The ugly cloak of anonymity

 What is it about anonymity that brings out the worst in people? I don’t get it. 

 I know that I am perhaps too honest sometimes, too public, too open and so I am probably not the best person to understand this, but I really do not get why people think they can be rude / hateful / spiteful / nasty / mean / just plain ugly if they think they can get away with it.  What I want to know is, don’t they feel just a little bit bad? Do they have a conscience? When they go to sleep at night, do they feel at least a smattering of guilt for what they have done to others? How does being anonymous change who you really are? If you believe so strongly in your opinion / belief, then say it openly. Stand up and have the strength of your convictions. Be proud of who you are and what you have to say. The fact that you are hiding behind anonymity makes me think that either you are a coward, or deep down, you doubt what you have to say.

 There is an online support forum that I sometimes read. An infertility support forum. I don’t participate too often for obvious reasons, but I read, just in case there is someone I can reach out to and help / offer encouragement etc. This forum is set up in a way that allows people to post anonymously, with pretty much a guarantee that their identity will not be known. And people use this in the most spiteful of ways. They post their regular posts under their ‘known name or pseudonym and when they get pissed at someone or something, they post anonymously. They attack other people, say horrible things, be really mean… all because they can get away with it. 

 I honesty don’t get it. I find it extremely cowardly and deceitful. It smacks of bullying. Of meanness. And it brings out the worst kind of pack mentality among others.  It is so ugly. I would hate to ever be that ugly.

 Of course there are many occasions when being anonymous is absolutely acceptable and even preferable. There are times when knowing one’s real identity could be dangerous / embarrassing etc. Although I am very open and public, I do understand that many others choose not to be so open. That’s fine. My issue is with the people who spew hatred and ugliness towards others only because they can get away with it. My feeling is that if you feel that strongly about something, stand up and say it openly. Be proud of what you believe in. The hate comments, the slander and hate sites, the vicious attacks, belittling other people …… is that how you think it should be done?

 I wonder…. do these people have a conscience? Do you think they feel even slightly guilty about the distress they cause others? I can’t believe that they don’t. I know I am naïve, but I just find it impossible to believe that anyone could be so hateful to others and not feel at least a bit bad. But ok, I know I am Pollyanna sometimes.

 But then, if they don’t feel bad, let me ask this question: if it was done to them, would they feel hurt or upset? And if they still feel their behaviour is justifiable, let me ask another question: if someone had to do what you did to your daughter or son, how would you feel about it then?

 I was disappointed to see how on the forum I mentioned, a group of regular posters hid behind anonymity to attack a fellow regular poster. How the pack mentality came out when they realized they could get away with it. That’s not on. Really not on. This ugly veiled cloak of anonymity has facilitated a free-for-all vicious attack from people who don’t have the guts to stand and openly say what they really think. What a pity. And to think that it is supposed to be a support forum.  

 Are you proud of yourself for making that woman feel shit about herself? Are you? Was it necessary to attack her in such a personal way?  Even if you believe she is an asshole / wrong / whatever, do you really think you did the right thing? I don’t know. I don’t think being anonymous excuses you from basic human decency. I think you should be ashamed of yourself actually. I think you acted like a bunch of bullies who found a victim you could all kick while she was down.  

 I see it all the time. Find a victim, someone who either rubs you up the wrong way, or does something that doesn’t fit into your definition of acceptable.  Maybe even someone who you are a little jealous of, although you would never admit it, and publicly rip her to shreds while hiding behind your anonymity. Then sit back and watch while your fellow mean spirited cowards join in the feeding frenzy.  Like a pack of hyenas picking at the bones of the befallen pray, cackling your evil laugh and congratulating yourself at yet another conquest.  A hollow victory meant to inflate your sense of self worth.  Sad.

 I find it very hard to understand.  But mostly, I find it really sad that people like that exist out there.

Comments

[MsShad]

This happened to me on a different site - I had cautioned the group about counting on medical insurance. I had great insurance until after the 8th MRI, trying to find out what was wrong with me. Then they dropped me like a hot potato. I used up savings to pay medical bills, couldn't work anymore, and was lamenting the fact that I had expected to spend the next 20 years working to secure my "old age". I'd spend the last 20 raising my son mostly as a single mother.

For some reason, one woman laid into me for being too stupid to plan ahead for such a thing. She was smart and had disability insurance, savings up the butt, IRA, stocks, etc. And it was people like her who made it easy for people like me to be on Easy Street cause I was on Disability.

All I had been saying was you can't always count on the system (insurance in this case) to do what they're supposed to do.

Next thing I knew, half of the women in there ganged up on me, and spouted off more of the same that the first woman had, and the other half didn't say a word, altho some of them emailed me privately, feeling bad for me.

I lost respect for the first group of women for their pack mentality and also for the second group of women for not having to courage to speak up "on my side" rather than email me privately.

I rarely comment for that reason, and have not involved myself in an online community since.

That anonyomous shit sucks the big one. No respect. Women who attack each other because of breast/not breast feeding, car seats, clothe/paper diapers, immunizations. I've seen new mothers come in for help on something and get reamed a new one instead.

The Internet showed me the ugly side of people, and frankly, I'm becoming a hermit because of it.

[Suzie-Q.]

MsShad, I am with you. I have seen the worst of the worst and also been on the receiving end. I don't post much on my old board, IVFconnections... there! i said it! I only really post with the same very small group of women who had their children in the same month as mine. We are about down to 6 people now. I have moved *by invitation* to another board that was started by women from this community who couldn't take the hatred and B.S. anymore. Also, we can curse all we like over there and get to be the true potty-mouths that we were born to be!

T., you have seen my rant against one of your trolls recently... i agree with you that everyone should have the courage of their convictions, or, be silent, but, never be anonymous just to be able to get away with hurting someone else. That just sux.