Dinner party etiquette

Marko and I do not have a big social life. Actually, we don’t have any social life what so ever. It is my fault. Before we got married we did go out quite a bit but once we got married and started trying for a baby and the whole infertility thing happened, I got increasingly depressed, my world got smaller and smaller, and towards the end, we never went out at all. Ever. Then we got pregnant, then bedrest, then lost Luke and Ben, and then got pregnant again and the whole bedrest thing again and then the first year of twins etc etc. So for the last five years we have pretty much had no social life.

Two years ago we moved into the house we are in now and we are slowly building up our social life again, although I think at heart, we are still big stay at home types.

What is divine about where we stay now, is that next door and across the road are couples the same age as us, with kids the same age. The neighbour across the road (NATR) is a SAHM with a two year old and the neighbours from next door (NFND) have a four year old and 2 yr old b/g twins.

Last Saturday night the NATR invited Marko and I, the NFND and another couple for dinner. We had lots of fun, so nice to go out and socialize! Felt all grown up and divine. Best bit – we were home by 11pm ;-)

Except, what do I do now!!!

I think I need to reciprocate the invitation. Isn’t that how these things work? You get invited to a dinner party at one couple’s house and then you invite them to a dinner party at your house.

All good and well, except that I CANT COOK. At all. To save my life. And there is certainly no way in hell I can cook for a dinner party.

Ok, here is the list of questions:

1. When invited to a dinner party, what does one bring with? A bottle of wine? (I did) Do you offer to bring something like dessert? Flowers?

2. How do I reciprocate? What should I do? Do you think it is ok to invite them out for dinner at a restaurant and then pay for all of us? Or should I invite them to my house and order pizza’s? Should I invite them and order ready-made stuff?

3. What is the correct behaviour afterwards? Do I call to say thank you? Is it ok if I see them in their garden the next day and thank them then? Do I need to send a little gift?

4. When you host the dinner party, should you invite the same people at the original party?

5. Are there any particular rules regarding the mix of guests at these events?

6. Do you need to ask before hand if there are any vegans or lactose / gluten / pizza intolerant people on the guest list?

This is all v stressful. I haven’t been part of the social scene for so long I have no idea how these things work.

But the biggest worry is what the hell will I feed these people?

Comments

[Nicole]

I think that the reason that people organize a dinner, or any social event, is to be able to spend time with people that they enjoy. So if you want to reciprocate, it isn't necessarily about the food, but about organizing something fun to invite them to. Organize a night out with the couple and other people that you think they might have fun with- it doesn't have to be the same people as at their dinner. In fact they would probably enjoy meeting someone new, eg your sister and her spouse. If you invite them to your house, you could just say upfront that you are an appalling cook and don't want to subject them to your cooking so you propose some store bought hors d'oeuvres and drinks, maybe some special wine you discovered that is just gorgeous. I think they would feel bad if they thought you were doing something out of obligation so even more reason to organize something that you will enjoy just as much as your guests. If everyone (including you) has fun, that is the mark of a successful evening, not how much food you prepared.

[Kelly]

1. I normally ask the hostess if I can bring any thing. If she says no, then I bring wine.

2. I personally wouldn't invite them to a restaurant and pay for everyone. I am not even sure why I feel that way though - more on that later. You could definitely do take out or pizza. You could have Marco grill (brai ?) something divine too and then just toss a salad.

3. Thank you is important, doesn't need to be formal just as part of a conversation.

4. You don't have too unless you enjoyed their company.

5. Yes! Just ask if they have any food intolerances.

[Scheherazade]

1. I would offer to take along something and then take wine if they said no. If they said yes, depending on how much time I had, I would either make a cake/something or pick one up from a nice shop.

2. Reciprocating - if you want a formal-ish do then I would suggest getting ready made stuff in - less hassle for you. Otherwise, just suggest a casual evening with drinks and take-out :)

3. As long as you say thank you, it doesn't really matter how.

4. Invite the same people and then any other people who you think might get along with them. Don't invite too many people though!

6. If cooking/providing food, always ask about dietary intolerances. If you're getting take-out then they're old enough to know what they can't eat.

[wessel]

1. When invited to a dinner party, what does one bring with? A bottle of wine? (I did) Do you offer to bring something like dessert? Flowers?

ANSWER: At the time of the invitation, offer to bring something but word it specifically, such as "May I bring a dessert? a green salad? an hors d'oeuvre?" If they say no, then I would also still bring a bottle of wine or a box of special gourmet chocolates/candies/nuts -- something they might not normally buy for themselves. Since you are somewhat of a wine expert, wine is a very appropriate gift coming from you -- just make sure they drink wine! If the hostess is Martha Stewart-ish, then she probably already has carefully placed flower arrangements around the house and doesn't want to have to scramble to find a vase to put yours in. But if she is a hostess who doesn't normally have flowers out, then a florist bouquet could be a nice treat for her. Generally, food oriented get-togethers call for food gifts, but you can probably never go very wrong with flowers (unless someone is allergic to pollen!)

2. How do I reciprocate? What should I do? Do you think it is ok to invite them out for dinner at a restaurant and then pay for all of us? Or should I invite them to my house and order pizza’s? Should I invite them and order ready-made stuff?

ANSWER: They may feel uncomfortable going out to a restaurant on your dime. For people who are used to hosting, it doesn't seem like that big a deal to make you dinner and have you over, but for you to take them to a fully paid meal out on the town! That seems like you are over-reciprocating (even though from your perspective, it would sure be easier!) If there are kids involved, now you've just forced them to find a babysitter, so probably not the best idea. I wouldn't do pizza either, but that's just me. Pizza is extremely casual -- maybe if you were inviting them over to watch the Super Bowl or something. How about throwing some steaks and some corn on the cob on the grill, and then bringing home green salads, potato salads, etc, from a nice deli? That would be perfectly okay. Alternatively, you could order a variety of several Chinese take-out dishes and rices and serve up dinner on your nice china.

3. What is the correct behaviour afterwards? Do I call to say thank you? Is it ok if I see them in their garden the next day and thank them then? Do I need to send a little gift?

ANSWER: If you see them often enough and are pretty sure you will run into them in the next couple of days, then it is perfectly fine to say, "Marco and I had so much fun the other night at your house. The food was delicious and we just really enjoyed the conversation." You do not need to send a gift. You do not need to send a written thank you (considered very formal these days) unless it was a formal event, like a formal dinner party. If the person is not someone you would see within the next couple of days, then you can either telephone or email them your thanks.

4. When you host the dinner party, should you invite the same people at the original party?

ANSWER: No, not necessary. People like to meet new people, so feel free to mix and match invitees! If you really want to get to know some of those people better, then you could ask your hostess for their phone numbers, and invite them over at a later date.

5. Are there any particular rules regarding the mix of guests at these events?

ANSWER: Just don't invite people who hate each other.

6. Do you need to ask before hand if there are any vegans or lactose / gluten / pizza intolerant people on the guest list?

