He would have been three

Ben would have been three today. I wonder what he would have looked like.  Who would he have been more like? Adam or Kate. Maybe a mixture of both. Or maybe totally different. I am so sad that I will never know. 

 In honour of today, I would like to share with you the chapter from my book about the day Ben was born.

(Thank you to all of you who remembered, and to those who sent the emails and text messages.  Thanks for remembering him)

Welcome to the world, little Ben!

I wake up with a start from a hard, painful cramp. It's Sunday morning, 4 January 2004, and the cramp is so sharp, so vicious, I literally jump out of bed, hunched over, clutching my tummy. Ouch! I wonder what it is – these days I am full of aches and pains, my bladder particularly. So this pain could be courtesy of my bladder. I'm a little concerned about the pain, but I'm half asleep.

I get up to pee. Out of habit, I look down at my panties and notice more of the same brown mucousy stuff that has been there for the past day or so. I hate seeing it there. When it first appeared, I showed the nurse on duty, but she said it could be many things. It could even be Luke's sac breaking down. It worries me.

But the discharge, combined with the distinctly uncomfortable, crampy feeling, is worrying. I ask for the CTG machine, which monitors contractions, to be placed on my belly. Even though they don’t seem to mind, I hate asking – it makes me feel like a paranoid, pain-in-the-ass patient.

Good news. Ben’s heartbeat is fine. There are signs of uterine irritability, but I have those all the time. My uterus is so irritable, anything sets it off. Marko comes to visit, but we hardly talk. He knows by now that if I admit to being worried, things must be bad. We sit there in silence – me anxious and off kilter, Marko helpless. I tell him to go home and he leaves.

I ask the nurses to put the monitoring belt back on and to check again for contractions. The CTG machine shows signs of irregular contractions. I’ve had those before, but I sense these are different. I seem to be the only one who is worried – the nurses seem unconcerned. I hate being a pain but things just do not feel right. I make the nurses call Dr L, who is looking after me while Dr H is on holiday.

Dr L instructs the nurses to give me a muscle relaxant to try and calm my uterus. It doesn't work. I now sense something horribly wrong. I make the nurses call the doctor back. The belt goes back on. The contractions are still there. Dr L arrives and checks my cervix. I am five centimetres dilated. Ben is coming today, and soon. Now.

It is too early! I am not yet 26 weeks! But there's no stopping labour. Ben is arriving, ready or not.

A strange calm descends on me as everyone else jumps into action. I am in slow motion as the world around me goes into overdrive. I call Marko and tell him to come back right away. He does the 30-minute trip in 12 minutes. I don’t think the car has ever been the same again. I call my mother and ask her to come to the hospital. I need her here. I won't be able to do this unless I know she is here.

I am scared, yet not too scared. I think I am a little numb, in denial. I lie there rubbing my stomach, whispering to Ben. I look up and see that Dr H has arrived. I am overjoyed to see him. He is wearing shorts and a T-shirt. He has interrupted his holiday. I don’t know who called him, but I am so glad they did. He takes my hand and squeezes it hard. I hold his hand for a while, looking into his eyes. No words are said, but I can feel his strength and concern for me.

My mother arrives as the nurses are prepping me for surgery. Everything seems surreal – I feel as if I am in a play, or a dream. They have found an anaesthetist and a paediatrician. Everyone is ready.

An epidural is administered, then I lie down with Marko in his green scrubs by my head. This is it. My baby is about to be born. Instead of excitement, there is fear in the air. This is not how it should be.

Then I hear the sound that makes me cry every time I think about it – the tiniest mewling, a barely audible whimper. I hear, for the first time, the sound of my son's voice.

As they lift him to cut the cord, I catch a glimpse of him – he is so very, so painfully tiny. The sight of Ben's small body makes me cry. Marko, too, starts sobbing. I’ve never seen him cry before and it breaks my heart. It makes me cry even more. We cling to each other, Marko and I, sobbing into each other's arms. Oh God, it isn’t supposed to be like this. My poor little baby boy – he is so tiny. So very, very tiny.

He is whisked away immediately by the paediatrician, who starts working on him frantically – pumping, wiping, checking. I can’t see what is going on. They take him away with pipes and tubes all over his body and rush him up to the neonatal intensive care unit.

Little Ben Albertyn was born at 17:00 on 4 January 2004, weighing 920 grams (two pounds) – less even than two tubs of margarine or a packet of sugar. Tiny, fragile. Perfect and absolutely beautiful in every way.

Comments

[Boulder]

As long as I live, I'll never forget hearing that Ben had come so early. My prayers were for you and your family then, as they are today, my friend.

xoxo

[Roz]

I'm sure he would have still been a beautiful child. Look how his little brother and sister turned out... It's hard to think of the right words, not knowing you personally and having no idea how to pray, but I'm thinking of you and your family today.

