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Wow. After reading all referenced posts, I agree that each person has to do what THEY feel is right. But let me give you some insight to the opposite end of the problem. My husband has become quite over weight in the past two years, due to a serious back injury. Was he a thin little thing before, no, but he wasn't really overweight like he is now. He is limited on his activities which first off contributed to the gain, and limits the work he can do to try to lose it. We've completely modified his diet and that is helping a bit, but until he's physically able to strenuosly work out, which may be never, he'll never lose all of it. Meanwhile, over the past four years, I gained 60 pounds while pregnant, maintained 20 of it after the baby, and have now gotten 10 pounds below pre-baby weight. Did I do it because hubby wanted me to, NO! I did it because I wanted to get healthier. And while I don't feel like I look awesome, I know I look better than I did before. Even better than when we got married, actually. I'm not hassling my husband to lose weight so that he looks better and I find him more attractive, I'm hassling him so he will be healthier and most importantly, BE AROUND!!!

So, basically, if the other women feel they owe it to their spouse to stay skinny, fine for them. But the same won't apply to everyone.

My Mom was always fit and trim and my Dad was the one gorging himself and weighing 50 pounds more than he should (and he used to be skiiinny). And I did always think she kind of got a bad deal. So I would say I agree that you should do all you can to look your best, for you AND your spouse. I think the "but I'm healthy" line is sort of a copout - many, many studies have shown that extra weight, even if you can still walk a mile or two, increases chance of heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, and a myriad of other health problems. Of course you're "healthy" now, you're only 30 or 40 years old... it's when you're 60 that it catches up with you.

After reading all these blog posts, I am so thankful for my darling husband. During my significant IF-related weight gain, 40+ lbs, which grew over several YEARS, all he would say is, "You are always beautiful to me." Never a negative word about my appearance, not once. Since my recent loss of 40+ lbs, he says, "Wow, you look fantastic! You are doing so well. But you have always been beautiful to me!" He is a God send. Love that man. Think I will shag him tonight just for that.

Thanks for weighing in! (hee hee)

I guess I just don't see what's wrong with having some concern about what my partner thinks of my appearance -- especially since he has to look at me everyday. That doesn't translate into him dictating my appearance or my not exercising for MYSELF. I think it's a balance. After all, when you're in a relationship, it's simply considerate to think of the other person as well.

That's all I'm saying.

I have mixed feelings on this issue. I read both posts, but I don't have time at the moment to read all the comments.

I have a very weight obsessed family. One sister has had an eating disorder. My husband's mother is very overweight and has had significant health issues because of it. My husband is very very concious of my weight, and I am equally concious. I am 5 feet tall, so 5 pounds extra means lots of my clothes do not fit properly. I gained 40 lbs with my 1st pregnancy, lost 50, and gained 50 with the second. I do have 9 lb babies. I have lost all the weight from the second pregnancy, but since finishing breastfeeding I am having to really work to keep it off. I love to eat. Lots of junk. Chocolate especially.

My husband is quite vocal about my weight. His thought process is that I owe it to him and to myself to look the best I can. I have the time and the ability to exercise, and it is nobody's fault but mine if I overeat. We are married for life, and he has a right to make requests about my appearance, and I have the right to make requests about his. I do get upset with him at times because he really focuses on appearances. And let's face it - there are certain areas of my body that will never be the same. You have spoken about cosmetic prodedures before and I am all for it when the time is right. I am sure that if I maintained 50 extra pounds he would be unhappy. And I would be unhappy with him.

This is a difficult issue. I have to say I agree with MIM's post. But I also think that if there is a physical or medical reason for the extra weight that the issue is altogether different.

I´ve put on significant amounts of weight in the last year due to stressful job/life decisions, distance relationship and homesickness. I feel like crap and so my husband feels that as well. He´s not happy with me because I´m not happy in my own skin, but also I´m quite sure he´s finding it more difficult to be attracted to me. I agree with MIM in this - if I had changed my body in any other way, say, got all over body tattoo´s and piercings then my husband would have every right not to like it and not to find me attractive anymore.

Political correctness, while useful in job applications, has very little to do with how one perceives attractiveness within a relationship. He may still love you for the person you are, but don´t be surprised if, conciously or subconciously, he can´t find you the sex symbol you once were if you let yourself go. I´m saying this as a fat person who has let herself go, so don´t flame me. And the same rules hold true for him as well, don´t forget.

As to the braai comment - recently my husband and I both joined a gym. As extra incentive for me we hacked out a deal that, from our very limited budget at the moment, I would get a pressie of new and sexier gym clothes for every milestone I reached. This wasn´t him telling me what I should look like, this was me saying I WANT to look like that, please help me get there. Maybe your friend had a similar deal?

Yes, the men like the makeup and perfume and nice clothes etc...but they really need to stop complaining about how much all this upkeep costs! :-)

Here's my question about that: What gives? I don't mean that idiomatically, I mean what's got to give in the family's life for a mom to lose her pregnancy weight (harder with each subsequent pregnancy, to my utter shock and dismay)? For many of us, our lives are so stressful that the only way we can keep our heads above water and manage our emotions is to medicate with food. "If I can make it to preschool drop-off I'll have a latte and a scone." "Once the kids are in bed I can have some ice cream." Take away the reward/comfort/fuel of food and many of our houses of cards would fall apart.

And when is a mom going to exercise? With one kid you can go for walks and go running with a jogging stroller. WIth two or more it becomes significantly more complicated. What mother of a baby would choose exercise over sleep. (Lack of sleep slows down your metabolism, BTW.) What mother of older kids would choose exercise over doing a load of laundry and cleaning the bathroom?

The only time I'm successful at losing weight or exercising is when my husband's on board with it and picks up the slack in our family when I'm running or not eating to control my moods. I would wonder about husbands who want thin wives but aren't willing to do their share of the work it's going to require for their wives to lose weight. If a man isn't willing to be on solo parenting duty while his wife's at the gym or a WW meeting, if he's not willing to give up his food treats while his wife's eating sprouted grain bread and endless salads, if he's not willing to take night duty with a baby so his wife can get enough sleep to function, then he has absolutely no right to even expect (whether he says anything or not) that his wife will be anywhere close to her former weight.

It took two people to make the baby that created the weight. It takes two people to take the weight off.

Amen Moxie.

The idea that gaining weight- of any amount- can be construed as "false advertising" is the most disturbing thing I've heard in a long time. There is no depth to that woman's shallowness.

When I had my breast reduction, I got several comments (from women, not from men, surprisingly) along the lines of how the couldn't believe my husband "let me" do it.

Well, first off, my husband doesn't "let me" do anything. I am not his employee. Would he have PREFERRED my extremely large breasts? (And they were extreme, y'all: 32J. Damn.) I'm sure he would've. But he also recognized that I am MORE than bodacious ta-tas, and that curing the physical and mental problems caused by said ta-tas was a greater priority.

In the end, it's our bodies. Do I want to look good for my husband? Sure. I try to look sexy for him, and nice in public so that people don't run away screaming. And I expect him to do the same.

Wow, what a sensitive and touchy subject. I'm surprised that women are fearlessly trying to tackle it.

In my own honest opinion, I think women should want to lose weight for their own health and well-being. But I can also agree with MIM, personally, I want to feel attractive for my husband. I want to know that he'll seek me out from across the room and flash me that knowing smile. I don't know if its a matter of false advertising, but yes, I think women should still take pride in themselves.

Me: do you think women gaining weight or cutting their hair after marriage is false advertising?

Husband: Not consciously. It's nature's false advertising.

Me: What would you do if I gained 50 pounds?

H: I'd send you to a fat farm.

Me: What would you do if I cut my hair like a marine?

H: I'd salute.

