I totally get why Lynette took the Ritalin

  Am feeling a little over extended at the moment. Stressed out. Stretched thin. Panicked.

Last Monday I sat on the side of the road and cried. On Tuesday I spent half an hour crying in the toilets at work. On Wednesday I wanted to give my husband away to the first willing taker (actually, now that I think about it, I did strike up a deal with L that we swap husbands, at least for a while). In fact, things have been so bad that I was secretly hoping they would book me in for the laparoscopy to remove my cyst. Just so that I can take some time out! Last week was B.A.D!

  I have so much to do, and so little of me to do it all. And the more I have to do, the more stressed and anxious I get. I am feeling panicky. There just doesn’t seem to be enough of me to do all that I need to do.  I totally get why Lynette from Desperate Housewives took the Ritalin. The way I feel now, if I had some Ritalin lying around, I would be very tempted to take it.

  Instead I’ve decided to go see a therapist. I had my first session last week and I really like her. A lot of what she said made sense to me. A lot. There is plenty stuff I still have to deal with. Stuff I have swept under the carpet while I deal with the day to day reality of living, mothering, working, wife’ing, writing, etc. But if you don’t deal with it, it starts spilling over. It makes you anxious, and panicky. And you become like a pressure cooker. I need to let some of that pressure out, before the whole thing explodes.

  I am glad I am doing this. I didn’t want to go. I kept telling myself that I am a failure for these anxious, out of control feelings. Every working mother copes, why can’t I? But the reality is that while I am ‘coping’, at least on the surface, I have things that I need to work through. Things that I need to sort out in my head. And I am going to need some expert help to do so.  At the moment, I am doing what is necessary, and my kids aren’t suffering, but everything else is. My marriage, my job, and most importantly, myself.  When I get like this, when I start feeling overwhelmed, I shut down every other part of my life except my kids. I withdraw from my job*, my marriage**, my health and cocoon myself around my kids. It’s not healthy. And of course being sick makes it even worse, stealing what little reserves I have left.

  The thing is, it is not bad all the time. I don’t feel depressed. I keep thinking that if I can laugh some days, how can I be depressed? And if I am not depressed, then shouldn’t I just suck it up and put one foot in front of the other? And yet, I am not myself. I don’t what is wrong, but I don’t like feeling the way I do. It is there all the time, just under the surface. That horrible panicky feeling. Not enough time, not enough of me to go around…..

  And yet, I can’t help feeling like a failure. Why can’t I cope? Why do I find myself at a therapist yet again? (I was there during the infertile years and after Ben) I eventually have what I want, why can’t I just be happy and cope? I keep berating myself, telling myself that so many other women have it far worse than I do. And you don’t see them going to see a therapist. Useless loser that I am. Arrggh!! I hate feeling like this.

  I’ve been feeling like this for a while, and yet I’ve been so reluctant to go. Which is so silly, because I am a big believer in getting help from experts when it is required.  Struggling to conceive? IMMEDIATELY take yourself off to a fertility specialist.  Don’t piss around with a normal doctor.  Need something specific attention? Go see a specialist? So why is it that when it comes to my mental health that that I am finding it so hard to get myself to do something about it?

  But because my current state is affecting more than just myself, I am doing something about it, and I will continue with the sessions. I know I have to. But it’s good. I feel better already just for having taken the step of starting therapy.  I feel less panicked. Less out of control. I am doing something positive about feeling better. Thing is, I hate waiting, I want it fixed soon. NOW! I don’t have the time to go to the sessions!!! I am busy busy busy!! I want to just take a pill, make it better. Damn. Where are those damn pills when you need them.

* Job has been a little stressful because there have been big changes afoot.  Which I haven’t been able to speak about because of Competition Board approval, but now it is official.  As of the 01^st of December my current company (SCS) will be no longer, and I will officially be an IBM’er. Welcome to the Big Blue.

 
** My husband has been saintly in his patience. I owe him, big.

Comments

[Suzie-Q.]

