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That site is amazing. To have a collection of so many pro-woman photos, essays, thoughts, etc in one place - it's really beautiful.

Another place that is great is http://www.unassistedchildbirth.com/. Very cool images of natural labor and breastfeeding.

Wow, what a great idea!

Small-world moment: I just realized that the owner of the site is someone I knew online a few years ago but had lost track of. It's great to "catch up" with her again!

Frankly, I struggled with it quite a lot. I found it hard not to compare and rate how I look versus the posted images, which probably makes me a narcissistic asshole.

I am 9 weeks postpartum from baby number 2, my 4th pregnancy in 5 years. I have scars from a laproscopy a year ago, done to remove a burst left tube along with an ectopic pregnancy. Although I've lost my "pregnancy weight", I tip the scales about 55 pounds more than someone my height should. I am working to establish an exercise regimen and currently healthy eating habits to go along with supporting the breast milk factory (I'm a pumping mom).

I've been tossing around taking the picture because it strikes me if I am that uncomfortable about it, it is worth exploring.

Oh Tertia, thank you so much for linking this site. The woman that started this project is a friend. I agree, it's pretty powerful stuff.

Admitting to being a narcissistic asshole here too. I was kind of caught off guard by these pictures. I have one healthy pregnancy behind me, a full-term 39+ weeks with an 8 lb. baby - the other pregnancies didn't last long enough for my belly to expand any :-(. I was 32 when he was born. I have one stretch mark, about 1 1/2 inches, and none of that wrinkly, loose skin. I don't know how I managed to avoid that. I didn't do anything to try to avoid it. I didn't know other women's tummies DO look like that post-partum. I'm neither fat nor skinny - just sort of an inbetween type. I guess I'll have to thank my mother for the good genetics on this one.

I should have added in the above comment that I am not implying that I have a tight, taut tummy now! I just have tight fat. :-D

As a 25 year old unmarried woman who has always wanted several children, I was shocked. Honestly. No one ever told me your body changes like that. I was really kind of upset after seeing those pictures - I know that when it comes time to have children, I'll be excited and thrilled and overcome with joy - but those pictures still scares me, right now. Do the majority of women's bodies change like that after pregnancy?

I love it. I sent in my pictures, but by now they've been buried since so many women have shared their stories.

I'll be honest.

As someone who never got pregnant and wanted it more than anything, and is now adopting, I find the site overwhelming and hard to look at. Mostly because it reminds me that I failed at getting pregnant and that to many people I will not be a "real" mom because I haven't given birth. I think the site is a wonderful idea, but I'm not sure I'll visit all that much.

I wonder how the site owner would feel if an adoptive mom submitted her pictures?

Infertility--and the long, stressful adoption process--has certainly changed my body.

To Sarah above and those who are scared off pregnacy by this site - it is not inevitable that your body will look like this post-partum! I don't really know about the majority of women, but I know that I look nothing like this and neither do my mom friends that I have seen. I'm 37, had my daughter at 32 and nursed for 2 years. Sure, my stomach isn't what it was at 25, but I don't have stretch marks and can still wear a bikini. My breasts are a little saggier, but nothing a good bra can't help. (I think is is beneficial if you are small breasted to begin with, mine are actually bigger than before, just a bit saggier.) Oh, also check out the real breasts site (a link is on Jo's blog), wow, that one is an eye-opener. We usually just see fake silicone-enhanced boobs, it is great to see what real ones look like.

Well, obviously, if those women on "shape of a mother" just had a little self-respect and dignity and drive, they would read "morphing into motherhood" and would CHOOSE to lose weight and do enough crunches to recover a nice flat belly. They OWE IT to their husbands! The poor bastards who are married to those cows must really feel gypped. Talk about "false advertising." Good lord. I've never seen such a collection of women who obviously lack all self-respect and dignity and have just let themselves go! What do they do, lie around eating potato chips and drinking cola all day?

Holy moly, Victoria. Please tell me you are kidding or being sarcastic.

I don't know Victoria, but from her tone I'm almost positive she's being sarcastic... referring back to the MIM debacle a few months ago about "False Advertising".

I hope Victoria is joking...

Karen, the site is called shape of a mother, you are a mother and you have a shape, go ahead, I think your pictures would be welcomed and embraced.

