Let’s talk about sex, baby, let’s talk about you and me…

 

Remember that song from the 80’s?.  V annoying tune. Would stay in your head the whole day. Let’s talk about sex baby, let’s talk about you and me, lets talk about….oh shut up.   

 

Anyway, as requested by a loyal blog reader, let’s have a chat about sex. It took me about 1.5 seconds to decide to do this post.  It was either this, or do my tax return. Blogging wins every time.

 

Remember a while back I did a poll about how long you could happily go without sex? Wait, I’ll put it back up for a while. Here are the stats as they were. They might have changed by the time I post this:

 

 
I always have an ulterior motive when I do a poll.  It is usually because that particular topic in top of mind for me.

 

If I had to have voted in the poll, I would have gone for option 4 – “I really wouldn't miss it for a few months”.  Sadly (for my husband), I am quite able to put my sex drive into hibernation for months. It is not that I don’t find him attractive, I do, v much. The man is hot! It is not that I don’t love having sex with him, I do, v v much.  When ever we do it, I always think ‘damn, that was fun, must do it again soon’.  And it is not as if we are not doing it often, we are averaging once a week, which considering my hibernating sex drive, is pretty damn heroic of me. 

 

It’s just that, well, I am not in that sexy hot lover mode right now.  I know it is wrong, and that I should never forget that I am my husband’s wife and lover first, but I am just so into the mommy mode right now.  Everything is about mothering and my kids right now, and there is very little left over to get into my hot lover persona.  I know it is wrong. My wise mother is always telling me ‘make time for your husband’, ‘don’t neglect your husband’.  But I am just so tired, and just so in love with my kids at the moment. I love my husband dearly, but I’d quite happily trade 7 shags for one back rub and a lie in. 

 

I wish I could press pause on our sex life for a while, just for a little bit.  But I know that I can’t and so I really do make an effort to forget the mommy stuff and get into the wife/lover mode, at least once a week. But I have to tell you that it requires conscious effort on my part.  It is not easy to switch off from the one to the other. 

 

So, spill. Tell me more about why you answered the way you did.  You can post anon, I promise I wont out you. I won’t even check up who you are. I am way too tired and if I had that much time on my hands I should rather be making a date with my husband.

 

And as for you horny buggers who want to shag once a day?  It is because of YOU that my husband thinks he is deprived!!  Damn you! Keep that stuff to yourself and stop participating in those Durex surveys, you are messing things up for the rest of us.  Horny bastards ;-)

 

Comments

[anon]

Yipee! First comment! DH and I haven't done the deed in nearly 6 weeks! Granted we just did a FET and (YAY!) got a BFP, so... doctor's orders. Too bad for me! I suppose doc will lift the "orders" at our next ultrasound on Wed and I will have to oblige.

Poor man. Good thing he loves me.

[Anon]

Being a mom is among a million other things-- exhausting-- I'd say no matter how you slice it, for the vast majority of couples, the mom does a lot of more of the labour intensive household chores and and spends more time with the kids, especially when they are little. I'd say that for the most part I have to also make a conscious effort to have sex, much of the time--but when I do, I am always glad I did. I'm not sure if it's the same as others, but I find my husband gets cranky without the nookie (even though he would never admit it!). So my reasons for sex are 2 fold: happy husband (aka happy wife) and enjoyment. We women are far to complex for our own good! :)

[meg]

I found, especially when the kids are little, that I get all touched and "needed" out. By the end of the day I can't stand anyone else touching me, as I am being touched all day by one child or another. Also, my whole day is spent with one of them needing something from me, so when they are finally in bed I find it exhausting that my husband could need something too. My attitude, sadly, is "why can't all you people just leave me alone!" I honestly could go an entire year after giving birth to a baby without wanting sex...no problem.

I am finding as they get older, though, that this is fading. Now there are even some nights when it is my idea. My husband is shocked.

