More on the ‘what would you do’ friend

 

To follow up on my previous post.

 

I wish I could say more. But I can’t, not without giving away too much information. I need to respect that person’s right to privacy.

 

The issue I am talking about is a physical one.  I don’t think it is very serious, but it is something that I think early intervention would help with tremendously.  And it is something that I think if not addressed could possibly lead to issues down the line.

 

And no, I really don’t think the parents have any idea. They think that the child will get better / outgrow it as he gets older. And no, the child hasn’t yet been assessed by a medical professional.

 

I really can’t say more, but I think the right thing to do would be to tell the person outright that I think the little boy could possibly be dealing with some minor issues that a few simple exercises could help tremendously with. And that I faced a similar, yet not exactly the same thing with Kate and the exercises the OT gave us helped so much. I have another friend who only discovered some of these issues later, at age 7, and is now having to do all sorts of interventions and therapies to address it. I obviously wont mention this last part because my intention is not to scare the mother. But it is something that is driving me towards saying something.

 

I know I found it very hard when I heard that Kate might have some issues, but I RAN to OT, as fast as I could.  I am glad I had a paediatrician who was so honestly brutal. And yes, everyone said to me ‘oh don’t worry; some kids are a bit slow / just don’t ever XYZ’ etc.  Yes, some kids don’t, but I want to do everything possible to maximise my child’s chances at a healthy, fulfilled future.

 

I must say something. Not because I want to offer advice, or remedies, or miracle cures, but because I honestly believe the parents don’t know.  I would want to know. Especially if it is something that if addressed early enough, is totally ‘fixable’. I am not going to be offering assvice, what do I know anyway? But I think I am sensitive enough to say it in a way that will be as inoffensive and gentle as possible.   

 

I must say something. For the child and for the parents.  If they hate me for it, then so be it.  I would want someone to tell me.

 

Comments

[Julia]

I personally would say something too. And since you come from having some experience with OT, and know a friend with particular experience, etc then I bet you will present it from loving place, which is always better than coming from someone who claims to know everything but not had any experience.

[Kez]

Go for it. Because you have had the experience with Kate, you can reinforce that while it hurts to think your child has a problem, it can be fixed. If your friends know Kate, they will see that Kate is fine and that a bit of OT was beneficial.

Maybe something like "You know, the OT I saw with Kate says he sees a lot of kids who *insert problem here*. I think your little boy is showing signs of that. Do you want me to show you some exercises that might help?" From there, you can maybe suggest they get a consultation to tailor the exercises individually to their son.

If I'm ever uncomfortable saying something to someone, I generally tell them that I am uncomfortable. I don't apologise, but I let them know that I am nervous. It seems to help.

[Dani]

Taking risks is part of life and most times there are consequences.

If you don't say anything and the issue continues to go overlooked, the child may be faced with unnecessary challenges that he/she may never overcome or have a harder time rehabilitating due to not getting the required care early enough.

By saying something and possibly offending your friend and hurting your relationship you risk her never talking to you again.

Hmmm... I think your friend will get over it whereas the child may not.

I totally support you in your decision and I wish I could sit there and hold your hand (and the hands of child's parents) while you take this brave step.

Mostly though, I can't stop thinking about this child and hope that he/she is really okay and we're all arguing over nothing. :)

[Jodie]

I don't agree with you T, but I do agree that you are doing what you believe is right. From your last post I thought it was a massive issue, now it is sounding like a more minor one. I still wouldn't intervene, but respect your right to do so. Let us know how it goes, and I hope the child receives the help he needs.

[Jo]

Hi Tertia,

Delurking here. I am a Special Ed Teacher (Pre-K) and I have to say that the absolute BEST thing you can do for a child with issues is to intervene EARLY. As early as possible. Not being a parent myself, I can only imagine the heartache of being told that your child has a problem. However, all the research says that the earlier an intervention takes place, the better the chance that the child CAN overcome/deal with the reality of the situation.
Also, on a personal level, I was born premature (36 weeks) around 30 years ago. I had open heart surgery right after birth, and a big brain bleed that significantly damaged portions of both my left and right hemispheres. The doctors told my parents to institutionalize me, that there was no hope. My dad refused. He worked with me, doing whatever he could to strengthen both my mind and body. I was dramatically behind 'normal' milestones, both mentally and physically. However, 'round about 5th grade, I began to catch up with everybody else. I still have issues, mentally (learning disabilities, some severe, some mild) and physically (I am VERY clumsy, poor fine motor control), but I made it through college, and get around just fine (albeit with some killer bruises :->). This v long winded post boils down to this: Early intervention is the best thing that can happen to a child. It's worth hurt feelings or worse, it's worth the uncertainty and fear of placing your child in a special class, it's worth the sleepless nights of wondering if you did the right thing. The child is worth it. Thanks for raising this topic, Tertia, 'cause the more people know, the better equipped they are to make rational decisions for their children's futures.

