How many snowflakes does it take to break a branch?

I had a session with my therapist scheduled for Friday, but she called on Thursday to postpone until today, Monday. She had to accompany someone to their IUI. I got stood up for an infertility patient.  And of course I was only too willing to do so, but somewhere in there lies some kind of weird karma’ish thing.  Some kind of message that I would try and decipher if I had the time and energy.  But I don’t.

 I like my therapist. I like her because she is the same age as I am, because she also has twins, but mostly because she doesn’t just sit there and say “hmmm, uh-ha, hmmmm” all the time.  She speaks too. She offers theories and insights and best of all, she uses analogies. I like analogies. I like making sense of the chaos; I need to find some logic in all that emotion.

 Last week she drew a diagramme explaining a theory on polarity and balance. I loved that diagramme. I loved the theory. Neat.  Polarity.  Balance.  Spectrums.  Logic.  Nice.

 Today we touched a little on the “why now” aspect.  I told her that I had thought about it, blogged about it, and that some people felt that it could be unresolved, unfinished grief about the past. But I really, really don’t think it is. I’ve dealt with the trauma of my infertility, I really have. And as for Ben, well, that will never be ‘resolved’ as such, but I am very comfortable with my sadness and grief for him.  It is part of me; it makes me more not less.  I really don’t think it is unresolved, unfinished things from the past.  To be honest, I think it is chemical, which is why I am going to go back on the AD’s, because they address the chemical aspect.

 But she said that although she agrees with me that it is not unresolved issues from the past, she disagrees with me that it has nothing to do with the past.  She said that she feels it is an accumulation effect. It is an accumulation of five years of infertility, losses, high risk pregnancies, newborn twins etc etc.  It is psychological stress that has been accumulating and accumulating. And combined with a slight chemical thing, it has now become too much.

 “Why now?” I asked again.

 She looked at me and asked, “How many snowflakes does it take to break a branch?”

 I stared at her and said: ‘Just one’.

 It only takes one. The very last one.  It doesn’t even really matter what that snowflake is.  But it only takes one; the last one.

 I guess I’ve been carrying a lot of snow for a long time, without even realizing it.  And so when that last snowflake fell, that seemingly insignificant snowflake, it all became too much to hold up anymore. 

 I really think that the combination of pills and therapy are going to do so much for me.  The talking is already helping, but I can feel I need those pills.  I need to stabilize the branch, and then slowly unpack all the shit that has been lying on it for a while.

 I’m glad I am doing this.  I really like my therapist. 

<---  I'd like to know how you are feeling, so I've done a poll

Comments

[Egg Donor]

On that note, here's a therapy link for you ;)

http://www.popularfront.com/snowdays/

[MamaChristy]

Good for you getting help. Life is too short to be sad all the time.

[Fab]

Tertia,

Therapy and medication are wonderful assistants in this stretch of your life.
I am thoroughly convinced that I would not be around if it weren't for both of those in my early 20s and when I went through a divorce over a year ago I turned to a therapist for help.
And God knows, life isn't easy. My branch is kind of heavy these days too. :)

It only takes one snowflake...or a bit of wind to break. Your branch will be strong again. Be patient with yourself...you will be fine. :)

[Nancy]

Your therapist sounds amazing. Best of luck to you.

[Lucy]

I love my therapist, too. I started seeing her when I realized that I was headed for a divorce. I've been seeing her now for about six years. She saw me through the divorce, then the courtship with my fabulous Mr. Right, then through infertility, and now through pregnancy. There have been several times where I've said, "Maybe I can do it on my own, now." And then I realize, hey, it's really NICE to have someone to bounce ideas off of. I enjoy having some time where I can just talk about me, things that are in my head, and the way I see the world. She has really helped me, through both the times when that last snowflake hit and through the times when I've felt really even-keel.

I applaud you for finding someone you like and trust, and seeing them. I kinda think we could all use a little therapy. :)

[Julia]

I think the cummulative effect is something we all underestimate. I know I did.

And the sway of all things hormonal is inestimably strong. I hate that. But I'm glad there's something to be done about it.

Good luck to you and your defrosting. ;)

[Suzie-Q.]

So glad to hear you like your therapist so much. That is extremely important.
And, I'm glad that you are coming into Summer in South Africa and winter is behind you....
Stay strong.
xoxo

[Leggy]

I've wondered the same question about my own circumstances. Why now? Why am I reliving so much of the past that I thought I'd adressed pretty well previously? I like the snowflake analogy, I also feel like the old wounds are well-scabbed, but a new trauma just seems to rip all the scabs off the old wounds and make them fresh again. And then they need to be re-healed. For the moment. Until another trauma comes along. That's my theory anyway.