[Jane-Marie]

I wonder what my excuse is then cause I don't have any kids and could easily go without it. DH DOES NOT feel the same!! We manage 1-2 times per week. 3 times if on holiday :)

[azlin]

Easy for me to decide not doing it. I am a single mom and since I decided to commit to my religious requirements, that means no sex out of marriage. I'm 27 and if I dont end up remarrying, that would mean a lifetime of no sex.WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

[Mollie]

I agree with Meg...in my experience it has gotten better as the kid gets older.

[tess]

yes, that is prudent advice from your mother, i get it as well. (not from your mum, though, my own.)

but the same also applies to husbands. as i blathered on in askmoxie, my husband can do certain things that will virtually guarantee he sees some action. things like letting me have a lie in in the morning, offering to change a particulary appalling nappy, coming after me when i have to walk away in anger to say, "you're a great mum, tess", responding when a "Friend" tells me that she thinks having multiples means you don't get to spend as much time with any of them, "are you trying to be hurtful?'...when he contributes so much to me, and my sense of esteem and happiness, it makes me love him much more, and even more willing to put out.

getting back from a business trip does not guarantee action. i am exhausted, and just want to sleep. (chances are he does too but that doesn't reflect well on my prowess so let's not harp on that point). but when he has been a partner, that's when i am most inclined to bring on the coupling.

does that make sense?

[Bee]

Sorry Tersh you know me - I am one of those ppl who make your husband think he is deprived. Honestly, we average 2 to 4 times a week at the moment. Oops. Sorry. Running now.

[Lauryan]

Well, for me, It's still a novelty - only been married a year, and we decided to wait until we were married (poor boy had to wait the entire 6 years of our dating/courtship to get any! lol).

Funny thing is it's usually me who wants it more regularly (he must be getting old ;) )

And I have to admit that since we found out that we are expecting, it's just gotten better and better :D

[Elizabeth]

Tertia, I'm just like you, my sex drive goes into hibernation. Recently I'm feeling frisky for the first time since my daughter was conceived! (She is 1 yo!) DH does not have a particularly high drive and is v respectful of my (lack of) needs but I'm sure he will be glad that I am wanting to get it on again. Between pregnancy and lactating and adjusting to motherhood, sex just has not been a priority. But, like you say, when we do do it I always think that I'm an idiot for not doing it more often!!

[Jennie]

no kids just two dogs.
we used to be the proverbial rabbits never getting enought but neither of us has a high sex drive anymore, between both of us working our two businesses one night work the other day work, we have zero energy left over, add in ivf cycles and it's a case of sex? what is this weird thing you speak of?

We do have an amazing loving caring relationship with loads of hugs and kisses and we are 'honestly' both fine with the way things are at the moment. we do talk openly about needs etc, sex is at the mo just very low on that list.

and for the record it's been 8 months since last time we were awake and energetice enough to enjoy a bottle of wine and a bonk.

[Timi]

No kids yet. Only married for two years but Birth control pills killed my sex drive, completely killed it. I stopped taking them about 8 months ago because they messed with me so badly and I'm only now starting to feel like I have something that even remotely resembles a sex drive. Plus all of that time really messed up our sex life in general and has generated lots of lovely sex issues. We're slowly crawling out of that hole. 3 times a month is really good for us now but we have to work hard at it.

[e]

As Timi, but Mirena killed my sex drive. I really can't be bothered most of the time, even three years after stopping using it as birth control- maybe twice a month I vaguely feel up to it, but I'd happily go without even then.

[Jodie]

WELL...my husband has an incredibly high sex drive. His testosterone levels are through the roof, and his sperm count is 10 times the average. All this was quite a turn on when we were 19!! Now, we are pretty mismatched. I'm where you are T, I have 2 small kids and work (part time though) and I always feel like there's not much left at the end of the day. It's all about the kids. My other half works away a lot. When he's away, the kids go to bed and I watch a movie, eat food I shouldn't, maybe even do some exercise. It's all about me, and relaxing. Hubby comes home and it's all about sex. Generally we have sex most nights, even if it's lacklustre. Maybe on or two nights off. My husband never pressures me, and will go the extra mile to make it good for me, and usually it's worth the effort. Or at least it's not exactly a chore ;) But I only ever really get into it, get wild, a couple of times a month I reckon. Once a week if I'm lucky.

