So Close

Balance

I am finding it quite a stretch to balance my life.  I know it could be far worse, and in a lot of ways I have it easy, but still.

It seems as if the sum total of output required for Tertia the mother, Tertia the wife, Tertia the employee and Tertia the individual add up to way more than a 100%.  In other words, somewhere along the line, some thing has got to give. 

Perhaps it is possible for some women to achieve total balance, maximum output on each of these roles, but I doubt it.  Or at least I am not able to.

Some of these roles will have to suffer, and life becomes a matter of priority and urgency.  There are roles that I can compromise on, there are roles I can cruise by on with minimal effort and there are roles that require my full attention.

The mothering role is a role that requires most of my energy.  It is not forever, I will be able to redirect some of that energy back into other areas of my life as the babes get bigger, but for now, they need me most.  I am very fortunate in that I have Rose to bolster my efforts in this role.  With her help during the day, I feel as if the babes are having their needs met.  I know some of you might disagree, those that think that only the mother should look after the babies.  I don’t agree, lets agree to disagree.

At the same time, I cannot totally let go of Tertia the employee.  I need my salary, and being in a ‘managerial’ role means that I have to add some form of professional value to my organization, I can’t afford to slack off.  I look in amazement at some of the highly focused, career-driven women and wonder how on earth they manage it, how do they manage the mother-career woman balance*?  I can’t work late, I can’t attend social functions.  My ability to travel on business is also severely curtailed.  Where as I used to work 10-hour days, I am now working 7.5-hour days.  I am the only woman in my division and all of the guy’s wives stay at home, which means they can put in the long hours, do the travelling etc.  I do feel as if this puts me at a disadvantage for career development, but that’s just part of the whole deal I suppose.  I need a SAH wife as well. 

Then there is Tertia the wife.  This is one area where I have cut back, where my role has changed quite a bit.  Again, not forever.  Thank goodness I have a very low maintenance husband. Honestly, I am very fortunate.  The man is practically self-sufficient.  He doesn’t need a cooked meal every night, he doesn’t need me to pamper him, to stroke his ego etc.  Of course he still needs me to stroke something else.  Haha.  A women’s work is never done. Seriously though, I know from hearing about other marriages, I am very lucky that Marko isn’t one of those husbands who are all needy and stuff. Hell, he is so low maintenance, he doesn’t even take up much space. 

Unfortunately, it is poor old Tertia the individual that takes the biggest knock.  Again, not forever, and Tertia the individual is the most understanding, she doesn’t mind being last in the queue for a while.

Most days I manage my life quite well, but there are some days that it seems that every one wants a piece of me – my kids, my husband, Rose, my employer, my family, my friends (thank gawd my friends are also v low maintenance).  It has been a particularly hectic week – work is so busy, I have an event that I have to put together for next week with international speakers, the babes have been a bit sick’ish, Adam has been keeping me awake, Marko is stressed cos he is about to start his new job, my parents left for overseas this week etc etc, then my sister sends me a note saying that I am being a crap friend.  Sigh.  I know its true.  It’s just that I feel all shared out.  Everyone has their piece, there is not much left to go around.  And to be honest, that makes it hard when, after a long day, my darling husband feels like a bit of action.  I feel like saying ‘not you too, please! I have nothing left to give’.  But I don’t. 

As I say, I have it relatively easy.  I have help at home, I have a v low maintenance husband, a supportive family, a great job.  And I still find it a stretch sometimes.  I don’t know how people who have it worse off than me do it.  I take my hat off to them, especially the single moms. 

Do you sometimes feel like this?  Like every one wants a piece of you, and sometimes there are not enough pieces left to give.

*The whole career/work/mother thing is a post that is brewing in my head.  Watch this space. 

(If I sound unhappy, I am not, I wrote this during the week when things were a bit rough.  I am actually damn skippy at the mo’.)

Weight Watchers

I am going to give WW a bash – I’ve done it before and it has worked for me.  I need to do something as am v closely resembling a Sumo Wrestler at the mo’.

Am Hideous Hilda and something MUST be done.

I like WW’s cos I can substitute wine for food.  One glass of wine = 3 slices of bread or something like that.  Which, by extrapolation means I could legitimately have wine for lunch and supper.  A liquid diet, so to speak.  We like that.  A lot.

There is a meeting held every Wed just a hop skip and a puke away from my office. I was going to go last Wed, but I had a long, boozy business lunch instead.  This Wed I have another one. But next Wed!  Next Wed I will be there accompanied by my newfound resolve and determination.

