His past

Had an interesting conversation with friends of mine last night. We started talking about our pasts, about things we had done when we were younger. And then I asked the question: Do you want to know about your partners ex lovers? And I was surprised that the other two couples said they did want to know. Both Marko and I really do not want to know.

We’ve never spoken about our past lovers. I have no idea who his last girlfriend was before I came along. I’ve never told him any thing about my ex boyfriends. It just isn’t important to me. It is the in the past. I don’t feel threatened by anyone, and I certainly don’t need to know details about his previous relationships. What difference would it make?

 It is not that I don’t care about his past, I do. I listen with keen interest to the stories of his childhood, about the fun or naughty things he got up to. And yes, sometimes a girlfriend is mentioned as part of that story and I just think ‘oh’. I know he had a fairly serious girlfriend called Aletta (who I christened A-envelope), but they broke up, he moved on and so did she. I’m glad he had a fun time in his past. If he hadn’t had any previous girlfriend, then I might be worried. It doesn’t matter to me whether he had 1, 10 or 20. I married him when I was 31 and he was 26. We both have pasts. It is the present and the future that I care about, not the past.

 Do you want to know about your partner’s romantic or sexual pasts? It is important to you to know things like how many lovers they had? Who those lovers were? And lastly, do you tell the truth when your partner asks you how many lovers you’ve had! (Do you think your partner is telling the truth!? Does it matter?)

 (I’ve just remembered that Marko has been engaged before! I had completely forgotten about that story. Weird. He was engaged to someone else for a while. I mean, how old could he have been? Five? Forgotten her name now. It wasn’t A-envelope, pretty sure about that. A-envelope was before The Fiancé. Actually, I think The Fiancé was the last girlfriend before me. Or was she? Oh well. Sure she wasn’t any where even close to how G&D I am. Obviously. Duh.)

 PS Scan tomorrow at 1:30pm. Am neeeervous. Verrrry verrrrry neeeeervous.

Comments

[Melany aka Supermom]

I know all about my husbands sexual past and he mine. It's a part of him...just like the time he fell out of a tree

[Kim]

I know all about my husbands past women (all 4 of them) and he knows all about my past 3 (more like 20 - he he. Like you, I think the past is the past. What is important is the present and the future.

[mary ann]

I know Drew's whole past, because it's almost non-existent. He has the gist of mine, from stories. Aside from one time when he said it seemed I'd had more long-term boyfriends than there were years I'd been old enough to date, he's never asked for any specifics.

[Egg Donor]

I totally don't care about what my boyfriends have done before, but I don't mind stories either. All but two guys I've dated cared a lot. In several cases it lead to me breaking up with them. And it's not like I've even slept with 10 guys in my 30 years, but it REALLY REALLY bugged them that I wasn't a pure virginal girl.

My experience is anyone who REALLY cares does because they will have a problem with something you've done.

[Ute]

Sometimes we do ask each other about our previous partners (only had two before Marc anyway), but at least for me it's not out of jealousy, doubt or whatever. It's simply a part of his past, like the holidays he went on or the schools he went to. I even know one of his ex girlfriends. Her eldest son is Marcs godchild. :o)

[jax]

When we first met (10 years ago) I was really open about my past and I think he may have been a little bit drawn to the "naughty" part. BUT as the years have gone I know he would rather not be reminded and I've learnt to read him. Inference is fine but anything explicit I think would now break his heart. Strangely too when we were in the first blushes of courtship ( how sweet does that sound?) he told me stories about past girls but now if I bring that up he point blank doesn't want it mentioned.

[DrJ]

My husband and I know most things about each other´s past relationships and, honestly, our relationship benefits daily from it. We both know where previous relationships have failed and why and are both careful to avoid these traps with each other. Another big point, which came up recently with a friend, is that how someone relates to their ex´s (what he says about them, thinks about them) is highly indicitive of how they´ll treat you. Are they scathing, dismissive, highly critical? Then it´s likely these aspects of your partners personality will get directed at you at some point, whether you break up or not. If it is respect and fondness they show, then this person will likely treat you equally courteously within your relationship.

[Heather]

I have a not-so-squeaky clean past and my husband is cleaner than a preacher's sheets. We don't normally discuss it because it's irrelevant. The past may have helped mold who we became, but they don't define us. :-)

[Gina]

Just want to wish you luck with the scan. Keeping it all crossed and sending happy positive thoughts your way! :)

[Author Mom DogNut]

I don't think it's a matter so much of caring about another's sexual past as that by choosing not to know about previous relationships, you're potentially losing a lot of information about how that person is likely to act and who that person is likely to become in a relationship with you. It's all part of understanding how that person has evolved into the person they are today.