My other issue at the moment is that sex is pretty painful following an episiotomy with my last child. I know I should get it seen to, but after years of IF treatment and poking and prodding it's just the last thing I want to do right now. So that doesn't help matters.

I think that sex is an important part of a relationship, and your Mum is right. You (and me) need to make time for our husbands. But I also think that no matter what you do, there is going to be less of it while your kids are young. I had singletons, so with my first there was still enough time for nookie. But with 2 (and even worse with twins I imagine!) there just isn't as much opportunity.

[Natt]

I get the urge probably once a week/once a fortnight - but the actual effort to do something about it is completely different! We used to be a regular couple - especially with all the drugs. In fact, our cycle that worked we were at it like rabbits every two days. Then, kerbang - I got a BFP and he was on a ban. I wasnt comfortable within the first 12 weeks. Now he isnt comfortable with it - something to do with the third trimester moving bump and the kicks the baby gives him! I'm hoping everything gets back to normal when the baby is a few months old (having one has got to be easier than you having twins?!) but I'm not banking on it! I love sex, but the effort to do it (especially coming up to summer and being the size of an elephant) it just too much! I think, as long as you show him your love in other ways its not too bad a deal (I hope so anyway!)

[CeeCee]

Well, if you really want to open a can of worms, read this:

http://www.ayeletwaldman.com/truly.html

It's by a woman who says she loves her husband more than her children. She says all sorts of things, and some pretty contraversial stuff (inc basically who she would choose if she had to make a "God Forbid" choice). I didn't agree with any of it. It made me feel sad for her children. But, it's an interesting read and point of view. Her sex life certainly sounds more active than mine!!

Excerpt below, full text at the link above.

I HAVE been in many mothers' groups -- Mommy and Me, Gymboree, Second-Time Moms -- and each time, within three minutes, the conversation invariably comes around to the topic of how often mommy feels compelled to put out. Everyone wants to be reassured that no one else is having sex either. These are women who, for the most part, are comfortable with their bodies, consider themselves sexual beings. These are women who love their husbands or partners. Still, almost none of them are having any sex.

There are agreed upon reasons for this bed death. They are exhausted. It still hurts. They are so physically available to their babies -- nursing, carrying, stroking -- how could they bear to be physically available to anyone else?

But the real reason for this lack of sex, or at least the most profound, is that the wife's passion has been refocused. Instead of concentrating her ardor on her husband, she concentrates it on her babies. Where once her husband was the center of her passionate universe, there is now a new sun in whose orbit she revolves. Libido, as she once knew it, is gone, and in its place is all-consuming maternal desire. There is absolute unanimity on this topic, and instant reassurance.

Except, that is, from me.

I am the only woman in Mommy and Me who seems to be, well, getting any. This could fill me with smug well-being. I could sit in the room and gloat over my wonderful marriage. I could think about how our sex life -- always vital, even torrid -- is more exciting and imaginative now than it was when we first met. I could check my watch to see if I have time to stop at Good Vibrations to see if they have any exciting new toys. I could even gaze pityingly at the other mothers in the group, wishing that they too could experience a love as deep as my own.

But I don't. I am far too busy worrying about what's wrong with me. Why, of all the women in the room, am I the only one who has not made the erotic transition a good mother is supposed to make? Why am I the only one incapable of placing her children at the center of her passionate universe?

WHEN my first daughter was born, my husband held her in his hands and said, ''My God, she's so beautiful.''

I unwrapped the baby from her blankets. She was average size, with long thin fingers and a random assortment of toes. Her eyes were close set, and she had her father's hooked nose. It looked better on him.