All very good posts, yours included.

My mom probably gained about 100lbs in the first 10 years of marriage and proceeded to totally let herself go (wieght, hair, hygiene, everything). My dad hated it and was always bugging her about. Now that they are divorced (she left him for another man) I realize that his concern really was for her health more so then her wieght.

My mom is 55yrs old and her health is so bad that I assume I will have to care for her for the rest of her life sometime in the near future. It really isn't fair to your family to not take care of yourself.

I am married to a man 10 years old than me and to be honest, I feel like he owes it to me to take care of himself. Not to be skinny and have a six-pack ab's but to be healthy and not leave me as a young widow. My husbands thinks that because he is skinny he can eat/drink whatever he wants and this bothers me. On the other hand, I have my mothers gene's and I will struggle with my weight my entire life. It is very hard for me to maintain a healthy weight but I do it. Why? I care about my health. It's the same reason I quit smoking 3yrs ago. I'd love a smoke as much as I'd love a piece of cake.

If it's about health instead of weight, I agree 100% that we owe it to our families to maintain our health. Do we owe it to our husbands to stay skinny? No, I don't really think so. I will admit, I am glad I was 20lbs heavier when we met, that gives me some room to grow.

that second woman you linked to is in a sick, sick relationship. she hasn't become morbidly obese...she's gone from a size 4/6 to a size 8. GASP! and her husband is ASHAMED of her--she includes in her post that he won't bring friends home and didn't bring her to the company christmas party. that makes me sick.

now if you take me and my fiancee, for example, that's a different story. i won't go into the gory details but i'm now 60+ pounds heavier than when we met, and i've always been a big girl. fiancee is prob. 40 or so lbs bigger than when we met. our sex life, love life, home life, etc. has not suffered a whit because of it. we have been with each other through everything--we support each other in everything--we, i don't know, LOVE each other?

you don't marry a woman because she looks good, at least not in my universe. you don't get angry because she depreciates, as if a woman was nothing more than a car. ESPECIALLY if it's because she's borne and cared for YOUR CHILDREN.

to me, that's not real love. period. end of story. i'm appalled that women would not only accept this crap but blame THEMSELVES for their husbands' "unhappiness".

Until I hit puberty, I was so skinny it was difficult to find clothing to fit me - because I was also 3 or 4 inches taller than everyone else my age.

I balooned up to 187 pounds by the time I was 18. By 21 I had been told I could model if I lost the weight often enough that I actually believe it and tried to lose weight by exercising and learning to eat right. Nothing worked. Until the other models I lived with taught me about bulimia. And cocaine. Within 6 months I was down to 113 lbs.

Over the next few years my weight rose naturally to about 130 and stayed there no matter what I ate until I hit 35 years old. I never had to exercise.

Then I went up to 150 lbs and couldn't get below that no matter what I did (seeing how cocaine and bulimia were no longer an option). I've had my thyroid checked and every other freakin thing that might be causing problems. My blood pressure is 110/75. Low cholesterol etc. so I'm healthy. BUT I'M STILL FUCKKING FAT.

I've tried jenny craig, weight watchers, south beach, and atkins. I've hired personal trainers and joined gyms and bought every single informercial tape there is on weight loss and exercise. I listen to motivational tapes in the car and read all the books that go with the diets. I lose 3 lbs over a few months and gain 5 back in one weekend if I eat pizza or salsa with chips. I lose 8 and gain 12. I don't eat an entire pizza either. Just 2 slices with pepperoni and mushrooms.

The net result is that I now weigh 180 lbs. I exercise every single day with a tape called Slim in 6 (also known as Beach Body) - a grueling hour of cardio and resistance bands. In January I started having Nutra Systems delivered to my home. This is a 1200 calorie per day regimen. In 10 weeks, I lost a total of 2.5 lbs. I get on the treadmill *every night* for 30 minutes minimum at a serious pace.

I went on a business trip for 3 days last week and gained back all the 2.5 I had lost. And then some. What was I eating? An omelette for breakfast, no toast no potatoes and salad for lunch, fish or chicken and veggies for dinner. No snacks in between, but no time to exercise either. I gained 6 pounds. SIX FUCKING POUNDS.

When I got back, I started drinking EAS (body for life.com) protein shakes 3 times per day and eating a salad with little more than greens, veggies and grilled chicken or fish on it for lunch. I ate 2 ounces of meat or cheese for a snack so that I was always eating 3 to 3.5 hours apart. I cut out all alcohol (though I've rarely ever had more than 1 or 2 glasses of wine once or twice a month - a little more during the holidays).

I ordered a popular diet pill to boost my metabolism. 4 days ago, I took 2 of those pills as directed for the first time, went to the tanning salon (because tan fat is more attractive than white fat, natch) then I went to the bank.

I passed out on the floor of the bank. I woke up with a crowd of people around me and my bank card and the check I was trying to deposit scattered across the entry way to the ATM.

Why? Why do I have to go through this? So I can be thin like women who work far less than I do to be thin? To keep a man happy? To fit into society's judgement of what a woman SHOULD look like?

When do I stop owing all of them and start owing myself some goddamn peace? When can I get to the point that what matters the most is WHO I AM and not what the fuck I look like? I have a degree from Yale and make over $150k a year. I live in a gorgeous house, have wonderful friends and family. I LOVE my job. I am generous and loyal and truly a great friend to those I love. I am a DIVINE GIRLFRIEND to the love of my life. But I AM FUCKING FAT. And NOTHING I seem to do can change that.

To read MIM's post just hammers it home. In today's society, none of that matters. All that counts is that I get myself thin.

How is that acceptable? How is it that women like MIM, who can lose or maintain weight with apparently very little effort get to sit in judgement on those of us who simply cannot?

Thank you MIM, for the heart murmer I just found out I now have from my years of dieting. Thanks for putting yet more pressure on women to not be just fabulous people, but perfect looking too.

I sincerely hope that when MIM hits 40 she finds out what it's like to have to really struggle to keep that weight off. And I HOPE SHE FAILS MISERABLY.

Yes, I'm that small, that petty.

And that pissed.

This post brings up a lot of feelings for me. I've gained a significant amount of weight since I got married because I developed painful arthritis in my hips and my mobility is severely impaired as a result. I can hardly walk, some days. (I'm only 40!)

My husband is less attracted to me. He was never much for sex at the best of times, but now we basically don't have sex any more. Ever.

Did I let myself go? Maybe. If I were you (with your self-disipline, energy, and high standards) I probably would have reduced my caloric intake to practically nothing and taken up some activity that put no pressure on my hips. (Cycling? Swimming? Gah. Cycling hurts my ass. Hate swimming -- the struggle to breathe, fending off other swimmers, the pain in my shoulder joints.)

The only exercises I've ever loved are running and aerobics classes, and now I can't do either. And I have to really love exercise to do it consistently, and it's only very consistent exercise that really controls my weight.

So, I don't know. Did I let my husband down? Did I let myself down? Maybe. I loved being slim and fit. I used to run as many as 16 or 18 miles in a given day (obviously not every day). It made me feel great, actually controlled my appetite, put my life in perspective . . . .

Now I don't have that any more and yes, my life (and my marriage) are much worse for that loss.

Do I owe it to myself to be healthy? Well, obviously, we would all like to be fit and healthy and slim and attractive. But if you're mobility impaired, those things can seem unattainable.

susan, i don't know you, but i wish i could hug you.

i love how fat is a "self respect" issue to so many in this discussion. what about a woman who has MORE respect for herself than to torture herself with diets any longer?

Wow -- I was wondering why I was getting so many hits today. The G&D Tertia referred to my post!

