What would you do?

 

What would you do if you noticed that a friend’s child seemed a little, um, not quite right? That there was something that seemed a little ‘not normal’ about the child’s development in some way.

 

I am not talking about something that could just be attributed to being a bit slow, or a bit behind.  I am talking about something that immediately raises a feeling of ‘something is not right’. Something that if it was your child, you would take them to a professional to be assessed.

 

Not something that is the result of neglect or anything like that, rather something that you think the parents simply aren’t aware of. Something that would need early intervention to address. And not a trivial thing either.

 

I am really torn. I am concerned that that there might be something wrong, but I also don’t want to seem alarmist and interfering.  Perhaps there is nothing wrong and the child will be fine.  But what if there is something wrong and I could have brought it to the parents’ attention earlier?

 

Damn. What do I do?

 

What would you do? Would you say something? Or would you keep quiet?

 

I’ll do a poll for you shy types.

 

Comments

[mo pie]

Wow, that's really tough. Not being a parent, I can't really speak to this (the only things I had in common with you in your poll were being a gorgeous and divine asshole and a woman in a relationship... my mother grew up in South Africa though so that kind of counts). Anyway, a friend of mine has an autistic son and she wrote an essay on this topic once... it's here: http://www.hiddenlaughter.com/essays/2005/0805.html

Maybe it will help!

[andrea]

To be honest mate I wouldn't say anything, it doesn't matter how tactful you are the mother may/will take offence and be defensive. I would say nohting and hope it would be picked up at a development check by a medical professional - different if you are asked by the mother, then I would say answer truthfully.

[wix]

i would find a tactful way to delicately approach the subject. if it were my child, and i was missing something out of ignorance, i would want a friend to step up and say something. my child's future is more important than my ego.

[blair]

I would say something outright, yet subtle... like...
"Wow, [insert name here] seems a bit behind other kids in [insert develpmental milestone here], what did your pediatrician say about it?"
If they said they had not noticed nor discussed it...
I woud say, "well, it might be worth mentioning"...
Parents tend to be alarmists (or like me, where not much fazes me) and will ask the doctor about it...
But, it is possible they know and don't feel teh need to say something to everyone... I have met folk like that, with children with autism, who just say nothing... because it is not really anyones business but theirs... unless they are asked of course.

[gkk]

I'm a total wuss, and I guess a bit of a hypocrite... If it were my child I would absolutely want you to tell me, yet if it were a friend's child I wouldn't say anything for fear of offending her. How close a friend is it? Maybe you have another mutual friend who is closer to her and could bring it up, or perhaps even put this "poll" to her and see what her response is. That is a really tough one.

[jax]

I really don't believe that a parent wouldn't have picked up on anything anyway and is possibly dealing with it in his/her own way and own time. I agree with those who say that the medical professionals are the best people to flag these types of developmental issues up. I know that one of my sisters queried for many years the development of my other sister's son, despite him actually having privately been assessed by a specialist who had determined that there was no problem. Needless to say, there was no problem in the long run but her saying such things could be construed as slightly unkind. Of course it all depends on your relationship with the parent and what you believe the developmental issue to be, ie can it be resolved? Good luck with this very tricky dilemma.

[anna v]

It depends on what your relationship with the parent is and most importantly what credibility your opinion holds. If you're not a health professional or a parent with a child with a condition, then IMO it's pretty inappropriate for another parent to make suggestions.

If the developmental issue is one which can be resolved (and pretty only resolved by EI) I might ask a close friend if she has ever wondered about ::insert condition::.

[SheilaC]

I have only sketchy understanding of normal infant and childhood development, and I know that all kinds of variations may be quite normal. I would try to ask when the child's next medical appointment is, without alarming the parent. I might ask how much they weigh now, or what did their doctor say about their nutrition - something I know is not an issue. Then I could say how much I am interested in the check-list for developmental milestones... I would hope to direct the conversation in that direction and see if the subject came up.

I might say that I had some questions about my own children, and that I was glad to have them assessed for OT, PT and speech-language, because as preemies they were at risk for some delays.
If the friend's child has been evaluated recently I would try not to worry. If not, I would hope that the next check-up would thoroughly screen for the area that appears to be at risk for delay.

[Serina]

Well, Lovey, I'd have to tell her. Keeping my mouth shut to spare her feelings doesn't help the baby. Most things can be greatly improved with some early intervention and I see kids all the time who have had it and have never looked back. Having said that, though, it's worth remembering that "normal" is a huge field and delays happen all the time.
What did you see? Can you tell us what bothered you?

[Penny Farthing]

I think I would play 'I was reading this article about X (whatever the problem is), and I was really suprised to see how common it is. My Paediatrician never mentioned the subject when we saw him, what about yours?'
I dunno. I think I would tell, but I'd not do it outright.

[Rebecca]

It would depend on my relationship with the parent, and the type of person s/he is. There is no easy answer in these situations though.

[Alex]

Tricky situation - but I would definitely mention it. How, would depend on the relationship you have with her and the type of person she is. Often it takes an outsider to see something that you as a parent take for granted. For example - my son's Grade 2 teacher immediately noticed that there was something wrong with his eyes & told us. We hadn't realised that his eyesight was that bad until we took him to the optician. Also you can't necessarily assume that the paediatrician will pick it up unless the parent voices a concern. There are some children that just don't follow the guidelines and turn out just great. EG: My DH and his 2 sisters only started walking just before they were two - all of them have turned out OK :-)

[Heather]

Tertia,

I would say something like "I notice C isn't [some developmental milestone here]. Have you talked to your pediatrician about it?" This way, you're letting her know you see some unexpected behavior without offering a diagnosis. She may have observed it herself and dismissed it, or not thought it important enough to "bother" her child's doctor with it.

[jodie]

OK, this is right up my alley. My son has developmental delays, and while I keep hoping that maybe he'll catch up, I am well aware of what's going on and he is getting medical help. I just don't like to talk about it all the time, sometimes I just want to feel normal, and for him to feel normal. Like Julie, sometimes I want to lie about my son's age so people stop commenting. I really think your friend probably has some idea, maybe she's in denial or maybe it's already being seen to. But I can tell you, I am SO sick of people acting shocked when they find out my son isn't walking at 18 months, or pointing out other delays. I often get the "Oh, he's not talking yet. Isn't that worrying you?", or "I thought most kids started walking at 12 months?". Like it's their business, like they know my child better than I do. Even though you would really mean well, it's hard to say tactfully. If someone said something like above "Wow, [insert name here] seems a bit behind other kids in [insert develpmental milestone here], what did your pediatrician say about it?" I'd want to cry, or punch the person. Because what you're saying is "You're stupid, you obviously didn't notice what's going on and I did". The "What did your ped say about it?" has been said to me and it's a very unsubtly way of saying "I hope you are a fit enough parent that you actually take your child to a medical professional and don't rely on feng shui to raise him".

It is really obvious you care, but as you have 2 gorgeous healthy smart kids of your own, and you're not in the medical profession, I'm not sure your friend wants to hear this from you. From now on, if you tell her, she'll be thinking you're looking at her child, judging that child and measuring his or her performance. Because by "coming out" you're admitting you've done that in the past. However, if you think she's totally in denial and the kid really needs help, and you feel very strongly about it, maybe start a conversation about your own child's milestones, see what she contributes, and go from there.

You're a good friend and it's obvious you care. I'm sure you'll choose the best thing to do, it's hard for us to put in our 2 cents out here when we don't know the full story.

Let us know what you decide to do! IT will be the right thing, whichever way you go.

[Katie]

I'm a really nosy and irritating developmental psychologist, so I usually say something (e.g. "X does this really funny thing... it's interesting that he can do A but not B" or "does he normally talk or is it just because I'm here that your three-year-old is grunting and waving his hands?").

But they never pay attention. Either they think it's normal ("but his brother was like that and so was I" "yes, that's why it's called an INHERITED learning disability") or they think it's cute ("you mean not being able to say any consonants at the age of four isn't endearing, it's just going to make nursery school hard for him? Gosh").

[Katie]

Having just read some other comments I wanted to add: the only parents I say this to are the ones who clearly haven't noticed, and I know they haven't noticed, because, being a developmental psychologist, all other parents see me as a source of free advice/confirmation of what the other psychologist said. Which I don't mind at all (and happily say "I know nothing about Y" if I don't).