I'm thrilled you posted a link to this site Tertia, thank you. I'm very unhappy with my belly post baby but now I see that I'm better off than some, certainly worse than others too but I can see than every day, once I spot a woman with a child the same age as mine I size her up, if she looks fit and toned, I can't help hating her just a little bit. I try not to but hey I know she's looking at my flabby waist and thinking ha ha get thee to a gym lazy ass.

Anyway thanks, this is brilliant.

Yes, I was referring to MIM's position that fat women lack self-respect and have gypped their husbands with "false advertising" by having hotter bodies pre-marriage than post.

At 7 weeks post partum I was relieved to find that site via your blog. I have always been thin until infertility struck. I gained weight through all the treatment including 2 IVFs. The second produced my son. I gained 40 pounds during the pregnancy. I feel really fat and gross now. My belly looks a lot like some of those pictures. I have another 12 pounds to lose to get back to my pre pg weight and at least another 5 to get back to my pre-IVF. It's nice to know I am not alone. Thanks.

StacyG

Love the site. I have the loose skin on my tummy, no stretch marks. I got those on my boobs (which now hang to my knees with 2 years of breastfeeding)

:D

love that site. i have pictures that id like to send in. thank you for linking it

Karen, I posted earlier - I'm a friend of the site's creator and an adoptive mom of two. I've been looking for a creative way to participate. I *did* gain lots of weight/stretch marks during my "paper pregnancy". Nothing makes the wait pass like Key Lime Pie, right? :)

Email me! Let's put our heads together to come up with a creative way to participate.

It makes me feel normal. I love it for being real.

Sicne I had 15+ lbs of kids in me at one time, I love this site.
I am not a freak!

Kellygreen, okay, I will email you as soon as I get word that I'm "officially" a mom! (Hopefully it will be soon, or I will turn into a massive hive.)

Tertia, you said "I wish that society really really believed that these were the type of bodies that were truly revered and desirable, but I fear that is a pipedream of mine."

I think that the pregnancies these women had ARE revered and desirable by society. And I disagree on a certain level--these are also the types of bodies that are revered--fertile bodies. The irony is that whereas society might see a body that has not had a child as more physically and aesthetically "desirable" than one that has, who wouldn't trade an infertile body, no matter how good it looked, for a fertile body?

I'm sad, too, when I look at those pictures. But for different reasons. I read the words of women who say "I love my body because it could produce this perfect child." And I think, "I hate my body--not just because it doesn't look perfect, but because it produced nothing." I read things that talk about how breasts were meant for breastfeeding, and I think, "not mine." I think about what you've written, how you say " It makes me sad that this process, this rite of passage is such a permanent, scarring one. So few people go through it completely unscathed. Afterwards you are left stretched, scarred and empty." Except for the "rite of passage" part, you could be talking about my experience with infertility.

Your post has brought up a lot of feelings I have about my body and its lack. Pregnancy seems to be so much about abundance--getting big, giving life, producing food. Infertility is the opposite--it's about being barren. It's really hard to look at those pictures, though I'm so happy that those women are so proud--that's as it should be. I just wish, as an infertile woman, I could be as proud of my body.

Oops, I meant "who WOULDN'T trade an infertile body for a fertile body." Sheesh. Teach me to proofread. T, could you change that for me? Spanks.

I like the site a lot. I mean to send in pics - my stretch marks are not as spectacular as some but my shape definitely changed. I lost ass and gained belly.

I have ambivalent feelings about fertility and my body. I'm an incest survivor. But I love what my body can do for me in terms of pleasure - swimming, sex, eating, drinking, dancing. I had 5 miscarriages. Then eventually I produced two beautiful children - but one strangled during labour.

And now it is also my body that picks up my son and holds him and runs with him in the rain. So the positives add up each day, that way. And to Karen - once you have that beautiful MP you will too. Not to minimize your experience, just that layers get added onto it, I think.

I mentioned this website to my husband who interrupted with "well this can do no good" and he is right.

Thinking hard on this one...

I am with the other Karen here, this site was hard to look at. I wasn't quite prepared for all the preggo pics.
Pregnancy represents life to most, but for some of us who will never experience childbirth pregnancy represents a great sadness.
I am a mother now because of a wonderful thing called adoption. And hey - no stretch marks!

