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You broke that horse once-you can do it again. Hoping for 2 or iii!

I'm thinking of you, every day.

Wonder if it's the PCOS thing-- my progesterone fell in every one of my three PGs. I was on suppositories throughout the first trimester in the second and third PGs. I hate those things, esp the lying down with your ass elevated part. Who the hell has time for that? It's only for the first trimester, though, and it's almost half over :)

I rarely comment here, but I read every day. Keep your head up hun, you are strong and will make it no matter what.

I'm afraid I'm one of those "happy-clappers" like sister Mel, but at least I can offer up prayers for you and yours.

Love and blessings

Can you believe it? Holy Moly! Congrats and much love to you! Holy Crap!

Tertia, hang on! I'm an infrequent commenter, but very regular reader in California, and I'm sending all my good thoughts your way. (It's at times like this that I wish I had religion and could say I'm praying for you. Hopefully, my "positive vibes" will help accomplish the same thing!) Whatever comes, I'm with you. (Assvice: seems like my RE clinic always said anything above 20 was fine, and they never tracked it over time.)

You're a Mom now Tertia...and moms are made of some tough motherfucking shit. Everything we think we don't have it in us to do...somehow, we do it. Because our babies need us to.
Continued prayers....

Did they retest your HCG levels?
I hear your pain and fear; I know for sure that I couldn't put myself through that anxiety again. Hang in there. You're doing everything that you can, try not to torture yourself more (easier said than done, I know).

You are in my prayers. This is such a hard road. I traveled down it far too often. I hope that the progesterone does what it needs to. It can certainly be annoying to be dependant on that stuff but worth it in the end.
I remember that stunned shock and terror through each one of my 7 pregnancies. (2 live briths)

I'm impressed with both those progesterone numbers - but that's because my progesterone deficient ass doesn't produce any... so I had to do PIO instead... I'd take the suppositories and hope for the best. Ultimately i don't know when the fear ends... this is the farthest I've ever gotten and I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak. Hang in there... I firmly believe you can conquer anything... including having twins at (weren't they?) full term? Chin up and all that crap!

It's never easy when there is any amount of uncertainty. All we can so is pray and do everything we're told, and then pray some more. I hope you get some peace of mind at some point in this pregnancy - that perhaps this time around will be a healing process and some of your past fears and hurts can be assuaged. I hope you get to enjoy being pregnant without worrying at some point, as well. I am sending happy, healthy thoughts your way!

This has to work for you Tertia. And can't you get a scan now? Why in the world would they make you wait until next week? And no, I guess it never does get any easier. My fingers are fucking crossed.

And Cory has it spot-on: mothers are motherfucking tough. You can get through this.

I'm thinking of you and your family. Keep your spirits up and your heart light.

Have you had quantative betas done????

Everything still crossed Tertia.

Holy SHIT! I get a few days behind on my blogs and all hell breaks loose! This is fucking amazing! Don't stress over the progesterone, it fluctates and it's still beautifully high!!! With my 1st son my prog was 15 and things were just fine.

I totally understand the fear of losing something that is so much more real and tangible now than it ever was all those times before. It ain't over yet so don't give up, ok?

It will be interesting to see what thoughts this brings up for you having conceived on your own as an infertile since I'm experiencing the same thing.

All the positive energy I can muster is being sent out into the universe for you. Hold tight.

I wish you the smoothest ride on a very gentle horse.

Why can't we be like Tomatie & buy our own scan machine for home? It would make life so much easier!!!
I had a tiny scare yesterday... but nothing came of it... still to scared to do the test. Promised i'll do it this weekend.
Hang in there & don't let the fear get the better of you!!!

Delurking to scream out congratulations (virtually, of course)!!!

I can't believe it - I leave for three days and this happens. So happy for you, Tertia. Hang in there.

Tertia I'm thinking good thoughts for you and sending loads of postive vibes your way...

xxx

Thinking of you tons! Crossing fingers! I want to see a bump (a lovely healthy bump) when I come over in May.

Thinking nothing but the best for you!!!

You will be OK. Think happy thoughts....

Of course my comment stands to be lambasted as simplistic and of course in the world of infertitlity it also may totally not apply, but all one has is one's own opinions and I offer mine, not to shoot off an opinion (which is a meaningless exercise) but because hearing you makes me wish, so often, that I could help you (along with the rest of your readers.)