It's the ones who say "oh isn't it cute that he's not talking yet" that are the worrying ones... And these are often the ones that I know have no means of comparison to other children - it's their first child and they live in the countryside and he's not in nursery, or they live somewhere where their kids are the only ones speaking English. Not the ones that live in central London and go to a parents' coffee group full of over-competitive mothers who are putting their 2-year-olds into Italian classes.

[Bebs]

Tertia, I would definitely say something. The mother may feel really hurt and offended, but if you can help a child to better life because of early intervention, I would say it is worth it. She may even thank you for it later.

[CeeCee]

T, you know how there are a list of dumb things people say to infertiles? "Have you tried therapy X?", "When are you guys starting a family?", "Oh just relax, it will happen". These people mean well, but it can hurt like hell, can't it? It's a bit like that with special needs kids, sometimes it's impossible to know what to say, and sometimes it's better to say nothing at all. It's your judgement call, but I'd try to put yourself in your friend's position, using your sensitivity your developed through the IF journey, and tread carefully.

[Kim]

I think I would test the waters for what type of reaction you are likely to get. Whatever the problem is - I would make a small, fairly harmless comment like - I notice X does this, what do you think about that. If you get a defensive response then you'll know exactly what type of response you'll get if you suggest seeing a professional about it. On the other hand maybe she will open up and let you know what she does think about it. I think I would definately dip a toe in first cos it may help you to decide what to say or not to say next.

[Lila]

Hm, very hard question. I think I would go about it differently, coward that I am. I think I would find the mother's best friend, or sister, or mother, and tell her about my dilemma. A person close enough to care tremendously about mother and child, but also one to keep enough emotional distance to be able to relate rationally. I think I would present it as MY problem, like "please tell me I'm crazy being so worried about little X, but you know I love her, too... and I don't understand enough about development but maybe a professional should..." etc, I'm stammering even while I write. And then the auntie or best friend can choose how to react. You don't know whether they went to a professional already, do you? Maybe they were told it will pass?

Anyway, before doing any of this, I would try to inform myself on my own about the topic. and then, yes, I would share my worries with a concerned person but not the mother. If your motivation is love, then you should do it.

[Emma Stevens]

My advice? Don't say anything. None of your business unless the child is unsafe. They may already be taking care of it.

All of the suggestions here as to how to "carefully" word or "casually bring up the subject" sound rude and obvious to me. I agree with Jodie.

[Lindsey]

Oh goodness. I guess whether or not I said anything would depend on how well I knew the mother. If she were my best friend, I would probably delicately say something. Anyone else... probably not. If anyone were to say something to me about my daughter, indicating there might be something wrong with her, I'd flip out.

[daysgoby]

If someone hadn't said something to me (in this case the ladies at my sons day care) I would never have known he had certain delays. I HATED them for saying something (how dare they say my precious child wasn't normal!) at first. I think that's a normal Mama-Bear reaction. But without them noticing, then explaining (carefully,calmly, and thoroughly) why they thought C needed to be seen by Early Childhood Development we would have merrily gone on our way, and C would probably still be behind. If she's a first-time parent she may not be aware that his development isn't on the right track.

[colicmommy]

No. Do not say anything. I know you mean well, but it's not your place, T. My son had a speech delay, and I had it attended to with EI. He's fine now. But his delay was BIG (2 words at 2 years old, neither of which anyone but me and dh could understand...) I did not tell all my friends all the details of his therapy and diagnosis. My closest friends and family, yes. The gals I met at playgroup or the playground or just who lived on my street, who just hung out a bit while the kids played, the ones we just made fun chit chat with? No. I just wanted to not talk about it sometimes. I was already madly worried about my son, taking him to speech 3X per week, working on speech exercises at home, trying to find that balance between working on the exercises but not OVER working them....

A few times, someone would say something like, "wow, colicboy is SO athletic and physical! Look how coordinated he is! Maybe that's why he's not talking yet? Did your pedi say something about it?" I wanted to smack their face. Shut up lady. I'm the mom here. Keep your nose in your own business.

Yes, I was oversensitive. Yes, they cared. Yes, they were only trying to help.

But, um, so are all those assholes who say to eat pinapple, try robitussin, keep your legs up after sex, hm?

NOW, if you guys are super duper close friends, and you share EVERYTHING, and you KNOW she would tell you if her child was getting therapy... You have no doubt at all that she would share this with you... Well, if you really want to, you could try saying something like what people said to me.

But you'll probably just offend her and put her further in denial.

My 2 cents

[Kara]

As a friend, I wouldn't say anything. I think moms realize these things when they are ready to handle it and address the issue. So instead of saying something, I would just make sure I'm present, ready to be a friend when she really needs it. It'll be easier to be honest with herself if she knows she has support.

However, if I were a daycaretaker, I would. It'd be my job, then.

[wookie]

Say something! Not everyone is progressive, educated and paranoid ;-)

You could try something along the lines of "I've never seen (childs name) do (action X). What does the doctor think of that?"

You risk offense, but surely that's better than risking a child that could be easily helped.

[Tricia]

I wouldn't say anything. My best friend IN THE WHOLE world has a 5 year old son and there is clearly a problem. I've tried on a few occassions to bring it up to her and she wants to hear nothing of it. Clearly she's just not ready and having someone bring it up just rubs salt into the wound. I both dread and look forward to the day that she finally talks to me about her son's problem. I just hope it's sooner rather than later.

[Laura(southernxyl)]

I'd probably say something. Probably along the lines of "what does the pediatrician say about X"? The thing is, I have done that, and the child did have a problem the parents were clueless about, and it didn't do a bit of good. But you never know.

And sometimes the pediatricians are further into denial than the parents are - I've seen that twice, once with a boy who was deaf, and once with a girl who had Angelman's syndrome. I think I'd have to say something. And if it was my kid, and I was getting her help, I don't know why it would be offensive to think that someone cared, or why it would be so hard to say "we know, and we're dealing with it."

[Babylon]

An overweight person doesn't want weight advice from a skinny chick, and infertile woman doesn't want hints and tips from a woman who "accidentally" fell pregnant 5 times and had 5 uneventful pregnancies. And I don't think your friend will want to hear advice on her child's development from a person without professional credentials in the field and who has perfect kids. As Emma said, the "casual" or "subtle" comments suggested are like a brick to the head. Pretty rude and obvious. The worst is saying "what does your doctor have to say about that?". Did you ask her the results of her last pap smear? Are you entitled to ask confidential medical history? Or is this suggestion meant to imply that the person hasn't yet taken their child to the doctor but bloody well should? At any rate, it's almost an accusation, not a helpful suggestion. Even though the intention is nothing but genuine and sweet of course. People don't usually mean offence when they say things like that.

I did like the suggestion of maybe sussing out a closer friend, or relative, of your friend. If you really think the situation warrants it. But otherwise, maybe just give this Mum some quality time with you and your kids, let her enjoy her own child, and I'm sure she'll work it out with a little time. You're a great friend, Tertia. It's obvious you care.

[Alchemilla]

I was going to say yes tell her before I read the comments. Now I'm in a quandary.

If you were to talk to her, I think you'd have to start by talking about your fertility problems, how you hated getting assvice, how you're petrified that you might be giving it now, but that you care about her and have noticed etc.

Hell, it would still offend. No way can that not be interpreted as 'you're a crap mother because you haven't noticed and taken the initiative to get it sorted' or 'your child's behaviour/whatever is so pronounced that I can pretend not to notice even if you are dealing with it'. She will feel awful, and fiercely protective of her muchloved child, and will also worry that if you have noticed, others have too - maybe everyone is talking about it behind her back... (ahem. Not counting the internet of course!!!)

You know, maybe you're not the person who should do this?

[Beth]

Definitely not your business. It's unlikely that you have noticed something that the mother has not. I would keep my mouth shut.

[Julie]

Tell me, Tertia. I can take it.

But I don't think anyone else could. I'm with Jodie. Keep yer trap shut, lady, and just stand by to be ready to listen when your friend is ready to bring it up.

[LEB]

I'm with Babylon, the 'what does your doctor say?' is particularly unpleasant.

