The conforming non-conformists

 

I live in Cape Town, a city flanked by oceans all around and there is a big surf culture here, especially among the youth. This sub-culture has always fascinated me.  Not just because I am SO not a surfer type (all that sea sand up your butt crack and the not washing thing is just not me), but because I find it so ironic that the surfers (like the Goths and other sub-cultures) would be so anti mainstream conformists; they positioned themselves as alternative, different, unique, very definitely non-conformists.  And yet at the same time they were the biggest conformists of them all. They all dressed EXACTLY the same (only Billabong, Island Style etc), they all hung out in the same places, listened to the same music, dated the same kind of blond, tanned, surfer-hanger-on girls.  So much for being unique and non-conformist. The same with the ‘alternative scene’, the Goths etc. Even worse!  You could wear whatever you wanted as long as it was black and baggy, you wore white pasty make up and you listened to horrible heavy rock shite.  But oh! They were so cool, so non-conformist. It used to amaze me that they never saw the irony in that. 

 

I see the same thing happening among the so called ‘non-conformist’, alternate, pseudo-edgy blogs.  There are bloggers out there who love nothing more than to decry what they consider mainstream, boring, popular blogs and bloggers.  Apparently it is cool to say you don’t like / read / buy into a blog that many others do.  Even cooler to rip into the bloggers and say crappy things about them. As if being popular or mainstream makes you a fair target for criticism. (And I am not talking about my blog, I am not nearly popular enough, although sometimes special exception is made for me) They pretend to not buy into any thing that these mainstream blogs stand for.  They don’t kiss ass, they don’t ‘go commercial / get paid for blogging / run ads’, they don’t …… (whatever it is they think is conformist), and yet, they are doing exactly the same thing, in their own way.  Forming their own little set of standards, their own operating practises and norms, their cliques.  And their faithful readers / commenters, who, by the way, accuse the commenters on the other blogs of ‘kissing ass’, do exactly the same thing to the ‘non-conforming’ blogger. Where’s the difference? All you’ve done is swap one set of norms for another?

 

It seems stupid to me. I don’t get it. So what if someone is normal, average, conformist, mainstream.  So what? If they are happy, then can it be all bad? Why is bitchy the new cool?  I don’t know, I don’t understand the need to be angry and bitchy all the time. But then again, I am just a normal, boring mainstream conformist ;-)

 

Sometimes it really is perfectly fine to be average / normal / happy. 

 

Comments

[Danie'l]

Am I seriously the 1st to comment? Wow!!

Anywho... The 1st part about the "non-conformists" really mad me laugh... I think the same thing and whenever I see one I always turn to my husband and say "Hey there is one of those diffrent people, just like the rest of em"... I crack myself up everytime... my husband shakes his head....

I can't really relate to the blog thing as my life is FAR to boring to blog about.

Anyhow, wonderful post! I check your site everday just like a good semi-lurking stalker hahaha

D

[heather]

your post reminds me of the old dr seuss story about the sneetches...where the ones with stars on their bellies are the "cool" ones, so the ones without find a way to get stars on their bellies, so the "star" sneetches find a way to have theirs taken off...it's a viscious circle...i guess some people feel a definite need to be different or dissenting.

[Laura(southernxyl)]

Nonconformist conformists are always funny. I always think that each toddler thinks he is the first human to discover the universe, but really teenagers are just the same - each new wave of teenagers is the coolest ever, and all previous waves were just rehearsals.

As for me, I just do my thing. If I'm one of millions or all by myself, I don't care.

[Judy]

I don't blog to conform or to be a non-conformist. I blog to keep my family informed of the kids now that we no longer live near any of them. If that is conformist, I'm all for it.

I loved the first part of this entry - how TRUE! There's a gal I know at church - she's about 12 or so - and she is always talking about not being a part of the "norm". But, when I look at her, that is exactly what she is - the norm! Looking from the outside in, your vision is ALWAYS much clearer.

[jill]

the surfer-hanger-onner-girls - we call them Surf Bettys. It's very fun to say, and it can apply to any nameless/faceless hanger on.

I'm 34, and I was pseudo Goth in high school. Now I teach high school, and the Goths anre still there, pained by all the suffering in the world and trying to non-conform. I amuse myself by calling them Baby-Goths. They don't like it.

[Schnozz]

I've thought about this a lot, because I'm always wondering why people just can't leave other people the hell alone, and really I think that some bloggers don't know how to grow up or even that they need to.

