I want another child

Before infertility, I never really thought about how many kids I would like to have one day. But it was always more than one. Probably around 3, maybe more. I come from a big family and I wanted that too.

 

Then infertility struck, and while I wanted as many children as I could have, I would have been grateful for just one living baby.

 

And then the babes were born. And I had newborn twins. And I have never been so overwhelmed and scared in my life. So scared, and so overwhelmed, that I went on the Mirena (birth control/IUD). Even though I was infertile, I was THAT scared I would get pregnant accidentally. The first few months were rough. I swore I would never have another child again.

 

But now, now that the babes are getting bigger, and better and so much easier, and now that I am experiencing the exponential power of the mother love, now I want more.

 

I want another child.

Not another baby. Well, I understand that babyhood is part of having another child, but I don’t want another child just to experience babyhood again. Although, having said that, I would love to experience what it must be like to have just one baby to take care of. Goodness, the thought of it…. Only one baby!! And it must be so much nicer the second time around, knowing that all the tough bits are not forever, that this too shall pass. It must make going through the hard bits so much easier. I would love to have a second chance at all the baby stages.

 

But it is not about wanting another baby, no. I want another child. I want to have even more mommy love.

 

Before having kids I used to think that the more kids you had, the more the mommy love had to be divided up between each child. I didn’t know that mommy love was cumulative, that the more you have, the more love there is. The mother love I have is so wonderful, I want more of it.

 

But..I don’t think I will have another child. For a few reasons.

 

Firstly, Marko doesn’t want another child. I think the twin newborn thing was even harder on him. And he comes from a small family; it is what he is used to. He is also worried about the financial aspects. Can we afford to have another child? I worry about that too.

 

But I think his main reason is that having kids has affected our lives so dramatically, more than he ever anticipated.  He has had to make major changes and sacrifices. It has been a really big adjustment for him. I think he is scared what might happen if we had to have another child.

 

And so am I, to be honest. Having kids has been hard on our relationship. Way harder than our infertility or all of our losses. Harder than my depression. Harder than anything we have ever been through. There have been times where I have really disliked him. Despised him. Wanting to leave him. I am scared to go through that again. Having children brings a dynamic into the relationship that can be unbelievably explosive. Even for a couple like us, who really, truly love each other, and who have been to hell and back and survived. Even for us, it has been hard.

 

But he is not completely averse to the idea. He says he is, but I can tell that he isn’t totally against the idea. I haven’t pushed it because I am not 100% convinced.

 

I am scared to make up my mind though. I am scared to decide that I do want another child. I am scared to turn that switch on. Because I know how difficult (impossible) it is to switch off.

 

I don’t think I can do another IVF again. It is just too expensive, psychologically, emotionally, mentally, financially and physiologically for no guarantee. So no more IVFs for me. And quite honestly, I don’t think I will be able to conceive without help.

 

However, there is another factor at play here. I have frozen embryos on ice. The rest of the batch that produced Kate and Adam. After Adam and Kate were born, when I went through that hectic newborn stage, I decided to donate my embryos. I went through the process but at the last minute it fell through (the recipient couple had issues). I didn’t do any thing about finding another recipient couple then. Now I have 9 embryos on ice.

 

Oh shit, this is so hard.

 

The success rate of a frozen embryo cycle is low at my clinic, because my embryos were frozen before they upgraded their freezing technique. It probably won’t work. I’ve already done three frozen embryo cycles in the past – nothing. But I can’t just leave my frozen embryos. I need to either use them or donate them. I don’t think I am ready to donate them.

 

Do I want to switch that switch on? Knowing how hard it will be to switch off. And I don’t have years to decide.

 

Shit.

 

I think about having the Mirena removed. Leaving it up to nature / fate / God. But the chances of me getting pregnant on my own are so slim. And I really can’t see us going through another IVF again.

 

I want another baby. I really do. I am so close to turning that switch on again. I am scared. I suppose I should be telling Marko this. I am scared he might say no. I am scared he might say yes.

 

It is not that I am not grateful for the two wonderful, miraculous babies I have. I know how incredibly blessed I am.

 

I am trying to be logical about all of this, trying to make the best decision. But I keep thinking of the mother love, how wonderful it is, and I want more of that. It is like a drug. Better than any drug. I want more.

 

I want another child, and I don’t know what to do about it.

Comments

[Egg Donor]

I can't offer you any advice from experience. What would you do if marko said yes? Would you be happy? Would you give a big list of reasons why you want him to say no? And what if he said no? Would you be disappointed and resentful? Thinking through that reaction may help.

What if you had to flip a coin? Would you be disappointed if it came up one way vs. the other?

Knowing you only from your posts, it seems like you really DO want another one, despite all the consequences, but you're just scared of all of that process.

But who the hell am I to say.

Good luck, honey.

[kathleen999]

I want another one, too. But we don't have the resources, and I am 44. So not likely.

Husband says absolutely not, we are definitely done. I wouldn't mind having a little girl though. I adore my boys...they are enough. It's not that. It's just I would like a daughter.

We would have to suddenly have unlimited resources, then I think he would say okay. And I also need those resources. I would hate to make things harder.

So I definitely understand.

[Inga]

I think what makes this such a hard decision is there isn't one right decision. Instead there is a set of circumstances and a certain amount of courage on your part.