Watch out for the leaner, meaner, slimmer version of Tertia due to come out shortly.  Well, soon.  Ish.  Before the end of the year.

Gawd, I hate dieting.  But Something Must Be Done.

Grrls and Boys

Don't you just love happily ever afters?

Grrl and her boy are home.

Sleep consultants: You!

You are all now my sleep consultants.  So dear sleep consultants, here are the facts:

1.    Our night time routine is as follows:

·    5pm – get home, play a little
·    5:30 – veggies (which he now refuses to eat)
·    6 – bath
·    6:15 – massage
·    6:30 – get him dressed, he cries hysterically, only calming down when he has his bottle
·    6:35 - bottle

The problem is, he falls asleep while drinking his bottle, always.  Which means he is not getting in enough milk for the night.  Last night I tried to force him to wake up and drink more and projectile puked everywhere.  So that doesn’t work. 

He then wakes up about 9/10/11 and from what I can see, doesn’t know how to put himself back to sleep.  I usually run in and rock him back to sleep.  That takes 2 minutes. Yes, I know this is bad, but I don’t want him to wake Kate or get himself so worked up that it takes me an hour to get him back to sleep. Sometimes he wakes at 12:30 again, this time I get into the spare bed with him, sometimes he goes back to sleep, sometimes he wants to play.

Then he wakes up about an hour later, and starts playing, squealing etc.  I leave him, hoping like hell he will go back to sleep.  After about 15 mins he starts yelling.  I either rock him to try and get him back to sleep (this can take up to two hours) or I give in and give him a bottle.  This morning I gave him a bottle and the awake time was only 45 mins.

2.    When Adam wakes in the night, he is not upset etc, he wants to play.  How do I know this? Cos he is in a terrific mood and gurgles and squeals for a while.  He then gets bored and starts yelling, in an angry way.

3.    I am trying to wean him off a nighttime bottle, because I can see he is not hungry, but it is the only way I can get him back to sleep.  I know this is wrong, but if I don’t give him a bottle he refuses to sleep.

4.    Should I put toys in his cot? (BTW, I don’t think his waking up to play in the middle of the night is him wanting to play with ME cos I am working.  He would play with whoever was there)

So here are my thoughts:

I want him to sleep, I want him to be able to put himself to sleep when he wakes up.  I can see how a skill like that helps, Kate is a perfect example.  It is not a skill that I have taught her though, it came with the package. 

I want to sleep.  It is important to me that I have some sleep, not because I am selfish, but because my employer is paying me a salary to deliver a certain value to the organization.  For that they pay me a salary, with which I support my family.  If I stayed home it might have been less of an issue, who knows.  Maybe I could have napped during the day or had the occasional vegged out day.  I really can’t do that professionally.  I resent it when people imply that being chronically sleep deprived is part of the deal of being a good mother.  This good mother *has* to work outside of the home.  Sorry if that upsets you.  Live with it.

I do not mind waking up once or even twice a night, I am fully prepared to do that.  However, what I do not want to do is be awake for two hours at a time at night as well as the 1-2 night wakings.  As I have said before, I don’t mind little sleep, I do mind TOO little sleep.  That has all sorts of implications. For both of us.

I need to find a solution that works for all of us.  Adam, me, Marko, Kate, Rose etc.  Oh, on that point – Marko does help me, he helps me with Kate.  He looks after her at night.  Unfortunately Adam is a gigantic PITA and only Rose, myself and my mom can settle him and get him to sleep. 

And another thing – he naps during the day when he wants to.  We don’t have a routine, we do have a rhythm.  He does (mostly) get enough sleep during the day.  We can read his cues pretty well.

I am very torn.  On the one hand there is my absolute reluctance to let him CIO and on the other hand both Adam and I need to sleep.  At the same time I need to get SOME sleep (CIO often means no sleep for the mom in the beginning) and I need to make sure Kate doesn’t get woken up all the time by his yelling.

That child is a strong, wilful child.  He goes completely hysterical when he cries.  I am scared CIO is not going to work.  I will not let him cry until he pukes etc.  I will also not let him cry for longer than 5 minutes without going in his room and letting him know I am there.  Even the thought of FIVE minutes of yelling is enough to make me feel completely anxious.  He is going to go ballistic if/when I try CIO.

Ok, just read Mollie’s comment (and all of your comments) – she told me to grow a backbone.  I love Mollie.  I don’t want I am afraid of, to try CIO I mean.  Hold on, need to think about that….. Why does the thought of having Adam crying make me so anxious?  As I said before, I think I am transferring my issues on to him.  It’s the being scared thing.  But as he gets older, that theory is holding less water.  He is not scared, he is just annoyed that I wont play with him or pick him up.  The little fucker.

