Why I don’t just pack my bags and leave

Some of you asked why I don’t just leave if things are so bad here in South Africa.  I would like to answer that question.

Firstly, I am sorry if the picture I painted sounded all bad, it isn’t.  There are bad parts, sure, but there are bad parts in every country in the world.  I love living here, South Africa is a wonderful country, in so many ways.

There’s the weather.  Sounds trivial but it is very important to me. I could never live in the cold parts of Europe for example, I would shrivel up and die.  I need the warmth.  That cold miserable weather would depress me.

Then there’s the space.  We have so much space here in Africa.  It is such a wonderful open feeling.

There’s the people.  People are so friendly here, so warm and caring.  Here in Africa it is the feeling of community, of collectivism that is prevalent.  I know that must sound strange for countries like America where individualism is the order of the day.  Here in SA the spirit of Ubuntu is encouraged. Ubuntu means I am who I am because of you.  It is about togetherness, community, villages, family, respect.

We have something like the second or third best drinking water in the world, we drink out the taps.  We have excellent medical facilities, we have excellent infrastructure, banking, mobile technology etc.  South Africans have many world firsts.  For a small country we kick some serious ass, in many fields.

There’s the sense of excitement and opportunity as the new South Africa emerges, it is like watching a child grow up.  Full of promise.  I don’t want to miss that.

Then, what would it be like if all the educated people left?  What would we leave behind?  Wouldn’t that be abandoning the country that gave birth to you?

Then, this is my home, this is where my roots are.  I don’t know if I could ever feel a sense of belonging in another land.  I am the type of person who needs to feel deep roots.

Lastly, and most importantly, I could never, ever leave my mother and father.  I know that might sound pathetic, but I am who I am because of them.  Without them I would feel incomplete.  I am the eldest out of four kids, but my father calls me the baby, and maybe I am, but I can’t be away from my mother and father.  My little brother and sister live overseas, and I know they miss my parents terribly as well. 

This is my land, my home, my family, my history.  How can I just leave it all behind?

Comments

[neety]

Sounds good to me. Although you might also enjoy living in north Queensland. :-)

[neety]

Oh - north Queensland being in Australia.

Of course, we don't have lions. But we have lots of other furry animals, like wombats! They're lovely! :-)

[Boulder]

Whenever I see an advertising piece on SA, I stop and drink it in because of you & your writings. I look at the pages & think - this is T's home. I couldn't see you ever leaving either. Your passion for your country shows even in your posts about the negatives, because you see how it impacts you and how you are willing to interact with lifes challenges so that you can stay put.

I think the world needs more Ubuntu, and less looking out for number one. As an outsider to SA, I have great hopes for your collective future as well.

Hoping to be a tourist to your country someday~

xoxo

[Jillian]

I know why you could leave! So your kids wouldn't have to grow up with bars on their windows. Do you really feel comfy letting them ride their bikes around when they are 10 without you running by their sides? From what I've read of your descriptions, you shouldn't feel comfy doing that. Because if Kate ever got raped, and it sounds like the chances are much higher there than in many places, you'd never forgive yourself.

You've never lived in a place where you DIDN'T need bars on your windows, but living in somewhat lurking fear of one's safety does a number on the pshycological profile over time. Not like you'll be crazy, you're so obviously not!, but something about your feelings of security/trust.

There really are lots of places with sun and lots of space, and believe it or not, a community spirit. Don't generalize; although in USA we are individualistic more than other places, there are a lot of places, many of them in California, that have a very very community spirit. You'd fit right in.

Your parents, of course, is another issue. If you feel so strongly, then you musn't leave.

I'm just saying don't close your mind immediately because you think nowhere else can be as pretty, wide-open, and community-minded. There are other places like that that don't involve violence and bars on the windows!

[Dona]

De-lurking to say first off, I'm thrilled with the direction you have taken your blog. I could hear baby stories all day, but a little culture mixed in is so nice. I would love to see South Africa someday.

But...don't underestimate community in America. I have lived in a lot of places (Army wife) and found support and love from many new neighbors who welcomed me with open arms-much like an on-line community!