You have to decide for yourself if you are ready for the possibilities. You definitely want Marko to be in agreement since it might not be easy.

I think you have demonstrated tremendous courage during your struggle to become a mom, and I know you will make the right decision for you and your family.

T-I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you decide what to do.

[Judy]

It is such a difficult decision to make. But, you are wholly right - you need to talk to Marko about this. Take TIME to talk about it and process it, because whichever way the vote goes, it is going to have a HUGE impact on the rest of your life.

Hug those kids, and if it is any consolation, Mommy Love gets stronger and stronger as those rugrats grow up, no matter how many or few kids you have.

[margalit]

I have so been in the same place. I waas 39 when I finally got pregnant with my twins, who were born when I was 40. And then all of a sudden, when they were 6 weeks old, I was a single mom. I've raised them alone ever since. It is SO hard, but they are grown up now. Unfortunately, I am too old to have another baby, but that doesn't stop the longing. I feel totally ripped off that it took 8 years and 4 losses to have my twins, and then I was so damn old that my decision was kinda made for me. I would love to know what it's like just to have one at a time. The luxury of a singleton has been denied to both of us and that sucks.

I'm thrilled with my kids, who I love more than life itself, but still... babies smell so good and they are so adorable and they add so much to your life. It's never going to happen. I'm too sick and old, but I still feel ripped off.

[heather]

i know what you mean...i just got pg of an fet and i know i'm going to want more. i've already thought, well we still have 12 left frozen, so if i don't get pg about 2 yrs after having this one (if i make it the whole 40 wks that is), at least i have those i can use. i'm greedy, i want more than one child, i want to experience this more than once--successfully. i completely understand your feelings and i don't even have any live children yet. defn talk to marko...or at least send this post to him and preface it with something like read the whole thing through before reacting. it's hard to go through all you have on your own...this is just a continued part of the journey. good luck!!

[Jen3 @ Amazing Triplets]

Yep, me too ... and I have three, after several IVF's ... a difficult pregnancy ... and 6 long weeks in the NICU. I'm willing to go through it all over again. And again. And again. And again.

Here's a story I posted about it on my blog.

http://amazingtrips.blogspot.com/2006/05/babies-babies-everywhere.html

You're not alone.

[RainbowW]

first things first: if this is something you're willing to do if it happens, remove the iud. you've been uncomfortable with that in some form or another since you got it -- i know cuz you told me. if you're so convinced it won't happen the cheap old-fashioned way, then it's a waste to have it in there anyway, esp if it bothers you.

dunno jack about FET. we discarded ours, i think there were two or three, and they were piss-poor growers, only barely hanging on, so even if they'd survived freezing it likely would have been no good nyuck nyuck.

of course, i've now managed to get sue pregnant twice the cheap old-fashioned way, tho it's failed both times. who knows? maybe you'll have better luck with me when you finally do replace marko.

go for it. what's the worst?

oh, the worst.

the worst is you'll wind up like a cousin of mine who had twins naturally the first time, and she got knocked up again. they were looking forward to having just one the second time around, until the doctor told them it was triplets.

now they have five kids from two pregnancies.

that'd be worse.

[rynomi]

As I was reading your post so many things hit home for me because I am the mother of b/g twins as well. I too longed to know what it would be like to have just one child. It would be so easy going places with only one car seat to haul around and only one baby to feed etc. My mother-in-law was such a big help because my husband is an identical twin so she could understand my feelings. She understood when I felt overwhelmed and frustrated because I was more house bound than my friends that had only one baby. But I would not trade having twins for anything. I love twins. If we could do it again I would want another set of them.

I also feel for you about the desire for another child. It happens so quickly with twins, everything happens at once. I felt like I didn't get to hold them each enough because I had two to divide my time between them. Having two you do every stage together and it is over before you even knew it began. Now that I have been through it I know what to expect and like you said you know what lasts and what passes you could be more relaxed the second time around. But what a hard decision to make.

My husband is like yours and says he is done. Two at once was very overwhelming for him and I think that the thought of a baby again is just too much for him. Our kids just turned 5 and it is such a great age that the thought of a baby is a big decision. I think we are done, mostly because my husband is very content with our two. I need to respect that decision and not push him for what I want because he has to want more kids too or it won't be a good situation. The more I think about it the more I think I am done too.

Good luck deciding what to do.

[Gudrun]

I didn't have a firm idea of the number of children I wanted until after our son was born. In spite of the struggle to get him, having him definitely made me want (a few) more. I'm not sure I would feel that our family is complete until we reach that goal, and I think that if we don't get there, I might always wonder what life would be like otherwise.

I suppose what I'm saying is that I would try again.

You don't have to have a serious go at it right away; you could start by losing the iud and seeing how the embie-sicles thaw. The odds may not be great, but they aren't 0. Going through that again may help you make up your mind for sure one way or another, as I think some of the reality of infertility treatment fades with time the same way the first few newborn weeks do. Mind you, if you do get pregnant, you're kinda stuck with that decision.

[Sheridan]

I know where you are coming from. I have my one, lovely son via IVF and had such a difficult time in those first few months that I'm still a bit frightened to go again.

In theory, I am happy to give the frozen embies a try, as I feel like I just can't leave them there. But I'm not at all sure about a whole new round of IVF.

