Mommy love

A few weeks ago my sister asked me to get in touch a woman she had met through a friend of a friend. This person is dealing with infertility issues and my sister thought I could help her. 

 

We exchanged a few emails and agreed to meet for lunch (and wine) yesterday.

 

It was nice meeting her, we had a great chat about all sorts of infertility ‘things’, about how hard it was to be infertile in a fertile world, about having to deal with pregnant friends, baby showers, biological clocks and decisions around the correct path to follow.

 

She hasn’t done any high tech stuff, and wanted to meet me to discuss what she should do, the next steps she should take. She wanted to know my story. 

 

I am always wary to tell my people my story, because although my story does have a happy ending, the stuff I went through must be terrifying to hear to someone just starting out on the high tech road. I always hasten to tell people that what happened to me is the exception rather than the norm! I told her my story.

 

Inevitably the question came up, ‘so, was it worth it?’ And as I have said before, there is no easy answer to that. Yes and no. Yes my kids are worth every thing I went through and more. I would die for them. Were the losses, Ben’s death, worth the sacrifice? No, never ever.

 

But I understood what she was asking. She was asking me to tell her that all of this is worth it. All the treatments, the money, the pain, the disappointments, that all of it is worth it in the end. Because you do doubt yourself when you are in the midst of all of it. You wonder if you really do want children, you start doubting yourself, you start trying to convince yourself that your life is actually so much better without all of this, perhaps having a child is not really THAT wonderful, not really that worth it. The sleepless nights, the disruption to your life, the sacrifices you will have to make. All these things go through your mind. It is a self-protective mechanism. I think many infertile people go through it at one stage or another, the doubts. The wondering if all of it is worth it. So I knew what she was really asking, whether the prize at the end is worth all of the pain.

 

And it is. It is so worth it. I realized yesterday as I was talking that it is more than just about having a child, or even being a mother. It is about the mommy love. Mommy love is the love that I feel when I hold my sleepy child on my lap with his head on my shoulder, it is the love I feel when I look down at my sleeping child in her cot when doing my final ‘just before bed’ check, the love I feel when my sick baby melts into my arms. Mommy love is the love I feel when I see my child’s face light up when I pick her up out of her cot first thing in the morning, when he throws his arms around me and giggles in my neck. It is the mommy love that makes all the pain and all the hardship worth it. 

 

Mommy love is a love I have never experienced before, it is a love like no other. It is not a better love than other loves; it is not a love that every one might need or even want. It is however, the most intense love I have ever felt in my life. It is all consuming, it is all powerful, it makes me weak and it makes me strong, it is the most beautiful, powerful, fulfilling thing I have ever experienced in my life. 

 

Mommy love and the opportunity to feel it and experience it every single day of my life is what made the journey so very worth it. Mommy love is the reason why I did this. And mommy love is the reason why I told this woman to try for as long as she could bare it. To carry on trying, to stick with it. Mommy love is what makes it worthwhile.

 

My wish is that every single person who wants it, gets a chance to experience the magical, wondrous thing that is mommy love.

 

And finally I get to answer my own question, the question I asked when I was overwhelmed with Mothershock and the shock of dealing with newborn twins:   Why do we decide to have children? The answer:  Mommy love.

Comments

[Beth]

Beautiful post T. Thank you for this.

[Gina]

"Mommy love". What a great description. GREAT. Not what I get back either it is what *I* feel when I look at them.

I agree with it being worth it. It all sucked, ALL of it. But everything was worth it. I do sometimes wonder if those that did not have to do all of it really know what a gift they got.

This was beautifully written. I got tears in my eyes reading it. Thanks for putting it into words.

[Shanna]

You nailed that one. Mommy Love. That is what I try to tell people I want when they ask why I am trying for another baby now that Alex is 12. It is the mommy love and those precious moments you don't get with a 12 year old.
Very timely for you to post this as I have been questioning myself on why do I want another baby and you got those questions right too.
And yes Gina, to your comment, I, at least, do know what a gift the mommy love from Alex was and really want to have that again. This whole unable to carry a pregnancy is really making me appreciate the gift I was giving with Alex. I do wonder though if I would have thought about it quite the same way if any one of my three losses would have resulted in a baby. Something to think about, that is for sure but I do know I want to have that feeling again someday and don't want to wait for a grandchild.
This time is not so easy as just having drunk sex and then wondering where the heck my period is for the next 9 months, like the first time around. I wish it was that easy again but maybe the effort will make me more understanding in my old age if I do get lucky enough to have another baby. (Ok, old age I will be 39 in May)
Thank you for posting this, it helped me with some issues.

