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What an amazing post. So glad you could get your thoughts and feeling out. I feel the same on some days as well. I'm sure you're not alone in this place we call earth :)

It's really very normal to feel worse before you feel better when starting therapy, from what I understand.

Feeling depressed isn't pathetic. Depression is an actual disease (I know you know this) and it can and will come back for no apparent reason. My dad suffered from depression, and it could be so hard to watch because, unlike you, he wouldn't get the help he needed to get through the bouts. Please hear me: unlike you, he didn't do what he needed to do to face it and get the help he needed.

You ARE competent. If you weren't, you wouldn't be getting thereapy, and counselling, and considering temporarily returning to the medications you need to feel better. Be proud of yourself.

And thank you for sharing. This is an issue I think most people don't truly understand, and you've described how so very hard it can be to go through.

Thank you for putting into words what you feel and what I feel too. It is so good that you are not hiding under a rock but are being "out and proud".

FWIW, I reckon that once you are in a good place in your life, THEN your body or mind decides to deal with all the shit that it has put on the backburner while you deal with day to day life.

You sound a bit depressed. Which is perfectly normal to be now and then. Don't make such a fuzz about it. Yo'll be find and you get and opportunity to rerogramme yourself a bit into a more healthy state for you.

To me it sound like you need a lot of affirmation - you are afraid it's not enough just to be you. Hope yoy will learn this. That you are good in yourself and have worth in yourself. Motherhood seem like a new arena for you in which you have to prove yourself. (which is more about you than your children I reckon).

But you seem to have a wonderful energylevel. My advise is to take it more out at work (good for money)and relax more at home. (Good for husband and kids which will love you anyway)

Life is overwhelming sometimes, and that is when making "easy" decisions are the hardest. AD's are not about not being fine or fixed, they're about brain chemistry. Something that you can't control. Let the AD's do the chemistry part, and perhaps with a bit more talk therapy you can see if the decision making struggles and worrying are because of something else besides the chemsitry. If they aren't you'll know soon enough, and if they aren't you'll feel better soon enough with the change from ADs.

You're doing something, and that is the important part. Take care of you first, and the rest will start to fall in to place.


Give yourself a break, woman. You've had depressive episodes before. You probably will have them again and again throughout your life. That's what happens when you have depression...it waxes and wanes. With me, when I'm extremely stressed and overwhelmed I cope just fine, because I'm too busy to break down. But when things relax, I tend to let my anxiety levels rise and I start feeling very sad and depressed. I take antidepressants to stop that cycle because the anxiety is a killer. It's terrible for your health as well as your mental health. And it's not psychosomatic, it's a real health issue. So treat it with meds, and then let yourself have time to recover.

Leaving the kids with Rose is really fine. She loves them, they love her, they're busy and engaged. They're FINE. Right now you need to work. It may not be forever, but know that your children are happy and well cared for in a nice home with a loving caretaker. It's really OK. You miss them, but you're not neglectant nor are you doing anything untoward. You're a concerned mother. You miss them, which is natural. But could you stand staying home day in and day out with them? 24/7. Cleaning and cooking and caring for them all day? And do you really want to do that?

I worked when my kids were little. They had a livein nanny for 2 years and then went to daycare when they were ready for socializing. Yes, I felt guilty occasionally. I worried all the time. But they were OK. Children are very adaptable beings and as long as they feel safe and loved, they're going to be just fine.

Work with your shrink and try some meds. Me, I'm big on effexor, but I know people hate it because it's hard to get off of. But I love it. It's changed my whole persona!

You know where to find me very early in the morning, if you want to chat.

Same thing going on over here. Perfect life - lovely house, great husband, best 9 month old baby boy in the world, good part-time job, etc, etc. And I feel like shit.

You know why? Because I have depression. It is an illness I can't control. Doesn't matter how good life is, it still jumps up and bites you on the arse whenever it feels like it. I'll reorganise my meds and move on.

FWIW, it sounds to me like there's a bit of an anxiety issue going on there (worrying all the time and not being able to turn your brain off) as well as depression. A lot of SSRI medication works on both anxiety and depression, so see if one of those helps you (I'm on Zoloft and it decreases both anxiety and depression in me, but it can cause an increase in anxiety in others, so you might have to search around for a bit.)

Much love. Take care of yourself.

I go insane and get very, very low taking care of my kids at-home 24/7. Believe me, if I could afford a little nanny help I'd do it. Please try not to feel guilty about your nanny. I can't tell you how to feel, of course ... You are brave and amazing for sharing your depression on your blog. I admire you for that and am inspired to share stories of my own so. More mothers should talk about it b/c we all go through it. My friend just gave birth on Wednesday and she called me today to say, "Shouldn't I be happy? Why am I miserable and crying once an hour?" We all go through it. We should share more like you did so we can better comfort each other. Brighter days ahead ...

Just some random ideas - not based on anything solid. Maybe you have some post traumatic stress thing going on after all that happened with the infertility stuff. The other thing which you probably dont want to hear - is why don't you try cutting out the alcohol for a couple of months to see if that makes a difference. Just that alcohol attacks the nervous system and can probably contribute to anxieties, depression etc. It has this affect in some people. It could be that in giving you some feelings of coping with everything it is also actually contributing to the problems in the first place so could be a catch 22. I really notice how negative my thinking can get if I drink too much alcohol - as in not in an alcoholic kind of way but just a glass or two for days in a row. That's my contributions or assvice.