Yay! First to post... and on such an important topic...
Tertia, what you are going through seems perfectly normal to me since i do the same sweeping under the rug thing.
My most over-used expression about myself is "there's just very little of Suzie to go around...".
I don't have a husband who is pulling me at me, just my twin toddlers, a job, running the household, trying to date, parent who helps support me financially on my back, trying to get a social life after twins, etc....
It all seems so difficult and so easy to get sucked into the idea that everybody else is capably handling all of it and more.
But, the truth is i don't know anyone who is managing nicely. I just recently started seeing a therapist myself, who, BTW, was referred to me by a friend who is a mother of 3 (10, 2 and 1 years old), married, works, etc. and she is seeing her too.
Sadly, i do not believe we can have it all and have it done well and wanting to do everything and do it well makes us feel overwhelmed when we can't.
Please know you are not alone. There are plenty of us out here floundering.
I am sending you {{{{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}.
Remember all you have survived in your life and it will give you the strength to get through this. You are truly G & D and i have every faith that you will get through this period.
Glad to see you are finally seeking out some help to deal with things. Took me a loooooooooooong time too. Never could figure out why it was perfectly fine for me to see a specialist for everything else except my psyche?????

[SheilaC]

Good for you, Tertia. Well done going to see a therapist, and thank you for posting about it. Sharing your experience may help others who might have the same doubts about going to seek help if needed.

Asking for help is always hard, and there is a societal prejudice against those who choose to seek counselling, therapy, or medical remedies for emotional issues and mental health. So unreasonable!

Be kind to yourself! You have been through so much in the past few years, huge life-changing events and losses and stresses. You have a high-stress job, and young twins, and that alone would make life difficult.

I have found counselling very helpful in the past for depression and anxiety. It's a great tool to use when needed. Hang in there, and I hope you will be feeling (and coping) better soon.
Best wishes,

[em]

All I want to say is "you are not alone". I regularly have sessions with a therapist and find it very helpful (I deal with depression and anxiety and take medication for both). You are not a loser - you are human - and you've got a lot on your plate. I think you have made a wise decision to talk to someone and I'm sure it will help.

Em

PS Don't forget that appearances can be very deceiving - and some people who appear to be happy and have it all together, aren't that way at all.

[Coral]

I can say no more than the previous comments. We ALL feel like this at some stage in our lives. You will get over it. You are a very strong woman, and remember we, in your computer, love you. Big hugs.

[Amnesia]

My husband works for IBM and loves it there. You will have so many opportunities as it is a huge company.

Feeling like a failure because you need help is silly. You are doing the right thing. Being a mom, career woman, and wife is hard. Some of us just ignore the pressure and hope it will go away instead of getting help.

[Dona]

I'm so excited to be one of the (possible) first to respond. I thought of you today when I saw a bumper sticker that said,"Caution:Mom of twins. I nap during red lights". I got sick when my 2 were little (that are 2 years apart)and my husband had to stay home and care for them...and it was honestly the most restful time of my life-and I stay at home!!!!!

I've only now sucked it up and started seeing someone. I only wished I had done it earlier.

Trust me, giving birth is the easy part of all this!

[cath]

T,

as you know ive recently started therapy too. darling, it is only the bravest of us that can admit to having a problem and doing something about it. you rock and are amazing. well done. xxxx

[Jul]

I'm so glad for you that you're taking this step. There's still something of a stigma about therapy, and damned if I know why. My former therapist put it best - therapy isn't so much a crash-course in fixing a problem as it is higher learning for one's emotional health. Therapy helped me get through a pretty awful experience, yes, but more importantly, it helped me develop tools to deal with the NEXT big thing which comes around the pike!

Hee hee... Papa Thumbscrews' first job was as a typewriter repairman for Big Blue. I believe that was back when they still had even physical labor-intensive employees wear a shirt and tie and recite a company loyalty oath every day.

[Jillian]

Maybe try some anti-psychotic meds, mixed with a fistfull of xanax. Usually works for me. At least it takes the jitters off and lets me focus on getting things done. Glad you're seeing a therapist... they help quite a bit. :-) Good Luck!

[Judy]

Why does seeing a therapist have to carry such a stigma for us? I love what you have said here in this post. I just wish everyone else in the world would see it that way, too.

Kudos to you for taking a HUGE step towards taking care of yourself - which is the best gift you can give your family. ((((HUGS))))

[Erin]

I feel the same way ... I'll get expert help on everything from changing my car's oil to any ache or pain, but I don't even seem to realize when I need mental help. I guess it's because it's so intensely me, the only part that isn't visible to experts and strangers, it feels like I'm the only one who really knows what's going on and how to make it better. Except not really. So good for you for helping yourself!

Also -- welcome to IBM! I became "New Blue" three years ago on October 1st ... they do like those "1" dates!

[Moxie]

I think you never really did deal with the loss of Ben. You went on ADs so you could function, but you never really had the chance to go through the whole cycle of grieving for him before you were stuck in your terrifying pregnancy with Adam and Kate.

