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Oh MommyT

I'm going to respond to you here instead of to your last post because it meant so much to me.

Another of your stunning posts. I am about 10 years your senior and thank goodness there was no E around for me (I’m sure I could have found it there toward the end, but thank goodness, I didn’t). Coke was my drug of choice and again, fortunately, I danced very close to some dark places, but never went inside (but boy oh boy was the dancing fun). I do miss marijuana or rather the idea of what it was, only the older I got it only ever made me stupid and paranoid (not a good time). Like Marko, my better half also won’t tolerate any drug use. Good for both of us.

I have often thought of how I will explain drugs to my children. I come from an addictive family so they will have the traits too. I think there will just be a rule. As long as you are in this house and part of this family, there are no drugs allowed (I count tobacco and alcohol abuse in this). If I can’t do drugs because they are bad, you can’t do drugs because they are bad. I managed to make it all the way through high school without any drugs and am so glad I did because I would have missed so much (all my partying started in college).

Your aging stuff also hits me close to home. I never had any real body issues. I was always short and thin and was a dancer. I was lucky. No weight issues (which I really don’t think are weight issues but control issues).

But now my body isn’t coming back from the twin pregnancy like I “wish” it would. I too see the signs of an aging process that I wish to own and respect with revulsion. And I read your post and I think, “Why can’t she cut her self some slack?” and yet, I don’t give myself any either. We need too. I don’t want my girls to think their bodies aren’t great because I didn’t show them how to honor their bodies by honoring my own. That means dressing up and showing some style. That means eating right. That means taking care of myself.

My mother was a devotee of plastic surgery. She began her treatments (first peels, than surgeries) younger than I am now. I won’t do that, or at least I think I won’t do that, and yet I will be 60 when my girls are 15 and I guess I’ll just have to see how all that goes. Before I “do” anything, I’m really going to have to figure out how it will affect them: what message am I sending? What lesson will they learn?

Thanks Tertia, I really needed to think about this. You are such a gift.

Are you kidding? What you did took, as they say in my part of the world, muchos huevos grandes.

Have faith in the majority of us - we love you, T, when you share your babies, your insecurities, your successes - we love YOU, and that includes all of you!

Hi Tertia, I just love your blog! You were very brave and very much appreciated for the last post. Sorry if it caused you stress and worry wondering about the reaction. Have you tried yoga? Not sure if it is as popular in South Africa as it is in the U.S. Definitely a great new way to relate to your body...

Seriously, I love your honesty. I think we all hate our bodies, and we've all done things we're not proud of. I think it is admirable that you are where you are now, and also that you can be so frank about it all.

I'm not really getting your writing style anymore. You used to write about such profound life issues/consequences, and now… your writing has become such a bore.

I've been away from your blog for a while but I can't believe so much has changed in your writing since the birth of your 2 beautiful children. I'm not specifically talking about your last post but the majority of your posts this last year.

I think you are better than this. And, you are a beautiful woman. So why post this rubbish?

I'm probably one of the people you worried about posting. In the past, I've left at least one comment you read as harsh (and was, truthfully) and it was about dealing with your body issues instead of chasing boob jobs and botox. (And I've been quite attacked for relatively benign comments that stepped outside the official party line of the comment brigade, so I mostly stay silent now.) But this last post? rocked.

At any rate, I thought you and Stephen Colbert (the TV fake-news guy who was merciless toward Bush at the dinner a few weeks ago; if you haven't seen it - SEE IT). Anyway, I think you and Colbert need to see who has bigger balls, because your last post took a lot of 'em. I'm impressed with your honesty, and the deep level at which you're thinking about how it all fits together, which I hadn't seen before. Surgery and botox will just delay the inevitable. Learning to love your body lasts forever.

Cheers to you all

Jessy is right it took balls to write what you did and still keep comments open. I would hope people would read your post and think before attacking you, which I think they have done.

We ALL each and every one of us has a past, we can sugar coat it and pretend it was perky and filled with fluffy bunnies and rainbows or we can be honest and say those bunnies were drug enhanced visions.