ANSWER: Yes, but all you need to say is, "Are there any special dietary concerns I should be aware of?"

[Kez]

Have a barbie (braai, is that how you spell it?). In my experience the men play duelling spatulas over the grill, the kids go off into a corner and try to kill each other, and once the store bought gourmet salads are dumped in bowls, the women sit around drinking wine. Weather's probably still warm enough for you guys to do that.

Best way to explain why everything's store bought is to show them a photo of what you did to your kitchen. 'Nuff said!

Personally I think people who have food allergies are the ones who need to inform hosts of their needs, but if you are worried about killing someone, it can't hurt to ask.

[Vannessa]

Whenever we entertain it is usually a braai where everyone brings their own meat and drinks and if someone offers to bring a salad I will never say no although I never ask them to. But other friends (not part of the normal crowd) have asked us to their place for his home cooked meals a few times and they are divine (the food that is). But now I also do not know how to reciprocate as I too am not the greatest cook. But what I have done before is get a pasta dish from the pasta place down the road (across from Nandos). You should try them, their butternut ravioli is delish, and they will make up a dish for however many you need with a few days notice.

By the way, if you do not cook at all, what do you and Marco eat? I am always curious whenever you mention not cooking. I hate cooking with a passion but with a growing child you need to give him something nourishing, often ends up with fish fingers, mixed veg and smash.

[wheelomatic]

Yes, the nice thing to do is return the invitation. But it does not have to be next week! It can be in a couple months or even all the way to Christmas or New Years if you want.
And it does not have to be an invite for exactly the same thing or to the same expense. That is, if NATR invites you over for adults-only candle lit prime rib and asparagus with hand dipped truffles for dessert, you don't have to go to the same expense. Having them over for a braai and beer with all the kiddies playing in the sprinkler is fine. Or taking them out to a restaurant and picking up the check, or having a nice light pasta meal and playing cards and drinking wine afterwards. Or take them out to a concert, or a ball game or some other event around town.

It is the fact that you asked them back to show you enjoy their company that is important, not a tit-for-tat trying to out do each other as the hostess-with-the-mostest.

Oh and it is TOTALLY ok to cater food in for a dinner party if one cannot cook. And sooo much easier, you get to enjoy your guests more with less worry and less clean up. BONUS!

[Moxie]

I think it depends on how you think this is going. If it seems like it's the kind of thing that could turn into a gang of three couples/families hanging out once a week or so, then I don't think you need to do any formal thank-yous or hostess gifts. What will probably end up happening is that one couple hosts but the other two each bring something (like a salad or dessert or wine). Since your strength is wine, I'd just confess to the other couples that you don't cook, order in pizza or some other main course (or do your braii thing), and ask one couple to bring a salad and the other dessert.

If it looks like it's going to continue to be a more formal thing, though, then I'd say either do braii or get prepared food and don't ask the other couples to do anything. they'll probably bring wine. Which is a shame, since wine is your strength.

I think eventually it'll end up with you being in charge of wine no matter whose house you're at and the thers doing more of the food. But then I think people should play to their strengths.

(If you want an easy chocolate cake recipe, there's one up on my personal site today. It's so easy Adam and Kate will probably be able to do it by this time next year.)

[Laura]

Tertia, this comment has nothing to do with your post, but I just had to say it: I really miss your poll :-(
I had lots of fun with it...but well, I have lots of fun with your blog too, so it´s a little loss...

Love.
PS. Your kids are charming! They are really growing up!

[Cricket]

You, Miss G&D, need to host a wine tasting. It wouldn't have to be difficult. Offer simple, ready made appetizers - frozen stuff stuck in the oven 20 minutes, veggies and/or fruit and dips, cheese and crackers, easy peasy. You could even ask them to bring their favorite wine, so that they supply the supplies. Or ask some to bring wine, some appetizers. Or all bring both. That way they get to partake in their hostess gift, something that rarely happens and I'm usually disappointed b/c I brought something I like. Wine tasting, perfect for you.

[Sassy]

1. I usually ask if there's anything I can bring, if they say no I pick up a good bottle of wine to take.

2. I bbq/braai is a good easy way to reciprocate. I find going out and paying to be a bit uncomfortable sometimes. Since you have kids, maybe a picnic in the backyard would be cool. Just sandwiches, snacks, etc... Pizza is good with a movie to go with, but is maybe a bit informal for a dinner with guests.

3. It really depends on the people. Personally, I'd thank them next time I saw them, but I wouldn't make a big deal of it.

4. I think it's good to invite a similar mix of people, a few extras are handy. Maybe another couple with kids that have similar interests. New people make it all a bit more interesting and exciting.

5. I don't think there's any particular rules. But if you know someone is going to irritate someone else, leave them off the list unless you want that guest to leave early.

6. I don't usually ask, I figure they're grown ups and can tell me if they have any special needs but I say this because I was a vegetarian for years and never asked people to go out of their way to cater for my personal choices, but obviously not everyone works that way.

[Kelly]

I vote for the braai too. I actually am a lovely cook, but I find most of our friends run habitually late and I can't ever time the food right. With a braii I have already made salads and sides (but you could get nice ready-made stuff) and then if there is a delay it isn't a big deal.

I usually take a bottle of wine to dinner parties.

[Sakoro]

When we go to visit our family in South Africa, we always invite people to tea. Maybe my family is a bit pommie or something but it seems to be pretty common in S.A. It's also a lot simpler than dinner-- you can pick up some tea cakes at pic and pay, brew a pot of tea and you're all set!!!

[Jacqui]

I am not going to even read through the suggestions before I answer this. Tertia, you live in the land of WOOLWORTHS!!!! **said out screaming** You go into the store, you buy those wonderfully packed and ready to add in a pot veggie thingies, baby potatoes are already seasoned, just throw them in an oven dish and roast, the meats section is to die for and I am sure that there are already marinated meats or chickens that you can select from. They have the BEST fruit salads and you can buy some ice-cram to enjoy with that. No excuses, cook it girl...hehehehe!!
P.S. You can even order everything online and they will deliver it to your doorstep!! How easy is that.

Also check out Pick ´n Pay online, they cater for any occasion and it´s like homemade cooking.

Just remember to throw the packaging away and take all the credit for cooking such a wonderful meal...hehehe!!

[Naomi]

You could do a pot luck - that way everyone is bringing something and your cooking or - er - buying prepared food is minimal.

[Boliath]

1. chill out
2. relax, take a deep breath.
3. Your neighbour invited you and the others over for dinner to get to know you better and hang a little, if you brought wine, great, if you invite them over for a grill or buffet style thingie, great, a restaraunt is a no-no in my book, makes people uncomfortable that you're spending money on them, makes them reluctant to order what they want, drink too much etc...seems kinda lazy to be honest.
4. these numbers have no relevance to your questions, sorry.
5. Seriously though, it might be different in South Africa, but where I come from (Ireland) and where I live (US) you ask can you bring something, they say no, your bring wine and beer, you ask them to yours at some future point, I tend to go for a bbq so the kids can run around, food is easy, salads and grilled meat and/or fish. I would invite the two sets of neighbours and maybe one other couple to mix it up a bit. It's easy to ask if people have dietary requirements, but people who do usually say so upfront, if they have a brain.