[faith]

I know what you mean. My pregnancy was horrendous. My husband and friends still mourn over it. But I can barely force myself to think about the hard times-- that's how much my feelings for my daughter have totally overwhelmed me with love...gushing love. And like Gina said, it's not about the love I get back yet. I've found wells of love inside my heart that I did not know that I had, and I am thankful for the opportunity to feel it, all because I had a baby. I mean, I thought I knew what unconditional love was before my daughter. But now that she's here, I know that I never understood, and that I could never HAVE understood. It's biochemical.

[Mrs. T]

Wow... Your post blew me away. I too have been through and am still struggling over "is it all worth it"? At what lengths do you go to even try to get to where you want to be? We've been trying for 2 1/2 years and I have yet to even get pregnant. I think ultimately I know it is worth it, but it's hard, so very hard to decided what, if anything, you should try or how much further into debt you can fathom. Many times I pray that they will find something wrong with me just so I have a reason rather than, "unexplained". That, for me, makes it even that much more difficult. I hope to one day experience that mommy love you talk of though. Thanks for posting this. It brings a lot of things to light that have been swimming in my head.

[Kel]

Amen, sister!

Its hard to talk about because the difficult things about parenting are tangible to anyone (we've all been really tired and would rather not be, most of the adults I know have been around a screaming baby and its no fun, the idea of pumping oneself (with a needle) with very expensive drugs is something most folks would just as soon pass on ever facing, etc., etc., etc.).

But the good stuff is just magic and we don't always have the right words to explain it. Parental love is different and it teaches you that love as a concept is UNLIMITED.

Its hard to explain to people without children because the reasons for not having children are so vast (from can't to don't want) and one never wants to say, "Oh you've got to have children because the love you'll feel is like nothing else..." and while that's true it isn't completely accurate.

I rather try to explain that I was a full fledge adult by the time I got to be a mom. I'd had many loving experiences with all sorts of folks (family, lovers, friendships, pets, etc.). I would have said, had anyone asked, that I pretty much had a handle on what love meant. Then I had kids. I didn't know there were any dimensions of love left and yet there were.

And I'm very blessed to have been able to experience those other dimensions.

I think this also works for the idea that I love each of my children "the same, yet differently". I love Nicholas because he's my Nicholas and I love both of my daughters because one is my Lillian and one is my Isabella. There isn't any "best" because that would mean putting some kind of a limit on how much love I could feel. Again, love is unlimited. It feels spiritual to write that, but it feels spiritual to be a parent.

At least for me.

Nice post, thanks for making me think about this again, I'm going to go hug my kids.

Kel

[Menita]

Yes.
For me, it was the realization that no matter where my daughter is, my heart will never be empty again.

[Julie]

You said it better than i could have. brought tears to my eyes to have someone explain that feeling - just never been able to put those feelings into words. Thanks for doing so.

[Jenn / Duchess]

Thank you. Yesterday and today have been particularly difficult for me and I had been questioning if we should continue down this road. This reminded me why we were doing it. It was a wonderful post.

[jenny]

Wow, I wasn't expecting to read your post and cry. It felt like you wrote this post for me (I'm sure many others feel the same). Those are the questions I have been struggling. I'm getting ready for my first IVF cycle and the thought "is it worth it" has crossed my mind.
Thank you for sharing this story. I really needed to hear it right now.
It is mommy-love that I am missing and you expressed it so well. I think that is the difference between being a step-mom and a mom. Step-mom's have lots of love (hopefully) but we are missing that deep mommy love that we know our step-children share with somebody else.

[Shannon]

God Tertia,I am wiping the tears after reading this post! I know that everytime I hear my four year old say mommy,or my 5 month old coo when he catches sight of me,that this precious gift i have been given,this mommy love,is worth anything and everything I ever did to get them.Thanks so much for reminding me of this.

[sabrina]

your post brought tears to my eyes. i'm so happy for you. i will bookmark this post and read it when i am having doubts. i'm so very happy for you, and hope to be made weak one day myself.

[kristin]

Just beautiful, Tertia. Every word you wrote in this blog entry spoke to the depths of my heart... simply beautiful and much appreciated. Kristin

[Jennifer]

This is why I love your blog, T. Thanks for making me stop right in the middle of my busy day and really appreciate the spitty kisses and stuff.

xo

[Stefanie]

Nothing greater, is there?

[Andrea]

Thank you so much for this wonderful post. Since my son was born 5 months ago, my husband and I have struggled for a way to describe what we feel. We've basically decided there are no words big enough, and so now, when we're feeling so overwhelmed with love for this little one we've waited so long for, we just look at each other and say "there are no words".

Thank you Tertia for giving me words.

[Leah]

Beautiful!

[paola]

Thanks T - that was beautiful.