Tertia, what are the odds of you having conceived naturally. Close to zero? Why not go this one in the same way you've gotten into it: as naturally as possible. We are SUCH a high tech world with opinions and options and interventions and pre and post this that and the other. At the end of the day - we can use all of the scientific tools and assistance they provide, and STILL not beat nature. I know in the infertile world, the technology offers so much hope. And that's a wonderful thing. BUT, you have got this far (6 weeks or so) by some amazing fluke if you want to call it that. If you don't have all the gazillion tests, you'll cruise on happily in ignorant bliss, until your NATURAL insitincts, which are mighty fine and healthy it would seem, kick in and talk to you.

You have options Tertia. You can go with the effects of what you've gone through up till this point, and be hyper-vigilant through this preganancy. I can understand the pull to do that. So maybe I'm waayyyyy off-course even suggesting you don't. But having lived through a few things myself, having gone high-tech routes and experimented with the anti-depressant routes etc, I'm currently convinced that there's MUCH to be said for dropping all that stuff and connecting back to your basic natural instincts and to getting into touch with gentler, kinder, softer, free-er ways of dealing with the challenges life brings us. It's too easy to get swept up into the madness. Too easy to want to grab the nearest straw to cling to, that the "experts" throw at us.

I truly believe there is an inate wisdom vested in each of us (and women are particularly able to access it) that can lead you wonderfully through this pregnancy that has started totally naturally and may just stay natural, if you can stop and take a deep breathe and start looking at how you can get there.

It's the worst ride out there and I'm sorry you are on it again. I'm hoping for the very best for you all.

Tertia I think this is great news, nerve wrecking but great news. After having 16 pregnancies (1 live birth), I am totally with you on feeling anxious and wanting to know 24/7 that everything is fine. Most of my pregnancies never got past 4 months so by the time I got to 4 months and 2 days I went and got one of those heartbeat monitors you get at the baby shops and I used to listen to my daughters heartbeat every single day for at least 45 mins until the day she was born.

Be positive and pray every day that everything is fine and me and everyone else will do the same.

WOW Good Luck

I don't have any high-tech advice/assvice to offer because I got off the infetility horse some time ago and adopted but I can certainly understand how you're feeling. It must be a strange combination of utter joy coupled with utter fear. I can hardly imagine how that must be but I applaud you for being brave through so much pain and adversity and I just know that you have whatever it takes to make it through this too. Hang on in there, Tertia!!! You're not alone!

Congratulations!. Im praying for you. Dont be afraid. You are strong. Please dont give in to the negative thoughts.

(a) Falling P4 doesn't mean dead baby. You know this, you're just in too much of a panic to remember your Hormone Fluctuations 101. 44 is good for an ART pg, for a natural it is stellar. (2) P4 DOES vary wildly, even over a 24hr period.
(iii) Pessaries never hurt anyone, so knock yourself out.

I really feel for you, early pg is never easy and early pg in an oops after IF is a complete mind fuck (pardon the french, but it is). I found the hardest thing was after coming to peace with having completed my family - not an easy thing - all of a sudden I was thrown back into the ring with no warning. Someone had flicked that "I want a baby" switch back on without my permission and I couldn't turn it off.

I wish I had the answer to make it easy, but I don't. My best advice is just do what you need to do to get through - get scans twice a week if you need to. And once you hit 12 weeks buy a doppler - they are worth their weight in gold.

Hang in there, NBHHY.

Sounds to me like you're right on target: http://9monate.qualimedic.de/Progesteron.html (scroll down to see the chart)

Has it also ever occurred to you that your body's progesterone clearance might have increased since you stopped taking the ADs and the wine? Quote: "The elevated baboon progesterone MCR, despite increased serum corticosteroid binding capacity, indicates that other factors such as changes in maternal metabolism may also be important in regulating progesterone clearance." (http://endo.endojournals.org/cgi/content/abstract/99/5/1291) So the dropping numbers may well be the result of better clearance instead of reduced production.

Anyhow, I'm keeping my fingers crossed. And please go and have that scan done. This week. At your divine Dr. H's, if necessary.

PS: Here's another one: http://jas.fass.org/cgi/content/abstract/84/5/1102

PPS: Isn't a natural pregnancy & birth just the next and final step of "the plan" you describe in your own book? "Closer and closer, one step at a time." ;o)

SCNR

Oh dear Tertia, you're not on the infertility horse. You're not. You're on the fear horse. By being where you are, you have already bypassed a ton of the horrible stuff. How I wish we all could truly infuse you with strength and peace from the comments on your blog! 44 is still damn good. People spend their entire first trimesters with progesterone in the teens and still have a baby. What did your doctor say about the progesterone swings? I don't think I ever had mine tested more than once in any given pregnancy, so never had to consider this question myself.