Hey T,

You're honest and strong to write your true feelings. I agree with what the other comments have said, but I also wanted to add the tiny little thought that maybe you are actually too over-taxed with responsibilities. I'm not sure we humans are meant to cope with so many things (work, family, book, blog, volunteer preemie mom thing, etc etc....) In addition to therapy and maybe ADs, it might be time to take a serious, hard, long look with a therapist's help about ways you can cut back and say "no" and reclaim yourself again. You might actually need to say "no" to volunteering for awhile, or to (gasp!!!) blogging. As sad as I'd be, if you decided to blog only once a week instead of daily in order to cut down on your anxiety, I'd applaud your decision.

Just a thought. Good luck,T.

My personal opinion (speaking from experience and only an opinion) is that you may be going through a delayed depression after losing your children. I am going through a similar period at the moment. They say that 6 months after you have experienced a loss you can hit a low for all sorts of reasons. You went straight from each loss into trying to get pregnant again so it took your mind off things as you had other things to deal with. When Kate and Adam arrived you had to deal with motherhood and all the challenges that entails. It is hard enough being a mother without all that you have had to deal with. I have also gone through the guilt and worry at various stages. It is normal to feel this to some degree but if it overwhelms you and you have problems coping then there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting some help to cope with it. It does not mean that you are a failure as a mother or as a wife. You are a very strong woman but only human. I think you are very brave to share these feeling with everyone.

Ok, that is enough assvice from me. How about some coffee next week?

Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry you feel like shit.

You're not stupid or pathetic for feeling this way. You're not. Lots of people feel panicky sometimes. ::raises hand::

It sounds to me, in my very ignorant opinion, that you might need something for the panicky feelings. And that's OK. Lots of people do. I feel the same way when I'm a few days before my period, especially if I'm tired and have had too much caffeine. When I realise that I feel that way partly for purely physical reasons, it helps a little. (not enough, but hey.)

Take care.

It sounds to me like you are suffering from a run of the mill bout of anxiety/depression. There is no "why" to it, your brain chemistry is not like a broken leg, doctor's don't really understand the humand brain that well.

I suffered through a serious bout of anxiety like this after I had my twins. I worried that I wasn't feeding them enough, I worried that I wasn't eating enough, worried, anxious, and not myself all the time. It got to the point where I couldn't make simple decisions. My husband would ask me something simple like...I don't know, what sleeper to put a baby in, and I would break down in tears saying "I don't know, can't you make any decisions yourself". I ended up going on medication, which kind of made me feel like a Zombi for a while, but ended the anxiety at least.

Going through IVF, tons of progesterone, and having twins..along with breastfeeding and weaning if you do that too...really fucks with your brain chemistry, and not just for the months post partum either. It takes years for your brain to get the equilibrium right, and some people's never return to complete "normal". Please give yourself a well deserved break. Talk to your therapist and see if you can get a prescription for some ati depressant/ anxiety medication until you feel closer to your "normal" state. Sometimes going on certain birth control pills helps too, because the progesterone balance is what is driving the problem. The meds will make you feel much better, I promise you, even if you're in a bit of a zombi state for a while.

Perhaps now is because you've not got all those distractions going on to keep your mind too busy to be able to have these thoughts. Perhaps you've been pushing them aside due to life's business.

oh dear. Well, the little I can offer is that every single one of us does not need a response email. Given that I just got one from you in my inbox while I slept, I feel guilty that you stress over that because I think 99% of us would understand if you never replied to another email in your life. I, on behalf of that 99%, give you permission to not respond to emails.

Just as a little pick-me-up, I will tell you sincerely: I have never liked you one bit.


Could it be a classic case of biochemical depression?

My life is a lot like yours: perfect. I have two healthy kids, a great marriage, a beautiful house, health, lots of friends, great family, career satisfaction. But I lay awake at night worrying about global warming and what kind of world my daughter and son will inherit. And last year I got so depressed, over absolutely nothing, that I checked myself into the hospital for a week. As soon as they switched my meds from Zoloft to Prozac with a little bit of a drug called Zyprexa (my depression was so severe that it had taken on "psychotic features"), I walked out of the hospital feeling absolutely fine. I haven't needed therapy at all, and I've felt great ever since. I tried to wean off the meds and started getting panic attacks, so my highly competent South African psychiatrist :-) put me back on them. I've accepted that I've inherited my family's depression gene (as has one of my sisters, several cousins and aunts, and an uncle), and that my serotonin imbalance is not my fault.

Maybe your situation is totally different, but it sounds a lot like mine so I just thought I'd share.

Just chiming in to agree with Rosemary--your body/mind will freak out when it knows it's safe to do so. I have not had problems with depression but I get sick, like clockwork, a few weeks after any major life event. I've learned to expect it! You should have seen me, pouring snot, coughing my head off, with no voice last November after defending my doctoral dissertation in October. I'm sure I looked oh-so-competent. :-P

You have Kate & Adam; you've written your book; you are successful at work: maybe your brain feels it is now in a safe place and time to process a lot of stuff you had to squash before so you could "keep on keepin' on." Hopefully with your therapist you can work through that stuff and start feeling more content.

I don't think you are pathetic; I think you're awesome, and all the more so for acknowledging that you are struggling.

Just because things are going well in your life, doesn't mean you won't catch a cold. Or get depression. You are handling it, you're getting help. You're on top of it. I felt this way a million times before, and I can tell you, it will get better. Cut back on some of your non-essential commitments, think of yourself as having the flu. You need rest, and help. Possibly medication. You are doing all the right things.

You'll be fine, chook. Honestly.


I could have written your post, except that I didn't - it was my horrid, destructive secret. I couldn't or wouldn't ask for help because I didn't want anyone knowing that I wasn't coping. Because I was ashamed, embarassed, was still trying to live up to some idealistic image of perfection.