To the commenter above who said I`m in a "sick, sick relationship," I just wanna say, the weight issue is a relatively minor one in an otherwise loving, affectionate marriage. I was concerned after I wrote the post that all my friends would start worrying about me, and now I`m even more concerned. I think I will do a follow-up post, rather than fill up Tertia`s comments.

(And to the commenter who called the "but I'm healthy" line a "copout" -- that should be up to an individual`s doctor.)

Actually I quite like being fat. I like my curves, my belly, my tits, my big ass and so do my partners. I know that my male partner would love me however I looked - in fact, he actively prefers fat women to skinny women.

I wouldn't want be with someone who wanted to control the way I looked, I think it's creepy, shallow and weird.

Would I like to be a bit thinner - yes, but only a little bit. I'd like to go down from my current size 18/20 (UK sizes) to a 14/16. That would still make me overweight by most people's definition but in retrospect it was my favourite weight. I could get more clothes and I could

Is it likely to happen - no, because I currently have seriously reduced mobility due to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. And before you say it, I was ill before I got overweight - I got fat because I couldn't exercise as much as I need to and because CFS messes up your weight. Yes, it's not all the illness, I also overeat sometimes. Even so, I'd rather be fat and happy than thin, anorexic and miserable. I've been the later and it was much more destructive than being fat.

The health risks of being overweight is sometimes true but it's often bullshit. You can't always judge people just by their size. There's more than one sort of health, how about we talk about all the women out there making themselves mentally ill trying to stay unreasonably thin. Dieting is really bloody bad for you. Yo-yo dieting damages your health and often results in more long term weight gain.

My girlfriend is about the same size as me. She is very fit - she swims and goes to the gym regularly, can easily walk five to ten miles and could probably dance you off the dance floor but she is never going to be thin because she has thyroid disease. Even if she starves herself and spends several hours a day exercising, the thinnest she gets is a size 16.

You're all saying that you make exceptions for weight gain through illness but that's not our experience. After all, how do you tell which other women are fat for a 'good' reason instead of a 'bad' reason? Our experience is that even though we have health reasons for our weight we're still judged viciously by skinny bints who probably smoke, drink, stay out all night dancing and eat all sorts of processed shit.

Oh, and everyone in our house - except my skinny 13 year old - has a very healthy diet. We eat healthy homemade food, often organic or wholefood. We rarely eat fried food or stuff that's high in fat. We don't eat junk food, drink alcohol, smoke or drink caffeinated or carbonated beverages. We should be staggeringly healthy. We all exercise as much as we're able, yet we're all still fat... go figure.

Well, I'm fat. I'm also 35 pounds less fat than when I met my husband.

I have a mother who once told me that "if you'd just drop a few pounds, then XXX would really have something special." That was close to 20 years ago. I have not forgotten it. My mother who can eat her plate, plus everyone else's and still be a size 6.

Fat or lack of it is not what attracts quality men. Self-confidence does. The day I realized that I was MORE than a number on a scale, was the day I found my freedom and myself. And the beginning of "catching" my husband. Who, incidentally, dropped a thin girl to date me - the fatty. She was shocked and dismayed. He said there was just something "more" about me.

I don't have time to go into all the issues of my weight. I know that I was a size 6 - and when I was - I weighed 145 lbs. (the very upper end of my weight range) - I was in KILLER shape - but heavy. I'm not a 6 anymore, and think I would be happy being a size 10. Whatever weight that is when I get there - so be it. I have lots of self respect. More than enough for me to know that I'm STILL MORE than a number on the scale. Even though it's getting smaller (I've lost 42+ pounds since my 2nd pregnancy).

Completely DO NOT think that I "owe" anything to my husband. He loved me before. He loves me now. Sure, I want him to like how I look - but to him it's more important that I like WHO I AM.

As for weight gains - agree with the poster who wants to know what has to "give" for the mom to get skinny. I can't find an hour in the day to work out every single day. Unless I skip seeing my kids for day. Or maybe take a day off of work. The only way I can get to my WW meetings is because they are AT WORK and I don't have to take time from anything else. I have other jobs than working out. And I do them well.

ugh. Just reading this makes me want to vomit after every meal. Why is weight so important?

Don't get me wrong, I am constantly dieting, I just wish our society didn't place such an importance on being thin.

My father and mother divorced when I was 4. As I became an adult, the absent dad became one of my closest friends. SO.. when he married a woman 25 years his junior ( 5 years older then me) I was mildly concerned. She was pregnant when they met, and weighed around 140# at 5'2. Fast forward 10 years later, and they have just divorced. Why? She is still 5'2... but she now weighs 325#. The kicker???... SHE left HIM. He is very health concious, but he isn't mean. If he made weight comments ( which he did) they were always lovingly teasing. His was honest concern, but he tried to make it as easy to swallow as possible. At one point, he promised to buy her a Jaguar when she lost 100#. He paid for every type of program out there.. Jenny Craig, hypnosis, Curves, you name it, he paid for it. She just didn't care. Went to 3 of the 20 hypnosis sessions. Curves lasted less then a month. She JUST DIDN'T CARE. She stopped being affectionate towards him.. No hugs, no kisses, nothing. Hardly even a nice word. She made fun of him in bed. He wasn't able to perform for her ( well, he'd have to be a giant in the Johnson department just to reach the desired area) and on her birthday she asked, sincerely, that he hire her a black male prostetute to satisfy her as he wasn't able. She got ugly... not physically, but mentally. He still loves her, always will, but not as one loves a wife. It was the best thing in his world when she finally decided she was done being married to an "old man" and left him, with "his" daughter. He bought her a house, pays her large monthly support, and has gone on with his life.
In the end, if she had taken one small smidgen of pride in herself, in her appearance, I truely believe they would still be happily married. He was willing to bend over backwards for her and whatever she wanted... he was ALWAYS a good provider. But as her weight increased, her attitude decreased. There was nothing he could do about it. If she had been HAPPY at her largest weight, had she been the same affectionate woman he married, then the extra 200# wouldn't have been as big an issue. I guess what I'm saying is it is all about attitude, and I do, to an extent, think you owe some sort of self-respect to your partner.

I am one of the fortunate few who has an awesome husband who has never ever mentioned my weight without my bringing it up first.

I am fat. Fatter than you fat. Fattest person in the room fat. The fatty that you are relieved is at the party because then you don't look so fat. Probably as fat as two of the skinny girls I work with. I am unhealthy fat.

I wasn't a skinny minnie when I got married, probably weighed 180 at 5'6". I immediately got pregnant and gained about 25 pounds. Then I was hit with post partum thyroiditis and gained about 40 pounds. It's never come off. Granted, I eat too much and exercise too little. The thyroid is under control, so I CAN lose weight, I just am not working at it.

I don't look at my weight gain as deceiving my husband. I am who I am. No trickery involved. He wasn't a chubby chaser when we started dating, his other girlfriends had been regular sized- not terribly thin, but not fat either. He loved/loves me despite my size, because of the great person I am. Our sex life is great.

I need to lose weight. I know that. I don't need my husband or anyone else to tell me that. I have to do it based on my own personal motivation. No one is going to motivate me to do it- motivation doesn't work that way, at least for me.

That all being said, I'd be horribly hurt and sad and whatever else if my husband told me that he loved me less or was less attracted to me because of my weight gain. (Perhaps he does feel these things, but he wouldn't tell me because he knows it would hurt me beyond words.) It would probably affect our relationship terribly and I would just have less trust in him.

My husband has gained weight (he's probably 175 at 5'7") and is working to get back down to 150. He goes to the gym every morning from 5-6 am. I have never said anything to him about it unasked, nor would I. If he brings it up, I talk to him about portion control and exercise. No one knows about portion control like a lifelong Weight Watcher, no matter her size.

I know that I will lose weight, but I need to do it for myself and my health and for the life I want to spend with my husband and child.