How can we say "hang in there" without it sounding trite? Try to see this moment for the gift that it is rather than the nightmare you are afraid it could be. I know - from experience - that it is hard. And your feelings are understandable and most certainly valid. My wish for you is peace of mind as you swim these waters.

OMG! Just checked in after a few days away! I'm so shocked, I don't know what to say! Cogratulations, you clever G&D thing, you! Sending love and luck to you and Marko.
PS. You've made me cry for happy!

You'll do what you have to do and you will be okay -
in the end.
Hold those you love close and ask for help and support while you wait.

I'll be here.

Dear Tertia. Like others have said, those numbers are good. Progesterone fluctuates wildly. And go have that scan TODAY. I mean, what's the point in having an OB as a buddy if he can't ultrasound you down from a ledge? Call him. You'll feel better. A week of stress is just unnecessary torture.

maybe cecily still has her doppler and will let you have it.

Some really sensible comments here. Please consider them through the fear fog. From what I understand progesterone levels DO DO DO fluctuate. Many people (including those having undergone successful IVF) will not have their progesterone levels checked, infact in my pregnancy we only had the HSG level tested, so most people would be none the wiser that their levels were fluctuating (I'm glad I was ignorant in this or I would have been more anxious than I already was). Good things do happen Tertia and this may just blow away all the doomsville expectations you naturally have. May you constantly be pleasantly surprised!

I had the same thoughts Jeanne had.

BTDT...and I'm sorry that The Fear is there...totally screws with the whole blissful pregnancy thing, doesn't it? Know that we are thinking of you. Try and relax (haha - easier said than done, I know). And congratulations again!

Okay, get a grip. Progesterone fluctuates throughout the day, and levels vary based on a number of factors, like how recently you've eaten, etc. So your level didn't remotely "drop." It simply wsa measured at a different part of the fluctation. And a level of 44 is quite high, and I don't think you need suppositories with a level like that. My progesterone levels with my son, while doing the big guns, PIO shots, at 1.5 times the usual dose, was 17. With my twins, it was 30-something. I know suppositories will somehow make you feel better, but they are also goopy and annoying and higher progesterone levels also make you tireder and moodier and ickier. Obviously, your doctor will make whatever call needs to be made, but try not to let yourself get totally insane with worry about things that are not worrying.

I'm sure it is such a shock that you are actually pregnant, and you are totally freaked out by it, and it is natural to worry, but your progesterone is not a basis for worry.

I know you're scared and I'm so sorry about that. There are decades of infertile advice represented among your commenters and they don't seem too alarmed yet. That has to be somewhat comforting. Sending hugs to you. -Camille

Try not to worry about progesterone levels. Mine were incredibly low, even with the shots, and I ended up on suppositories. No worries...Nothing is wrong until something is wrong, right? And worrying about things too much doesn't make anything better. Also, my cervix got irritated from the suppositories giving me bleeding at around week 10 or so. Don't freak out if that happens to you...it's typical and the docs won't tell you.

That fear never goes away no matter how many babies you have. I'm pregnant with my (hopefully) 4th live child and after my losses the fear is still there. BUT, you can do this and you will.

My vote is for option 2, but iii sure as hell won't hurt!

I had really shitty, low, and fluxuating progesterone. It was nothing sinister (ii) and I was on suppositories for a loong time (iii). I'm sorry that you're back in the fearful place.

I'm riding this one with you as long as it takes! I think we all are. Big hugs T!!!

Hang in there, you can do this, you will! I don't know a lot about progesterone levels, but from what people have commented, 44 isn't a bad number. No dead baby thoughts. Don't even go there. I'm thinking about you.

You ought to know by now that, no matter what, you can never go back to the innocence of a first-time untroubled pregnancy. That said, you are completely justified in freaking out on the emotional roller coaster. I don't personally know what the progesterone numbers mean, but from what others are saying, it can vary. Take a deep breath, and repeat after me...NBHHY...NBHHY. Then stay in close contact with your doc, for safety and peace of mind. And keep us updated. You have so many internets around the world praying and thinking good thoughts for you. Can't you feel the love? Hoping the little bean in there feels it too.

Guess what, Tertia? You DO have it in you. One tiny little heartbeat, pounding wildly with that glimmer of possibility. You WILL do it. You ARE doing it.

I know that Jeanne's advice will be impossible for you to take what with your anal-ness and all, but, oh how I wish for a moment of stress-free, worry-free, bliss for you.

FWIW, every single mother-to-be has fear - even us fertiles, even if there is no reason. There is too much information out there not to have some amount of fear. Having the number of losses you have - surely, your sense of fear is magnified. Moreso, because of Adam and Kate. You now know what those losses represent. I'm probably a big ole asshole for trying to point out the obvious.

