Love languages

 A while back I did a post on how I have this ‘friend’ who is very sentimental and liked special occasions and gifts etc and how I just could not relate to it.  Remember? In reply a few of you mentioned the book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman.  So I got the book. Because you know I always listen to you.

 The book speaks about how there are basically five ‘love languages’, five fundamental ways of expressing love.  These are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch (which does NOT mean just shagging, it is about physical expressions of love, touch etc).  The premise of his book is that if you aren’t communicating to your partner in the love language of their choice, the language that makes them feel loved, then they wont feel loved and their ‘love tank’ will be empty.  And then you will end up hating each other, growing apart and either having an affair or divorcing.  Ok, not the last past. I put that part in my own words.  His words use much softer lighting.

 It sounds a little naff, I don’t usually read touchy-feely, self-help’ish / guide type books but you said it was good and so I decided to get it.  And it actually does make sense. The idea is fairly simple and common sense, but then again, the best, most powerful ideas usually are.

 It kind of seems obvious, if you think about it.  What might be special and meaningful to you might seem silly or totally unimportant to me.  I was keen to read the book to see if I could learn from it.  As I am sure is the case in plenty of marriages with young babies, things have been a little rocky of late.  Nothing serious, but well, you know. The words murder and divorce have flashed across my mind.

 As I was reading I was trying to figure out what my love language was, and what Marko’s was.  And as I read I thought ‘eh oh’.

At the end of the book there is a self-assessment quiz for the husband and the wife to do, to work out what your primary love language is.  And as I suspected, the results were as follows:
 

                                   

	Words of Affirmation	Quality Time	Receiving Gifts	Acts of Service	Physical Touch
Marko	6	11*	0	5	8
Tertia	11*	6	0	8	5

 
Marko’s primary love language is Quality Time and his secondary language is physical touch.  My primary love language is Words of Affirmation and my secondary one is Acts of Service. 

 Great.  Just great. 

 We speak different languages. It explains every thing.

 Aarrghhh, not quality time!! I hate that one. I don’t have time. And physical touch? I am all touched out.  And as for my love language – I married the least chattiest guy around. 

 Sigh. Is there any hope for us?

 Obviously things are not that bad, but the book has actually opened my eyes a little.  It was fun doing the quiz and we had a good chat afterwards, teasing each other and joking around, but still getting our feelings across.

 I can’t actually believe he wants to spend time with me!  That’s the last thing I feel like – “quality time”, I am BUSY, I have a million things to do, I don’t have time for quality time.  But yes, for the sake of my husband, I will make some time.  Fuckerama, why couldn’t his love language be Words of Affirmation, I am good at that shit. Quality time – not so much.

 As for him, I think I need to help him understand how important it is to me for him to use good, loving words.  He doesn’t, not nearly enough.

 I must say when I first started reading I thought “oh fuck, my marriage is doomed!”  It actually freaked me out. I thought what chance do we have if we are two such totally different people.  But then when we did the quiz (I can’t believe he agreed to do the quiz, he hates shit like that) and were joking around afterwards I felt a lot better.

 It is obviously all contextual and dependant on where you are in your life.  At the moment, things like him helping me is more important to me than spending time with him, to ME at least.  But to him, because of the babies taking up all my time, quality time is an issue for him. 

 The book can be a bit wanky in places, but on the whole it is actually an interesting read.  I must say I learnt a lot about myself and about my marriage through it.  Simple stuff that might have been obvious to others but I didn’t see it.  And some other really deep stuff also made sense to me.  Stuff that I wish I could tell you about, but I can’t.  But a light went on for me.

 Oh, and another thing that is really interesting, is that I realized that I am communicating in a language that is totally unimportant to Marko – Acts of Service.  I used to get so pissed off with him when he seemed so unappreciative, but I guess it makes sense now.