I feel sorry for the women whose husbands tell them that they are fat or will give them things if they only lose weight. I'd rather be fat with unconditional love and support than thin with a critical mate.

I just wanna thank you for a very insightful reading. I have had these very things on my mind. Thanks for the brain food.

I'm sorry, I find the term "false advertising " really offensive in this context. People change over time, their bodies, their hearts and minds, adults (and hopefully it is adults who marry other adults) know this.

I guess I'm married to an angel, because he never comments on my body or my hair except with love. And that ain't because I'm thin, far from it.

Personally I'm rather fed up with our vanity as women. It is just so all-consuming for us, our looks, and really so unimportant in the end. Being attractive is a job like any other and, as Moxie said, other stuff has to give. It costs time and money, two things most mothers have precious little of. I'm not saying we shouldn't think about ourselves and give ourselves treats. But I think too many women are vain to the point of selfishness, and they are that way partially because of the enormous pressure to look a certain way.

My boyfriend, the man I thought I was going to marry, brok up with me after 4.5 years. Because I gained weight. To be fair, it was a significant gain (about 25 pounds).

What still stings after all this time is that he made me feel ugly. He didn't show concern about my health, he showed concern about how to introduce me to his friends.

I'm still overweight, and am working on it. But I'll be damned if I'm going to this for anyone one other than myself.

Comments coming from a formerly 265# 5'2 woman!

When I met my now husband I was 175, by the time we were married i had balloned to a whopping 230#. My October of 3rd year of marital bliss I was up to 265#!! Now my husband is also a big guy...short by a pretty hefty upper body. I guesstimate he is clocking in around 250# approx 5'6.

I decided to undergo a gastric bypass because I could not stand myself anymore. He was initially supportive, then terrified I would die. He told me he loved me as I was. I was grateful he said that but I needed this for ME. I was not doing it for him, but for ME. I did it even though he threatened to leave me over it! He didn't and we are still very happily married. I am not 120# and I feel AWESOME! Like I have a new lease on life.

As an aside...he is now THRILLED with my new body. Lookig at some old pics the other day, hes said "holy shit...how did you even function when you were that big?" Nice honey...i love you too...

Susan, your post really hit me. I appreciated the honesty and the anger. I found myself wondering, though: if you're tall enough to be a model, is 180 really so big? I know a 6' tall woman whose ideal weight is about 185. (She looks great, does triathlons, etc. at that weight.) Maybe your exposure to the modeling industry distorted your sense of an acceptable weight for your height? Maybe your body fights your efforts to slim down because you already are at or near your ideal weight? Please forgive me. This isn't meant to be assvice. I don't know you and am not qualified to comment on your life or health. The snippet I got from your comment raised these questions for me.

Doesn't it all sort of boil down to who you are, and who you are married to?

I met my hubby and I was not skinny, but in relatively good shape. American size 10. I worked out a lot, ate healthy, but enjoyed my treats too.

Because it was a long distance relationship, we spent as much time together as possible - and because nothing we did involved physical activity and it ALWAYS involved really great restaurants in San Francisco - I dropped my exercise routine, stopped watching what I ate, and crawled into the bag of potato chips along with my sweetie. I gained around 45 pounds. No shit.

And what did he have the nerve to do? Propose.. He bought a honkin' big ring, told me I was the girl he'd been waiting for, and said he'd move 2600 miles to be with me.

What a jackass, eh?

When I realized I was getting married, and remembered that I'm horribly vain, I got my ass on a diet. I didn't lose more than 20 pounds before the wedding, but it was enough to feel better about myself. And I kept going. In the year after we were married, I lost another 35 pounds. I got back down to where I felt pretty darn good about myself.

Of course, everyone says "marriage agrees with you!" and "he's such a lucky guy!" And my favorite comment was "you must feel like you have a whole new wife!" Gotta love him, because he generally says things like "I hope not."

I can honestly say the guy loves me through thick and thin. But again - that's who he is. And that's who I am. The weight was lost by me...for me...as much as I want my husband to appreciate me and think I'm attractive, it had more to do with getting to the point where the mirror was my enemy. I hated what I saw. He never saw anything different.

Oh, and I also cut my hair after the wedding - but in the ultimate guilt card, I donated it to locks of love. What kind of an Asshole would complain that their wife did that? Muahahahaha. [it's grown out again already and I'll probably do the same thing.]

Good debate. I can only wish that everyone finds peace with what they see in the mirror, not the feedback they get at home.

I haven't had time to read all the posts, etc. But I'll tell you that I've struggled mightily with my weight all my life. I've recently begun a concerted campaign to lose significant weight. As part of this process, I've been doing a lot of reading and research about the biology of weight loss. Scientists have pretty much concluded now that most of what determines how fat or thin we are is genetic. People are genetically predisposed to be a certain weight, or to gain weight easily, or to be naturally thin. Yo-yo dieting makes it more likely that you will gain more weight more easily, and that it will be harder and harder to get it off once it is there. When you starve yourself to lose weight, your body thinks there is a famine, and holds onto stored fat, and slows your metabolism down. The vast majority of people who lose weight will put it back on, plus more, and that it is not a "moral" issue of willpower, or "letting yourself go." Sure, if you are genetically "thin," and you put on an extra 10 or 20 pounds, and you haven't fucked up your metabolism by going up and down in weight your whole life, you can probably lose it fairly easily. But people who are significantly overweight and have had a lifelong weight problem have a very very difficult time losing the weight and keeping it off. The older we get, the harder it is. Our metabolisms slow down, and our bodies fight to hold on to the weight.

Anyway, when I met my husband, I was relatively thin. I had recently starved myself into being an average size. I put on weight before we got engaged, so I guess if my original size was "false advertising" he saw the real me. But I lost weight before our wedding and put it on again after. I gained weight during infertility treatments, lost some while breastfeeding, gained quickly when I stopped breastfeeding, etc. It is a constant, sad, depressing struggle. It just isn't as simple as "letting myself go," or not having respect for my husband, etc. Only someone who has never really had a weight issue would say something like that. It is like someone who got pregnant in 7 months instead of the one they were hoping for equating their struggle with someone who did 5 IVF's, had 2 miscarriages, and spent years trying to have a baby. Unless you've been there, you can't know what you are talking about.

Oh- did I mention my husband also prefers my hair short? I chopped it last December (2004) for Locks of Love - and am currently growing it out so I can do the same thing again this Christmas.

Back when I was young and skinny and single, every guy I dated wanted to "fatten me up." Why do we (women) keep getting force fed the idea that thin is universally desirable?

Hub wouldn't dare comment on my weight - he knows I am so insecure I'd hide under the bed forever!

I don't agree with the false advertising thing at all. I love my husband for MUCH more than his appearance, and, in fact, after 10 years together I don't really notice his appearance at all. It's much sexier to me to watch him comfort our crying children than to have him dress up for me.
However, I do think some people are more visual than others--appearance means more to some than to others. And maybe that's all this debate is about--if you really value what your partner looks like, then I suppose you'll be disappointed if that look changes. But if you value OTHER things more than that, the change in appearance won't bother you.

I agree with Amy. I find it interesting that the "false advertising" is only used in regards to appearance.

I met my husband when I was 21. We married when I was 28. I'm 34 now.

In that time, I have gone through changes in my politics, my outlook, my maturity, and my priorities. I am not exactly the same as I was the day we met. Neither is he. But we love the core of who the other person is. The rest is window dressing. And since none of us is likely to be attractive by society's standards when we're in our 60's or 70's, no matter what we do to ourselves, I'd rather have someone like my husband by my side.