[Kay]

Tertia - I think part of your charm is that you aren't very domestic. I'd not hide the fact that food was catered (if you decide to cater). You can still put it in your very best dinnerware. OR you can do paper plates. It's still warm where you are right? There's no reason you can't host something casual out of doors. Everyone else is right - it's more about the commaraderie (sp?) than the food anyway.

Bringing wine or flowers to a dinner party is appropriate. A verbal thank you is fine since you are neighbors. An after-gift is not necessary.

For guests, you don't have to invite every single couple at the other party, but I would invite both neighbor couples (leaving one out might be awkward), plus anyone else in your own circle of friends who might get along with them. (I'd love to come, thank you!)

When you extend the invite, you can let them know what you plan to serve. That way, it's out there, and if they need special accomodations for themselves or their kids, they can make/request them.

Have fun and don't stress. Everyone knows you are G&D. I think you could host a wine/cheese function that would be MAGNIFICENT! Then you wouldn't have to worry about cooking at all!

[Doug]

Find the closest fast food restaurant!

[smallstatic]

(Caveat that this stuff is prob. a little diff. in the states, etc. but here's goes anyway...)

1. When invited personally I ask what I can bring and offer things like side dish, dessert, wine, etc. If they say nothing, I bring wine or champagne if I'm feeling esp. foxy. The degree to which I bring a personal gift (like a housewarming sort of thing) for the host/ess depends on how well or how long I've known them. Better friends get better gifts if only because I'm more confident about my gift giving ideas with them.

2. I would reciprocate in kind, with a dinner party if that's what they had you over for. It doesn't have to be a formal sit down dinner - could be a bbq or something more relaxed - but I have a thing with the reciprocating event being equally as intimate. If you're trying to make friends with these folks, have them over for a smallish gathering, if that's what they had you over for. Also, I really wouldn't take them all out to dinner. It's too close to the line of "we're clearly spending a bunch of money on you" when the tab comes which might make some people feel funny. (ha - actually writing these opinions down is so wild. and i like to think i'm easy going! :)

3. Calling up, seeing them out and about and/or sending a little treat (depending on how lavish their party was) are all good options I'd say. The main point being that you just say thank you somehow. Mentioning the party and/or scheduling something new also let's the hostess know that you really did enjoy yourself. If the guest didn't, I think it's a polite way of saying never invite me again, to just not mention the event - ever.

4. I would invite some of the same, some new. People love getting introduced to new potential friends and connections. It also gives people things to talk about afterwards, scary as that sounds!

5. This is where any knowledge I'd profess to have about these things, drops off totally. The real socialites I think have more time than I to strategically plan guest lists - and from what I've seen of them, they totally do. You can tell when you're at a party that the host/ess has made a real effort to craft the guest list. The conversation is always just edgy enough to be interesting and the people 'new' and yet comfortable in some way. My aunt has a rule to always invite one or two 'strangers' to the rest of the party that she then takes care of for the evening. Sort of a guest of honor thing, and that serves to keep the night interesting in a way.

6. It's probably nice to do this, esp. if you haven't hosted these people before. It's caring and I think might make them feel like you want to get to know their needs for this meal and in the future too.

Hope this is helpful! Hostessing is stressful but almost always completely worth it!! :)

[DD]

Why not pay NATR a compliment by asking THEM what you should do? Explain that you would like to let this type of interaction become more than a once a year thing, but you don't really know how to back into the social swing.

I'm sure that they would be thrilled that you thought enough of your time together to ask them for advice.

[Carla Hinkle]

Definitely reciprocate with a BBQ/Braai and store-bought side dishes, and run a WINE TASTING!!! like Cricket said. I have done these before, so easy and fun. Buy 3-4 similar wines that you like, put them in paper bags labeled A, B, C, etc, pour round tastes and have people guess which one is most expensive, cheapest, which winery, etc etc. So much fun. And no one cares about the food, too busy drinking wine.

[Martine]

I'm going to go out on a limb here (my first response was that you should host a high end braai... shrimp and steak shiskabobs...split lobster tails on the grill...with tasty salads from a deli/retaurant...fresh bakery rolls)...but...I think you should learn how to cook (breath, breath). But learn how to cook the easy way. Don't try a fancy recipe with a laundry list of ingredients. Ask your friends (start with us...your interweb friends) for their favorite 5 ingredient recipes. You just need to get three or four great meals under your belt and you'll quickly find that cooking can be EASY and FUN! Seriously. I'm no gourmet, but I do like to look for simple, highly recommended recipes to try on my family (I've copied and pasted a bunch from Julia's site this week). Anyway, just my $.02. If your neighbors are anything like we are, they just like to get together, have a few glasses of wine and enjoy each other's company. The menu is SO secondary!
Have fun!
Martine

[tess]

glad that you had a fun time tee, but i have to know: did you only post on this topic so you had an excuse to use that cool icon??

1) a bottle of wine, flowers, or a cool gift is a nice thing to bring. don't come empty handed is a good rule of thumb. when invited, i always ask if there is anything i can bring.

2) if you really don't want to cook, maybe not a restaurant. why dont' you go to a deli or an upmarket grocers and get ready to eat stuff? or you can order indian and re-heat the curries, and the naan, and the samosas...indian food re-heats very nicely. moroccan food is another good option. you wouldn't be cooking you would be pressing buttons on a microwave. pretend it was new dvd player.

however, having said that there are foods (risotto, gumbo, anything with asperagus) that seem so tough to make and are dead easy. i have tonnes of swift, clever easy appetisers...email me.

3)of course if you see them you can talk about the evening and thank them. an email or call is always nice too, but these days it is not considered bad etiquette if you do not. particularly if you are returning the favour by having them over and if you brought a gift at the time you went to their house there is no need to send a gift. however...if during the evening they mention something that you can get or have(ie: like in hong kong you can't get gummy bears, and so after discussing them with hosts who also loved them one night at their place, i brought a little packet over to our hosts the next day) that can be cool too.

4. not necessarily. invite more if you wish, but have the new additions be people everyone will like. ie: the original three couples live nearby and have young children. it might make the new additions feel rather out of place if they were from the next county and had no children at all.

5. no. gone are the days when women couldn't sit beside each other.

