The truth about my parts

I was going to write this in the comments below, but then I got all long winded, as usual, and thought I would post it here. It’s a long post. Not going to do that click here for more thing because I know how much you hate it. See! I do think of your needs. Sometimes.

 From the post below where I mentioned the coke/E thing:

 Tertia,
Fan of your BLOG, fan of you.
Just felt myself have a strong reaction to reading ref. to E and coke.
I know it was a LONG time ago and you have talked about being a party girl before so I'm surprised I had such a feel of shock in my gut. I asked myself why I am fine with someone drinking but have such a problem with drugs. Would I feel the same about drinking if it was illegal?
Anyway, wasn't going to say anything but then decided to suggest maybe you should take the specific references out of your post. Maybe you could just say we were both "under the influence" or something.
Now that you are getting more well known and with the book out etc., who knows, you may run for office someday and wish this wasn't out in print. Plus there is the whole "I plan to give my kids a copy of this blog someday" conflict. Anyway, I know the point was how your life has changed and I am focusing on a small detail. Probably should just go with my first impression and not post anything about it but I typed all this now so in the spirit of you, I will leave it.

 Thanks for your comment. I always appreciate people being brave enough to post what they really feel in such a respectful manner, especially when they disagree with me. Thank you for that.

 I posted what I wrote, knowing that my mother will read it, my boss might read it; my friends, my co workers and a whole lot of other people who know me in real life might read it too. 

 One of the things I have decided to do on this blog, is to be true to myself and be totally honest and open about who I am, warts and all.  I could post just the good bits, and the right / moral / correct / clean version of who I am and who I used to be. But that would not feel right to me. Perhaps not mentioning the coke and E thing would be the right thing to do, but it doesn’t feel terribly wrong to me.

 It is hard blogging so openly; knowing so many people who know me in real life read this blog. But I made a decision to be as open as I would be if I was posting anonymously.  Or else I would never be able to say anything at all.  I would end up only ever blogging about what I had for lunch ;-) (Chips and dip, if you must know)

 I am not proud of all the things I did in my past, but I did them. And hopefully I learnt from them. Pretending they didn’t happen, or hiding them just wouldn’t be me.  This is me. The good, the bad, the trainwrecky, the faulty, the imperfect. Believe, I know I have some seriously dorky / asshole’ish sides to my personality.  I can be a complete wanker / drama queen / bitchy asshole sometimes.

 Sometimes I wonder about coming out about the depression thing.  What does it make people think of me? Do they judge me for it? Will they think less of me?  Will they think I am less than competent as a mother / employee / person.  Do they think I am making it all up? Being all ‘woe is me’?  Well, if they do, then they do.  Not admitting to it seems wrong somehow. Pretending that my life is all sunshine and roses all the time.  It isn’t.

 Being totally open about who I am is very freeing for me. It feels as if I never have to lie, or pretend or remember the different versions of all the stories I’ve told people.  I have a shocking memory; I know I’d fuck it up somewhere. I don't do it because I am noble / brave etc. I do it because I am a TERRIBLE liar. I always get caught out. And if I did run for office one day, I would be constantly on my nerves that the truth about my past would come out one day. 

 So instead, I tell the whole truth.  The good and bad bits. 

 (Freudian slip – initially wrote ‘the truth about my parts’ instead of ‘the truth about my past’.  Hahaha! The truth about my ‘parts’ is even scarier than my ‘past’!)

 That’s the one side of the coin.

 The other debate is whether I should or will tell my kids one day that I did drugs.  If I tell them that I did; will they think “well, if my mother did it, then she can’t tell me not to do it!” You could argue, how can I tell them not to do something I did in my youth?  On the other hand, being open about it means I can tell them about my own personal experience with drugs.  About how it fucked up the lives of so many of my friends.  About how dangerous it is. How it has a long term effect on your mental and physical health.  About how I think it is one of the causes of my bouts of chemical depression.  How I think addiction is strongly genetic and how they should watch out for it. And mostly, how stupid and boring people are on drugs. Seriously, have you ever spoken to a person on coke?  Blah blah blah boring. 

 Wait, there’s another side of the coin.  Who knew a coin had three sides.

 It touches a little on the whole privacy / open blogging thing that has been spoken about in various places and different times.  Some people feel quite strongly that one shouldn’t blog so openly.  About oneself and about one’s kids. There are various arguments in support of this: That there are plenty of weirdo stalkers out there who might, well, I am not quite sure what these weirdo stalkers are supposed to do to you.  But ok, there are weirdo stalkers out there. Who might stalk you. And be weird.

