So Close

My family

Here is a pic from my little sister’s wedding in February.

You will see my dad, mom, Marko with Adam, me with Kate, my little sister Nina and her new husband Paul, my brother Paul and his fiancé Martina, my other sister Melanie and her husband Gary, and their children Daniel, Rebeka and Sofia.  The other people in the picture are Paul’s mother and father (from the UK) and his brother and the brother’s girlfriend – I don’t really know them.

Nice pic isn’t it.

Um, that pic has come out shitty, let me try this one

Ok, wait, more pics - the latest one of the babes with Rose and a v cute one where they are both smiling.  Can you see how completely different my two kids are, in every respect.  Skin tone, colour, looks etc.

The ties that bind

Is it inevitable that relationships change?  That the intensity of relationships fades away?  As you grow up, do you grow apart?

My middle sister and I have always been very close; she has always been my best friend.  There is two and a half years age gap between us.  Since we were little we did every thing together, we were sisters and best friends.  It used to drive me crazy when I was very younger, whatever I did, she wanted to do too.  We are alike in many ways, and very different in other ways.

Our relationship has survived many ups and a few downs, it survived what was a very difficult time for me.  When my sister was 16, and I was 18, she was ‘discovered’ by a model scout.  Within a few months she had appeared on the cover of Cosmopolitan, she had modelled in Milan, Madrid, Munich and many other cities.  My sister definitely got the good looks in the family.  Well ok, my little sister and brother aren’t half bad looking either.  I am probably the least good looking in the family, but that’s ok, I got the brains ;-)

I was very happy for her, for her success, but as I am sure you can imagine, it wasn’t easy for me, the older sister, to feel completely over shadowed by her success.  The hardest of course were all those lovely comments I got, “oh, your sister is so hot, what happened to you”, really good for the self-image.  And I got many of those.  And boy, did they hurt.  But my happiness for her was more than my own feelings of inadequacy. 

But we survived, or at least I survived.  And I was her proudest supporter.  She stopped modelling when she met and fell in love with a guy she ended up dating for six years.  A few months before their planned wedding, she got pregnant.  He couldn’t handle the responsibility and had an affair.  And then left her with a six week old baby.  She was 24 at the time.  The asshole.  When her son was 6 months old I moved in with her and we had a great time playing happy families.  She worked a few night shifts and I used to feed him, bathe him and put him to bed.  I was the ‘dad’.  I was home alone with him when he took his first steps.  So, we were always very close.

Then a few years later, along came my infertility.  And that drove a big wedge between us – my fault, my issue, my problem.  About two years into the process she got pregnant, an oops pregnancy (how’s this for fertile: - she has sex on Saturday, her boyfriend leaves for London on Sunday, she ovulates on Monday and conceives when her boyfriend isn’t even in the same effin country – a few thousand dollars, a few doctors, a few injections and much begging and praying, and I still can’t get it right, blah!).  Which would have been hard enough to deal with as it is.  When you are infertile and someone close to you gets pregnant, it is always hard.  For someone who is not infertile it might sound silly, selfish, childish, whatever you want to call it.  And maybe it is, but that doesn’t matter, all I know is that it hurts, like hell.  It is not that you don’t want them to be pregnant; it is just a constant, in your face reminder that you can’t get pregnant.  It’s difficult to explain.  Of course when it is an ‘oops’ pregnancy, it is even worse.  Oops you’re pg? Oops I can’t get pg.

But what made it worse for me was that it was kept a secret from me, for a while at least.  Every one knew except for me.  I had my birthday party at my house and every single person at my party knew my sister was pregnant, except for me.  And they all knew I didn’t know.  There I was offering her wine and she said no thanks, she would rather have juice.  I still had no idea.  What a fucking idiot I was, I was obviously so fucked up that every one had to spare me the news about my own sister’s pregnancy.  And that made me very very angry. It was done with the best intentions, my sister was trying to protect my feelings, but I was so angry when I found out, I felt betrayed.  I don’t think I have ever been so angry in my life.  It was decided among the family that my mother should break the news to me.  My poor mother.  It took a while for me to get over that, and it was hard to have to live with her pregnancy – again, not her fault - my issue, my problem.

Then after my second pregnancy ended in a miscarriage (her daughter was around 2 months old), I started thinking very seriously about using donor eggs.  Her eggs.  The genetic line was very important to me, I wanted to have something of my mother and father’s genes in my child.  So my very fertile sister seemed like the perfect option.  Somehow along the way miscommunication crept in and I was under the impression that she was not that keen, and it made me very resentful. I couldn’t understand how the person I was closest to, my best friend who had walked along side me through out my journey, who held the keys to my happiness, didn’t immediately jump up and offer an end to my pain.  And so I was angry all over again.  A bigger wedge.  We eventually sorted it out.  But I think the scars remain, even when the wounds have healed.