6. yes, do ask about food allergies beforehand. that's a nice courtesy.

you don't have to make it a dinner. a brunch or wine tasting, those are two interesting variations.

xo

[cursingmama]

You’ve received a lot of good advice, but that isn’t going to stop me putting in my 25 cents (is that just an American expression?) Anyway, I love to host parties but don’t do it nearly often enough. I can get you through this from 1,000’s of miles away…it is so much easier than it appears.
1.) I believe in asking if you can bring something (but as a host/hostess the answer should always be “just your damn fine selves”) and then brining something like a bottle of wine or a floral arrangement or something for the host/hostess for the next day (like a basket of breakfast goodies).
2.) Reciprocating is a personal thing; a personal thing I believe in IF you all got along splendidly. If you didn’t get along having them over is just going to prolong the agony. Even with limited cooking skills you can have them over and serve a magnificent dinner – grilling good steaks, having a wonderful salad, a nice veggie, some excellent store bought bread and dessert – I bet Julia has tons of recipes that are great but easy she can offer too.
3.) I like to send a thank you card – no gift – to let them know I appreciated being included and that I had a wonderful time. And if you see them in the garden too, go ahead and thank them then too.
4.) This is a politically loaded question. If you had a fab time and the mix of couples/guests was good – sure. Just make sure the host/hostess from the last party are invited.
5.) Tricky deal. I try to make sure I’m not putting together people who have a lot of staunch opposing ideals that they like to voice loudly and frequently. Use your best judgment, you know who’ll get along and who won’t.
6.) If I don’t know, I ask. I always make sure my salad / veggie / bread is enough for a meal so that if someone doesn’t like the main course they’re covered – and if they don’t eat the main course I never call them out on it. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve been served fish (ewwwwww) and left hungry and humiliated because I was called out on my not eating of the main course.
You can totally do this – and do it successfully. Have Fun!

[jen]

God. I haven't been to a "dinner party" in such a long while. I am just not that organised, I have a new baby, and live in the sticks! And my husband and I are just too casual for that. We do, however, have people to dinner and go to other people's. "Dinner party" is just a bit too 'organised' for what we do. But I will try and help.

1. Bottle of wine, or chocolates or flowers - depending on the person. Or a G&D dessert. I started making bread so I have taken an unusual bread, too.

2. I'd go with the braai idea unless it's too cold. You can never go wrong with good steak and prawns, and you can buy all the salads. IMO Pizza is too casual to start with unless you want to do a Movie Night. I like the wine tasting evening idea best though :D - surely a good way to get to know your neighbours v v well! In the UK we have shops like Marks & Spencer and Waitrose, which do G&D pre-made food that has all the ingredients ready to throw together, even for non cooks. DOn't hide the packaging necessarily, and for sure show them a picture of your 'dead' kitchen by way of explanation - at least it would raise a laugh. Or learn to cook simple stuff. In our house we have a KILLER thai green curry recipe that is really v v simple, and tastes awesome... always a good one to do for guests. Buy an amazing dessert as the whole point of going out is to have something you wouldn't do at home. The main thing is not to be so anxious about the food that you get stressed and don't enjoy the night.

3. Saying thank you is fine if you bump into them regularly. I have been trained like Pavlov's dogs to write thankyous, so I'd probably drop a postcard through their door, but that's just me being an assh&le.

4. Not necessarily if you know someone else who you think would fit in well.

5. Don't invite people you know would get the 'core' people's backs up (ie your guests who had you to dinner).

6. I do, but that's cos my husband is veggie and we've come a-cropper at dinners where they didn't ask and i forgot to tell them. And my sister's partner is everything-intolerant (in his case I tell him to bring something he can eat but hey, i told you i am an asshole! And i can never find anything for him that he'd eat!)

Most important thing is to enjoy yourselves. Get that wine flowing and enjoy the remnants of the summer.

[j]

How about inviting them over for a casual barbecue type thing? I bet you can do that? Make a big salad (or buy a big salad), throw some steaks on the grill, or do some kind of buffet thing. Then you can have a variety of foods that will satisfy any vegetarians, etc.

Or I have a great lasagna recipe. Lasagna is great because you can make it a week ahead and freeze it, and then just pop it in the oven the day of the party. You don't have to be cooking when you have guests, and because you make it ahead of time, you know ahead of time if you've screwed up, and need to do it over. You get great bread and a nice salad to go with it, a nice bottle of red wine, and you're done. It is a cooler weather food, and it is still hot there, right? But you don't have to reciprocate immediately, anyway.

[Judy]

1. Always offer to bring something. In my case, my standard hostess gift is a loaf of banana bread or zucchini bread or muffins for the morning after. A nice breakfast after a lovely evening!

2. I vote for the wine-tasting event at your house. Or, do ready-made. My mom (a preacher's wife) has had to host many a dinner party, and I cannot tell you how many times I've helped her put the ready-made stuff in our own dishes - hey, whatever works!

3. The next time you see them, make a point to let them know what a wonderful time you had and how great it was to all get together like that. Then, perhaps mention that you would like to do something like that, too - do they have any suggestions?

4. Could you invite other people? Certainly! It is your party! If you are good friends with everyone who was there, definitely invite them. If there were people there who you didn't know, won't be seeing on your own anytime soon, then there is no need to extend an invitation to them just because you are inviting the host from the dinner party you both attended.

5. I don't think it really matters who you invite, as long as you enjoy everyone's company (and no one is bitter enemies or such!)

6. Definitely ask if there are any medical issues that you need to be aware of!

[Jan]

What everyone else has said. And yes, part of your charm is not being domestic but I have to ask -- it seems almost at a phobic level. Have you considered taking a few cooking classes, just to ease your anxiety? Doesn't mean you have to start cooking, but in a real pinch (like, of course, a blizzard snow storm in South Africa) you can manage some things or at least know that you can? :-)

[paola]

THEIR PARTY
Offer to bring something. Take wine if not. Chocolates for after dinner always go down well in this house.

I like to send a little handwritten thank you note. Not obligatory, but I love receiving them and always try to send one.

YOUR PARTY
Wine tasting with cheese platter sounds fab as does bbq/braai.

Or else buy a fondue set and have either a cheese or meat fondue - that way your guests cook for themselves AND DON'T EVEN NOTICE.

Learn to roast a chicken. Rub a chicken in butter and seasoning and put it in the oven (Internet will provide timings). When it's ready throw a glass of wine(any colour) or port or madeira into the pan juices and bubble them down to make gravy.

At the same time make put lots of roughly chopped vegetables in a roasting dish - any combination of potatoes, carrots, parsnips, sweet potatoes, tomatoes, aubergine (eggplant), courgettes (zucchini) etc. stir in some lazy garlic, olive oil and thyme and roast for the same amount of time as the chicken (or until soft and not burnt). Easy peasy lemon squeezy...

Cheese and fruit or icecream or store bought patisserie very acceptable for dessert. Parma ham and melon, avocado vinaigrette, smoked salmon or pate easy for a starter.

Mix people who know each other with maybe another couple who know you well and you think they'll get on with. That way you don't end up having the same conversation twice.

Let us know what happens!

Pxx

[Elizabeth]

Maybe my take is a little different but we are always having people over for little "dinner" parties. I am not the world's greatest cook by any stretch but I like to socialize. However, deep breath, I always seem to find people who say they can't cook. It's not about the food, it's about finding friends and having a good time. One of the best times I ever had was when one of our now closest friends invited us over for grilled cheese and tinned soup. We played games and laughed for hours. It's not the food - it's about sharing the G&D part of you that we all love. Bring in salads, have braii and ice cream sundaes for dessert, invite another couple as well as the original two and show them a G&D time.