I liked this site, but some of the comments on it that I have read seem to have missed the point. It seems that most people come away feeling like their bodies are normal, and that is a good thing. But, some seem to come away feeling good about themselves only because their bodies look better. Comments like "yes I have saggy skin, but at least I don't have stretch marks"(this is only an example) only defeat the purpose of the website.

Just makes me realize how I really don't and possibly won't ever fit into this "club". 6 years of trying everything under the sun and no kids.

Kelly and Karen...I am currently paper pregnant too (as you both know LOL). I want to join your paper pregnant site!

The other site is beautiful if you gave birth to children. If you haven't given birth, it is just one more reminder that you can't give birth!

Noone is ever going to look at my fat butt and say: "Oh...but it was all for the most precious thing...a child". They are just going to look at it as a fat butt from an ADOPTIVE mother. Funny how noone acknowledges that WE ARE PREPPING FOR MOTHERHOOD TOO!

No matter how you slice it, we (adoptive parents to be) are different...and if our stomach gets flabby we are looked at as just plain ole' fat and not beautiful.

Thank you for sharing the site. I am coming to realise that I look normal for a woman who has had two children. That's not to say that I couldn't do with losing about 40 pounds, but at least I know I am not a freak.

There was a time in my life where that site would have hurt a lot to look at. After several miscarriages and years of struggling with the emotional pain of infertility, I had a hard time seeing pregnant woman. I was VERY jealous of stretch marks and pouchy tummies. That site would have left me feeling empty.

Now that I am an adoptive mom, and I know my family is complete, it's amazed me how much that kind of stuff no longer negatively affects me. I can watch childbirth on TV and cry with happiness (instead of the sad tears it used to produce), I can now rub a pregnant woman's belly and feel the glory of it all, and I can now look at the stretch marks and pouchy tummies and not feel like I missed out on anything.

I never thought I would get to this point, but it certainly is a huge relief to be here.

I was in extremely good shape after my first child and back into the bikini. I did all the pregnancy exercises. With my second I was ill with a bad kidney and then go pregnant with my third very quickly. One pieces didn't look so bad and I still didn't have trouble with stretch marks. Not in the extreme anyway and those I had faded even though my tummy was out of shape. With the 4th, he weighed 11 lbs and I only gained 13. Most of the weight I have gained has been since he was born. Most of the tummy problems are due to overeating. I have no one to blame but myself. The truth is out world!

I'm barely 5'1, 160 lbs (down 25 from post partum- after MUCH hard work, thankyouverymuchVictoria, down 40 from my weight at 40 wks pg).

I was 140 pre-Ava. Not skinny, not fat.

I love this site. I looked at it and felt this gigantic relief. I am normal. Normal, normal, normal. Normal. It gave me permission to like my body again, and applaud myself for my hard work in "becoming who I want to be", and losing weight, but still with the flab-belly and the stretch marks.

I'm thankful I found it and I've passed it on to friends, who also breathed sighs of immense relief.


Reminders of days gone by... I hope to be PG again one day soon. I feel the sadness too

Take care

This site gave me tremendous relief.

My first baby, colicboy, was 9lbs. 10oz. NOT because I had diabetes or overate. I gained a normal amount of weight (35 ish pounds). Dh was a 10 lb baby, his mom was a 10 lb baby.... in the genes I guess. Colicboy's size tore my abdominal muscles down the middle. It's called diastisis recti. The two sides of your abs just split. You get a "bummich" ...a stomach that has two "cheeks" like a butt. And there is NOTHING you can do about it. You can't fix it totally without surgery, and you can't have surgery without being done having bio kids. Exercise can improve it a little, but not much. And one great (ha ha) side effect is back pain from the lack of abdominal support.

I also got tons of stretch marks and lose saggy skin. I had a gorgeous stomach before. Did this shock me? yes it did. Did I struggle with my body after that? yes I did.

I feel for infertile women for whom this site is painful, but for me, it made me cry with relief to see other women like me. I lost ALL the weight and then some. I'm the same size. I wear the same pre-pregnancy jeans. BUT I still don't and will never look like I did before again. Take off my jeans and you see the sagging skin, massive stretch marks, and bummich.

And to answer the question above, most women's bodies do change. Some more than others, but they will change in a way that never goes back. Doesn't mean you can't wear a bikini...but you will notice some difference.