Then I got pregnant with the boys.  Four months later she got pregnant again. (The first thing I said to myself – when she told me she was pregnant, was ‘I will lose this pregnancy’, somehow I just knew)  Two months after that I lost both boys.  It was very very hard for me to be around her then, I was dealing with my grief, I just couldn’t ‘be there’ for her during her pregnancy.  We had another fall out, again not her ‘fault’ really, it was my loss that was making it hard for me to be around her, it was nothing she did.

Fast forward to today.  One would think that after all of that, now that I have my two children we should be closer than ever.  After all, we had dreamed of this time for so long, when we both had children, they would also be close, things would be great.

Instead there seems to be distance between us, we don’t see each other nearly as often as I thought we would.  I don’t know what it is, but I know she feels it too.  She sent me a message the other day saying that there was too much distance between us, and I agree.

I thought perhaps it was because I am not a happy clapper.  Now that she has become a happy clapper, she is very involved in the church, and they have lots of fellow clapper friends.  I thought that she had moved on. 

The defining moment, for me, came about two weeks ago when we spoke about what would happen to our children if, heaven forbid, something happened to either of us.  I always assumed that my sister would take my kids and I hers.  So I spoke to her and said ‘if something happens to me, would you take my children.  I will obviously take yours’.  Firstly, she didn’t respond with an emphatic yes to take my children and secondly she said that her daughters would go to a friend of her, a clapper friend. I wasn’t angry, I was just shocked. I thought ‘is this where we have got to, that my sister would rather have her kids live with a friend of hers than her sister’.

It made me sad.  Yet, I don’t blame her, I am not angry with her.  This is just the way things are.  Maybe if I was a clapper I would want my children to go to a fellow clapper, I don’t know.  It just made me realize how far we have grown apart.

My sister and I had a chat about it last week, I told her that I felt like because I wasn’t a clapper, I wasn’t part of her new life.  She reassured me it was not like that at all, she had many non-clapper friends.  She said she felt like because she is a SAHM, doesn’t blog and is not online, I didn’t want hang around her.  I told her that wasn’t true at all and that 99% of my writer / blogger friends live in the computer.  That to be honest, Marko and I didn’t have a lot of friends.  We sit at home alone every weekend.

And then I thought about how even though we are at the stage now where we are both mothers, we couldn’t be further apart in our lives.  She is a SAHM, who lives quite far away from where I do (about a 45 min drive), she plays tennis every morning, she does lots of happy clapper church stuff.  I don’t do Moms and Tots, Aquababes, Kindermusik etc. 

My sister is a SAHM, happy clapping, volunteering, tea drinking soccer mom, I am a drinking, cussing, non-clapping, working career mom – are our two lives just too far apart?  Is this just how life is?  Do you move on as you grow up? 

Maybe this is just how things work; maybe this is just the natural order of things.  Maybe as you grow older your lives change in a way that means you have less in common.  Maybe the wounds that infertility has inflicted on both of our lives have left scars that run too deep?  Has the damage that infertility has done been too damning?

Is it possible that the things that make us different are more divisive that the ties that bind us?

I don’t know.  I just know that it makes me feel sad.

Hats off* to the mothers

(*do you use that expression there?  Means ‘I have respect for you, well done, accolades, recognition to etc.  Oh wait, like you say ‘big up’ I think?)

Hats off to the mothers who work out of the home. 
I have worked with working moms all my life.  I never had any idea what an enormous load you carried every single day.  How much work you had already done in your day by the time you arrived at work in the morning.  And then to do it all again when you get home from work.  Most of you with little or no help.

Hats off to the mothers who stay at home.
I will confess to thinking before staying at home was a cushy ‘job’, where you drank tea all day and watched soapies.  I never realized how much hard work it is looking after a small child, all day.  And to be honest, how boring the repetitive routine can become. 

Hats off the mothers of twins who don’t have help
I honestly don’t know how you do it.  Honestly.  You have my utmost respect and admiration. 

Hats off to the mothers of triplets
Triplets?  The mere thought of one more than I already have is enough to make me feel faint.  You must have super powers.

Hats off to the young moms
Having a child is such an enormous responsibility, the young moms have to grow up so quickly, almost too quickly.

Hats off to the older moms
Lordy but this mothering gig is tiring.  I don’t know where you find the energy.

Hats off to the single moms
Because no matter what type of husband you might have, at least you have an extra set of hands to help lighten the load.  Single moms have to do all that by themselves.  They are heroes.

Hats off to the step-moms
It is hard enough dealing with the day to day kid stuff, I can’t imagine having to deal with the added complexity of other mothers, ex wives, maintenance and your vs my weekends.

Hats off to the gay moms
Being a straight mom is fraught with enough opportunities for other people to pass judgment on you and your parenting style, I fear you must get even more judgments than I do.  Every one has an opinion.

Hats off to the new moms
Being a new mom is so scary.  It is the scariest thing I have ever done.  You have my love and sympathy.

Hats off to the experienced moms
How on earth did you know what to do?  How did you manage to come through relatively unscathed?  You are my idol.  One day when I am big, I want to be just like you.