She looked like a newborn baby, red and scrawny, blotchy faced and mewling. I don't remember what I said to my husband. Actually I remember very little of my Percocet- and Vicodin-fogged first few days of motherhood except for someone calling and squealing, ''Aren't you just completely in love?'' And of course I was. Just not with my baby.

[V]

I agree completely with all you've said. My DH would love it every day if he had the chance but the poor dear has to put up with once or twice a week, three times if he's really lucky. At the moment it has also become a comfort thing but generally I get irritated that he could even think of sex at this point in our lives. But in general he does not give me a chance to get to the point of really wanting sex myself - that would take too long! 9 times out of 10 he initiates it and most times I just do it to keep him happy. Don't get me wrong, he tries his damndest to satisfy me (too much sometimes)and he does get it right. But as you said sometimes I long for a massage that will just lead to sleep and not as foreplay.

[Lauryan]

Hey - what about tht other song from the 90's about Sex... "I've noticed you around... I find you very attractive...Would you go to bed with me??!!??" LOL

[Coral]

Well, I have noticed, even if he gets it once a day, it isn't enough!! All men complain they don't get enough, dunno why. All they need to remember is sex begins in the kitchen, and that that particular comment doesn't mean a grope in the kitchen as he walks past. So, if you are nice all day, you will probably get it. If you are demanding and painful to live with, I will read a book!! Easy nuff?

[Lauryan]

CeeCee - Thanks for sharing that link - although I can understand the horror that it may elicit from some, I have to applaud this woman for her courage to speak out. And then, I'd have to agree with her. Yes, I'm not a mother (yet), but I hope that my Husband will always have first claim on my heart and my affections. What better way to ensure my children have a happy family?

I used to love seeing my parent's kiss each evening as they arrived home from work. They would stand in the passage and become oblivious to all else around them for at least 2 minutes - hugging, kissing, staring into each others eyes. When my father died shortly after this, it was the memory of how my parents loved each other that made me have the courage to trust love myself. I DID look for that type of love. And (I think) I have found it.

Our children will grow up. They will spend more time out of the home than in it. They will go travel the world, or go to University, and then they will move out/get married etc. And then?

It is you and your man again together. Just the two of you. If we don't nurture our marriages throughout the rearing of our children - what will we have left at the end of the day??

[Casey]

Me? I'm where you are, Tertia! Once a week, and that's more out of pity for my husband. He is SO sexy and great in bed, but the kids are winning out and like you I'd be OK with putting our sex life on hold, for a bit.

Really interesting article CeeCee put up, like her I don't agree with the sentiments but respect the author's point of view as a different one(I'm gathering that's what CeeCee was trying to say too). Lauryan, sounds like your parents had a magnificent relationship. Mine didn't. I hope I can have something of what your parents did! As you said, the kids will leave home eventually (although my mum still rings me to see if I got home safely from work at night!).

[ceecee]

Um yes - to clarify - I was just putting up this article because it seemed relevant to the topic. I do not feel the same way as the author, I shuddered at some of it, but I do respect her right to an opinion - and everyone's here. Sorry, wasn't trying to sound judgemental, just adding to the discussion!

[Kelly]

I am of the belief that IF and high risk pregnancies kill a sex drive in a woman. While I wanted sex the entire 9 months I was pregnant...I was on pelvic rest. Meaning it was 11 months of desire and no fullfillment...i simply came up with ways to avoid it.

Now I find myself doing the same thing..

[Kelly]

And on the article? I guess she has the right to feel that way, but ick! My husband and I are both committed that our child comes first and we come second...I grew up in the reverse and IT SUCKED. Not saying it sucks for all (say lauryn for example) but it sucked for me. Because my parents spent every three minutes reminding us of that.

[Anon]

Infertility killed ours. His even more than mine! I think if he was interested I would be at least sometimes, but with him in wet noodle mode...

