So Close

So, you really are a private bunch

Ack! I wish I hadn’t asked you that bloody question, but I did.  And now I have to deal with the consequences.  Yuckity yuck. You’ve made me feel all worried about something I wasn’t worried about before.  But but but….. it is good to question these things all the time, and I really, genuinely appreciate your honest feedback.  I know it is not always easy to post a dissenting opinion.  Thank you for doing so, and I hope that you will always feel that you are able to tell me when you disagree with me*.  It is a sign of good, healthy conversation when people feel safe enough to disagree. In a respectful manner of course.

 Still wish I didn’t know how many of you think it isn’t a good idea to blog about my kids.  

 However. I am going to do my best to stick to what my gut is telling me, and that is that I am not doing my children any harm by blogging about them.  I really feel that they will see where this is coming from.  That everything I do is done with love, with honesty and with the best intention.  Why did I tell you about Adam’s potential SID issues? So that I could reach out to you and get any help, advice, ideas, tips etc that could help me to help him.  No matter which way I look at this, it doesn’t feel wrong to me.

 I feel very strongly that there is nothing to be ashamed about, in anything that I have written.  Some of you have said that it is ok for me write about these things because the records might not appear in Google etc in 15 years time – but it doesn’t matter if it appears or not!  Firstly, my kids will have read almost this entire blog (if they want to, of course, they might find it all v v boring) and secondly, so what?  So what if some potential kid / employer / girlfriend / whoever finds out that Adam had SID as a kid?  So what? I promise you this: there are going to be very few people in 15 years time who haven’t had OT, or PT or some kind of intervention or some kind of issue.  I think that my kids will be proud and grateful that they had a mother who did whatever she could to help them be the best they could be. I repeat: I do not see SID as a disability, or a handicap.  It is merely an issue that we are going to be sorting out. 

 I will raise my children to be proud of who they are, no matter what or how they are put together. Nothing is a disability, nothing. Nothing is a life sentence or a ball and chain. Not if you are open and honest about it, and be positive about working on achieving the best that you can be.  Not the best by society’s standards, but the best you can be. And best means happiest in my book. 

 Which is the same way I have handled my infertility – i.e. with total honesty, without shame and mostly, with any apology.  I realized it was my ‘issue’; everyone has an issue. And so I did something about it. I apologize to no one for who I am and how I am made up. I am not perfect, but I am not ashamed of who I am, flaws and all.  In fact, I like who I am inside, and that is a very gratifying feeling.  I hope to each my children to like who they are too.

 I respect that you might be different to me.  And that is absolutely, totally fine. As I have said many times in the past, thank god we all are so different.  Imagine how boring life would be if we were all the same.  I also know that some of your cultures are a lot more private than mine is.  Viva la difference! 

 Perhaps I am being supremely naïve. Who knows.  All I can do is trust my gut and be true to who I am.  My gut says I am ok. I am going to go with that.

 * I am going to let the conversation continue for a while, but if it gets too heavy I am going to switch it off.  I’ll tell you why…. This parenting thing is hard enough, and fraught with enough guilt without me adding to it by taking on board even more parenting guilt.  Making me feel that the decisions I take on behalf of my kids might end up damaging them is a job I do well enough on my own, thankyouverymuch. Its not that I don’t love you or want to hear what you think, I do! But my guilt-o-meter is perilously close to Maximum as it is.  Ok? I mean, lets get real here: I work!! Which means I LET SOMEONE ELSE RAISE MY KIDS!  I let them watch TV!! I let them eat sweets!! And now I TALK ABOUT MY KIDS ON THE INTERNET!! My god, someone call the authorities! See – there is enough shit there to keep me going for years  ;-)

 

Blogging about children – is it fair and therefore fair game?

I got this comment from a reader (in response to me talking about Adam’s potential SID issues) that I thought I would address publicly; hoping to get your input as well.

 Tertia, I am a huge fan of yours and do not want this to be taken the wrong way. But have you wondered whether it’s fair to your son to be discussing him in such a public format.

Not saying you should not for sure, I am just thinking that in these days when every record can be stored and located via Google forever after, it may not be in his best interest to have this all out there.

Just a question. Curious to hear what others think about this.

What do you think?

 Firstly, thank you for asking the question so respectfully.

 I must admit when I read your question my first fleeting reaction was “ouch”.  As in “what are you trying to say? That I am being unfair to my son by discussing him in public?”  But because you asked it in such a respectful way, that reaction really was fleeting. 

