Who comes first?

Another question to ponder while you gorge yourself on chocolate Easter eggs.  For those who have kids and those who have not.

You, your husband or your kids.  Who comes first, and why? 

In theory AND in practice. 

What do you do in your family?  Is it different to how you grew up? 

Comments

[blackbird]

Do you mean like this?
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/03/27/fashion/27love.html?
I am totally with Ayelet on this.
If that's not what you mean - lemme know and I will pontificate on it later. I gotta get some chocolate.

[MollieBee]

Theory: Kids/Husband

Reality: Kids/Me

Different from how I grew up in that my Mother never put herself first.

Hoppy Easter!

[MollieBee]

Oh I forgot why...

I always aspire to put my husband first, after the Stinker because he's a cool dude, and I like making him happy. BUT I find that I usually only have time to make 2 people happy, and when that happens, I go first, cuz I'm the princess. And because if Momma isn't happy, nobody is happy.

[Stacey]

My daughter

then me

then any man that is in my life.

[Manuela]

No kids here... sniff... so this is strictly in theory.. but I grew up in a household where my mother was THE priority... without a doubt. My father did and does worship her... he once even threatened me at age 12 that if I didn't clean my room that I would be kicked out of the house because there was no way he was going to see anyone make my mother that upset (she's obsessive compulsive with respect to housework)... Obviously in reaction to what I perceive to be a whacked out family dynamic... my GOAL is to have the child come first, then me, then my hubby.... Why me b4 my hubby??? Cuz if I don't take care of me as best I can... I'm in no shape to give him what our relationship needs. But of course... you sage mothers out there are likely laughing at me... cuz I fully expect my parenting 'theories' to be tossed out the windows when the reality should be fortunate enough to arrive!

Manuela

[Nance]

1st: Kids
2nd: Me
3rd: Cats
4th: Husband

[Nicole]

Me first. Mostly. I'll tend to my daughter's needs and when she's set, I hand her over to my husband so I can shower/shave/make breakfast/drink coffee. And I'll listen to her scream her fool head off without a care in the world till I'm good and ready to take her back.

Because truly, if I'm not happy, neither of them are going to be happy.

[Jody]

V. interesting question. Too busy cramming in the chocolates and calculating baking times on the lasagna and giving thanks for grandparents and reconsidering the blessings of three-generational households (spare time! someone else to change dirty clothes and wash dirty faces! guilt-free computer play!) to think coherently, alas.

Short version: first place vibrates back and forth between me and children. Husband suffers third place, very very much like Paul and Julia in the first year, less justifiably so and less often now. (Think Julia is being non-cool asshole about realities of tag-team infant care. Needs to give self break.) Think a LOT of this equation changes as children get older: think the answer will depend for ME a great deal on stages of development of children. Think the trade-offs between the parties less stark as the children get older.

I have seen empty nest disasters aplenty (the worst ones in my experience were between SAHMs and their husbands who said, "right then, I'm out of here because you've been mothering me for twenty years and now I'd like a lover who treats me like her spouse, not her adjunct") and so I promise myself never, ever to forget that my husband will stick around when my children are off forgetting to phone for three weeks straight, and that it's important for us still to like each other when that day comes. Also, I don't fancy divorced grandparenting: you miss too many holidays that way.

Think I will add this to my blog-draft pileup. Off to eat more chocolate now!

[Scully]

Currently, I come first. As my 15 year old still refuses to speak to me and left me another rude voice mail message on Wednesday, he's not coming first for a very long time.

I'm so bitter.

[Angelia]

1) Kids
2) Husband
3) My Father
4) My Friends
5) Myself (if there is anything left to give)

Because thats how I am.

[Rebecca]

My son and husband come first, but take turns, depending on the situation. I am married to a service member, and he isn't always in a position to meet his own needs. But, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he puts my needs first also. That makes it a lot easier for me. I know he isn't going to take advantage of me. Because of his job and position, I have to put my son's needs above my own as well. If I don't take care of him, often there is no one else to do the job. And knowing that his son is well taken care of makes it a lot easier for my husband to do his job and not be distracted by the needless worry.

