At least it’s over and done with?

You know what I find so strange, is when people say to me “at least you get it all over and done with in one go”, meaning that by having twins I don’t have to go through each stage twice.  As if that is the good thing about having twins.

Well, you know what, the shitty thing about having twins is that it is all over and done with in one go.  I find that sad.  When you have two babies as singletons, you get to experience each stage twice.  I wont have that.  And while the newborn stage is very tough, I wont have a chance to experience that ever again, and surely it has to be easier the second time around, if just for the fact that you know it does get better.  I wont ever again have the stage of new babies, of little three month olds etc.

Why do people want to wish away their child’s early days?  I want to enjoy and live in the moment of every single stage, yes, even the not so nice ones.  I don’t want to ‘get it over and done with’, I want to live in and love those moments.  The sleepless nights, the fragile newborn stage, the just learning to smile stage, each stage is so special, it is such a privilege to go through that with your child.

It does make me a little sad.  Small things, like looking at their newborn clothes, thinking I am never going to have another chance to dress up a tiny body in those clothes. 

Does this make sense?

It just seems crazy to me to wish away the time.  I don’t know if it is because of my history, but I don’t want any stage ‘over and done with’, it passes so quickly any way.  I know having twins is special, and I am very lucky, but a small part of me wishes I could have spaced them out a little. 

I know that many fertile mothers think the same way I do.  So I am not saying it is only the infertile mothers who feel this way.  But the one good aspect of infertility is that when you do succeed, you don’t want to wish away a single moment.  I never want to look past my kids, I want to look at them, drink them in, love every single moment.  In fact, I wish time would slow down!  The little buggers are getting so big so quickly.

Comments

[Lila]

Keep those tiny little things for your grandchildren ;-)

[Jean]

Much as I love my girlies twin are a bit of a con, time to enjoy their baby days is so limited and passes in a blur of trying to keep all the balls in the air at once! I have a older child too and kick myself for not realising that I needed to savour every moment of him. At 42 and with a 'snipped' husband theres no chance of another baby for me....doesn't stop me getting really broody though!
You are right to enjoy these days all too soon they'll be arguing back and monopolising the TV remote!!

[Melany]

I totally agree with you. I love every stage. I don't want to miss a thing. Not even the sleepless nights, when everyone else is sleeping and it's just me and the little one. I love all of it.

[tess]

i know what you mean...

the days are long but the years go swiftly.

[Boulder]

When I thought I was going to have twins, I spent quite a few nights staring at the ceiling, thinking "everything x2 at break-neck speed. How will I ever remember it all in the craze that will be our daily life?"

Very natural to feel the way you do, I think. I also believe firmly that while you are chasing your dream because of IF, that when you achieve your goal and then realize there is no more of that chase, you have a mourning for what won't happen again. Not that you want to experience the drama of it, but that the stage of pursuit is over.

Like a good book - you want to drink in every word, every image, each character. And with each new chapter unfolding before you, there is a realization of the chapter you've finished. As you near the end of the book, you realize that you have to relish each word.

Love to hear how much you are drinking in this experience, and I'm saddened for you that your "chase" is up, because I know how you'd love to have another go at it.

[Christel]

yes, I find it sad also

[Tatiana]

One moment they are still your babies, the next they are all independent and grown up. And all you have is a heavy photo album with wonderful pictures of your babies...

[blackbird]

I do know what you mean -- I meant to savor every second of babyhood and ended up having them many years apart...purposely.
But I have decided that the last traces of babyhood leave them when they learn to read!
So you have miles to go.

[juliejulie]

my daughter did not come to us as an infant - she was just over a year. soooo many people have said 'well, at least you missed being up all night with a baby' or 'arent you glad you didnt have to go through preg and delivery?'

i would gladly have gone through it if i could. many times over.

[Colleen]

I couldn't agree more! Stuart is only 4 days old today and already I am telling myself to value and savour each and every hour of him. I find myself just gazing at him sleeping.

[Dana]

I know just what you mean. My baby girl is 4 months now, and my son is 3 years, and knowing that I won't - that I can't - have any more little newborn noises, that this is it, makes me snuggle my baby tighter, makes me slow down on what I expect of my son as a "big boy". The thought that I have less than ten years before they won't want to cuddle with their mother just kills me. Cherish every moment, and don't ever wish any away. I sure as hell don't!