It took me two years before I realised that I didn't have to live with this weird dichotomy where I was sustaining a facade of coping on the outside and a collapsing, whirling vortex on the inside. Two years in which I damaged so many of the things that I held dear and at the end of that time I realised that the only thing I had to feel embarrassed about was the fact that I could dispense lots of advice to others (hey, I'm a consultant, that's what we do!) but I couldn't ask for advice or help for myself.

One of the things I have realised is that there is not necessarily a reason for 'why now' but I suspect that it is when we can finally surface from just living through the big issues, when we are not so frantically trying to save ourselves from drowning, we relax slightly and the self-preservation barriers come crashing down leaving lots of things that we've buried but we now need to deal with. I also realised that the talk therapy made me feel worse, much worse, for a while because I was being forced to open up and explore some of those issues that I had closed and sealed really tightly but slowly it did lighten the load.

You are so brave for admitting whatis happening and for seeking help - hope it starts to yield some results soon and you start to feel better.


Oh Tertia!
I'm so glad you are getting help.
I hate to hear you feeling like this...

Good for you for being so honest about your feelings - to yourself, to your therapist, and to us. I'm sorry you're feeling that way (and sorry you feel a need to say "sorry" about it) and I hope you're on the fast track to feeling better soon.

I don't have anything unique to add.
Except that .... you are definitely NOT pathetic or old or ugly or small, instead you are a smart, self-aware, extremely busy woman who has been to hell and back and who is most likely burdened with very high expectations of yourself. And like previous people have said, it is when the bad times are over - that is usually when everything catches up with you.

I have taken ADs several times myself and I really do relate to the sense of 'patheticness' you refer to. In my case, I felt ashamed and kept apologising to the doctor for wasting his time with my trivial woes. But depression and anxiety are real, serious and treatable illnesses that need to be openly acknowledged and discussed. Thank you for the openness and honesty.

Hope you get all the support and help possible - you deserve it.

I haven't had time to read all the comments, so forgive me if I repeat something already written.

Could this be mourning? I know you had all of your pregnancies so close together - I always wondered how you managed the emotional bit. For me, I was forced to deal with my grief when I was sidelined from trying to conceive with surgery and recovery. That imposed time-out led to a pretty big meltdown. I thought I had dealt with things, but in reality, I'd only swept my feelings under the rug, hoping they'd resolve on there own.

I don't have to tell you how weird that grief crap is. It creeps up at the strangest times. Could it be that now the waters are calm, your psyche is trying to put those issues back in front of you so you can process them and move through them?

Whatever the case, you're the furthest from pathetic of anyone I know. And the help of a good counselor can't be overestimated.


you said it yourself, after all you've been through.

and for what it's worth, I don't think anyone comes out the other side of IF completely intact, your beautiful babes don't magically wash away the years of pain. As wonderful as they are, they are your present not your past. I'm glad your seeing someone and working your way through all of the hurt and troubles, and I do hope sad passes without too much heartache.

Oh Tertia. This post brought tears to my eyes. You have been through so much, its not possible to come out without a few scars. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing what needs to be done to get through this.

I am a worrier too. I worry about everything. I am trying so hard not to worry, because worry leads to other bad things, which just causes me to worry more. Its a vicious cycle I am trying to break. It gets me nowhere. Me worrying about what may happen won't cause it not to happen, so why do I spend so much energy on it?

Please be gentle with yourself. You push yourself so hard, its no wonder you feel overwhelmed. You don't have to be perfect all the time. You will still be g & d even if you have a few flaws. Your friends will still love you even if you don't return their email. Your readers will still come here to read everything you write even when you are sad.

Love you T.

Oh Tertia, please be gentle with yourself. I agree with everyone up above who has said that you may be still mourning the loss of your babies and dealing with all those leftover feelings.
And you know, you will still be a good mother even if you screw up once in awhile, really. It's taken me ten years, multiple pregnancies and multiple losses to figure that out! And my two living kids have suffered my mood swings up and down along the way. And guess what? They aren't broken; they're not even a little scuffed around the edges.
I've tried Wellbutrin and found it the best of the ADs, because I could still have a sex life. Unfortunately, it didn't work forever. You need the therapy part, too. I've tried every kind of therapist and shrink, most were okay, but not fabulous.
I'm trying a new type of therapy now, called EMDR. And so far, it's really amazing. I seem to be doing better and better. I saying all this, because I want you to know, there really is a light at the end of tunnel, I swear. And it's not a train coming for you, I promise. ;)

Tertia, I'm so sorry that you are having a rough time. I don't know if this helps but your worries remind me of a friend who worries and worries about the littlest things. He eventually found out he has an anxiety disorder. The meds help him not worry as much. Hopefully your counselor will be able to help you through this. I just noticed the previous post mentioned EMDR and I have to say that it works really well, from my studies on the technique. It depends on the individual but it's worth a try. Best of luck to you.

I feel the same way. An awesome post. Don't think for a second you are pathetic! Your not and neither am I.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way and hope you feel better soon.

Tertia, you rock and I think you are fab. I'm sorry to hear things are so difficult for you. I am glad you are getting some help.

When I worked full time and had two kids in diapers, I was totally overloaded. Looking back, I can see I had way too much on my plate, but I just kept on doing what I was doing. Now that I am not working much and my kids are older, life is much easier and calmer. So don't underestimate the effect of having so much to do. When I look back on it, I wish I had changed my life and downgraded my responsibilities. It seems ridiculous to me now that I was doing so much. What was I thinking? Women do WAY too much and it exhausts us physically and mentally.

Be kind to yourself. Best of luck with everything.

Depression is not your fault. There is a cause and effect answer too. Just like with a broken arm, you didn't chose this. Your brain has an imbalance. Like you'll put a cast on a broken arm, you have to take meds to fix the imbalance. See, not pathetic. There is an answer for it.

You've been operating in crisis mode for so many years, when it settles down, it feels uncomfortable because you're not used to it.