But yeah, I'm not a fan of the latest trend either. "I'm quitting reading all these blogs because they suck now, what's up with that?" and "Blogs just aren't what they used to be." All I'm ever thinking is, "Uh, yeah, your blog included, because I remember when you didn't spend all your time taking shots at other people."

Well said!

[Elizabeth]

Yes! I grew up in Southern California and felt the same way about the surfers (and the Goths, lol)! Being a true non-conformist is difficult and rare, and being a 'non-conformist' just to be contrarian doesn't make sense (it just makes you a rebellious teenager!). I have no idea what blogs you're referring to but I have no doubt that this phenomenon exists in the blogosphere as well. You rock, Tertia. Had to say it!

[Sharon]

Tertia, me being the ass-kisser conformist, I must say you are such a normal, boring mainstream conformist. Thanks for the company. Love it.

From someone who is perfectly fine to be average / normal / happy.

*Although my husband might not agree to normal.

[Coral]

Remember when you were a kid and dad said, If you have nothing good to say, don't say it? That is the way I feel about people critisising on blogs, why ruin someone else's day, because you don't agree? Leave it. You are allowed to have different opinions, dress styles and sexuality. It may give you something to think about, anyway.

[amelia]

ok just to add something here, "real" Goth music isn't that heavy/screaming music, more along the lines of The Cure, Bauhaus, Sisters of Mercy. None of these bands sound like "heavy rock", honestly they're more queer sounding that anything. Just a common misconception out there I guess

[Menita]

I was going to comment something else but then I read Jill's comment about "Baby-Goths" and now I am giggling and can't remember what I was going to say. Baby Goths. Tee-hee.

[Flicka]

Great point, Tertia! I couldn't agree more. If that makes me one of those danged conformists...well...so be it!

[e]

The older I get, the more I realise that we never get out the primary school playground. It's amusing and sad at the same time.

The only difference is that as far I can tell, the roles in adulthood are pretty much reversed- ie the popular bitches at school are all sitting behind the tills in their home town fifteen years later, whereas the mouses (mice?) are often successful and living far away.

Bitter, moi?

[Kim]

I agree with what you say and why does everything have to be so black and white to some people as well. Through your blog and other blogs I have found out about yet other blogs. Sometimes I click around just to see what people are chatting about and if it is interesting or not. I don't click on a blog because I wish to follow a 'way of life' or be part of a clique but just to see if anything interesting is being chatted about. I have commented a few times and don't get many or any replies on some which is OK but when someone only has a couple of comments on their blog anyway you do wonder why they don't bother to reply. It has crossed my mind whether they check up on you via ISP addresses or identity,email address etc and realise that you have commented before on a blog of someone they don't like so they group you as a follower of that person (and of course probably only looking at their blog to spy or cause trouble)and so won't reply. I don't know for sure and I don't want to think about it too much. I just hope its not the case and just my imagination.

[Kez]

I wear chain store clothes, married my first boyfriend, and live in the suburb that I grew up in. I work for the Government and I named my son one of the top 20 names. I listen to chart music and read crime novels.

When we got married, the celebrant asked us what we liked most about each other so she could incorporate them into our vows. My husband-to-be promptly said that what he loved most about me was my individuality.

Howzat, hey? Seems I became a non-conformist individual by *not* trying to be "different"!

[GM]

What cracks me up lately are the "freegans," people who live off the useable food thrown out by restaurants and grocery stores. Especially upscale restaurants and health food stores. They decry the culture of waste and overconsumption. Meanwhile they are literally living off the results of that lifestyle - if people didn't waste so much food, these guys would have to pay for their food like everybody else! They might have a better chance at making their point if they just organized an effort to distribute the food to the truly needy instead.

GM

[SusanG]

I went to a university with one of the largest networks of social fraternities/sororities. I wasn't too interested in joining up, but even more amusing to me was that we also had a group called ISA. What does ISA stand for? Independent Student Organization. It's a group for students to join who are against joining groups.....

[2121stCenturyMom]

Why is bitchy the new cool is a very good and very important question. Whatever the reason (TV sitcoms, blogs, anonymous internet discussion groups...) it is ruining our culture.

I don't read any blogs that do what you are talking about and wasn't aware of the problem and I am very glad of that.