[Meri-ann]

My heart is aching. I, too, lost my babies too early- it wasn't time. And reading that has made me relive what I went through last March.

And I hope and pray that some day I can be where you are today.

[Meri-ann]

(oops, hadn't finished!)

Sending you and Marko loving thoughts & strength on this hardest of days. x

[Emily]

Dearest Tertia, I am so sorry that you won't get to see what he looks like and all the other things you will never get to experience because of the loss of Ben.

I totally get that Adam and Kate, beautiful as they are, can't make up that loss to you. Each child is so precious that the the loss is irreplaceable.

My heart hurts for you

[Judy]

Thinking of you today. I hope you have a little peace today.

[blackbird]

I will hold you in my heart today, Tertia dear...

[Beth]

Happy Birthday, darling Ben. Hope you are getting everything you want in Heaven. We will never forget you here on earth.

Love, Beth

Tertia, you're my hero. I know that little Ben is looking down on his dear mommy with love.

[Feebee]

Happy birthday Ben. Thinking of you today Tertia.

[Woody's Girl]

As I celebrated Samantha's 3rd birthday just two days ago, I recalled that your very painful journey was about to begin. When I got home from the hospital those 3 years ago, I learned that Ben had been born, and my heart sank to my knees. Oh, how he struggled for those 10 days! Your precious boy...

You are in my thoughts today, Tertia. I hope you can find some comfort in Adam and Kate's warm embrace.

Love,
Jennifer

[jenny]

The first time I came to your site I read Ben's story and cried so many tears for your loss. The picture of you holding him is so beautiful.
Happy Birthday dear Ben, I am so sorry your not here to celebrate with your little brother and sister.

[Lynnette]

I'm thinking of you and your family, today, too, Tertia. Sweet dreams, Ben.

[3littlepigs]

Wishing Ben a Happy Birthday! Wishing you a day of peace and comfort. I can not imagine what you have gone through.

[Julie]

To make me teary-eyed, all you ever have to do is mention Ben's name. To make me blubber, post something like this.

Ben, we love you and miss the boy you were meant to become.

[merseydotes]

Sending lots of good thoughts your way, Tertia.

[Suzie-Q.]

I cannot post anything meaningful because I am crying now for your loss. Happy Birthday to Ben. Hugs to you and Marko. xoxo
Suz

[Em]

I'll be thinking of your family today and keeping you in my prayers.

[Melina]

I'm so sorry. I wish I could send you comfort.

[stephanie]

Take care of yourself today, and know that all of our thoughts are with you.

[Karly]

Oh, Tertia...I'll be thinking of you and your family today.

[Binkytown]

Tertia, I can only imagine how difficult this time must be for you, sending lots of love to you and your family.

[Chickenpig]

What a bitter sweet memory this is. I'm sorry for your loss, of Ben, but also of Luke. As mother of twins, I can't imagine what it would be like to have lost either one of them. You are an incredibly strong person to be able to look back on Ben's birth and his ten days of life in such a positive way. You are in my thoughts today, as are Ben and Luke.

[Spacemom]

Happy Birthday for your little guy. For even though his life was short, he was and is loved, and shall never be forgotten...

[Catherine]

No, it isn't supposed to be like this. I wish you peace on this day as you remember your sweet Ben.

[Ana]

Happy Birthday sweet Ben. Hugs to your mommy and daddy...

[Joan]

Tertia, I am a long time reader but today I feel compelled to comment. Today must be filled with such emotion for you. My thoughts are with you. There is not doubt that he would have been wonderful and absolutely beautiful if he where hear on earth with you today.

Happy Birthday Sweet Ben!

[Rhonda]

Thinking of you, Tertia.

[Deon Pretorius]

Tertia, my heart bleeds for you and your family.
May we all celebrate this as a day of remembrance for little Ben.
I wish that there was something I could do to make things better, but it is in God's hands now, not mine.

Thanks to your writing and blog you have made many of us aware of your personal pain and what may await some of us. It has also introduced us to Ben and made sure he will be remembered...

[Billie]

Tertia,
You are in my thoughts. I can't begin to imagine the impact that losing your sweet baby Ben has had on your life. I know he is loved and missed immensely.

I will hug my little preemies a little harder today, and be reminded of how truly lucky we are.
Much love,
Billie

[Nicola Theron]

I am so saddened by your loss as I almost went through the same thing. At 24 weeks my little Ben wanted to come out, thankfully after being put on bedrest and terbutaline, we managed to keep him in till 38 weeks. He is a healthy 3yr old today. I am going to give him an extra big hug today.

[sheilah]

Oh, man, why did I have to read this entry at work?

Like Julie, everytime you mention Ben I whimper a bit (sweet little beautiful boy). Posts like this leave me sobbing.

Happy birthday dear little Ben. And strength to your mommy and daddy.