 It’s a short book, with a simple premise, but I must say I enjoyed it. It makes me want other people in my life to do the quiz, so that I can understand what their primary love language is. I am making my mom and dad do it. But I want to hear their answers to their quiz, so they have to wait for me to be there.  I told my sister about it and she is so excited because the author is a happy-clapper as well.  He does mention Jesus a bit in the book but I just skipped over those pieces. 

 Ok, enough about the book – I’ve just done a free book review!  Blah!

 Instead of that, tell me, if you’ve read the book, what is your primary love language? (I've done a poll on this)  And, is there any hope for two people who have completely opposite love languages?

 And why oh why did I get the husband with the bloody quality time and physical touch?  Damn luck. 

Comments

[MamaChristy]

I haven't read this book, but it's one my list of books to get in the future. I used to work with a lady and she read it to understand her children better. Her son is a "Receiving Gifts" and when he went off to college she made sure to send him care packages every six weeks or so. She could tell him that she loved him a thousand times, but that box of inexpensive goodies that he couldn't get at school really drove the point home.

Knowing is half the battle when it comes to a good relationship. Now that you know that Marko needs more of your time, you can make sure to give him a little more. Now that he knows that you need kind words, he can give you that. You can work it out!

[Leah]

Very interesting. I think I'll check it out.

[Jessica]

Did you know Tertia dear that they have the same book geared towards children?!?!? Its great!!! You should read that one too!!

[Judy]

My primary is acts of service and my lowest score was physical touch. DH's primary is OF COURSE physical touch and his lowest score was on receiving gifts. We are polar opposites. But, I loved the book. It really helped strengthen our marriage because now we know exactly what the other person loves. It isn't about liking the same things. It is about acknowledging what your partner needs and meeting that need.

It is a really good book!

[rynomi]

I just finished reading that book and found it interesting that you had just read it as well. I too liked what it had to say, opened my eyes to my relationship with my husband. Although, now that I know his love language it makes me responsible to actually speak it to him!!! We aren't the same love languages either but I think learning to speak a different love language is good for us. I just started the "Five love languages for children" and I hope that it gives me some insight into how to speak well to my kids. It does say that if your kids are under five they probably won't give you a clear picture of how they receive love best so just make sure you are doing all five.

[Accidental Poet]

My primary love language is gift-giving, my husband's is acts of service. The thing that is interesting in our case is that he interprets acts of service as "providing for his family" when it's him, and housework or bringing him a cold drink when it's me. So I would go grocery shopping and buy him a wee treat and it wouldn't mean a darned thing to him, BUT if he brings me a wee gift when he's been out - here comes the physical touch ! (his secondary love language ;)

We're completely opposites and it's helped us both a whole lot to understand where each other is coming from.

[katie]

Mine is physical touch and secondary is words of affirmation. My husband is quality time and words of affirmation. I'm so thankful that he is gracious in telling me all the the things he appreciates. Now that you know, you guys can switch up and do what you need to for each other. That is if Marko doesn't think it's totally dumb (or naff, I think you say?).

[Sarah]

I got the book as a wedding gift, and totally loved it. It helped me not only understand how to love my husband, but made me realize what I like and want to. Its a great book, I highly reccommend it as well. My primary is physical touch, and secondy is recieving gifts. My DH is Words of affirmation and quality time...

[Stacey]

Coming out of lurkdom to say that this book is awesome! We are absolute opposites as well, and what the book has done is just open our eyes to how the other interprets actions to be love (or not). He is a touch, and all I have to do is just squeeze his shoulder as I walk past him and that makes him feel loved! It blows me away! All this time, I've been trying to show him I love him by doing tasks (cooking meals, etc) and while he thinks it's nice, he doesn't see it as "love". But I was seeing it as something I would take as a loving gesture.

The book was an eye opener and made my husband and I both become more sensitive to each other's "love language".

[Katerina]

I feel your pain Tertia. My husband's primary love language is Acts Of Service and I *hate* housework. Mine is Quality Time, and between a full time job and three kids, I don't get that much either. Luckily our secondary language is both Physical Touch, so a good shag makes up for the rest!

