So Close

Marko – getting chattier

The scene: I am in my study, writing, Marko is in the lounge, busy rerecording the neighbour’s home movies from VCR to DVD. We are supposed to go to a BBQ later on that day, weather dependant. I’ve just put the kids down for their nap but they are playing in their cot, not sleeping.

[08:50:33 AM] Marko says: Asshole!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[08:50:44 AM] Tertia says: asshole back at you

[08:51:12 AM] Marko says: You are an asshole, but a nice asshole

[08:51:29 AM] Tertia says: thank you my darling, if i am going to be an asshole then i would like to be a nice one

[08:51:56 AM] Marko says: Find out what is happening about this braai (BBQ) today

[08:52:03 AM] Tertia says: i will find out in a while

[08:53:14 AM] Tertia says: little fuckers wont sleep

[08:53:46 AM] Marko says: Too much excitement before the time

[08:53:52 AM] Tertia says: perhaps

[09:00:22 AM] Tertia says: must the sound be on? it is v distracting

[09:00:31 AM] Tertia says: what bloody music is playing any way?

[09:01:01 AM] Marko says: I can't put the sound off, otherwise it records without sound. Very irritating

[09:01:14 AM] Tertia says: what a nightmare

[09:01:38 AM] Marko says: I am sitting right next to it!!!

[09:01:55 AM] Tertia says: it is so distracting

[09:02:21 AM] Marko says: Not like you need to concentrate!!!

[09:02:29 AM] Tertia says: i am writing you asshole

[09:02:34 AM] Tertia says: of course i need to concentrate

[09:02:39 AM] Tertia says: do you think i am sitting here playing?

[09:03:09 AM] Marko says: Yes, looking at porn on the Net

[09:03:23 AM] Tertia says: lol, you WISH!

[09:03:25 AM] Tertia says: When I'm on a computer that I don't wanna install anything on, I use meebo (www.meebo.com). It doesn't let you log in to skype I don't think but I think it supports every other chat client I can think of (which is almost certainly very different from every chat client out there:p). Then Marko can't let the lack of chat client be the excuse for lack of funny chats! :)

[09:03:32 AM] Tertia says: that was an email from a blog reader

[09:03:35 AM] Tertia says: check it out please

[09:05:51 AM] Marko says: Why meebo, i have skype now!

[09:06:39 AM] Tertia says: i want to be able to chat to you at work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See, he keeps quiet when I try and make him do things. Notice the time delay. Fucker.

[09:17:47 AM] Tertia says: ASSHOLE

[09:17:58 AM] Marko says: dickhead

[09:18:21 AM] Tertia says: penisbrain

[09:18:33 AM] Marko says: PUSSFACE

[09:18:58 AM] Tertia says: thats rude

[09:19:17 AM] Marko says: I know, but it stopped you

[09:19:21 AM] Tertia says: lol

[09:39:32 AM] Marko says: OK, What is for lunch then?

[09:41:15 AM] Tertia says: what is for lunch???

[09:41:20 AM] Tertia says: what the hell do you mean “what is for lunch”?

[09:41:46 AM] Marko says: If we are not going to braai, what are we going to do?

[09:42:50 AM] Tertia says: well, we can go to the mall

[09:42:54 AM] Tertia says: what do you want to do?

[09:43:08 AM] Tertia says: i have to buy a iron today and i want to try and have adam's hair cut

[09:43:11 AM] Marko says: We can go.

[09:43:17 AM] Tertia says: k

[09:44:00 AM] Marko says: Asshole

[09:44:10 AM] Tertia says: asshole

Things are definitely improving, he is positively chatty!

Blog whoring

Ok, let me completely upfront about this. I am about to flagrantly whore myself. Turn tricks, stand on the street corner. Can I go any lower? Probably, don’t dare me.

I’ve decided to step up the ante and get a little more professional about my blog. As you might, or might not have noticed, I have registered my own domain name, www.tertia.org, which links directly to my blog. I have also upgraded my Typepad account. Damn that exchange rate!!