[Becky]

I've been your friend. I'd tell her.
My son was 13 weeks premature and DH and I are completely paranoid, overprotective types- the type that worry over every single little thing. But, we never saw the things that sent him to EI for 2 years of OT, PT, speech, feeding and child development therapy. We honestly thought he was 'normal'.
And when we were having him evaluated, someone suggested he could have Mosaic Down Syndrome (where only a % of the cells have the extra chromosome and the rest are normal). WTF??? When I mentioned this to friends, no one was too surprised, and we had no idea why. We look at pictures of him from then and he does look like someone with DS, but at the time we could not see it At All. We were talking about this the other day- wondering if he still looks that way and maybe we still don't see it. We didn't test him, so we don't really know, but he's mostly caught up after all that therapy, so we don't worry too much.
My point I guess, is that it is entirely possible your friend has no idea. We didn't see anything 'wrong' when everyone else was seeing pretty significant developmental delays and Mosaic Down Syndrome-

Love is Blind

[Heebeejeeb]

I'm with Julie, say nothing and just be there for your friend if and when she needs to talk about it.

[amy]

I have been in this situation. I decided I needed to say something. My friend was upset at first and then latter told me thank you. I think you have to evaluate your relationship with your friend against how serious you think the problem might be and make a choice. I felt my friend's daughter needed help more than I needed to worry if our friendship survived. The little gril qualified for a full time program (fourty hours of service a week) and my friendship, while rough for awhile, did survive. It is a hard call to make, I know, good luck.

[Becky]

I have a master's in early childhood special ed and this is an issue that comes up infrequently but regularly in my life. In my experience, the parent will never be particuarly happy that you said something no matter who you are. When I do evealuations for families who have brough their child to me because they already suspect a problem, no matter how results are presented there is often denial and defensiveness. There is a definate momma bear instinct and it's a fabulous thing. It help parents protect and nurture their children. Since you aren't a developmental professional you don't have a professional ethics sort of responsibility that actually makes your decision so much harder.

I think in this case, there seem to be a couple of key issues to consider. First, you refer to this mother as your friend. Is she close enough to you that you would be able to tell with resonable certainty if she knows something might be amiss- i.e. could this be a problem she knows about and just hasn't discussed it with you? Second, how likely is it that this problem will be picked up in a timely manner by a professional health care provider? I once worked with an infant who was having what appeared to be frequent small seizures which the mother had identified as excitement over having a bottle. I, and several others, noticed that they were happening at a number of other times than feeding times and were pretty far outside of the normal spectrum. Since the child wouldn't be seen by a pediatrician for several months and this had the potential to be a life threatening problem, we told her. She wasn't thrilled with the news but the child was being seen by a neurologist months earlier than otherwise. Third, is this problem severe enough and your concern for the child signifiacant enough that you are willing to risk your friendship, at least for a time, with this woman? For instance, I would tell about potentail seizures again in a heartbeat but I have held off quite frequently on relatively minor speech problems.

If you do decide to talk with her avoid postulating a specific diagnosis. Avoid comparing her child to any other child. Present your concerns in a very factual and non-judgemental manner- i.e. : I've noticed that little Skippy isn't making eye contact yet." Consider nesting your concerns within 2 posititive statements. Give the parent an out- much like Katie suggested. Share your concern and any pertinent information you have (maybe how to contact your local early interventionist) and then completely back off and change the subject as appropriate. You may want to time this to be at the end of a play session so that it's easy for the other parent to decide if they want to talk more or leave. Remember, no matter how tactfully you put it, she'll probably be hurt for at least while so, be prepared to simply accept what she says or does in response.

[Nancy]

I'm someone who leans towards telling, even though I know the world is chock full of people who would take offense!

That said, I have a friend who I've always wondered if her son is a bit off (neurologically, things don't add up) but I have never said anything. She's a nurse, so she should spot it, but on the other hand, everyone these days is so into the uniqueness and speciallness and equality of every child that it's almost taboo to question something that's off.

If something is known by them to be wrong then often they'd (or the grapevine) have mentioned it to you, wouldn't they?

Also, doctors can give false reassurance too (OFTEN), so sometimes even if she's been to a doc and was told everything is fine, being told by others that it doesn't look that way may help be what gets the kid back to the doctor (or to a better one).

[leslie]

We have close friends who were absolutely in denial that there was something wrong with their daughter. We suggested that she needed to be assessed with as many pieces of evidence as we could muster, as supportively as we could from the time she was around 2-3. It was received very negatively so we backed off. After her first year of kindergarten the school suggested that she should repeat kindergarten. We recommended the very astute teacher our daughter had had. They agreed and had their child placed in that class and the teacher realized very quickly (unlike the first year's teacher) that something was not right. She recommended screening at which point the child was diagnosed with Asbergers Syndome. She got some therapy but I don't know details because we didn't want to continue pushing in order to stay friends.

We're still good friends and the child is now in high school. It was a hard choice to say something but we knew that early intervention can make an enormous difference with autistic spectrum problems so we really felt like we had speak. I'm glad the friendship survived it - it could easily have not.

[Steph]

I agree with those that say say nothing and be ready to discuss it when/if she brings it up. The comparisons to IF and all the worthless, infuriating assvice there is completely valid. Someone's desire for privacy shouldn't be mistaken for ignorance.

If you do choose to bring it up, please oh please do it directly. I find the idea of bringing it to someone else's attention first to be totally insulting and in reality to be gossip in the name of friendship.

[Lauryan]

When my brother's first daughter was born I was 16 and overseas. By the time I got home little one was nearly a month old, and I said to my mom on the way home that something seemed not right. I couldn't explain it - just that my sister had had her first little one 5 months earlier, and I noticed a difference between the two at the same age.

My mom said nothing, but I could see she was not happy. A few months later - little one was about 5 months old by then, and my mom wore a bright red scarf while holding the baby. There was absolutely no reaction. My mom mentioned to them that there was POSSIBLY something not right and then gently suggested that they take her in for testing - either way it would allay total fears, or if there was something then the doctors could figure it out. Well, they had a fit - told my mom it was favouritism towards my sister's child and so on.

Eventually, after she was about 15 months old and wasn't crawling or walking or even trying to do those things, they took her in. She is severely brain damaged with Cerebral Palsy, Microcephaelia (sp?) and a third complication. She started therapy immediately, and my sister-in-law has been fantastic with her!

The point is this: No-one knows what would have happened if they had taken her in earlier for testing. If it were my child (and i have already told all my family and close friends) I would want to know IMMEDIATELY - esp if it's my first child! Even if she is upset with you, you need to explain to her that it may be nothing but your own paranoid tendencies, but that you couldn't consider yourself a friend and NOT say anything. Friends don't get upset with each other - they understand and appreciate the concern. Either way: 1. nothing will be wrong and all fears will be allayed. 2. They will know what is wrong and can work out a plan of action.

I'd tell her regardless.

[meg]

Katie...
People actually say "Isn't it cute that he is not talking yet"?
I found this anything but cute!

My older son did not talk until he was two (and then barely... mom, dad, up...) and didn't talk in complete sentences until he was three (and had started pre-school). We even had his hearing tested. He had some other quirks too that by themselves were nothing to worry about but all together made us worry about autism. Talking late does run in the family (although probably every family has a story that starts, "Your Uncle J didn't talk until he was 4 and now he works for NASA...")

On the one hand, I knew that this could be a problem. People like my mom and my pediatrician and Dr. Google made it clear that this might be something to worry about. So, it is unlikely, unless she is really not paying attention at all, that she doesn't know.

That being said, now that I have a second child who babbles and says actual words at 16 months, I can honestly say I had no idea. Even though I was around other kids his age, I had no idea of all the stuff he "should" have been doing. Had I had my kids in the opposite order (talkative one first) I would have been much more concerned.

So, I guess what I would do is start by talking about my kid's delays, and how worried we were and what we did. Then, if she wants to bring up something she is worried about she will, since you have already created a safe space to talk about it. Like I said, it's possible she has absolutely no idea, but I doubt it.

That non-talker is currently 4 1/2 and talks PLENTY for all of us...Thankfully.

[Rivka]

You don't give a lot of information, so it's hard to say.

Is this their first kid? If so,then they may not realize their kid isn't "normal," and not recognize a problem. (Seeing other children at playdates is not the same as raising another child and seeing the differences in behavior.)

Is the problem something physical or neurological? It it's physical, I'm guessing that they already know about the problem. But if the differences are manifesting in behavior, then they might just think that their kid is "like that," that that's his personality, and not know it could be a symptom of a bigger problem.

I find it interesting, though, that so many other commenters are saying that you should ask about the pediatrician's opinion. When my kids had problems, it was my ped who pooh-pooh'd all my concerns, and my friends who took me seriously. I had to insist on appointments with specialists before the problems were diagnosed. Sometimes the doctors just assume you're being a paranoid mom, unless they witness a problem for themselves in the five minutes you're in their office.