However, if I turn that switch on for the frozen embies, how do I turn it off if they don't work?

I'll admit, I didn't expect that you would want any more children. I didn't have twins, but I had a colicky, reflux-ridden singleton that screamed for months. And so I understood how you felt.

My son is 4 months younger than Adam & Kate and I love to follow their progress knowing that Henry will heading that way soon. I will be interested to see if I head YOUR way soon too.

Good luck with your decision.

[Coral]

Why not wait until k+a are two to make a concrete decision? So you don't rush their babyhood?

What ever you choose will be good for you tho'

[andrea]

I would like another too but DHI is dead against the idea, remember though you won't regret having another but you will always regret it if you don't

[Adrienne]

I think I know how you feel, about not being done yet. Although I haven't had to struggle as much as you, both my kids were made "the old fashioned way", I know logically that I can't go through another pregnancy, it just makes me too sick, but my heart just doesn't agree with my brain. I love being a mom, I love feeling the mummy love, I love seeing how much my kids love each other, and I love giving birth. And to be honest, the baby stuff was much easier the second time. But I just can't do it, and it hurts.

You need to talk to Marko, he needs to know how you feel. Much of your concerns of how much a third child will change thing for you and him might not be his concerns.

[MamaChristy]

Oh, honey. I think you already flipped the switch. Talk to Marko.

[e]

When that switch goes on, whatever your circumstances, it's hard to turn it off again. I know from experience, and it's not really a rational decision you can make. Sometimes, I think one can plan too much. If I were in your shoes, I think rationally I'd leave it up to Mother Nature. But then, I would be wondering about those frozen ones as well. And I'm not in your shoes but in my own irrational, longing ones. It's a tough decision, but if you talk to Marko, he may well surprise you.

[Lindsey]

I think it's the age of these kids. (My daughter's about the same age.) And while I am single and will do NOTHING about these recent feelings, they are definitely starting to creep up. Though not as hugely as yours are.........

[e]

And I think you may worried about removing the mirena because at the moment it is really the only control you have over your reproduction. Take it out and you're out of control again. It's a complex relationship. Been there, done that (although I didn't know it at the time, and my reasons for having the Mirena were very different. Little did I know that during the 3.5 years I had it, I would, it seems, lose the ability to have babies altogether.)

[V]

We have also been discussing that issue. We are both not against the idea of another child but then the age gap would be so big (B is now 71/2) and I am also almost 40 (well, 2 years to go). Do I really want to got through pregnancy and baby stages again? Would I have a normal baby? Would my baby make 1 year? Too many questions. Sorry, I am less than useless, can't even help myself, never mind give you advice!

[tess]

i've never heard anyone say they regretted having as many children as they did.

[JDEgirl]

PROUD OF YOU...

...for being willing to just put it out there, to be honest about these feelings you are having. I think that takes some courage.

[Leggy]

I'm in a different position as I clearly want another child, but its so frustrating and hard that it requires so much work for us infertiles to actively choose over and over again to try, to adopt, whatever. Good luck sorting this out.

[Kim]

I can really understand the want to have another. The thing is like you have said the decision is not entirely yours cos Marko has to say yes too. You have already said that it has really tested your relationship and that Marko has found it hard to adjust to the changes - so in the end maybe you should try to look at it in the light of your relationship - or even at Markos perspective. What would or could it do to your relationship? Maybe it would be all fine and he would adjust OK. In the end you will hvae to really have a good talk with him at the right time. It hard I know. We mananged a natural pregnancy after 3 IVFs. Our diagnosis was MF and since we have tried for another but it seems it aint going to happen - but you never know. We're not going thru the IVFs again. The other thing is that if you took the Mirena out - would you start the obsessing every month about the right time to do it and then symptoms etc. that can be a bit of a nightmare. I look forward to hearing what you decide.

[gkk]

Tertia, how did you get inside my head? I'm in pretty much exactly the same situation. I have managed to get DH on side, but I am having trouble making that final leap. Just as you said, I'm afraid to flick that switch in case I can't have another and I can't switch it off again. We were lucky enough to have #2 naturally, so I'm also wrestling with the whole "try naturally or use the frozens" issue. If you find an easy answer, be sure to let me know!

[stella]

I want another one too!

However, I have no husband, no job, no money, living with my parents, etc. I do have a good sperm donor, and I dream about having a sibling for my son.

So I totally get your thought process. Sorry not much help, but I understand.

-stella

[Bridgette]

I am so there with you T. I try to push it away. I try not to think about it. But its always there, in my heart. I want another baby too, quite a bit. Its not a need like it was with J. I don't feel like I can't go on and be perfectly happy without another baby, but oh how I would love one. Unfortunately, the man I married doesn't feel the same as I do. He doesn't want anymore. And I am running out of time. I have brought it up many times, actually I just brought it up last week. You know, just in case he changed his mind and forgot to tell me. He still says no.

I really wish I could figure out how to turn that baby switch off.

[Em]

I would like to give you one thing to think about (like you need more!). I suspect, if you and Marko are anything like me and my husband, that many of the adjustments were new parent adjustments. Fitting the babies into your lives, figuring out everyone's roles, etc. The sacrifices have already been made. You are parents. Certainly the sacrifices would need to last a little longer with a 3rd but I doubt it would be the major life makeover you had to experience with K&A (that we all have to experience as new parents). "They" say each successive new baby fits in easier because you are already doing it, they just sort of join the chorus.