Now, another SA question that I think you should address. South African wine...the good the bad and the ugly...please, do a wine post!!

One last thing...there's no place like home...there's no place like home...

[Suz]

I've learned so much about the country through reading your words and your deep love of it shines through clearly. I can't imagine you anywhere else, either. Like Boulder, I would love to visit someday.

[mijk]

Too bad for that dutch passport bust well you can't use it. Would be such a shame if you came here and then shriveled and died.. (Funny though I would never wanna miss the changing of the seasons and the snow and even the rain when biking from work..)

Mijk

[Karyn]

First off, Jillian, what the fuck? Why would you ever write something so awful to Tertia? As if rape is only prevelant in SA, and Kate will be victimized unless they move. Jesus Christ.

Second, I love SA wine as well. An excellent reason to stay nearby the source.

Third, here in rural Manitoba, Canada, almost every other Doctor is from SA. They are the most competent doctors I have ever come across, and I breathe a sigh of relief everytime one of them is on duty in the emergency, because I know my children will be in comptent, caring hands. It must be wonderful to live i na country that is full of these pleasant, well trained doctors.

Fourth, the pictures you have sent from near your house are gorgeous. What a beautiful sight to see every day.

Fifth, what a rich cultural heritage your children will be raised in. Yes, there are black spots, but where are there not? No place in the world is perfect.

Sixth, family. It is wonderful and important to live near family, so that you children get a sense of themselves through their extended family. We live an hour from my parents, and my kids have a wonderful relationship with them. We live a three day drive from my husband's parents, and as nicve as they are, my kids barely see them once a year and don't really know them at all.

Seventh, the warmth. I love Canada, especially Manitoba, but here it is on April 30th SNOWING out my window. What the Fuck. Time to move.

Tertia, do what makes you happy and Marko happy and your children happy. It doens't matter where you live, as long as you are all happy. To me, it sounds like SA is what makes you happy.

[karyn]

Have just reread post and realized that "black spots" might come off seeming appallingly racist, when what I meant was 'bad spots', nothing to do with skin colour. I meant that appaling things have happened in many countries, not just SA. SO sorry for any unintentional meaning.

[delurker]

Hey, guess what, Jillian! I live in California, and I have bars on my windows.

[Judy]

Tertia - I am like you - I stay close to my roots. My parents and I live in the same state in the US, but we are still over 5 hours' drive from them. It breaks my heart. I am definitely a daddy's girl (and a momma's girl, too! LOL) and wouldn't move for the world, mainly because of them.

As I see it, there are plusses and minuses to living anywhere in the world. You stay where you are comfortable AND happy. I think the fact that you are witnessing the birth of a basically "new" nation is amazing and exciting. What a unique and incredible opportunity.

Not that I wouldn't LOVE to have someone like you for a neighbor (psst - there's a house behind me that's for sale), but as much as I love my homeland, I know you love yours, too. And that's the way it should be.

[twizzle]

Jillian:

What a bloody horrible thing to say to Tertia! Let the woman live where she wants to live! Do you have any idea how much it hurts to have some ignorant stranger conjure up images of your daughter's rape? Just reading the words on my screen made me cringe! Why don't you go back to your uneducated, Springer-watching, suburban little life and keep your hateful and judgemental comments off of Tertia's blog!

[Lioness]

Jillian, that comment of yours was a tad unintelligent for reasons that are obvious to most people, I dare say. But above all, it is bad kharma. Truly bad kharma. You take cover now.

I hope you do not live in a country where anyone can, say, buy guns, or you will either have to move as well to protect your children, or clad them in full-body armour. If you do choose to move, finding a TOTALLY safe country/state may be difficult - but I hear the violence level over at the Sea of Tranquility is still rather low.

[bebs]

Tertia, I followed your entries for a while because I find your tone sober and mature. I live abroad (BTW, am from the sunny Mediterrenean but live in cold Northern Europe... and haven't shrivelled up yet)and am closer to my parents then ever. I am what I am because of them, but that doesn't have much to do with the physical distance between us. We love and care for each other and see each other as often as we can. We talk on the phone almost everyday. The love and affection to your parents is not measured with the physical distance. I understand what you mean, but your way of putting is was very anti-tertia.