The sharing of ourselves and the generousity of spirit far outweigh cooking abilities.

Enjoy!

[katie]

This kind of thing is HUGELY cultural - I found it quite different in the US when I lived there to the UK - so I won't attempt to advise you on S. African etiquette!

But having moved from The Big City to a small town (well, it's technically a city too) I find I too have moved into the world of Reciprocal Dinner Parties. But we aren't doing very well at them... we've invited back one couple, but haven't managed to find a date to invite another couple, which is complicated by the fact that they live an hour away... and would rather stay over... and the second couple we invited with the first couple haven't invited us back... but they are quite young, and haven't got much money, and are planning their wedding, so are they in the category of people we take pity on...

It's so complicated!

[jenny]

1. Offer to bring something. If they decline, bring flowers or wine.

2. It is perfectly acceptable to take your friends out for a meal but that might be raising the bar too high on the get togethers. I like somebody else's idea of a wine/cheese thing or just a casual b-b-q.

3. I think just saying thankyou over the garden is fine.

4. I would invite the same people for sure, but add on if you think there would be some good additions to the party.

5. Just make sure that the people invited have something in common.

6. I expect people to tell me if they have food limitations

Be honest about not being a great cook. Nobody will care and it will take the presure of of you. What about a potluck - they can be a ton of fun. A potluck b-b-q where you provide the meat and everybody else brings the sides/desert. Oh how nice that would be in the warm African sun (can you tell I live in Canada and haven't had b-b-q in 5 months?)

[Jessie]

I am delurking after being a long time reader. To hear you even mention gluten intolerance is such an amazing thing to me! In America, most people are unaware what gluten even is and how many foods it is in. Our 3 year old son has Celiac Disease and cannot tolerate gluten in any form (even topically). I've heard rumors that other contries actually have gluten listed clearly on food labels. And you speaking of it makes me wonder if it's true. Amazing! Lame thing to be obsessed about but still...Wow!

[Egg Donor]

I wanted to answer #3: Paula said she sends a thank you note, but it's not obligatory. It *IS* obligatory. It is unacceptable to not send a thank you note. I am like a 70 year-old aunt with people about things like this. At some point people started deciding that since the person doing the nice thing or giving the gift are friends that no thank you note was necessary. Pffffph. It IS necessary.

PEOPLE!!! START SENDING THANK YOU NOTES!!! WHERE WERE YOU RAISED?! IN A CAVE?!!!

I mourn the decline of basic thank you note etiquette. It is not "very formal" like one of the commenters said. It probably just seems that way to people who never learned to do the right thing. However, emailed notes count, so if you feel silly writing one, you could email. But for godssake, all of you, send them!

Ok, as for the others...1) You don't need to offer to bring anything, but you should bring some gift (wine is good - flowers are good) for the hostess. Definitely don't insist on bringing a dish or something. I love cooking at my parties, and I don't want people messing up my intricately planned dinner with their noodle salad. It really bothers me when they keep insisting that they are bringing something. So go with the wine :) 2) I think it is absolutely fine to invite them to dinner. If you don't cook, don't make it hard on yourself.

Good luck, darling. :)

[Adi V.]

Ah, my poor darling! You really have no idea what you've gotten yourself into, do you?

My first and best advice would be to ASK THE MOTHERS (yours and Marko's) about this because while there are a few things that are almost always a nice touch (hostess ALWAYS says to bring nothing, guests bringing wine or flowers or some such) there are many more local variations to all the other things you asked us about.

That being said I'll break down and tell you what I know about how these things go down where I grew up and the reasons I was told for why thing were how they were.

Bringing a hostess gift was a polite way to say 'thank you for the invitation' while the 'thank you for such a wonderful evening' thing was said both on your way out and again the next day.

While a hostess gift that could be consumed that night was fine, offering to bring any food course specifically for the dinner was a no-go. A good hostess will always say no, but if the dinner was a formal and/or non-family type thing then making such an offer could be considered an expression of doubt in the ability of the hostess to properly entertain her guests.

However, in the case of informal family type shindigs asking what you should bring would imply that 'all is still cozy between us and I don't want you to think that I am some stranger you must wait on all night.'

Now for the Unless that trumps all other Unlesses: The Potluck.

In the event of a potluck there is no 'real host.' There is 'the person at whose house everyone eats' who would almost always serve as the coordinator, but the whole thing is so damned informal that there is no need to bring a hostess gift and hence there is no hostess.

Instead of bringing a gift, make as much of a bee-line as possible for where ever the spread is being laid out (you will almost certainly find the coordinator there) and greet the coordinator either before greeting everyone else or with more warmth than you have shown thus far (this will not be a slight to anyone there because your hands will be full until then.) First Greeting will serve as the initial 'thanks for having me' which is all a hostess gift is anyway.

If the coordinator is not 'the person at whose house everyone eats' then Second Greeting goes to that person. After First & Second Greetings it is time to mingle for the next few hours.

Do not bring more than two dishes unless asked to do so by the coordinator.

Greet everyone at least once and ask the coordinator if they need any help BUT phrase it in such a way as to not put their coordinating abilities in any doubt.

If the spread will be laid out outdoors ask the coordinator ahead of time how much shade will be available so that you will know if you should avoid bringing anything with a 'picnic shelf-life' of less than 5hrs.

Keep in mind that being asked to bring food to a potluck means that you are now only a step away from being part of the family and after two or more potlucks anyone who also brought food can now ask you if they should bring anything to any non-formal event you may host in the future if the two of you live in the same town.

:-) Confusing ain't it?

Adi V.
You are now prepared to eat with my family.

[kerry]

I see most people have responded rather well to your questions...
I will attack this from a more pragmatic angle:
1.
Don't get into the habit of asking the same couples veery dinner party (yawn eventually, no matter how stunning they are or how much you can't live without them...) It becomes a political nightmare and then you feel obligated etc which is tricky when you have "X" number of chairs around your dinner table and would love to invite a thrilling new couple you've just met etc...
2.
Can Rose cook? If not, one or both of you might like to consider a dinner party course....?
3.
HAHAHAHAHA: Cheater's delight:
Now as an ex-pat you'll have to forgive me if my points of reference are a little off, BUT, here's what I did when I was totally desperate:
A) Find a place with home made goodies( Tygervalley centre?) stock up on a whole bunch of merangues, melt bar ones with a small amount of cream so it doesn't burn, mix cream + vanilla essence together till thick."Glue " merangues together into a spectacular heap on a plate, drizzle choc sauce on top. VOILA!!!
Ok, that's dessert, you could of course buy a home made cake and pretend too...
Clearly dessert is my priority!!
B) Braai: Hullo MARKO this is your dept!! Just serve a soup before hand, couple of salads, scalloped potatoes etc and you're away!
C)Some of the BEST THINGS are made by Woolies or somebody else and served on your fabulous platters! So, find a good "resource"( Woolies can be a bit of a giveaway and a little dull for the guests?)My sister + brother are in catering, I know they'll sometimes makes extra for friends/ people in your situation and drop it off. Always great to have in the freezer, then you can defrost and say casually" oh just come over to our place around ... tonight", even if it's only 2 hours away. Love microwave's that can defrost beautifully!!! Just think of how you'll impress them with THAT meal, and you'll have showered, and been sipping gently away for at least half an hour while they glance out tehir windows, wondering"HOW does she do it?!"
D)You read well, ANYBODY can follow a few steps in a recipe, I promise!!Now, go and buy some Ina Paarman cook books, they're simple and very hard to mess up with... and you've got all her stuff in stores as well...
E)Ply all guests that drink with good wine...
good luck and most importantly, they're coming over for your company, not really the food.
hope this helps?!
k.