This site does so much good. I actually cried when I saw the pics. I'm not a crier.

I guess, to try to understand.... Infertiles hate their bodies for not producing a baby or feeding a baby (I gather from the above comments). Well, this fertile mom hated her body for not being able to do so without coming out "abnormal" looking on the other side. How come I didn't have a belly that "snapped back" when I lost all the weight and exercised 4 times a week? But now I know I'm not totally abnormal.

We live in an odd society. Some of you feel dissed because the site and society reveres fertile bodies. And I can understand why you feel that way.

I don't feel society reveres fertile bodies... I feel society wants candified, perky, half-pubescent bodies (but not for women to enjoy, oh no! for men, people! sex is for men!). But I'm North American, I don't know how the media portrays perfection in other cultures.

For me, the sites willingness to post "imperfection" to prove that it is NORMAL eclipses any feelings I have about my bodies ability to produce offspring. But that's just for me... for me, the relief at imperfection outweighs the fertility aspect. And I bring it up because I think the target of the site is to re-calibrate in our minds what a normal womans body looks like.

tertia - thank you so much for being honest. i too am very impressed and thankful for a site such as shape of a mother. however, viewing those pictures does add another element of apprehension to the idea of carrying a baby for me. i think honestly i just may be in shock a little, but i had no idea what the physical ramifications of having a baby were. (and i'm not thin (sz. 12) to start with - something tells me that a pregancy will show.) i guess my sadness upon viewing those photos is derived from the chasm between what we think we're supposed to strive for physically, and what the reality (or so those pictures would tell us) of your body post child birth is.

I don't really feel one way or another. I've had a child and I would like to lose some weight but then again, I did before I ever got pregnant.

When you first posted this I was going to comment that it made me feel sad (and to be honest, a little scared). I didn't because the first few commentors found the site to be positive and I thought that maybe I was just being my typical bitter infertile self. It isn't easy for me to look at somebody else's pregnant belly. It also scared me a bit to think that is what I might look like after spending 10's of thousands of dollars to have a baby. When you said "It does make me sad, in a way, to think of how it must hurt for the people who are still struggling with infertility " - all I could think was, thank god I'm not the only one. You get it - you always do.

I am dissapointed and shocked at some of the comments about the site. I know that it would hurt some people's feelings but jeez, can't we all get along without throwing in undirected but intentional comments? I don't think this site was created to intentionally hurt anyone but people will always see it that way. I, myself, most likely will not be participating and am not sure I will even visit the site but why can't we just let the site be? To me, by posting pics of your body after birth, whether ashamed or proud, is a big step in accepting your new body, because our society as a whole says that these types of bodies are not beautiful at all, which is just horrible but the awful truth. I think that is something we can all relate to.

When Shape of a Mother was featured on Salon.com's Broadsheet, the comments that followed were absolutely horrifying. So many people were describing the women who had posted their pictures as disgusting, slothful gluttons. Apparently, stretch marks and extra skin are signs of sinfulness to some. There were also women who wrote in saying they are considering not having children because they can't stand the thought of looking like the women on the site.

And so I have to disagree with the assertion that our culture reveres these bodies. Our culture loathes all women's bodies, fertile or not, when those bodies don't conform to a patriarchal standard of beauty. Maybe society approved of these pregnancies, but not in any meaningful, supportive way.

I think, Tertia, that you really nailed it when you wrote that mothers' bodies are seen as shells, damaged and hollow. The reality is we aren't empty, although we are changed. Some of those changes are appropriated by greeting cards companies, but most of them are hidden away out of shame.

I agree that society hates women's bodies. We only like the ones that are about 16-21. Girls' bodies. We don't approve of mature women...we like the fact that women have children (such a blessing, what an amazing thing!) but once a woman has had her babies, she is now disposable. Not perfect any more. Hating herself for not being perfect, despised by others for not being beautiful enough.

Sadly, this is how it goes for anyone who is not beautiful and perfect and shaped just right to start with. I have had people stop their cars just to yell insults at me. Why? I am tall and blonde and too heavy. My husband says I am beautiful too, but nevertheless, these people take the time out of their busy day to stop and insult me.