In the end, once you've made a final decision for yourself, you and Marko will have to decide whose position is stronger (not righter, just stronger). Do you want it more than he doesn't or does he NOT want it more than you do?

Lastly, it seems to me from personal experience and talking to friends that alot of times men have to be eased into (and maybe talked into) big life changes. Then they take to them like fish to water. I myself, think it would be easier to adjust to a new person to love than a person who already loved you feeling a resentment that won't go away (if you feel that strongly about it).

Good Luck!

[Rach]

Tertia:

3 words. GO. FOR. IT.

As you said, you've got 9 embryos. I know what you mean about not being able to turn the switch off once it's on.

It is like a drug, isn't it?

[Blair]

me too, all of it!

[Nancy]

Have another! That said, it won't be easy, and maybe wouldn't happen. You seem very realistic about it... so how about "have another... if possible"!

Do you think it's the infertility that's holding you back more than the rest of it? That, if you decide that yes you do want one and then it doesn't come to pass, that that's so much worse than deciding on your own that you don't want another? This is all so hard. If it was just a matter of simply deciding yes/no on another child I'll bet it would be an easier decision to make.

[Jen]

We had our twin boys naturally (complete miracles)- but only after infertility treatments failed and I had two miscarriages. The boys are 9 months old, and we are letting nature take its course. I can't imagine going through treatments again....but, if it happens naturally, it is as if it was meant to be. Sometimes I worry that I'm being selfish. My mother tells me to be glad that I have two healthy babes and that having another is playing a game of roulette. BUT- when it's in your head, its there. The only way to get it out is through your uterus! ;)

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

I am always surprised when other parents of multiples want to have more children. Aren't you scared you will have twins again? I'm not judging, I'm just wondering. The first year (for me anyway) was so difficult.

I love my twins but even after my husband's vasectomy I am still terrified almost every month that I am going to have triplets.

[Lisa S.]

Oh my. Once again, you have invaded my brain, stolen my thoughts and posted them as your own. I know exactly where you are right now. I am there too. I always planned on more than one child. Then Charlie was born in Jan 05, right around the time your twins were born, and for a long time I thought NO WAY. Never again. Now I have a little niggle in my heart, that says this time would be different (I had severe PPD with Charlie), that I could actually enjoy the baby days, and I don't know whether to tune it out or listen to it. I know that in 10 years I would be happy I had a second child. But my PPD was so bad, what if I didn't recover from it this time? What if I look back and say, man, we had it GOOD with the one kid. We still had our "me" time, he was a good, easy baby, etc etc. So I dont' know. I can't decide either.

[Mollie]

Based on how fab Adam and Kate are, I say have 20 more if that's what your heart desires.

[Spacemom]

These are tough decisions to make. There is only one right answer for YOU. Good luck making this decision.

[AML]

I can't comment on the fear of ttc/pgcy after infertility but just on the feelings about more kids. My kids are 4 (boy) and 6 (girl) and I finally know that I am done. When I was pg with #2 and for his first year or so, I really wanted a 3rd child. Dh was totally opposed. The more he dug in about being done, the more I dug in about wanting another. Then one day we swapped sides, he said "well, it would be kind of nice..." and right then and there the desire completely evaporated from me. And he didn't push it either, it was just a passing thought. Our toddlers grew into preschoolers and now a preschooler and a grade schooler...life is great! They are unbelievably fun, leave us alone for long stretches of time, play together beautifully (and squabble too, of course). I don't know how a 3rd would affect that dynamic, they say it's always 2 against 1. It is actually FUN to go places with them, around the town, daytrips, vacations. We can afford their care and schooling and I can keep my part-time job that I love. My co-workers have kids in their teens and early 20's and they still need so much. I have soooo many friends having #3 or even #4 and with each passing new baby I hear about, it appeals to me less and less. So my advice is, give it a little time. Right now you are so entrenched in 24/7 needy kids (toddlers are about as tough as it gets!! but so darn sweet!!) so what's another needy baby. But once you get a little space from the constant neediness, it really is nice. I have some time to myself and now that I do I realize how much I missed it. I do have mother love to spare, but my nieces, neighbors, friends' kids and kids' friends/classmates are great for that. Good luck in whatever you decide!!

[Nikki]

I think a lot of us are afraid to turn that switch on. My husband is 11 yrs. older than I am. We have a 2yr old and he has an 11yr old from his previous marriage. I am afraid to turn that switch on because I don't think he wants another kid and if that's the case, I don't know what would it do to our marriage. It's a hard place to be.

[Kathy]

I have no advice -- just love and a hug.

Whatever you decide will be right.

[sourpatchbaby]

You should take a leap of faith. Like you said, there is a low success rate for the FET at your clinic. So it either will work, or it won't. Marko can't really be that against something that even he has to admit doesn't have a clear cut chance of happening. Good luck in whatever decision you choose. Whether it's naturally, or through adoption, you will be a great mother of three.

[Shandra]

I think whatever you decide will be right too.