It's been a lot of really traumatic stuff backing up for a long time. And you've been self-medicating with wine for a long time.

I hope your therapist can help you get to the bottom of your feelings so you can start to heal and really come to yourself again.

I also wouldn't be surprised if you're physically depleted. I think most mothers are walking around with taxed adrenal systems just from the everyday stress and lack of sleep of motherhood.

Good luck, Tertia. You're putting on your oxygen mask to hep save all of you now.

[jodie]

Woa Moxie, that's pretty brutal!

Good on you Tertia for coming out and letting us know you're having therapy. I need it badly, but have never taken that step. Honestly, your post has made me think more about it.

Your life is crazy hectic, but it will get easier as the years go by. You're doing a fantastic job, really. The way I look at mothering in the early years is that no-one does it perfectly, you can only score yourself on the "how much better than totally fucked up am I doing?" scale.

[Moxie]

Brutal? How? I wasn't trying to be harsh at all. Just acknowledging that T's had a long, shitty trip, and I'm glad she's getting help for herself because she deserves it.

[Louise]

Proud of you for making this step forward. I think it will be a good step not only for you and your family, but a good thing for many of your readers to consider. You may not know it, but you are an example to so many.

And welcome to Big Blue! I wonder how many of your readers work there?! There are over 300k employees ww. :-)

[Mel]

I think you just did a huge service for women everywhere--therapy ISN'T a desperate measure or notch on a sliding scale of togetherness. Therapy is a valid way to treat a problem. I mean, how often do you wait until a situation is at a crisis before dealing with it? Never! If you were fainting, you would go see the doctor rather than wait for...a coma. You would see the doctor after the first or second time fainting even though, in general, you still felt fine and could make an argument that you couldn't possibly need a trip to the GP. And your mental health is like that too. Why wait until everything falls apart when you can deal with it at a much more managable level?

And the grass always LOOKS greener on the other side, but often the lawn is just as chewed up and baked when you jump the fence. All those women who you think have it together probably spent some time in their cars crying this week. I'd like to find a woman who is parenting after IF who doesn't have moments of sadness and anxiety. And find me another mother of twins who doesn't feel overwhelmed as if she is spinning too many plates. Believe me, as a mother of twin toddlers, I hear you. They are pure joy--but add in all the other facets of life (work, husband, home, self...) and even pure joy can become something causing anxiety.

Congratulations on therapy. It's a great step.

[Monica]

Oh, I totally loved that Desperate Housewives episode. And sure...I'd pop ritalin too if I could find some! Good grief, it's stressful trying to keep up with my three toddlers. And I'm old! Too old to keep up with 3 20-month old energetic monkeys. That's another thing IF screwed me on. Most moms my age have kids in elementary school at least. I have to drag my old, fat, childbirth-ravaged body up out of the floor to chase mine down. And I'm never in time.

Hang in there, dear. At least you're gorgeous.

[Orange]

Good for you, Tertia. If I were as realistic an asshole as you, I'd be in therapy too.

[Sarah Willson]

I greatly appreciated this post. In fact, I appreciate all of your posts, but this is the first on which I've commented. I believe that in order to get the most out of treatment, one has to determine why they're seeking treatment and what they hope to achieve, although I started because of crying jags! I started therapy over two years ago to address work and relationship issues, and over the past year have focused almost exclusively on my and my husband's struggles with infertility and IVF. Now that we are pregnant (15 weeks, still holding my breath), I've considered stopping therapy. I feel happy and increasingly distant from the dark cloud that I felt surrounded me as I did IUI after IUI, IVF#1, FET, and IVF #2. My body (at least for now) is no longer a constant source of surprise and disappointment. But I know that new worries, insecurities and old family issues are lurking in the background and that if I start addressing them now, I, my husband, and hopefully our child will benefit. So thank you for writing about your own efforts to work at things before they blow up to crisis point. Best regards.

[rebecca]

You are absolutely doing the right thing! It's really wise of you to look for help now, before you do get depressed and lose the ability to laugh. I think it's a great step that you are taking and will only benefit you as well as your whole family.

Love your honesty - that's why I keep coming back. :)

[victoria]

Oh Tertia, I'm so sorry to hear it's been a struggle, but I'm glad that you're kind enough to yourself to take care of this.

[Jody]

I'm glad you're getting help where you need it.

I think every mother under-estimates the amount of stress that comes just from being a parent, never mind all our other adult responsibilities.

I just caged this list from a book and posted it on my website a week ago:

"The following list from the book When Anger Hurts [1989] ... describes the working conditions of your job as parent.

