Faking it

I don’t know if you ever have this feeling, maybe you don’t, but sometimes I get this flash of insecurity about myself, a moment of self-doubt that says “maybe I’m not really this competent, maybe I am actually not that clever / good at my job / good at this mothering thing. Maybe I am just faking it and sometime soon someone is going to find me out and expose my lack of competence”. 

It happens far less than it used to, when I was younger I had many more of those moments. As I get older I realize that I am actually quite damn good at what I do, and that part of growing is stretching yourself to do new things, things that you might not be that competent in initially. This applies especially in the workplace where it is so much easier to stay in your comfort zone, where changing jobs, or taking promotions means you have to keep learning and exposing yourself to new challenges.

In as far as being mother to twins goes, I’ve had quite a few of these moments of self-doubt, especially in the beginning. At times I’ve felt like a real fake. Compared to many mothers (and especially mothers of twins), I have it easy, I have Rose. I have to do far less than so many others do, and when people remark to me that it must be hard mothering two babies, I feel like a liar and fake because in reality my life is actually so fantastically wonderful. I almost wait for the tap on the shoulder to say ‘hey, we all know you aren’t really that good at mothering twins, you have help’.

And then I have moments like this morning, when both Marko and Rose are out for most of the day, and it’s just me and the babes. And I did wonderfully well in my role as mother to twin babies. The downside of having someone as wonderful and switched on as Rose is that I am seldom alone with the babies, and I miss that. I want to feel what it is like to be just me and them. Rose is completely unobtrusive, before I met Rose I was worried that having someone in my house all the time would be uncomfortable, but Rose fits in like family. She is totally comfortable here and we are totally comfortable having her here. But it is nice to be alone with the babies, to have a chance to play real mom and to have to do it all by myself. 

Don’t be mistaken, I am not saying I don’t think I am a good mom, I know I am. Or that I am saying I don’t want Rose around or that I don’t appreciate having help – Rose is my sanity saver and my hero, it was just nice to have that moment this morning when I realized that no matter what, no matter how much help I have, I am their mother, and I am actually damn good at it.

 

Comments

[kathleen999]

I completely understand this feeling. I also understand really liking to be alone with the babies and to have the feeling of being a good mom of twins, which isn't easy.

[Menita]

"I realized that no matter what, no matter how much help I have, I am their mother, and I am actually damn good at it."
That has been obvious to the rest of us for some time, but I'm glad you finally got it : )

[Renee]

Yay, got power back today...rough week of COLD showers!
I know that I do not know what I am doing insofar as my job, mothering, etc. so I cheerfully just go with the flow. When my husband asks me what is better to do, my standard answer is "I don't know" so he has to make decisions too. As far as parenting goes, that has worked out really well, as he is just as involved with the baby as I am, as I have completely shared the parenting limelight/pitfalls. So then I look back at what I have accomplished, and I find that I am doing really well in my job, my baby is happy and healthy, and I have the sneaking suspicion that even 'though I really am admittedly stumbling through all this, my end result appears to be the same as the competant 'together' woman that seems to do everything so effortlessly. And then, when I talk to this super woman about the trials and tribulations of motherhood/work etc, it seems she has gone through the same situations, but she isn't as hard on herself, and gives herself more credit than I would give myself. Take Tertia for instance. The fact that she can say that she knows she is a great mom must be empowering. I have really noticed as I get older that people believe what you tell them. If you say you are a great mom, you must be. If you say you are a terrible mom, then that must be the case too, as who would say that they were bad at something unless they are sooo beyond bad that to say any less would be an abject lie. We never build in that the person might just be really hard on themselves, and have such unreachably high standards that they will always denigrate themselves in view of not being good enough.
I think my point is that the more you tell yourself you are good at something, the more you believe it, and then others will pick up on that positivity too. So you gradually flow from faking it...to it being a reality.
Phew, can you tell that this is the first morning in a week that I have had coffee??

[scott]

I truly believe that no matter what influence Rose has, yours will always be the most important. How many mothers have such famous children?
Maybe you should get them some little veils, a la Jackson.

