Am
feeling a little over extended at the moment. Stressed out. Stretched thin. Panicked.
Last
Monday I sat on the side of the road and cried. On Tuesday I spent half an hour
crying in the toilets at work. On Wednesday I wanted to give my husband away to
the first willing taker (actually, now that I think about it, I did strike up a
deal with L that we swap husbands, at least for a while). In fact, things have
been so bad that I was secretly hoping they would book me in for the
laparoscopy to remove my cyst. Just so that I can take some time out! Last week was B.A.D!
I
have so much to do, and so little of me to do it all. And the more I have to
do, the more stressed and anxious I get. I am feeling panicky. There just doesn’t
seem to be enough of me to do all that I need to do. I totally get why Lynette from Desperate
Housewives took the Ritalin. The way I feel now, if I had some Ritalin lying
around, I would be very tempted to take it.
Instead I’ve decided to go see a therapist. I
had my first session last week and I really like her. A lot of what she said made
sense to me. A lot. There is plenty stuff I still have to deal with. Stuff I
have swept under the carpet while I deal with the day to day reality of living,
mothering, working, wife’ing, writing, etc. But if you don’t deal with it, it
starts spilling over. It makes you anxious, and panicky. And you become like a
pressure cooker. I need to let some of that pressure out, before the whole
thing explodes.
I am
glad I am doing this. I didn’t want to go. I kept telling myself that I am a
failure for these anxious, out of control feelings. Every working mother copes,
why can’t I? But the reality is that while I am ‘coping’, at least on the
surface, I have things that I need to work through. Things that I need to sort out in my head. And I am going to need some expert help to do
so. At the moment, I am doing what is
necessary, and my kids aren’t suffering, but everything else is. My marriage, my job, and most importantly,
myself. When I get like this, when I start
feeling overwhelmed, I shut down every other part of my life except my
kids. I withdraw from my job*, my
marriage**, my health and cocoon myself around my kids. It’s not healthy. And of course being sick
makes it even worse, stealing what little reserves I have left.
The
thing is, it is not bad all the time. I
don’t feel depressed. I keep thinking that if I can laugh some days, how can I
be depressed? And if I am not depressed,
then shouldn’t I just suck it up and put one foot in front of the other? And yet, I am not myself. I don’t what is
wrong, but I don’t like feeling the way I do. It is there all the time, just under the surface. That horrible panicky feeling. Not enough time, not enough of me to go
around…..
And
yet, I can’t help feeling like a failure. Why can’t I cope? Why do I find myself at a therapist yet again? (I was
there during the infertile years and after Ben) I eventually have what I want,
why can’t I just be happy and cope? I keep
berating myself, telling myself that so many other women have it far worse than
I do. And you don’t see them going to
see a therapist. Useless loser that I
am. Arrggh!! I hate feeling like this.
I’ve
been feeling like this for a while, and yet I’ve been so reluctant to go. Which
is so silly, because I am a big believer in getting help from experts when it
is required. Struggling to
conceive? IMMEDIATELY take yourself off to
a fertility specialist. Don’t piss
around with a normal doctor. Need
something specific attention? Go see a specialist? So why is it that when it comes to my mental
health that that I am finding it so hard to get myself to do something about
it?
But
because my current state is affecting more than just myself, I am doing
something about it, and I will continue with the sessions. I know I have to. But it’s good. I feel
better already just for having taken the step of starting therapy. I feel less panicked. Less out of control. I am doing something positive about feeling
better. Thing is, I hate waiting, I want
it fixed soon. NOW! I don’t have the time to go to the sessions!!! I am busy
busy busy!! I want to just take a pill,
make it better. Damn. Where are those damn pills when you need them.
* Job
has been a little stressful because there have been big changes afoot. Which I haven’t been able to speak about
because of Competition Board approval, but now it is official. As of the 01st of December my current
company (SCS) will be no longer, and I will officially be an IBM’er. Welcome to the Big Blue.
** My
husband has been saintly in his patience. I owe him, big.