Meds are good. I seem to go on them every two years for about 6 months. Kinda seems like the seretonin gets depleted, and I have to refill it. Sunlight helps too.

I understand what you're feeling. Just went back on my AD's last week and not a minute too soon. There is no shame in needing a chemical imbalance corrected and that's what it is for me... partially. It helps me cope. Doesn't make me happy but allows me the opportunity to be happy. Helps the spinning stop. Helps quiet the soul. So, don't be ashamed of getting help in whatever form you need it, and don't be ashamed of having these feelings either. It just catches up with you some times, and you have plenty to catch up with you. Hugs to you, you g&d girl. Don't you forget that you truly are gorgeous and divine!

I used to call it the continuous tape loop in my mind...it is awful. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Everyone else has said so many good things...I will second that I think you are reacting to the loss of Ben...who wouldn't be terrified of something happening to people she loves, when something horrible already has?

FWIW, SSRI's helped stop my worry/worthless tape loop. I only needed them for a while. I hope there is an easy answer like that for you.

I am proud of you for admitting this, for talking about it, and for doing something about it. you are far from pathetic; you are quite amazing, and G&D too.

I've only skimmed your blog, but I read this post closely. I had post partum depression and this is exactly how I felt. Get some Zoloft, get more therapy and you'll be right as rain in no time. Good luck.

Sorry if this is a repeat of a bunch of other comments:
I would guess you are falling apart right now because of all of the good things you mentioned (husband, kids, book, job)--you have finally achieved all of these really meaningful goals, goals which incurred a great deal of pain and loss, and now that it is 'safe' you can really feel all of the sadness/terror/anger that had to be repressed so you could function. The psyche isn't logical--it's goal is to keep you in the swim of things (i.e. sometimes you twist your knee and it is too much to bear, so your psyche puts it on hold and reactivates it when there is more bandwitdth). Keep up with the therapist, take the AD's and hold on.


I agree with everyone who's saying that you're having trouble now because you're still processing all the pain you went through in the past few years. Now that it's safer to do so.

I've fairly recently realized that I'm still suffereing from depression, I was on AD for a while 5 years ago and pretty much thought I was fixed, because my life is going so well now, but I'm still feeling so overwhelmed and freaking out about EVERYTHING (like yesterday, I freaked out because the grocery store didn't have what I went there for and I felt like a bad wife for not being able to get the right thing for dinner).

I am in counselling now, and it's a slow process, and I'm also reading a book that I cannot recommend enough, it's called "Feeling Good" by Dr David Burns (a real MD psychiatrist, not a Dr Phil-type celebrity doctor). The book is very straightforward and practical, it explains where depression can come from, and why people feel so crappy even when there's no "real reason". I think it would appeal to you because you are practical and don't go for the touchy-feelyness, it's got a lot of helpful information that can help you feel better right away while still working on the deeper underlying pain. At least, that's how it's helping me.

I have a degree in neuroscience, and I work in medical research, I've done a fair bit of reading on modern approaches to mental health, and the approach that makes the most sense to me is called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which is what this book uses. It's much more practical and real-life oriented that old fashioned lying on a couch talking about your oedipus complex while a shrink nods and says "Hmmmm".

Hope this helps.

Good luck gorgeous.

I'm so sorry you are going though this. I had two thoughts as I read this, and I hope it does not qualify as assvice. I am only speaking from my own experience and if it helps, good. If not, toss it.

1. When it is safe to sort things through, unresolved issues sometimes come to the surface. While you are running scared, it's not smart for your brain to unpack the stress. When you are in a good place to sort things out, that is when crap often comes up. So maybe you are depressed because you are in a healthier place?

2. I read somewhere that an anxious person can get addicted to stressful thoughts the way people who cut on themselves get addicted to self-mutilation. It hurts and it stresses you out, but it also gives you an adrenaline rush. It has helped to to think of anxious thoughts in this way - that if I allow my mind to dwell on thinking about the bad things that happen, I am actually getting a little high off it. And addicted to it as well.

Hope you are well. Take care.

Everything you said...

me too.

You're SO not alone.

Tertia, I can realte somewhat. I also go through the constant 'ups and downs' in mood. One minute your laughing, the next you're crying, and you don't even know why! I was on AD's until I started the infertility journey again. I see others have reminded you about the whole 'depression being caused by chemical imbalances' thing - I just wanted to add that I think PCOS makes us more prone to this than the average person. Of course, infertility in general causes depression, but I also think that there should be tests done to see if there is a corelation between PCOS and an imbalance of the chemicals that cause depression.
Anyways, hang in there - you are doing the right thing, the only thing you can do - getting help. And whenever you need to talk about what you're feeling and going through, we're all here to listen....

I think it is perfect timing. I think it is because there is time and space in your life for yourself. No battle to be fought no project to be done. Go with the flow you won't lose yourself in it (From one controlfreak to the other)

Tertia, I hope this comes out the right way ... but I am actually very much NOT surprised that you are feeling all of these things right now. However many months ago, I went back through your archives because I wasn't familiar with your whole story (I "found" you I think right before you found out you were pg with Adam and Kate). I was surprised, actually, at how quickly you (were able to) jump back into fertility treatment after the loss of Ben. And then you got pg with the twins, and had to be strong for their sake and focus all your thoughts and emotions and concerns on them. I wondered to myself at the time if you would be able to move forward from that pain (as much as anyone is able to do so), or if you would find yourself dealing with the emotions you didn't have the time to fully work through at the time later on, after Kate and Adam were a little older.