[Kween]

Tertia, I am one of those people that you hate. I would soo not mind at all daily action. unfortunately for me, my husband's drive has gone into hybernation. he could quite happily go months without. i've started to call him my roommate. but you know, its all his fault that i'm the way i am. if he didnt traipse around the house with that cute little butt of his i wouldnt want to be doing the horizontal hello with him all the time.

[jenny]

Since we started IVF we have had sex once. Either I'm too bitchy or too swollen or too sensitive. My hubbie would do it 3 times a day if I would let him but he has mellowed. I think baby making sex was the only sex I enjoy (no fault of my hubbie) and now that is gone.

[Mindy]

I can't agree with you more. I'm strugglign with this too. We went thru 9 years of grueling infertility, including lots of performance anxiety and sexual dysfunction from dh's part due to the stress. But we didt have a pretty good sex life through it all. Now that I had my miracle son, I am so tired and never in the mood. I don't know where my libido went. Thankfully my husband is so not the type to get his feathers ruffled if I'm not in the mood. During the scary pregnancy we abstained for 7 whole months and neither of us were the worse for it. We could both put our libidos aside for a few months if necessary - but as things stand right now we're also once-a-week type of people and it suits us just fine. For a mother of twin toddler, tertia, once a week is just about normal. Don't feel bad about it.

[-Blue]

My and Evil Genius Husband's sex life has been strangely consistant. We average every 2-3 days and that's been throughout our 5-year marriage, throughout 4 pregnancies, and now with four babies under five.

I don't have a resivoir of passion that can be drained by my kids. I can adore and be touched by my kids all day and slipstream right into adoreing and being touched by my husband in the evening. I don't find that I'm 'played out' after being with four small children all day.

Maybe it's because I suffered infertility for so long. Maybe I accumulated an excess of love, LOL. (either that or go mad).

I think everyone is just different. Some of us are comfortable with less sex, some more. It is no reflection on us or our love for our husbands, just how we're made.

-Blue

[asil]

Pre-pregnancy, we were good if we had sex every three months. Sometimes I still wonder HOW I got pregnant. My husband is totally fine with our lack of sexual encounters. We do the kiss every evening when we see each other, and usually a kiss before sleep, but that's it.
Now that I'm pregnant, I could shag every day! DH, still ok with the every three months. So, I do a lot of initiating and he complies. It weirds him out with the baby being in the way now, but we're finding ways to work around it.
I, too, get in the mommy mode and don't have the energy for sex (pre-pregnancy). I will say, though, that DH is very good at what he does, and I always enjoy it once we're into it. I'm hoping that my increased desire remains after this baby is born. I don't expect to want it every day like I do now, but I would love to get back to once a week. I do think it reflects in our marriage.

[susan (formerly of post-coital babble)]

So, before I met the man of my dreams, I was single for 2 years. About once a month (the day before my period started in fact), I'd pull out a toy and be done with it in a matter of seconds. Nice and tidy and totally worth the effort.

Now, my fiance would like to have some variation of sex every day, though he admits that even he would get bored with the same thing every day. We end up around twice a week but that, my friends, is a truly heroic effort on my part because I have almost no interest in it for the most part (and we don't even have kids yet).

I initiate sex about once a month (yep, you guessed the day), which he totally loves because I go the extra mile and put on some ridiculous outfit that makes me look like a sausage about to pop and some dangerously high heels and greet him at the door with a glass of wine or set a path of lit candles to a blanket spread out in front of the fireplace (how cheesy! but he loves it).

The rest of the month, I pay my dues for being lucky enough to have this wonderful man in my life. I know he would be happier if I would just let him "lavish attention" on me as he calls it -- and to be honest, when I do let him have at it, he always makes sure I get mine first (and frequently many times over)...but it's just not worth the effort to me. It's just so much work.

blah. I coule easily go without for another 2 years if I thought he'd handle it well. But he says his head would burst open with all the backed up fluid.

Men.

