Giving up – When is enough enough?

I found this old post I had written, before I was pregnant with the babes.  I wanted to post it again, for all of those still trying.

A question that is often asked by infertiles to themselves, and to others is “How you do know when it is time to give up?” Usually the person asking is in a really painful and desperate place.

It’s such an individual decision. There is no magic number of years trying, or IVF cycles, or losses. Each person has their own pain threshold, what might be bearable for some will be way too much for others.

I recently heard of an interesting study where infertile women were offered as many free IVF cycles as they could handle in order to conceive. Do you know what the average number of cycles underwent was before most people gave up? Three. Can you believe that? Three. After three cycles the average person said ‘enough. I can’t do this any more’. It was too painful for them to carry on.

I think most people would say they understand this perfectly, doing IVF is very very hard. It is hard on your relationship, your body, your health, you finances, but mostly it is hard on you emotionally, mentally. So going through all of that three times might seem too much for some. Now for me, this study was just unbelievable. Free cycles and they said ‘enough’? I pay for every thing out of my own pocket and I am busy with cycle number SIX (not including the 3 frozen IVF’s or the 3 IUI’s!). Am I crazy? No. Are they crazy? No.

How many cycles you are prepared to go through is not about how much you want it. People shouldn’t think this. It’s not about how badly you want a child, I think it is about what you are prepared to go through, what you are prepared to give up or suffer through in order to get a child. For some people the cost is too high. They are not prepared to risk their mental health, their emotional stability, their marriage etc in order to have a child.

I deeply envy those people who have come to the point in their lives where they say ‘enough’, where they make the decision to live childfree. They get off the clichéd roller coaster and get on with their lives, away from the invasiveness and all consuming cycles, hormonal drugs, needles, blood tests, hopes and disappointments. They go back to being normal. How wonderfully liberating. It must be like being let out of prison. It is a place of ‘acceptance’. I envy them. I really do.

Because I can’t give up. Even having been through all the pain I have been through, and living in this hell every day for the last almost five years, I still can’t give up. Why? Because giving up is scarier to me than carrying on, way way scarier. Giving up terrifies me. A childfree future is just not an option for me. Which means that I am never giving up, I wont. I can’t.

Am I brave or am I stupid? Is it perseverance or is it obsession? I don’t know. All I know is that I am not prepared to live my future childfree. And yes, I will do what it takes to get there. There are so many people in my life, not my family, because they know how important this is to me, but other people, who think I am obsessed, that I am crazy for doing this to myself, to put myself out there time and time again, only to have my soul destroyed and heart broken so often. They don’t understand my need or drive for a child. They say: ‘don’t you think you should give up now?’, ‘don’t you think that god/fate/nature is sending you a message?’.

And there in lies the rub. I am not prepared to buy into the belief that this is my lot in life, that this is my life plan. That I am not ‘meant’ to have a child. Bullshit. I am not going to accept that. I am not an observer in my life, I am a participant. I have control over my fate, because I have choices. I will have a child one day; it might not be in the way I expected. Hell, what am I saying, I expected to have a shag and end up pregnant, IVF is already an exercise in the absurd. So my child might come to me through donor eggs, adoption, whatever. The how is no longer important to me, the end result is.

I am not obsessed. I know I have come close to obsession, about three years ago, when it consumed my life, but now I am just determined. I will succeed, because the alternative is not an option to me. Making the decision to eliminate childfree as an option for me has brought incredible peace. Because I know, come what may, I will have a child. It makes the daily grind of infertility so much easier to deal with, because I know I will have a happy ending in my life story, even if I don’t know what version that happy ending will take.

To get back to the question of when is enough enough, I think the answer is when the pain of trying is worse than the pain of giving up. For me, the pain of stopping is way greater than the pain of trying.

Don’t let any one make you doubt yourself. Do what is right for you. If it takes 5, 10 or 20 IVF’s for you to come to the place in your life where you either achieve success, or where you say ‘enough’, then that is what it takes.

I know of a few people who almost feel embarrassed at the number of IVF’s they have done. They shouldn’t feel embarrassed. Going through this over and over is incredibly brave, it shows incredible determination and drive. Only you will know when enough is enough. And if you decide you can’t or won’t do this any more, then celebrate your decision as a very brave decision, and live your life to the fullest. We each can have our own version of a ‘happily ever after’, but it has to be the right version for you.

To all of you still trying, I send you all my love, and hope that you have the strength to make the decision that is right for you, whether it is choosing a different plan to your original one, or it is deciding to live childfree, or it is to do one more cycle.  Whatever decision you make, my wish is that it is a decision that feels right for you and is one that brings you peace.  Much love to all of you.