Drugs dont just get sold on street corners and in seedy bars some very potent drugs are avail from the local bottleshop in twee bottles.

I loved your last post and this one, I don't know if I have the guts to show my soft unprotected underbelly the way you did. Kudos!

I also don’t like my body most times, but am feeling better about it now than I did a couple of years ago. I read once that you should stand naked in front of the mirror and focus on what’s good about each body part. (Turn the lights down in the beginning if you can’t face it initially). Start small like say ‘Hallo Legs – you’re nice and strong and take me where I want to go’. Some bits I the only thing I could think of when I started was saying ‘Hallo Bum – I’m glad I have you to sit on’. I’ve now progressed to ‘Hallo Bum – you’re so nice and big and cushy, so soft to sit on, I appreciate you.’ I still don’t always like what I see, but I’ve started appreciating more what I have. It’s so unfair towards our husbands to hate and hide what they love so much. Get out there and say to your legs ‘Hallo Legs, you’re so nice and long, you give me an elegant stride’. ‘Hallo Tummy, you’re so nice and soft after you’ve protected my two beautiful children while they were growing inside me – thank you for giving up your firmness to give me those two little angels’. (Ok – angels might be pushing it but you get my drift!). Anyway – we’re the same age, but I bet my hands are way more wrinkly than yours. If you really want to get a scare put the top of your hands under those dryers in public toilets and see the ripple effect all the extra skin creates… very depressing and makes you want to get a hand-lift straight away. But those same wrinkly hands will be what I hold my babies with one day, so I’d better start appreciating and loving them fast. Thanx for the honesty of your post – you are a brave girl!

Asshole!!

I forgive you ;)

I really truly don't see what there was to attack. You were talking about how you felt about yourself, and about your past, and about your life. I don't see how that could draw fire from anyone. El (above) may be an exception. Not sure where that was coming from.

Oh for fucks sake El. Here's a tip: Life just isn't all profound, all the time.

Outside of kids, spouses and jobs every great once in a while a thought of our very own existence, independent of any/everything else, is allowed to occur.

And sometimes, those things are pondered on and to the great shock of others (like say you, El) actually expressed. I KNOW!! SHOCKING!! Sometimes it's solely and only the act of ''saying out loud'' what is eating at us that makes it, if not better, at least viewed from a different perspective.

Also? It's just not that bad to hear Hey T, you're a pretty girl; go easy on yourself, wouldya.

The tots were insane yesterday so I didn't get a chance to comment on your post, but what I would have said is you should be so proud of how you turned your life around! Don't be so hard on yourself, keep working at liking yourself, you ARE gorgeous & divine, you know!

To be honest I don't think this is something that is only experienced by you - I think it is a woman's dilemma and something that will be experienced by most women - to varying degrees I suppose because youth and beauty are so revered by Western society. Maybe it is harder for women who were beautiful in their prime because they probably focused on it more and incorporated it more into their sense of self esteem. The uglier ones probably focused more on their personality. All you can really do is be aware of it and work on improving it and trying to accept who you are more. Even if you can change yourself into a perfect role model I imagine Kate will still feel it a bit cos of peer pressure, societal expectations etc - it will be unlikely to be all your fault, but you can try and teach her that who she is is important and that physical beauty doesn't last.

Oh Tertia. I just read your post. I think for many (if not most) women learning to love our bodies is the hardest lesson we'll ever learn. This was a great post. And about the aging issue? The Indigo Girls have a line in one of their songs that I love: "Every lesson learned a line upon your beautiful face." You're gorgeous and divine, and that won't change even when you're old and wrinkly (which you certainly aren't now). When your children look at you in the years to come, they won't see an old wrinkly woman. They'll see a strong and incredibly wise woman who has lived and learned and loved so, so much.

Thanks for that comment above, El! That's very helpful. Every writer grows when someone happens along to inform her that she's become a bore and has lost her profundity. Really very constructive. Ooh, come to my blog and do me next! I want to learn to be better, too! Shall I focus on loss and despair? Is that the good stuff?

T- no need to apologize - I think anyone would feel a bit nervous in your position - I'm so glad you're feeling good about it now. xoxo
Amanda Lynn

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