I am doing this in preparation for the launch of my book. Having to give people the long typepad.com forward slash blah blah fishpaste is too clunky and takes too long. And if I am going to send people here I want it at least to look a little more personal, unique. The look and feel I have is the standard Typepad template.

And soooo, I am in search of a blog redesign. I need to make things a little sexier around here. Nothing major, but at least a banner or two. Perhaps a little font here or a little layout there.

And this is where the whoring part comes in. I am absolutely, totally uncreative. I need your help. If there is any one out there who is creative, who has the know-how and more importantly the time to help me with a blog redesign, please would you let me know. I am sure it is not a huge big thing, I hope it isn’t. I just don’t have a clue where to start.

So dear assholes, is there anyone out there who is willing to fall for my whoring ways? I’ll be your best friend forever and say lots of wonderful things about you.

Oh, and any suggestions re the theme / look and feel welcome.

Giving up – When is enough enough?

I found this old post I had written, before I was pregnant with the babes.  I wanted to post it again, for all of those still trying.

A question that is often asked by infertiles to themselves, and to others is “How you do know when it is time to give up?” Usually the person asking is in a really painful and desperate place.

It’s such an individual decision. There is no magic number of years trying, or IVF cycles, or losses. Each person has their own pain threshold, what might be bearable for some will be way too much for others.

I recently heard of an interesting study where infertile women were offered as many free IVF cycles as they could handle in order to conceive. Do you know what the average number of cycles underwent was before most people gave up? Three. Can you believe that? Three. After three cycles the average person said ‘enough. I can’t do this any more’. It was too painful for them to carry on.

I think most people would say they understand this perfectly, doing IVF is very very hard. It is hard on your relationship, your body, your health, you finances, but mostly it is hard on you emotionally, mentally. So going through all of that three times might seem too much for some. Now for me, this study was just unbelievable. Free cycles and they said ‘enough’? I pay for every thing out of my own pocket and I am busy with cycle number SIX (not including the 3 frozen IVF’s or the 3 IUI’s!). Am I crazy? No. Are they crazy? No.

How many cycles you are prepared to go through is not about how much you want it. People shouldn’t think this. It’s not about how badly you want a child, I think it is about what you are prepared to go through, what you are prepared to give up or suffer through in order to get a child. For some people the cost is too high. They are not prepared to risk their mental health, their emotional stability, their marriage etc in order to have a child.

I deeply envy those people who have come to the point in their lives where they say ‘enough’, where they make the decision to live childfree. They get off the clichéd roller coaster and get on with their lives, away from the invasiveness and all consuming cycles, hormonal drugs, needles, blood tests, hopes and disappointments. They go back to being normal. How wonderfully liberating. It must be like being let out of prison. It is a place of ‘acceptance’. I envy them. I really do.

Because I can’t give up. Even having been through all the pain I have been through, and living in this hell every day for the last almost five years, I still can’t give up. Why? Because giving up is scarier to me than carrying on, way way scarier. Giving up terrifies me. A childfree future is just not an option for me. Which means that I am never giving up, I wont. I can’t.

Am I brave or am I stupid? Is it perseverance or is it obsession? I don’t know. All I know is that I am not prepared to live my future childfree. And yes, I will do what it takes to get there. There are so many people in my life, not my family, because they know how important this is to me, but other people, who think I am obsessed, that I am crazy for doing this to myself, to put myself out there time and time again, only to have my soul destroyed and heart broken so often. They don’t understand my need or drive for a child. They say: ‘don’t you think you should give up now?’, ‘don’t you think that god/fate/nature is sending you a message?’.