What a world. Thank God everyone is not like that. But I am afraid many are. And I don't know why. Why would a woman pull over on the side of the road to call me a "Fat bitch!"?? Why would someone think a woman with stretch marks was ugly? There's something really wrong here and that's why a site like that makes me kind of sad. Because I know there are a lot of people looking at it and deciding that these women are ugly or lazy etc.

I should start by saying that I am infertile, so admittedly my perspective may be skewed. I am 30 years old and have always made it a priority to eat well and to exercise; for my own benefit but also to remain physically attractive for my husband. (My husband would never insist that I work out or lose weight, in fact I know 100% that he will always love me regardless of how I look, but I consider it my gift to him that I do take care of my body.)
We are just now beginning the journey to adopt a child. Contrary to some of the other adoptive mothers that have commented, viewing this site didn't make me sad at all. Looking at the site was really shocking to me. I had no idea that pregnancy could leave a woman's body so scarred. I think that pregnancy and childbirth are miraculous, beautiful things, but those photos aren't beautiful to me at all. Deep down I am happy and relieved that my body will never look that way. Sadly, after reading the comments posted, somehow I am left feeling that this makes me a superficial self-centered person. Am I the only one who had these thoughts?

Re: adopting - for my own blog I'm planning on doing a nice, soft-lit picture of my heap of China dossier docs as soon as I have them all, to substitute for the traditional "belly shot."

One adoptive mom did "belly shots" where she pooched out her tummy and even had the cat's paw across it for the obligatory "sibling's hand on tummy" shot. It was hilarious - sorry I don't have the link.

re traci
i'm not infertile, but all during my childhood i was a afraid i would be. so, while i didn't go through that hardship, i did spend quite some time thinking about the possibility. at the same time, i always figured one good thing would be that my body wouldn't end up looking like my mother's. yep, that makes me feel superficial too. but, my body is important to me. more than that, beauty is important to me. very. not just physical beauty, of course, but all sorts. i'm artsy, and it's so important to me that things look nice. never mind practical (which i like too), but give me beautiful! i think this strongly influences the way i think about bodies. and yes, it is superficial, but i cannot change how important it is to me.
and so, i too was totally shocked by those pictures. i've only had half a pregnancy so far, which didn't get past week 23, and i'm back to pretty much exactly what i was before, so i obviously don't have to deal with my body changing yet. but one day, hopefully, i will. and that will be very hard, because no matter what others say, that is not beauty to me.

quite simply, I think you're sad because you don't think you'll have that pregnant belly again.

I could be wrong.

one other thing - I think I'm more forgiving of my body with this pregnancy than my last. I realize my body is giving me a beautiful gift, and doing what it is supposed to do. I am relishing in it more this time.

Had my daughter 19 years ago. I didn't get stretch marks. I've read that whether you get stretch marks or not is pretty much determined by genetics. I also didn't get very big. I wondered why, when I went to the hospital in labor, people were aghast when they looked at my stomach - now I know. I did not look like I was ready to give birth. But my daughter weighed 6 lb 4 oz (at 37 weeks) and was very healthy. And I lost all the 23 pounds I gained right away.

The point is, for those of you who look at the pix and think "I don't want that", you won't necessarily get it. Depends on your genetics. And I do think the pix are beautiful and I'm glad they have that site. This: "Yet, somehow, if I look at the marked bodies of these women, and my own, and I see the perfect, intact bodies of my children and my husband, I feel sadness." is food for thought. Strange to think that it's women's bodies that are the focus of sexual attractiveness. We're the ones wearing makeup and crippling ourselves with high heels (except I don't). And from a biological standpoint, sex is all about having babies, so we've come full circle. Hm.

I love your site and don't usually post but I couldn't resist here.
You may or may not actually read this but I thought you would like to see another facet of motherhood.
Many woman focus on the one aspect of motherhood. And regardless of what that might be for them, I think there are so many things that can happen to us as women and as mothers, that often go overlooked.
I am a Mom, a Wife and now I am the Breadwinner.
My kids range from adult to gradeschool, natural and step-children. I love all 4.
Now add a husband recently disabled, a veteran who served during Desert Storm and his father just died...on the 4th of July.
My family is about to be homeless, not because of some insane Credit Card expense or outrageous debt, but because I can't support us.
Now that's a facet I don't think anyone could have prepared for.
Thanks for listening and for writing. I love your blog, keep up the great work.
Please feel free to read my story here if you have an extra minute or 30.
http://brenda-scott.blogspot.com

