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Just saw the pictures of your wee babies and I jsut had to leave a note and to say that they are GORGEOUS (which you obviously already know!!) :)

It is even worse when it's the MIL, always comparing the other grandchildren, or introducing them into the conversation when you are trying to tell her something that your darling kids did. Got to the point that I didn't even tell her the important stuff anymore, because I didn't want to hear about my SIL's two kids and how wonderful they were. My other SIL complains about the same thing and it's her Mum.

It takes strength and determination to not compare your children, will you love them any less because they aren't doing the same things that your friends kids are doing? There will be some friends that will show their pleasure over what your children are doing, and some will do the "but mine are doing this" that will make you feel inferior. I quickly learnt which friends were which and that helped keep the "competition" down. Nothing to compete against when I don't tell them what my kids are excelling in... I can honestly say I now belong in the first group of friends, will not compete with my children, but will show love and support to my friends when they tell me something their child has done.

Tertia, your chicklets are right on track, doing what "THEY" want, not what everyone else thinks they should be doing.

Did you point out to SIL that Adam's got the 10cm in a much more important location?

That's what I would have done.

Seriously, we women need to STOP the competitive stuff and work on all the really bad things in the world. If we put 1/10th the energy of competiting into fixing, well, nothing would be left broken.

xoxo

Ugh..competitive parents suck. Every child is different and will accomplish things at their own pace. And something like height is not something to compete about. I'm 5'2'' and I'm every bit as G&D as my 5'8'' best friend.

As far as baby milestones (like sitting up, rolling over, etc) I urge any first time mom to cherish what your child is doing *right now* and not to be to axious to see the next feat. Babies grow so incredibly fast. My daughter just went from 4 days old to 4 years old (this past Thursday) in the blink of an eye. Seriously.

Unless your child has a major disability or delay, he/she is going to be walking,talking and peeing on the toilet by kindergarten. Who cares when it all happens? Enjoy the moment, and feel sorry for the mother who judges her own self-worth by when her baby can sit up, roll over, clap hands, etc.

Living it all again through my infant son, I can tell you I'm in no hurry for him to find his toes, roll over, sit up, etc. I know what that all leads to...a child who will be leaving me for preschool! (Ok, I'm a bit emotional about my daughter being so dang grown-up already)


I think competition can come back to one like a boomerang. Because every child is different and one may be early at sitting and walking and another may be early at talking, toilet training. And in the end...what does it really matter? The important thing to remember is that the child is healthy. Everytime I am tempted to compete, I remind myself of the mothers who have to raise sick children. How hard that must be.

Babes are G & D! You must be very pleased.

When I was in Colombia adopting my babe, one of the Colombians said to me, "never compare, because comparison is hateful." V.v. true.

LOL at Rose's comment! That's so cool! Remind me never to even remotely threaten your kidlets.....I can only imagine what the two of you are capable of together!

Besides, I fully subscribe to the winter thing. My sister never toilet trains in winter (she has 4) , and she is always being compared disfavourably by her Northern Hemisphere rellies who always think her kids are too late ditching the nappies. If they figured it out, the would work out that these kids are all perfectly dry by the end of summer. (Who wants to toilet train when you have to take off tights, pants, trousers and socks. It's much easier just to run around in knickers and a t-shirt.)

My first daughter did everything "late." At age 4 she is totally g&d and on track. My 2nd JUST started walking at 18 mos. I have learned to enjoy whatever they are doing at the moment and to give competitive moms a wide berth. (I have also been known to say, "Oh no, she's not walking yet, bus she _is_ reading Shakespeare." ;)

I don't think it is ALWAYS competitiveness, although I don't deny that there is more of that than there should be. With infants, in particular, you talk about their physical attributes, and what they are doing. That's what there is to discuss. When I ask a mother, "Is he walking yet?" It's not because I want to crow about how early my kids walked (they actually walked late), but because I know that her child is at the age where kids start to walk. When I say my child was an early talker, it isn't because I think this makes them/me better, but because talking is something all kids have in common. People like to talk about their kids, and stats are one of the things they have to talk about.

I had an 11lb 10oz baby vaginally... it's hard not to take extra credit for THAT. =D

Yeah - one minute they've found their toes, and next thing you know, they've graduated from college!

And - Angie, you deserve a medal!

this post cracked me up -- i especially love the end parts about the toe sucking milestone -- WTG Adam (and Kate for not giving a crap)! :)

I think it comes from how, for centuries, a woman's worth was measured by her children and their accomplishments.

And what else was there to talk about? "My man shot another gazelle today?" Which they may have well done, but then the next woman would have to say "Well, my man shot TWO gazelles today".

An 11 pounder does deserve extra credit! But there, I think that's more of the mother's achievement than "just" having a big baby!

Wanted to pipe in here briefly. My son was born huge, 10 lbs. 2.5 oz, 22.5 inches (4.61 kg, 57.15 cm). At 8.5 mos. he is still very large. He wears toddler shoes. At his last appt. he was 95th %ile for height, 89th for weight.