 Secondly, if you blog about your kids, they might be angry / embarrassed / humiliated one day when they are 13 that you posted stuff about them on the Net.  I don’t think my kids will be, but I do recognize that many of you feel they might be.  I hope I am right. If not, well I will have to deal with it then.  In my gut, I don’t feel I am wrong. But as a few of you said, perhaps I am dangerously mistaken in thinking that my kids will have the same attitude about openness as I do. 

 Lastly, I really do think it’s a bit of a cultural thing.  HUGE generalization coming up (done on purpose to illustrate point, fully aware that one can never generalize etc etc): but in general, parts of the American culture does seem to be a bit more private / privacy conscious / conservative in the openness thing.  Perhaps I am supremely naïve (probably), but I am always slightly bemused at how hung up some people are on the whole privacy thing.  So what if you know my name / bank balance / chest measurement etc.  I don’t care. What are you going to do with that information?  Stalk me?  Judge me? I think if you are going to do that, you would do it anyway.

 But I’ve gone far off the point.  As I tend to do.

 Perhaps I am just a typical Sagittarian.  Probably.

 

Comments

[Flicka]

Tertia, I think it's good to be real about your life. You overcame your addiction. There's heroism in that! There's good leadership in that, too, especially for your children. If you represented yourself as perfect to them, they'd feel like they could never live up. Instead they know they can come to you with anything, which, if anything *does* happen will mean that they are safer than if they felt they couldn't talk to you. Set boundaries, encourage them not to do drugs. And be honest. Your kids love you.

[Jenn]

I agree with you. I choose to blog openly too because, well, that's who I am. I don't write anything I wouldn't say in real life, which isn't much. If my kids have a problem with me telling the world they were constipated when they were 5 months old, well, I'll deal with it then.

I thought about not posting picture or the babies names after dealing with a real life stalker (not internet related) but then I thought, people see me and the kids out every day. If they ask me their names, I tell them. What is the difference if I post it online?

[Maddy]

I love your blog and appreciate your openness. I'm sure your friends and family do too...and are used to you being you, anyway.

I think Americans *are* a bit more hung up about this stuff (speaking as an American myself). I'm also amazed at how much others seem to care about what you do or don't do. Interesting, no??

Happy New Year! Hope 2007 is a great one for you and your family.

[melissaS]

if you didn't write about it, it would still be true. I think there's power in being open about things.

[Hoping]

My parents grew up in the 60's and 70's and have always been open about their past drug use and I have learned to really appreciate that. Even though I did experiment with pot and coke a little my brother never did so I guess it just depends on the person, BUT my drug use never had anything to do with the fact that my parents told me about theirs. I just did it.

Love you love your blog as always.

[Krissy]

Lurker de-lurking to comment. I agree with Tertia. My parents we always very open with me about their past in hopes that I would take their mistakes and learn from them. And I did. Don't get me wrong, I still made my own mistakes, but I took their mistakes and tried to be better and not make the same ones. So I think being open is very important. Had my parents lied to me about their past and then I found out another way (because let's be honest you always find out from someone) I would never have trusted my parents again. I knew that because they were honest with me about the worst parts of their pasts, they would be honest with me about everything else.

PS-In the last 2 weeks, I have gone back and read your entire archives and believe me I am hooked. Thanks for what you put out there for all the infertiles. Your writings have helped me a lot. Also, thanks for what you write for our families to help them understand what we go through on a daily basis...

You are completely G&D!1

Krissy

[Feebee]

I also choose to blog openly. I do it for myself, but I also do it to show people who I am - how often in life do you get to do that?

I think there is more power in your openness about drugs and depression than you know. And yes, as someone whose family lived in the US for a long time, I think Americans can be a little obsessed with what other people get up to!

[Suzie-Q.]

I totally agree with you, T., and applaud your openness and honesty on your blog. You have talked about this issue before and have always been very clear about where you stand on posting the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I think the reason you get so many readers of your blog is your honesty (and, of course, your very excellent writing and your extremely fabuous and interesting life as a celebrity!).
And, FWIW, I happen to be interested in what you eat for lunch.
;)

[Janis]

I have a daughter who just got out of rehab for drug and alcohol addiction. In the midst of her treatment she was tellling me how I had no idea how hard it is to get clean. She said I could never understand.

It was then that I knew I had to come clean with her. I do know. I've been there. I was in her shoes at the same age.

By sharing with her my own struggles, she was able to see even more so that she was not alone and that I did indeed, get it.

This is your blog T. You write what you want, when you want, how you want. Don't ever censor yourself because of someone else's opinions. If someone else chooses to get offended by your honesty, they don't have to read your blog. There are millions of other blogs to choose from. Me, I like people who tell it like it is. They are far more interesting than the ones writing what they think others want to read.

And their concern over your kids? Bleah. Most parents are open and honest with their kids about life lessons. I highly doubt that 16 years from now Adam and Kate will read your blog and discover volumes of information about you that they didn't already know.