I think that it is very, very normal for a person to find themselves getting pummeled with thoughts, emotions, anxieties, etc. when everything in their life has settled down, when they have gone through as much as you have. That is precisely when it will logically happen. Now, life is more "still" ... there is no more chaos or pain happening to keep you from feeling and thinking about everything anymore. The subconscious mind is one tricky bugger and can hold onto things for a loooong time.

I can't imagine how difficult and frustrating and confusing all of this must feel. But I have to say that your getting help and having someone to talk to about everything as it comes up is the best thing you can do! You are a strong woman, Tertia. Never doubt that. Take one minute at a time, one day at a time, one breath at a time. We'll be here for you, every step of the way.

Well you know, you have gone through a lot in the last few years. I wonder if maybe you just have the time to process some of these really big emotions now?

Also, I don't know if it's relevant but I always get a bit depressed after I finish a big art project. I know that other creative people also experience a bit of an emotional come-down when they've finished books, albums, films or other big creative works. It can leave you feeling a bit lost.

That said, if it's not lifting then I think that seeking help is a wise move and doing so means that you're strong and sensible, not pathetic. You'd go to the doctor if you were feeling a persistent pain in your leg or stomach, wouldn't you? It wouldn't matter if you didn't know the cause, in fact that be even more reason to seek medical advice. Why should mental or emotional pain be any different?

I hope things start to feel better soon.

Silly lady, you can't "fix" the way you feel. You can't "cure" depression and anxiety, you can only maintain the bastards. You have a lot going on in your life, admitting that you need help is a big thing, you should be proud of yourself.

I think a tune-up (doctors visit) is a great idea. And maybe a mind blowing orgasm. Those always help me.

love love.

ok honey, give yourself a big, giant HUGE break, ok? children, healthy wondeful vibrant ones after infertility gives you this weird space to be fucking SAD about all the huge loses you have had to deal with. See the shrink, take the AD's & stay in talk therapy & let those tears flow. I promise, they have an end - but impossible to say when that will come. You have been thru so much - an understatement if there ever was one - and I imagine there are alot of tears to be shed.

Wow, I could've written this post myself. I'm feeling pretty close to te way you are right now, and I can't understand why. My life is wonderful. I'm a SAHM to my beautiful twin boys, I have a great hubby, a nice house, etc...but I've got this overwhelming depression and anger, and I'm gaining weight like crazy, and, I know I'm not being of any help, but I just wanted to say I'm in the same boat, and wondering, why? Why am I missing out on all the happy things in life because of an overwhelming sadness and worry? Then I stop and realize. Clinical depression is a condition. Not something I can control. It's not my fault. It's a chemical imbalance in the brain. Sometimes, we need meds to balance it out and that's perfectly ok.

At least you've gotten the nerve to go to someone about it. I haven't gotten there yet. I keep making excuses..too busy w/the twins, too much of a hassle, no one to watch them, it's not that bad, etc...but it is that bad. Maybe you can motivate me to get off my ass and go. ;)

Meanwhile, hang in there. And please don't feel guilty. The brain is a complicated organ. Sometimes it needs some help and we don't understand the feelings this causes, but it happens. Kiss your 2 little lovies and take it one day at a time and everything will work out fine. I know that to be true, you are a strong person!

I have very similar thoughts and feelings. I was diagnosed with dysthmia. You might want to read about it. Amazingly it tends to be the worst when things are actually okay in my life. When there is excessive stress (like infertility) I cope better. Go figure. Good luck - stuff like this is so hard to conquer and there is no easy solution.

As some others have said, and as I've said before, I think it's precisely because your body/mind CAN let the guard down, that you are experiencing all these emotions right now.

I also would not be surprised, given the IF issues, that you may have somewhat of a hormonal imbalance that makes you prone to anxiety/depression. That certainly was the case with me! Though I have been weaned from my meds for a few months now (since May, I think?), I wouldn't be at all surprised to have a relapse at some point in the future.

I hope you get some meds (Effexor, perhaps?) to take the edge off, so you can work through the emotions/grief you have supressed for so long.

XXXX Tertia. You are NOT insane. Promise.


{{{Hugs}}} Tertia. I'm sorry you feel this way right now.

I'm so sorry you're hurting. Good for you, for seeking help. How many of us (particularly women) suffer in silence because we feel like we shouldn't feel bad?
Hang in there. May there be light for you soon.

please don't apologize. I think you are doing the right thing. I tend to agree with those above who say that sometimes we just keep going and once it is "safe" then we can let ourselves go through all the feelings.

Also I am jealous that someone as cool as Julie calls you an asshole, and vice versa.

Please take care of yourself and know the internets are cheering for you.

I just wanted to add to all the great comments that there is /also/ such a thing as a post-publication depression. It's quite normal. _The Courage to Write_ has a really good chapter on this that might be interesting to read, esp. if you are going to continue to shop your book around other markets. :) You don't need reasons but sometimes it helps to see that there are up-and-down cycles even to good things. Hang in there!

Maybe its all happening now because it can. Because on some level you know that you're in a safer place than you've been in a while - Marko and you are OK, the babies have their issues but are healthy and normal, your relationship with your sister is healing. You can let yourself be a little weak and take care of that part that you occasionally need to take care of. You can look at the inner problems you have instead of fighting the big immediate battles going on outside you.

And as for AD's, here is my take on them. Use them when you need to. It is your responsibility to yourself and your family to get the help you need when you need it. It is a quality of life issue for all involved. I guess I never thought of them as a one-time thing. They are a tool for continuing and maintaining my recovery from depression. Not a sign of failure or relapse.

And thanks for writing. You make so many of us feel not alone.

