This is a guest post from my friend Meriel, one of the women mentioned in my Infidelity post, the one who decided to stay. I asked her tell her side of the story.
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There’s a new colour in my world. It’s grey.
A few days ago Tertia wrote: “Infidelity is such a complicated issue. I used to think it was black and white.”
I was the ultimate black and white girl. Emphatic was my middle name. T told me many times that I was incredibly “strict”. That’s how I saw life. Right was right and that was that. Always. As I write this I remember another good girl friend of mine describing my dating life as “full speed ahead and then stop dead.” Things were so obvious and clear cut for me I couldn’t fathom others seeing it any other way.
I’m now venturing into no-man’s-land. I’m feeling out how it is to be tolerant, I’m trying on some other people’s shoes. I’ve changed my 20/20 vision for some grey-coloured glasses. The light’s not so harsh in here anymore.
Hi - I’m Tertia’s friend, the one who’s staying in the relationship despite some infidelity. She asked me to write for her because, as she puts it ……”i was thinking this morning how rich your perspective is. you can write from experience of being a single mom, a married mom, a divorced mom, a mom in a relationship where there is doubt. perhaps you could write how each was, what was good, what was not so good.”
When I went to register my first son I was struggling with leaky boobs and a hungry brand new baby boy in a very long queue. I snuck to the front and whispered “could I please go ahead of the rest I’m struggling with my baby.” The clerk gazed down on me said “everyone in this queue has just had babies – if you don’t want to come then send your husband”. So I whispered back “I’m not married”. To which the woman screeched “The illegitimate queue is in aisle 10”. Then and there I decide I was going to label myself before anyone else did it for me. I would defiantly introduce myself as “Hi I’m Meriel, I’m a single mom.” It became quite a label to shake when I got married. It has defined me and consumed me. I slept when he slept, I ate when he ate, I bathed when he bathed. I never had a babysitter until he was 2. I adored being a mother. It all came very naturally to be. His biological father and I had been for counselling prior to the birth. He left to live in France and we parted on very good terms. I have never felt or said a harsh thing about him. I still (10 years on) think he is gorgeous and divine.
When I got married (my He adopted the first) and when we had my second boy I found it really hard to have a husband and sibling to contend with while looking after the baby. I struggled to compartmentalise my life. At antenatal class I felt the odd one out – it was my second child but my husband’s first. I also had preconceived ideas about raising the kids. I had done it once before. We clashed a lot. Having more experience, being more bossy and seeing the world in black and white made me a pain-in-the-ass to live with. Anal, anal, very anal. So Virgo. I also came from a divorced household and didn’t have much experience in conflict resolution. Being black and white and very impulsive we simply called it quits without really thinking it through. He moved out and I filed for divorce.
That was even harder. This control freak freaked. Later he had a 2 week marriage with a mad woman and that spun me completely. I wanted my kids brought up diligently. I knew his faults so I could at least predict them – but when I had to cope with an unknown outsider (a loopy one at that) the wheels came off. We took our eldest son (then 8) to Sandcastles (divorce recovery for kids) and the feedback was very telling. “My dad asks if my mom leaves us alone to go out with other men, she doesn’t but I say yes cos that’s what he wants to hear.”
I checked myself in to therapy to sort gain some sanity. I found my therapist by finger circling the yellow pages and she was fantastic. Mostly I learnt that I was responsible for my own reactions. Things happen in the universe but I decide how that will affect me.
Seeing the change in me my ex then went to the same therapist. We grew a lot and became good friends. We spent more and more time together and gradually moved back together. Everyone around us was amazed at the level of forgiveness. But for us it really wasn’t hard. It was not a conscious effort. We had actually grown to like each other. My mother always talked about “love the sinner and hate the sin” it became a reality for us both.
I had always shielded my eldest from my ex, inevitably preventing them from having a normal relationship. While divorced they had the freedom to spend time together without me hovering. One day he said “dad really is my dad, even when you got divorced he still fetched us both”. I’ve have had to swallow a few times and leave them to have a normal relationship with up times and down.
But characters don’t change that much – our feelings and actions do. So we still have hard times and we both still revert to the ugly selves we know and dislike. He’s been wandering of late – not sure how far it has gone (does it really matter). And this is where Tertia is confounded by the way I am handling it. I’m talking to him (my best friend) about my lover (him again). I’m pragmatic about what’s happening without being insanely demanding or prescriptive. We’ve discussed the fact that it should not continue and I have said I will trust him to do it in his way in his time. I have chosen to use her as the scapegoat for my anger and hurt – I don’t want to hate him so I chose not to. I called her the other day. Very calmly and politely introduced myself, explained the circumstances and asked her “as a fellow woman” to please not intrude in our family. She may have a conscience and she may not. But I wanted to have that conversation and I feel good at having made the call. I can not manage her actions but I can manage my own.
I don’t plan to leave – I don’t think any of us will be better off. I know what it is like as a divorced couple, I know what it is like with a third parent, I know what it is like in a dysfunctional relationship. I have chosen to manage my actions and reactions and to sit it out a bit. No one has to agree with me, people are free to judge me – but this is what I feel best with. For now, anyway. A calm spirit is far more important to me than proving a point or begin principled.
What is there for anyone else to learn from my tale – I don’t know. Do I naively wish for world peace – maybe. All I can say is I have lived half my life demanding black and white and right now I’m nuzzling in and embracing some grey. Am I giving up and allowing my Him to walk all over me –I don’t see it that way. Will my kids hate me for my choices, will I regret giving up my dreams – I think I will look back and believe that whatever gave peace to my soul was the right choice for me.
Where did I gain all this wisdom – watching my friend T struggling with infertility. She wanted to find her own peace, she defined what was important to her. She chose to endure some agony in pursuit of her goal. She brought her ugly little secret out into the open. She was spat on some, mocked some and supported a whole lot. I have learnt buckets by being her friend.