After I lost 40 pounds, my uncle and his new thin wife had the following discussion with me about my weight and my marriage of 13 years:

Them: I know your husband *really* loves you.
Me: Yes, I know he does too. I really love him too. We are very lucky to have each other.
Them: Yes, but he ****really**** loves you.
Me: Why do you say that?
Them: Because when you were fat he stayed with you.
Me: (stunned silence)

What I wanted to say is this...
You two are made for each other. You judge people based on what they weigh, what kind of clothes they wear, and how much money they make. Each of you left your first spouse (wonderful people, by the way) because they did not meet your shallow expectations. You shattered your families based on superficial judgements. I hope you both stay thin, rich, and hollow because the other one would leave you in a heartbeat. That is NOT love and that is NOT very nice.

But I didn't say anything. I just smiled stupidly and wandered away.

Another fascinating topic... I believe there is a big difference between gaining weight, and letting yourself go. I wouldn't mind if my husband gained some weight, but I would definitely mind if he let himself go. I am sure he would feel likewise.

Wow - touchy subject.

In my mind this topic hits on so many other topics. Namely: Beauty/attractiveness, Health, Societal ideals.

As for Beauty/Attractiveness - imo, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. AND sometimes the beholder's ideas of beauty change over time. I think attractiveness is more than skin deep. I also think that using our body image to please others is a dangerous and slippery slope that is prone to all sorts of unhealthy things (many of which are just as bad as being overweight.)

As for Health - being overweight/obese can compromise your health. If you aren't sure where you stand, check your bmi here http://www.cdc.gov/nccdphp/dnpa/bmi/calc-bmi.htm. While I think it is ok to voice concerns about your partners lifestyle choices as they relate to their overall health - we must also keep in mind how sensitive these issues are and that very few of us live risk-free existences. I wonder which is really more dangerous, being 20/30 pounds overweight or speeding on the highway on a regular basis. Hard to say. Personally, I think the best way to encourage a healthy partner is to promote and invite healthy living in a positive and fun way as a team. Also we have to keep in mind that so many other behaviors are also detrimental, such as tobacco use, poor diet (regardless of weight), excess sun exposure or excess alcohol, just to name a few. While weight is the topic on this post, the same thread could exist for any risk-inducing lifestyle choice.

As for Societal Ideals - this one really pushes my buttons. I think our society puts way too much pressure on people to 'look good' according to it's narrowly defined ideas and does very little to promote the natural beauty that people have. It has taken me years to be comfortable going out of the house without make-up on - how sad is that. What is wrong with our culture that we are forevering trying to alter our appearance? Why is it so difficult to be comfortable in our own skin? And what message do we send the young people in society.

Bottom line - I guess I think the only good reason to maintain a healthy weight is for health itself.

My husband had a hell of a lot more hair on his head and much less on his back when I met him. False advertising? Of course not.

I weigh 15 kg (abt 35lb) more than when we met/married. I was sick then. I have had treatment and the medication is responsible for 10kg of the weight gain. The other 5 I think are aging/genetics. Husband worries about my health and my self-esteem. I ASKED him if I could have a new wardrobe if and when I get down to the weight I am comfortable with. Repeat, the weight I, myself, me, me, me, is comfortable with (which is not model thin, either - about 62 kgs - a size 12-14 and still a lot more than when we met/married). Not him. He was delighted and yes, admits he'd like to see the woman he married re-emerge from the double chins. But if it doesn't happen, he will accept it. As I said, he's not the man I married (looks wise) himself.

I agree with you Tertia - I believe I do owe it to him to try and take pride in my appearance for both mine and his sakes. But he owes it to me to love me anyway. And he does.

Oh, and many years ago I taught him the word 'Rubenesque' and how it was once the epitome of beauty. Now if I'm moaning about my rolls/curves he tells me that I am Rubenesque. It sure sounds nicer than chunky, chubby, cuddly that he someimes used (and he was trying to be nice, but for some reason those comments hurt).

I am not far over the healthy weight range for my height, so the health issue is not such a big one. I DO believe you owe it to your spouse to remain as healthy as possible and that includes not becoming obese through sheer laziness or over indulging. I understand there are plenty of other reasons why people put on weight - aging, genetics, illness, injury, and it doesn't apply in those cases. For better or for worse, remember?

This is a real personal issue for me. My mom is morbidly obese and my parents divorced when I was around 12. In my teens, my dad would squeeze my middle and tease me, he'd offer me money if I'd lose weight. The issue here was I that I wasn't overweight! I was a cheerleader, ran x-country and track, and was a studentbody officer. I know he just didn't want me to turn into my mom...but it really gave me a complex I've dealt with my whole life. After marrying, 2 pregnancies, and years and years of IVF drug poundage.....I finally lost the weight (about 25 lbs) and got down to wedding size. I was so mad at my husband! He hardly commented, didn't take a zillion pictures of me at Christmas, and basically treated me the same as always. That's when I finally woke up (weight issue wise) and realized what an awesome guy I'd married. He truly loved me both ways. My weight didn't really matter to him. Now there's my sister who weighs about 120 lbs at 5 foot 5 inches and has a husband ALWAYS harrassing/teasing/mocking her about her weight. What an idiot. She lives in a mansion and I don't but wouldn't trade my life for hers in a million years.

Sorry, I have not read all the comments. I weigh alot more than when we got married 8 1/2 years ago. I got really heavy and lost it. But right after that and 3 years of infertility I got pg with triplets. In 20 weeks, I gained 40-50 pounds. Due to severe depression (my kids were VERY sick and lost one child), I kept the 40-50 pounds. For the first year, my husband did not say a word because I was taking care of our sick babies. He has started saying something now, but I told him I will deal with it when I am ready. Which I am now due to medical problems. I do consider him, but I agree with you T, I will do it for myself. Maybe this baby weight will go away soon. LOL!

You know, as I got more and more pregnant and watched the stretch marks grow on my stomach and my *thighs* for the love of gawd, I began to understand the rage of a "first wives club" member. I mean, here you are, giving it all up for the sake of the child(ren) you made *together* - your body, your health, your energy levels.

Then afterwards, while you struggle to lose all the weight you gained with the pregnancy, admiring your lovely scrotum textured belly and flabby boobs and thighs, the Hubby goes off and starts admiring all the unplowed fields of the world . . . well. Let's just say that would justify many an act of rage.

Well, I married a great big fat guy in the first place, not because I am particularly attracted to fat guys, but because I love him so much that I couldn't possibly let a hundred pounds keep me away from him.

I knew him eighty pounds ago and he was the same person inside, and that's who I love, not the size label in his shirts.

Now, if I had married him because we were exercise buddies or both enjoyed competitive mountain climbing, I'd probably be pretty cheesed off if he turned into a big sloth, but that's another issue.

In the interest of disclosure, I should probably mention that although I usually have an acceptable BMI, I have not only 'let myself go' while doing IVF, I have apparently thrown myself away with both hands after winding up for the toss.

My fat man is largely okay with that, no pun intended.

You will find three more responses to this issue at http://inkstains.wordpress.com

FFS, I shave my toes, what more can OH want?

I did go read the other blogs and I did go from angry to furious to just plain out sad.

How dare anyone expect that we (we = male or female)owe our partners anything other than love and hey even that we do not owe we give.

Curvy women rock and curvophobes need labotomies! health is one thing living life is another.

unlike MzP I don't shave my toes I braid them.

As usual, I have one foot firmly planted on each side of the fence. I agree with the sentiment that there is a difference between letting yourself go and just gaining some weight. To me, there is a not-so-subtle message in REALLY REALLY letting yourself go (whether men or women do it): "OK, I have you, and now I can do what I want, because you already swore to love me no matter what. I don't care enough about you to make sure you actually enjoy sex with me, so I'm going to pack on 90 pounds." If my husband gained a ton of weight (we're not talking 20 or 40 pounds here), and I knew it wasn't a thyroid issue or something, I would feel taken advantage of. That's just the honest truth.