And there in lies the rub. I am not prepared to buy into the belief that this is my lot in life, that this is my life plan. That I am not ‘meant’ to have a child. Bullshit. I am not going to accept that. I am not an observer in my life, I am a participant. I have control over my fate, because I have choices. I will have a child one day; it might not be in the way I expected. Hell, what am I saying, I expected to have a shag and end up pregnant, IVF is already an exercise in the absurd. So my child might come to me through donor eggs, adoption, whatever. The how is no longer important to me, the end result is.

I am not obsessed. I know I have come close to obsession, about three years ago, when it consumed my life, but now I am just determined. I will succeed, because the alternative is not an option to me. Making the decision to eliminate childfree as an option for me has brought incredible peace. Because I know, come what may, I will have a child. It makes the daily grind of infertility so much easier to deal with, because I know I will have a happy ending in my life story, even if I don’t know what version that happy ending will take.

To get back to the question of when is enough enough, I think the answer is when the pain of trying is worse than the pain of giving up. For me, the pain of stopping is way greater than the pain of trying.

Don’t let any one make you doubt yourself. Do what is right for you. If it takes 5, 10 or 20 IVF’s for you to come to the place in your life where you either achieve success, or where you say ‘enough’, then that is what it takes.

I know of a few people who almost feel embarrassed at the number of IVF’s they have done. They shouldn’t feel embarrassed. Going through this over and over is incredibly brave, it shows incredible determination and drive. Only you will know when enough is enough. And if you decide you can’t or won’t do this any more, then celebrate your decision as a very brave decision, and live your life to the fullest. We each can have our own version of a ‘happily ever after’, but it has to be the right version for you.

To all of you still trying, I send you all my love, and hope that you have the strength to make the decision that is right for you, whether it is choosing a different plan to your original one, or it is deciding to live childfree, or it is to do one more cycle.  Whatever decision you make, my wish is that it is a decision that feels right for you and is one that brings you peace.  Much love to all of you.

A note from one of the two mommies

Hello Everyone, it's one of the "two mommies" here. I wanted to write a personal note the first thank everyone for their excellent suggestions about names. My partner and I loved reading everyone's feedback and tossing around new and wonderful ideas for what our baby might call us. Unfortunately, as Tertia mentioned, last week I had a miscarriage. It has been a horrible week, but it finally feels like there just might...might... be light at the end of the tunnel. We've been grieving the loss of "Rooty-George" (the nickname we had given to our baby - odd I know, but it has special meaning) and have recently signed up for a city program that plants trees for babies who died at any age as well as babies who were born alive. Hopefully next summer we'll have a special place to visit and remember Rooty-George. Thank you also for the lovely comments I have read in this comment section. It is so helpful to know there are others out there who understand this pain and/or who sympathize and send healting and hopeful energy. I think we're going to try again in a few months and we're hopeful that since I achieved a pregnancy so soon with my partners egg (on the first attempt versus 11 failed attempts with my own eggs) that we'll be blessed again. Hugs and to all of you out there in this caring and warm e-community.

Sending lots of love to both of you from me, and I am sure from all those who read this blog.
xoxox

My city is burning

The weather here in Cape Town is really hot, and really windy. We are on high alert for runaway fires. And despite all of the warnings, despite the terrible fires we have recently had, a few stupid fucks still throw their cigarette butts out the window.

Last night Table Mountain was on fire.

A 65 year old British tourist died of smoke inhalation on the mountain.

 

Twenty years of indigenous vegetation up in smoke. What about the animals?

Please people, do NOT throw your cigarette butts out the window. Use the fucking ashtray.

Marko = worst chat partner in the world.

I eventually persuaded Marko to download Skype on his home laptop so that we can chat. He refuses to set it up at work because it’s against the rules. 

Why I thought he would be any better at chatting on line, I don’t know. 

[02:31:14 PM] Tertia says: oi'

[02:31:16 PM] Marko says: You are an asshole

[02:31:22 PM] Tertia says: now set this up on your work computer!

[02:31:27 PM] Tertia says: i can send you notes

[02:31:30 PM] Tertia says: think how lovely it will be

 [02:31:36 PM] Marko says: I can't at work

[02:31:44 PM] Tertia says: you must!!