[Kay]

I'm the one who wants sex more than my husband. We fight about it alot. I'm the one who gets cranky if I have to go 3 days without. Of course, he's out of work, and gets to masturbate when he wants. I'm in Mom-mode when I get home from work, and never have any of "that" time for myself. So, I give him hell for it. I'm a bitch, but it's not fair that he can jerk off when he wants and then not have sex with me. He says he's not a sex toy.

With my 2nd pregnancy, I became able to have a g-spot orgasm. Like, more than one time, in a row. So, now I'm even more of a horn dog. My daughter is 6 months old. My son is 3.5. With both kids, my sex drive came back at about 6 weeks PP. I turn 36 tomorrow.

Weird, I know. I'm sorry Tertia.

[Em]

I find, the more I do it, the more I want it but if I stop for a while, I couldn't care less. Maybe that's weird.

That is also sort of recent. My son is 3 and my daughter is 4. So for about 3 years I was pregnant or nursing - that killed alot of desire. Even after I stopped nursing, it took a few months to feel interested.

I did try, though, to make sure DH got something even when I didn't feel like it. He didn't necessarily get intercourse and he didn't get it as often as he probably would have wanted but I'd try to make sure he was taken care of once in a while.

[Jen]

Talking bout songs, how about "Discovery Channel", you know, "You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals....
A few years back I think that would have been my husband's theme song, but continually being on fertility treatments puts paid to that pretty quickly. I can go without for quite some time, and he is really patient and understanding with hormone issues. Most times I have a sex drive of almost zero, but I make an effort as often as I can, it keeps up morale you know!!!
There are, on the other hand, those months when I go into overdrive and a nympho has nothing on me!!!lol

[Anon]

Before kids I wanted sex atleast twice a day..even when I was pregnant. After the first one was born it went down to twice a week and just got worse with each kid (3 all together). I just don't feel in the mood after working all day and coming home and working all night and dealing with teenagers it is just the last thing I think about when going to bed. Now give me a night away from the kids, just the hubby and I and I am all for it numerous times. So, I just tell the hubby that he should be looking forward to when the kids are grown and gone we can be like rabbits again.

[Andrea]

Thanks for posting on the topic, Tertia. I find my own thoughts on the subject are so complicated and yes, even convoluted, that I can't properly comment on the topic without writing a novel. Which I can't do on my own blog, because our parents and co-workers read it. AIEEE! No sex talk there.

I voted the same as you would have. I'm glad to see that, at least amongst your readers, that is not an unusual vote.

[Penny Farthing]

I said less than once a month would be too long. And we don't have kids at all!
I've had a crap sex drive for years now, but I still try to do it whenever DH wants to. I always end up enjoying it whilst we're doing it, but the desire to instigate it, and the feelings of wanting to have sex aren't really there.

[Paige]

my answer was easy being a newlywed and trying again after a miscarriage ..... so sex happens alot for us!

[Wendy Noel]

It is about the state of one's mind, at least for me. The opportunity to have sex is not there as much as before children. I work part-time 3 nights a weeks, while hubby watches kids. He works days - sometimes 10-12 hours a day. But most days I just don't feel like doing it. I don't feel sexy. I am probably not washed. I am tired and irritated by my 6 and 2 year olds. When they go to bed - I just want to lay in silence - and don't want anyone to touch me. We do have sex - mostly afternoon sex on the weekends - which I much prefer. Probably 2 times a month. I am totally happy with that. Husband would like more. Oh well.

[lorrie]

Tertia,

May I suggest a new category? "I could care less about sex, except for three days a month when my hormones are raging, but I'd like to be cuddled every day."

That's me.

I am glad my husband doesn't read So Close (g).

But this is really how I feel.

Just tired, thaz all. Wanna sleep.

[jenny]

I picked the once a day thing, because to tell the truth, on our days off, Hubby and I do it a few times a day. However, let me put this in perspective. I am uber-horny when I'm pregnant apparently. And I don't have any little ones running around to cry and open the bedroom door.