Hats off to the adoptive moms
I wasn’t going to give a separate ‘hats off’ to you, because I don’t consider you any different to the other categories of moms, but I figured you deserved a special mention, if only because you have to deal with dumbass comments like the ‘real’ child / ‘real’ mother thing.  And because your path to motherhood is often not an easy one, and because some of you didn’t get the chance to experience your darling baby’s first few days, weeks or months, that must hurt.

Hats off to the birth moms
I left you out of my original list, and for that I am deeply sorry.  You play such an important role in the path to motherhood for so many.  Your pain so often becomes someone else's pleasure.  Your role is deeply appreciated and not often lauded enough.  Thank you to a special birth mom who showed me the other side of the story.

Hats off to the trying-desperately-to-be moms, to the mothers of lost babies
I know how hard and heartbreaking the journey is.  How much it all hurts.  I wish with all my heart that you get your wish.  Soon.

But mostly, hats off to my mom.
Mother, you raised four kids, you looked after us, you fetched, you carried, you kissed it better.  You cooked, you cleaned, you fed the pets, you ran the household.  You did it all without ever complaining, you did it all with so much love, you did it without ever having a mother do it for you. You are my role model, my hero, you are the best mother in the world.  If I can be even half as good a mother as you are, I will have done extremely well. 

Bloody guestmap thingy

I’ve submitted a help ticket to Bravenet to tell them that the guestmap is dumping some of my friends.  Can’t have that.  Will let you know what they say.  Apologies if you were dumped, wasn’t me, promise.

I was v v impressed when I logged on this morning and saw how many people put their pins on the map.  Look at this screen dump of my inbox.  Look at the time of the emails - hahaha!

WAIT - I've fixed the problem.  It was set up to show only a 100 entries per page. So now there are some duplicates of your entries.  Forking irrirating guestmap thing. 

Should be working now.  Although now I will think I have more friends in the computer than I actually have.  Sigh.  I hate being thick.  Please tell me if you've done more than one entry and I will try and fix it.  Asshole guestmap thing.

More about the family murders thing

A few of you sent me this link - it does appear to be quite prevalent here in SA.

A v interesting article.  Scary.

Guest map thingy

As some of you very intelligent blog readers have noticed, I have a guest map thingy on my blog – look to the right ->

The free version allows for 100 entries, after which they bump off the oldest one (hahahaha – that’s you Boulder, old fart).  I didn’t realize it would get to a 100 so quickly (am obviously V popular) so I have upgraded to the paid version where I am allowed to have more than a 100 friends.  This version apparently made for G&D, cool gals like me.  Yay.

So if you have been unceremoniously dumped from my guest map, please redo your thing.  It wasn't because I don't like you (except for Boulder, but don't tell her that).

V cool to check out where you are all from.

Winner recipe site

You know my search for easy recipes?  Well, a lovely blog reader kindly subscribed me for free to a fabulous recipe thingy that she put together as a resource for people like myself – can’t cook / wont cook / don’t have time to hassle.

She is now v kindly extended her generous offer to the rest of you asshole darling blog readers.  The first 10 subscribers get their subscription free.

Go check out the site, its v v good.

In memory of Luke and Ben

A good friend in the computer, Hyphen, did a beautiful thing.

She did WalkAmerica, the March of Dimes walk, to raise money to prevent and treat prematurity and lit candles for Luke and Ben, I am so touched.

Here are the pics.

Vodacom SMS to email

No net access. Question to ponder: Why is it that men cant smell that the child has a v obviously poopy nappy? Or is it on purpose?

At least it’s over and done with?

You know what I find so strange, is when people say to me “at least you get it all over and done with in one go”, meaning that by having twins I don’t have to go through each stage twice.  As if that is the good thing about having twins.

Well, you know what, the shitty thing about having twins is that it is all over and done with in one go.  I find that sad.  When you have two babies as singletons, you get to experience each stage twice.  I wont have that.  And while the newborn stage is very tough, I wont have a chance to experience that ever again, and surely it has to be easier the second time around, if just for the fact that you know it does get better.  I wont ever again have the stage of new babies, of little three month olds etc.

Why do people want to wish away their child’s early days?  I want to enjoy and live in the moment of every single stage, yes, even the not so nice ones.  I don’t want to ‘get it over and done with’, I want to live in and love those moments.  The sleepless nights, the fragile newborn stage, the just learning to smile stage, each stage is so special, it is such a privilege to go through that with your child.

It does make me a little sad.  Small things, like looking at their newborn clothes, thinking I am never going to have another chance to dress up a tiny body in those clothes. 

Does this make sense?

It just seems crazy to me to wish away the time.  I don’t know if it is because of my history, but I don’t want any stage ‘over and done with’, it passes so quickly any way.  I know having twins is special, and I am very lucky, but a small part of me wishes I could have spaced them out a little. 

I know that many fertile mothers think the same way I do.  So I am not saying it is only the infertile mothers who feel this way.  But the one good aspect of infertility is that when you do succeed, you don’t want to wish away a single moment.  I never want to look past my kids, I want to look at them, drink them in, love every single moment.  In fact, I wish time would slow down!  The little buggers are getting so big so quickly.