 My second reaction was: I am in no way ashamed or embarrassed about Adam’s issues and I am pretty sure he won’t be too.  A diagnosis (if he is indeed diagnosed as such) of SID is nothing to be ashamed about.  In fact, I know that I suffer from it too.  Which makes me truly understand what he is going through.  I’ve thought about it hard, and I really don’t think me talking about him on my blog is being unfair to him.

 However, on a more general level, what your question did do is make me think about whether it is fair to post about one’s children at all.  Especially in light of the recent goings on in Blogland.

 As you know, I am absolutely honest and 100% open about myself on the Internet.  My full name is posted as well as where I work etc.  My family read this blog, as do my employers, my friends, my publisher etc.  There is no place to hide or pretend. Sometimes it makes it hard to blog, but this is just the way I am.  I’ve told you about my previous drug habits – which means my family now know too. I told you that I was feeling depressed; that I was in therapy and started AD’s.  Which means that the whole world (who know me), including my employer, knows that too.  This type of total open blogging is not everyone’s cup of tea, but this is just how I am.  I prefer being this way, I am this way in real life too. It is too hard for me to pretend to be someone I am not. 

 It is a constant conscious effort on my part to draw a line around myself when it comes to my open style of blogging.  I realize that I can say pretty much anything I want about myself, but I don’t and can’t do that about other people. See yesterday’s post. I know that not everyone is like me. My poor husband gets discussed a lot more than he would probably like to be discussed. He is essentially a very private person and the poor man is married to someone who blogs about him, and even worse, wrote a book all about him doing his ‘thing’ into a specimen cup.  He is really good about my blogging and although we’ve never discussed specifically, he seems to trust me to know where to draw the line when I discuss him.  I know he reads my blog sometimes and he knows I love him way too much to talk about him in a way that will hurt or upset him.

 But my kids are different. They have never given me permission to blog about them, and yet I do. I blog about them about as openly as I blog about myself.  Way more openly that I blog about anyone else, my husband included.  Is this fair? Going back to the reader’s question, but generalizing it beyond the current situation: Is it fair to blog about one’s children with what is essentially, done so without their permission?

 I’ve thought long and hard about it, and I think what I am doing is ok.  I don’t *think* I am being unfair to them. However I fully admit that I am making huge assumptions here – the biggest of which is that they will be like me, open and public about who they are.  I think they will be like me, but I can’t be sure. They could take after their father instead. Poor bastards, I hope not. Only joking! Sort of.

 One thing that does make me feel a little bit better is that everything I say about them here is something they will know about one day.  Because I intend recording everything that refers to them on this blog in a document of some sorts for them. This blog is partly for them. There is nothing I have said that I will hide from them.  Not even the fact that I called them little assholes.  Because they really were, and still are sometimes, little assholes! 

 So, I am not worried about them Googling themselves and finding this information on the Internet – they wont have to, they will have it already.  Is it fair that I talk about Adam’s potential SID issues in public?  I don’t see it as something to be ashamed or embarrassed about.  We all have issues, these are his. Hopefully he will see in what I wrote how much I love him and that will matter most of all. 

 It is an interesting debate, and one that is very topical in light of all the drama going on at the moment.  About whether we should be blogging so openly; whether by blogging openly you are fair game to anyone who takes a dislike to you and wants to take a pot shot at you*. And whether that extends to your children as well. I’m interested to know what you think. Try and be as respectful as the person to originally raised the question.  I’m interested in debate, not judgement.

 *For what its worth, my feeling is that the same rules that apply to the real world should apply to the online world.  Simple common decency should prevail and if you wouldn’t do it in real life; hiding behind the anonymity of the Internet doesn’t give you permission to act like a total dickhead.  But that’s just my opinion.

Quick help please - Splinter

Kate has two splinters in her hand, one biggish one and a small one.  She obviously doesn’t want me to come near her with a needle and says it is “ouch” if I try and press it out.  It doesn’t look infected and it doesn’t seem to be bothering her, yet. What should I do? Leave it to come out on its own?  Take it out with a needle?  Rush her to hospital to have to surgically removed by a highly rated plastic surgeon? 

 

Apparently Typepad is down again and the comment section is not working at the moment. My apologies! My poor child has a surgical emergency and the Internets are unable to assist me. Bloody Typepad. 

