His turn

We had the first Cape Town Infertility support group meeting on Saturday, and it was a huge success. I think everyone had a great time and it was so heart warming to see how people make such real connections with each other. There was a LOT of talking going on at the tables. If anyone is interested in attending the next one, please email me.

Then last night, I attended the Cape Town Geeks Dinner. Lots of fun. Too many speeches and not enough time for bonding, but still had lots of fun. Am a little hung over today, on two glasses of wine! I am pathetic, no staying power what so ever. As some one said to me the other day, I am light on juice.

 Poor Marko, he has had to have lots of ‘turns’ lately. When I was running through the scheduled events for the week, he nearly had a heart attack when I told him that he would have to do the entire Saturday afternoon shift solo. Something he has never done previously.

Him: Who is going to look after the kids on Saturday?
Me: You
Him: You have obviously not thought this through properly
Me: Yes I have, you can look after them. As we discussed; when they were little, I would do it, but once they get older then you would be fine to do it. They are two now, you’ll be fine
Him: I meant older than 16 (he was joking here)

 Marko helps me out so much around the house. He is also great with the kids but up until recently he hasn’t actually done too many kid shifts on his own.

 When they were little, I did all the hands on baby things, and he did all the admin and supportive things. Like bottles, tidying etc. It suited us, it worked for us and I have never spoken about it here since I spoke about it the first few times, when some people laid into Marko and said nasty things about him. Which I will not tolerate.

 Marko, for various reasons, just couldn’t do the baby thing. Not because he didn’t love them, or because he didn’t want to, but it was just too overwhelming for him. Babies are pretty scary. Twins are even scarier. And as I am sure you might remember, Adam was an industrial-strength enema when he was a baby. Yes, some men are hands on; some men love it, and some men even do the entire baby thing on their own. Marko is not ‘some men’.

 (Hey, I’ve just realized how much easier Adam has become! Yay! Had forgotten how much hard work he was as a baby. It really does get easier!)

 Although it was often really hectic for me, it suited us to manage our family in this way. I didn’t mind doing all the baby things, in fact I loved it.

 But …. the understanding all along was that when they got older, when they could speak and understand, Marko would start doing some solo baby shifts. In my head, I had the age of two in mind. They turned two last month and I have slowly been letting go. And without actually discussing it, Marko has done more and more of the hands-on solo baby stuff.

 I must say, it has been quite bloody marvellous. I have been to blame, to a large degree that it hasn’t happened up until now, because I haven’t wanted to let go. You know that old attitude of: No one takes care of my kids as well as I do, and so I prefer doing it myself? But that is not the right attitude to have, and not fair on Marko, the kids or myself, to be honest.

 And so I have decided it is time for a change. They are now two (sixteen?? Where is he going with sixteen??), and I am taking full advantage of the situation. Support group meetings, dinners …… YAY! Me skipping off into the sunset, bottle of wine in hand, throwing instruction lists in my wake, waving goodbye to the tearful trio of father and kids without so much of a moment of hesitation. See you later, have fun!

 Yes, it’s time. It’s his turn now.

 (And by the way, Marko is doing a fabulous job, no one has died, the kids love it and why didn’t I do this before!!!)

 

Comments

[Sarah Cool]

I loved reading this post!!! It was a really special explanation of how you guys make your marriage and parenting work. I think when woman want their husbands to be "most men" is when things get hairy, because I doubt the stereotype of the "majority" actually applies to the majority.

Heh heh, that was pretty confusing, good luck deciphering that!

Tertia, anyway, thanks for sharing this!!