[kerry]

now can you help ME with my reckless disregard for spelling or proof reading ????

[Alexa]

You have already gotten vast amounts of excellent advice, but I wanted to comment anyway to tell you I am absolutely smitten (SMITTEN!) with your new design, esp. the banner (who did it?).
And I vote for a wine tasting, because mmmm....wine...

[blackbird]

I love that you asked these questions as K and I have many dinner parties -- I much prefer them to going out to an overpriced restaurant --
and these are all important questions!

I think it is perfectly reasonable to invite them for any kind of take away food you like (or they like!) have people been chatting about a particular place? Order some food -- or have lots of cheese and wine and fruit and pastries...or a barbecue - anything would do nicely. And yes you should reciprocate if these are people you'd like to be social with in the future. But I don't think you need to invite them to a restaurant.

What to bring to a dinner party?
A small box of chocolates, a scented candle, some beautiful soaps or flowers. Wine is always good to.

After, I think it is important to say that you had a swell time and thanks...if you see them in the garden, that will do, but it needs to be the next day...so few people say thank you afterwards...it's really a shame.

I would invite the same people that were at the first gathering and I don't think there are any particular rules for mixing people. (Although I would say that it can be dicey if people have very different lifestyles -- but you won't know that about people until after!)

When I call to invite new people I ask if there are any food preferences that I should be aware of, but I don't make too big a deal of it.

gosh -- I'm a regular Martha over here!

[Louise M]

For your next project, take the plunge and register yourself for a basic cooking class. You will be amazed how easy cooking actually is. Just think, homemade chocolate chip cookies, I can smell them now. Check out a community college (if you have such a thing in CT)

I am all for the barbeque. Make use of the backyard and the playground that Marko built. Some appies of nachos & salsa, shrimp & sauce, veggies & dip, followed by barbequed chicken breast with baked potatoes, salad, and dinner rolls. Pick-up ice cream and fruit for dessert, your set! Easy as 1,2,3. Oh yeah, some nice white wine to go with it, maybe beer for the men if they aren't wine drinkers.

Or you can always hire a caterer to do the whole thing....

[monkey]

1. Usually take a bottle of wine, flowers or a box of chocolates. It really depends who who has invited us. If they are very close friends, the male in my life may take a bottle of whisky over. Also it depends on the occastion. If I know I am going to have the time I will ask if they want me to do anything.

2. However you want. I think it would be ok to take them to a restaurant. It would also be nice to have them over for a brai. How about a wine tasting with Cheese night? I personally wouldn't invite them over for a ready made meal, more to do with the fact that I think they should be abolished off the face of the planet than anything else. How about a curry night or curry and a sports night, if there's a big live match on the tv(and if the women like sports). Lunch on the weekend would be easier, you could do a huge salad, cold cuts and some nibbles, or something a long the lines of Californian Wraps. Dead simple, but delicious.

3. Personally I would, Call and say thank you, or send a card. It is always lovely to recieve snail mail :D

4. No, you can invite who you wants, friends from work, friends from the nieghbourhood, adds interest and people would get to see new faces.

5. Invite who you would like to invite, but if there's people you know who don't get a long perhaps miss them off the list. However, in this day and age you'd hope people would be mature enough to deal with it

6. Yes Always, just ask if there's anything they don't eat :)

[Jenn]

1. I usually ask if I can bring anything. If they say no I just bring wine.

2. Do you watch the Oscars? They're on March 5th and you could have them over for that. Dinner's not required -- just pick up a bunch of appies and you are set.

3. I just eithercall or email a thank you. Or if they were neighbours I would just say hi over the fence.

4. I think you only have to invite the hosts.

5. I just try and find compatible people.

6. I always ask if anyone has any food allergies/intolerances. Just makes it easier!

[eve]

1. When invited to a dinner party, what does one bring with? A bottle of wine or an appetizer or a dessert. I always check ahead on the food stuff though - some hostesses like the extra help, others have the whole dinner set up themselves.

2. How do I reciprocate? What should I do? I think it's OK to invite everyone out to dinner, but if everyone has little ones, maybe it's easier to do it at a residence? No hassles about babysitters or high-chairs or whatever. I think it's fine to do a catered dinner (who cares if you can't cook - everyone really just wants to get together to be with each other), or host a potluck where you make a simple main course and others bring sides or whatever. Or no big meal, just heavy appetizers.

3. What is the correct behaviour afterwards? Do I call to say thank you? Is it ok if I see them in their garden the next day and thank them then? Do I need to send a little gift? I'd say thank you if I saw them, or send a card if I didn't.

4. When you host the dinner party, should you invite the same people at the original party? If you had fun with all of them! And maybe another couple to enlarge the group, though I wouldn't say that's 'necessary.'

5. Are there any particular rules regarding the mix of guests at these events? I don't think so.

6. Do you need to ask before hand if there are any vegans or lactose / gluten / pizza intolerant people on the guest list? I'd mention to each person, "I'm thinking about serving ..., would that be ok?" or "Are you or ... allergic to anything?" Usually, if someone has an extreme food issue like the above, they'll mention it and volunteer to bring something they can eat.

Good luck and have fun!!:)

[Calamity]

What an amazing group of commentors you collect- they all cook brilliantly it seems! Except me, and I'm going through this exact same thing! My friends are all wonderful cooks and have invited us over. I am at wit's end trying to reciprocate, too. Learning to cook seems a bit extreme just to show someone you enjoyed their company, but I love the idea of a BBQ. Now if only it would get warmer so we could re-do the sod which turned into a dust bowl last year... Good luck, Tertia! Go for the wine/braai party.

[Kel]

Wonderful responses so far and so many good ideas.

I want only to add that I think pizza, while very casual, can be done creatively. While in vet medical school we'd do dinners with another couple (the he and me were not students, our partners were) that were "make your own pizza" parties. None of us had much time and it was about getting together with folks as much as the food stuff.

Get pre-made dough (we'd get personal sized pizza dough and everyone would make a pizza, but we'd all eat everyone's creations), slice up a bunch of veggies and buy other possible toppings and let the wine/beer pour. After the first one, they went out and got a cook book specific to high toned pizza making, which made it even more fun (even when they didn't turn out to be "good").