Blog fodder

Note to all the people in my life: I promise I will not blog about you in a way that embarrasses you, makes you feel shy or exposed and you can be sure that if you tell me something in confidence, it will not appear on my blog. 

 My blogging seems to make a few of my real life friends and acquaintances quite nervous. I think they are scared they might just feature in one of my blog posts one day. So many of my friends and acquaintances have recently admitted that they secretly worry I might blog about them and so I wanted to say that I would never do that. I respect your privacy, and I value our relationship far too much to do that.

 Once you become a blogger, or I suppose a writer for that matter, your outlook on the world changes. Often, the things you see or do get viewed through the lens of a blog post. It is almost like running a narrative on your life as you are living it. It often helps put things in perspective, and is actually quite amusing. Because, if you think about it, life can be pretty funny sometimes.

 All good and well, one could and arguably should take the piss out of oneself on a regular basis, but you can’t really do that to others. Which is such a pity because the people in your life present such tasty and tempting opportunities for starring roles on your blog. And that naturally makes them very nervous.

 Of course there are rules and etiquette and common decency that says that you shouldn’t blog about other people in a way that makes them feel even the slightest bit uncomfortable or embarrassed etc. It is fine if you are 100% anonymous and you blog about someone anonymously, but I am hardly in that position. I value my friendships and other relationships far too much with people to risk upsetting people by blogging about them. 

 If I do blog about someone in my life, there are at least a few people who would know who I am talking about, and so, besides the whole ethical side of it, I could and would never talk shit about someone in my real life, unless I disguise their identity and the situation to such an extent that even they wouldn’t know I was talking about them. But then it often renders the point so abstract and oblique that it is not worth talking about.

 So dear friends and acquaintances, chill! No (negative) starring roles for you on this blog. I wouldn’t do that to you. If you think you recognize yourself in a post of mine, you probably have got it wrong.  It really isn’t you, promise!

It’s hard, but I’d rather know

A while I posted a note about an acquaintance of mine who had a child whom I suspected might have some minor developmental issues.  I asked you your opinion on whether I should say something. I saw something in the child that worried me enough to want to say something to the mom, but I was worried the mom might be offended or angry with me. I asked you how you would feel if someone had to mention to you that they had concerns about your child. Some of you said you would want to be told; others said they felt it was inappropriate for someone to voice their concerns to another mother, especially without any professional expertise or first-hand knowledge about their particular situation.  They had various really valid, sound reasons why they felt this way.  I absolutely understood and respected their reasoning.

 However, my response was that I would want to know if someone had concerns about my child. 

 In the situation mentioned above, I am ashamed to admit I never came out and told the mother directly about my concerns for her child. I did try. I mentioned it in a roundabout way, a few times.  But I was too scared to say it outright.  Mostly because I am not sure whether my concerns are totally relevant or not.  Perhaps I was wrong; and while there was doubt, I was too cowardly to risk my friendship with her.  The mother rejected all my attempts at directing the conversation towards the possibility of something being wrong.  And so I left it.  I am not proud of my behaviour at all. (BTW, the issue is still there)

 Last night I was chatting to Julie about how devastated I felt after the phone call from the swimming teacher, and she reminded me about my post and about the situation with my friend.  She asked me whether I had changed my mind about wanting to know. Do I feel differently now that I had been on receiving end of the phone call to say there might be something amiss with my child?

 The answer is no. I have not changed my mind. I would still want to know.

 Getting that phone call was really hard. I was very upset after the call, but not because the swimming teacher made the call, but rather because of the possibility that there might actually be something wrong with my child.  I am very grateful to the teacher for plucking up the courage to make the call; for be brave enough to risk me being upset or offended or telling her to bugger off.  That must have taken a lot of courage. In way this makes it harder – knowing that her concern for my child is great enough to ally her fears about being rebuffed.  It means she really does think something is wrong. Which breaks my heart.

 Although I am fairly ‘head in the sand’ about most things, I am not like that about my children.  I would rather know. I would rather know so that I can either do something about it, or if there is nothing to be done, I can learn how to mother my children in a way that will give them the best possible chance at future happiness.  Because at the end of the day, that is my ultimate goal – to try and provide them with the best possible chance at happiness, whatever form that might take. 