I used to think men who said things like that about women were jerks. Then one of my friends' husbands gained about 80 pounds after they got married ... and, well ... that's when we both had to admit that keeping the weight off, at least somewhat, is something we both want our spouses to do. She had a much harder time with it than she expected to, and hated herself for that shallowness, because she knew it would hurt her feelings if the situation were reversed. All the same, the physical attraction was simply not there after that. As for each individual doing what's right for them, I certainly agree with that idea in pretty much every aspect of life. But when a husband or wife is upset about a spouse's weight gain, there is no individual. There is a couple. It was hard for me to see my friend so unhappy about her sex life (and she really did try so hard to still make their time together sexual), then say, "Well, it's his life, he can do what he wants." The happiness of more than one person was affected. She worried about his health as well--was it fair for him to possibly eat himself into a heart attack and leave her alone at the age of 50, all because he just loves those sodas and chips? Was it wrong for her to feel deprioritized in that situation--where her spouse doesn't appear interested in having a long healthy life with her? It's pretty rare a BIG weight gain is healthy.

But yes, it just depends on the type of spouse you have. If your spouse doesn't care that you gained 90 pounds, I don't think it's like some objective sin to gain that weight. As long as nobody cares, I really don't see the problem. But when someone cares, I think a big part of marriage is respecting the way the other person feels, sorting out that request, trying to reach a compromise, etc. Each spouse is going to have desires that seem illogical or emotional--one wants another baby, though the money situation doesn't really allow for it, or one really wants to go live in a certain city despite limited job opportunities there, etc. Those emotional/illogical desires, while not necessarily rational, are still to be respected in a marriage, in my opinion--respected, discussed, and hopefully resolved in one direction or the other.

Looks matter. They do. You originally probably got with your partner because you found them attractive. There's a reason we don't all date nice, sweet, incredibly ugly men. Had you had no desire to have sex with them in the beginning, the relationship never would have made it this far. My husband is sexy, and I love it that he's sexy. I certainly wouldn't leave him or stop loving him if he gained weight, but I would be less satisfied in the marriage. That's my honest answer. Many of you would feel more satisfied in your marriages if your husband did more laundry, cooked more, helped with the kids more, etc. A million factors make up marital satisfaction--budget, parenting styles, etc--and a lot of those factors aren't all that romantic ... just the practicalities of life. I'm not saying these women's husbands don't love them after they gain weight. I'm just saying I understand why the men feel less satisfied with the situation after a major weight gain, and I can't blame them for that, no matter how politically incorrect that stance may be.

I just thank the good Lord above that I got a husband who loves me no matter what... Would I like to weigh less? Well sure, who wouldn't? But it's not all that easy.

All I know is that reading the posts/comments makes me want to kill myself, so as not to bother other people. Wouldn't want them to have to look at me.

Wow! I have read a lot of postings on this topic.

I have known females and males who were in their prime and took extra measures to look good while dating and before they got married.

Some of these people (I now believe) bordered on the false advertisement side and soon after in a committed relationship did not find as much time to take the extra measures (such as styling longer hair, working out regularly, or eating healthier).

I have actually heard comments supporting false advertisement.

On the other hand people do change with time. We all know this as a fact of life. Growing more mature in a relationship and focusing on a career or children can lead to a more practical hairstyle and not so healthy eating.

My take on what MIM was stating is that it is those who make drastic changes soon into a committed relationship without regard to his/her partner are those whose relationships could use more respect for themselves and the partner.

The comments I read were enlightening. Thanks Tertia for grabbing hold of this one and sharing it.

I totally don't see the weight gain as a sign of some sort of lack in self-respect. I have more respect for myself now at a much larger size than I did when I FINALLY got down to a size 4 after my second son was born. I was walking several miles a day, and hungry all the time. I am not mean to be that thin as it was a constant battle to stay that size. I had to think about every morsel of food I ate, I had to budget calories if I knew we would go out to dinner later in the week. Plus I was a real b**** to be around because my life was my weight and what I could and could not eat. What kind of life is that?

Now I eat whatever I want in moderation, walk my dog, play with the kids and work outside in the yard. I lift weights by doing laundry. At a size 16/18, my husband can't keep his hands off me. He loves my curves, he loves my full figure. Would I like to lose a few pounds? Sure, but I sure as hell don't want weight loss and exercise to consume my life. There's too much FUN stuff to do!

As for the whole "false advertising" if your dh wants a size 4 19 year old body, he should leave you when you hit 20, and start dating another 19 year old.

Julie 2 comments up... my heart hurts for you being hurt by this I'm sorry that I contributed to it. :o(

Oooooh I love this debate. I can see both sides. I got together with my last partner when I was 17 and holy shit I was skinny! Then holy shit someone finally loved me and then I got fat. And I'm talking really, really fat. It started with BCPs and ended up with my completely unrecognisable because I'd lost all self respect. How did DF handle it - horribly. I once bought a new top and came downstairs to show him it and he said "well it's not really a top for fat girls to wear, is it?" I know, I know I should have left the (fat, and ginger!) bastard right there and then but he and the weight had completely ruined my self esteem. And here's the kicker - he was absolutely right and I was miserable. He dumped me after 6 years saying he didn't love me anymore and we wouldn't have been having that conversation if I was still slim. The best bit of the story - the stress of that and my Dad dying and I lost 50 pounds in six months! My point after all that blabbing is that he wasn't right in the way he told me about it but I was far from right gaining 50 pounds and not giving a shit about myself. I am now pregnant again to the most wonderful man who couldn't give a frick if I wear track pants or a ball gown and because I am happy I still weigh a good 40 pounds less than I did when I was with ginger idiot.

I can see it from both sides.

I find it interesting that everyone has moved the discussion into either being about skinny (which I didn´t think - I thought it was about body change due to a long term relationship) or into If you´ve put on weight and one or both is unhappy then your husband can´t love you very much.

The first I´m not going to go into other than to say I agree that society portrays an unrealistic, unhealthy ideal that has fucked up many people, myself included. But, as I said, I´m not going to interpret this thread as being that can of worms.

The second I think is unfair on most involved. As I said in my previous comment, I´m fat, I´ve let myself go and I´M unhappy with that. Yes, my husband love´s me for me, he´s never mentioned my weight unless I´ve started the conversation, he´s never critised. But, at the same time, unconditional love it is not - as mixed up in it all is not just that warm soft lovely feeling, not just lust, but a hell of a lot of respect. And for me, to sit down and say "Babe, you´re gonna love me no matter WHAT, so whatever I do, or whatever happens to me you have no right to have an opinion on" is not showing enough respect for him and his feelings. If he would say that to me, I´d explode.

If we were to keep the entire thread and simply change weight to tattoo´s, would it get so many people so angry?

Totally agree with Moxie. It's not always about "letting yourself go" - to keep in shape takes hard work, and when you have kids it takes 2. I'm 5'2 and used to be about 100lbs. Loved it. I cycled an hour a day, jogged an hour a day. Thought it was so easy to keep skinny. Then I had baby number one. Loads of breastfeeding, walks with the stroller every day. So easy. What's everyone complaining about?

Now I have 2, and my husband is mostly away. I used to love 2 showers a day, now I can only have 1 at night. The older child doesn't fit in a stroller, so how do I get out to exercise? I bought a treadmill, but I can't do it when the kids are around because the 1 year old climbs on it and it's dangerous. So that leaves nighttime, when I'm tired and still have to wash the dishes, iron and clean the house. So I'm fat. And until I get some help, I'm sure I'll remain that way. I didn't just "let myself go", but it's a matter of circumstance. I'd love to be thinner for my DH (he's actually a bit overweight), but he loves me any way I am and appreciates what I do for the kids. I'm sure in a year or two I'll be able to get fit, healthy and happy - for myself, but also for my husband, and my children. As you said T, a happy wife is a happy husband, and kids.