[Louise]

Yes, that's the reason I had my children four years apart. Remember reading a "stats" sheet at the hospital after DD was born, and crying, knowing that she will only be at "home" with us for twenty years or so. Showed a graph of the average life, 20 years is such a small percentage....

Enjoy every minute with them, it's not the quantity of time you are with them, it's the quality, make the most of it.

[L.]

Okay, okay -- I admit, I`m one of those mothers who experienced THE DARK SIDE, so I think I understand where the "lucky to get it over with" people are coming from. (In fact, I might even be guilty of having uttered those very words to friends with twins....)

The first year of my oldest son`s life was by far the worst year of my life -- I was in a strange city where I had no friends, family or job, and my husband was working long hours every day and frequently traveling. I had no experience with infants before becoming a mother -- and my son was one of those amazing babies who only needed 8-9 hours of sleep a day. He would sleep for 4 hours at a stretch, and then wake up every half hour....and he wouldn`t nap for longer than 20 minutes until he started walking.
I was not infertile, although it took us a year and a half to conceive him -- but he was a very much-wanted and much-loved baby. So I was not at all prepared when the triple whammy combination of severe sleep deprivation, social isolation and post-partum hormones hit me like a truck! When people said to me, "Enjoy these precious days," I truly had NO IDEA what they were talking about. ENJOY? How about, SURVIVE?

I don`t even remember conceiving our second baby, which is how much of a daze I was in, but I dimly recall thinking that if we were going to have more than one kid, I wanted to GET IT OVER WITH.

And wouldn`t you know it -- our daughter was one of those babies who slept 20 hours a day -- I had to wake her up to feed her. I actually had the time and energy to think about how cute she was. I also had the energy to join a gym with daycare and a mothers` group, and do some part-time work, too.

Five years after our daughter, we had our last one, another son. My friends who remember the horrible time I had after the first one were amazed, and some even assumed he must have been an "accident."

Sorry for the long comment -- but I do understand how people`s experiences can be totally different. At least in the end I came to fully appreciate why these days are so precious, and I wish I could freeze time and enjoy every moment with all of my kids, over and over.

[anna_marie]

you're SO right. I had 3 singletons, and STILL want to stop the clock every single moment.

[anna_marie]

wanted to add: it doesn't get better, even after 3 singletons!

[Bee]

Indeed we should not wish away our children's or our lives. Spend so much time in the future or the past and simply not enough in the gift that is the present! Shoowaah feeling DEEP today. Stop drinking at Nose Bar / Tow Bar / Stinky Foot Bar. I NOSE where you are - mwahahahaha!

[Krissy]

I often feel guilty when I'm home. I have just the one, but I work five days a week and he grows so fast. I'm going to school and my husband is working and there are things to do to keep the house from falling into a garbage-filled, stinkey state. Cats to care for, walks to take, food to make.

Sometimes I feel like I'm rushing from one moment to the next, putting him in the pack-n-play so I can change the laundry and then transferring him to the excersaucer to do the dishes.

It often occurs to me that he'll only look like this once. That he'll only be this size, with these preferences, once in his life. Sometimes I put everything down and just stare at him and make him smile.

Last night he got home from day care where he refused to nap, and fell asleep for the night at 6:00pm. I didn't get to see him at all.

He's so precious and every minute is stolen time. I couldn't be a stay-at-home mom for a thousand reasons, but I wish I could. I wish I had the time just to watch him grow.

Of course, he's a really easy baby. I bet number two will be a nightmare baby who never sleeps and hates everything and we'll have to close our eyes and just try and get through the days with willpower alone.

[mopsy]

You are so wise, tertia, to recognize this! When I was a first time mom I eagerly looked for each new milestone, not savoring where my daughter was *at that moment in time*.

Tomorrow isn't promised to any of us. Each day of your childrens lives should be deeply inhaled---even those bad days.

One of my old professors used to say, "If you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future, you piss all over today."

[malone]

I want my 4month old dd to stay how she is for at least another 6 months even though she still doesnt sleep through the night.

I don't care about a single other milestone - the smiling and laughing are all I want. I just can't get enough of being able to hold her, snuggle her, give her 1000 kisses all over her little checks and belly and listen to her giggle with such joy.

This post made me realize how glad I am a quit my job, although in 30 days I will be in the land of private practice and have no idea how I will do - I know I will have more giggles to hear and smiles to see. Coming from a type A, previously very driven woman - this is something else.

I dred the day she doesn't want me to kiss her little tummy anymore.

