, if you're reading this, just know that it's OK for the dad to be sad too. Really.

Hope you both start healing soon.

[Nickie]

oh god how I remember that feeling of being fine, then not fine, then maybe ok, then a total mess all in about 4 hrs time. It's like you're ok until you allow yourself to think about it all and then BAM you're a mess for a while until you cry it out and then you slowly work your way back to sort of ok until the next wave hits. Exhausting really.

I hope the hard times aren't too long and leave for good soon. hugs to you.

[sarah]

Dear Tertia, I'm so sorry you are going through this and hope it isn't too long before you feel better.

[megan]

i hope you can talk to Marko, but totally get it if that's not possible. sometimes it's exhausting to have to tell someone something that you feel you shouldn't have to explain. . . even if as you said there's no way they could know what you're needing from them at that moment. have a good sleep. take care.

[jenny]

i am very sad along with you--i was so elated and pleased when i read of your pregnancy the other day. and then to turn around and have it taken away so abruptly--v. cruel. but even though marko is being hard for you, and for himself, he is sad, too. i know this. my god i wish you didn't have to go through this. and i know--i've done it 5 times already.

[jenny]

I am so sorry that the sting of infertility was brought back to your life (without even so much as a warning). Big hugs from the other side of the world.

[Heels]

I mean this in the nonhappyclapper way.

God bless you and your family, Tertia. I'm so sorry.

And I like your hair.

[puppermom]

Nothing to add that hasn't already been said but I just wanted you to know that I am sad for you too. I am sorry to say that I know what you are going through and it sucks. Mourn and grieve as you should.

Big hugs at this tough time. Love you.

[anonynous]

I love you, I love your blog. I appreciate you sharing with us.

[Suzie-Q.]

Thinking of you lots.
Sending super duper healing hugs your way.
xoxo

[Heather]

Definately talk to Marko. As other readers say, sometimes men need to be told point blank what we need. Their mind reading skills are horrible. I know my DH had such a hard time with our two miscarriages. He felt horrible because he felt so bad that I had to go through them. I'm sure Marko feels the same. I hope you feel better soon.

[Heather]

Talk to Marko. Try to keep in mind that, like you said, he is doing what he thinks will help you.

I hope you wake up feeling at least a little bit better.

(hug)

[Nicole]

Sending great big ((((((HUGS))))))) your way!!

[LaurieC]

Thinking of you. You do need some down time; it's okay to be sad. I'm sure Marko's being tough because he's sad, too. You will get through it, but it sucks, and I wish you didn't have to. Hugs.

[Carrie Jo]

It's OK to not be ok right now. I know you know that, and plenty of people have already reminded you. I just wanted to add another loving, caring thought being sent your way.

[Boulder]

It is hard now. It will be better.

xoxo

(PS - you are a wonderful asshole)

[Tam]

Oh Tertia, I am so so sorry, I can't even pretend to know how you feel but I hope that this passes soon enough. Men are funny, in his own way he is probably greiving too and men have a strange way of dealing with their emotions, maybe he's trying to be strong for him - because it's the only way they know how.

Hugs

[Ute]

There's only so much one single human being can take at a time, and I guess your limit has been reached long ago. Infertility, hope, fear, disappointment, sadness, grieving, feelings of guilt, and now hormones on top of everything else, all of that in such a short time to boot... Oh my!

Dear Tertia, I wish I could be right there and just give you a great big hug while you cry all the tears that need to get out. I'm still thinking of you, and I also think that you should tell your husband what you told us. He can't know. And I even bet he's grieving too and is afraid of falling to pieces and thereby making it even harder for you if he allows himself to be soft.

[Kath]

Dear Tertia, I was so happy when I heard about your pregnancy this evening and so very sad when I came over here and found out it was over. What a crushing and devastating loss, to have this gift yanked away like that. I am so sorry, and wish you a good recovery. Please know that I am thinking of you and Marko, and sending you my support and love.

And do just ask Marko to be softer with you -- sometimes we think things like that must be obvious, but they're not. Looking back on my darkest days, I wish I had asked more.

[MelanieinOrygun]

Here's a hug from a stranger: (((You)))
I just thought I'd stop by and send you that hug. No advice or opinions from this quarter since I am a newcomer to your blog; just my sympathy.

[Meramoo]

I'm so sorry.