1. Long Hours.
2. Children are incredibly messy.
3. Children are noisy.
4. Caring for children requires that you do many repetitive and time-consuming tasks.
5. Children are self-centered.
6. Children push the limits.
7. Children need tremendous amounts of attention and approval.
8. Children require vigilance.

With all that to carry, it would be only fair if parents were exempt from the other stresses of life. But being a parent is only one of the roles you fulfill. You must also face the everyday stresses of being an adult in the world."

Throw in any kind of trauma or grief and no wonder you had to pull over to the side of the road.

I hope the job transition goes smoothly!

[MommyWannabe]

You know, every time I go through one of those times (and one is approaching soon, I can feel it on the horizon, like little storm clouds except folk music on repeat and tiny screams), I feel like such a fucking failure. Because no one else goes through this. Everyone else seems capable at life, why can't I be?

But, honey, everyone's faking. Everyone's just as scared and panicked and seemingly incapable as you and I are. And they're all wondering why we seem to keep it together so well, when their worlds are falling down around them and they think they can't take another breath without hitching sobs.

We're all equally fucked. I don't know whether that's a comfort or not, but at least we're not alone, right?

[Emmie (Better Make It A Double)]

Good for you, Tertia. I think most mothers of multiples could probably use a little counseling at times, and you've had way more than your share of crap to deal with. You are very hard on yourself too. Oh, and what Jody said..

[legalmama]

I feel so overwhelmed by my life as a lawyer, mother of twins and a now-kindergartner, wife, sister, daughter, friend that I don't think I could possibly fit in going to therapy! Good for you for doing it. I've been in therapy twice, once when going through infertility, mostly to deal with my intense jealousy toward a friend who got pregnant on her first try just as I was having my second (IVF) miscarriage, and the second time to deal with depression during my twin pregnancy. I LOVE therapy, but for whatever reason it is hard to get myself to do it. Good for you!

I hope the Big Blue thing turns out to be great for you, but I can imagine that that was very stressful for you.

[Danie'l]

I find it odd how sometimes you write up a post that relate to how I am feeling at the current time. I dont have kids, I haven't been to a Re or anything like that yet. Blah blah blah... But the thing is I have been very depressed and stressed and just not happy. And I, like you, feel like so many others have it so much worse and they "cope"... what the hell is wrong with me? I feel like I dont want to see someone about it because there are so many more people who actually need that person's help more than I do... and what if the Dr thinks I am just a whinney bitchy person... That's all....

D

[jodie]

Moxie, I was just thought it might not be too comforting for Tertia to be told she hasn't dealt with Ben's death (I'm sure she knows if she has or hasn't, and it seems to me she confronts it every day) and to also be told that she's self medicating. Just seemed a little harsh to bring those two things up like that, especially Ben.

I'm not trying to start an argument, especially not on such an important topic. I know you're a friend of Tertia's and I'm sure you're very supportive and probably understand her better than I do.

[Stephanie]

Delurking to say thanks for this post. I'm another one who can't figure out why she can't seem to cope as well as others appear to, those who technically have it worse. I've been putting off getting back into therapy for awhile (the effort involved in finding one feels like too much). It helps so much to hear others own up to these feelings. Thank you.

[juliette]

I am so sorry you are feeling like this. You are SO NOT a loser and a failure!!! You are a wonderful mother and you just need some time out. I was having panic attacks and the works; the doctors put me on medication but I reacted badly to it. I now attend yoga and meditation once a week and have opted to put little Jake in care one full day a week where I have the day to myself. Needless to say I received a lot of flak for that one from the helpful family; I think they are jealous. I don't care; I had to do it and I have been feeling a lot better lately. You have an enormous amount on your plate and feeling off is not going to help your cause.

Can you take a couple of days off for Tertiatherapy; eg go to a day spa or similar? How do you feel about trying yoga and the likes. I used to scoff but gee it really works.

All the best, take care of your dear self.

Juliette

[juliette]

one more thing; people may appear to cope but once you get talking the truth comes out. There is not ONE mother in my parent group who is finding life easy and NONE of them have twins or a job like you do!!! xxxxx

[L.]

Only you know what`s going on inside your head. Listen to yourself!

And feel better.

(And put Marko on a plane...to me...NOW!)

[Priscilla]

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}} to Tertia, and a cup of Black Pearl tea in the little triangle baggie things.