[silene]

Another long-time reader emerging to tell you that I am thinking of you and of your sweet Ben. His memory will live with all of us who know of him and his wonderful family.

[Hoping]

I remember Ben today.

When is your book going to be out in the States?

[Wenchy]

Thanks to Bee, I remember this day, three years back very well.

Thinking of you.

[Mel]

Just cried my way through this entry. I'm so sorry, Tertia and Marko (and Adam and Kate--for the brother you never got to know) for your loss.

[liv]

thinking of you and your family today.

[Haley]

Happy Birthday, little Ben. Thinking of you and your family today...

[abogada]

Happy birthday, sweet Ben. And thoughts and prayers for your mom and dad.

[DebbieS]

Happy birthday, beautiful boy. Your mommy makes us all proud.

[Kreints]

The way that you worded that is so heartbreakingly beautiful.

[angel]

happy birthday baby ben- you are dearly loved and oft thought of! you and yours are in my prayers tertia.

[Amber]

I remember the day I heard...and just like then the tears fall easily. I wish what I read was fiction. It hurts to know it is your real & true story.

[Orange]

What a terrible and beautiful and scary day that must have been for you and Marko. I'm so sorry that you lost your Ben, and so grateful that you were able to bring Kate and Adam home, healthy and strong.

[Brandy]

I can't even begin to imagine the thoughts and feelings that you went through during that time (nor woudl I want to try). Thank you for sharing such an intimate moment with the world.

[Andrea]

The story of the day Ben was born is told with so much love. Thank you for sharing it.

[Joy]

Happy Birthday beautiful boy. Words simply cannot express how much you are missed here on this Earth.

[Robin from TLOL]

Holding all of you very close in my heart, today and every day. Ben will live on in our memories. How I wish he were living not there but in your arms.

[Elizabeth]

Happy Birthday, Ben.

[Jeanne]

Sending love to you, Marko, Kate and Adam today.

Happy Birthday Ben. May you be reunited with your family again one day.

[jill]

Thank you for writing about Ben and the loss and sharing it with us and the world. I know how hard it is to let the pain out. And to relive it every year. Sending as much love and comfort as I can.

[andrea]

Happy Birthday Ben.

[Michelle]

Happy Birthday precious boy!

Thoughts and prayers of strength and support for you and Marko today, Tertia.

[Aurelia]

I am so sorry Tertia. I'll pray for Ben and your family tonight.

[Flicka]

XO, my dear.

[Brooklyn Girl]

Happy birthday Ben. You're in my thoughts.

[kris]

Happy Birthday Ben. Love to you and your family.

[Ally]

Happy Birthday sweet Ben. We miss you.

[nadia]

you are an amazing woman, Tertia.
i have no words...just the world's respect.

[Peggy]

Happy Birthday Ben.

((((Tertia and Marko))))) hugs to you both

[unc]

( apologies writing this from my phone so punctuation may not be great )

some people go through life without ever making a difference, or touching someone's life. but Ben was a giant in that respect. he was so tiny but yet his memory still lives on as a reminder to us of how precious life is, and how hard he fought for it. he only had the shortest of lives yet he still today touches people's lives. Today is a day to be proud that know the story of that little giant!

[Mandy]

When I think of the hearts your little boy has touched, I can't help but imagine how many more would have been touched to know him if he'd been here to celebrate this birthday.

Times like this I wish the world were a smaller place so you could see the hands reaching out to you in comfort.

We're not going to forget Ben. Ever.

[SheilaC]

Happy Birthday Ben. It's a privilege to read about your son who was and is so deeply loved, and who will always be remembered.
Thank you for sharing his story with the world.

[winemaker]

I started reading this blog three days ago. Life changing! Thank you for being so strong, and sharing with us your life and family. As a mother struggling with secondary infertility your blog has made me feel more content with my situation, more grateful and more focused. Good luck.

Winemaker

[V]

Thinking of you. Lotsa hugs.

[Melany aka Supermom]

I've read and re-read your book and I cry every time I read about Ben's birth. Happy birthday Ben

[Sara]

I'm so sorry that he's not here to celebrate with you. Happy Birthday sweet Ben.

[Bridgette]

Happy Birthday sweet baby. I can't believe its been 3 years already. You were a perfect, beautiful, strong little man. We all love you and miss you.

['wishIknew']

Beautifully written chapter.
I'm so sorry it didn't have a different ending.
Thinking of you all.
'wishIknew'

[millie]

Thanks so much for sharing this chapter.

Thinking of you lots and lots. Happy Birthday, Ben. You are loved and missed.

[L.]

Oh.....

Hugs.

[Jody]

I'm sorry Ben's not there with you.

Happy Birthday.

[`sheena]

I am in tears. I remember. Oh how i remember.

I hope his day was special. it seems to get harder every year, doesnt it?

with love

xx