It saddens me that if I want to try for another one I have to do it before I would want (I'm 37 w/2 IVFs to get Kate) b/c I would love to have another infant once dd is a little older. Of course, it really saddens me that I may not be able to have another.

It's funny how the bad stuff fades - just a few weeks ago I surprised myself by seriously doubting if I could do it again or if I would want to - she was so hard as a 2-12 week old. Now I want to have 100.

I can so relate to your feelings. Those two babes get cuter everyday.

[Ninotchka]

Good for you, T! Even through the hard parts I always find myself saying "this is my favorite age." Each stage can be tiresome and frustrating but also rewarding and uplifting in its own way. :)

[Kathy]

I may have posted this before - if so, I apologize. I never wished away a stage - even the terrible 2's!

"Cooking and cleaning can wait 'til tomorrow
'cause babies grow up, we've learned to our sorrow.
So fly away cobwebs; dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep."

[Stacey]

My daughter is about to turn 10 months old, and I find myself getting teary when I watch her crawl or try to walk.

It's amazing. And I'm not a big believer in miracles, but damn...watching them grow sure is one.

[Michelle]

It seems like yesterday I was holding my 2 week old baby girl in my arms crying because one day she was going to grow up.

Flash to today and you will find her a junior in high school finishing up her final exams.

My baby is all grown up and it happened so fast.

[Danielle]

It makes perfect sense, Tertia. In just a few short months my daughter is so different and I know she'll just keep growing and changing, so I try to remind myself to savor where we are and what we're doing, right now. I wouldn't want this time to be going any faster than it already is.

[Cursingmama]

Last night I had to go through our photographs to find some for Princess to use for a class project. I discovered several things:
1.) I suck a taking photographs
2.) I should be ashamed for not puting them in books of any kind and should make this a priority.
3.) I wish I remembered more of when the children were little, and the photos really brought those memories out of the recesses of my mind.
I want my children to grow and change, and I want them to get through the difficult stuff, but I also want to hang on to all the things that melt your heart. Too bad it can't go both ways...too bad no matter what I do they keep getting bigger and more independent. My son even has a girlfriend now, seems like just yesterday he was learning to pee in the yard.

[LEB]

Absolutley ... that's why I'm jumping on the band wagon again in 3 weeks time.

It goes terrifyingly quickly.

[Kathy]

Boy you brought up some emotions for me and probably for a lot of others as well. I try and make each day special. I want to enjoy every moment of my childrens lives...the good and the bad. Time is just going by too fast. I wish I could bottle up these special moments and be able to experience them again in the future. The emotions I have with my children will never be duplicated.

[karla]

I was just looking at pictures of my two boys and thinking the same thing. When Christian got his first tooth a month ago I cried. Partly because I was happy and so grateful to get to experience another first, and partly because he is growing so damn fast. It seems just yesterday I was sweating and worrying my way through a long awaited pregnancy and now here he is crawling, babbling, getting teeth etc... I just take every opportunity I can to stop and hold him and smell him because he is my last baby and I don't want to rush a single day.

[Rachel]

Oh my gosh, I could have written that post. I look at Lucy and think, "Man! She is HUGE!" I just want to bottle up what she is like, right now. When we lost her twin, that is the one "good" thing that I could come up with...I would get to have another pregnancy and babyhood to enjoy, as we are probably only going to have 2 kids. I have the video camera out all the time! :)

Thanks for this post.

They are ADORABLE.

Rachel

[Liz]

Interesting...while I don't disagree with your post in any way (have no reason to as I'm not yet interested in having kids :)), I wonder if you would have written this post two months ago? I'm thinking of your post about how forgetting how hard those first few months might be nature's way of helping women want more than one pregnancy...so I wonder now, in retrospect, how do you feel about that? Do you REALLY want to go through that difficult time again?

Liz, a frequent lurker :)

[Kel]

I was trying to explain to a much younger, says she'll probably never have kids co-worker about what is so great about having kids. I rambled on and on about the magic and seeing him grow, and seeing X-mas through his eyes after seeing them only through my own for 40 years, etc., etc.

But on the way home, I realized I'd missed it. I didn't say, "Having children makes time stop; maybe just for that instant when you're pulling the blanket up before you turn off the nightlight and your chest feels like its going burst, or that other moment when he looks at you from the bath water and sees that his fingers are wrinkled and wants you to fix it, or when he rolls over and is stunned to be in a new place, etc., etc., etc."