[aboutface]

Great post, Tertia. And, thanks for asking :).

[Kimberly]

Tertia, I ripped off the title and meaning of this post today on my blog. (Credited you, natch.) So much change and upheaval is going on in my life. Tonight at yoga, when they had us relaxing at the end and I envisioned how beautiful it would be to swan dive off of a bridge, I realized that the last snowflake is coming.

My work has a counselling referral service. Tomorrow I'm calling it. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Kisses. :)

[jill]

T- You offered some wonderfully insightful and encouraging words to me in the recent past. Here are my thoughts. You are having to deal with not being infertile anymore - in the sense that you achieved what you wanted so badly. What do you do now? Who are you now? Initially you replaced the needles and timed injections with timed bottles and naps. But now what? That was your life for so long, but what is it now?

My branch is broken. I am looking for a therapist. I hope to find one as helpful as yours.

[Brony]

WOW! That was so well written, comforting and inspiring.
I love the snowflake analogy! I carry a lot of snowflakes.

It's so important to have a good therapist. You are very lucky.

[thrice]

I get the snowflake theory, BUT if it's chemical doesn't that have to do with the chemicals serotonin-norepinephrine-dopamine-whatever being depleted? And ADs replace those chemicals. Stress has a big affect on diabetics and their blood chemistry. But at some point it just isn't stress, but it's the pancreas just not producing enough insulin. No matter how much a diabetic improves her life style.

I just wonder how much the blame game affects people (not you) from getting help. Can depression ever just be a chemical problem? It seems, society seems to still label depression with "oh, she just couldn't cope."

[Julie]

Therapy is good. Meds are good. The combination is the best. Hope it all does it's work soon.

[Jen3 @ amazing triplets]

I'm impressed you figured that out. I'd ask a whole bunch of questions like "Well, is it wet snow or dry snow? How big is the branch? What kind of tree? Did it lose all of it's leaves yet? How long has it been snowing???"

I tend to overthink things - which is probably why my branch broke a long time ago.

[meriel]

my branch has been bandaged up with lots of glue and tape and a few splints as well - sometimes i think that makes it stronger other times all the breaks and cracks are defintely weak points.

[Ann]

Wishing you snow free days! xx

[Margot]

I'm glad you're doing this too.

People sometimes bag the drugs, and I know the side effects can be hard. But I also know that they have saved lives.

[Chickenpig]

I am so glad that you have a great therapist that you can talk to. The snowflake analogy is a very insightful one, she must be a wise person.

I think that a lot of the reason for the "why now?" question is POST traumatic stress...which is why you're going through it now POST everything. You mentioned having newborn twins. That alone is enough to put anyone over the edge without all the baggage of infertility and the additional hormone imabalances that comes along with it. Of course, while trying to adjust to dealing with two newborns and the hormones you are too busy to deal with your feelings. Ten months after the birth of my twins I find that looking back at those newborn days doesn't fill me with nostalgia and warm feelings, but something close to horror...like I've survived a battle not something wonderful. Of course, having wanted them for so long, and finally having them when others still can't, fills me with guilt. Your post has made me realize that coming up on a year I have a LOT of snowflakes piling up, and that I should try and find a therapist to deal with these thoughts and feelings before they bury me. Thank you for your candor and strength with dealing with these issues on your blog where they can help others!

PS Do you get snow in South Africa?

[sara]

Your therapist sounds wonderful. I'm glad that she and the AD's are ready to team up to help you in out of the snow.

[Woody's Girl]

I'm recalling an oft-quoted scene from Monty Python...

"just one small mint?"

Glad you are getting help before you explode and/or break the snow-covered branch.

[millie]

You do so very much. You are out in a blizzard and the snow seems to be falling hard. You're therapist sounds brillant. Love her and you.

[Heather]

I'm so glad you are writing about this. I've been thinking about therapy myself for the same reason. I have a six-year-old DD from infertility treatments and have additional years of treatments after her to have another. It seems to be piling up right now for some reason or another. I don't know why. But this is a beautiful theory of the snowflakes. Eventually you need to try to shake them off.

[fuzzit]

Thanks Tertia for being so brave and talking about this topic.

[projgen]

I like the snowflake analogy, as well. Very appropriate.

The snowflakes don't even have to be tangible things.

Sorry I missed the poll.