[DoctorMama]

I don't know or ask about his number and he doesn't know or ask about mine, nor have we gone into what exactly we've done, but we know in general about the long-term relationships. For awhile he thought he should let me know if I was about to meet someone he'd slept with, but there were so damn many of them -- three of them at our wedding alone -- that I told him it was perfectly okay not to let me know.

I don't think it's helpful to go deeply into these things for most couples. Not necessarily harmful, but the potential is there. But I think I'd be too curious about a prior fiancee not to ask about what went down with that!

A-Envelope - ha! (Took me a minute, though.)

[ns]

yes, at the very least i would like to know that he's been in relationships before. at my age (30) when i meet a guy that has never had a serious girlfriend in his life, i find it worrying. i would like to know that someone else has done all the "skaafwerk" before me; i'm lazy that way. also, i'd like to know that he knows how to love, and that mostly comes from experience, is my opinion. so, i always ask about previous love affairs with keen interest.

[mo]

my fiance knows about some of mine. my best friend was my first serious boyfriend, i spent about 3 years with him starting when i was 16. and he knows my most recent serious ex because we have a kid together so obviously theres still a lot of contact there. and i dated one of our close mutual friends after the first time me and the fiance had a fling, before we decided it was serious stuff, but there are more, and i have never told him about them. it might come up in conversation about something else, but we have never sat down and talked about it.

i know he was engaged once before about eight or nine years ago to some girl who has since moved to canada and married someone else and that he is quite bitter (STILL, in my opinion) but i dont really want to talk about it. and i dont know about anyone in between. i think there is a close female friend that he has whom he MIGHT have dated but i am not going to ask.

my ex used to go on about his ex girlfriends ALL THE TIME and it bugged the crap out of me. not that i felt threatened just, he was good friends and still in contact with a lot of them and meeting them it was weird to think about them having that kind of relationship. THAT PERSON OVER THERE WAS NAKED WITH MY BOYFRIEND and all that. and i guess you sort of mentally compare yourself to other people and wonder if they miss anything about that person. or if they still think about them.

when i was younger i had random casual sex with a ot of the people i associate with with my fiance. and i think it would freak him out to know that i've slept with people that he knows. and stuff. i dunno.

interesting question! and congrats on the baby thing btw. i have ben reading your blog for ages and never commented. i love the way you come across just like you are talking or something like that. its neat.

[Momma Bee]

I've been reading for ages too but haven't commented in a while...I actually fell behind and couldn't believe my eyes when I read about the pregnancy...I'm sending you so many good vibes and looking forward to some good news following your scan tomorrow!!

[SarahD]

I'm with you--I know the name of my SO's last girlfriend because her family lives in the area, and that's it. He was 35 when we met, I was 28, and the day we decided to date, we were done. I'm sure there were plenty of women before me, but I couldn't care less who they are. He's never asked me either. I think I've volunteered more information than he has, but only as a part of history--"I was dating this guy at that time, then we broke up x years later because he was a jerk." No romantic details. If we associated with an ex, it would be a little more important to know they dated. But, I'm still friends with several of my exes and I'm not sure it's at all significant at this stage other than just a fact.

Can't wait to hear about the scan!

[Simonne]

Hey T ...every healthy baby vibe I've got is coming your way as you go for your scan. I'm thinking of you, and praying (if you call chanting "please, please, please, please puh-leeeeeaaassse" over and over at the big blue sky a prayer).

Oooo ...and as for the ex thing? I don't care about my husband's past - I know there were parts that were a little dodgy, but the operative word here is 'past'. No more. We have a good life together now, and a strong, solid relationship. Whatever happened in his past, he is a good man and a good husband, a good son and brother, and will be a wonderful father. That's what I care about. He knows a little about my past though there is very little to tell (I'm 28 now, and my husband and I have been together 7 plus year ...you'd hope there *wouldn't* be too much!)...I have a very good friend who was a shag-buddy for a while. The ex-shag-buddy is still in my life, but my husband knows about our past, and he is fine with me and the friendship because, among other things, like, you know, love and trust and all that, well, the idea of the ex in the context of a shag-buddy now that we have had much much more time behind us as friends than we did 'together' as such is kind of icky! :-)

Does that make sense? Probably not ...it's been a long day! Oh well, you are not only G & D but a genius to boot, so you'll work it out :-) :-)

[Lucy]

praying for your scan tomorrow... hang in there. God will be beside you...
He hears your prayers, and everything in your heart that you haven't told anyone else. He knows it. Trust Him.