I've never been the sort of person who goes gooey over babies and put off having a child for the longest time because I just didn't think I was maternal enough.

I went for it in the end because my husband was keen. We struggled through recurrent miscarriage and I started to think 'che sera sera' and plan our next child-free holiday. Until one pregnancy stuck.

Our baby was born underweight and frail and the first few months were spent in constant (painful) breastfeeding and constant crying as she struggled to regain her strength. When she was three months old, I was thoroughly exhausted, thoroughly miserable and convinced that I had made the biggest mistake of my life.

But, almost without my noticing it, the moments of 'mummy-love' became more and more frequent - moments of fierce, uncompromising, proud, protective love for my funny little girl which are quite breathtaking in their power and completely unlike any other kind of love I've ever known.

It is visceral. It can be overwhelming. And it is totally unique. It is not the be all and end all of life, but I'm so glad I've been privileged enough to experience it. It is lovely to think that I will wake up tomorrow and fall in love with my baby all over again. And I can say that yes, without a doubt, it IS all worth it.

Pxx

[MamaChristy]

"Mommy love" was the one thing I was totally unprepared for when I had my son. I had read all the books. Healthy preganancy books? Check. What you need for the nursery and how to get a deal on it? Check. How to breastfeed? Check. How to sleep-train? Check. I did not read ONE BOOK that prepared me for the overwhelming love that I would feel for someone I just met; someone who couldn't talk to me (or even focus on me!). I look forward to doing it all again in a few years...

[victoria]

That was really beautiful.

[korin]

Thanks. I needed that. :)

[Em]

I love this post. Thank you for these words!

[Judy]

That is AWESOME, T. I have a couple of friends I'm going to point this way to specifically read this post. They need it.

[cath]

crying crying crying thank you.

[Lisa]

I'm jealous of all of you that get to experience "mommy love". My husband doesn't know if he wants children or not and has been jerking me around on the issue for 2 1/2 years. I've all but given up at this point and it's heartbreaking.

[Suzie-Q.]

Tertia~
Thank you for so eloquently describing for everybody what our pay-off is at the end of the dark days.
Being single with twins and no help made the days of this past first year unspeakably difficult, labor intensive physically and mentally. Yet, when people ask if it is worth it I unequivocally say that just seeing my babies light up the universe with their smiles when they see me in the morning has made it all worthwhile.
That alone has changed my life.
Thank you for speaking to this issue. I hope that all infertiles who are trying keep this post close to heart and use it for the strength they will need.

[Lindsey]

Thank you T. As you've been told, you miraculously put into words what our lives are consumed by once parenthood begins.

Mommy love.

It makes ANYTHING worthwhile.

[VGB]

Wow, this post really struck me. Thanks for writing it - what really lovely words.

Liz

[DanaB]

Another f'ing brilliant post. I also needed to hear this. Thank you, T., for continuing to write about infertility for the people who receive so much comfort and inspiration from your words and perspective.

[mar]

Lovely post. I like the line "it makes me weak and it makes me strong". V, v true! Normally I'm such a private person so it took me by such surprise to find out that I would have to wear my heart on my sleeve for the rest of my life!

And not that you need to point it out to most people who read your blog, but it doesn't matter how you get experience the mommy love - pregnancy or adoption - that feeling that your heart may explode out of your chest at any moment feels exactly the same no matter what road you took to get there!

Thanks again for the lovely post!

[JennyK]

This is why being a mother is sush a life-altering experience. It's not the sleepless nights, the sheer physical nature of caring for a baby, or the running around after a toddler -- it's the mommy love that completely changes you from the person you were before.

[Joey]

Whoever said the feeling is visceral - that's a great description. It's powerful, amazing, and sometimes scary. It makes the darkest days seem worthwhile. And my Mum tell me the feeling never disappears.

That being said, I do still have days when I think back BC (before children) and long for the sleep-ins, the time to myself, the peace and quiet...

[susan (formerly of post-coital babble)]

I think you just wrote the final paragraphs of your new book.

Well done.

[amy]

What a beautiful description. I especially love the "...it makes me weak and it makes me strong..." part. You have such a way with words.

[sheilah]

Mommy love. So true. Someone I know calls it the 'mamma lion' instinct.

I feel a lot like the Grinch. I swear that everytime I look at my son my heart grows 3 sizes. I still get teary-eyed when I look at him.

[ElizabethM]

So perfect - you made me cry. And I agree with one of the comments I saw above - you hear about all the hard things about having children (lack of sleep, toddler tantrums, no alone time) but people don't often enough rave about the good things. And this sums it up perfectly. Thank you.

[Minna]

Such a beautiful post T, and so very true. Stopped me right in my tracks and made me weep.

[michelle_twinmum]

That's most beautiful!! All so very true!