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Tertia, that's such an interesting way to interpret it, and it makes a lot of sense. You've given me something to think about!

Great post! If it makes you feel good, do it :)

oh puhleezzz, you are doing this so that you have something to blog about. it's a 'serve your readers' exercise in futility.

you get to have the metal in your mouth, shots in your face, chemicals in your hair and surgery for your boobs.

WE get to talk about you like a dog, moan, bitch, complain and gossip about every voyeristic nuance of YOUR public journey.

hell, we should even PAY for what you are suffering through for our lustful need to read.

OH!!! i missed it, did Rose have her surgery yet?

i've had braces twice, boobs once and myobloc at least once. i should suffer alone?

i think not.

As I was reading your post, I was thinking, "It's all about control." Then, at the end of your post you wrote, "it is a little wrestling back of control of my body". I think that's what it may be. There are so many aspects of our lives that we cannot control, when we find something in our lives that we can, we take that and run with it. Those of us with a touch of OCD, that is. ;)

You are doing it for *some* reason. Who the hell cares why? It's what you feel like doing and I don't think any of these things will be regrettable later. So, why the hell not?

I don't love you any less for it. :)

People always try to delve into the inner physche to discover the underlying reason to every decision that is made by people along their course of life. Could it be that in this instance you are just used to being good looking? Even in shorts and no make up, you are fundamentally good looking. If there is something that you feel you should do to maintain this level , then it should be done. If your hair has split ends, you should get it trimmed, if it looks better with highlights, then get highlights. I really think it is more matter of fact than one would like to think. This is how I feel about myself. If I need to lose weight, I go to the gym, if I need to smooth my forehead, I get botox. Why does this have to be so much a vanity thing as opposed to being something you just do to feel like you are where you want to be. People don't expect you to wear glasses if you look better in contacts, why would you walk around with crooked teeth when they can be straight? This is not obsessing, it is addressing issues, and really...why is it even up for question?

I like your self-analysis. It's tough to feel like a failure as a woman, as a biologically female creature, when you have trouble having a baby. For me, what was even worse than that was the failure of my breasts to do their job at feeding my baby. Is it any wonder I buy pricey bras, want to wear lower-cut tops, and took that picture? Maybe I couldn't make the boobs work right, but dammit, at least I can try to make them look good! (Yes, I'm totally stealing your self-analysis and applying it to myself. And maybe someday I'll track down a plastic surgeon who gets good results with DD lifts!)

You do what you do because you want to. No need to analyze it and boo on anyone who tried to analyze you for it.

I am going to the gym now and working with a trainer. My Mom told me I'm doing it so Hubster will find me attractive. Oh..and that is why he goes too...so he can be attractive to others. As you can tell, my Mom is a freak. I refuse to let her insecurities play into my life.

I'm working out because I want to be in better shape. "if" I get to that better shape, I am gettin new Ta Ta's. YAY me! And I'm getting my belly button pierced.

Holy Hijacking your post. Sorry..I'll shut up. It just really makes me made when people analyze why we do what we do.

Oh Tertia- why, why, why do you care what a minority of readers think??? They comment on your life as if it were a matter of world affairs or something. So flippin' what. Do what you want, and if they don't like it, let them read somebody else's blog.

Faith
(who never thought you were vain for getting botox-- just having a bit of fun experimenting.)

Wow a few snotty comments really made you think deeply about this.

I think you are trying to look your best. I don't think trying to look your best is vain it all. You are getting botox and fixing your teeth for the same reason I color my hair, I want to. See, very simple. I have hated my body too. Heck, every month for a few days, I STILL do. But I don't think I have some perfection complex nor do I think you do. I think I look better with lighter hair so I lighten my hair.

I do agree that you may have a new project right now fixing yourself up but don't see you as a vain person on some quest for perfection. I see it as a person who made a lot of sacrifices put herself last for a long time and now wants to do something for herself. I see nothing wrong with that.

Life is hard T, so if you find something that makes it easier or more enjoyable, go for it. Whether it is wine, botox, nip/tuck, whatever. If it makes you happy, and doesn't hurt anyone else, its a good thing.

I understand the whole post IF thing. I do so many things now that I had given up before. I eat what I want. Most days I forget my vitamins. I smoke the occasional cig (though don't tell anyone. Remember, its our little secret) and have a drink when I feel like it. And don't even get me started on coffee. I love my coffee. So while you are being all constructive about taking back control, I seem to be punishing my body for being bad. Probably not the best plan, but it works for me.