So... I am at the bottom of the food chain around here, but happy to be there.

[Julie]

Husband suffers third place, very very much like Paul and Julia in the first year, less justifiably so and less often now. (Think Julia is being non-cool asshole about realities of tag-team infant care. Needs to give self break.)

Think Jody is being non-cool asshole about not knowing that I'm Julie, not Julia!

[Beth]

I read somewhere that the most effective way to a good marriage was to put your husband before your kids. This makes sense in theory, because your kids will leave in 18 years roughly, but your husband you got for life.Of course, reality is a different story, but it is something I try to remember.

And, I think it is important to not neglect yourself. Don't spoil your kids, spoil yourself. What a great mother I am...

[jayde]

1) the Cats (no kids here)

2) Me

3) Husband

It mostly depends on situation. I'm currently going to school full time and working full time. My husband works part-time. (He's not lazy, it just works for us right now) So, if I want to sleep, relax, etc; I do. The husband does all the housework, errands, etc. If the situation was different, I would have no problem putting him first or sharing the workload.

I grew up with just a father. I was ALWAYS first. No matter what.

The husband grew up with the "picture" family. Dad worked, Mom home. Two kids. Kids always came first.

Today the husband gets to play video games, and I get to cook. That's ok with me. He deserves it.

[Janis]

1. kids
2. hubby
3. me

Growing up my mom always put the men in her life first. Even when they were abusive fucks who beat her or molested me.

I swore I would never be that way. And I'm not. The kids come first, dh and I agree on that. Especially when they are little. As they get older- teens- they can understand taking time out for oneself and as a couple. Little ones can't grasp that.

But we do make time for each other even if it is just a few stolen moments in the shower, on the way to the store, or cuddling at night.

DH grew up pretty much the same as me. Mom putting men first and kids last. What we do may not work for everyone, but it works for us. And that's what matters.

[susan]

I am trying to kick the birds out of the nest but they won't go. they look after themselves now. I have found that if I don't put myself first no one else will, that putting anyone else first (barring very neccesary small child care, of my younger years) just ends up draining me. The all going out, no comming in dynamic. If you put others first where does it stop? Some people are black holes of emotional need and will suck you into oblivion. I cook, clean, do special little things, and "go to the gym" when, how and if I want to. A big reason for that is that I am back to college full time, at an age that I am brain cell challenged according to the age experts. (they say senility is not far off at my age). I wholeheartedly endorse the "if mamma ain't happy, ain't no one happy" school of thought, and it's mammas turn, and college makes her happy.

[Aurora]

My husband would say:
1. kids
2. himself
3. me

I would say:
1. kids
2. my husband
3. my family
4. me

Why? I can't answer for him, but I put them in that order because the kids need me more that anyone else right now, my husband might not need me but he is the closest family to me. My family is important because they support me and I support them. I am last because I can take care of others better than I take care of myself. That's just how I am.

[lurker delurking]

Don't have kids yet. Growing up my Mum tried to balance based on what the needs were - ie. if the kids needed feeding or toileting and my Dad wanted someone to help with a DIY project the childrens nutrition came first. Obviously a baby screaming tended to supercede everything else. But she was always careful that we did some things as a family that my Dad wanted to do (specific places he wanted to visit for example) and as we got older our needs got less urgent and less often and he came first more. She certainly put his ideas on holiday destinations/meal ideas/TV channel being watched above ours. She probably put herself last a lot of the time, but now we're older she's reclaiming top-spot. And my Dad is good at sorting himself out a lot of the time and helping when needed (ie. if Mum was breastfeeding he'd bring her a plate of food before having his own meal) so it worked both ways. My grandmother has always always put her husband above the kids, even when they were small, on the basis that the kids left, he didn't. This has resulted in a happy marriage, but grandad is completely helpless. I plan on a mix of different priorities, depending on the specific situation, and making sure I put my husband first at least some of the time I can. I also plan on following my parents example and dumping any kids I might have on their grandparents and taking a lot of weekends away.