[Lauren]

Tertia,

Don't say anything. I'm in a playgroup of moms of babies all born within 4 months of each other and the range of development is extreme. We do have one girl who is the most behind but that is attributed to her personality more so than an issue with her.

Of course we discuss milestones and we are all aware of it but it also has made us realize that all the babies end up eventually doing the things they are supposed to. One girl starting speaking at 9 months, one girl doesn't say any words at 18 months. Some walked by 12 months some didn't by 16.

Like the other posters have said, most likely she is being evaluated but doesn't want to talk about it. I don't think I would. I'm sure the professionals are asking the questions they need to.

Let us know how it goes.

[kate]

As a mom of a son who has delays, I think you have to assume that your friend is aware of her baby's issues. It's very possible that she doesn't talk about it with you, which might lead you to think that she is unaware, but my guess is that she knows.

Also, I assume that her child goes to a pediatrician regularly - hopefully child's ped has been asking the appropriate questions.

IMO, this is between your friend and her child's pediatrician. Clearly, you care, but I don't think it's your place to bring it up to her.

Again, speaking from experience, I share my worries about my son w/ only a *very* select few of my friends. . .I have close pals that have no clue how much I worry for my baby. It's possible that they wonder about his quirks and wonder if they should bring the topic up with me, but I am grateful that they haven't brought it up. If I wanted to discuss it with them, I would start the conversation. JMO! Good luck w/ whatever you decide. It's a toughy.

[3littlepigs]

My nephew is 6 weeks older than my son. He always seemed slower and a little "off" somehow. I was very concerned and wanted to speak to SIL about this. I never did, and now at 3 years old, he is perfectly fine. I would wait, if possible to mention anything. Maybe the kid will outgrow it....unless it is something like a 3rd eye!

[Tory]

I'm with those who say you shouldn't say anything. I'm an outsider, but from what you wrote it doesn't sound like you know for sure that the parent isn't aware of/isn't already taking care of the problem. I'd imagine the parent would know his/her kids better than anyone else.

[Sharon]

Okay Tertia, I had been wrestling with this exact question. Should I risk the friendship and do what I knew was right or should I just let things be and allow the child to continue to be delayed without any intervention? I was torn, but I did have one last hope that could help.

I knew the right (proactive) thing to do was to mention something, but I did not want to make it seem as if I was comparing her child to my child or insinuating that something was "wrong" with her child.

I noticed possible signs when the baby was around 6 months old. I would try and convince myself that the baby would just mature out of it (through brain development). With my educational and professional background I am very sensitive to baby/child developmental issues. The earlier developmental delays are detected and worked with then the better the outcome can be.

The child's 1 yr check-up was coming up so I waited for an update (the mother and I usually give one another feedback on our babies) about inches and weight and such. After the check-up she mentioned to me several things the doctor explored in length. A couple that I was also concerned about.

So as for now I will not be as worried. I hope she has a good pediatrician that will closely monitor her baby.

Very tough question and situation.

[queermom]

as a behaviour therapist in an early intervention program for preschoolers with autism....I have to suggest saying something. I haven't come up with the perfect way, or any particular way, to bring it up with your friend but Early Intervention is very important to the success of a child. I am constantly amazed when parents say they didn't realize that the milestones their child was not meeting were so important. Also, as a mom of a NT (neuro-typical) toddler, I've been blown away by the amount of receptive language skills infants and toddlers have and how far behind the kids I work with really are.
Can you bring up something about shared fears of your own kids not meeting those milestones?
good luck.

[-Blue]

I had may answer pat then I read the comments ...

Then I was torn, then I thought: "Wait. Let's weigh the pros and cons here. On the one hand we have offending someone by saying something and on the other hand we have a CHILD perhaps not getting the help he needs to correct something that might affect his whole LIFE."

Hmmmmmm ...

As a person who was infertile and heard every stupid and insulting remark in the book to a parent who's heard every stupid and insulting remark in the book, I say:

I'd rather someone SAID something and offended me than NOT and my baby suffered! My child is worth more than my feelings!

-Blue

[Lisa]

Are you totally postive the parents dont already know but are just scared to admit it? She might get very defensive and just deny anything is wrong. I wouldnt say anything because a parent knows thier child better than anyone else and I think they most likely have noticed.

[paola]

If I were going to say anything (and ultimately it depends I think on your friendship, how bad you think the problem is and whether it's her first child or not) I would raise it in the context of a very general conversation about milestones and how interesting it is that all children do different things at different ages. If you can mention your specific concerns in this context it might flag up to her that there might be a problem.

Er, Katie - tee hee! I live in Central London and have just bought my 16 month old an Italian DVD (I'm half Italian and wanted her to grow up at least knowing the sounds of the language)...

[Shandra]

I was really surprised to read these comments.

I thought about it all morning and I guess it kind of crystallizes the crazy relationship we parents have to each other - we're supposed to all be helping and talking to each other and creating that "village" to raise children.

And yet, we're also all so scared of messing our kids up that other people's concerns come across as criticism or support of that little fear mongering voice inside. Add that to the stupid mommy wars - co-sleeping vs. CIO, bottle/breast, WOHM/SAHM/WAHM etc. - and I guess sometimes it seems to be the right thing to do to just shut up.

I think I'd approach it head on myself, as long as I knew the other parents reasonably well. But I wouldn't approach it like "OMG your child is fucked!" (not saying you would.) I'd approach it like this: I've noticed Child hasn't reached this milestone. How are you feeling about that?

In other words, I'd approach like how are -you- with this, mum. And if it's news to her, then it's a chance to talk about it. And if it's not and she just is scaredscaredscared for her kid the way most of us would be, it's a chance for her to get support from you - whatever that is. Including giving you signals to shut up about it, in which case I suggest that you do. :)

But I don't think there's any one true answer as to what's best to do.

[MsShad]

Don't bring peds or any other professional into it. That just implies the parent isn't paying attention.

Try talking about a worry you have with your kid/s, and "wonder" outloud what to do about it. It might open the door for her to talk about her own kid, and if it doesn't, then leave it.

[Amanda Lynn]

Well I'm not sure, never having been in the situation, but I'm pretty sure I'd talk to the parents about it. Politely, of course, gently, of course, and trying to make it clear that my only interest and concern was trying to help their child get the help they need. If I really and truly thought that early intervention wouldn't help (not that I would know, actually) I doubt I would mention it, unless I knew the parents really well,and wanted to see how they were coping with / if they noticed it.

BUT if I only knew the parents a little bit, I'm not sure I would say anything under any circumstance. That makes me sad, because I'd just be chickening out, but that's what I think I'd do.
cheers!

[Amanda Lynn]

I've just scanned the comments, and I have a further comment/question. I totally understand people hating the "Billy doesn't seem to meet X milestone, what does the pediatrician say?" type comment, because to me they seem so indirect, and loaded with judgement about how a child isn't normal.

What about if I (or Tertia, or anyone) says "Is there any chance Billy has a developmental delay? I'm not an expert but I wondered (I might add 'because he's not doing x and was late doing y'), and because I care about you and Billy so much I wanted to tell you I've worried about it. Please understand I think Billy is perfect as he is, but I know sometimes early intervention for a child can make the rest of their lives easier.". From there I would hope we'd have a good talk about it, and if the (probably) mom or (maybe) dad was offended I'd apologize but tell them about the comments I read in this post!

Hoping for feedback,
Amanda Lynn

[blackbird]

I?
would not say a word.
You?
probably should.

[Jane-Marie]

It also depends on how close you are.

[Dani]

As a mom of 3 boys that all have some sort of 'label', I'm really, truly surprised at some of the "keep your mouth shut" comments so far. I would risk a friendship, in a *heartbeat* if it meant that a child might get timely and appropriate care for issues that they may have. I was defensive the first time that someone suggested there was something wrong with middle. Then, when I realized that we were extremely lucky to get therapy started earlier than most people because of the 'early warning signs' that are often overlooked (or ignored for the wait-and-see approach) at well-baby visits, I am eternally thankful for one brave person opening her mouth. I should send this woman flowers every month for the pain that she may have spared us by getting an early diagnosis.

Early intervention is KEY! If it is something minor that can be resolved with a bit of therapy, it may mean the difference between the child starting regular school with his/her peers or needing to play catch up while attending a special education program. If it is something more significant, it means getting a head start on teaching the child the skills they need for life while their little brains are still developing.