He is clearly ignoring me. That is what he does when I try and make him do things. He doesn’t even bother saying no, he just ignores me. Drives me insane.

He really is my punishment, my just reward. All the shit I ever give out, I get back double by being married to him. He never ever does what I tell him to. Ever. Every other guy who I have dated I have managed to wrap around my little finger, this one just tells me to bugger off. I guess that is why I ended up marrying this one.

[02:34:24 PM] Tertia says: did you get the contacts i sent?

[02:34:30 PM] Marko says: Yes

[02:34:56 PM] Tertia says: you are a crap chat partner

[02:35:02 PM] Marko says: I know

[02:35:08 PM] Tertia says: asshole

[02:35:13 PM] Marko says: Dickhead

[02:35:18 PM] Tertia says: penisbrain

[02:35:27 PM] Marko says: Big ears

The “big ears” comment was a very low blow (he loves to tease that I have big ears). That ended our conversation immediately. I walked to where he was sitting (in the next room) and stuck my tongue out at him. Cheeky bastard.

I secretly wish he would upload Skype at work so that I can send him chores to do as I think of them. He probably knows that is the real reason. Bugger.

Appendix B

Here are a few outstanding B’s

B stands for Brother Paul, he chastised me for forgetting what he considered the most important B of all, himself. 

B stands for Breech baby – my sister’s little girl has refused to turn and so she will be having her c-section soon, next few days. I am v excited to meet my new niece.

B stands for Best Friend Bee, who also was aghast that my B week didn’t include her as she is the quintessential B/Bee.   

B stands for Bald Cooter update – went for a cooter wax today and it was MUCH much less painful. Hardly sore at all, was v pleased about that. So it is true, it does get less painful, much less painful. Seriously, it was about a 1/10 vs the 10/10 in terms of pain. No need for diaper cream or frozen peas on the pussy this time. AND I only got charged half price because I had so little hair. Yay. I think the trick is to go often, every 3-4 weeks so that there is very little hair to wax.  And to take two painkillers before .

B stands for Boulder – remember her, she is doing her millionth IVF with the help of a surrogate, I blogged about her a while ago. And even though Julie is an industrial strength asshole, she is also kind, albeit in an asshole’ish type way. You can win one of her v G&D quilts here and at the same time you would be helping out a friend.

B also stands for bombing emails – I received an email from a reader who wanted to give me her opinion and input on the whole Botox thing, a lot of thought and effort when into her email and as I was reading it gmail bombed and I couldn’t retrieve it. So if you emailed me and I didn’t respond, it is not because I am ignoring you, it is because I lost your email, sorry!

B stands for bad news. Very bad news. My blogging friend Millie, who I met in real life two weeks ago, got news that her IVF didn’t work. I am heartbroken for her.

In more bad news the lovely reader who was asking about what to call each mommy in the two mommy households got news that her baby stopped growing at 8 weeks. My heart goes out to them.

There were other B’s I wanted to add in the Appendix, but the last B clearly stands for brain dead – that’s me. It’s been a long few days, Adam is teething and unlike his first 8 teeth, this lot is kicking his ass big time. Which means v little sleep for mother dearest. 

It’s been a brilliant B week, thank you all for participating, I’ve had a lot of fun, hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. It was Beeeeautiful.

Appendix B

Here are a few outstanding B’s

B stands for Brother Paul, he chastised me for forgetting what he considered the most important B of all, himself. 

B stands for Breech baby – my sister’s little girl has refused to turn and so she will be having her c-section soon, next few days. I am v excited to meet my new niece.

B stands for Best Friend Bee, who also was aghast that my B week didn’t include her as she is the quintessential B/Bee.   