[Skippy]

I picked once a day, so sorry, I'm mucking up your stats as well, although it's a bit more complicated than that.

I don't live with my boyfriend - I spend three nights a week at his house (when my daughter is at her father's) and four nights a week at home with the sprog. When I'm at his house, I'd say we have sex several times (ie: more than three) over the course of the evening/night every night, on average. There have been three nights over the last six months (one of which was the night after he got circumcised for medical reasons) when we have been in the same house and haven't had sex. Although - define "once" - does it still count as the same time if you stopped for half an hour and ate chocolate and drank (by now tepid) tea? Is it still the same time if after the next go you made a bacon sandwich (quickest thing to make if you want something hot) and ate it and digested for ten minutes and then started again?

On the odd occasion when the sprog is at her father's on a night when she's normally with me, I go to the boyff's house and guess what... This state of affairs would obviously be somewhat different if we actually lived together - not because of lack of desire, but because the laundry has to be done some time, but I doubt the proportions of sex/no sex in an evening would change that much really.

I just like it, a lot. I am what you might call a sandy rod, and the boyff is very good at it (specialist subject) and we suit each other in terms of what we like remarkably well. He is also most definitely a sandy rod and always has been. We regularly spend most of a day in bed, and would spend longer except for the necessity to pick up the sprog. There are nights when we don't go to sleep (and regret it a little the next day at work, but not really...).

On the other hand - when I was with my daughter's father, he was lucky if we had sex once a week. He'd hassle me (nicely) if he didn't get it, but I wasn't in love with him and didn't fancy him and was feeling stifled and stressed and so on - and lost my sex drive completely. When I pushed myself to do it, I enjoyed it to varying degrees, but I never initiated sex and never felt like I wanted it without some sort of prompt. And I'm not advocating dumping your husband and getting yourself a boyfriend!

After I left my daughter's father, I had eight months without sex and didn't miss it all all - I got what you might call "itches" and I scratched them, but that would have been a couple of times a month. After that I had an amicable arrangement with a friend (friends with benefits), which was great fun but never going to lead to anything more - and then I met the boyff.

If you're interested, I'm 31, the boyff is 41 and if it came down to it, we'd both still enjoy/love/want to be with each other just as much if one or both sets of bits packed up completely. It's not about the sex, although you might think that looking from the outside. It's about the way we get on with each other, and the sex (for us - I am not making blanket statements here at all!) comes from that.

I could go on for ages about this, but don't want to hijack the comments (but have appeared to anyway - sorry).

[Shandra]

I find that baby-raising sucks a lot of passion out of me in various areas, not just sex. I've heard it gets better. Meantime I've pointed out that help with the baby/house/etc. is one of the biggest turnons going. :) We actually manage sex a few times a month but it tends to go in clusters. I guess that's a new kind of cluster-fucking!

[Judy]

Gads, how I had child #2 I will never figure out with all of our problems and my lack of drive! It is hard to switch gears like that. I think it is easier for men, but for women, where emotion is #1, it is hard to put away the mommy-cap and become the naughty girl again...at least it is for me.

And, I'm terrified that my 6.5 year old who is a horrible sleeper will find us "in the act". That would definitely scar him for life! :-)

[Feebee]

Infertility is also killing sex for us. Still, we keep up the momentum month after month - 4/5 times a week for 2 weeks, then nothing for the next 2. Will have to wait until we get to the other side to see what the fallout has been.

[Vanessa]

After 17 years of being together and 2 teenager children we practice 'passage sex'. As we pass each other in the hall way we say 'fuck you' to each other. LOL. Still happy and tired.

[Orange]

One of the commenters above said Mirena knocked out her libido. Just wanted to tell you I didn't notice any such change with mine. I've had more action in the last 10 months than in the previous five years! (But that's not saying much.) The Mirena's almost three years old, so it didn't boost or destroy my libido either way.