My kids have been treated for so many different things and I've done so much research on related issues, it seems that I can spot a child with a delay from a mile away. I'm not claiming to be an expert by any means, but I am just hypersensitive to children's issues now. I have had friends over the past few years that were oblivious to the fact that their children were not just spoiled, cranky or quirky... these were kids with real issues that needed help and weren't getting it. Figuring out a way to break the ice and get into a conversation with a friend about this is very hard. I've approached every one of them differently depending on the personality of the parent. Mostly, I start off asking subtle questions about their development to see if they will then voice their concerns to me (they all know that I've BTDT and am happy to talk about it and give advice). If they don't give me the impression that they have any concerns then I take it to the next level the next time I see them. I'd say something like "Middle couldn't tolerate crunchy foods at that age, either. His feeding therapist was able to help us with that. I can show you some of the exercises that worked for him, if you'd like." That way usually got my point across without trying to label their child. That way I was only pointing out one issue that didn't necessarily have to be associated with any disorder. Usually, it would get the conversation going and no feelings would be hurt.

Only on one occasion did I have to really sit a friend down and tell her like I saw it after nearly two years of beating around the bush. Of all things, she is a social worker that sees kids with all types of issues all day long. She was obviously in denial about her own son. At every ped. visit she would come up with more reasons/excuses for why her son wasn't acting age-appropriately. The ped. thought that because she worked in that field, that she knew her child best and didn't press the issue. I finally got her to get him evaluated on the premise of, "C'mon... just humor me. The evaluation can't hurt, right?" Then I told her that if I was wrong, she could tell everyone what an asshole I was for being an alarmist and making something out of nothing.

Well, he now has more labels than I can list and attends a school for special needs kids. I wish I WAS wrong but I also wish she had listened to me sooner, as does she. She now tells me how hard of a time the teachers and therapists are having breaking him of some bad behaviors she had been allowing him to get away with while she was busy making excuses for him. Her defensiveness has turnd to thankfulness. Even if she had never spoken to me again, I wouldn't care if that meant she got some help for her son.

Tertia, I contacted you many months ago when you wrote about having the twins evaluated. Were you offended? As I recall, it opened up a great dialog and you were thankful for my input. If you had been offended, then... oh well, such is life. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't say anything and impacted someones future.

If you feel it's right, it should come easy for you. That's how I know when to say something and when not to. If I'm losing more sleep over not saying anything about a possible problem than I would if the person were to stop talking to me, that is my biggest clue.

Good luck. You are a good friend to concern yourself with this.

[-Blue]

I commented right up there, but just wanted to pose a 'devil's advocate' type question to you, Tertia (and the commentors who say unequivically that it's 'none of your business')

What if you thought that the child was being ABUSED (by someone else and the mother wasn't aware of it)?

Wouldn't you need to immediately say something?

I feel like this is similar (if it indeed would affect the child badly if he doesn't get help). We're talking about the child's welfare in both cases NOT the mother's potentially delicate sensibilities.

-Blue

[Veronica]

As the mother of a child with multiple developmental delays who waited & waited to get him assessed b/c everyone around me (incl his dr) kept reassuring me that everything would work itself out, and who wishes she'd contacted early intervention even earlier -- I say, say something.

Don't be all namby-pamby about it, as if it is something to be ashamed of, just say something. You may get a cold or hostile reaction, but it may be worth it if it gets the ball rolling to get the child some help, if s/he needs it, or to rule out any issues, if not.

Given that these type of assessments tend to be play-based and non-invasive, I am astonished by the resistance to getting them. You'd think they involved needles and restraints and anesthesia, or something.

[Bodog]

So, I take it "As a ... who ..." counts as qualifications...;)

Well, as a father and a teacher who moonlights as an asshole, I'd say something.

Seriously, it's hard to give specific "I would" statements without specifics, and the specifics aren't any of our business, but if there's a way to broach the subject inquisitively and without criticism, like..."Has baby started whatever?" and then try and steer the conversation toward having the child professionally evaluated.

Or, fuck...be blunt. Say that you're just concerned about baby's well being. Why we have to be offended when someone expresses concern baffles me.

[anna v]

Those of you with normal kids should shut up unless you're qualified or asked directly to comment. Because what are you basing your opinion on? Just what do you know about the wide range of developmental norms?

As a parent of two kids with autism, both of whom presented very differently, I've had difficult conversations with parents who suspected something was not right but in general I leave it up to them to start the conversation.

I've been the parent who has been on the receiving end of comments such as what does the doctor say? Quite frankly in the early days, if you were close enough to me to know what was going on, you knew. If you weren't then butt out.

Often accepting a child's difference is a process of grieving and it's not OK in my book to potentially trample on parents' feelings. Being slow to process or acknowledge what is going on is not necessarily a form of abuse.

And honestly those of you with normal kids? How do you think you would feel about being told that your beloved child has a lifelong disability? II, ASD, etc are not just a case of some play based therapy for a few months or years -- it's a lifelong issue. That's huge, absolutely huge.

[Margot]

Dear Tertia

I would say something. I would.

I would start by just raising the general subject of milestones, delays etc and testing the waters for her reaction. You never know, she might be worried and it might just all come out. And she may have already had him evaluated, and had it turn out to be nothing or already be having him treated.

But if not, I would start by saying how nervous I was about saying anything, how I valued the friendship and respected her as a mother, but also that I was concerned about little X. That I dreaded saying anything, and realized it might be totally inappropriate, but that, if its true, early intervention was the key and I would blame myself for ever if it turned out to the be case and I had said nothing.

I'd be surprised if her reaction was anything but cold or hostile for a while. She would be shocked and offended.

But this is a child's life here. Is any friendship (especially for a woman who has a lot of friends) ultimately more important than that?

There are all sorts of issues about which I would never say anything to another mother - breastfeeding, cloth nappies, attachment, TV, blah, blah, women get blamed for so much, but a serious developmental issue for which early intervention is critical is a whole other issue.

Margot

[BeckaJo]

SAY SOMETHING. I'm going to assume that this person is actually a friend, and not just some acquaintance or relative.

It is best to voice your concerns. Don't be mean, try to make it all about what you've observed, but don't compare her kids to yours. Compare them to something else, like those baby books all parents have piled around.

It is better to have an uncomfortable conversation once rather than have the regret a few years down the road that you didn't say anything, when it might have helped.

If she gets defensive, drop it. If she wants to spill and talk about all of her own worries, be prepared for that.

My youngest nephew was born 'different.' I knew something was off from the moment I saw him at three weeks old. I thought he might have been deaf or developmentally delayed. I mentioned it to everyone except my sister because I was afraid to hurt her.

It turns out that Eli has autism. Those first nine months before a doctor finally noticed could have helped a lot, with correcting his allergies and other problems while figure out how far his delays went. We had a nine-month-old with the skills of a two-month-old. The gap has widened and is holding steady at a year.

My sister has mentioned that she didn't feel comfortable speaking up before the doctor validated her. Those were a hard few months.

[Josie]

Anna V, I absolutely hear you. I especially agree with "Being slow to process or acknowledge what is going on is not necessarily a form of abuse". Sometimes taking your time to comes to terms with a potentially LIFELONG disability is an absolutely essential survival mechanism, it was for me. And it let me bond with my child for some precious months without being consumed by what he COULDN'T do.

[Natalie]

NO WAY.
Not even a chance that it is your place to say something. You're a mom, and an awesome one at that, but that's where your credentials end.
You've read books, hung out with kids, yes. But that's it.

I am assuming (because your post was vague) that this child is regularly being seen by a doctor for well child visits. I would leave it to the professionals to bring up any concerns that they may have.

Finally, unless you are super duper best friends with this family, I think that it's wrong to assume that they do not notice or have not addressed this. If one of my children had a special need, we would attend to it very privately, as it would not be my story to share. It would be my child's. And I am really private about our personal lives.

I know that you care, and I know that early intervention is imporant. But just no. This isn't your child and it isn't your place.

[Moxie]

We had this exact situation in my playgroup, times two. The first family had a mother that's one of my good friends. I had no idea how to tell her, and she seemed not to notice, so I said nothing and felt guilty about it. Then one day out of the blue she asked if I thought her son seemed a llittle delayed. Her pediatrician had brought it up and she was worried and wondered what I thought. I pretended to think about it, then told her my opinion. She ended up getting early intervention and 2 years later he's still behind the other kids, but has caught up tremendously.