Just one point, the do your hair / spray perfume / dress nicely thing is great, but when you have a baby with separation anxiety (to the point of not being able to be put down) and no partner around or nanny to help, then sometimes it just has to be birdsnest hair and vomit stained shirt....

I gained a lot of weight after starting BCPs 15 years ago. I was 1 year into a relationship with my (now) husband. I tried every diet. My doctor took me off the BCPs because obviously my body was reacting badly to them. My period stopped completely, etc. It completely messed me up.

It took me years to find out what worked for me. And it's damn hard. I have to eat low carb. I have insulin resistance and PCOS. I was just about to start working very hard on getting into shape when I got pregnant naturally and miscarried. Ever since then, I was focused on getting pregnant again and that led to finally doing IVF. I had to do IVF to get pregnant. I am now 120 lbs. overweight. My husband married me 9 years ago at almost this weight, so he knew what he was getting. He says I am a very pretty, overweight woman. I get stopped on the street by men trying to pick me up. I have not let myself go, I have extra weight. For people to judge me because of it makes me really angry. I have suffered so much as a result of this weight. I have starved myself to no avail. Right after I finally found the answer, I also got pregnant with my twin boys. I gained only 30 lbs with them and lost it all when they were born, but then gained some of it back after breastfeeding was done. My metabolism while pregnant was great! All my healthy eating resulted in a low weight gain. I know people who gained 100 lbs with twins. I also have a lousy case of PPD that I am battling. I stopped the Zoloft a few months ago and am trying to make it on my own with too little sleep.

I am very lucky that my husband loves me for me. He says I am sexy. Apparently other men agree..it probably helps that I am tall and blonde. I hear all the time that I should lose weight, as then I would be gorgeous. (Strangers seem to feel entitled to tell you that all the time.) At 44, I don't suppose I would be that gorgeous, but I would like to find that person again after not seeing her for 15 years...it's just a lot of hard work. And after 9 months of an exhausting twin pregnancy and 1.25 year of twinshock, I am so tired I can barely get through what I have to do. And now I have to start losing weight again? Only eating meat and low-carb veggies? No chocolate (which helps my depression) no non-fat lattes, nothing which soothes me...and which other thinner people eat without thinking they are getting fat.

This is obviously a big issue for me. I am trying to work myself up to where I can stand the idea of dieting again. I also know it won't work unless I exercise too. I have to work, so my choice is to see my kids or exercise. Which would you choose? It makes my heart hurt so badly that I have to leave them every day as it is.

Now let's talk more about how people judge someone who is overweight. I have had people pull over in traffic just to yell insults at me when I was walking along. I have had women make comments that I could hear while I was out with my husband (ooh, he could do better, she is so fat, yuck) etc. I have been treated as a non-person. It's better now that we live in NYC than it was when we lived in LA. I ceased to exist when I lived there as a heavy woman.

The whole issue is so painful for me and has lasted so long in spite of so many efforts to change it. I know that I have the tools in my hands to change it now, which I didn't have for so long, but having the energy and time to do it with 15 month old twins in not so easy. I am hoping that when the weather gets better, I can get out with them more and get my exercise with them. To be honest, I am more concerned about losing weight for my boys than my husband. My husband loves me and is an adult. My boys are little innocent sweethearts and they will hear nasty comments from others and I just don't want them to be hurt. They are already going to hear that their mommy is "old" although I look 10 years younger. But do they need to hear that their mommy is fat? That thought just makes me sick.

I know I need to change this...I just wish I had the energy. Every day I make a new commitment to change...every day I am just too damn tired to follow through. And it's not laziness...it's exhaustion.

So I asked beloved... he does think that it's "false advertising" if it happens immediately. That said he wouldn't stop loving me if I gained weight (a given when I have little ones looking at mum's metabolism and how closely I resemble her at my age) However he does feel that it would be like marrying a different person if their whole image suddenly changed right after the wedding. I personally intend to stay as slim as possible because this is how I'm comfortable, and feel healthies and if he finds it attractive - bonus!

So is it "false advertising" if a man marries a young woman and she.... gasp.... lets herself GET OLD???

People change. Bodies change. People who marry young may well have married before their bodies are fully mature. Metabolisms change. Lifestyles change - the student who has to walk to and from class everyday is likely to be fitter than the suburban mom who drives everywhere in the minivan because there are no sidewalks in her town and nothing is in walking distance anyway.

Hair goes grey. Faces change. Noses grow ;) Eyesight gets poor. Is all of that a sign of "false advertising" too? AFter all "YOu're just not the woman I married..."


I'm with you. Nothing whatsoever to do with my husband. We are both trying to lose weight at the moment, for health reasons, but he's finding it harder. I have lost 2 1/2 stone since I met him, perhaps he should be telling me to put it back on since that's who he fell in love with??

But I think it's telling that I lost the weight after meeting Mr Right. It was only then that I finally had the self-confidence that I could actually do it, and that I was worth it. Oh, and the kick up the backside from the doctor about my blood sugar, and the fact that Mr Spouse is diabetic and I see the needles daily, didn't hurt.

So knocking one's spouse's self esteem by suggesting they need to lose a little weight is the exact thing that is more or less guaranteed to stop them from losing it...

However, it is bollocks that one should stay the same as when one got married purely for one's spouse. People change - that is also what we marry. Hopefully major changes will be discussed in a good marriage, and compromises made where necessary.

I do think both partners owe it to each other to make an effort to eat healthy, and if time and life circumstances permit, get some exercise. I think it shows disrespect to the relationship to consistently eat badly and never get any exercise whatsoever. That said, it is not loving to demand a certain look or weight from your partner or ask that he or she have some type of cosmetic surgery. The important thing is that both parties make an effort, within reason, to take care of their health and appearance.

Wow. Got into this issue late, but here it is.

I am 5'3 and I weighed btwn 180 and 200 pounds when my husband and I first met (yes I was "fat"). We broke up several months after that. I dated other people, gained weight, and when he came back to me I was about 250. That was almost 6 years after we broke up. We got engaged, I got a thyroid problem and starting gaining, I got pregnant (miracle that it was!) and I got preeclampsia and then swelled to over 300 at delivery. I lost to 280 and then held (couldn't see to lose, damn thyroid) until the infertility issues hit. I was up to 325.

So I was REALLY fat when I got pregnant this time. I've since lost down to just below 300, and I'm just now in the second trimester.

My husband has never said anything about my weight nor allowed me to.

However, I also notice that he doesn't want to have sex as often as he did when we first met. He was about 26 then and he's now 34. Is that b/c I gained weight? Probably not. When we first met he was young and just out the Marine Corps, he's now older (though by FAR not old) and he weighs more too. He's still hot in my opinion. We also have a 3 year old who is developmentally delayed.

So, I have a hard time believing my husband doesn't want to have sex several times a day solely b/c I weigh more than I did when we first met when I was 20 even though I was fat then, I'm just more fat now. Looking back though...damn did I look hot...if only I'd known or appreciated that back then ::sigh:: Sure I was fat, but I was very sexy "fat."

My guess is that I false advertised for my husband by getting a thyoid problem and even after managing to get it under control, I STILL couldn't get the weight off. So I'm about 50 pounds more than I was when we got together before we got married, but I'm 120 pounds more than I was when we first met.

My husband still loves me and has never cared if I cut all my butt length hair off or lose a ton of weight. If I do either, his opinion is I'll do it for me not for him, b/c he loves me no matter what.