[Cam]

I read this book about a year ago. It was sent to me by a friend. It helped my relationship with my husband more than anything ever has. We read it together. I agree that it doesn't matter if you have the same love language. The key is knowing the other's love language and using it. The results have been amazing to me. I've given this book to several others now. What a great idea for a wedding gift.

[Dona]

Funny thing. My parents were in a Sunday School class years and years ago and they dealt with this very thing. I don't know if this was the book they used...BUT, as a high schooler my mom talked to me about it and helped me understand that "Acts of Service" was my dad's love language. Getting just that tiny bit of insight into my parents really helped and I've been able to take that insight and knowledge with me into most relationships I've had. I think I'll look into the children's version. Oh, and I'm acts of service by the way.

[mijk]

Do the quility time thing. It is wordth it. It actually is fun (we booked a babysitter twice a month n husband insisting and we have been known to just drive the car for an evening and talk (So nice to drive without yelling from the backseats..) Babysitter thought we were crazy (17 year old with a big social life) but we loved it..

[Miranda]

I respond well to a combination of time, words and touch. A good thing because Beloved does those best. Even better because his favourite to recieve, acts of service, time and words are what I do best! Somehow it all works out in the end :)

[giddy]

Mine is quality time (secondary, words of affirmation). My husband's is acts of service, don't remember the secondary. The only thing we line up on is that neither of us cares a whit about gift-giving. I mean, I enjoy putting Xmas gifts together for others, etc., but I honestly don't care if entire holidays pass and no presents appear. We rarely give each other anything for anniversaries, Valentine's Day, etc. (If anything, we'll come home from a store having purchased something a BIT expensive and just say, "This is kind of expensive, so it can be for our [insert next holiday]")

Anyway, I think quality time IS a huge challenge with kids. I know it's my primary love language but despite that I often put my "alone time" ahead of quality time with my husband. After the kids are in bed, I only have so much time to get things done before *I* go to bed..... Often, just his recognizing that we haven't had quality time, though, will be enough to reassure me that all is well. Maybe that will help Marko too. And maybe, given the circumstances of life right now (kids 6 and 1), I am willing to forego quality time, until the young one is a little older and better able to self-entertain (and like you, I work outside the home, so the time I have in the evenings is primarily for the kids!).

Periodically we do try to enforce "more quality time," as mijk suggests--and invariably other social engagements get in the way and then we fall out of the habit. (Or we get tired of our dates that consist of going out to eat and then to the local home center to look at tools and plants and what-have-you---it's a big joke for us!)

[Lyns]

I have read the book...more than once in fact!! I even lead a book study on it with other marriage couples...an international small group...aussies, americans, british, chinese....
YES!! It is very possible to have a sucessful marriage and not "speak the same language"... my husband and I do not (althought i encourage you to take the quiz throughout your marriage b/c often times when one take becomes full another one realzes its empty and needs filling..) Yes, I am saying that your primary language may change as you become mulit-lingual....

It is challenging to learn how to "re love" your husband esp if his language is different than how you reecieve love....but you can make it lots of fun... try to find little creative ways that you squeeze in quality time...maybe its turning off the TV after the kids are in bed so you can talk, maybe its recuritin grandparents for a weekly date night, a few hours where you can go to all those places you used to go befoe kids...or see other friends...or just have the house to yourself with out the kids!!! Quality doesn't mean frantically plan something geared just for him....he wants YOUR QUALITY...not just your time!!!

NO matter your language open coummication is key.... not just being able to YELL what is NOT happeing, but being able to respect each other and keep talking about how xyz makes you feel and what you need... (that is where the Jesus bits are helpful)

I can assure you that the more you fill Marko's tank the more he will want to fill yours...the words of affirmation will start to flow from his mouth (it works both ways...the more he fills your tank the more you will want to spend time with him and touch him!!) Its kind of funny to watch or track...you won't even realize it but one day soon you'll be blogging about this "new" husband you have...suddendly you'll be being loved the way that you need and your marriage will change...all for the better!!!!