You know what, I am secretly hoping he will find his own way of sleeping at night.  In the back of my mind I am hoping that by 10 months or even a year, he will be sleeping through.  I can do this for that long… BUT – what if he doesn’t?  I know it gets harder as they get older to try sleep training.  I feel tremendous pressure to do something NOW.

Ok, so you sleep experts – tell me what to do.  Don’t tell me to read a book, I have read Baby Whisperer, No Cry Sleep Solution, The Contented Little Baby Book, Happiest Baby.  I don’t want to read a book.  I want, I want….Oh, I don’t even know what I want from you.  Inspiration? Encouragement?  Direction? A backbone? Bucket loads of money so that I don’t have to work?  World peace?  Lordy, I don’t even know what I want.

I do need to do something.  I would never ever hurt my child, but the other night, after a few nights of little sleep, after two hours of moaning, up and down, rocking, yelling, playing around and around, I felt such a rush of anger towards him.  I could understand, in that moment, why people DO lash out at their children.  You get desperate.  But then Marko came into the spare room and raised his voice a mere octave and I immediately thought “don’t you DARE raise your voice at my poor innocent little lamb, I will KILL you”. 

Oh, you asked what my mom says – she says I should do CIO, she says he has me wrapped around his finger.  Even Rose said to me this morning “you need to do something Tertia, you need to sleep”.  And she is anti CIO herself!

That child is handful I tell you.  How can such a little person cause SUCH major mayhem and anarchy?  He is little in stature, but let me tell you that little boy is huge in presence.  I love him so much my heart aches, he is such a special boy.

I think I need to try and let him cry.  A bit.  Does a bit even help?  Or is it all or nothing?  Ok, next weekend. I will try to do some CIO next weekend as I am off for a few days then.

Fuck.  I don’t know what to do.

 

**Forgot to add, the babes are already sleeping each in their own room.  However the little shit's yells are so piercing, they reverberate through the whole house.  AND I close both of their bedroom doors and turn down the sound on the video monitor when I am sleeping. I still hear Kate’s grunts and Adam’s yells.

***And another thing - I've just introduced a 'lovey'.  Hopefully that will help.

****One more thing.  Not sure if you are all aware that Julie, is in fact, an asshole.  No relation to Adam though.  Ask her why.  Insensitive cow.

Sleep Consultant

Adam was an industrial-strength enema last night.

See, the thing is, he wakes up and wants to play.  He thinks it’s morning time. He wakes up at 12:30 last night, amuses himself for about 15 minutes, then decides he is bored and starts yelling.  I pick him up, rock him to near sleep, put him back and he wakes up and starts babbling again.  Repeat cycle. 

At one stage I put him down and sat the on the bed, hiding so that he couldn’t see me past the cot bumper.  The next thing this little hand comes through the slats of the cot and lifts the cot bumper up.  He peers through, looks for me, finds me and gives me this huge grin, as if to say ‘yay!  There you are, lets play’.  Cute.  But not that funny after two hours of this shit.

Thank god Kate was her usual textbook baby self and didn’t wake up.  So I managed to sleep between 9:30 and 12:30 and 3 – 5:30am. 

I recently got in touch with an old acquaintance of mine, and noticed on her email signature that she is a sleep consultant.  I had a look at her site and sent her an email asking her what approach she takes, how much she charges etc.  I sent her a note saying something like ‘what school of thought do you follow, do you use Ferber, or Pantley etc, Do you use CIO etc etc.’

She mailed me back saying she doesn’t know who any of these people are, or what CIO means, she uses her experience as a mother and the many successes she has had to date.

Being the typical nerdy, anal, must-read-everything-like-a-textbook person that I am, I am now wondering whether her approach will be ‘scientific’ enough?  Am I being an asshole?  Do you think she could help me?  And how on earth will someone like this help me?

This is her site.  She is probably going to see all the hits coming to her site from here – but I really do need to ask my friends in the computer first.  What do you think?  Do you think a sleep consultant is a good idea?  This one in particular?

No good as a porn star, apparently.

Picture the scene. The Tertia household, 8:45 pm last night.  Babes asleep.  Tertia getting ready for bed, showering, washing my bits etc, Marko lying in bed, arms crossed, pervy smirk on his face. 

Me:  What are you smiling at.
Him:  Nothing

I carry on getting dressed, look in the mirror to brush teeth etc and lo’ and behold, what do I see stuck on the mirror but another fucking “One Free Pass” ticket thingy stuck on the mirror.  BUGGER!!!!!!