[Bebs]

Tertia, I think the mother might appreciate you telling her personally then people start noticing and talking about it and she might be confronted with it at a social situation where it is much less convenient. That might hurt a lot more. It may be good to "prepare" her for what other mothers may notice and tell her, maybe in a much less sensitive manner than you would.

[Alchemilla]

Hmmmm. At 5am this morning, nursing my own little tyrant, I mulled this one over and over.

As well as having shades of 'would you tell your friend if her husband were cheating on her?', there are all sorts of issues here: our own attitude to different conditions (funny how we wouldn't be having this discussion if you suspected little Murgatroyd of having, say, a broken wrist - you'd just ask 'does M have a broken wrist?'); the legacy of well-meaning interference in our own IF past; our need not to offend - maybe even our own need to be liked; and respecting other people's privacy and actions.

By pussyfooting around it so much, prefacing the gentle comments - nay, suggestions - with all sorts of disclaimers, maybe it makes it worse? It becomes a huge deal, and maybe even takes on a shameful element?

What would be wrong (and I'm genuinely asking here) with asking right out 'Does M have a mild form of autism/whatever?'. You'll either get the answer 'yes, and ...' or 'what on earth makes you say that?' (whereupon you can say 'because he did blah and I know how great EI can be' or 'certainly not you meddling baggage now eff off' (but while hating you she'll sure look into it).

Hmmmm. What I've written bears little resemblence to my comment to your original post. Don't envy you one little bit.

[Ute]

I guess it all depends on the parents' attitude towards their child's development. Do you reckon that this couple regards their child's milestones as their personal achievements? I.E., would they consider any remarks from your side as personal criticism? Or are they aware that a child being behind in some parts of its development ist by no means a reflection of their personal parenting qualities?

If the latter is the case, I would address the issue flat out like the "broken wrist" mentioned above by a previous poster. If the former applies, I'd divert the conversation to the problems you had with Kate and then carefully hint that you suspect a similar problem in their case.

BTW: My own daughter refused to sit up or crawl until she was 9 months old. I'm glad someone pointed out to me that this was beginning to get a little worrysome, and I went to get a perscription for special gymnastics straight away. She was sitting, crawling, standing and cruising a mere 6 weeks later. But I bet she still wouldn't be if that person had decided not to breathe a word about his suspicions to me.

Currently, I'm trying to find out whether or not she may be a little cross-eyed. Our optalmologist told me that it's still a bit too early to tell. My gut feeling tells me that there is something slightly amiss with her eyes. (http://zickenterror.koberstein.org/comments.php?id=1167_0_1_0_C) But what kind of comments do I get from my well-meaning friends? That it's just "cute" - as if that could be helpful in any way. *sigh*

[CeeCee]

Oh well, wouldn't be my call but you obviously mean well. Let us know what happens, I think it would be good for all of us to learn how to handle a situation like this, it's bound to come up again and again throughout life.

[paola]

I think you're right. At the end of the day it's the child that matters.

If I now had a disability or had had to go through years of interventions and therapies to solve a problem which could have been corrected more easily when I was younger - just because someone was trying to spare my mother's feelings, I would be absolutely LIVID.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[daysgoby]

You're a good friend, Ms. T.

[H.A. Page]

I read all the comments on both posts. This really touches an issue that we all have as women -- it it isn't a potential challenge with a child, it might be financial struggles, health issues or marital problems.

So the boundaries between friends and family is sometimes an obstacle course where it isn't clear how to be a good friend, how to offer support and love, or what is the right thing to do.

I've found that when one offers disclosures of one's own life, it takes the friendship to a deeper level and other things can be disclosed on both sides. But then there are somethings that one wants kept private.