I felt guilty about it, but it ended up fine, so I've justified my silence to myself. Except that I'm not sure I really have.

The other family was in the playgroup very briefly, and I didn't really care for the mother. She was kind of arrogant and didn't seem very connected to her son, who was a timid little mouse of a boy. He was not at all at the same level as the other kids (barely speaking at 2, still unsteady on his feet). I never said anything, mostly because I didn't want to engage the mother in conversation. I heard from a friend later on that his preschool teachers referred him for therapy and that he's seriously behind and will need an aide to go with him to school for at least the next few years. I do feel a little guilty about that, because the mother had no idea and if she had been clued in earlier he could have gotten help earlier and maybe wouldn't have fallen as far behind.

My nephew is developmentally delayed, and I've seen how much good early intervention can do, so it pains me to think of kids who need it not getting it. So if I could go back in time, I would have swallowed my distaste for that mom and said something about it to her. There's no guarantee she would have followed up on it, but at least I would have done what I could.

[Anon for this]

Because this was a live issue recently in our neighborhood, let me just say that subtle hints and innuendo backfire. Horribly. And unless you are a trained early-childhood specialist, the fact is, you only have a feeling or an instinct. So you have to balance the real, tangible, essential benefits of early intervention against the likelihood that your friend will not take kindly to subtle suggestions that something is wrong with her kid.

Luckily, being mom to twins, you can say something about having done lots of reading while on bedrest about prematurity and its consequences. You can't help noticing that Madison displays some of the warning-signs you've been on the lookout for. Perhaps it's nothing, but because early intervention makes such a difference, you strongly urge Madison's mother to get an evaluation.

Whatever you do, don't start talking indirectly about some local researcher's work in autism, and gee, maybe Madison's mom should take a look at it. Because Madison's mom is probably only going to be pissed off and shut you down right quick, delaying her ability to take action.

[Moxie]

Oh, and in our playgroup we were really open about stuff, so I knew the parents weren't doing any therapy with the kids. If you think the other mom might have the child in therapy and just isn't telling you, it might be something you don't want to mention. But if you know she isn't aware of it, then you'll be doing her a favor by telling her, even if you end up losing a friend.

[Moxie]

BeckaJo, I've been trying to leave a comment for you, but the computer won't let me. Would you email me?

[Christy]

It's hard to say for sure what I would do without knowing the details. But I will say that's how my husband's mother found out he couldn't hear. I think he was 2 1/2, almost 3 years old and finally another mother told her that she thought he couldn't hear. His mother and the doctors were all surprised, but it was true. If you really feel something's wrong, you should find a way to say something.

[ingrid]

I have a child who was dx'd with autism at 3, and that greatly informs my reaction, which is SAY SOMETHING.

Good Early Intervention can be the difference between permanent delays and temporary ones. (Exhibit A: my child who no longer carries a dx) As a few others have pointed out, if it causes tension, who the fuck cares? Too many pediatricians are totally useless at picking up on anything developmental.

I'm a little bitter because it took me a year to get the doctors to take my concerns seriously and get my son into EI. Because I was clearly concerned, friends and relatives didn't say anything, they just went into the comfort and minimize mode: "he'll be fine, it's probably nothing, blah blah blah.." NOT HELPFUL!!!! Later, I found that some had BIG concerns. I wish to hell someone had grabbed me straight away and said "get that kid a neuro eval immediately!" If he'd been dx'd at 2 instead of 3, we would have saved ourselves a lot of heartache and wasted time.

ANYWAY - what I think you could say (something I think I could have gracefully taken from a playgroup friend):

"After going through EI with Kate and Adam, it always scares me when I see certain things like Y, and when I see Susie doing Y, I get a sick feeling in my stomach. I don't know if this is something you are aware of, but Susie is so (list strengths here) that it's something that might be easy to miss. After all the assvice I've gotten in my life, I hesitate to say anything but I care about Susie enough that I've decided to risk looking like a busybody asshole and mention it to you."

HOWEVER - if there isn't any "Y" (specific things to point out) that makes it somewhat dodgy. And if your friend is giving off a very determined "everything is perfect" vibe, I don't know what to say. (Exhibit B: My good friend, whose kid is some kind of scary sociosomething. He needs some kind of help, but hell if I know what kind, and meanwhile his mom does *not* want to hear it, thanks.)

Good luck, Tertia. Please let us know what you do and how it turns out. We're struggling with this within our family, actually, but no one wants to say anything because the problems (if they *are* problems) are so subtle and the parents so fiercely resistant.

[Brandy]

I have twin boys. Blane has special needs and Dylan does not. I would give anything for Blane not to have these needs, but he does. I don't like people pointing them out, but if they feel like they are doing something to help my child, then it is fine with me. I usually tell people that we are around that he can't hear and that normally makes everyone understand. Or if he hits his head, I tell people that he is upset. What I am saying is I try to let people know he is different and not to worry about it. So for her not to ever act like there is something wrong concerns me. I would say something. Just tell her that you are just concerned for her child.

[Rachel]

The thing about saying anything is, will it result in anything? If you say something it's because you hope your friend will seek a professional opinion, but that assumes that your friend will consider your opinion to be sufficiently valid to seek out a professional opinion. I notice that many of the commenters who have found their feedback to be effective have credentials to back up their opinion.

Has your friend ever mentioned any concerns? Has she ever noted anything to you (perhaps even sought some sort of affirmation from you?)? If she has, you could note what she could do to either allay her concerns or seek help. I agree with those who note that as a parent with no specialized training or experience, you're not qualified for any type of diagnosis, on the other hand, as several commenters have mentioned, sometimes it is a total non-expert who notices that something is "off" and that seems to be more what you are trying to express, that you've noticed that the child's development seems different in a way that perhaps a professional could have something helpful to say.

I wouldn't count too much on the ped. though. I know of a child with Aspergers who was even in therapy with his mom and neither the ped. nor the therapist noted anything amiss in the child's behavior or development. In fact, it was a preschool teacher who noticed, on the first day. By the end of the first week the child had been referred for evaluation.

[Janonymous]

I am a healthcare professional who has worked with delayed kids for over a dozen years, and I NEVER comment on other people's kids' development unless I am asked or it is crucial to the child. This assumes that the parents have basic knowledge about child development and take the kid to the pedi on a regular schedule. In my case, they know what I do for a living and will ask me if they have concerns. For example, my neice has some speech problems, but her mother (my SIL) is a kindergarten teacher, had speech probs herself, the neice is starting preschool (where she will be screened for these probs), and the problems are not serious in her life yet. Knowing my SIL, I figure she is aware of the problems and has not asked me because she is not ready to deal with it and/or discuss it with me. And one thing I have learned is that a parent has to be interested in getting help for it to work.

On the other hand, I have several friends who have asked my opinion and I gladly told them my concerns about their kids, and recommended professionals who could evaluate them. They were often relieved, having been told by people who thought they were being helpful, "Oh, he's just fine. You're worrying about nothing," etc.

And you must also consider, as noted above, the "assvice" factor. So, say something only if all of the following are true:
1. This is a relatively serious problem that requires professional intervention.
2. The parent does not have knowledge/experience to know what to expect in "normal" development.
3. The parent doesn't take the child to the pedi, or says things that make you think the pedi isn't doing his/her job.

And I think if you MUST say something, describing your concerns with your own kids as a way of giving her an opening to share hers is the best way.

Sorry so long. Know-it-all, aren't I?

Jan

[Andrea]

Wow, this topic must have touched a nerve; lots of comments. I voted "I wouldn't say anything because of fear I would hurt my friend." I truly believe that people I know well enough to spend enough time around their kids to make my own assessment of whether or not their children have behaviors that are concerning, are people that are going to notice this on their own.

Probably you saying something is not going to make or break it for this child's future. If their behavior is that concerning, SOMEONE else will notice - the child's parents, grandparents, caretakers, pediatrician - don't make yourself feel guilty because you did not say something. I don't think it's your responsibility.

Tough question.

[margalit]

I read though about half of the comments before writing this, so I'm writing not just my own feelings on the subject but also my visceral response to some of the comments I've read.

First, I have a daughter with developmental delays. Pretty big ones, actually, and had someone not said to me when she was only 4 months old that they thought there might be something amiss, and that I should take her in for neurological testing, I don't know how long I would have been in denial. As it was, DD started EI at 4.5 months and her CP/spastic quadraplegia was almost gone by the time she was 4. She has many other residual problems, but she walks and runs, and jumps and does everything any other athletic kid does. This was a kid that was suspected of never ever walking.