You would not believe the insensitive things the parents of smaller babies say to me. They range from the inane ("wow, what a huge/gigantic/enormous baby!" Uh, yeah, I hadn't noticed) to the downright mean ("I can't imagine what mommy was eating while you were inside," said while looking at my postpartum body critically.)

At least I have a boy. Big boys are culturally okay. My friend with a big girl had people start asking her when she was going to start her big girl on a diet. People talked about how she was going to have to "watch that girl's weght." This started when her girl was less than 3 mos old.

In response I have started addressing my son's height upfront, rather than waiting for the drive-by. My son looks like he's going to be big, and I am not going to let assvice and nasty comments make him insecure about it. I wouldn't say anything, but the nasty comments mean I have to make his size something I celebrate rather than something I am worried about/ashamed of/whatever. So I will talk about his size and I talk about it glowingly if the subject comes up. I'm sorry I have to do this, because I think it's absurd, but it is an entirely a defensive mechanism on my part.

I suspect that at times this comes across as smug, and I hate that. But I don't know what to do. I've had enough nasty comments that I have to keep my guard up, and my husband and I have learned we have to be in the habit of making our son's size something to be proud of - because the rest of the world isn't, and prefers to tear him down because of it.

It's a shame.

The funniest thing is--they don't even get their growth back on track from birth for 6 mo. If you try to compare their height before 6 mo to adult height (retrospectively)--correlations are dismal. Those babes that are born large have slower growth during the first 6 mo and those that are born small have faster. Biology does not make one kid better than another. Birth length means...mostly nothing.

If your child is on the growth chart and never actually appears to "stop" growing before the age of 3=healthy, good, normal.

In some ways bigger is good, more advanced, healthier--but only until you reach "normal" weight and height. If they are normal, then they are doing good.

Maybe they are just jealous because you had two--and dizygotic twins tend to be more androgenous and do better socially then their more femmy/macho peers. So, hah! Beat that other parents!

ok, off the soapbox--nice internet people are not my undergraduate class...

Yep, that's the irony. That same 11lb 10oz baby just had his 3 year check up. 33 pounds, 39 inches. He's between the 50th-75th percentile for weight. 3 years old and still hasn't tripled his birth weight!

What they weigh when they are born has so little to do with what they weigh when the grow up!

Best thing about having large babies: they sleep longer because their tummies are bigger, thus they stay full longer.

Worst thing about having large babies: having your doctor come in and remind you that the large babies you had indicate a high risk for diabetes.

My boys weighed 8'9" and 10' respectively, but they are perfectly average now. Thank God for average!

I've found that the best way to derail one of these competi-moms is by refusing to engage in the comparison! I also like to point out how silly it is to compare babies and children since they all develop at different rates. If someone else wants to be competitive, she can go ahead, but I won't play that game.

Also, to Boulder, a standing ovation! You are soooo right!

I find that I actually go to great lengths to try and NOT come off as competitive. DH (being the proud father he is) LOVES to tell everyone about how early our son did things. I know his intentions are not to say that our child is better than anyone else's, but I always cringe when I hear him start talking about how he walked at 7 months, etc. (Yeah, he's a freak of nature!) I always feel like the other parent thinks he's rubbing it in. I guess I'm at the other end of the spectrum?

It really is ridiculous. We all have our hangups, as mothers, I think. I tried to get Hannah interested in her toes once I saw another older baby doing it - but she would have none of it. She just woke up one morning and had discovered them on her own, with absolutely no help from prying mom.

Fortunately, I'm now too overwhelmingly tired and busy feeling like a failure to care about her size! :)

7 mos old freak of Nature? lol. I have one of those too. My nephew did that for ME when his parents left him with me to go on a weekend vacation. The only thing I loved about that was I got to see his first steps. Unlike his brother, the "SMART" one, he let us carry him around much longer then that.

I have to agree with transmogriflaw about the big baby thing. I feel like I have to defend myself for having a huge baby (10'7" at birth). My son is 10 months old and he weighs 25 lbs and is 32 inches long. When people see a child like that you get the drive-bys. It's like I did something wrong and overate or something. So then I have to explain that I only gained 30 lbs during pregnancy. WTF? My kid is happy and healthy so who the hell cares how big he is? It sucks that as a parent you always seem to be defending your choices or your child. No wonder so many of us ending being such assholes!

Long time no comment,

I miss reading your blog so much!

This post struck cords deep in my heart. I have dealt with competitiveness with my best friend, my MIL and so many other parents its insane. I hate it. I get so many, "Oh wasn't Jimmy only such&such when he was born?" I usually reply, "Um, it was like 15 months ago, why??"

Ack.

I don't have any sage advice.

BTW your kids are beautiful as ever and it seems like you're doing just as beautiful as ever. Congrats...you & Marko are top notch parents and I'd donate a kidney to have help like Rose.

Much love and TTYL

LizM, thanks for posting your story - I'm so glad to hear I'm not the only one who feels the same way. I get so tired of the drive-bys regarding my son's size.

My kid is 11 months and has a vocab that says "dada" "mama" and "yeah." it seems as if everyone else's child can speak full sentences and whatnot.

Then I remind myself I dont have to listen to her asking questions all day and I dont mind the fact that she can't say "What is that?"

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