It is an issue-by-issue, relationship-by-relationship thing. Hmmmm.. made for lots of thinking, this one.
Cheers.

[Whitney]

I would say something too I think. Like you, I'd want someone to say something to me if they suspected something "off" about my child. You are doing what's in the best interest of the child.

[kristin]

the fact that kate had a similar issue is a nice way to bring it up... that way the other parent doesn't feel to vulnerable about their childs issues... and instead of telling them what they "should" do, you're sharing what you "did" do to remedy the situation... of course being tentative about the whole thing ("it may be nothing, but i noticed a similar issue in kate...blah blah blah, so i just thought i'd let you know that xyz really helped...") helps, too...

[Caroline]

I think you need to go with your gut here. Something inside is telling you to talk to this woman - I would listen to that instinct. Might use your experiences with Kate as an entree to the conversation. Good luck!

[Michelle]

I'd say something for sure. She may get offended or pissed off or whatever, but to not say something and watch this child grow older and develop further issues would be something I could not do. You will be saying something out of true concern for her child and sharing Kate's OT adventures would be a good way of "levelling the field" if you will.

Someone said something to me about autism when my boy was 2 years old and I was furious, upset, offended, etc. But I got him to a developmental pediatrician ASAP and they could not rule autism out. Many specialists and years later, we now know he has Asperger's. He is in a regular classroom and has been since kindergarten. He loves math and the piano. Plays soccer and loves to draw maps. He has come so far, and that's all due to early intervention in my opinion.
Take a deep breath and say something.
Good luck!

[victoria]

To me, it seems like a no brainer, of course you should say something -- even if you don't find the most perfect tactful way to do it. The potential risk of speaking = a friend takes offense. The potential risk of NOT speaking = a kid misses a chance to get help early. Is there really any comparison?

Tertia, sometimes a true friend will tell you things that are hard to hear, because they care about your welfare enough to take the trouble. If your friends understand that, they won't feel even a fleeting irritation, even if you don't find the perfect way to put it.

Plus, I'm sure anyone who knows you knows how gentle, respectful, and kind you are, and will take anything you say in that context.

[Menita]

Good for you. Good luck.

[Kelly]

Even though I was one of the ones reccomending not saying anything, it sounds like you have it well thought out. And honestly I do think approaching it the Kate route is a good idea.

Keep in mind though, just because the mother might blow it off doesn't mean she isn't aware. Many parents of children with delays are taking the "It isn't my story to tell" route and their child could be getting help and they would never tell you. I am one of those parents.

[Shannon]

As you said, the earlier these kids can get into therapy, the better off their future will be. My daughter has cerebral palsy and we started intense therapy (four days a week) when she was a year old. I've talked to other parents that didn't start until their kids were three or older and we are far ahead of the game.

I think you can talk to the parents graciously and "non-threatening". At least then you will know that you brought it to their attention.

[Alex]

I'm glad you are going to talk to her and agree with others that the "Kate" approach might be a good way to do so.

[Sandy]

You know, you could always use Kate as an example to your friend. "Your child is showing the same signs that Kate did. Are you doing any EI?" If she says no, then you could gently point out what it is that you are noticing. I think that as a true friend, she would know that you aren't trying to be hurtful, but helpful. And since you've been through it with Kate, you could offer to help her or give her support....

[Michelle]

I missed the prior discussion because I was gone this weekend, but I wanted to give you one more voice of support for saying something, Tertia. I am so not getting the parents who say it is none of your business, offensive, etc. This is a child's life we are talking about, and we all know that early intervention is key in many of these cases. Why would someone not want what is best for their kid? I would do anything to help my daughter in life - if she needs any extra help we would get it for her. When my daughter's preschool teacher last year told me she had noticed some vision issues and that I might want to get her eyes checked, I called the pediatric opthamologist that day. I can't imagine reacting any differently if it was a developmental issue.
I have experienced this from the "telling" end also, and yes, parents are often in denial. One boy in our playgroup clearly has a problem. MANY people have mentioned it to the mom, and she cries and says he is fine. At 2, when he said no words, his wacky holistic pediatrician told her "He is just taking in the world and will talk in his own time." At 3 his preschool teacher told her she should get his ears checked and the mom said "he can hear fine." At 4 when his speech was unintellegible, I gently told her about a friend whose daughter's talking improved greatly with speech therapy. She cried and said he doesn't need it, that her husband was a late talker as well. Now he is 5 and going to start kindergarten and talks like a 3 year old. Certainly the K teacher will force the parents into action, but it makes me sad that early intervention years ago could have helped this poor boy. But, at least I feel that I tried. Tertia, if this woman takes offense, please don't take it personally. Maybe, just maybe, you will spark something in her that makes her take action to help her child.