[Kathy]

Jillian - where do you live? Is there a country without crime?

Just curious.

[becky]

Tertia, I'm not sure if I missed it, but I'd LOVE to hear what brought your family to South Africa to begin with! Were your parents the first generation? The 2nd? Where did they come from orignally and why did they decide to go to SA? And what about Marko's family? Are the recent immigrants or have a long history in the country?

I think it's neat you want to stay and watch your country get better. In many ways, it seems like your country is where ours (the US)was about 40 years ago with the beginning of the civil rights movement. What an exciting time to be a part of! Hopefully you guys will make progess faster than we did.

[Linda]

That is a great answer to the question.
Also, I think staying near your mother and father is probably one of the best reasons someone can give for staying where they are! Family is very important. I feel the same way.

[becky]

Oh! And I totally second the request for some wine disussions! Give us the dirt!

[Ingrid]

We have very close friends who immigrated from Jo'burg to the states, largely because of the crime.

Obviously, they made a different choice than you did, and yet what they talk about the country they left behind, it makes me want to visit.

Tertia, it's so interesting hearing your take on the same issues, especially crime. In any case, I can understand why you stay.

When my 10 year old is 18, we plan to "do" Africa with our South African friends. Yes, I know the boys won't want their elderly parents along, but too bad, I can't wait to see it all.

[Gabrielle]

I was going to respond to Jillian's idiotic comment about California being so open and free of violence but that's been nicely taken care of already (obviously she doesn't live in a big city). Instead I'll tell you that there is absolutely nothing pathetic about wanting to stay close to your parents. That is a very real reason many people remain in the place where they grew up, and in many cultures this is accepted, even expected, behavior. I would not want to leave my family or friends either. And it is not the same talking to them on the phone as it is being able to see them in person. My mom died 5 years ago and there is not one single day that I do not wish I could spend more time with her, shopping, going out to eat or sitting down for a nice chat.
So, in my humble opinion, you didn't fuck up with that post at all. Keep it up there.

[anon]

Hey everyone,
Tertia lives where she wants and obiviously she knows south africa way better than you. so who the fuck are you to tell her what to do?
jesusssss

[Lisa]

I can't imagine some total stranger chiding me for not moving to another entire country and continent because of some strange preconceived notion of what the crime level is like where I live. Tertia, you've obviously lived a very rich and happy life in SA and every one of your reasons for not leaving are valid. Things can't change for the better if good people don't stay where they are to help facilitate that change. Oh and I want to second the request for info on how and when your family arrived there, that would be so interesting!

I know a woman who works for an oil company in Angola and traveled around SA by herself. Most of her friends were horrified that she did this but she knew enough to keep herself safe, which is how it is in every part of the world, isn't it?

[Bridgette]

Jillian, that was mean, hurtful, and completely un-called-for!

[eve]

I just don't even know where to start, Tertia. I hope you don't feel like you have to justify your choice to remain in your home country to anybody. It is your choice and therefore it is outside the realm of anything we should judge.

Jillian's comments were meant to spark fear, and not open communication. There are places with bars on the windows in California (my neighbor's house included). And, unfortunately, I don't know any part of the world where any woman is truly safe from abuse - so we do the smart things where we are to protect ourselves. That's a way of life for women everywhere, so short of moving to another planet, that's reality.

I feel that Jillian is wearing the cultural goggles of where/how she lives and looking at you through them. Doesn't work because the view is distorted when we look at others through our own filters.

Maybe others would not choose to live in SA. OK, totally valid. But that doesn't mean that YOUR choice to do so is any less wise, valid, or respectable.

[Angela]

My god Jillian, your comment about rape was so uncalled for. Do you have a daughter??? Please think about how hurtful such a comment can be. Unfortunately, NOWHERE is safe in this world - it's part and parcel of human nature. I live in Sydney, Australia, and yes, we have bars on windows here as well. I don't have a problem with that.