It's funny--we hold ourselves to a much tougher standard than we would hold any other human being on earth. We have to be perfect mothers, perfect wives, perfect employees, perfect family members, perfect...perfect...perfect. If we aren't able to handle the enormous plateful we've taken, we call ourselves failures and compare ourselves in a negative light to every other woman we know.

I was a stay-at-home mom, but this only meant that I got to handle all of the errands and appointments my "working" relatives couldn't do--caring for my ageing parents while dragging three little spotless kids behind me all the time. And then there was the guilt: if I wasn't "working" outside my home, then I had to be a perfect SAH mom, constantly at the kids' school and at the neighborhood committee, volunteering for more than I could possibly handle, heaping more and more on my plate until it became as unmanageable as that of my "working" friends and relatives.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we have to take on the weight of the world and then add a little more just for good measure? Are we "successful" or "accomplished" by the toll every day takes on us physically and emotionally? And by whose standards are we judged? Are we really running toward lifetime goals, or are we running away from the fear of failure?

Heavy stuff, ladies. Very heavy.

[mijk]

This mom copes because of her therapist! So go girl you serve it.

[Faith]

Oh, Tertia.....Long time no see. But aside from that, I'm a SAHM with one child, and I can't hold it all together. The fact that I've been in 2 serious car accidents and I'm 40 with a 21 month old doesn't make it any easier. Sometimes I wonder if working Moms's have it better because they get a break from thier kids. Meanwhile working mom's are wondering if I have it better. The truth is, we ALL take on too much, no matter what our basic situation in life is. We all expect too much from ourselves. I'm back in therapy, and I'm back on Zoloft. I'm not feeling an ounce of shame over it. Life is too short. If these things help keep me sane and happy, I'll take it.

Faith
(And P.S.- I'm meeting up with a lot of dads who are having to do the same thing too.)

[Suzie-Q.]

Did i forget to mention my the anxiety attacks i have every single flipping morning when i wake up as i lie in bed?
Or, that i am 45 and an single mother by choice with 19.5 month old twins?
Or, that i am out of $$ ?
Or, that beteen IVF, pregnancy, being SAHM for over a year, having car accident including broken neck and fusion for same just after relocating to a small mountain resort town to change my lifestyle to make it easier to raise a family where there are no jobs (especially after 9/11) just prior to my accident put me out of my field of work for the past 6 years so no one will hire me... and have to re=invent myself.
Or, that i can't get a date as an only parent of twin toddlers and 100% custody..
Or, that i still haven't managed to lose the baby weight and, in fact, am putting some back on now...
????
Or, that i had to get my third round of cortisone injections into my elbows today and now need physical therapy 2x a week for chronic tendonitis from lifting the twins?
Or, that i frequently self-medicate with wine and long-acting xanax at the same time?

And almost the entire world thinks i have it together...

Tertia~
you are in good company!!!
xoxo
Suz

[Lisa S]

Tertia, I feel the same way so much of the time. I think it's a working mom thing, although I think SAHMs have their own struggles to deal with. But as a working mom I definitely feel stretched too thin, like I'm trying to do too much, can't keep up, etc. And I too have had a very stressful time at work lately, as in too much work and too little of me to do it, and a husband who is overseas half the time.

I went on Lexapro for PPD nearly 2 years ago and although I feel like I am sooooo far past that experience (i.e., madly in love with motherhood and child, etc), I am afraid to go off the meds b/c I can't even imagine how stressed I would be without it.

Sending you hugs and a big glass of vino. You're not alone!!

[Ritalin Prescription Medication]

My name is Nikki Hughes and i would like to show you my personal experience with Ritalin.

I am 51 years old. Have been on Ritalin for 9 years now. I began taking it for depression after my marriage ended, and also in a misguided attempt to lose weight! I lost about 15 pounds at the beginning, had tons of energy, felt great...but the weight loss stopped within a few months.. I currently feel focused and motivated after I take it and am able to get a lot done. As well as the generic ritalin, I take 6 - 12 Tylenol 1 tablets a day. I know how bad this is, but can't seem to stop for more than a few days. The last nine years seem to be a blur...it's like I have lost those years....I hardly remember anything about them. I find this sad and frightening. I take what my doctor prescribed: three 10mg. tablets a day. I have tried many times to completely get off this drug but I now realize that I am truly addicted to it. If I stop taking it for more than one day I become extremely depressed and have very negative, hopeless thoughts and ideas.

I have experienced some of these side effects-
very irritable when it wears off; sometimes difficult to fall asleep, memory loss, hear music in my head that won't stop.

I hope this information will be useful to others,
Nikki Hughes