What I mean is that you will be fine. Either way, you will make it. You are strong, you are woman, you are mommy, you are TERTIA.

Holy Crap Tertia!

I go away for a few days and come back to find you pregnant! Can't leave you alone for a minute. Been here with you for years and will continue routing for you and a healthy live baby! Hang tight, you can do it.

Julie

I echo those who point out that 44 is a fabulous number for progesterone. At my clinic, they only measured to 40, and every report after that was "your P4 level is >40". They also pointed out that most pg folks are walking around out there with levels in the teens. I can only imagine how freaked you're feeling, though, and it's entirely understandable (are you even totally used to the concept that you're pregnant yet?) I'm pulling for you and thinking of you all.

Levels up or down, if you decide to take suppositories and they leak or irritate as a pp mentioned, try prometrium instead.

I had terrible progesterone levels, and had to take it to stay pregnant, but they kept "slipping" out. Then, when I did prometrium intravaginally, they worked fine. My RE says they are especially effective after prolapse.

Not that you or I could ever have that...

I can't even imagine how your head feels right now. So much has been thrown at you the last week or so, you must be completely overwhelmed. A very good friend of mine told me recently that my mind is very fragile right now, so treat it gently. Yours is the same at the moment. Probably even a little more fragile than mine, so just be gentle with yourself.

You are strong and I know you can do this. Much love to you my dear friend.

44 is still a great number. And yeah, my clinic only does >20, so if you went by that rule you'd be doing fab. That being said, of course you're neurotic. This puts you right back in a scary (though exciting) place that you thought you were long done with. That would freak out any self-respecting IF-er. And I hear you on the length of time thing. IF for a year or two is hard enough, but IF for year after year after year is soul-sucking and energy depleting, particularly when you thought you were done with it.
I have high hopes for a baby for you come October/November. (What's your due date?)

No hormone advice, but still hoping and praying!

Tertia - don't worry. My progesterone levels were far lower than that at this time after my FET and I was on mega progesterone. If you aren't spotting or anything - it is fine. You are just used to mega high progesterone from fresh IVF cycles. It is far lower with a natural pregnancy or with FETs.

I know it is hard - very hard to have faith but sometimes that is all that gets you through the scare first trimester. You just have to believe that this time will be normal despite your previous history - that is what got me through.

SO happy for you - a singleton after twins is a breeze - hope you have as easy going baby as I have for your little one.

I've been away for awhile so I was so surprised with your news. Just wanted to say congratulations. I pray that all goes well with you. i have no good advice to give you so I'll just say that I'm rootin for ya!

I know you, being you, coupled with all the crap you have been through, will be unable to relax for longer than 5 minutes. BUT, this is your chance. Your naturally conceived singleton baby. This is a miracle and an awesome gift. Remember I told you us H.C's speak about speaking life. This means no "dead baby" talk. You are allowed to scan this little person as often as you like but lets speak positive amazing things over this pregnancy and ultimately, babe.
I know you are going to worry loads and every time I get an early morning or late night text my heart skips a beat too. This just feels so meant to be. The ending to your story. Fear steals our joy. You are pregnant! My sister is pregnant. I must say that a hundred times a day. I know from the mails I get from your other H.C. readers that you have so many people praying for you. In fact I believe you are going to join us H.C.'s at some point. Sheila is going to be absolutely fine, she/he just needs a little peace to grow.
I love you.

Tertia - I am so happy to hear about the great news from your scan. I don't have anything to add to the excellent advice above regarding Progresterone, but I agree that the suppositories cannot hurt and it may provide you with the feeling that you are doing everything you can to support this little miracle. NBHHY!

We're all behind you this time--don't be scared! *hugs*

Tertia, what you're saying sounds and feels pretty familiar - the frustration of life throwing you something you didn't have time to brace yourself for or get the energy reserves up to deal with and the fear that you won't be able to make it through this time around. My mother loves to feed me philosphical blather at moments like these. About how everyone has their crosses to bear in life and whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger and all of that. And so, of course, I am inclined not only to try to make some sort of sense out of this for you but also to tell you things like "you know you can do it". Which I think you do know. But instead of really trying to sell that right now, what's more important I think is that you also hear that you will be taken care of REGARDLESS OF WHAT HAPPENS. That even if you fall, and even if you don't actually gracefully make it through this, you will still be every bit the wonderful person your family knows you to be and you will be loved. You don't have to be a hero. You don't have to... anything. You've got the internet behind you. Regardless of what happens. Take care of yourself. And let us know how it goes.