Only a few times in my life as time stopped and I wasn't moving so fast I didn't miss it (the moment I met my significant other, solving a very difficult professional problem, the death of a best friend).

Most of the time, I think I was looking beyond my own moments because "happiness" was just around the corner (when I got the new car, that job, that date).

My son (and soon to be daughters, ohmygod) make time stop and happiness happen right before my eyes. I work at devouring every moment that it happens.

Kel

[Gina]

People that say silly things like that are well.....just silly. I don't understand these mothers that are just going through the motions and holding on until their kids are off to college. Why on earth did you have children in the first place? And I am the one "not meant to have kids. " LOL!

My 4 yr old still likes to be carried. You know what? As long as I physically able I am going to carry him. I proudly carry him through the mall and scoff at all the looks. Some woman even had the nerve to say something. (excuse me, is there a reason you are talking to me??) I just smile and ignore. Lady, you don't have time to hear about the 1800 days that I begged for this child so how about minding your own business?

Enjoy Tertia! Enjoy every minute because it is true when you hear it goes by so fast.

You give those little precious babies big hugs and tons of kisses.

PS I also kiss both children excessively. All the time where ever they want to and even whenever I want to. Also to some interesting looks. Screw em.

[Terri]

They do grow fast. It became apparent to me over the weekend how big my baby boy really is.

*tears*

Terri

[Carrie]

I SO agree with you. They grow up and change so quickly! We adopted a baby from Guatemala. Thru all the headaches and problems with the adoption process, the thing that was hardest was knowing that our little girl was growing and doing new things and we were missing it. I missed her first smile. It kills me. I can't imagine wishing away anything from this time, even the dirty diapers.

[expat]

yes, that. What you said.

[Tracey Dixon]

I've often thought the same as what you've expressed. If I ever have the chance to hold my own child, I don't want each stage to end... the good ones and the bad ones. Each will only happen one time.

[lgirl24]

I couldn't agree more.

[Tania]

Oh, it bothers me so to hear people say that type of thing, even to the point when some of my friends have complained that their children won't go to sleep on their own, or they need to lie down with them etc etc....I don't want my daughter to grow up too fast and too soon. She is already almost 3 and I am soaking up the days with her. Part of it is that she was a "fertility" baby and I also lost a little boy at 20 weeks preg this past Feb (05) so I completely understand where you are coming from. No matter how frustrated you get remember they grow up soooo fast....

[projgen]

You guys are all making me so teary. I have always said that no matter how sleep deprived I am, no matter how sick and tired I am of changing diapers, listening to crying babies that just. won't. stop. and cleaning puke and poop off of myself and everything I own, I will still find a way to treasure every moment.

You all have made me more determined than ever to remember that promise to myself, if I am so blessed as to have a successful IVF. Thank you.

[kat]

Yup, they grow so fast. I think they magically grow in their sleep thus making me miss important parts!

[andrea]

I often think that if I had twins I would feel like I was missing out a bit. Missing out on comparing two pregnancies, missing out on looking for the same signs of development in no.2 as no.1 - don't think that made much sense really!

[Karen]

I know--but in a different way. My daughter will be close to a year when she comes, so I won't have ANY newborn baby stuff. I will NEVER experience that. So I know. I totally know. I won't get to experience pregnancy, either. It's really hard. I try to focus on what I do have, now, because otherwise I'd go crazy with longing.

Your babies are beautiful, T.

[amy]

I have a friend who also had her twins (B/G) after years of infertility. She feels the same way you do. And incredibly blessed she got 'one of each' since she knew there would only be one go around.

When my first born started growing up I found myself not yearning for another baby but HIS babyhood back dammit!

[Meg]

I once read a quote, "childhood is a journey, not a race" , thats always stuck with me, I can't fathom why anyone wants to rush it either, time marches on regardless.

[alana]

Me, I am just so freakin' happy for you Tertia. After reading about your entire journey here on the blog.. to read this entry today is like sunshine pouring out of the computer. Enjoy every day... your babies are gorgeous.

[Sheridan]

Thank you for this. It came at a good time. My baby is nearly 6 weeks old and after a sleepless night I have just been wishing that he would get over this stage. I'm tired, he's tired and I long for the "better" stage. And he was a much longed for IVF baby, and I still feel like I want to wish it away.

But you are right. I will only have this time once. Thanks for the reminder. I will go kiss those tiny toes and hands and snuggle him close to me and remember that he will never be this tiny again.