 (I am feeling so protective about Adam at the moment. I can’t stop holding him and kissing him.  I don’t want to preempt anything, and I know I run the risk of being HUGELY over-paranoid, but I just feel so heart sore for him.  I know it’s not a big thing; and I know many mothers have far bigger issues to deal with (I almost feel embarrassed at my reaction to this), but I just feel so sorry for him.  God, life is tough enough without having to deal with extra shit.  I’ll be better in a few days; I just need to get over these initial emotions. Poor baby.)

Sensory Integration Dysfunction

As those who have been reading this blog for a while will know, Adam is, and has always been a, um, intense child.  Not difficult (although lots of hard work!) but very intense. He is just ‘more’. He gets very cross, or very excited. More. 

 A while back I posted a note about the fact that he bites, and a few of you remarked that he could be dealing with sensory integration dysfunction – SID.  And then I got an email from a friend-in-the-computer.  She cautiously said that she didn’t want to seem assvicey or pushy but that as a friend she needed to tell me that she thought Adam might have SID.  Her sons have it and so she recognizes the symptoms. 

 Both the blog comments and email made me take notice, but at the time I wasn’t sure it was that.  I thought perhaps he is just a biter, an intense child.  Then on the weekend I decided to do some Google surfing to check this SID thing out (yes I do realize google is a dangerous place for information overload and total paranoia, I’ve taken that in mind).  I got chills when I read the signs and symptoms of the disorder.  They describe Adam to a T. I was pretty upset about it. The more I read, the more I realized that he was showing so many of the signs, and that he seemed to be getting worse.

 Two nights ago, after another intense ‘Adam moment’ I turned to Marko and said “I want to get him checked out, just to make sure”.  Marko, being a male, said that Adam was fine. I replied that perhaps he is, but if there are issues, I would like to get intervention as early as possible.  I would also like to know how to mother him.  Must I be firmer? Gentler?  What should I do to ensure that he is happy and fulfils his potential as much and as best he can?

 I chatted to my mom about it, and yesterday I started calling around to find the best person to take him to.  As I was about to dial, my phone rang. It was his swimming teacher, who also has twins.  Hers are 8 years old and the one has quite severe SID.  She said she has been thinking about making this call for a while, and although she was nervous that I would be offended, she felt she had to let me know what she was thinking.  She said that based on what she has experienced with Adam over the past two months; she suspects he might have SID issues.  She even chatted to her OT about it and the OT told her that she should let me know.

 I know it is not a huge disability or anything like that, but I was so devastated after the call.  Not that she called me; I really appreciate that she was brave enough to make the call, but that my poor little boy could potentially face some kind of challenge in his future.  I just feel for him so much. My little boy, I want to hold him tight to me and protect him forever against any hardship that life might throw his way.

 There are different variations and types of SID, and I don’t want to diagnose Adam myself before he has been diagnosed professionally, but I think he is hyposensitive.  I think he is sensory seeking.  So much of the way he is makes sense to me. And oddly enough, I learnt a lot about myself in the research I’ve done.  I too suffer from a form of SID.

 You know what I’ve realized; is that Adam was a prem baby.  And Kate wasn’t. Yes, they were born at the same time, but Adam spent his first 12 days in NICU for immature lungs.  Kate came home with me. He just has always had more ‘prem’ issues than she has, even though he was bigger than her. 

 I am taking him to be assessed on the 11^th.  In the meantime, I would appreciate any experience, or words of advice from those of you who have some kind of inside info or history with this disorder.  

 My poor little intense boy. I love him so much.

Sleep solutions for your baby, toddler and pre-schooler

“Sleep is a lot like sex. If you are not getting as much you’d like, it can become a bit of an obsession. Suddenly, all you can think about is when you last had it, how great if felt when you had it, and what you can do to get some again.”

 It is no wonder there are a million sleep books out there – sleep, or lack there of, is one of the hardest things about parenting. As many people have said before me, there is a reason sleep deprivation is used as a method of torture. It is enough to make the strongest person crack.

 As part of her cyber book tour, I am reviewing Ann Douglas’ book “Sleep solutions for your baby, toddler and pre-schooler”. Yet another sleep book you say! What makes this one different / unique / any better than the rest?

 There are several things I like about this book: the first is that there is no guilt – no judgement, no moral high ground, just an acknowledgment that different solutions work for different sleep problems in individual children. Ann has done her homework by speaking to hundreds of mothers about what worked for them, and combines this practical experience with the facts behind the science of sleep. I also love Ann’s voice in the book. She is funny, friendly, warm and this comes across in her writing. 