[K]

If this is what you mean:

In practice: Kids take up most of your time and energy. You try to break away now and again to restore yourself and make sure you are connected with your husband.

In theory: You and your husband's relationship/needs first. And your children are welcome additions to your family (not the center/leaders of it).

You try to love each other openly (so your kids can see it) and take time for each other (going out and telling the kids, "Mommy & Daddy are going to spend some time together" before you leave them with the babysitter).

Maybe they pretend not to like it to your face (try to grab your attention when you are sitting on the couch talking to each other, or pretend they hate the babysitter and don't want you to go), but what they get out of seeing the two of you love each other will serve them through their whole life.

They'll always feel secure that Mom & Dad love each other and their home-life is stable (even a 1-year-old senses when things aren't right with Mom & Dad). They'll learn from watching you how to be a good partner to their own spouse later in life (not believing that the spouse's needs come last to everyone else's). They'll learn that the two of you are a solid unit there to help them and they don't have to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders (like they may feel if they are the center of your family).

But that's just the theory. All easier said than done. :-)

You figure if you just keep loving them all as much as you can, you're doing pretty well.

[ann]

in theory?:
kids
me
husband
dog

in reality?:
me /kids
husband
dog

gotta run, easter guests just arriving.
:)

[karyn]

1. Kids
2. Me
3. Husband

And husband should really be nearer the top as he is a total Paul, while I am constantly losing my cool.

[tracy]

Interesting. Friends were talking about something similar recently - what comes first, your children or your husband? One friend said her husband always comes first, because their marriage is the foundation of the entire family, and if it's not working right, nothing else will work right. The other said her children always came first, because her husband is an adult who can take care of himself, but since she made the decision to bring those children into the world, she must put their needs first.

My response was that the needs of my *family* come first. Sometimes what's best for me (or DH or child) is best for the family, and sometimes it's not.

[Egg Donor]

In my life? I'd say it's

1. Me
2. Dogs
3. Husband

But there's a small distance between 1 and 3.

It hasn't always been like this. DH came from a bad household - mom had an affair with a married man, got herself knocked up to try to trap him, the guy left. She used this as a constant (and ongoing) guilt trip on DH from the time he was born. On top of that, MIL has very serious mental problems. She abused/molested/threw hammers at (not kidding) my husband in between trips to the mental institution. He slept in her bed until he was 23 at her insistance (she would overdose on sleeping pills and alcohol if he refused). It only stopped when I told him to move out or we were breaking up. The moving out was good in one way, but caused him some pretty intense issues as he faced 2 decades of abuse that he'd been trying to ignore up until then. I really took care of all sorts of his crap then, including a suicide attempt, thousands of dollars in debt run up while his mom tried to sabotage his life, run-ins with the law, etc. All of my life was pushed aside to tend to him.

He's medicated and way better now, and after a very rough first 18-months of marriage he has figured out how a sane person acts in relationships and we're close to the picture of wedded bliss (that's the fastest summary of 2.5 years of my life that I've ever given).

So now, I'm finishing up my PhD (I'll be a doctor within a week), and that has really consumed ALL of my time. To complete a dissertation, one's self needs to be put ahead of everything else. DH has been great. I cook about 4 nights a week because I like to, but he cooks on nights I teach. He vacuums, dusts, cleans the bathrooms and kitchen, does the dishes, etc. If I ask him to take care of something, he does it right away, without complaint. That has made my life so much easier than if I had to deal with everything myself.

And the dogs? We love them like most people love children (and that's one of the reasons we're not having kids ever). They get lots of attention because it fits in with writing a dissertation. I can scratch their fluffy bottoms and run experiments at the same time :)

[Lisa]

I guess I should be a good wife and say hubby comes first (no kids yet) but in reality, I look out for myself first, then him, then the cats.

[Shannon Finley]

Baby, Fiance, Me.