For me, I wouldn't push a partner to have a child - it's hard enough when you both want one like all get out. Sometimes I think we get stuck in a "more! better!" cycle when really appreciating what we have might be a better use of time/energy. I'm not especially good at this; I always want the next thing. :-)

Having said that, I also think there are a million legitimate and wonderful reasons to have more children and those are all important too.

[cath]

i have no advice at all. all i have is so much pride in you for saying this, and i support you a million trillion kabillion percent in however you choose..

if i could, id have 42 children, money depending. this one is just so good, imagine two. or three. but my bank balance keeps me from it.

[sheilah]

I also want another. We have 10 still on ice and since the one I have was an FET, it is entirely possible that we would be successful.

But I hesitate because I am so old (a grandma compared to others who have posted comments).

If I had a guarantee that my pregnancy would be as easy as with the first I think I would go for it in an instant.

[Anna]

Don't do it! You would have to give up wine!

[JennyK]

There is no logic to this, it's all gut. I personally don't believe that if you feel the empty hole of another child, then you won't be okay until you fill that hole with either a child or exhausting attempts to get that child. I used to feel an emptiness, like a missing piece until our son was born. Now I rest easy knowing that our family is complete.

[3littlepigs]

I could have wrote this post myself (minus the fertility problems). I have a son (3) and twin girls (1). I know that my family is complete. My husband even had a vasectomy to ensure that we are finished. Even though I know that I am done, this biological clock continues to tick. It is a painful to realize that I will not ever be pregnant again. It hurts to think that I will not have another little baby to love on.

I wish you luck in your decisions. I hope that whatever you guys decide, you can be at peace with it.

[abogada]

I am in the exact same boat that you are except I'm older than you are.

I am infertile. I have nine embryos on ice. My husband is not 100% against it, but he's probably at least 90%. I'm not 100% for it either. And I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't have the heart to donate them, but I don't know if we can weather another one.

This is truly the hardest decision I've ever had, so I feel for what you are going through. Though when it all shakes out, we will probably donate the embroys in an open adoption. At least I'll know where my babies are, and my daughter can keep in touch with her siblings if she wants.

[Kay]

If you want another, then I hope you have one.

My heart wants another. My brain and my body don't. And neither does my husband. I can't even fight the external battle until I resolve the internal one.

I'm a Mother of 2: son almost 4, daughter 8 months. I get gestational diabetes and have severe hyperemesis, mostly all 9 months and have to be on Zofran to control it. I require c-sections. I should call it done since I have two perfect beautiful kids. Going for a 3rd would be selfish and probably risky. Still, my heart doesn't always agree.

I feel you.

[Moxie]

The ship has already sailed on the changes in your life. The problems in a relationship are so awful when you become parents. You revisit that a *little* bit with another kid, but it doesn't shake you at all like it did the first time. So you might as well have another because Marko's life is already ruined--it can't get ruined-er.:)

If it were me in this situation, I'd take the IUD out in the fall, and then starting when the kids turned two I'd do FETs with the frozen embryos until they were all gone. And only then, if I had to, would I actively make a decision about trying to have another child with IVF or not.

But you are not me. I wish you luck in whatever you decide. Or don't decide.

[jenny]

It's silly of me to think that far ahead but I worry about how I would handle that scenerio. Hubbie says once we have one, he doesn't mind doing any FET's but no more fresh cycles. I am not sure I could turn the hope on and then just forget it if they didn't work. I feel for you, it's a difficult decision no matter what you decide. Infertility always seems to be that way - rock and a hard place.

[mare_imbrium]

I cannot relate with the pain of infertility or loss. But I can relate with a very rocky adjustment period to motherhood. Complete with wanting to smother or leave my husband - or everything really, sometimes I just wanted to get in the car and drive until I ran out of gas, and then start walking.

I now have a 2nd child, who is almost five months old. It is more relaxed. I don't have that anxiousness because most of this stuff I've gone through before (every child has some differences). When aggrivating things happen I get much less upset (I never hit my first son at this age, but sometimes the level of my emotions scared the hell out of me). But there is stress and #2's infancy is distancing me from my husband again. The ray of hope is when I started being irritated by every single thing my husband did I remembered "oh yeah. This happened before. And it went away as the baby got older. I'll just be patient and it will go away again." So it isn't as scary.

And you've already gotten the multiple children adjustment out of the way! I've been having to cope with that whole "but they don't sleep at the same times" and "what if they are both sick at once" for the first time.

Good luck to you.

[Rachel H.]

Wow, that's huge. Does "I want" translate to "I will go for it?" I suppose that's a huge question.

I haven't had any infertility to speak of, nor twins, and it's still a huge question for us.

[Emma]

I think we are hard-wired to want more children even when there seem to be compelling reasons not to. In my case age (36 now) and the fact that our second daughter was born with infant Leukemia. (but currently surviving) Scared shitless it might happen again but yet.... I mean what sensible person would even entertain that? I don't think sense is really involved :-) Stupid old heart.

[jill]

Oh sweetheart, that's so hard a decision to make. Especially after going through IF and knowing exactly how hard it can be. I can't speak from experience, but it's my opinion that the heart is never wrong. It may not always work out the way your heart wants, and that's where all the pain comes in - getting over it. But I do agree with PP that there is no doubt like that of regret. i think Marko might come around with time and gentle prodding. When we first started all this, DH was absolutely against twins or multiples, but now that it looks like that might be the only way, he syas now that he would be so happy if we could have multiples or a singlet, or whatever.