[Louise]

When I read your original post, I first thought, "Oh, I would not say anything at all."

But now, reading your clarification, and the extra info. that you dealt with something 'similar' with Kate, I have another thought.

What do you think about bringing up the topic by confiding in your friend? Share how you were concerned about Kate x many months ago, but now she is doing so much better after you realized the problem and after she got the therapy she needed. Maybe hearing some of the similar "symptoms" will help.

And if the parent hears concerns from you, and eventually others, then it may help them investigate further...

I am not sure that I like the "what does your dr. think?" advice, as it could come off as a bit condescending.

I only offer this roundabout way of bringing up the topic b/c of my own infertility experiences. I am a very private person, but when someone opens up to me "first," and shares some of their worries or problems, then I feel more comfortable sharing my woes or fears.

I am glad that you are such a caring friend!

[Kelly]

Can everyone stop with the diagnosing of everyone's children as "off" or socio-somethings?

Please, really....as a parent of a child that I am sure many of you at home CPS investigators would describe that way. You can't even imagine how that makes the kids feel....

Is a kid with leukemia off? What about Diabetes?

[Kelly]

oops meant that comment to be on the other post :)

[scott]

Hey, T, if you think my kids are FLK's (Funny looking kids)- just TELL me, for crying out loud!
They may be half crazy, but we breed 'em that way...
Of course, your sweet twins are just fine! (Whispers to Neen....)

[Christy]

Hi Tertia, I'm a pediatric physical therapist, and I fully support you telling the parents. Because, as you know, the early intervention can make all the difference. And because there are things that can get compounded over time of not addressing the problem. And because their child's pediatrician might be the kind who would let it go indefinately. There are MANY too many pediatricians who ignore problems that should be addressed. You're a good friend and I'm sure you'll find a way to tell them without making an ugly, friendship-ending scene. Good luck.

[Judy]

Tell her, T. Tell her upfront - beating around the bush will only make a mountain out of a molehill, and she needs to hear it from a friend. And, if she tells you off because of it, then she's not that great of a friend, or she'll come back around when she realizes how much you loved her enough to care about her and her family.

Good luck, girl (sorry this is kind of blunt - at least for me - but I'm soooooo very tired and sleep deprivation makes me snappy - apparently even in my writing!)!

[Jodie]

Everyone keeps saying that it's "risk to the child" vs "risk of offence". It isn't like that to me, I don't take offence easily. Of course I don't think offending a parent is worse than stunting a child's development. It's a stupid argument. What I've tried to say, and Kelly too I think, is that there has to be SOME consideration for the fact that the parent may already be aware. That people with developmentally delayed children, like me, do not need a constant barrage of well-meaning advice from people who want to save the world. I am saving my child's world, and we want the right to live our life in peace, to be treated as normal members of society, without being watched, measured and judged. Some people here seem like they are on a crusade to tell every parent what they think of their child's milestones. As if there isn't enough pressure and worry on parents.

Now, since Tertia's update, things are a bit clearer. It does seem like this parent doesn't know, maybe needs to know. That is T's call, and that's fine. I hope it all works out for the best. But we can't blanketly say it's everyone's duty to go around telling all parents of delayed children what's what. Why do you know more than them?

Another bit of food for thought, I had a good chat to my child's neuro about "age adjusted". He has another theory about delays. It is commonly accepted that children who have a delay due to being preemie, or suffering a major illness/accident as a child should be assessed as "age adjusted" until 2. That is, if a baby is born two months early, he is assessed as 2 months younger than his birth age. If a child is desperately ill for 3 months and can't develop in that time, the adjusted age is the birth age minus 3. The neuro follows this train of thought. He also says that in his FORTY YEARS of experience, most of these children, where there isn't a major continuing factor impeding development, will catch up by 2. You don't need to adjust for age by then. You can do OT or PT and hurry it along a bit (usually to relieve the parents), but if you give these particular children time, they may work it out themselves and he believes by letting it happen naturally the pathways connect more strongly.