Its so easy for conversations to be had while everyone is piling on the goodies. Clean up is very easy.

Yeah, you gotta send the thank you card. Gotta.

Kel

[Liz]

Since you and your neighbors all have kids, it will be a lot easier if you have the dinner at home. (Were the kids invited too?) And it's more intimate having a party at a home.
Anyway, if cooking is out of question, you can cater. There is no shame in it. I cater all the time for a large party. There is no way I'm cooking for 10 people, even though I can cook. There are just too much stress when cooking for a large party.

[RainbowW]

just answer the door naked. you will be so stunningly beautiful that the'll forget your awful cooking.

[Leslie]

I likey the wine tasting idea! Perfect for you! Also, nothing wrong with a catered dinner or take-out from a restaurant.

I belong to a group that gets together regularly for dinner. The others always bring wine and a small gift for the hostess. Flowers, a candle, a serving dish, fancy bottled water, something like that.

If it is an informal dinner, I think an e-mail or phone call is a nice way to say thank you.

Enjoy your new social life!

[Nicole]

I like Cricket's idea of hosting a wine tasting (provided your neighbors drink). It could be nice and simple - lots of easy appetizers and wine, maybe serve a dinner salad (e.g. throw in some shrimp and stuff) and serve a nice store-bought cake with a nice port for dessert.

As for bringing something, always offer, and go with wine or flowers if they say no. Also, when you arrive it is also nice to offer to assist the hostess (I'm typically running late and can always use a bit of help serving.) A thank you is necessary, but it needn't be formal. Invite whomever you'd like, it doesn't have to be the same group. As for allergies, you can take a hint from the first dinner party - did they serve meat, dairy, wheat, wine, etc, if so then you know that is ok. The only time I might ask ahead is if I'm serving a highly allergenic main course like shellfish or peanut sauce, etc.

Otherwise, just enjoyself. Personally I think these things are more fun when they are casual and relaxed - so just be yourself and I'm sure whatever you do will go great!

[Christine]

We just went to a wine and sheese tasting party that was fun. Easy, too. Have many different pairings or wine and cheese. I think bringing food in is a great idea. We'll be throwing a party in the same way in the next couple of months. If you need to make something and can't cook, make a spectacular drink.

We always bring something to a get-together, usually wine. If we know that alcohol isn't appropriate, then we bringing something from the gourmet shop, flavored or imported dipping oil, etc.

The important part is to have fun and enjoy the company of others. I can't wait to read how it all goes!

[Lisa]

I LOVE having dinner parties. I threw a giant party two weeks ago for 15 people- and cooked for all of them. (It took eight hours actually, hehe.)

Here are my answers to your questions:

1. Generally wine is the appropriate thing to bring, or dessert. You never know if they're planning dessert, so best to ask first. Flowers are also nice, but not required. When people bring me flowers I am very flattered and impressed with their manners. (It's kind of something to do every once in awhile- you don't have to bring flowers EVERY time but if it's a housewarming, or a birthday, it's nice.)

2. I think it's better to invite them to your home, rather than to a restaurant, as it's more personal. It is totally acceptable to buy pre-made food, as long as it's somewhat formal (ie not pizza, unless you're going for a very casual gathering). But if you feel adventurous, you could go to www.foodnetwork.com and find an easy recipe that would feed a bunch of people.

3. Since a dinner party is a casual gathering, I think it's good to mention how good the food was, or what a nice time you had, the next time you see or talk to them. No gift is necessary.

4 + 5. I like to mix it up. You can invite friend/relatives/co-workers- anyone whom you think you'd have fun with and whom you think would get along. I also like include people who maybe are new to town or don't have a lot of friends so that they can meet new people.

6. It is polite to ask beforehand about guests' food quirks. For example, if one guest is vegetarian, you want to make sure they'll have something to eat.

I hope this helped! If you want some recipe ideas, feel free to email me. I love to cook and can give you some tips.

[Jill]

If you are convinced that you really, really can't cook, there are probably some small-ish caterers or personal chef types that you could hire for rather cheap.

I, personally, don't believe that there are people who can't cook. Now, you probably can't cook and take care of the babes, but you can cook. Start small, get a timer that you can wear around your neck, and you'll be fine.

There's a trend going around in the states of a Supper Club. It's kind of like apotluck except you all meet at one person's house with ingredients, and you all cook together. Can be tricky if not well planned, but do you know NATR well enough to ask her to show you a few things in the kitchen?

j

[Kimberly]

Hi Tertia

Hire a personal chef and/or one "helper" for serving/cleanup. I, too cannot cook. Had a family birthday party for my husband and invited his whole family. Even with the familial air, I cannot stand my inlaws, they make me very tense. I knew I could not keep everyone's glasses filled, prepare, serve, etc and still be relaxed and charming. I let the chef suggest the menu, a good one can go as simple as you like or as elegant. Then relax for theh evening! It really is not as expensive as one might think.....

Good Luck!

Kimberly

[victoria]

1. Wine is fine.
2. The vegans & lactose intolerant have to watch out for themselves. It's their responsibility to alert you.
3. That pasta recipe Julia posted is foolproof. If you can boil water and set a timer you can't miss. Or you could explain you don't cook at all, and order in. Maybe something from a semi-posh restaurant?

[Foster]

ABOUT THE WINE: Does everyone really like wine this much?? Am I and my husband the only two adults on the planet who do not like wine, would *never* bring it to dinner anywhere, and really REALLY prefer it if our guests also never brought it? I just cannot believe that so many ppl actually like it!!! And if someone brought it, Id have to drink it, or feel v v rude!! Yuck!

[Claire]

You seem to be a fairly casual couple ... what about some pizza and drinks on a Friday night after work? It's still warm there (I think?) ... what about out on the veranda. We quite often do this and while we don't have children of our own it tends to take the stress of our friends that do. Don't have to worry about the kids tearing (crawling heh) around and disrupting anything too formal and their outside so they can make all the mess they like with pizza. Well, anywho, that's what we get up to in Aus. on summer nights :)

[Claire]

... not to mention the fact that you can booze outside and be quite sloppy yourself hehehehe

[Mary]

I don't know that it matters as much what you do as much as that you do something. I am a pretty good cook and enjoy having my friends over. They come and have fun, and NEVER, NEVER reciprocate. We're talking more than ten years since they moved, and my husband has never seen the inside of their new house. The excuse is that they don't cook. I would be thrilled with pizza, takeout, whatever, the point of the evening is to see each other and have fun. I think the idea of a wine and hors d'oeuvres party is an excellent one.

[Adi V.]

Oh. Forgot to tell you about my Gramma's Three Thanks Rule. It explains the reason for the custom of the thank you note/card.

The first thank you is covered by the hostess gift or First Greeting.
The second thank you is the one you give on your way out the door.
The third is the one you give the next day. The reason that the third thanks is traditionally in the form of a note/card is that in the days before cars & other fast transport dinner parties often meant staying the night and third thanks is to be expressed after you leave the host is no longer your host. Ideally it should be given the morning after but if you must travel half a day between your house and your host's then it simply makes more sense to send a runner* (who would either sleep in the barn/stables) than to keep going back to give the thanks in person. Now, because the note was actually a substitute for expressing your thanks in person it is NOT a must to send one if you live across the street from your dinner host. In person thanks would be the preferred way if it is possible.