[pehp]

Babies ARE scary and I don't think there's anything wrong with Marko taking a slight 'backseat' to the hands-on things when the children were tiny. Whatever works for each couple is what's best! Now they're so interactive that it should be more entertaining for him as well as a little less daunting b/c they are bigger! Good for you and Marko, go skip off into the sunset and let him have some Dad-time with the children. He'll probably get more confident too as he does more 'on his own.' I am pregnant and can foresee this sort of arrangement with my husband, who absolutely loves little children but has a sort of terror of babies, breaking them or mishandling them, or whatever. I like classifying his role as administrative--I think that's what it will be for a while, until the baby gets bigger. But my best friend's husband practically nurses her child, he does so much baby-care. Whatever works for each couple. Go marko ;)

[Louise]

Good for you and Marko! Everyone has to work out their own "system."

[TristonJ]

You know you best! If we all had to follow what "The books" say more than half our relationships (with husband and children)would be on the rocks.

[jen]

Babies are definitely scary, especially for anyone (men or women) who haven't been around babies a lot. My sister would hardly hold my son when he was a baby for fear of 'breaking' him! So it's not just a man thing. My husband played the supportive role brilliantly - he did EBTB (everything but the breastfeeding) for a long while whilst I recovered from my C section. But because I was breastfeeding for 14 months, he didn't have the opportunity to take on a whole shift for a long while. Then with no notice, he had to take sole responsibility for my son when he was 4 months, and my son had never had a bottle. That was a trial by fire - and a half! And he coped wonderfully. And now my son is 18 months, I can go away for a day and a night and not worry. Ok, so that isn't twins - definitely harder. And I do find that the house is trashed and my husband can't do anything else around the house whilst he's 'looking after' (no multitasking for him!). But never mind.... we can't ALL be perfect ;)

[marguerite]

I did most of the baby handling until one evening, I was in the middle of something, maybe I hadn't finished my glass of wine, and it was time to put the little one in bed. She must have been about 6 months old. I asked the Mr. to take her to bed and sing her a song or two. He was gone about a half hour. Then he came back in and actually thanked me for letting him do it. He said it was peaceful and sweet. He took on a lot more after that.

[Sara]

Yay for you and Marko! Way to make teamwork work for you!

[Silene]

Yea for you! Enjoy the new system - and tell Marko to enjoy it, because when they're sixteen they won't want you around anymore...

[Suzie-Q.]

Nice to get out of the house again, isn't it? Feels like the old days...
Yay for turning 2! Yay for Marko! Yay for Tertia! (P.S. if i have 2 glasses of wine now i inevitable end up on the floor... somewhere).

[Stefanie]

I'll let you in on a little secret. Dads really can do stuff when you're not around. They just don't want you to know it. I bet they'll have a blast.

[sheilah]

Yes. I agree with what others have already said. Your family runs perfectly for you. Anyone who doesn't like it should just f#$% off. Definitely agree with the hard to let go too. Maybe some leftover 'can't believe I'm actually a mother' crap from IF too.

Bet Marko will do better than even he thinks he can (tho' I wouldn't be surprised if he pretends he doesn't!!).

[Heels]

I think sometimes that babies just really, really need their mothers and that we are pretty much hard-wired to give all that they need. I think it's harder for dads SOMETIMES and that it's also scary for them, whereas we often know instinctively what our children need when they're still wee little.

For most of the first 15 months of his life, my son was 100% mommycentric. For most of the second year of my son's life, my wonderful husband has risen at the crack of dawn to entertain the screamyboy while I sleep in.

I have no beef with a parenting arrangement that suits all parties and keeps kids well-cared for. Go for it.

[Lisa]

That's the same arrangement hubby and I have. He deals with social services and I do most of the hands-on baby care. It works well, because he is better at convincing people to do what he needs done and getting information out of them. We foster/adopt, by the way.

[4katnap]

Play to your strengths! It sounds like you and Marko have a great plan and I'm betting more couples would do better to look at what works for them rather than what they think should work.

Sounds like all 4 of you win!

[Jen]

See, this post just proves to me that people have to work out what works best for them and their relationship. Proof positive. Glad you are all doing well!

[Orange]

When my son was almost 2 (or was it almost 3?), I went away for a week's vacation in Florida with my cousin. I was convinced that my husband would discover just what a terrible burden full-time parenting was, just how exhausting. Hah! He had a grand week. He's remarkably patient, which I am not.