[gretchen]

JUST LIKE THE COMMENTOR ABOVE - WE TEND TO HAVE SEX IN CLUSTERS. WE HAPPEN TO BE IN A CLUSTER THIS WEEK! LIKE MANY HAVE SAID, I COULD GO WITHOUT FOR AWHILE, BUT ONCE WE GET BACK INTO SAY, WOW, WE SHOULD DO THIS MORE OFTEN!HAVING HAD MY TUBES TIED IN JAN. HAS HELPED SEX LIFE- NO WORRIES ABOUT BC OR PREGNANCY.

[Lydia]

Well, even when the baby was tiny and nursing constantly, I know we did it at least once a week, if not more. We found that we became intolerably grumpy and mean to each other, without coming together (ha!) at least that often. And then as time went on, my sex drive came back slowly. And then when she was finally weaned, it REALLY came back. I love sex and our libidos are well matched. Before his military absence, we would probably get down to it three times a week. There were times when we would do it more or less often, but that was the average.

[Dona]

Didn't read all the comments, but I can tell you, 3 kids later, once you get over the 2ish year hump, the sex drive comes back. I don't know if it's knowing #3 was the last and now it's all fun or I'm in the fabled "sexual peak" but I can't get enough lately. We have sex about once a day and twice on the weekends. If we didn't have 3 kids to keep track of, we might squeeze in a little more! And what's really frustrating is DH is getting ready to leave for Iraq for a YEAR!!! The UPS guy looks better and better every day!!

All that being said, while pg and breast feeding, I could have gone the whole time not being touched by my husband once. Like someone said, at the end of the day I couldn't stand to be touched.

[Leah]

Hibernation mode here, too. I think it'll get better when I stop nursing, right? This time I don't plan to be pregnant again when the baby is only 9 months old!
My poor husband, it's a wonder we DID manage to conceive again so soon after we had Chloe!

[Gigi]

After months of homework sex we went through a really dry spell. It took us a while to get back to our regular rythm but 3 IVF cycles sort of killed it again. I'm making an effort now and we're averaging twice a week. I don't know what'll happen if I ever manage to get pregnant.

[3littlepigs]

Oh my God! I could have wrote your exact words! I have 15 month old twin daughters and a 3 1/2 year old son. I am so in my Mommy mode that I do not have time for the wife/lover mode most days. By the time we go to bed at night, I feel like I have been slobbered on, kissed, hugged and all around mauled by the kids all day. I do not want someone to be all over me at night too. I need my rest so that I can wash his clothes, clean the house and cook dinner for him. I know that this is selfish of me, but hey, a girl needs some sleep!
Pre babies, we had a very active sex life. Hubby thinks that this should not change. He does not realize all that goes into raising children. We have recently reached a compromise, and I have agreed to do the deed at least 2 days a week. Luckly for me AF showed up early this week...hehehe!

[Jodie]

Dona, you horny devil!!

Sorry to hear about hubby heading O.S., mine has done an 8th month stint but not a year. UPS....mmmm...

[Woody's Girl]

I think the last time we ML was a year ago. Or maybe 18 months ago? Before that Occasion, I think we ML twice in 2 years?

Infertility and IF drugs? Yup. Anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds after birth of daughter (who is now 2.5 years old)? Yup.

All those drugs, stress of IF (for 5 years) and now 3 small children... just not a good combination for the libido.

Thankfully, DH and I appear to be on the same page.

One of these days, I hope we are able to resume a more "active" love life - when we're both ready/interested. In the meantime, I feel that we have a very emotionally intimate relationship, which is just as loving (actually, perhaps MORESO) than one driven by sex.

Oh, and as to the whole "who is more important - husband or children?" issue (as linked by CeeCee), I believe that children learn love and feel most secure when they see affection and respect displayed by their parents. Neglecting your spouse in favor of your children CAN have seriously negative effects. I believe that making your relationship with spouse your first priority is the best way to ALSO love your children.