My Gramma and her parents grew up in rural farmland where the time frame for third thanks could be stretched (especially in the winter and at harvest time) until the first Sunday following.

*The whole runner thing assumes that both host and guest own their own estates. Remember that anything the rich do will become something that the middle class aims for, even if the original reason for doing it was because of long travel times that the middle class isn't encumbered by.

Adi V.

[Laura(southernxyl)]

It's fine to have something catered, or whatever. Stauffer's frozen lasagna is terrific and I wouldn't be embarrassed to serve it to anyone.

But of course you can cook. A smart woman like you. Get a cookbook and try a couple of things. Or ask us for easy recipes. I had my family over for Christmas one year and fed beef stew to 12 people. I started it at 8:30 and threw things in through the morning, and by the time they arrived just after noon it was finished. No one could believe how good it was. Asked for seconds. And if I told you how easy it was, you wouldn't believe me.

[Dani]

Okay... you already have like 60 replies but I'll take a crack at this anyway seeing as I'm not much of a domestic myself, but still manage to entertain for birthdays and such.

First off, I'm dying to know; WTF do you and Marko eat if you don't cook at all? And how are you getting the babes into table food if there isn't any food on the table??? Darling, those children aren't going to eat biltong (sp?) and licorice forever. You are going to have to start cooking at some point. (I say that with love, of course!)

On to your concerns:
1.Everyone gave good advice on this one already. Another option is a non-consumable, but party-related gift. My two favorites are wine glass charms and cutesy cheese spreaders/knives. You can also combine the idea of food and gift by bringing an appetizer or dessert on a decorative platter that the host/ess can keep.
2.The wine tasting idea sounds very nice, but a little taxing on a person that doesn't entertain regularly. How about just inviting them for wine after dinner (for the local people)? That way, they've already eaten and you can just do dessert or cheese and crackers. If you feel like doing dinner, how about Chinese food? (Do you have that in SA?) You can get and assortment of goodies and present it all on your favorite platters and in your prettiest bowls. You don't have to do for them, exactly what they did for you. Everyone's idea of entertaining is different. The important part is having them over.
3.A thank you card would be great. So few people send them now, that it's even more special to receive one. A cool idea that you may want to use for a future thank you (Because you really need to do this the next morning. I think it's too late in this case.)... You can drop off breakfast goodies at their front door in the morning. A basket of bagels with some yummy spreads are always appreciated after a late night of entertaining. Just ring the bell and leave the basket with a note.
4.I wouldn't feel obligated to invite everyone from the first get together. Obviously, the ones who hosted the party and your close neighbours would be the minimum. If you really clicked with the others and would like to continue a friendship, then go for it.
5.If you are going to do this, I'd use it as an opportunity to invite over another couple or two that you've been meaning to get together with. Kill two birds with one stone. Maybe a couple from your job and a couple from Marko's? That is, of course, if you think they would blend well together.
6.Please ask about food issues. You have no idea how bad i cringe when I'm invited to eat anywhere. I'm deathly allergic to onions. (Yes, I know... it's a really effed up thing to be allergic to!) Everyone cooks with onions, onion power, scallions, etc.. And all premade and prepackaged foods have them in there, too. I find it very hard to find the right way to mention it to the host/ess without feeling like I'm imposing and they have to cook something special for me. I have gone to parties and not been able to eat anything but a green salad. There were also times where there wasn't even a dressing that I could put on that salad because they all contained onions of some form! It is so much easier for the host to say, "Do you or your wife/husband/kids have any food allergies that I should know of before I plan the menu?" than for the person being invited to say, "By the way, forget everything you had in mind for food, because I'm allergic to freaking everything.".

Have fun with this. Don't stress. If you're stressing, then you're trying too hard. It also means you're trying to be someone that you're not. I can't wait to hear what you decide to do.

Smooches.

(Foster - DH and I don't drink wine either. We feel like outcasts! LOL!)

[paola]

For Jessie

Yes, food in the UK is labelled to show common food intolerancies and allegens such as gluten and nuts. Which means you get idiotic things like bags of nuts labelled 'this product may contain nuts'...

Pxx

[Janine]

T - go to Woolies. They have so many 'pop in the oven' meals that you could pass off as yr own. And even if you don't want to lie about it, they taste divine, so no one would care.
Or I bet Bee would know of a 'home-cooked meal' take-out place in yr area.
Sorry wasn't around for the whole bitchiness debacle - horrid muriel. PC at home still in the shop. We're hoping our friend hasn't made off with our money, never to be seen again...

[Suzie-Q.]

DEFINITLY NO THANK YOU CARD FOR A CASUAL GET TOGETHER OF NEIGHBORS!!!!!!! She will think you are a fag (!) and be pissed that she will now have to send one back to you when you invite her!!! :)
(Unless of course she served you Chateaubriand and a 1959 Mouton-Rothschild!!!!! hmmmm, you didn't say... did she? lucky you!).
Always ask if you can bring something and then use the wine bottle as a default always.
Have a b-b-q... it's easy-peasy and the guys will cook while you get to gossip and drink and can serve prepared salads.
Just make sure to have EXCELLENT wine and an awesome looking/tasting dessert to impress with!
BTW... am i invited??????????????????????????????
Am free any time....!!!!
xoxo
S.

[Trolley Molly]

It's all about the company, not the food. You can reciprocate in any number of ways, including having an afternoon picnic in your back yard, with Rose or someone watching the kids in the wading pool, while the grownups drink beer and eat grilled meat or even takeaway.

[Margot]

You hate to cook, and you don't seem poor, so how about a little cocktail party?

Or just afternoon tea, with scones from the shop. Even non-cooks can spread the jam and cream and make the tea.

Margot

[Alex]

I haven't read all the other comments so others may already have covered this, but the etiquette rule I was taught for items 4/5 is this: you reciprocate by inviting your original hosts. Your other responsibility is to create a good/interesting mix of people which may mean you need more than just the original hosts, but better to bring in new people than to invite all the same people you met/saw at the original event.

However, a related (but distinct) rule is that if you want to get to know a person or couple you met at the original event better, and decide to invite them over, you also include the original hosts at the first meeting. As I understand it, the point of this is to, in effect, thank the original hosts or, seen from a more negative angle, to avoid being a blatant mooch/social climber. As I understand it, once the first gathering initiated by the new hosts (the original guests) is accomplished, then you are free to get together with the new folks on your own.

Wow. Could that have been more confusing? So it goes like this...

If A invites B, C, and D over and B and C meet for the first time...

B should invite A over later at some time to reciprocate with or without C and D.

If B wants to get to know C better, B can invite C over but should also include A the first time B hosts C. After that B and C can meet on their own.

Did that help?