So Close

I seem to have fucked up.

Ok, I don’t know if it is because of this horrible pill but I am feeling very emotional.  The comments on my post below have made me cry.  It must be the pill.  Or maybe I am just tired.  Or maybe they really do hurt.  Jillian, what a horrible thing to say.  Horrible.  I feel ill.

And to the darling Europeans, I honestly didn’t mean to offend you, I have insulted your weather.  I am sorry.  I just meant that coming from warm Africa, can you imagine how hard it would be for me.  I was trying to use an analogy of being like a tropical plant transplanted into a cold area.  I am sorry.  I honestly didn’t mean to offend.  Would you like me to remove that sentence?

Then, I have offended someone else by saying that I couldn’t move away from my parents.  I am not saying any thing against those people who have had to move away from their parents, many many people have to.  It is just that I am so dependant on them that *I* can’t.  I sometimes feel like a pathetic baby for not being able to be away from them. 

And let's not forget all the American's I have pissed off by saying that individualism is more prevalent than collectivism.

I actually feel like taking down the whole post.  I was trying to make you all understand why I love being here.  Instead I have offended just about every one.

This is the not so nice side of baring your soul.  You open it up for hurt.  I suppose if I expose myself I should take the good with the not so good. 

And you know, the funny thing is that I have been feeling particularly cave’ish lately.  Yesterday was the first day in months that I didn’t do a new post on my blog.  (Did any of you notice?)  Then this happens.

I am going to bed now.  Please let me know if you want me to remove my post, it will only be tomorrow when I wake up though. 

It must be the pill.  I am feeling pathetically emotional. 

What a fuck up.

Why I don’t just pack my bags and leave

Some of you asked why I don’t just leave if things are so bad here in South Africa.  I would like to answer that question.

Firstly, I am sorry if the picture I painted sounded all bad, it isn’t.  There are bad parts, sure, but there are bad parts in every country in the world.  I love living here, South Africa is a wonderful country, in so many ways.

There’s the weather.  Sounds trivial but it is very important to me. I could never live in the cold parts of Europe for example, I would shrivel up and die.  I need the warmth.  That cold miserable weather would depress me.

Then there’s the space.  We have so much space here in Africa.  It is such a wonderful open feeling.

There’s the people.  People are so friendly here, so warm and caring.  Here in Africa it is the feeling of community, of collectivism that is prevalent.  I know that must sound strange for countries like America where individualism is the order of the day.  Here in SA the spirit of Ubuntu is encouraged. Ubuntu means I am who I am because of you.  It is about togetherness, community, villages, family, respect.

We have something like the second or third best drinking water in the world, we drink out the taps.  We have excellent medical facilities, we have excellent infrastructure, banking, mobile technology etc.  South Africans have many world firsts.  For a small country we kick some serious ass, in many fields.

There’s the sense of excitement and opportunity as the new South Africa emerges, it is like watching a child grow up.  Full of promise.  I don’t want to miss that.

Then, what would it be like if all the educated people left?  What would we leave behind?  Wouldn’t that be abandoning the country that gave birth to you?

Then, this is my home, this is where my roots are.  I don’t know if I could ever feel a sense of belonging in another land.  I am the type of person who needs to feel deep roots.

Lastly, and most importantly, I could never, ever leave my mother and father.  I know that might sound pathetic, but I am who I am because of them.  Without them I would feel incomplete.  I am the eldest out of four kids, but my father calls me the baby, and maybe I am, but I can’t be away from my mother and father.  My little brother and sister live overseas, and I know they miss my parents terribly as well. 

This is my land, my home, my family, my history.  How can I just leave it all behind?

I'm almost as good as my brother

Kate is catching up!

Nanny Log

I want to do a Nanny Log / chart / anal checklist sheet thingy for Rose and Beauty to complete for when I go back to work.  Something I can use so that when I come home from work I can see at a glance what kind of day they had, how much they ate, what they did, how many spankings they got, any cuss words they said etc.  And that’s just for Beauty and Rose.

Only joking.

But seriously, do any of you have a Nanny Log I can copy or at least get ideas from?  What should I include in the Log?

Here is a (bad) picture of what I have done so far.  It looks better in Word but I can’t do the copy and paste thing properly.  Which is really improving my mood, as you can well imagine.  Oh, how I love life at the moment.

Miscellaneous

Re the make up thing

A few of you asked ‘what does Marko think’.  Marko says he doesn’t like lots of make up and that I am perfectly fine without make up / dressing up.  BUT… whenever I do the make up / dress up thing (i.e. for a function) he always remarks how nice I look.  Which makes me think that even though he says he doesn’t mind and that I don’t need make up, deep down he might actually prefer me that way?

And although I would never do something ‘just’ for someone else, I do want to be attractive to Marko. I would hate it if he never made an effort at all. 

You guys are right though, I do feel better when I have at least made a bit of an effort to dress up slightly.  I suppose I need to do it for me.  We will start off slowly with better fitting clothes and MAYBE some light mascara. 