Now look, I don't want every physical therapist, child psychologist, OT and adult who was delayed as a child to eat me alive over this. I know you can all say "Oh but I saw a case where XXX happened" or "well if my doctor had thought that I'd still be in a wheelchair, you whore". Obviously therapy is necessary in some cases. But I'm just saying that sometimes there are different ways of doing things. And sometimes, not always, waiting a little longer is not a crime of a bad parent. It is a measured technique.

It depends on the individual case, and as strangers in the street or friends of a parent we can't always make that call and demand that EI is the only way. It is one way, maybe a good way sometimes, but bear in mind - it's not always the answer.

Good luck T. I'm sure sharing your concerns, esp bringing your experience with Kate into it, will work out fine.

[Katiepea]

I can see clearly now! I am going to start telling my smoker friends that smoking causes cancer and they should stop. And I will tell the fat person on the street that they need to join a weight loss group or they will die of heart disease. And when I see a Mom putting her son in purple pants I will tell her that he may end up gay if she keeps doing that. And when I see kids who prefer to skip instead of walk I will tell the parent that the child is in dire need of early intervention because in my professional opinion, that is just not normal!

I'm on a mission! I've got a lot of work to do.

[Sneakypeek]

OK, Katiepea is obviously being snarky but she does have a point.

Seriously, if you feel strongly that the welfare of the child matters over what the parents might think (and often this is true) then you really, really need to point out to parents of obese children that they need to do something, or this child could be faced with early diabetes, and heart disease. A developmental delay may affect quality of life, but obesity can kill. And some parents aren't even aware their kids are overweight, or don't know it's a problem. So if you feel strongly about this developmental issue, then you must feel as strongly about obesity. So would most of you say something if a friend's child was overweight?

[Alex]

Um, I for one certainly wouldn't suggest that everyone who notices anyone unusual about anyone else, or anyone else's child, say something. Quite the contrary. But Tertia's original post on this topic did say she was concerned about a "friend's child."

If a friend of mine was concerned about my child, I would want them to say something to me.

[Laura(southernxyl)]

If my *friend's* child was morbidly obese, and she was shoveling down the cake and candy, at some point I probably would say something. Don't know what, but something.

Tertia, you're doing the right thing.

[millie]

Hmmm. Maybe I should have read this post first? I just wrote a whole long post on the other one.

I think that talking to your friend about this is a good idea. Especially since you have some experience with Kate and and OT (and the other child who didn't get the early intervention). By talking to her she may not feel so alone, as well, and you can be a support to her.

[Kelly]

(not directed at T and her story nessecarily, but the general flow of the comments)

Actually maybe this will make it clearer, asking parents if Johnny does XYZ and if not have they sought out help is equivalent to me as asking "Has Johnny had an erection yet?" when Johnny is 15.

Do you think Johnny has the right to own the privacy of his erections? Don't you think my 5 year old should be afforded the same respect when there is not a compelling need for you to know?

[perceval]

Hmmm - I would tell them about Kate, and I would mention that not having developmental delays attended to early enough creates LOTS of problems later on. I wouldn't specifically target it at their kid.

My mum had an intuition that something was wrong with me, but our ped kept saying that I was fine. (We changed peds later.) I only learned to walk aged 21 months, which is LATE. Turns out that I'm dyspraxic, but I was only diagnosed age 5, when it was far too late to do anything about it. I'm now paranoid about getting good paed care and having my DD checked for any developmental delays. In fact, I'm paying about 100 Euros to have our DD checked privately in Germany, which has a good system in place.

Do you have regular well baby visits in SA?

[Tania]

Talk to her. My colleague told me just the other day he was in a similar situation a few years ago, he noticed his nieces and nephew were significantly smaller than his own children of the same age. Everyone in the family kept saying that they were just 'small' and would catch-up but T had a gut feeling all wasn't right. At a family BBQ he noticed the nieces and nephews arms seems slightly shorter that the other children, his wife was mortified but he felt he had to speak out and approached his SIL and BIL and pointed out the differences.

Turned out the children had a hormonal imbalance and would not have grown much over 4ft without HRT. If he HADN'T of said anything these children would have been stunted (and I understand probably infertile). They got in early and in time. These children will live a relatively normal life. I’d say something.

xxx
Tania

[-Blue]

You are doing the right thing.

-Blue