[Anne]

I am disgusted with Jillian's comment...if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Makes my skin crawl! Don't know where she lives (and don't care either if anyone else there is like her) but it must be some *amazing* place...or else it's cloud cuckoo land.
Push off and keep your opinions to yourself, Jillian.

[andrea]

Um WTF...there is a little town about 20 minutes from my place where crime, rape, incest, family violence are rampant - am I planning to emmigrate because of it - NO of course bloody not!

[madwoman]

Tertia--

I can completely understand why you wish to live in SA--it is your home. I cannot understand why anyone would choose to question your motives for living there. I am so sorry that you have been put on the defensive by such awful people.

[hazel]

I have always been told you can't argue with ignorance and I truly believe it.

I would just like to say, I live in one of the most affluent suburbs of Boston which is one of the most expensive places in the US to live. There are no bars on the windows here, everyone says hello and is very friendly, nobody locks their door (except for us, we are from Ireland where everyone locks up and turns on the alarm at night) and the crime rate is very low.

I checked the sex offender’s registry for my area recently and found that there are 10 level 3 registered sex offenders living in the next town over. It just goes to show, things aren't always what they seem.

Tertia, only you know what's best for your family!

[M]

I live in California, with bars on my windows so maybe I should move to SA. Tertia, want a visitor :)

And I live 5 minutes from my parents, i love my family even though we are crazy and i am fortunate enough to be able to do what i love to do and still live near my folks. It's a personal decision, i have lived far away and i much prefer having them where I can see them and be with them whenever i want.

Everyone needs to do what makes them happy, SA is your home and it is where your heart is. Los Angeles is my home and where my heart is and that is where I choose to live even though lots of people hate it, it's unsafe at times, big city, i could go on...but _FOR ME_ it is the perfect decision.

Sorry for the blabbing.

[Kether]

I had missed this post and came to read it because you said you might take it down. I didn't see anything wrong with it. People are so touchy. Tertia, you needn't explain why you don't leave SA. The word HOME should be sufficient.
And I couldn't live any farther than five minutes from my parents. I'm such a big baby.

[Jamie]

That sense of belonging is indeed important. Often I think "It would be nice to live_____" for whatever reason (Generally when we have bad tornado's). But those pass, and it makes me thankful to have some place I belong. Home truely is where your heart is.
I know I personally am thankful for your entries on SA. They are very educational, and as sad as this sounds, I dont recall learning much of anything in school about SA. So I vote for more SA stuff!
BTW, The babys are beautiful, and growing so fast!

[geena]

You've gotta be kidding me! I came and read these comments because of the post after this one. Like the pp's, I think that what Jillian said was pretty uncalled for. It's very upsetting to read something like that. I don't understand why everyone calls themselves "big babies" for wanting/needing to live by their parents. I would LOVE to live near my parents, but for now I cannot. Wanting to be close to your parents does not make one immature in the least. :-)
I'm also wondering if the pill isn't making you a little bit oversensitive. There is absoutely nothing wrong with this post, Tertia.

And btw... it's your blog! You get to say whatever you want.

[Moxie]

I guess I don't understand why you, T, felt you needed to explain why you were going to continue to live in your home country in the first place. It's your home country, for Pete's sake. There are good and bad things about every place in the world.

OTOH, this could be a new blog meme. We could all post why we aren't going to leave our homes on our blogs.

[Mollie]

HA! My blog is all about leaving the country of my birth (well, when I'm not yammering on about some inane aspect of raising my kids).

Moving anywhere, whether it's across the street or across the world, is a hugely personal decision. There just isn't a right or wrong, just what's right for you. And "right" can include some pretty lousy aspects, too! No place is perfect.

I find that a lot of people take terrible offense at the fact that I moved from the US, supposedly the "greatest country on earth." In the end, it didn't suit me. Why should anyone else get upset about that? I'm not upset about other people who stay in the US, or anywhere else. Where other people live just isn't very important to me. Where I live makes all the difference... to me!

Rock on, T, you African Asshole.

[sweetisu]

Obviously Jillian isn't tuned in her local news (CA, right?) and lives inside a turtle shell. In the last few years, there has been at least 5 cases of kidnapping/molestation/murder of young girls that made national news. And some were abducted from their *own* homes..