[Suzie-Q.]

I can't count how many men i've been with. Couldn't possibly remember. Sound like a slut? Well, I am almost 46 years old and things used to be alot looser back in the dark ages after the women's movement and before AIDS. Quaaludes were HUGE when i was in college as was sport fucking.
Ahhhhhh! The good old days...
Sorry, i digress...
The answer is I ALWAYS want to know about ALL of the girlfriends and all of the details b/c i think past behavior is predictive of future behavior, but, i lie through my teeth with a smile when I am asked about my sordid past!
Hey!!! It's my world and welcome to it!

**Good luck tomorrow! Sending you loads of good karma!

[heathersak]

waaaaaaay back, when marty and i were first together, he asked me to stop blabbing on so much about my ex's. okay, fine. i wondered why he never blabbed about his, at 18 years old (lol)

.. then one night, we're lying in bed, me facing away from him. he tensed up, and said '.. heather... i have something to tell you. i .. i'm not a virgin. i was really bad when i was younger, and slept with this girl when i was 12.'

he waited for me to reply...
i started laughing.

'SIX years ago?? that's a little shocking, but i don't care!'
he was frozen in fear, thinking i would dump him over such a SCANDAL. it took him a few days to recover.

that was 7+ years ago, and i only occasionally mention my ex's when it's relevant, and he rarely speaks of past relationships.

i think each couple has to find their own comfort zones, and that can be an awkward, but necessary, process.

[goodsandwich]

Oh I love knowing all about that stuff. Mind you we were 27 and 33 when we met, so there were things to know . . . but I just find them fascinating. I mean the very most intimate details, like What did she like about you? Who initiated the first kiss? Really, you were just trying out the concept of casual sex? I'm also not the least jealous, that probably helps, although obviously you are not either!

That's so interesting that you don't want to know about the former fiancee! I would be setting up a picnic lunch and getting every boring-ass detail avidly. I would practically be trying to get them back together, figuring out what went wrong! I make myself laugh sometimes . . . Of course that was the old pre-kid me, now I can't imagine having time to conduct an inquest.

[Robin from TLOL]

We don't know details, and don't feel the need to know. Besides, we've been married over 15 years already, so the past is truly ancient history by now. We've been together long enough that half of our youthful indiscretions were with each other!

Sending very good thoughts for your scan.

[Carmen]

After making the mistake of digging into previous relationships with ex boyfriends, I've well and truly learned my lesson with my DH. I know roughly how many girlfirends he's had but I do not want to know sexual details. He hasn't asked me about mine either but we have discussed the emotional side of our past relationships. I find that much more revealing and constructive than discussing what you did in bed. LOL.

[Miranda]

My ex and I lived with my partner when we were together, and I was responsible for setting up my partner and my best friend (yes, there were some fun conversations when we got together!) so there are very few secrets about previous boyfriends or girlfriends. My best friend and are are still close, and I have met another of his ex girlfriends, and occasionally chat with another online. He works with D. an ex of mine, and they are the best of mates, (the ex and occasionally catch up and get on pretty well now too) In fact my partner sounded rather upset when he realised I had (accidentally) left D. off my birthday invite list!

I don't know about him, but I am not jealous of his ex's OR the fact he still talks to a couple of them. Personally, I don't know what he ever saw in them seeing as I am the most G&D thing in my corner of the blogosphere!

Past is past... we're over our respective ex's, and over the fact that I am friends with one or two of his, and he is mates with one of mine. We adore each other, and that is all that matters.

[Hanlie]

We were 38 and 36 respectively when we met and I had been married years before, but strangely enough, when we met it was as if the past just melted into insignificance. Just as well, since mine is not exactly squeeky clean! We never talk about our exes and are not even curious. I could tell that he was not all that experienced and have since learnt from his sister that he had his heart badly broken in his 20's, but that I'm worth 1000 times more than her and that they've never seen him so happy. At the end of the day, he's a wonderful man, a truly great husband and I can't wait to see him as a dad. We look at the present and towards the future and don't dwell in the past.

[Andrea]

I just got up and am having a cup of coffee, and you should just about now have a dildo-cam up your bits.

Good luck dear.

[moo]

Good Luck with the scan, Tertia, am holding thumbs for you.