I'm definitely a better parent when I know I can have some uninterrupted "me" time every so often. Everyone needs that, especially parents, and those of us who are fortunate enough not to have to work two jobs apiece should insist the the daddies facilitate that periodically.

[Simonne]

The only problem I can see is that eventually Marko is going to work out that a high level of mischief can be made and got away with (temporarily) when in sole charge... *then* you're in trouble!

>:-)

[Ninotchka]

You're doing damn good.

It took until my third kid until I was fully ready to "let go." That's not to say I haven't always trusted my husband 100% completely (I've said all along he's a better *mother* than I am and when I used to work, I'd joke we needed a "wife") but I was just really, really attached to the first two babes until about 18 months of age. Might have something to do with how long I nursed them (22 mo & 18 mo. respectively). I don't know. I just know with Anna Sofia (whom I nursed 'til 12 [13?] mo.), I was off and running and comfortable with leaving her with him and anybody, for that matter, from way earlier.

So back to my original point: you're doing DAMN good. Both of you. I congratulate you.

[gretchen]

Good for you! It just seems like you're a little insecure and trying to convince "us" or maybe yourself that this arrangement is good for your family.

[socal]

Damn Gretchen, Judgemental much? She's already said it is an arrangement that works for her family. Unless you're sitting in her house and watching her live her life, your "convincing us" comment is about as relevant as wire corsets.

[socal]

Hi Tertia,

Just to give you a bit of comparison and let you know that Marko was meant to be a father, John recently threatened to drive 90 miles and pee in our Godson's bed as retribution for the little mistake that our little Connor made in our bed while with us for the weekend.

We took the kids home after our weekend and John went upstairs to grab his jacket (where Connor's room is) and Connor freaked out screaming NOOOOOO DO NOT PEE IN MY BED!!! MY DAD BUILT IT FOR ME IN THE SHAPE OF A TRAIN!!!

John had to sit with him for 20 minutes explaining the concept of sarcasm (I told him this was pointless and that kids can pretty much only get that it was a BAD JOKE). Now Connor watches Uncle John like he's a criminal and probably wishes he could fit him with a parolee ankle bracelet.

[Tertia]

Hi Gretchen, not insecure at all. The only reason why it might have come across a bit stronger than one would expect is that last time Marko got blasted from some people about his supposed lack of parenting skills, and all sorts of other crap.

I wanted to make sure that everyone understood that even though they might not agree with the way we run our family, it works for us. That even though their husband's might do all the feeding / bathing / nappy changes etc, mine didn't AND I HONESTLY DIDN'T MIND.

If I come across as defensive, it is because I was really hurt by what people said about Marko last night. Attack me all you want, but leave my husband out of it.

So, I am not insecure at all, just protective about my family.

[Chickenpig]

What about Rose? If I had a nanny it would be perfectly fine for my husband to take a back seat, but as it were, if my husband hadn't been willing to take a shift, or a day now that they are older, I would have gone totally bat shit! Your system works fine, it works for a lot of couples, especially where babies are being breastfed (there just isn't a lot a man can do there) but when you have twin babies you have to have help from someone.

[Alley]

Some friends of mine attended the 27 dinner, I hear it was a blast :-)

As for childcare by dad - my SO has only looked after the twins for very short periods on his own but my sister is returning to SA for a well deserved rest later this month and will be gone for 2 weeks. Chris is taking them one week and I'll do the other one. The poor chap is going to have a real baptism of fire and I'll bet he'll wish he could have a holiday straight afterwards :-)

Love
A

p.s. Marko seems lovely and at least he knows and acknowledges his shortcomings of which there are few!

[gretchen]

t- I guess I missed the Marco bashing, too bad that happened. I understand your post now given the history. I wasn't being judgemental about your life, just wondering why you felt the need to explain. I get it now.