Comments

[wessel]

Thanks for this, Tertia. I don't know if you knew that my cycle for sure failed, but this post is very timely for me. Sadder and more hopeless than ever, but still determined.

[Judy]

If ever there was someone who has got it together and knows EXACTLY what they are talking about, girl, you have it going on. What a touching and poignant post. Thanks for sharing this.

[Kristy]

De-lurking to say thank you.

[Mary]

Thank you Tertia. You are a beacon of hope and strength. I recently finally got pg on my 4th ivf, but had an early miscarriage. And no, I am not giving up. Your post just adds to my will power and strength. You are the best.

[Chrissy]

Thanks for this Tertia, As i go into my 3rd ivf I know that living childfree isnt an option for me :) I love reading your site and knowing that you made it, that you now have the adorable Adam & Kate :) gives me hope that I to will get there.

[jill]

T - Thanks for posting this. I have been going over and over this question in my head and have even thought of writing and asking why you didn't give up. I feel like it only depends on where I am in cycle whether or not I want to give up or try "one more time".

I'm so happy you made it through. Have you ever read Plato's "Allegory of the Cave"? It's very applicable to IF, funnily enough.

[Rebekah]

Thank you, Tertia. Just ... thank you.

[Suzie-Q.]

Tertia~
When i told my father i was doing IVF solo b/c i couldn't live childless and hadn't re-married he said that i should just accept that this was my "fate" (not to have a child).
I replied that as long as science and medicine has created this option for me I HAD to try it on my own (with anon. donor sperm) and if I didn't get PG THEN i would agree that my fate was to not have a biological child.
Of course that conversation didn't include the Chinese baby girl I was prepared to adopt if my IVF hadn't brought me Evan and Samantha!
:-)
I am totally with you on this one.

[Naomi]

I echo the thanks given by the others who have commented so far. I am about to start our 4th IVF, having had 5 FETs, resulting in 2 chem preg and 1 m/c. I know that the decision to stop would be harder than the decision to keep going. I don't want to live a child-free life and we will get there one way or the other! Thanks for reminding me it might be a struggle but it is possible to get what you want.

[tubelessinstl]

your post is refreshing for so many. Last year, about this time, I was embarking on the first FET and had not given up hope.... although I had lost 7 angels by miscarriages and tubal pgcy's to various IF treatments in 6 years, I was not ready to stop. I kept hope up by remembering I was so blessed to have gotten pregnant from 2 of the 4 ivf's I had done by then(all fresh and twins miscarraied both times) miscarried them due to a uterine anomoly. I went on to have a chemical pgcy with the FET this past spring and then a 6 week loss on a fresh IVF this past November 2005. It took me a long time to realize that I will be a mom one way or another so we decided to focus our funds on adoption instead of more IVF's for now, but believe me, I am not fully sure I am done with IVF's or at least one more FET as we do have one more frozen embie... so even after 9 angels in heaven and knowing we will adopt our first earlthy child into our hearts and arms, we did not put an END to the option of doing more treatments in the future. I wish everyone much success in their journey through IVF. 5 Fresh IVF's and one FET later, I wish I could afford another right now. But emotionally I need to focus on my ultimate dream of becoming a parent sooner than later through adoption.

Thank you for your blog!

[DD]

Thank you.

From someone who just didn't know how to explain how I feel to the one I need to have understand me the most - my husband.

[Samara]

Very timely as I wait for my bloodwork to determine if I have another ectopic or a miscarriage... at this point I don't know which to hope for. As my husband and I face the HSG and moving on to injectables it's okay to be determined... which is what I am. I only know that it's "enough" when I see the whites of my child's eyes - whether that be through adoption, injectables, in vitro, or natural... that's when it will be enough for me...

And I totally agree when the pain of trying is worse than the pain of giving up... I haven't hit that particular wall and doubt I ever will... being a parents is just a part of who I am... and hopefully I'll get to be one soon.

[Me]

Thank you for the post. I needed to read this more than ever right now to give me the strength to do what I need to do to have a child of my own. I am going in this morning for my retrieval. It's my 2nd IVF and compared to you and to a lot of ladies who comment I may have no reason to really complain. And I am not. Being only my 2nd, I am still at the beginning part. But I guess in some ways none of us imagined ever having to go through IVF at all, let alone more than once. However, like you said in your post, giving up is not an option. The process is hard. Right now, I am nervous beyond belief. Hoping the retrieval will go well. Hoping we get more eggs this time. Hoping they'll be excellent quality so that they'll fertilize and eventually implant. Essentially, hoping that this is it. It's funny throughout this cycle I kept asking myself as I stuck myself with yet another needle how badly do I want this child. When will I know that I need to stop? Infertility has taken over my life so much so that I don't remember the days before.