Wow! Bravo to the brave woman who is so eloquent in her honesty! All i can add is, ME THREE! The first time i felt my PPD was the day i took my twins to Daycare for the first time (at 6 months old) and had a minute to relax and actually think about what i was doing... taking care of twins completely alone with no friends (had just moved), no job, no $$, no husband, no family to help.
Everyone else thought i was crying b/c i missed them.
HA HA!!!
I didn't try to get any help and should have. Fast forward to now (at 20 months old) when i have great live-in help, a job, friends, etc. and the PPD and anxiety is worse than ever...
This time i went for help. Just knowing i have the Rx for zanax in the cabinet keeps the anxiety attacks away.
Please allow me to send you one GIGANTIC hug. You are not alone. We all love you and there are so many of us going through the same thing.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{ HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}


There is a theory that some people with depression or anxiety will fall apart when they feel subconsciously they can handle it (when they are "well"). While all the bad stuff is going on, you can't really process the feelings on top of the events. When you have less going on, then the emotions get to you.

You aren't pathetic. You've been through a lot and it takes time to process it all.


Long time reader, rare commenter. I think it's what you already have guessed a little depression. But it's also that you did what many of us have done. You put on a brave face, you pushed it away, down, aside because you had to soldier on to get to your goal. And the why now, I think (just my own opinion) is that NOW it's safe to feel all the feelings you have had to shove aside. When you are finally settled, ready to tackle it then it rears it's head.

I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. You are safe, happy and ready to deal with the last several years pain. No need to be sorry, just take gentle care of yourself right now. Give yourself the same compassion you share with everyone else.

Be well.

just wanted to give you a hug. just went thru this myself, very very recently. thinking of you. xx

hye just my 2 cents
you know how our bodies will skip a period because we are stressed out and our body realises we really dont need to deal with this right now, i think our bodies are great like that, also i think its called post traumatic stress its when you go through something really emotional and your body suppresses it,i think your body and mind need some time out, when i read your book i cried and i laughed and thought wow what a women (i had just had my first failed icsi) i was an emotional wreck after just one, so i (total stranger) think your a great, very strong women thats accomplished a great deal more than most and i have to admire your ability to keep up this blog run a home with two kids and keep a job if i didnt know better id think you had super powers!!

lala 2
(i see theres another lala posting here)

I have nothing psychological to offer, having gone through recent depression myself. It will end, whether you tough it out or go on the ADs (faster if you go on the ADs, dear). You've gone through so much...shit (for lack of a more Ladylike word) over the last few years that it's just so much to process!

I'll toast to your health the next time I imbibe (Fridays, always), and send you hugs from across the giant pond. You have bunch of G&D internet girlfriends holding you up. :)

You really don't have to be sorry. I am so sorry you feel that way. It sounds like you're going through a hell of a time, and the good news is that you're getting help. I'm the one who's sorry, you certainly don't need to be.

Not going to read the other comments but from my end of things it sounds like you should resume the use of the anti-depressants. My depressions used to sneak up on the most calm, happy times in my life. Depression is an illness and strikes anytime, deal with it and everyone will be happier for it. Nothing to be ashamed of Tertia. Just as if you had diabetes and had to take daily meds for it; depression should be treated too. Without shame.

There is no shame in AD's. Go. back. on. them. Don't look back. My dh comes from a family that worries, people who hid money under mattresses because they didn't trust banks. His mom didn't see the end of a movie until she was a teen and went on her own, because her father would make them leave early to avoid traffic. haha. You could say anxiety runs in the family, and it would be an understatement. He went on AD's and then didn't need substances anymore (he *needed* a drink to relax every day - self-medicating). He was my same, sweet husband but without the monkey on his back, the worry, the anxiety over insignificant things. A few years later he went off them as a trial, because he thought the anxiety was situational (job instability and financial worries). He was a mess. He was great friends with his boss (really, they were pretty much contemporaries - we hung out with him and his wife because we liked each other). Yet he would come home, sure that this guy was going to fire him, worry about it all weekend, stew about it, think/talk about nothing else. Then Monday I'd call him in a hushed whisper, wondering how things were at work. Fine. It was no big deal, all blown out of proportion in his head. I begged him to go back on AD's, because it was clearly something he needed. He agreed after I pointed out his absurd behaviour. Years later, he is off them now and doing alright, but if he needed them again he would go on again. *hugs*

Sweetheart, please slow down!! You are panicking about something - which is making it worse. You are now having these feelings because up until now you have filled you life - packed it to the brim, with your projects. Now you have some breathing time, your body is saying - now is the time to grieve over all the sad events of the last few years. This is normal. Don't answer this comment - you don't have time, and we all understand that!! Big love and hugs

I have nothing to add other than thank you for so perfectly yet simply putting words to depression. Sometimes I feel like I must just be a big whiny baby, but hearing you and so many other moms reiterate those same emotions and frustrations...well, it's just an incredible relief.

Poor you-you've been through such a lot over the last four years that some of it is bound to catch up with you. Hang in there.

However, I would say that how you seem to be feeling now is EXACTLY what I went through after having my coil removed. I would wake up in a blind panic in the middle of the night, after having horrible dreams about accidents happening to the children, of the kind that I had not had since they were very small. I also rationalise everything, and I found the sudden transformation to weird middle-aged lady very weird.

The only thing that worked for me was natural progesterone cream. Looking back, I think that my progesterone levwls plummeted after having the damned Mirena taken out, and pitched me into a type of PND. For this reason, I would seriously recommend having your prog levels checked, which I did not do. I only felt "right" again two and half years after having it out, when I think my hormones readjusted themselves to a sensible balance.

Good luck.

Hi Tertia

You know my history a little with Mark. After he came out of NICU I started feeling just like you. Luckily I do not have the added pressures of work like you do. However things just got worse and worse. Eventually I was flown down to SA and hospitalised for servere clinical depression.

I have been on medication (Ciprolex) since then and feel much better. They are also used to combat anxiety and have made a big difference. If I were you, I would seriously consider going onto medication.