[Scout]

All I really want to say is yay for you. Such a nice post; really. Your kids are the cutest and I love reading how you love being a mom even if there are challenges.

[Dani]

You have no reason to doubt yourself. You proved yourself as a mother before they were even born in trying so hard just to have them. A lesser person wouldn't have put themselves through that. If you can pull that off, you can do anything.

Even after 10 years and 3 kids... I still doubt if I'm doing it right. Deep down I know I am (to the best of my ability, anyway), but I can't be so arrogant as to think that there isn't room for improvement.

In regards to the wrong number poll: I need to pick "E" (okay, it's not there, but humor me) Politely apologize for the inconvenience... wish them a good day/evening and hang up. It's always the way I've handled it, even before the days of caller ID. I can't stand when people don't have the maturity to apologize when they've dialed me by accident. They think that just because we aren't face-to-face they aren't obligated to act like an adult and be gracious. How rude.

[Lindsey]

Thanks for making me feel normal. These sorts of emotions have been creeping up on me lately as well.

[Alley_uk]

In a recent survey in the UK it was revealed that woman are more likely to doubt their abilities that men are. Apparently we all have moments when we wonder whether we have 'faked' our way into doing something. Whereas men, just assume that they must be great!

Apparently it's universal :-)

Alley

[Amy]

Girl, you are my HERO, having made it further into raising twins than I. I love reading about A&K and seeing what I have to look forward to a few months down the road. Sometimes I think you can read my mind. I am on a one year sabbatical from my job as an assistant principal at an elementary school to raise my children and I still go to the school quite a bit to help out. I often leave there a little depressed and doubting myself because I feel so replacable. The girl who took my place is doing a really good job. Too good, maybe?? Also, I don't have a Rose (God, I wish I did!), but my husband works from home 3 weeks out of the month and travels for the other week. I do a bang-up job when he's not here and love having them to myself, too, but often feel like people give me more credit than I am due because he is here most of the time to help. Still, I'm proud of myself. And you certainly should be, too.

[Judy]

It is good to see this side of you. Pats on the back are ALWAYS a good thing!

[carrie]

Hi tertia
I love reading your blog and enjoy your wicked sense of humour. I have a Rose too called Grace. She's going home this christmas for 2 weeks and I am bracing myself to go it alone with the kids. Thanks for saying so perfectly the sentiment which goes with relying on help, without which I would go quite stark raving mad.

[Betsy]

Wait, aren't you the G&D woman who wakes up at some unGODly hour just to spend time with your kids? Hell yeah, you are a great mom. We all knew that - glad you had a day when you recognized it too. The feeling is universal and sometimes you have to look at what others think of you to get the feeling.

[kim]

I think what you are doing is a great job. Its like they get a lot of quality time with everyone cos everyone gets breaks. They are probably always around someone happy. If you never get a break then you can get a little worn down and surely that must affect the quality of time with a kid. You are also providing them with a nice house in a good area. they will get good schooling etc. You are doing a great job and are doing the best that you can for them in the circumstances you find yourself in. Good for you.

[tess]

sing it, sister!

[Alexa]

Of course you are doing an excellent job--look at those faces on your picture sidebar! They look absolutely delighted to have found themselves the children of a G&D mother such as yourself.
I am looking forward to hearing about your mysterious "project"...

[victoria]

Did Rose have her surgery?

[cath]

i adore you because you speak the truth most of us are too incoherent to verbalise.

[Wylie]

When I pick up my daughter some days, I get this peculiar lurch, like I've done something naughty in having her. I couldn't figure out where the sensation was coming from at first. Then I realized that I still feel so much like a kid that hey - I was wearing the guilt I might have if I'd had her as a teenager. Does that make any sense?

[cas]

Natch, you are a great mum. But, I'm right there with you on feeling like I'm a big fake and someone will find me out. I find that I feel more that way about things I do in my public life (i.e. work) than in my private life (i.e. being a mum).

I just hit huge with the "faking it" feeling this week when contemplating a job offer. I still have a hard time remembering some days that I'm meant to be a grown up and that other people think I'm a grown up.