However, even with all that questioning, the one thing I do is know is that I can't stop. Not yet. I sincerely hope that today goes well. That IVF #2 turns out to be the lucky one, but no one knows for sure. This is the journey I am on. It's hard and with each failed procedure it is getting harder to pick oneself up and continue. But continue I must. I am prepared for it. Giving up is not an option for me now. Not to say when I'll stop, but I figure I'll take it one step at a time. A childless future terrifies me more than anything so as you said this IVF road is hard. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but the thought of never having a child is beyond me. I cannot stop until I know I have exhausted all my options. Am I crazy? No. I think I am just a woman who wants to be a Mother and we set our own limits. Thanks so much for your post. Blogs like yours keep me going each and every day. You are the success story I am hoping to be someday. If there weren't people like you out there sharing your stories I don't know what I would do.

[ninaB]

wow. thank you for posting this. i am forwarding this to my husband.

[ninaB]

wow. thank you for posting this. i am forwarding this to my husband.

[April]

Thank you Tertia. Thank you.

[Suzanne]

After just suffering a miscarriage from IVF #1, this was a very timely encouragement. Thanks.

[Wenchy]

Hey Tertia. Just stopping by to say hello!

[Laura(southernxyl)]

I had to be a mommy. HAD to. Fortunately, I didn't have any fertility issues. Back when I had mine, IVF and those other things were not available. If I couldn't have had my girl, I would be a complete basket case. Well, we would have adopted and that probably would have satisfied my heart, but that was before international adoptions too, the waiting lists were very long, and I knew some people who finally had to give up even on adopting. But if it were today, and I had fertility problems, and money weren't an issue, I don't know if I ever could have stopped trying. And I would have been very rude to people who told me I should lay it aside.

You were wise to be so flexible in your thinking, that you would have a happily-ever-after but you weren't insisting that it had to happen a certain way. And you did get some beautiful babies. Now your only problem is to figure out how to put a rock on their heads, as we say around here, to keep them from growing up too fast.

[Kay]

Tertia, that was such a wonderful post. Having just completed cycle #10, I have asked myself the same question time and time again. You just put it to words so beautifully. (as you always do) I'm going to forward this to my friend who has often accused me of being obsessed with trying. If they only knew what it was really like to live and breathe IVF - seems like a pat on the back or a hug would be in order, rather than criticism.

[Liz]

FREE and they only tried 3 times! Maybe I'm just a glutten...but I've gone at least 15 iui's - such a breeze they are and 4 IVFs. If I had unlimited income I would cycle until no clinic would let me in the door. I'm as stubborn as stubborn can get.

Just recently found your blog - glad you reposted this one.

[janice]

T, I have been w/o computer for weeks and tonight found this re-post. I remember when you posted it originally, but it really hit home for me tonight. I've had 4 m/c's in the last seven cycles, but this last one was it for us. It was my first FET, my 11th cycle, and we made it to 11 weeks this time. Unfortunately I'm too old to be considered for any more treatments. I am blessed to have my daughter from my third cycle, I know that. Why can't I just let go? I'm so exhausted from the hope and devastation, yet I still cannot seem to move on.

[Andrea]

Hey there Tertia. I have been reading your blog a little less in the last 6 months or so - not for any real reason, other than my life was consumed by losing a parent coupled with those hard to take, cumulative IVF saddnesses! (stims 7, 1 FET, only 1 chem preg! so far). I have just returned from a trip OS to scatter my father's ashes, and feel renewed ..... invigorated perhaps .... I no longer feel the burden of IVF as a burden, I'm happy to accept that my life is what it is and I feel a joy at moving on to whatever that will be, alhtough most probably child free - sadly, my husband is not in the same emotional place as me, and he and I have an agreement that we will do one more stim (plus we still got two frosties) - but at the end I know it's a deal - I can see the light at the end of the tunnel - whatever that light has in it, perhaps a baby, or perhaps not - I think I have found a kind of peace with knowing that my IVF days are nearly over - hope that makes some sense.

Thanks for that post - it was very timely - obviously for many of us.

[millie]

Oh, Tertia. This was such a great thing for me to read today. I was going to email you to ask how to pick myself back up and get going again. I'm definitely not quitting yet-but need to get to a place where I can feel a bit of hope again. Reading this (and knowing you) does give me hope. Thank you.

[Bea]

Couldn't have put it better.

We've already made the same decision you made, although I hadn't really been able to articulate it until you did it for me.

Thanks,
Bea

[Juliana]

Very helpful notes from you. I just been through my 3rd cycle with no success. I never felt so low in my entire life, and when you think you been through this a few times and hope that it will get better, it gets worse and worse each time. The emotional distress of going through the 2 weeks waiting for the day of the final blood test is so big that I can't not even explain, but one thing I know for sure, I am not giving up yet.