Like so many others, I think it is natural for the sadness and grief to come out now when everything is ok. Would it help the panic to acknowledge that it is another stage of grieving?

Many posters here have suggested the ADs. Personally, I'd have a slightly different take on them but whatever we all say, make sure you do what is right for you. I would suggest that you need to give these feelings an outlet - they are there trying to get out and the more you try to push them down (and tell yourself you shouldn't be feeling them), the stronger they will get. Its like trying to hold a ball underneath the water, it'll keep on trying to pop up.

I would suggest giving youself 20 mins daily (and I know your schedule is crazy and this is nearly impossible to fit in) to be miserable. 20 mins for you to cry, shout, scream, worry, grieve, whatever emotion comes to you. And at the end of the 20 mins, have a pleasant activity that you must do (glass of wine with Marko? Bathtime with K and A? It must be a defined, pleasurable activity, not just going to bed or something like that) to put an end to your 20 mins. And if you find yourself worrying/getting upset at any other part of the day, you can tell yourself firmly that you are not going to think about it now, because you have your 20 minute worry time and will think about it then.

Several people I know have tried this when dealing with depression and all have found it helpful. Most people are quite resistant to it (they already feel crap, why would they want to spend 20 mins dedicated to feeling crap each day?) but our emotions are there to be felt. The 20 minute time period is a good limit, because a 3 hour wallow in misery is counterproductive, but we can all cope with 20 minutes. After a couple of weeks of doing this each day, the people that I know who have tried it (including me)have ended up feeling bored in that 20 minutes, because the feelings have been vented and have gone. Once you have a week of feeling bored, and having trouble concentrating on your misery, then it is over.

Whatever route you choose to get through this, you will get through it and out the other side. take care of yourself.

you are wonderful and never ever alone. so courageous. the bravest step in life is admitting you need help and you did that.well done.

you're wonderful even in your sadness. xx

Tersh if you were reading this taken from someone elses life you would run to the store and get a double pack happy pills. Def go on the zoloft asap. I do think its partially a case of all the heartache from the past few years resurfacing but also good ol fashion nasty depression. Take the drugs. You LOVE drugs remember!
When I was PMS mow I had a taste of the anxiety and suicidal thoughts that depressives have to deal with all the time and I really felt for people who have to suffer daily due to chemical imbalances. Crap! Don't be so ugly to yourself. I love you, proud to be your sister!

It happens to the best of us - and you are NOT pathetic at all. I am glad you are seeing a therapist and taking steps to stop the whirl wind of anxiety and the resulting depression.

Hang in there.


I understand exactly how you feel....hugs!

**** Hugs *****

Repeat after me: "I am gorgeous and divine....".

Tertia: Man, have I been where you are. Not in terms of life experiences, but in terms of how you're feeling, the anxiety and worry and sadness. And the very last thing you need to do is APOLOGIZE for that. Smart women like us often think if we just work hard enough, think hard enough, try harder, we can beat this thing. Admitting to yourself that you have a problem and seeking help for it is a sign of courage, not failure.

Ah, Tertia. It's probably because things ARE good now that you finally have the calm in which to process all of the awful things that have happened to your family along the road to this happy place. Post-traumatic stress isn't just for soldiers and car crash victims. I didn't go through anything half as terrible as what you did, and yet I know that I'm still processing the second trimester miscarriage I had before my son was born... these ghosts don't fade away when the lights are turned on, as much as we wish they would.

You're not alone, and you are still totally G&D.

I have just started reading this book by Dale Carnegie...How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. Really, Tertia, it is AMAZING.

Sounds like you're just going through a time. Thinking of you!

p.s. that sounded like I was trivializing it, saying "you're just going through a time". just wanted you to know you're not alone. the thing that is most frustrating for me is when i worry when things are seemingly "perfect". I think that's the time when i'm afraid everything will come crashing down. anyway, you're not alone!

Hey, sweetie! I have not read the other comments, I just want you to know that you are not alone. This may be a component of your A type personality, maybe you feel that life is out of control, which, in turn, is causing your ocd side to rear it's ugly head. Maybe you expect yourself to be too perfect? Maybe now that life has settled a little with the babies/toddlers your subconscious is insisting that you allow yourself a little more time to grieve for what you've lost? Maybe your just eating too much sugar? Looking back on your life, does this particular season (spring in SA?) remind you of a past loss?

No matter what it is I think you are making a wise choice to talk to a professional. Sometimes we need meds to get us over these humps. Sometimes we need meds to get through the rest of our lives. There is no shame in getting help. The only shame is in refusing to get help when you know that you need it. You don't need to apologize to us, but you may need to forgive yourself for being less then perfect.

With loving kindness,

Be pissed, if you want to be, but don't be embarassed or think for a minute you are pathetic! Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep up a healthy marriage, raise two children, work a full time job, write a book and find time to nurture yourself? Its near bloody impossible. We all feel this way at one time or another. Take the meds. If you feel better, that's all that matters.

Ah, I had a similar thing going on a few months ago. At the time I felt like such a failure. Why was I feeling so bad when I had no real reason? But after the therapy I knew it was worth it. Just hang in there!

It is perfectly normal to feel this way from time to time. The therapy should help, the ADs should help and getting it off of your chest should help. You are not a failure and you are doing quite well at managing the kids, home, job, marriage thing. Everyone gets overwhelmed once in a while, it is just your turn at the moment.

I often get through stressful times just fine and then when the pressure is off I buckle under the emotion of what I have gone through. I wait for the crisis to be over and then it all comes crashing down on me. It is a coping mechanism of sorts. (I don't know if it is a good one or a bad one, it is just the way I do things.)

Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself the way you would treat someone who might come to you for help because they feel those things you are feeling. What would you do to comfort that person? Do that for yourself.

I'm thinking of you, my dear, and echo everyone else (even tho I didn't read the comments, hehe) that you must be kind to yourself, and not feel like a failure for this setback!

My goodness, with what you've been through over the last few years, Tertia, it's amazing that you have held up so well, but you are not super-human, merely G&D!

Needing some help regarding depression is nothing to be ashamed of, you KNOW that! There are SO many people in your shoes, so many.

My life isn't okay like you describe with the great kids, great marriage, great ... stuffs... it is full of sadness right now and allot of loneliness ... and I feel pathetic that I feel so sad, so alone, so alles.

I hear you...

Could be depression or it's ugly cousin, anxiety. Glad you are going to the shrink! Any chance you can get in earlier? Sorry you are feeling so bad (periodically).

Thank you for being so honest. You've definitely struck a chord. I think we all feel this way more frequently than not, but we don't know how to share such thoughts so we mask them instead. We're rooting for you (and ourselves, by proxy...)

First: Hugs to you.

Second: What does Mel think? You are best friends...seems like she might have some insight/comfort. Sometimes a sister is just what a body needs. Just a thought.


I'm so sorry that you're suffering. You are gorgeous and divine, and I'm glad that you are seeking some chemical and professional help so that you can get back to FEELING G&D.

I struggle with anxiety myself, so I really relate. It is OK to not be perfect, to not have it all together, to need help. To be able to admit that and do something about it -- that's brave, smart and amazing. Just like you are. It's not that you need therapy, it's that you DESERVE it.

I have been there. I have SOOOO been there. When my son was about 18 or so mnths old I went through what was later diagnosed as post partum depression. Yes, it can hit that much later.

I went on Paxil, I did therapy, 6 months later I was off the medication and have never had to go back.

The 6 months sucked. Hardcore. I worried about everything, ESPECIALLY if it pertained to my son. I KNOW what you are talking about. I do.

Talk to your doctor. Post partum CAN happen this much later. It's NOT you. I mean that. YOU are ok. Talk to your doctor. Seriously.

Sending hugs from half a world away. I know what you are talking about.

First of all, you're not pathetic. You're fabulous. And you happen to be depressed. From my extensive therapy experience, I believe that it always seems worse in the beginning of your session work. It will start to get better. Those first few sessions, though, leave you raw. Hang in there. You are beautiful...inside and out. And you're an inspiration to so many. Thank you for trusting us with your heart.

I can add nothing helpful except - I know exactly how you feel. You aren't pathetic. You've taken the first step in healing yourself, which is more than I've done at this point. You are to be admired for that, even if you don't believe it right now.

You aren't alone. You are more normal than you know.

Thank you for saying out loud how so many of us feel on a daily basis.

Take special care - I think you are quite amazing.

Dear Tertia

You have been through so much. And it is very, very normal for a person who has been traumatised to have a kind of delayed reaction to it.

I live with a Vietnam veteran, and sometimes these veterans cope fine for 20 years or more! They get through the crisis, they do what they have to do, then they are preoccupied which keeps things at bay. Then it starts to unravel, many years and even decades later.

I see the same thing with refugees sometimes. They get protection in a new country, they seem to be coping well while they feverishly adapt to new circumstances, getting jobs, learning English, getting kids in school etc. And then its actually when that period of initial adjustment is completed that the pain of their previous experiences really bites them in the arse.

You have been through a hellish experience. It is hard to think what worse thing can happen to a woman that to lose her children. You have coped magnificently. I still don't understand how you are doing it. You are courageous and positive and just all-round wonderful.

Please be gentle with yourself. Keep getting help. Don't let anything tell you that you don't need it or SHOULD be coping better. That is bullshit. And maybe you need to calm down some activities for a while. You are carrying a very big load, with the twins, the job, a marriage, a book, and even a popular blog takes a lot of maintenance. A person can just get depleted...

love and hugs


Hey Tertia.
I have this too right now. The worst is feeling guilty about the fact that I SHOULD be appreciating everything, others have it so much worse/actual problems blah catnip. And yet...sadness. Sitting on a chair in the warmth and love of my home and wanting to cry. About what? Dunno, just sad. All occurrences that should have had a teensy effect, yet ignored, stored away in the darkness of "not dealing with that", lurking, compounding all those little things into one, unnameable sadness. When you find that brass ring of happiness, update your blog, and share the secret, because somehow...you always make me smile.

So many good posts - didn't read every one but many.
Wanted to say I agree that it is good you are seeing a therapist and considering ADs. Lexapro is very good for anxiety with low side effect profile. Try not to be hard on yourself. You are brave and are doing all the right things. One of the best things you can do for Kate and Adam is to delve deep and understand yourself better.
Wishing you the best,

Oh Tertia.
You are a wonderful, hugely adaptable and capable woman. Like me though, you are also expecting the world of yourself. It's a type of perfectionism. Sometimes when I read your blog I think how can this woman do so much? Taking care of yourself is not meeting everyone's elses needs all of the time or being the perfect wife, mother, friend, blogger, employee. You have been through so much over the last few years, change grief, you name it. And as someone else here said, now that the war is over you may be safe but you've got wounds to heal. But I don't think that you're "ill" as someone else suggested, so forget that. And you're certainly not a failure because you're having a hard time. Don't add that negative self-talk to your plate. But I think that ssri's could help lessen some of your anxiety -overdrive and lift your mood, while you develop some new coping stategies. And you need to learn how to take better care of yourself, in ways that will work for you.
You're a fantastic girl, remember that always.

Wow. Big hugs, Tertia. I'm so glad you have help to turn to, and you're not facing this in the dark and alone. I wish you lots of strength to deal with this.

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