Okay, this is a good time for me to say something that I've been thinking for a while now. I don't know if any of you other girls out there will admit to watching Stargate SG1 (I blame my husband!) - but if you do watch it, doesn't Vala Mal Doran (played by Claudia Black) remind you of Tertia? She's not traditionally beautiful, but she's still stunning, very funny and quite rude. That's how I picture Tertia, at any rate. Here are some links - does anyone else agree?
http://www.gasbo.net/s9/vala8-ms.jpg
http://www.sg-1.co.uk/images/c_black.jpg
Oh, what a relief - I've been meaning to say that for ages!

To me, this is just an extension of your creative impulse.
Wish you'd stop paying attention to folks who can't see below the surface and listened more to lovely, dark and deep blomeys like me.
Smooch.

I can totally sympathize with feeling betrayed by my body. I don't know if I will ever get over thinking that my body failed my triplet babies with its premature labor, failed my twins with a miscarriage and almost ruled out any further children after my darling boy's birth last month (placenta accreta).

I have always wanted to have some measure of control and infertility took all of that away. Now, I allow myself whatever it takes to feel good again (within reason of course).

Oh Puh-Lease. Some people. I know when I am done with babies I fully intend to get a tummy tuck and new boobies.... I am a stay at home mom, no one sees me but my husband ( for the most part) as I enjoy being in my home.. so it definately isn't for any one else! I just want to look in the mirror and feel good about what I see! It has nothing to do with what society thinks (as if I give a flying f*ck what the grocery girl is thinking) or what friends/family think.. it is about how I want to appear to myself, to my hisband. Period. Plus, I find that if I am having a "good body / face" day, I am much randier, and the hubby would really appreciate that happening more often! You do what you want to do, for whatever reasons you want to do them.. these insecure people who want to make you feel bad for making your appearance right for YOU, they can take a flying leap.

makes perfect sense to me -- i totally identify, although my version looks a little different. i so get the feeling of being betrayed by your body through infertility. for me, it mattered a lot to me to feel like my body was my friend again, like it was *me* again, and not some alien being that was separate from, and even antagonistic toward, *me*. and you know, i'm there and then some -- i not only love my body and feel healthy and whole, but more so than i ever did before infertility. my journey has included losing 35 lbs, countless hundreds of dollars in yoga classes, becoming a runner and running a marathon, and nursing my adopted son. and for the most part i love love love my body these days. last summer i wore a bikini with pride, even though i still have a little bit of a poochy tummy -- and i feel like that's the final frontier .... this is my seemingly silly, vain desire ... a flat tummy. not quite there yet, but i'm still determined. but it has absolutely nothing to do with some loathing of my pooch, or buying into society's sick notions of sickly-skinny = beautiful, far from it. for me, i just feel like if i couldn't have a lovely round pregnant belly, then by gosh i'm gonna have a flat six-pack of a belly! who knows if i'll ever get there, because i'm getting pretty lazy (it doesn't help that i really do love my body right now, so there's not much incentive to work that hard!). but i do really get it, tertia.

marta

I think after what you have been through it really is your turn to have control back over your body and image. I cant even imagine the loss you have had, nor how deeply it must have affected you. You certainly deserve to do whatever you want! If thats a boob job, or botox.. go for it!

My hubby has always known that when Im older, if we can afford it, I want some 'work' done! Im not vain at all, but I always, always want to look the best I can! Even at home, make-up-less and in my trackies and uggies! I think alot of women feel the same.

You already look great,
do what you feel is right for you, you deserve it!!!

Felicity. :)

Tertia, I am in freaking AWE of what you're doing to improve yourself. I'm not a Mom yet, haven't TTC'd yet, so I don't see your blog as an IF blog as much as I see it as a blog of a woman in her 30s. Like me.

Why do we women insist on tearing each other down? The same people who criticize others for being vain probably also slam other women for "letting themselves go."

Okay. I'm rambling now. But we are all on our individual quests to feel G&D. Some do Botox and braces, some do hairdye and Proactiv, some do workouts and cute shoes. What's the big deal?

(my lower set of teeth look just like yours, btw...I can't wait to see your 'after' photo!)