B stands for Bald Cooter update – went for a cooter wax today and it was MUCH much less painful. Hardly sore at all, was v pleased about that. So it is true, it does get less painful, much less painful. Seriously, it was about a 1/10 vs the 10/10 in terms of pain. No need for diaper cream or frozen peas on the pussy this time. AND I only got charged half price because I had so little hair. Yay. I think the trick is to go often, every 3-4 weeks so that there is very little hair to wax.  And to take two painkillers before .

B stands for Boulder – remember her, she is doing her millionth IVF with the help of a surrogate, I blogged about her a while ago. And even though Julie is an industrial strength asshole, she is also kind, albeit in an asshole’ish type way. You can win one of her v G&D quilts here and at the same time you would be helping out a friend.

B also stands for bombing emails – I received an email from a reader who wanted to give me her opinion and input on the whole Botox thing, a lot of thought and effort when into her email and as I was reading it gmail bombed and I couldn’t retrieve it. So if you emailed me and I didn’t respond, it is not because I am ignoring you, it is because I lost your email, sorry!

B stands for bad news. Very bad news. My blogging friend Millie, who I met in real life two weeks ago, got news that her IVF didn’t work. I am heartbroken for her.

In more bad news the lovely reader who was asking about what to call each mommy in the two mommy households got news that her baby stopped growing at 8 weeks. My heart goes out to them.

There were other B’s I wanted to add in the Appendix, but the last B clearly stands for brain dead – that’s me. It’s been a long few days, Adam is teething and unlike his first 8 teeth, this lot is kicking his ass big time. Which means v little sleep for mother dearest. 

It’s been a brilliant B week, thank you all for participating, I’ve had a lot of fun, hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. It was Beeeeautiful.

Appendix B

Here are a few outstanding B’s

B stands for Brother Paul, he chastised me for forgetting what he considered the most important B of all, himself. 

B stands for Breech baby – my sister’s little girl has refused to turn and so she will be having her c-section soon, next few days. I am v excited to meet my new niece.

B stands for Best Friend Bee, who also was aghast that my B week didn’t include her as she is the quintessential B/Bee.   

B stands for Bald Cooter update – went for a cooter wax today and it was MUCH much less painful. Hardly sore at all, was v pleased about that. So it is true, it does get less painful, much less painful. Seriously, it was about a 1/10 vs the 10/10 in terms of pain. No need for diaper cream or frozen peas on the pussy this time. AND I only got charged half price because I had so little hair. Yay. I think the trick is to go often, every 3-4 weeks so that there is very little hair to wax.  And to take two painkillers before .

B stands for Boulder – remember her, she is doing her millionth IVF with the help of a surrogate, I blogged about her a while ago. And even though Julie is an industrial strength asshole, she is also kind, albeit in an asshole’ish type way. You can win one of her v G&D quilts here and at the same time you would be helping out a friend.

B also stands for bombing emails – I received an email from a reader who wanted to give me her opinion and input on the whole Botox thing, a lot of thought and effort when into her email and as I was reading it gmail bombed and I couldn’t retrieve it. So if you emailed me and I didn’t respond, it is not because I am ignoring you, it is because I lost your email, sorry!

B stands for bad news. Very bad news. My blogging friend Millie, who I met in real life two weeks ago, got news that her IVF didn’t work. I am heartbroken for her.

In more bad news the lovely reader who was asking about what to call each mommy in the two mommy households got news that her baby stopped growing at 8 weeks. My heart goes out to them.

There were other B’s I wanted to add in the Appendix, but the last B clearly stands for brain dead – that’s me. It’s been a long few days, Adam is teething and unlike his first 8 teeth, this lot is kicking his ass big time. Which means v little sleep for mother dearest. 

It’s been a brilliant B week, thank you all for participating, I’ve had a lot of fun, hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. It was Beeeeautiful.

The unscheduled B stands for blogging broadcast breaks and business trips

Off on a business trip tomorrow, won’t be able to do the final, much anticipated final B post.

Will hopefully be back to regular programming by Tues.