Would you stay or would you go?

I have a hypothetical situation for you. 

 Let’s say you’ve been married to someone for a long time. Let’s say 20 years. Perhaps even longer. Lets say you got married late’ish, had your kids late’ish and now they have left the home. Or even if you didn’t get married late. Whatever.  Now you are both retired. When you first met you were in love, and then the ‘in love’ thing faded (as it does) and you just ‘loved’ him. And then the children came along and you were too busy to even notice whether you loved him or not. You just carried on doing your thing.

 And now, 20, 30 years later, it’s just the two of you, and you realize you don’t even like him. He isn’t abusive, he doesn’t cheat. He is not terribly lazy / stinky / selfish. But you don’t like him. You don’t like the person he has become. He is a nasty, sulky person. A miserable bastard, to be perfectly honest. Perhaps he has always been that person; and love / marriage / kids clouded your perception. 

 Neither of you has much money. Financially, it would make sense to stay together. Emotionally – there is nothing. Not even respect. Just familiarity. Which, as the saying goes, has definitely bred contempt. And perhaps there is the fear of being on your own. Because let’s be honest, loneliness is a frightening thing. People wither and die because of loneliness. 

 Do you stay with him? Does the thought of being alone in your old age scare you enough into staying in a loveless marriage? You share bills. You share children. You even share a bed. But that’s all you share.

 Or should you get out while you still have the last few years left on this earth to be good to yourself? Is being alone better or worse that being with someone you don’t even like, never mind love?

 Would you stay? Or would you go?

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 You know, my first instinct would be to say GET OUT! GO! Leave the miserable bastard. He does nothing for you; except tear you down. He doesn’t deserve you. You certainly don’t deserve to be spoken to like that.  

 Except. He is all you’ve ever known. At least he is someone to keep you company. Someone to talk to. And you’ve shared so much. So much history. The children, the grandchildren. The memories. Perhaps you should just tolerate him. 

 I don’t know. 

 20 years ago, perhaps it would have been easier. Perhaps not. The children were young then. But so where you. 

 Is it too late now?

 Is it better to be in a loveless yet familiar relationship than no relationship at all? Is a loveless marriage ever worth keeping? For “the sake of the kids”? For financial reasons? Religious reasons? Do you have a duty to stay married because of the promise you made all those years ago?

 Divorce is so easy nowadays. Too easy. What happened to commitment? Every relationship goes through rocky times. Relationships change. People change. Such is life. And yet ……

 Do you stay or do you go?

 What do you think?

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 A story my mom told me. About a friend of hers. This friend was an elderly woman whose husband had died. He had been a typical crotchety old man. A pain in the ass actually. She used to moan about him; he used to drive her crazy. And then he was gone. And she was on her own. And suddenly life was a lot emptier. 

 She told my mom to appreciate her husband (ie my dad), even when he was being a pain / asshole / miserable bastard / crotchety cantankerous old fart. Because “die fokken stoel praat nie” – translated: the fucking chair doesn’t talk.

 In other words, as bad as the old man was, at least he was company. Now all she has is an empty chair.

 When either my mom or I have a moan about our husbands, we remind each other that “die fokken stoel praat nie”. 

 ----------------

 Does that mean I’d stay? I don’t know. I really don’t. Every single fibre in my body screams LEAVE! GO! And yet, I realize it isn’t as simple as that. It is never as simple as that. 

 I can’t stop thinking about this. I hope that I never face this decision.

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 Note: I am not talking about staying in an abusive relationship.  This is much more subtle than that. This is about whether you live your ‘one chance at today*’ in a relationship where there is no ‘like’, never mind love.

 This is one of the key things that drives me: You only get one chance at today.  When tomorrow comes, today is gone forever. You only get one chance at today. Is it ok to you to live your today like you are doing currently? 

Comments

[MamaChristy]

I think it's worth the time for a couple like this to try and find something that they can enjoy together. Cooking, chess, wine, a dog, walks - something. Anything. It seems a shame to waste so much history and make the children and grandchildren suffer through a divorce. Can you imagine having to start seperate holidays because of divorced parents when you are 30? Sucks. And then they are alone. If one falls and none of the kids live close enough to visit daily, that could be horrible. While I'm inclined to say "get out" as well, I would probably stay and try to make the best of the situation.

[Carrie]

My father is a (retired) divorce lawyer. Once of his first clients was a man who had been married to his wife 50 years, and was asking for a divorce. My father, rather green and newly married himself at the time, asked him if it was really that bad because after all, they'd been married so many years, did he really want to be alone in the time he had left? The man replied, I don't have much time left, so why would I want to spend it miserable?

Both my grandfathers outlived my grandmothers. My mother's father was very outgoing and had lots of friends. While he missed my grandma terribly (they still had held hands after 60 years together), I don't think he was usually lonely, because he'd had such a rich social life with close relationships. My father's father, on the other hand, is an introvert and left all the social organizing to his wife, and when she died, he didn't even know people's phone numbers. It was no wonder that eventually people lost touch, and he seldom has visitors outside of my immediate family. He often complains of being lonely.

I know friends are not really a subsitute to having someone to come home to, but seeing the differences in my grandfathers really brought home to me that I am the one responsible for the quality of my life. Honestly, unless I needed him for care, I can't see how I would stay with a man who made me that miserable. "Company" of that nature is worse to me than spending the evening talking to my cat.

[Catherine]

If I ever liked him, I would try to work on it. If I realized I never really liked him, I'd get the heck out. If there is nothing to build on...then there is nothing.