[jennifer]

The thing I love about the blogging world is that somewhere someone is thinking what you are.
I too want another, however, not a baby.
I'm completely unable to have children anymore, so our only choice would be adopting an older child. (2-3 years old-ish)
But, my husband's not sure. He's definetly more on the 'yes' side than the 'no' side though, which helps.
It's really hard to see your life WITH another, and also WITHOUT another, isn't it?

I also have found that it's this age. (My youngest is the same age as K & A) It's like natural progression it almost feels.

You'll decide when it's right, and it will be the right decision.

[Melissa]

I agree. The switch looks pretty flipped to me.

I don't know what the right answer is here. I think I'd go for it. I really do. But that's me.

I beleive that you are a wonderful mother. I believe that the second time will be easier, emotionally. You know that horrible (to some, me included) newborn stage will pass. You're a fabulous mother and Marko is a fabulous father. You have two amazing children, who I'm sure would make wonderful big brother and sister.

So, it comes down to money. And only you know the answer to that. But another question, totally none of my business. What about Rose? Will she stay? Will she be able to take care of one or two more babies on her own? Would you need a new nanny? Or just an extra nanny? Again..money. And none of us can help you with that.

Good Luck. And I agree with whoever said that they were proud of you for putting this out there. I really am too! Good on you! This is the Tertia we all adore!

[Kate]

I don't know anyone who regrets having "just 1 (2, 3, whatever) more child."

Go for it.

[Melissa @ Organized Chaos]

The same urge hit me right around my twins 1st birthday. We had always wanted 3 children, but after battling infertility you just feel like you should appreciate what you have and not be greedy. (That’s the survivor guilt playing it up for me!) I also have to add in that there is nothing more annoying to my ears to hear things like “you have a boy and a girl, why would you want any more?”

I haven’t yet told the stories of how I conceived my children on my blog, but long story short, after the twins my husband was petrified to do the drugs again for fear of more multiples. So we decided that IF it can happen on its own then we need to go for it because time is a wasting otherwise. I was pregnant again only 2 cycles later.

I will say that it just didn’t just happen out of the blue. I was trying out some theories based on what I learned from my RE the first 2 years prior. So maybe it was that? Or maybe I am one of those people you hear of who can conceive after infertility? I don't know. But I do know that if you don't TRY you'll never know. I know that's a huge leap for someone who has been so badly burned before, but it's worth it. Good luck with whatever you decide!!

[SheilaC]

As a mom of triplets I have to disagree with RainbowW, and Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah. Twins plus triplets would not be "worse"; it would be a great blessing. I do not mean to minimize or gloss over the risks, or the difficulty, or the demands it would make on the parents. Yes, multiples are a great challenge, but with all that Tertia and Marko have been through, they could handle it. And they would LOVE their babies.

Tertia, I understand your feelings, and share them. I would love another child, but reluctantly we have decided we are not going to try fertility treatments again. If we "get lucky" we'll be delighted though. We do not have any frozen embryos. But I believe that if we did, I would want to try again to use them.

I believe that every family has a bittersweet time making the decision whether to have another child (and sometimes being surprised by the outcome). Maybe it's harder after infertility, but I think these are very common feelings. And so hard to work through. My feelings have varied in intensity over time, but I am still dreaming of another child. We are very happy, and life is good with our family of 5. But maybe I will always wish for another baby, and be drawn to other people's babies and young children. I can live with that.

[Vanessa]

I have two words for you. "Morning Sickness". No wait, Seven words. "Morning Sickness with twins to look after". Nearly 14 weeks and I'm still vomiting myself into a stupor, which traumatises Erica no end, but if I shut the loo door she screams. It is pure, unadulterated hell. And for you it will never be just "one baby"...it will be THREE (1 babe plus 2 toddlers). Brent and I handled the stress of one babe with flying colours, but just the pregnancy and one toddler is putting huge strain on us. Heaven help us when the babe is actually born. I want to run away right now.

[Clare]

Tertia I so relate to where you are. I had my first child after countless IVF's and frozen transfers. It was amazing & wonderful for me, but it was really hard on my relationship with my husband. In fact if we had stopped there I think that I would always have held a grudge against him for not stepping up to the mark in the way that I wanted him to.

I really wanted to have another child after I had my first - more than I had wanted to before she was born in fact, because now I knew how wonderful the experience was - I wanted to experience this again. I wanted the joy of being a mommy to more children. I also funnily enough wanted to go through labour again as I didn't really experience it in the way I wanted to first time - induction, epidural, forceps etc. I also wanted to just be pregnant again, I wanted to have that lovely feeling of heaviness & sleepiness - I wanted all the looks that people give pregnant women & all the kind wishes.

We went on to have twin boys 2 1/2 years later after using up the frozens & doing two more fresh IVF's.

It has been the best thing for us - my husband has really stepped up to the mark this time & even amazed me with how good he has been & how helpful. For us as a couple this has absolutely made us pull together.