So, having someone more experienced say something to me was a lifesaver. It was probably the best advice I've ever gotten and this person is still a close and respected friend.

Now, with that in mind, my closest friend has a son who is now 15.5 years old, and no matter how many times people suggested that something was amiss with this kid, she was, and still is in TOTAL denial. He was tossed out of one preschool, she found another. He was tossed out of public kindergarten, she put him in private. He was tossed out of public first grade, again she went private. Private tossed him in 3rd grade, she tried public again. Every one of the schools BEGGED her to go for an eval for this kid, but she just wouldn't hear of it. He was medicated for ADHD after a quick visit with a neurologist, but it was OBVIOUS that this wasn't the problem. When he was 9.5, whilst visiting his grandparents, he got so violent that they refused to have him in the house and ordered the parents to get help or they would sue for custody. These are grandparents that I know well and suggested to them that they consider the AS, but the also were in denial and pretended that it wasn't happening. It was THAT BAD. Nobody in that family would admit there was a problem, and to this day, nobody admits it or talks about it. I bring it up all the time, but that's because it drives me nuts that they ignore this child's problems and do absolutely NOTHING to help him. They think sending him to a special school is all that is required of them. They don't even back up what he learns in school at home, so manners at school aren't followed at home. It's like living with Helen Keller pre Annie Sullivan.

Parents finally got a decent eval when he was almost 10, and the kid was diagnosed with PDD/NOS and severe emotional disturbance. He is in a special school for ED kids, and because they just refused help for so long, there really is no hope for this kid. He is SO weird and so creepy/scary that most kids won't go near him. He's extremely violent and disruptive. He has never had a friend, never connects with anyone, even his parents. It's horribly sad.

So when your commenters say that all parents know inside that there is a problem, I scoff because I know that isn't true. In fact, these parents have never told their younger daughter what is wrong with her brother. MY child told her once in the middle of one of his fits with the police and ambulances and emts at the house. The daughter was so scared she was shaking and my kid told her that he was autistic and she was just astonished. When I confronted the parents about how unfair that was, they said "we don't believe in labels". They are so mortified to have a kid on the AS that they pretend it's just not happening.

With those two data points in mind, I say you should say something. Try not to seem like you're doing the alpha mom competitive baby stuff, but if you think there's something off, something beyond simple developmental milestones missed, then yes, say something. But read up on symptoms and maybe give your friend articles to read. If you're concerned and caring and not judgemental, it will most likely be recieved well.

[Steph]

My son has some delays that I am told are borderline. He's been evaluated and approved for EI. I'm not exactly sure what they will offer him, but I am looking forward to helping him in any way that we can.

I am all for EI, i actually pushed it for my son....BUT, does it really make a difference? and how can we truly know? I'm certain there are some conditions that no amount of intervention will make a difference.

I wonder what is the most reliable reference for developmental milestones? I find the books that i have contradict each other a lot.

[Robin from TLOL]

I think if it were me (and without knowing any of the specifics of this particular situation), I would tend toward the "supportive listener" end of the equation. I might bring up a concern I had about my OWN children with a comment that motherhood can be kind of scary sometimes, especially when you see X and don't know if it's something to be concerned about or just your own mommy paranoia (i.e. my daughter still wasn't pulling up at 11 months and her well baby nurse was starting to hassle me), and gee wouldn't it be nice if children came with instruction manuals... That way I'd hope to just open the door a crack to a conversation about our (her) fears about our children's development, if there are any, and it's her choice whether to open it further or close it. That way you've just hinted that you'd be a good listener, but you're not forcing a confession or level of intimacy which she may not want.

Whatever you decide, you're a good friend to be concerned about both the child and her mother.

[Kelly]

I am so torn on this, but I lean more towards say nothing. Unless you are a terribly terribly close friend.

You might be surprised in what they know. I am not completly out IRL about my child's delays and more than once had one of the soccer moms feel free to give me advice about my child's motor skills delays.

The thing is, my child's condition, is HIS condition, and while I blog about it in relative anonymity in real life it is his brain and his life and he gets to decide what to share. So you could very easily be wrong about parents not knowing something is "off"

Remember what it felt like with the fertiles were sharing their "diagnosis" with you when you were IF? It feels the same to us parents of children with delays.

[Beth in Michigan]

T, I'm sorry you're in this situation. My initial response was "Crap, I have no idea." Now, after reading all the comments I have to say that my initial response was correct. There are so many variables, so many little ways that we fail when we try not to hurt other's feelings. The only remotely helpful thing I can say is to put yourself in her shoes and think about how you would want this presented to you, then follow your heart.

[alchemist]

I would say something but I'd make it specific about the particular thing I'd noticed, and I'd make it a question, not a diagnosis: "Say, Joey seems to have trouble throwing a ball. What's up with that?" I would NOT "Say, have you had Joey assessed for PDD?"

If she responds defensively, then she's probably already aware of the problem and has already heard this question from her mother/sister/co-worker/etc. If she breezily says "oh, he's only 2/he's clumsy/that's just how he is" than you can carefully suggest that an assesment might be in order. If she says "yeah, his gross motor skills aren't great but our doctor says not to worry" then you know it's ok to actually have a conversation about milestones & doctors and what have you.

[Adi V.]

First I will tell you what I do and then I will tell you why I do it.

I go ahead and ask why the kid isn't doing whatever it is that the kid isn't doing. I don't beat around the bush. I don't mention the doctors. I just come right out and fucking *ASK* why something is going on the way it is. And then I say "Oh, ok." when I get an answer. If the answer is "I don't know." then I ask if they would consider telling me why when they find out.

Now here's why I don't much like to pussyfoot around.
When I was four years old I was still largely unable to communicate with my family and had to rely on my brother to translate for me. One of my mom's cousins had a similar problem which was 'cured' when their sister was forbidden to speak for her any longer so mom decided to try the same approach with me. It didn't really work all that well and I was about a week away from never speaking again when I figured out how to read from watching mom tutor my brother. After that I knew that if I got too excited or freaked out to the point that I couldn't make any sound other than a grunting wail that I could still tell the people around me what I needed instead of just pointing and crying.
To this day I can still remember the shame that I had felt because I couldn't do something that I KNEW I should be able to. I remember how bad I felt when people would say that I would 'grow out of it' soon enough and be quite the chatterbox by next year when I KNEW that something was very, very wrong and yet I couldn't tell anyone about it. I HATED it when my elders would pat me on the head and tell my parents that everything was fine, that it was no big deal. And I sometimes hated myself because I figured that there must be something terribly wrong with me as a person if I couldn't even do something as simple as say Please and Thank You.
And so, with those memories of shame and impotent rage fresh in my mind I have something that I would like to say to those commenter's who would liken this to assvice about IF....Get the fuck over your own feelings of self pity and deal with the fact that your frustration is a petty, insignificant blip compared to what a delayed child is trying to deal with. Your indignation, and the embarrassment of the people who ask you about your kid IS NOT ALL THAT IMPORTANT when you think about the fact that any delayed child who is not a vegetable is, in fact, aware that there is something wrong and will often blame themselves for it.

Adi V.
Who knew there was something terribly wrong with her for over two years before learning how to read.

[Kelly]

Let me echo again from a mom with a child with obvious delays, it is none of your business what is wrong with my kid. So unless you are very close I would not mention it and I sure as hell wouldn't say "XYZ isn't happening whats up with that?" Or flat out ask what is wrong...because you may end up with a mama bear on you :) And you could hurt a fledgling friendship for nothing.

It might be better to ask around to people who are closer to her, or just offer a similar story and see what happens. But I would never ever say "What is wrong with your kid" It would piss me off, it has pissed me off.

[Kelly]

Oh and Adi? My child is getting help. I don' SUCK as a parent, I am not wallowing in self pity. I simply am protecting my child and his right to own his own life and his own story.

People can get help for their kids without having nosey friends comment on it to "awaken them"

[Laura(southernxyl)]

I find Adi's point of view compelling. I can't imagine getting mad because people express concern for my child. Everything is not about Mommy and her feelings.

[Laura(southernxyl)]

Not to mention, caring people who ask questions are not causing your child's problem.