Re the pill thing

How long before your body gets used to the pill?  Not how long till it’s effective, I know that, but how long before your body gets used to the hormones?  Because I am HIGHLY irritable at the moment and I know it’s from the pill.  I recognize this feeling, it’s a PMS feeling.  And unfortunately it is solely directed at my husband.  And actually my barking homosexual dog who wakes my babies.  Those two always bear the brunt of my PMS induced irritability.  Being PCO means that I only get my periods once a year (when not on the pill) so at least they are spared my moods.  However this pill seems to be making me feel like this all the time.  For their sake I need to know if this is going to sort itself out soon?

Re the work thing

I go back to work on Tuesday.  It is making me feel miserable.  Combined with the pill induced bad mood, I am not a lot of fun to be around.  Blah.

And that’s all I have to say.  My bad mood is preventing me from saying much more that doesn’t involve swearing.  Off to kick husband and/or dog.

Milestones

Julie’s post got me thinking about milestones.  Oddly enough (being so anal) I am completely unanal (bet you didn’t know that was a word) about whether my children are hitting the milestones exactly as the book says they should. 

How important is it that babies reach their milestones at the average / recommended stage / age?  Does it really matter if they crawl at 8 months or 10 months?  Does it matter if they walk at 12 months or 18 months?  What effect does it have if they are a bit late reaching their milestones?  Will it have any long-term detrimental effects?

Do I have to do tummy time with Kate?  (She hates it) Does it matter that she is a bit slower in lifting her head than Adam is?  I figure she will lift her head in her own time but perhaps I should be pushing her harder?  She is better than him at focusing and tracking objects.  Each child is different?

What are knock on effects of (slightly) delayed achievements of milestones?  Do I / should I be actively encouraging them to roll over etc?  My gut says let them be, but I obviously don’t want to cause them long-term harm and if it is necessary / better that I encourage them then I will.  I want what’s best for them.  But in my mind in doesn’t seem to matter?

Does it really matter if Kate is only starting to suck on her fist now rather than 4 weeks ago when Adam started?  Do I really have to worry about that? 

Good kid / Not So Good kid

Spot the good one.

I know it's not easy, but try.  If you look really closely you should be able to tell which one is the easy kid and which one is the not so easy kid.  Tricky huh.

Here's a clue if it gets difficult - The not so easy one is not the green one.

 

Should I make more of an effort?

I have touched on this subject before, quite a while ago.  (too lazy to link the earlier post).  It’s about wearing make up.  On weekends.

See, I am a real before and after girl.  I can look v gorgeous and divine ‘after’ but even I must admit my ‘before’ look is pretty scary.  When I go to work I dress up and look quite G&D.  I have to as I see clients.  So by the weekend I am so sick of make up and dressing up that I go uber casual.  No make up, sweatpants etc.  Not so G&D.  It is only due to some sense of decorum that I remove my slippers.  Only joking.  (Would love to wear my slippers to the mall, imagine how comfy)

This weekend I went out and saw a few people I went to school with, dressed up the nines, full make up, smart clothes, matching shoes etc.  Sometimes I hid away and other times I thought what the hell.

My thinking is that underneath all that make up they also look like me.  When they wake up in the morning they don’t look like that.  And this is me.  This casual, no make up look is who I am. 
 
I HATE wearing make up and dress up clothes.  Comfort is key for me. 

BUT…  should I be making more of an effort, if not for me, then for my husband?  Or should I even be doing it for myself? 

Should I care what I look like?  Should I make more of an effort?  My sister is also a before and after girl and she looks gorgeous when she goes out to the mall.  I am sure she feels gorgeous too.  Maybe I am missing out on something?

My mother says I should make more of an effort.  She is never without lipstick on. 

Damn.  When I was younger this was NOT an issue.  Bloody old age. 

Calling all geeks / nerds / country men

Lend me your collective wisdom.

I am looking for a web based email system that meets the following requirements:

1. free
2. v quick / easy to access
3. v quick to download
4. good spam filters
5. able to read and reply to messages offline and then replicate / send when online.

Any suggestions?

Birthday party etiquette

Now that I have left the lonely, socially isolated world of infertility behind, I am being invited to, and more importantly, accepting invitations to children’s birthday parties.  It’s a new experience for me and so I need some help.

What on earth do you buy the kids?  I have been invited to two birthday parties for one year olds, one a set of twins, within two weeks of each other.  I feel as if I can’t arrive with a shitty / cheap present, but my word it gets expensive* when you have to get presents for all the kids.  I am sure it will only get worse once they go to school.  What is your price range when you buy gifts for other kids?  Any gift ideas?  Tips? 

And as a matter of interest, do they always only speak about kids at these things?  My word, all they speak about is children stuff.  I thought there would be wine and some deep and meaningful discussion on world events.  Or at least wine.  You know how fond I am of my wine.  Will have wine at my kids' b/day party.

*I am not normally so tight fisted but money is v tight at the moment with me being on v long leave (lots of it was unpaid) and also with the sudden increase in mouths to feed.  Although must confess have always been Budget Barbie.