Thanks Tertia
xx

[ingrid]

~Small things, like looking at their newborn clothes, thinking I am never going to have another chance to dress up a tiny body in those clothes~

Oh, I know, Tertia, I know! I look at the bits and pieces I leftover from their babyhoods (10 and 13 years ago) and my heart aches. You are doing well to remember to savor it now. I savored my first; with my second, I was completely overwhelmed (extenuating circumstances beyond normal todderhood) and I wished it all away, and oh how I regret it. Spacing kids out is ideal, but even then it doesn't always work out as you'd like.

The real tragedy is having to live your life chronologically. It would be nice to be able to spend time in the midst of baby days, but then take breaks in the middle school years, when they're never around.

[Mete]

I agree. I'll be honest... I've had moments where I wished my 1 year old would stop crying and just TELL me what he wanted. That he would go to sleep already instead of waking up 3 or 4 times a night. But those moments quickly pass, and I try to memorize every other moment.

I get criticized for the fact that he usually goes to bed at 9 or 10 pm. But we work full time... if he went to bed at 6 or 7, we'd never see him. He has his whole life to go to bed early, but these are days we can never get back.

[J]

You know, I usually don't like any sentence that starts with "at least". Its typically delivered as some sort of consolation, and usually makes me feel worse about whatever 'at least' I should be grateful about.

[Angela]

Mete made a great point. My son too goes to bed late because we work. I was lucky enough to be home with him for 21 months. Now I work away from home, and away from him. If he went to bed when people "say" he should, I'd NEVER see him. Ryan still shares our bed...because HE wants to. I cherish it. Sometimes I think how I would like to have my bed back to myself (well my husband and I), and then I think about how I'll have YEARS AND YEARS without Ryan there, I'd better love it now. Then I snuggle up to him and breath in that beautiful baby/toddler smell and fall back to sleep with a smile.

[M.]

I'm with L. Those of use with PPD couldn't savor every moment. There certainly were moments of joy, but more hours of desperation. When I look at the pictures, I see how lovely my daughter was (and I knew it at the time, too) but I search my own face to see if I can tell what was below the surface smiles. I'm happy for those of you who can enjoy your babies in a more balanced way! I truly am.

[Debbie]

I know exactly what you mean. I have never said, "I can't wait until she---" I can wait. I try to always love the right now.

[L.]

When a mother uses the phrase "GET IT ALL OVER WITH" to another mother, try to remember she`s only speaking from her own experience -- and it`s easy to guess from her words that she must have had a harder time than you`re having.

During the first awful year of my older son`s life, I felt as if I had no right to complain about anything because people kept telling me how "lucky" I was. And I logically knew I was -- my baby and I were healthy and I was able to stay at home with him. This made me feel even worse and even guiltier about my black mood that just wouldn`t lift, and so I kept my mouth shut and didn`t seek any help.
My PPD was relatively mild -- I figured, since I had no thoughts of actually harming myself or my baby, I must therefore be ALL RIGHT, and I just needed to stop complaining. But I thought I must be a truly heartless person for not being able to fully appreciate my loved and much-wanted baby.

I know this isn`t a post about PPD so I won`t go on and on, but as someone who actually understands why some mothers talk about wanting to "GET IT OVER WITH," I hope that no one takes it too personally when someone says those words. It`s more about their own experience than yours, and they usually deserve sympathy, not scorn.

[Sarcastic Journalist]

I know what you mean. I'm trying not to wish everything away and try to remember to enjoy the moment.

It can be hard, though.

[Heidi]

I've always felt the same way. I was worried that I would end up with twins when we did IVF and then never get to experience infancy and babyhood another time. My husband used to say that too....about getting our two all at once rather than one at a time. I never understood it. I enjoyed each and every moment and NEVER wished away time with either child, but especially my first since I wasn't sure I'd ever get another chance. It still went way to fast and I mourn a little bit as my children grow out of their clothes. My son just had his 1st birthday and I'm coming to terms with the fact that there probably won't be another baby in my future, but it doesn't stop me from hiding the bouncy seat and Baby Bjorn up in the attic. I'm not ready/able to part with those things just yet. It's simply too hard.

[Alana]

Just to clarify, not happy that you are feeling blue about their babyhood passing... just happy that you are "living and loving every moment". It's also very enlightening to me as I have twins (IVF) on the way. All the best - Alana