This topic is quite irritating for me. I am overweight, and have been my entire life. I do, however, weigh less now than when I married, which is 200 lbs. What do you mean false advertising? Like hey, this is what I got, it looks good - so I am lovable and tolerable as long as I look exactly like this? That is just not the human condition. I cannot fathom being married to some idiot who judges me on my apprearance alone. And I am oh so glad that my husband does not think like that. I am not an object. I am a person, and if some motherfucker had the audacity to suggest that I would be a better person for dropping 50 lbs, I would let them have it. Unfortunatley, there are people who think just that, and I am glad that I do not have to live in their small shallow world - it's tight in there, and they're gonna choke on it.

Some random thoughts..

Would it be false advertising if, after getting married, the spouse started losing weight? Because then they would no longer be the size the other one fell in love with?

For me personally, the most important thing is that you do it for yourself. To have pride in yourself and wanting to take good care of yourself so that you're "around" for your loved ones. That's what it comes down to me, and I am not just talking about weight here but also smoking, alcohol and "staying put" with my gluten free diet that I have to maintain for the rest of my life. I want to take care of my body as best as I can so that I live a healthy life and I am there to see my son graduate from high school, get married, etc. We only have one body and we don't get a new one should one part go "kaputt". Now.. not everyone with a bit of weight have the typical health issues (high bp, type II diabetes), and some people carrying a few extra pounds can actually be physically in better shape than some skinny ones. But those who already have health issues, should do something about them. You shouldn't diet for the sake of looking good but for being there for your children and husband. Being around long enough to see your kids grow up. That means love.

I recently separated from my husband. He's grossly overweight but that's not the reason I left him, and those reasons are not the topic of this conversations so we'll leave them aside. He's well on his way destrying the little health he has, and he has no motivation to do anything about it. He has very high blood pressure, type II diabetes knocking the door, severe back issues, etc. Over the years I've tried to tell him that by losing some weight, by taking better care of his body --- that would be love towards us. I didn't need him to become skinny. I only wanted him to get healhier. Because, God willing, he would be around to see his son grow up and I wouldn't become a young widow. But he doesn't buy it at all. He thinks it's utter crap... and continues to eat very unhealthy. He's not going to be around much longer if he continues this way. I am being dead serious. And I am deeply saddened for our son's sake because of that.

We all come in different shapes and sizes, and not everyone can be skinny. I think some people just look better when they're a little round. The most important thing is that you are happy and confident with yourself, because it SHINES through, no matter what your weight is. Because we are all beautiful.

This is interesting, because it's something I have totally thought about. I've been heavy and thin (and am heavy again), but when Hubby and I met and married, I was thin. Due to a series of accidents and injuries, current illness, finding Hubby's couch-potato lifestyle way more appealing than my athletic lifestyle ;) and infertility, I gained a significant amount of weight.

I told Hubby one day that I felt I "misled" him - he met and married this thin cute chick, and now he's stuck with the overweight wife. He said it didn't matter, he loves me any way I look, and I still look hot to him.

Changes happen. For whatever reason. And if weight gain is one of the changes, so be it. "Love me as I am" and all that. If you spend your whole day shlumping around the house in dirty sweats, showering once a month (and you *haven't* recently had a baby!), that's a different story.

People gain weight as they age. It's pretty much inevitable.

I weighed 108 pounds in my 20's. Ate a big bowl of Breyer's French Vanilla ice cream (with real vanilla bean flakes) with Hershey's chocolate syrup every day during my pregnancy, and managed to get up to 131 by the time I had my kid. Lost all that right away. I ate anything and everything I wanted. Now I'm 45, and keeping my weight down to 140 is a struggle. I know, cry me a river, but I have a slight build so that's more weight than it sounds like on me, and there's diabetes in my family and so forth. The point is, to keep my weight there I am having to give up more and more things I like to eat, and at some point I'm going to stop giving those things up and say to hell with it.

And Susan, if you're still reading - that is my unasked-for advice to you. Set some kind of eating policy that's healthy and that satisfies you and doesn't make you feel sad and deprived. Exercise a moderate amount - not too little and not too much. And let the chips fall where they may. Your body will find the size it needs to be. If people don't like it, scroo'em.

I don’t think that being married is an excuse to let yourself go completely. Unfortunately I see this too often. Women taking less pride in themselves once they are married.

Not everyone derives their pride from the number on their scale.

I weighed (gah) in on this on my blog, but here's my two-cents, which is largely a second to Moxie's: it's all about whether or not YOU feel good about yourself (which is something that partners contribute to), whether you're dealing with 5 extra pounds or 50. If you're partner is not happy with the new you after kids (assuming otherwise good-husbandness, assuming, that is, that it's not assy peevishness fueling his discontent), odds are that you're not either. If you feel happy, healthy, sexy, I'd say that odds are good that there's no problem. But if not? Problem, and not one that emanates solely from your partner. But one that you really need your husband's support in rectifying.

i weighed in on this issue as well- although i didnt' really get into the whole what a man should accept and what he shouldn't aspect at all.

I weighed in on my blog too, where this topic is concerned.

It was only today that I stumbled upon it - many, many blogs and many more comments. I started reading, beginning with Mim's (she's closed comments or I would have chimed in there).

I had a horrible reaction. I was in my office at work and near tears. I was hurt and angry and more angry. Reading some of the comments from the 'other side' has helped. A few of them here in this very thread have made me want to stand up and cheer, to shout HELL, YEAH!

Here goes:
I went to my yearly physical and my doctor who is really nice well, until she said this:

Her: How tall are you?
Me: 5 feet 4
Her: WOW!
Me: WOW?
Her: Oh um..(she starts counting on her fingers)
You're 40 pounds overweight.
Her: Well,let's see, we're the same height and I weigh 120 and you weigh 180. That's a lot of weight to carry around
Me: areyoukiddingmerightnow!!!!!!!!!!!

Icing on the cake: I'm married to a marine who eats, sleeps, breaths, physical 'dont eat all those carbs' fitness.
Yikes. Sigh! Now, I need a hug.

Wow- this topic sure did generate interest, eh? I'm looking forward to reading the links you've provided. Funny thing is that I really can see *everyone's* point in this.

I talked to my husband about this last night and he said something interesting. He said that my focus on my weight makes him feel worse about the weight he gained after we got married because if I feel that way about myself, then I *must* feel that way about him.

Nope. I don't see the weight on him. I honestly don't. To me, he's just as wonderful as when we were dating.

We women have some screwed up thinking sometimes... (ok, maybe it's just me!)

i hope you don't mind, but i posted this debate on my message board.. i'd love for you to read the comments.
for the time being, i opened my message board up to GUESTS, so you don't have to create a log in to read- just click guest.


A group of friends have a weight loss blog, this topic got around to us via our member Paige. Here is the link to our posts and comments about this: http://julieatethis.blogspot.com/2006/03/what-do-you-guys-think-false.html

I would have to say I am pretty much on the same page as you. Which is on a bunch of pages. My husband gained between fifteen and twenty pounds after we got married (We've been married ten years.) In the last year or so he has lost 5-7 pounds. He looks better! He'd look great if he lost a few more! Like you, I like the skinny boys.

I have gained maybe five pounds since 1995. A couple of pounds related to pregnancy and another three related to anti-depressants. I'm pretty much the same size, in some cases I've gone up a size.. But my husband likes thin women, and I like feeling as sexy for him as possible. I would feel completely unsexy at a (US) size 14. And that's about me. Not about him. He's never said a word about my weight, but I know what he likes. It's really the same thing I like.

I don't think it's about "false advertising," but I do think it's about remembering your original chemistry, what the romance was that drew you together. And if you can tap into that twenty years later - so much the better.

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