For me the experience has been great - but here's the thing - it hasn't been the thing I was looking for after my first child. Perhaps because it was twins & caesarean and therefore so much BIGGER than my daughter - it was so different. I didn't get the labour thing, I didn't bond on sight with the boys - I didn't breastfeed them much & I did my daughter & loved it. This has been so different I can't even explain it.

In my last IVF cycle I made them grow the extra eggs on to blastocyst stage - against their recommendations - and they all died - which suited me I didn't want any left over after that transfer which I was sure would work. I also got sterilised during the caesarean so that I couldn't have any more (three was enough).

I frightened my husband the other night when I told him that if I had frozen eggs or hadn't had the caesarean - I would be trying now to get pregnant again and I am 42!!!!

Being a mother & having children is a funny thing - I am up to my ears in the stress of having three kids under four - but if I could I would have more - I can't explain why. I am pleased that I can't do this - four under five at 43 would not be my idea of a good look.

All the best with your decision - its a very hard one. Once you step on that IVF treadmill its hard to get off it.
which the said woulod not do

absolutely recommend that you use

[Andy]

I'm another contemplating the big leap. My situation is different in that my first was naturally conceived (took 2 yrs) but my 20mth old was an IVF baby, and the last of our frozen embyros (an embryo that almost didn't make it to be frozen). So it's try naturally or go back for the whole IVF song and dance show. Aside from the whole money and time issue I also feel guilty about even contemplating IVF, like I should be happy already.

[kristin]

in light of the frozen embryo scenario, i say go for it! though you say it's unlikely, it sounds like your conscience would be soothed if you were to give it a shot. since IVF isn't a path you want to go down, it would be a great compromise. if i were in your shoes, i don't know that i could donate the embryos and move on not knowing if i had just passed up the chance that they may have worked for me...

[Binkytown]

Oh Tertia- I believe everything logical goes out the window when wrestling with this question. It feels like such an overwhelming desire. I really think it's biological since every woman I know, even the ones who found the first few months incredibly hard still feel this way. Hug your babies tight and listen to your heart.

[Melany aka Supermom]

What a powerful post. I think you will regret it if you don't even try

[Mandy]

I haven't read through all the comments for fear it will send me even more into my own thoughts about trying again, and this isn't about me - it is about you.

There are different levels of trying - all with different emotional and financial costs. If you and Marko can agree it would be ok if it happened but are not/will not be ready/able to tackle major fertility treatments, one option would be to remove the IUD and see what happens. We all know that could go either way. Depending on how your PCOS is acting, how regular your cycles are, etc. (BTW, would you consider doing a post on how your PCOS is being treated with regard to your regular health, what is recommended there, etc. I'd be quite interested)

There's trying with *some* treatment - be it clomid, injectibles, IUI's. IUI for example is a LOT less expensive than IVF.

There are also some advantages to the fact the twins came first (in addition to their obvious charm). You have all the major and necessary gear so there will be a substantially lower investment when it comes to things such as cribs, toys, bath seats, etc. In fact, if you only had one more you could sell the spare of each item. If there are two, you have two of everything already. Also with clothing - whether you have a boy or a girl, you'll be set with the exception of a few new things to take care of difference in seasons etc or if you were to have two girls or two boys.

I think the hardest part of trying again is the decision whether to do so. Only you and Marko can decide that, but I think the switch may be already flipped.

[soralis]

Wow your post sure hit home with me! I unfortunately have turned the switch on. I also was linked to your radio interview recently... wow I wish everyone in Canada could hear that.

Thanks for sharing, take care.

[Kerri]

Tertia-
I understand EXACTLY where you are coming from.

Our twin girls are 6 months old already and I feel that the time has been like being stuck ny lightning. I was never aware how the "mother love" that you speak of could be so powerful and so all-encompassing. There are days that is almost feels painful to love so much.

We too have 9 embryos frozen. It came time to pay the cryo charge and my DH said "we are not going to use them so why pay" I am not convinced that at some point I wont want more. I already have a tingle. The hardest part would be the sell to my DH. We have two boys from a prior marriage and now the twins. He keeps saying "four kids is a lot of kids"...........

The selfish side of me says "Go for it, have more" the more sane side of me says that I need to be respectful that we have 4 educations to pay for, still paying IVF debt, and are not getting any younger.

I wish I had some answers for you......we are sailing the same boat my friend. Not an easy course.

Best wishes on making your tough decision.

[Louise]

Oh, how exciting, just to think about it!

Nine embryos on ice is certainly tempting.

[shel]

Delurking after 3 years. I've followed your story for quite some time and although my quest to motherhood was much less painful (and I was blessed with a just one), I can relate on many levels. However, this post struck a chord because I'm "thinking about another" now that my daughter is 14 months.

I am a work-outside-of-home mom, but not by choice. Your comment about mommy love being cumulative rather than divided is where I am stuck. I feel like I don't have enough time to give my daughter as much attention as I'd like. With only about 2 hours/workday to spend with her, how do I bring another into the mix? Does having a sibling help make up for what I might not be able to give her or does it take away? If anyone has any input/experience/advice, I'd be interested in hearing your experiences.

BTW--you rock!

[millie]

I'm going to try really hard not to give any assvice. I know I probably won't succeed, but what the hell.