[libby]

Tertia-
You continue to impress me with how intelligent you are. Perhaps it's because I usually agree with your opinions. ;o)

[ChiKat]

I think there are two types of bloggers out there. The first are the people who like to write and make their personal journal public. The second type of people also like to write and make their journal public, but in addtion to that, they believe they are part of a MOVEMENT. And they are very interested in defining that movement and protecting that movement. The movement might be "no ads!" or "all ads all the time!" or "no mommy blogs!" or "not making your own banner makes you a loser!" or...etc. You get the idea.

The movement people have a mission. Any blogger who doesn't share that movement is in the way.

[anne nahm]

De-lurking :^). It seems most bloggers or readers, when asked directly, support the 'bloggy live and let live love' mindframe.

But that also sometimes seems like niceness icing on a very clique-y cake. Or at least the fear of some spectre group of bloggers who constitute a great bitchy "Them" out there.

I don't know what to make of it, but maybe that's because I haven't been at it too long. I did notice this:

http://annenahm.com/?p=132

At any rate, thanks for bringing up this issue. I am interested in reading more of your comments to see what people have to say.

[christa]

When I was in high school in the mid 90s, being "alternative" was cool, which pretty much involved buying the majority of your clothing at thrift stores and listening to the alternative radio station. I was alway too preppy to completely fit in with my alternative friends and too alternative to fit in with my preppy, honors classes friends.
I think that this "alternative lifestyle that is exactly the same as most other people's alternative lifestyle" behavior comes from the internal conflict that most people have between wanted to be social creatures and wanting to be special and an individual.
As someone that has recently moved to a place where I knew no one, I am very aware of how much a feeling a community gives to my peace of mind.
I think it is lame to be overly critical of people that choose to do things differently than you would (as long as no one is getting hurt) but, on the other hand, I can relate to feeling like an outsider who doesn't fit in with the "cool kids" and wanting to seek out other similar minded individuals.

[projgen]

I never tried hard to either conform or non-conform, but I used to tell people I was "conforming to non-conformity." Had many mightily confused.

I would wear preppy one day, then my army jacket the next, goth the next, and pseudo-intellectual the day after that. I'm sure I'm not the only one to ever do that.

I don't mind conforming to a sub-culture, but I never want to be mainstream. There's nothing wrong with it (and sometimes I'm a little jealous of mainstream life!), but it's just not for me.

[L.]

The blog world is a lot like the real world, I think. There`s good and bad in everyone, to varying degrees, but the vast majority of people are normal and civil. Wherever you go, there will always be those people who are not civil, or downright mean, because they have some kind of problem, or think they have something to prove, or whatever -- the reasons vary, but the result is the same. I stay away from those people, both in life and in cyberspace. Life is just too short, and I barely have time to read blogs of all the truly wonderful people out there.

[Laura]

Decided to delurk today. Don't know why. :)
Trying to be 'cool' takes so much energy. I used to try to be accepted, but now that I am a mother, I have no time. So I guess now I fit in with the other people who walk around with sweet potato spit up on their shirt. Whatever works.

[SimoneG]

I'm old enough not to care if I sound like an 'ass-kisser' - I couldn't agree more with what you're saying here.
In high school (late 80s) it was unthinkable to admit that you liked Kylie Minogue, at least here in Australia. I remember walking past the record shop, but being too afraid to even look at her record/CD, let alone buy it. I wanted it so much, but part of me thought there must be something wrong with me to like something that everyone else loathed. Same thing again at uni (early 90s). Grunge was cool and Nirvana was what all the so-called non-conformists were listening to. None of my friends could see my point of view when I explained to them that I was really more of a non-conformist than any of them for a)liking mainstream music and b)not buying into the whole grunge look. I wish I had had your post back then to show them!

[Emma]

This made me think of my favorite moment in Monty Python's "Life of Brian".

Brian speaks to a large crowd of his followers:

Brian: 'Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't NEED to follow ME, you don't NEED to follow ANYBODY! You've got to think for yourselves! You're ALL individuals!'
The Crowd: 'Yes! We're all individuals!'
Brian: 'You're all different!'
The Crowd: 'Yes, we ARE all different!'
Man in crowd: 'I'm not...'
The Crowd: 'Shhh!'

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monty_Python's_Life_of_Brian

[Ninotchka]

<>

And that is exactly what the ones who knock it AREN'T. That's why the knock it.

[AMR]

look
humans, as a species, are social creatures. and this whole trying to be "nonconformist" is just going to end up biting you in the ass.. because once you are nonconfomist, there will always be somebody who has similar beliefs to yours... and then POOF. there goes that whole nonconformism idea. by definition it is just bound to fail. so yunno what, just do whatever makes you happy and forget the rest.

AMR