Pour the wine, girl! And party on with your bad metal mouth! You da bomb!

Ummmm....that's bad in a good way, you know.

I did the botox thing a few months ago for the frown lines between my brows and I am LOVIN' it! People no longer think that I'm sitting at my desk brooding.

I did the boob thing 5 years ago and I am LOVIN' that, too. I went from an A to a C.

When the timing is right I will also do lasix thing, the dermabrasion thing, the tummytuck thing, the lyposuction thing, and anything else I want to do. Why? Because I can.

You take care of you. Don't justify, just reap the rewards!

Tertia - I never thought about "why she would do this". I'm simply not analytical enough! I read someone's blog, and read about whatever they're up to, and if they're happy about it I nod enthousiastically. Such a simple creature am I ....

It all makes sense to me but I'd like to offer a another perspective.

As I recall, you did the botox because you bumped into someone who performs that service who offered to do it at a discount and you thought, "hmm... that might be fun - I think I'll try it" and so you did. It isn't like you have made a habit of it or anything.

Braces are different. I have no idea what your orthodontic issues are but those things can cause real problems with your bite and give you jaw pain.

Diet is different still. We are constantly assaulted with pictures of beautiful movie stars and beautiful models and most women aspire to look like that although very few of us ever make it. It's just the way of the world.

So, until you obsess over your appearance to the point of spending all of your retirement savings on plastic surgery and liposuction I think you are fine.

pd - don't listen to the bitches! They aren't worth it and yes I know you are a dear and care about everyone but some people just take your love, tear to pieces and toss it in your face :-)

Terrible things happen to us all the time; we have to get used to it; it's part of being a part of the human race.

But while terrible things were happening to me over the last couple of years, I watched awful little lines etch themselves under my eyes. So every morning I got up and saw this physical manifestation of how awful things were. It was like a sucker-punch in the gut every single day. "Not only is my life for sh/t right now, but I look like sh/t, too!"

And then, even more alarmingly, at a certain point it didn't matter if I slept enough or more, it didn't matter if I drank or didn't, it didn't matter what moisturizer or eye balm I used, the lines just kept getting deeper. And EVERY SINGLE DAY I LOOKED IN THE MIRROR I LOOKED WORSE.

There wasn't a dang thing I could do to stop the awful sh/t from going on in my life. But there was something I could about those lines -- I could throw a little money at them. Now, I don't have enough money to throw money at my gut, or my boobs, or my thighs, especially since they are an endless omega-sheet of bumps. But I had enough pocket change to get myself botox'd.

And three days later I got up, and my day progressed in its usual full-o-terrible-sh/t way, but when I looked in the mirror I no longer looked like sh/t. I looked like I looked a year ago before this full-catastrophe-living phase of my life started.

Now I know all bad stuff passes, and in fact already this really sh/tty episode of my life is starting to ebb away. And I know in twenty years a few lines under my eyes are going to be the least of my concerns.

But iin the meantime I am here to tell you -- yes, Botox is about control -- you bet your sweet bippie it is. But what a wonderful, powerful, fabulous tool that is to have, even for just a few short months. Sunshine in the midst of sh/t it was... I just can't begin to tell you how wonderful it was to have control over that one tiny little aspect of my life. Needles: $45. Botox: $350. Control: PRICELESS.

Cathy

Tertia, please have three glasses of wine every evening and share your epiphanies. It's gonna save me the trouble of having to do the deep self-analysis myself. I will just steal all your epiphanies, if you don't mind...

You're done having babies, your body is now yours to do what you want with it. Hell, get another tatoo if you want! Anyone who doesn't agree is just silly.

Just so you know - I voted "is a sign of the devil's work."

Because it has to be, if the pumpkin pie milkshake that I had with dinner tonight is also the devil's doing, and not mine.

xoxo

Braces, dude. It's a medical issue. Just because it's a part of your anatomy that's visible to the public doesn't make it any less necessary.

Good lord. If one wants to be sleek & well-groomed, who cares?

To me, feminism is all about CHOICES. No, women should NOT be solely defined by their youth / appearance / sex appeal. Nor should women be defeined solely by their fertility, number of live births, capacity as a mother, nurturing qualities, etc.