Having recently done a frozen cycle at your clinic, I gotta say it's super easy. And super cheap. You don't even have to fly halfway 'round the world to do it. I do think there's some things they could probably do to maximize the success (let them grow for a day or so, do assisted hatching even if they're blasts) so the odds might not be as bad as you think. And with 9 you've probably got 2-3 frozen cycles you can try.

As for another child putting increased stress on your relationship, I think the changes and sacrifices have already been made.

I wish you all the best with whatever you decide. But selfishly I hope there's another little one to visit the next time I come to town.

[Amy]

I am exactly where you are right now. Chris and I always agreed we'd have just two and when it was twins, voila--we were done.

Now I'm trying to renegotiate that number and he's not budging. Or at least he wasn't until a recent conversation where I got the idea that he wasn't so sure of himself. Then I panicked.

I DO know this much--mine were IUI babies, so I don't have the dilemma of frozen embryos--I will NOT do any meds, injections, etc. to get pregnant again. It would have to be nature.

I didn't read the comments, so I don't know if this was mentioned, but one of Chris's reasons against not trying again is that he doesn't want me to become obsessed again--that the two we have now deserve my full attention as a mother, not a mother dealing with heavy emotions about not conceiving. I feel like that wouldn't happen because I'm happy with our little family; I don't feel it is incomplete. But I can't promise it wouldn't become an issue. Maybe Marko feels a little of that, too.

Who knows where this will lead for either of us.

[Orange]

Are you mad? (she says enviously—because another go isn't an option for me)

[susan (formerly of post-coital babble)]

Ah jeez. See what happens when you read Julie's blog? Now you want another one too.

Assholes, both of you.

(And I mean that in the kindest sense of the word)

Seriously though. Why not remove the birth control and see what happens? Can't hurt (though I think you said you get very bad periods)...wishing you best of luck either way.

And Julie too. ;o)

[susan (formerly of post-coital babble)]

Ah jeez. See what happens when you read Julie's blog? Now you want another one too.

Assholes, both of you.

(And I mean that in the kindest sense of the word)

Seriously though. Why not remove the birth control and see what happens? Can't hurt (though I think you said you get very bad periods)...wishing you best of luck either way.

And Julie too. ;o)

[Lauren]

Well you know what happened to me. Like you I couldn't bear the thought of donating my embryos so after some difficult decisions we chose to do FETs but use as many as possible. I was fine with it if it didn't work but I was also adamant I'd rather not be pregnant than have twins again.

That said, it has been very hard to do this again. The day of transfer when Ryley had been up all night with DH (daddy is all she wanted), DH told me I'm not sure I can do this. That made me feel pretty good going into transfer. In the end he has been happy about our new one but being pregnant again and dealing with a high risk pregnancy on top has not been the best for our marriage. I truly look forward to my 40s and being done with the entire family planning thing.

[Julia]

I think the longing for another child never goes away. If you have a third that is not to say that you won't think how nice one more might be. I think the desire is with us always regardless of what we choose to do about it.

I only know you inside the computer, but IF you want to try for another I KNOW that you have the emotional reserves to do it. You are one strong G&D woman. It's is just so hard to allow yourself to hope again.

[Stephanie]

And give up wine?!?

[kimblahg]

i'm not reading the other comments but giving you my opinion. i think you should try to do a natural cycle with the embroyos (not all at once- gulp!) and see what happens. just my assvice but i think it will give you the most peaceful closure one way or the other. good luck and love to your beautiful family.

[Heidi]

I want to share a painful story with you. After reading your entry I could so understand where you are at. After our 2nd one, I still wanted one more. I always pictured myself with 3 children. I went through a miscarriage, 6 IUIs, uterine fibroid surgery, a failed IVF and finally conceived my daughter (now 3 1/2). With my son, I had no problems conceiving. (Who would have thought???)

My husband only ever wanted two but I thought he'd come around if we got pregnant for some reason. I was wrong.

After something I thought was completely impossible happened -- I had an "oopsie" pregnancy after a one time-time non-protected encounter with my hubby -- I found out just how strongly my husband felt about any more children. I think that time was truly the worst time of my life. I didn't know if this unexpected pregnancy would cost me my marriage. Sadly, I miscarried shortly before I managed to get to my RE to start heparin injections (what I needed to do with both previous pregnancies). I KNEW I needed to be on heparin, but put off the appointment because of the turmoil I felt surrounding the pregnancy I put off calling my RE for almost a whole week after getting a positive pregnancy test. I think I will feel guilt about that for the rest of my life, and yet, perhaps it saved my marriage and gave my two surviving children the 2 parent family they deserve.

I'm not saying that your husband would react as mine did. To be honest, I think I will never forgive him for how he did react and the hell he put me through during that time. Still, I'm trying my hardest to try and come to terms with the fact that I need to focus on the children I do have and making a good life for the 4 of us. But please, make sure you and your husband are on the same page before even thinking about getting pregnant. I believe you probably are, but I seriously was surprised by my husband's reaction. Never in a million years would I have expected it from him. I always thought he'd be supportive even if it wasn't how he had planned or pictured things. I was terribly wrong and I think I will always grieve not only the loss of that baby but the loss of a fundamental trust in my marriage. :-(

Sorry to bring things down, but I just had to share my (sad) side to this story too.

Here's hoping your hubby agrees with you and you go on to have more beautiful g&d children!

*hugs*