[Liza]

Ooo...tough one. It's harder to made a decision in a situation like that than in a more clear-cut one, like abuse or infidelity, for sure. So much hassle to leave, and all. I think you glorify them when the leaving is fresh, but when you've been apart long enough you start to really enjoy your life in the ways you couldn't before, just for subtle little reasons. It's like The Story of An Hour. Heh. But longer.

Moving on.

I'd pay five bucks to hear a .wav file of you saying "die fokken stoel praat nie." Maybe you could publish that and collect money for Bosom Buddies or something ;-) I'm sure women the world over would like to know how to pronounce that one.

[Nancy]

I would stay but spend a lot less time with him, travel independently, etc., even live seperately if necessary if it came to that. It wouldn't be right to dump him completely. He's family.

[cricket]

At that point in my life, I'd just live my life the way I wanted, whether he participated in it or not. I wouldn't succumb to being brought down to his misery. I wouldn't cause the turmoil in my family or jeapordize my retirement income by moving homes though. I'd treat him as a roommate. I think this probably happens a lot.

My mother has been widowed for 20 years. Sure she gets lonely. But one of the biggest lessons she (and my late father) taught me is that you have to enjoy your own company, you will never live your entire life without experiencing some loneliness. Before I got married in my mid 30s I went through several committed relationships. And when those relationships deteriorated, I remember how free and alive I would feel when I was apart from that person. That was how I new it was over. I would never choose to be with someone i didn't admire and enjoy over an empty chair. But I've never walked in your friend's shoes and am sure it's not so black and white.

[Judy]

I'd say stay, if for no reason than you've been married that long, don't you think you owe it to yourself to at least try before giving up? Also to consider how that example will affect others?

While they're not my actual parents, I have Godparents who divorced a couple of years ago for reasons very similar to the ones you mention. My Godmother just really didn't like my Godfather anymore, she felt she had grown in several directions and he stayed the same person he'd always been.

I resent my Godmother now for not trying, for not trying to be an example for me, the closest thing to a child they ever had. I think it's far too easy these days to say "I'm tired of this, I'm leaving", when with a little bit (or a lot) of work, it could be something good again. "When it sucks, give up" is a terrible example.

(these are solely my opinions and are not intended to flame or offend)

[abogada]

I'd stay. It's that whole commitment thing. I would try to work on the relationship. BTW, what you've written sounds like my parent's marriage! I often wonder why they've stayed together, since it seems like they don't like each other. But when one of them has a bout with a serious health problem, the other looks completely lost. You know what they say -- outward appearances can be deceiving.

[Spacemom]

I don't know. I think if it were me, I would open a dialog first. How does he feel? Do I dislike him because of the changes? Or in spite of the changes that life brings? People can change even late in life and perhaps I was the one who was making him miserable.

I would make every attempt to understand the situation from both sides first. But then again, my husband and I are very open to each other and discussions....

[Cin]

You wrote that she didn't like the person he had "become". I found myself in this situation last year - I didn't want to leave my husband, and deep down still loved him but found I didn't like him much anymore. He had become difficult and judgemental and sometimes impossible. I decided to do more on my own, and spend less time at home. What changed was when I told my doctor about our problems, and she said "I think he has an anxiety disorder". I convinced him to go in, and she suggested he try AD's. They have changed our lives. He's now the same fun, sweet guy I married. So I would suggest she try and get him to a doctor, and if all is well physically, a counselor. And if he won't go, I'd probably still stay, but live a separate life as others have suggested.

[Paul]

My inclination is to do what makes you happy. I also don't see the point in staying in a marriage where you are unhappy and your relationship comes down to some chatter for the sake of chatter. A family member is in a lousy relationship which has caused huge conflict and I believe she stays in that relationship because the alternative is being on her own for a bit and that prospect is worse for her than staying in this relationship.

Then again, I am still young (31) so things probably look very different from this perspective. I can imagine that it is a far more daunting prospect for someone who is 20 years older than me contemplating being single again after being married for so long and having to create a new life. On the other hand, it does happen, and often out of necessity. My dad died about 3 and a half years ago and my mom found herself on her own. She has met a great guy and is living her life.

Bottom line, for me at least, is summed up in the comment Carrie quoted above: "I don't have much time left, so why would I want to spend it miserable?"

[Jody]

Someone you genuinely don't like? Life's too short. I'd leave.

But, I'd really, REALLY hope that it never reached that point -- that I was never so out-of-touch with my spouse that we lost all touch with each other and wandered off down unhappy paths. Because shared grandparenting when you're not married is tricky (especially if someone else comes along and jolts your spouse out of his/her unloveliness, and now your grandchildren love spouse's new partner -- great for the grandchildren, not always easy for you) and shared parenting of grown adults is also not easy.

My first choice would be to try to rediscover the lovely parts of your spouse, to try to re-create a life in which you enjoyed each other, shared interests, and were glad to share all the parts of your life together.

But if that's just not possible? If you let it get too bad, for too long, and there's no foundation left on which to build? I'm sorry, but I don't think having a miserable unlikeable lump on your couch is preferable to being alone. Not least because all the energy the lump would be sucking away from you could be spent finding new friends, new interests, and new possible people to sit on that couch.

At least an empty house is under your control, and you can choose to be alone, or to be lonely, depending on what you want.

[girlplease]

wow. comment deleted. hmmm. oh well. good luck w/ the blog

[Tertia]

Girlplease - no idea why your comment was deleted? I certainly didn't delete it. Please repost your comment!

[Gina Parrot]

I am in a unhappy marriage, even though we try and we love each other in strange ways- but we are unhappy- hard to explain..... but here we are - I hate going home when he is there- but that is the way it is...we have an eight year old... it would be a big hassle to split- we have been married 16 years...we are both unhappy, but he loves me so much...so he says-- I wonder.....No movement in my life- although I have so many dreams..so many..