I hope this helps... like I said be open to reevaluation 6-9 months down the road... its a great exercise to keep the converstaions open... most people think that men don't need this stuff... food and sex will do...but that is not true...they want to be figured out just as much as women do...they want to be pursued and shown love just as much as we do.... This is an exciting part of your marriage and it will only get beter from here!!! xo lyns

[ceecee]

OK, haven't read the book. But sounds like the sort of thing I'd hate. Bollocks, in fact. Naff. I'd rather talk to my husband about our relationship than take a quiz. But reading your post I do see how it could be a good tool and it's definitely given me something to think about.

[aliasweepingwidow]

I also have read this excellent book. I speak Love with Acts of Service and Giving Gifts. My late husband needed mostly with Physical Touch and Quality Time (shagging, sure, but more importantly he wanted to me close to him while watching TV, etc.) So, I tried to adjust to speak more in that language; but he also learned that acts of service or little gifts were ALSO me telling him how much I loved him.

I would also like to recommend another 'pre-emptive' book; it is very sobering, but a worthy read: The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Judith Wallerstein. For those already past that point, she has a very good "post" divorce book; can't remember the name of it right now.

Peace & Comfort to all,
Vicki

[JennG]

LOL. When Jon and I read this book prior to getting married, and again after being married for a year, we laughed. We, too, speak completely different love languages and it's been a hard adjustment. There are rough, rough times when I have to sit back, remember his love language and go for it with gusto. It's hard, and there are times when he'll do the same for me, but it really, really works!

[Jessica]

Lyns, you mean feedin' them and shaggin' them ain't enough? Damn. I've been mislead. ;-)

[steph]

i'm sold, i need to get this book just to figure out if my dh has any love language at all!! He rarely, if ever complains about anything! Perhaps I just satisfy his ever need, all the time! HA!

[Beth in Michigan]

I know that book! Interestingly enough, it was recommended to me by a cousin who was having some marital woes. At the time he was claiming it had "turned his marriage around 180 degrees." (Didn't stick, unfortunately.) We'd been married a couple of years and were interested in improving communication at that point so we gave it a skim. It's mostly anecdotal and easy to read. We found it very useful in our own relationship and even in our relationships with other family members.

I'm a very literal person and nothing says love to me more then acts of service, but I also appreciate affirmations. DH is a quality time/ physical touch kind of guy, but I think he enjoys romance more then anything. I'm still trying to learn to hold hands and look deeply into his eyes without one or both of us cracking up or making some wiseass remark. I think our love language might be sarcasm. :)

[jc]

My language is time, and my husband's is words of affection. For the last week I've been on percocet, and when I first take it I'm giddy and life is perfect. He's heard over and over that he's the best dh in the world, that he's so handsome, that he's perfect, that his nose is the best nose, his chin the best chin.... it's obscene when I think about it later, but he's been so happy this week. My language, though is hard, because I know he's busy, but that is the main way I feel loved. It's a great book, and has helped us be more understanding, and love each other better.

[millie]

I haven't read this book but we touched on very similar issues in a communication course for couples that we took years ago. I think the important thing to understand is what is 'currency' to you and your partner, so you can keep that in mind and ask for and receive what you need. Knowing about this is half the battle.

[JennyK]

Coming on the heels of a huuuuuge fight with my husband, I can't wait to get myself a copy of this book. I think it will do our marriage a world of good. Thanks for doing a public service announcement by posting this.

[Berdie]

Honey, his language is 100% Acts of Service and 0% Physical Touch, mine is 50% Words of Affirmation and 50% Physical Touch. All I've done is take the test, haven't bought the book yet but I'm gonna. What an eye opener, more for him than me I think...duh, if you were faced with my guy saying "why can't you help me out around the house?" all the time you'd have figured it out too -- but it takes that big of a bat hitting me between the eyes to "get" what he's needing. I really had no idea that it meant so much to him on such a large scale regarding our relationship.