Nor should women be defined by other "traditionally feminine" pursuits such as charity work, hostessing, crafts, flower-arranging, sewing, knitting, baking (all of which I enjoy immensely, thank you very much, and consider myself a loud and proud feminist. A feminist who's had botox).

For god's sake, in the larger scale of things, what one does vis a vis grooming (includng slightly more aggressive grooming like coloring one's hair, straightening one's teeth, having botox or even minor cosmetic surgery (all of which I've done) is just so FUCKING TRIVIAL, at the end of the day.

You know what matters a lot more in terms of whether you're a good person? How you behaved. Were you kind to others? Did you do the right thing even when it was hard or scary?

Can we please agree that folks with glossy highlights and smooth brows can also be brave and good?


Luv, forget the third glass and just PASS IT TO ME.

Thanks for the post, Tertia -- you really explained how you're feeling about it all. Not that you *had* to. ::g:: It's your body. You should be able to do what you want. But it's so hard not to judge when you're part of an audience!!!

What you're doing *is* more than I'd do. BUT, you're doing it for yourself. You're not going insane and having 3 zillion plastic surgery procedures. You accept that you won't look *perfect* afterwards. And that's all I need, not that you had to justify yourself to me! We all do *something* to make ourselves look & feel better. We just draw the line in different places.

Ok, if we are going for honest disclosure here, I have something to admit.

I came back to see what was written and where the vote was & saw that "devil's work" only had one vote not the original vote + my vote.

WTF?

So, just spent five more attempts and another browser to see if I could get my vote to register.

Now is when I admit that though I'm a born blonde, going to die blonde - who has to help Mother Nature find just the right shade of blonde - I'm clearly a "DUMB BLONDE," because I was marking the dot, but not hitting the "vote now" button....

Phew, I feel much better coming clean about that little tidbit. Going back to my own wine now.

xoxo

I absolutely understand when you say that you feel like your body was controlling you for so long, that now a part of you wants to take control. I didn't have a very difficult pregnancy (or trouble getting pregnant) but I felt really upset about how my body was like a separate entity while I was pregnant. Some new weird symptom would pop up and I would call my doctor, only to be told that it was weird, yes, but totally normal during pregnancy. I hated that! No warning, just deal with it. Plus all the exams I had to submit to, letting any stranger with a medical degree grope at me. Intellectually I know that it wasn't like that, but a part of me felt really violated by the whole medical aspect of the pregnancy and birth. As soon as I had the baby and was able to start living in my own body again, I was thrilled. But the idea of exerting control over my body, through diet, exercise, or medical interventions is comforting.

Oh Tertia, stop being such an asshole ;o) !!
If you want to be even more G & D than you already are, go for it girl! Enough with the psycho-analysis already. Who gives a flying fuck what anybody else thinks & yes, have that 3rd glass of wine - life is just too short to deny oneself those simple pleasures, CHEERS!!!

I've just read your blog from go to whoa, and it took two solid days! I admire you, I loved following your story and I hope that your experiences, and your generosity in sharing them, will make me a better midwife. There was something you said that I have to refute - that your babies are not baby-model gorgeous! They are! Adam has the most captivating face. In photos with both of them, I am drawn to his gorgeous moosh. Not to say that Kate isn't also gorgeous. She looks so happy and peaceful, much calmer than her brother, although I know that pictures can lie! They are beautiful children and I know you will bring them up to be beautiful human beings. And whys hould they not have a totally G&D mother? The technology to improve on gorgeousness was not invented so we could sit around going "Hey, look what they invented", it was invented so people who are already G&D can just polish up that aspect. Go for your life, your body's been through hell so why not treat it nicely, and make it's outside match the inside?
This is long and not totally related to the ost recent post, but I had to say you're great, you're amazing, you're female and you're a mother. What's not to love? Don't let the bastards get you down, don't stop having opinions and debates and all the rest. You may be aqcuainted with the works of one Billy Connolly, who is quite opposed to beige himself. If you are not, I suggest you become so.
And now to me - I am 22, with no immediate intentions to become pregnant and hopefully no impediments to becoming so when I want to. I'm in Australia. I am going to be a midwife, as I mentioned before, and I am thankful that people like you and Julie and Julia and others share their stories, for me to learn from and for others to gain support.
You go, Tertia.