I'm sure it's already been said (no time to read all the comments) but 44 is still a whopping high number. Unless we're talking about some metric conversion... who knows. But supplements can't hurt. Well, they can be annoying, but you know what I mean.

My levels started off great and fell precipitously in every single pregnancy they've bothered to test. Including Hannah and this one. The supplements got me through just fine.

NBHHY.

I am a new (but dedicated) reader of your blog. And I have nothing useful to say - after having only one pregnancy that resulted in a premature miscarriage. But I certainly have a good idea of the fear that you are experiencing and hope that you find your way through it. These days I try to choose a positive reality. You could make yourself crazy or try to focus on the positive. When you have a fearful thought, you could follow it up with something simple like, "or everything could be fine." Over time, you might be able to train your brain to think that simple and positive thought. Thinking positively certainly won't hurt the pregnancy, right? Your sanity is just as important as a healthy pregnancy. Don't forget that!

But I might be totally off-base and clueless!

Please know that you will be in my thoughts and I wish you all the best!!

My progesterone levels were all over the place. I think that as long as it stays high (and yours are high) and the HCG does not drop, you are hopefully okay. I have PCOS too, so maybe it is a PCOS thing, as a poster already mentioned. One of my initial progesterone readings was 90 - and I am having a singleton. Crossing fingers for you!

get the scan BEFORE the weekend. get it thursday or friday. it will suck to go thru the weekend not knowing. take care of yourself. this is hard. way, way hard.

Sending much love across the miles.

My fingers, toes, and various body parts too delicate to mention are all crossed for you. And I have to say that Sister Mel's message made me tear up. You are blessed to have such a wonderful family (and I'm not a HC and I'm saying that).

Seriously!!! What. A. Scary. Ride. After reading that I sat here for 5 minutes staring into space trying to fathom how the hell this can possibly happen. If things are fine then it's a really crule joke from the powers that be hey. You go girl. You are one amazing woman that has been dealt a really difficult hand time and time again. You describe it perfectly to be honest. A fucking nighmare on a bucking bronco actually.

Terrrrified for you all the way in Canada.

Laurie

I've got nothing useful to say except my prayers are with you, and, I'm rooting for for door #2.

Did you get pregnant with the Mirena IUD?

Hello I am new to your blog. I have just read it from start to finish and would like to congratulate you on such great news. Good Luck!!

Sarah, Tertia's womb was so hungry for a baby, it sucked her IUD in so she'd have to get it removed by a doctor. Now the uterus has lured her into getting knocked up.

Which is stronger: Baby-craving womb or The Fear? Smart money's on that bossy womb, which wants to hang onto the offspring for 41 weeks. (Or 42 weeks, even. The uterus e-mailed me and told me so.)

Tersia my thoughts are with you. Though I’m not a religious person, my mother really is a true believer. I told her your story, and she has started a prayer ring with all her friends.

Think about it complete and utter strangers, people you have never met and likely never will are keeping you in there thoughts and prayers. We may not all know you but through your blog and all the honesty you put in it, we have all grown to love you, we feel your happiness and your pain as if you where our best friend. Thank you for sharing it all with us.

My RE only measure to 20 and they just tell me that my progesterone is greater than 20.

Is your doctor concerned?

Congratulations! This is exciting news. I am glad to hear that NBHHY.

Holy cow, Tertia!!!
I haven't been able to read your blog for a number of weeks now due to a computer glitch (my system crashes completely every time I visit your site), and read of your pregnancy on another blog. I had to find another computer to read your amazing news. I am floored and so very happy for you!! Yay!!!

I stay away for a few days and THIS is what happens?! Congratulations. Hope it's not too scary for you this time. What about the IUD?

Hey Tertia - still checking in! I had low progesterone with both pregnancies (a tough time getting PG both times too). They put me on supposities the first time around - stuff called Crinone. Not sure what you'll get but if you get that, word of warning, it ALL came out in one day - not pretty. Second time around, I had a new RE and he was really laid back - he said I didn't even need it as long as my P was above 16.

Anyway, progesterone can vary quite a bit and both your numbers are GREAT. I was never in the 40s either time... best I could get to was the 30s. So I think you're golden - will continue to keep good thoughts going for you.

Tertia, I had a low progesterone level-he is nine years old and in the living room!

OH my goodness.

Is the universe changing shape? Are the stars lining up right? There is so much good news... I'll pray my hardest for you guys. This is wonderful!

Congratulations! It seems to me like the experience can't possibly be as hellish as the first time you did it, because now the worst that can happen is that you have a healthy son and a healthy daughter already. But maybe I'm under-estimating how much you want this to work. I bet things will go just great!

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