[dawna]

My comment is mostly towards the one left by jillian, yes, that is an awful thing to say, and terribly untrue. It is not "safe" anywhere. I bet if you did an online search to see how many registered sex offenders lived within a mile of you, you'd never leave your house again. I live in a fairly small town, it's a nice place. The people are okay, but overall, it's a nice comfy place to live. We also have close to a thousand registered sex offenders living here. My mother has near one hundred living within a mile radius of her home. Just because people don't look scary and yuck, doesn't mean they are nice people that you can feel safe around. So to say that T should move merely because they have bars on their windows, is it really any different than anywhere else? Please, research the nasty things you want to say before you say them.

[sheiler]

OK. I'm way late on this discussion, but just wanted to point out that the United States is in the top ten countries for murder in the world.

[arubagirl]

I live on a small island, fairly safe and all. However, I also have bars on my windows. Where does this Jillian-person live that she can say that T. has to move?

Tertia, live where you feel the happiest and screw everyone else.

[Jennie]

all of the above, plus

what colour is the sky in your world Jillian?

[Cherith]

Tertia, I am truly sorry that you were hurt by those hateful comments. Your writing about the sense of community in your country brough tears to my eyes. I would absolutely love to visit/try living there. I really would. That feeling does not exist much in my area. Colorado, USA, btw. I would love to raise my children in an area rich with history and curlture and a feeling of community. The only community/culture we have here is at your local Walmart or McDonalds, both of which I avoid. And when I cannot avoid them it is a culture of "me first!" and "How can I get ahead of everyone else?" So sad. There are pockets here and there of what you describe, but my overall impression of this country is as I have previously stated. I think that the nasty post above acutally typifies the sort of lack of community, closeness and bad attitude that you often find in this country. What a shame that we all cannot come together with the intention of supporting, even when we disgree, as opposed to judging and condeming.

[Anne]

Well except for the crime/poverty and all the cool wildlife, the way you speak of SA reminds me of the way I speak of Hawaii, it's home. It's beautiful hear green & lush + bule sea and sky, great weather, wonderful community, my family's home for 6 generations & my husband's for 2 millennium (he's Hawaiian). But it's getting expensive to live here - homes, gas, food, jobs pay less here, Oahu (the island I live on) is getting very urban and crowded. But no matter what the bottom line is that Hawaii is home and I'd be hard pressed to live anywhere else.

[Dasha]

This is so late, but I have to throw in with the supportive comments others have left. I think it's unbelievable that Jillian wrote what she did. And you do NOT have to justify which country you live in, Tertia. If SA is going to continue to prosper and grow as a free nation, it needs people like you, Marko, Kate, Adam, Rose, Beauty, your friends and family there to see it through. And there's nothing wrong with wanting to live among your loved ones. I find that admirable.

[xta]

major overkill at this point but i live in san francisco california (north beach) and we have bars on the windows around here too!!!! there is no perfect place in the world.

[meme]

Just delurking a little late in the game to reiterate for Jillian's sake:
I've lived in the U.S. for all but 3 years of my entire life, and most of that time I've lived in places with bars on the windows. And I have been really, really fortunate to live in some of the most wonderful, beautiful places in the country, too.

There are so many factors that go into deciding where to raise your children. For me, whether they saw bars on the windows and had to learn to be safe and careful after dark was far outweighed by other factors, like living in amazing, vibrant, diverse places, and, like T, being close to their grandparents.

[Babe]

I live in New York City, as does my brother. He has bars on his windows. (So, yeah, lots of American cities have that lovely feature--it's not only in South Afraica.)

Along the lines of Jillina's comment, my Californian uncle asked why I persist to live in such a crime-ridden city, but New York is actually quite safe, and I live here because I like living near my brother, aunt, uncle, cousin, and grandmother. My parents actually moved overseas and our relationship definitely changed! Of course it depends on the family situation, but I totally understand wanting to continue living in the same country as your parents. (Not sure I'll ever forgive my parents for leaving the country when I was 21 years old. Even though I was a "grownup.")