I can relate to the whole IF / IVF / pregnancy thing controlling your body and now you want to hold the reigns again. I also feel like my body wasn't mine to do with what I want, for ages. Like I can't eat this, couldn't do exercises, couldn't drink this, couldn't go on a diet (breastfeeding) etc so I imagine when I am completely free of all that then i will want to eat and do things to my body that I haven't been able to do for a long time.

It just sounds like anew hobby you have at the moment. Wow - 3 glasses of wine. Isn't that nearly the whole bottle to yourself? Don't you ever feel hungover? lucky if you don't. I haven't had a drink for 18 mths due to the pregnancy / breastfeeding thing but hoping to have the odd one again soon. My dh doesn't drink hardly ever so that puts a lid on a lot of my drinking. Does Marko join you in the wine?

I think it's great that you are sharng your experinces of cahnge. I do think the braces will be worth it in the end.

I have a souple of totally unrelated questions...first, wasn't Rose's boob job this month? Did I miss something? and second, when I try to read the poll it is covered with an ad. I can't tell you which add because I can only see part of it but the poll is completley covered. It doesn;t happen everytime but maybe 2 out of every 3 times I log on.

Thanks,
StacyG

I had a really similar experience after I lost my daughter shortly after her birth. I spent the summer after that (4-6 months post-partum) working out and dying my hair and buying clothes. I do think it can be about re-establishing a relationship to a body that you feel on some level has betrayed you (despite the gorgeous twins, yours did, right?).

Now that I am post-partum a second time I find myself feeling the same all over again - some days I think it's 'cause I don't want him to have a mum who looks tired or saggy or anything. Some days I think it's just about wanting to take care of me. :) But I'm more into my body than I have been much before, wanting to look my best and feel fit and "together." So I don't know.

But I say go for it - make the choices you're comfortable with and enjoy the results!

No, you should let yourself go we can all feel better about ourselves and remain quietly smug that we are much prettier than you.

Selfish bitch.

;)

I have gone through this too - in phases. About 6 years ago I had braces applied to my teeth. I then had implants. I have not gone through botox, however I would consider it if I felt it would enhance my appearance. I don't think it is pure vanity... I do think it is technology available to make me feel better about myself. I am able to make changes to myself - to change the things that have made me feel ugly or I was always worried about. I like that - that is a good thing. I didn't do any of these things for my husband, or anyone else. And I didn't think that I was a better person because of the changes, but I do think they made me more confident and ... well I am rambling - however the point is... I AM WITH YOU.

Oh puleeeeeeze...all of these sticky sweet comments are giving me diabetes!

Tertia is doing it because she is a vain, snobbish, stuck-up b!$#!.

Asshole.

(meant in the very best way, of course...hehe)

I think you, like myself, always want something to work on. Before this, it was having the babies, and now that they're safely here, you're on to something else! and the anger at your body totally makes sense. Do what you want to do! It's your body and your life! The babes are DIVINE! You know that I don't always agree with you in the past, but on this one I say, go for it! Who the hell cares what everyone else thinks? Of course I have trouble with thinking others think something bad about me, so I shouldn't be talking! :) If it makes you feel better about yourself, I am glad you are doing it!

you ARE an asshole. 100%.

R

Read this post yesterday and it really interested me. Had this whole answer worked out in my head, but now it's mostly gone.
Gist of it is that I've never been interested in my looks, and I pride myself for being able to look beyond them. BUT since having Hannah, I've never been so depressed and if I'm honest with myself, it's got a lot to do with the fat rolls I see appearing out of nowhere around my middle. It's a strange anomaly, because I SAY I don't care about looks, but in truth the fact that I'm no longer able to flit around in bikinis depresses the hell out of me...
I think my point is that you should go for it if doing the makeover stuff will make you feel better about yourself.

I'm a lurker -delurking to say that I love your blog, and I love the self-analysis posts mostest. Your why, why, why questions can just as easily apply to someone who has no interest whatsoever in taking care of their body. For me you really hit the nail on the head when you referred to the relationship/conversations you had with your body. It's sad to think how many women hate/are angry with their bodies. I don't think I can ever remember a time when I was friends with mine.

I think that if anyone in the world deserves some pampering, beautifying, and making over, it is you. You're right - your body has put you through hell. Do what you want with it, and feel amazing about yourself. It is OK to be selfish sometimes and do things that merit no one but yourself. Good on ya!

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