Tertia:  Sorry, the offer expires at 20:00
Him:  Bullshit. You can choose, either tonight or tomorrow
Me:  Tomorrow
Him:  Goodnight
Me: zzzzz (drool leaking out corner of mouth)

Next morning after particularly horrendous night of baby relay.  Babes finally asleep after morning bottle etc.

Me:  Ok, Buddy, it’s now or never, move it.
Him:  Now

We were laughing at how unromantic we are.

I was telling Marko about a blog reader who makes non-exploitative porn movies (who sent me a copy btw, thank you), so he says to me “you’d make a useless porn star”.  I was quite insulted and asked him why, so he said ‘can you just imagine the scene when the woman says (in bath robe, hands on hips) ‘ok, Buddy, it’s now or never, move it’. 

Was v funny.

But seriously, with two young babies, you got to take whatever opportunity presents itself.  They were sleeping at the same time, I had time to spare before work – would be foolish to pass that up now wouldn’t it.  Now or never buddy.  No time for being romantic or coy.

2 down, 4 to go.

Baby Relay

It’s 05:46am.  I’ve been awake since 11:30 last night.  First Kate, then Adam, then Kate, then Adam.  The little buggers!!!  At least Kate had a decent excuse, I think she had a bit of a sore tummy.  Adam was just being an asshole, wanting to play at 2am – I think NOT young man.  I need to go to work in an hour.  Heeeelllllpppppppp!

You know when it’s so bad it’s actually funny – this is one of those moments.  Oh well, what can you do.  I have already docked their pocket money, and taken away some of their TV privileges. 

That’s it!  They will have to stay home Friday AND Saturday night.  I am putting my foot down.

Oh and v kind of you not to mention that it is T+10 days past our CIO date.  I haven’t been able to do it, I just can’t.  And Marko was not keen as well.  But……..the little assholes are skating on thin ice at the moment.  CIO starting to look v v attractive.

Ok, off to work, v busy day today so might not be able to do a decent post. 

Later.

"Fertility treatments: Unlimited kids, or enough is enough?"

If you have nothing else to do, check this out.  I am too busy being a bad mother, working out of the home while "someone else raises my kids". Just so that I can drive a sports car.  Or whatever.

(Thanks to a blog reader for sending me this link)

When / how I write

A few of you have asked when I find the time to blog every day.  It’s not that I want to blog every day, it’s the pressure of knowing you come here every day looking for a new post – not wanting to disappoint you – that drives me to blog every day.  Only joking.

What I do is write up a few posts over the weekend, when the babes are sleeping and the husband is watching some or other mundane movie on TV.  I might write up 3-4 posts every weekend.  About all sorts of stuff.

If nothing particularly topical or pertinent has happened that day, then I will dip into my store of pre-written posts.  However, if something has happened that day, I will write about it the next morning.

I normally copy and paste a post first thing in the morning, at work, while I am eating my cereal.  Otherwise midday, when I am eating my lunch.  My lunch hour is spent reading other blogs, the boards I frequent and reading and replying to the comments and emails.

If I receive emails that are long, or require some thinking in response, then I will save them for weekends or when I have a break.  So if you email me, I will reply, it might just take a while.

So that is how I manage to post just about every day.

Believe me this is a total reciprocal relationship – any enjoyment you might get out of reading my blog I get 10x over from writing it and reading your comments and replies.  I thrive on the comments – each and every one.

I wish I had more time to write, I love writing.  I have a million posts, stories, discussions in my head, I just don’t have the time to write them all up.  This week has been a particularly bad week, I have been so busy at work. I finally managed to chat to Julie today for the first time in nearly 10 days – NOT acceptable! 

I also try and do a poll every day – that takes time.  I normally think of polls at night, in the middle of the night and then can never remember them in the morning. It’s very irritating.  If you want me to do a poll pls email me, I will try and post it.

I need to figure out a way to post all the previous polls.  I can access a page of previous polls, but I can’t post the URL as it is a secure page requiring a sign on.  I will work on posting them, cos it is really interesting.

Oh, and I normally have a glass of wine when I write up posts.  So if they seem slightly incoherent – it’s the wine, not me.

Living kid-free

Before I had kids I could never understand how any one could choose to live childfree.  How could you not want children?  Once I had started actively trying to have children I actually envied those who didn’t seem to have the same primal need I had to have children.  At times it was unbearably hard to carry on trying, it took every single ounce of whatever I had inside of me to do yet another cycle.  Yet there was no way I could ever switch that yearning off. Impossible.