 Ann covers all the different issues relating to sleep as well as the schools of thought around solving your sleep issues: from co-sleeping, to sleep aids, to moving your toddler into his big boy bed to night terrors. She presents each view objectively, giving you sufficient information to decide what will work for your child. 

 If you are pregnant, then I highly recommend you get this book. As Ann says in the book, all the reading we do when we are pregnant is about pregnancy and giving birth, when instead we should be reading about the issues we will be dealing with once the baby is born. And believe me, sleep will be one of the biggest issues you will have to deal with. 

 In closing, I leave you with this paragraph from the book on “New mom sleep debt”, in which Ann quotes Faulkner Fox. I could so relate to this:

 “A friend of mine started referring to herself as ‘the sleep accountant’ soon after her son was born. She took to asking friends, colleagues at work and veritable strangers how much sleep they’d gotten the night before. ‘What were you hoping,’ I’d ask, ‘that no one would have gotten less sleep than you, or that someone would be down in the bottom percentile keeping you company?’ ‘I was just so jealous of people who were sleeping,’ she’d replied. ‘I just wanted to know who they were so I could hate them.’”

Is thirteen a good age to give up the dummy / pacifier.

Sister Mel and I got an email from our little sister this morning.  I must stop saying little.  Over 30 is not little.

 Sister Mel and I got an email from our younger sister this morning.  Her daughter (the very, very gorgeous Lily-Rose) is 9 months old and my sister wants to know about when she should start weaning her off the bottle on to the sippy cup.  I remember asking the same question a year or so ago. Lily is already showing signs of wanting to wean herself.  That child is very advanced, as my mom would say.

 She is asking the wrong people.

 Mel’s kids kept their dummies and bottles until they were three.  I am wondering if 13 is too old to still be sucking the dummy.

 I live in fear of the day when we have to give up the dummy.  And the bottles. I had the perfect opportunity to give up the bottles this weekend. Kate has bitten two of her four remaining teats (yes I KNOW that is a funny word in Americanese, we call them teats here, not nipples.  'Nipples' is funny!  Not 'teats'! Stop that!) so badly that they have big holes in them.  It would be perfect timing to say “oh no! Look, the bottle is Brokennow! We will have to throw it away” Instead I will dash out today and buy two more teats.

 I just can’t do it yet.  Not yet. I need those bottles and dummies! The bottles maybe. In a while. But not the dummies, oh please dear god, not the dummies……

 When did you manage to get your children off the dummies? How did you manage it? How on earth am I going to persuade this little boy to part with his (second) most prized possession? (His lovey/baba is his first and best loved possession, but followed very closely by the dummy.  In fact, they go together. They are always asked for as a pair.  Dummy! Baba!)

 

She will be easier, just because she is an easier child.  But still! I live in fear.

With our precious 'babas'

Best Granny Ever!

I’ve told you about my mother, how she is the Best Mother in the Whole Wide World. She is and was my lifesaver, my rock, my safety net, my muse. I’ve always loved my mother dearly, but infertility and then the birth of my babies brought us even closer. She helps me out so much today; I don’t know what I would do without her.

 However, not only is she the Best Mother in the Whole Wide World, she is also the best Granny in the Whole Wide World. All her grandkids adore her. They always sob when it is time to go home from Mimi’s house. And no bloody wonder! They have such a ball there.

 Being a granny must be so much fun. You get all the nice parts and you don’t have to worry about any of the horrible stuff. I know that when my kids come back from Mimi’s house they will probably have sticky faces and muddy feet. It’s so much fun at Mimi’s house. You can have sweets for breakfast and chips for lunch. You get play all day and best of all, at Mimi’s house you are allowed to get as messy as you want.

 I am so fortunate that I have my mother around. And not only because she helps me in all sorts of practical ways, but because she loves my children so much and because they adore so completely back. Having someone love your kids as much as you do makes you love them even more.

 While I was away my mom took my kids to swimming, played with them in the afternoon and took them for their injections the next morning. I am so so lucky to have such a wonderful mother. Someone asked me today if I thought I could ever live elsewhere (besides South Africa) and I said it was not a case of whether I could live elsewhere, but whether I could ever live far away from my mom. And I don’t think I could. 

 Thanks mom, I could never do it without you.

Typepad down?

I think Typepad is down.  I can't open my blog and I think some of you can't comment? Will hopefully be sorted out soon.