I'm shocked that people are shocked. This is what huge numbers of women look like. We should be proud of our scars and marks, whether they come by pregnancy, adoption, aging, or just plain living. Our perspective is completely corrupted by what the media presents to us as a "normal" woman - very thin, very toned, white but with a tan, no stretchmarks, large perky breasts, the rest of her like a fourteen year old boy. Never mind that very few actually look like this. Never mind that the ones that do spend vast amounts of time and money on it. Think about it - if you never had to do laundry, or grocery shop, or cook, or clean, walk the dog, and had lots of cash, wouldn't you look better? I sure as hell would. So when some stupid magazine shows me that Kate Hudson is back in her skinny jeans 3 minutes after giving birth, or that Heidi Klum dared to show her face in public mere days afterwards, I endeavor not to give a shit. I try and mostly succeed to reject fascist beauty standards, but it angers and saddens me that so many other women are so tormented by this crap. Imagine what we could accomplish if we stopped. Just. Stopped. Hating, comparing, criticizing, dieting ... what if we could move around for the joy of it rather than to tone this or firm that. What if.

Just wanted to add that not all women's bodies come away from childbirth as obviously marked as those women's have. I want to make sure that my comment is not viewed as judgmental of those women's who do, because I am sure that much of it comes down to genetics and various other things out of our control - but I am 37, 8 months post-partum, had lost all my pregnancy weight (about 30 lbs) by 6 months (effortlessly - just breastfeeding), and have a relatively toned, taut belly with no stretch marks. I've not done a single situp. I've not done anything to earn this. And I could not be more astonished that I have been so, so incredibly lucky in terms of returning to the body that I had before my beautiful son entered my life. I chalk it up to good karma... Next time around I may not be so lucky - who knows??

The women who post on that blog are incredibly brave, and it's wonderful for women to see a whole range of normal.

But, I have to admit that I don't find the scarred and stretched bodies beautiful. I really can't see that. But I think that from what the women have said they are beautiful inside, and their bodies have done a beautiful job bringing babies into the world.

I got my skinny, toned and flat body back right away after my first - but after my second, oy vey, I still look 5 months pregnant. 18 months later. I wish I could change it. I'm incredibly grateful for my 2 miracle babies, and proud of what my body has done. But damn it, I would still like to look nice. My idea of nice - not what's in the magazines.

don't have the guts to go and view this today. Maybe tomorrow. Just the thought of viewing a group of bodies who have produced wonderful babies (that my body might never do) is just to upsetting for me today. But the idea is great. (Pity I have a body that looks like it has given birth!) ;-{

Well, six months into my first pregnancy I found it hard to look at that site. It was like a secret being revealed that I didn't really want to know. I guess I fall in the narcissistic asshole camp because all I could think was God, let me be one of the lucky ones and if I'm not, let me be able to afford plastic surgery.

I know that sounds shallow and awful, but those were my honest thoughts. And I wasn't a supermodel to begin with.

Most people (not all, not trying to generalize here) feel the need for a community, a safe space to share their feelings and realize that they are not alone. Tertia, you and Julie and many other women helped provide and strengthen that sense of community among women who had and are still having difficulty bearing children and building a family biologically. Bonnie Crowder is helping to provide and strengthen a sense of community among women who are ashamed by the changes in their bodies brought about by pregnancy. Looking at that site helped me to stop beating myself up about how I look and spend my time on more important things, like loving myself, my husband and my son. Everyone who looks at that site will have different and valid feelings about it, and I'm glad that there are communities where discussion and support can happen.

I felt self-acceptence and a sense of community. I posted my pregnancy pictures as a gesture of support... I think it is a wonderful site. I've had five pregnancies and three babies and in some ways I got "lucky" (no stretch marks) but my body has still changed ... it is softer now and while I don't have large amounts of excess skin the skin on my stomach isn't tight like it used be. These changes were gradual with the last pregnancy having the most impact on my body. I actually believe that the experience of motherhood (sleep deprivation, caring for three kids, never relaxing or sitting still, worrying about XYZ) has had much more impact on my body than the actual pregnancies. I'm sure I've aged much more quickly as a result of having kids - I certainly feel a lot older!

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Gute Arbeit hier! Gute Inhalte.

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