While I love my kids more than I thought I could love any one or any thing, and would have even more if I could, I can now understand the appeal of NOT having children.  Now that I have kids of my own, I realize what an absolute and total sacrifice it is.  And if not forever, it is for a very long time. 

This is not about being a martyr – that look doesn’t suit me at all, although some might wear it.  This is about how you put yourself second, or third to your kids for as long as they need you, which might just be forever. 

I was lying in bed last night, after a day of baby relay and I thought about a woman I used to work with, she was about 42 at the time and had decided that she didn’t want to have any children.  I was just starting out trying to conceive and at the time I found it fascinating that someone could choose not to have children.  I asked her about her decision (not in a horrible way, we were chatting about how different our lives were).  She explained to me her reasons why.  It was her second marriage, he was a little older and they had a divine life together.  They travelled, they slept late, they read, they had breakfasts out every weekend etc etc.  And it made sense.  For her.  Looking back now, I get what she meant.  It wasn’t that she didn’t like children, it was just that for her, she preferred her life without the sacrifices you have to make in order to raise a child.  I now understand her position.

Besides the actual sacrifices you make, there is the part that says once you have kids, your heart is forever exposed.  While the children are little, you can still do your best to protect them from sickness, heartache, life.  And even then, insidious diseases like cancer and other terminal illness lurk in the dark murky depths of the plausible, scaring the hell out of you. 

Then they grow up and move ever more into the big bad world that is everyday life.  And your precious darling who now owns your heart has to face things like rejection, betrayal, bullying, teasing, heartache.  It’s like a punch in the gut to think that some day, someone might break my child’s heart, someone might reject them.  Once you have kids, you might as well rip your heart open and expose it to the world.

But besides that stuff, there is the practical, day-to-day stuff.  Stuff that you take for granted.  Stuff that when you are young and single, you think of as your right.  Stuff like sleep.  Sleeping when you want, waking up late.  Forget about it, at least for a while. 

When are you both sick, you will just have to pull yourself together and look after your kids, they need you.  There is no sick leave for mothers.

Hungry?  You first feed your family, then yourself.

Like spontaneity? Yours will have to be the planned, well thought out version.

Like to travel?  Travelling light is a thing of the past.

Life is really no longer about you, or your needs.  Your needs are secondary to those of your child.  And this is how it should be.  For as long as your child needs you, you will have to sacrifice whatever it takes to meet those needs. 

And yes, in the ideal world the child fits into *your* lifestyle (I honestly don’t buy that), or the child’s needs and yours gel in a way that you don’t have to sacrifice any thing (doesn’t always happen I’m afraid), yes this might happen, but sometimes, often, your life is very different once you have a kid or two. Being selfish, or self-absorbed is no longer possible. 

And it is for those reasons (and others) that I am glad I had my children in my thirties – my twenties were a wonderful time of hedonistic pleasure.  I did all the things *I* wanted to do.  It was all about me and my needs.  I feel like I have got that out of my system and I am more than ready to take second or third place to my kids for the next phase in my life.  And who knows, maybe once the kids have grown up it will come full circle and it will be about me and my needs again.  Who knows.  Although I probably wont be partying in quite the same way as I did in my twenties ;-)  Some day I will tell you about my wild youth.  Maybe.  You will probably be horribly shocked.  I might just be excommunicated from the friends in the computer list.

Two Sunday’s ago I went to my sister’s house for lunch.  Lunch was an interesting affair.  The table was beautifully laid out, the food was divine.  The company…well, sparse, really.  We had to eat in shifts – one person ate while the others held babies, gave bottles, wiped snotty noses, rescued crawling toddlers, separated fighting siblings. 

It’s divine, it’s chaotic, it’s wonderful, it’s totally different to my life before kids.  I totally love it, but I also get why people would choose to have a life with just their partner.  Without the chaos, without the sacrifice.  Quite honestly, there is something to be said living childfree, if that is your choice*.

I hope you can read this and know that I am NOT saying I regret having children – oh no.  I am 100% happy with my life – I wish I could have more kids! I am just able to understand the other side’s point of view.

*living childfree because you don’t have a choice, for whatever reason (i.e. infertility) sucks more than any thing in the world.  I am not talking about that kind of childfree.  I am talking about the conscious decision type.

WAIT!  I can NOT believe this – how weird is this…. The woman I was speaking about, the one I used to work with?  I haven’t seen her in over three years.  I saw her today in the shop, AFTER I had written this post!!  Freaky.  I think about her last night, and I see her today.  Coincidence?  I think not.  Weird.  I told her that I was thinking about her and her decision to live child-free, and she said she is still loving her life and her decision.