I don't sugarcoat my life for anyone. And I respect that you don't either.

[Nicola Theron]

Yeah Americans are very hung up on the privacy thing...I mean honestly like you say who cares :)

[Janna]

Popping in just to say...you are right, Tertia! Addictions to things like drugs and alcohol are strongly influenced by genetics (and obviously be exposure too - can't be an alcoholic if you've never had a drink.) In the department where I'm a grad student, there are actually quite a few people publishing work on addiction to alcohol, nicotine, heroin, cocaine, etc.

To me, that means that you're doing exactly the right thing for your kids - telling them, in detail, about all the drawbacks so that hopefully they limit their exposure and avoid even the slightest possibility of addiction. You would do the same thing if something like high cholesterol ran in your family - make sure the kids know they are at risk for that and try to convince them to behave accordingly as they grow up. Perhaps the fact that you shared this on your blog will convince others to follow your example.

[HeatherG]

I find the British even more hung up about privacy. My friend changed hairdressers because her workmate went to the same one (you know how they talk).
A note of caution, when I was on a.d. I was far more unguarded and open than normal and did feel kind of embarassed later. I once spilled my life story to a co-worker and although we bonded I can see now that I that wasn't really in character for me.
Enjoying the good, bad, and the ugly.

[Chickenpig]

Way to go, Tertia! I like your blog, warts and all. It is one of the few where I really think I'm getting a glimpse of a real person, all the parts. I think experiences of all kinds, good and bad, are what make us grow as individuals, and being honest about those experiences is what makes us good parents. My mom was a hippy in the 60's, and there probably wasn't anything she didn't do. She survived her youth just fine, and none of her three kids thought that it was fine to spend their lives wasted. There is a time and place for everything, and it's called college ;)

Americans do seem to be unusually hung up about SOME of the aspects of privacy...and then we cut loose and flash our tits for beads at mardi gras...go figure. Better to hang it all out on a blog, I say, then to end up on "Girls gone wild III"

[Gidget]

This is fascinating. Did Tertia say she was an addict? I must have missed that. Because anyone who has used drugs is an addict right? I partied the same way, while, I might add, holding down a very successful corporate job, paid my mortgage, lived in a nice clean house.

I don't condone or recommend the use of drugs, really, although some of them are quite nice. It's just a party life style. One day you grow up, and don't have the energy for the aftermath anymore, and then you want to have kids, and it's just part of the past.

It is just so incredibly odd to me that some of the comments are so sanctimonious. I thought the irony in the post was hilarious, and certainly mirrors the lives of a few people I know.

[Kirsty]

When a friend and I are commenting on things we have in common, we always say "it must be a Sagittarian thing". It's totally tongue in cheek and always makes us laugh.

As for drugs - well btdt and mostly had a bloody excellent time, thanks. Wasn't addicted and don't regret it in the slightest. And yes, it did make the drug talk with my teenage son very entertaining. This ex-party girl got mightily offended when he responded with hysterical laughter and exclaimed "YOU? But you were born boring!". Er, thanks kid...

[thrice]

Maybe I am too americanized, BUT for me I would want to be able to decide when to share the info. Then again, maybe I'm a complete coward by not sharing my identity. Then again, maybe not. stalkers. libel suits. divorce court. child custody. I would prefer to think not.

[Suzie-Q.]

Gidget~
Just to clarify... Tertia has, in previous posts, spoken of her addiction to X, coke, whatever, i can't remember exactly which drugs at the moment and said addictions can be genetic. And, she referred to that in this post when speaking of her warning to Adam and Kate to watch out for that. Yes. You did miss something. Nobody said that all drug users are addicts.

[Paul]

For me it comes down to expressing that authentic voice and part of that is talking about stuff that maybe isn't all sunshine and happiness (or which some people simply don't like or agree with). I think that you can't claim to be blogging authentically if you never blog about the less appealing parts of your life because all that happens is that you create an incomplete image of yourself.

Besides which, I have come to see blogs as a kind of recordal of my life. My personal blog is intended to be around in one form or another for a very long time and eventually become an eduring record of my existence in this life for my friends and family (and anyone else who finds me). For my part it doesn't really matter whether it was E and Coke or E and Fanta, expressing your voice means more to me than what you did or didn't do. But that is just me.

And a fellow Sag?! Cool! Happy birthday for last month! :-)

[Beth]

Arriving to this discussion late and it's already been said, but as a long-time teacher I just want to echo that when talking with kids, thoughtful, respectful, compassionate, age-appropriate honesty is always better than any of the alternatives. Kids have a nose for truth. Better to model honest reflection than deceitful denial, etc.

My two cents.