[Kelly]

Because Laura, my child has a right to privacy about his delays. He has a right to not have it discussed. He can hear, he can think, he can interpret. He has a right to own it. It has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with the fact its none of anyone's business. I respect the right he has to share with whom he desires.

Why do you think differently?

[wookie]

This has struck a lot of nerves, mine included.

Deep-six the friendship if you have too (and there is absolutely no real good indiator on how she will react), but say something. Her reaction will be what it will be, but personally, I could not live with myself if I didn't say anything and that child ran the risk of not being "caught" otherwise.

In regards to the childs privacy with developmental issues, the mother does have every right to tell you or I or an other nosy person to sod off. However, we as the observers have an obligation, I feel, especially as friends who see the child regularly, to say something.

[Alex]

You know, I thought I didn't have a right to comment because I'm not a mom (though I am a stepmom, so maybe I am. I do wish someone had helped my now-adult stepson with his difficulties in reading, because I bet he could have gotten past them, as my brother did with his (and lots of support from my mom) when they were addressed (brother) instead of ignored (stepson)).

But I am an IFer and if that's taught me one thing it's that I will never, ever assume that a doctor treating me or anyone I care about is on top of even basic issues relating to my care. Cynical, but true. Insofar as possible I will always check up on what they advise. So to assume that this is something a "ped" would have noticed...I would never do this.

And, yes, I would say something. I'd probably preface it with an apology about the prospect of delivering assvice.

If the mom is a good friend, she should expect you would do this, given what you've noticed. And if she's not, well, even if she is offended/never speaks to you again, what have you really lost?

You may hurt feelings if you raise the issue and it's not necessary, or not acted on. But if you don't raise it and the mom doesn't know and would have acted on the info., well, you've lost a chance to help a kid.

That's what I think.

[Jodie]

Adi V, I'm really very sorry for what happened to you as a child. I respect your point of view.

But please, respect mine too. I am the parent of a delayed child, and I am on top of it. Some parents might live in ignorance, but I would say most are clued in. Like Kelly, I would like my child to have his privacy. I don't want to be talking about his problems, in front of him, to strangers. All the time. I want him to have a shot at a normal world while we deal with the abnormal. It's not about simple embarrassment. It runs much deeper than that.

I am not pitying myself, I am not wallowing. And you say we're not thinking of what's happening with our child, only ourselves. My every living minute is consumed with my son and helping him overcome his issues. I cry for him when he cannot see, and I am the best parent I can possibly strive to be. We go to 3 types of therapy, I don't have time for myself because I am doing things for him. I am not embarrassed by the way he is. But I want the right to live my life, and the right for him to live his, without judgement, and unwanted advice from people who don't know us. I don't want my son to have an added stigma because people don't come up and ask about his beautiful eyes, they ask why he can't walk. Negative, negative, negative is the vibe he's getting from well-meaning strangers. Maybe next time you come right out and tell a parent what you think you could add something positive. Because as a child who has had delays in the past, surely you know the kids could use that.

And when you want to bag out my point of view, it doesn't have to be nasty. You don't have to swear at me. I can be an adult about these things and appreciate your opinion. Just please respect mine.

[Laura(southernxyl)]

I would have thought it was a given that if a child is old enough to hear and understand you wouldn't discuss his disabilities in front of him like he was a dog or something. For pete's sake. Is that really what the problem is?

[Kelly]

Laura - It isn't just IN FRONT OF HIM. It is at all. I discuss it on my blog, at work (because I took of many days and needed to explain it) and with those on a need to know basis, teachers, dr's, caretakers. No one else has a right to know. It is HIS story to share, not mine.

So when mom from the soccer team says to me, "Boy T can't run aren't you worried?" I have to restrain myself, because hell yeah i was and am worried, more than you can ever know...but it isn't her business and it isn't my right to tell her. I usually answer, no he will learn in time.

I am sure she thinks my child isn't getting help, but he is. He deserves medical privacy too.

See what we are getting at now?

[Alex]

Kelly,

You raise interesting points and obviously, you are taking great care of your son. Thanks for giving me something to think about.

The idea of medical privacy is an interesting and I think, fairly new concept. In the U.S., the HIPAA law provides some protections about how our medical information is released (or not) by service providers and insurance companies. I believe this law is in part a reaction to companies that, in the 1980s, fired employees with AIDS -- information that the companies knew because they paid for the health insurance and had data on what services and drugs their employees were prescribed. I don't know much if anything about how other countries address the legal aspects of this issue.

While the HIPAA protections strike me as a good thing, in my observation, medical privacy in practice remains elusive. Speaking from experience, in a small city, chances you'll bump into someone you know as you walk into the hospital where your reproductive endocrinologist works, or into the clinic itself, turn out to be annoyingly high.

It sounds like you deal with this issue a lot (privacy, not infertility), and I wish you luck because it seems to be tough to achieve.

Oh, and I certainly agree that it would never be appropriate to talk about a child's (perceived) problem in front of (as opposed to with) that child if the child is old enough to understand, and probably better to avoid doing it anyway, just to be safe and in case doing so upsets mom in a way even an infant can sense -- which seems like a real possibility, obviously.

[Laura(southernxyl)]

I don't know, Kelly ... if you have him playing soccer and the other moms can clearly see his delays, his privacy is already shot. It seem to me that you could just say you know he has issues and they are being dealt with, thanks for your concern. This all seems extremely minor to me compared with the possibility that a child isn't getting services that he needs because everyone's afraid to open their mouth.

[Kelly]

Ahh, but that is just the obvious delays Laura. Its a very tricky thing the broken brain is.

T can't live in a world where children run and not have his one delay noticed, at least now, we have high hopes for his progress in gross motor skills due to toe agnosia compared to a year ago. He also lives in a world that because he can see, speak, and hear at or above the expected level his other delays remain a mystery. The same way his amazing-ness is a mystery.

But that doesn't give you or others the right to comment on it. If you were a terribly close friend, or a person in position (caretaker, teacher, dr, etc) who ethically should tell, than by all means. But I didn't get that impression from this. If you are a soccer mom? You don't get to invade his right to secrecy or non secrecy just because you are busy playing at home CPS investigator.

By the way, my child is in soccer to help his gross motor skills. The same as violin. In addition to his therapy.

My greatest joy in life will be when T grows up, looks at his childhood and says "Sure, I mean I knew there was something wrong with my brain, but it never affected me. It never became me."

And I don't have to justify providing that childhood to him. So to the general public I will look like the incompetent parent to spare him.

[trisha]

Calling a child "off" is freaking sick.

My son is autistic and if any of you were to call him "off," I would seriously kick you in the shins.

That is just sick.

Like you are, what? "on?"

Stupid, stupid dumbasses. Fuck off.

[e]

Tricky one. This has happened a couple of times to me. It seems to depend on the parents in question. With one, I quite confidently suggested they see a speech therapist when their child was still unintelligible at 4 and a half. However, this followed two years of muttering behind her back that the child in question was not speaking as he should. It was only however when his nursery school teachers started talking about specialist help that they actually addressed his problems.

The other child had issues from a very early age, and really quite pervasive ones at that, but the parents were so much in denial, and indeed defensive about their son's behaviour, that I did not dare say anything. He is now over 9 years old, and they only just seem to have realised that his behaviour is not normal. However, I do not think that pointing out the bleeding obvious to all but them earlier would have yielded any benefits beyond alienating them as friends, and I was cowardly unwilling to do that. I sometimes wish I had said something sooner although I don't think it would have made any difference. I don't think people take any notice until they are ready to address their child's problems, or unless a professional brings it to their attention. In England, the health visitors, or later, teachers, should pick up probllems but some children just slip through the net. Maybe a friendly remark is another layer of net to help children with difficulties. Maybe I should not have been so cowardly about this child.

[Laura(southernxyl)]

"If you were a terribly close friend, or a person in position (caretaker, teacher, dr, etc) who ethically should tell, than by all means. But I didn't get that impression from this."

Ah, this explains the disagreement. I did get that impression. Tertia said she was talking about a friend's child, and I assumed that was what we all were talking about.

"busy playing at home CPS investigator." Hm. I think that's a little harsh. I asked a friend once if her 4-year-old child could hear. The child had eaten all her french fries and wanted more. I don't really like them, and I offered mine. No response. Her mother touched her arm, and when the kid looked up, said, "Miss Laura offered you her fries." The kid happily came to me and got them. The mom was my college suitemate, by the way. Was I playing at home CPS investigator by asking that question?