Case in point, this morning:

Baby got fed first, the Fiance, and then me. My eggs and bacon got cold while I made sure the Fiance had two properly buttered and jammed (word?) pieces of toast.

Why you ask? Well, the baby is obvious, but the fiance? Because I love him and he works hard for us and makes a lot of sacrifices. Besides, while he is at work, it goes baby and then me.

[Rosemary]

This is really interesting, as I watched my parents do this, and I'm trying hard to figure out how it all worked. My mum and dad were pretty good at putting our needs as their first priority but prioritisng our wants to fit in with the rest of the family. This has taken me hundreds of hours of remembering and thinking and talking to my sisters and dad (my mum died when I was only 22) to try and figure out what they did. Dad didn't have any words for it, he just did what felt right.

A good example I can remember - sleep times. We had four kids in my family. When youngest was born, I was eight, elder sister was 14 and eldest was 15. Sleep times for the baby were an absolute need, and the whole family routine was adjusted to fit around it. There was no apologies given, and we were expected to accept it without complaining, because that is what a member of our family needed. However, my parents were really strict on not letting my little sister get into my stuff or getting in the way of me having a birthday party. My younger sister did not have a need to do that. (Just an insatiable appetite for MY STUFF!!!!!)

Another good example - greeting everybody when we all came home. When my dad got home from work, we were all excited to see him, and we'd come running and say hello and kiss him and jump up and down and yell and be really loud. We were allowed to do that for about five minutes, and then we all had to disappear for fifteen minutes. Mum and Dad would sit together with a cup of tea and just talk and reconnect. We learnt pretty early that the only excuse for interrupting was the imninent death of someone.

Mum and Dad played tennis together on Saturday afternoons and that was their sacrosanct time. If we had things we wanted to do, we either had to get ourselves there or we just didn't go. But, during the week, Mum's taxi was in overdrive for swimming, music lessons and netball training (now I'm showing where I come from!!!). Mind you, I think the pace of life was a bit slower back then, or my parents had the ability to say NO to us a lot when we wanted to do everything under the sun.

To cut a long story short, we never felt neglected, but I never felt like I could run the family either. I used to get really annoyed sometimes as I wanted it to be all about ME, ME, ME, but as an adult now trying desperately to have my own family, it's something I really want to replicate in my own family.

I hope it doesn't sound like assvice, as I don't have any kids, and things will probably all fall in a pile when I have them.

[Sue]

In theory, husband and I come first. Baby is only half cooked (20 weeks pregnant), but our theory is that our relationship has to be strong and only from that can we be a happy, stable, loving family.

Especially in the teenage years we hope we can stick to our own assvice of "us against the teenager" when it starts pulling all that, "but Dad said I can have the car tonight ..." shit.

In reality, could be a whole other story as this child is bound to be terribly spoilt and indulged after more than 5 years of trying to get pregnant.

[Marlen]

I think it depends on the situation for me. When my husband is at work, the kiddos come first, but once he gets home he comes first. I always come after him and the kiddos. Growing up my mom put the kiddos first and my poor father suffered. But, now that we are all grown and out of the house they are reclaiming their relationship and it is a beautiful thing. I want my husband to know how important he is to me and that I want him to stick around after the kiddos are gone, so I try to make sure his needs are met first. And he gives me time to myself and time away when I have a hard time being nice to myself =)

[Tulip]

My kids come first. They are incapable of taking care of themselves. When there's time or I have the energy then it's a trade off if I put DH's needs above my own. Recently we've had horrible fights about me wanting every other Saturday "off" so I can do what I want (mostly lie on the couch with a heating pad on my back), but he refuses (meaning, I lost). Therefore, while it used to be that I'd defer my needs to his, I no longer feel that way. I automatically put myself first, but if I'm feeling magnanimous I'll see to him. So around here it's kids first, then me, then DH.

I think the perspective of putting your husband or marriage first is a lot of cr@p. No, you don't want your kids to wreck your marriage. But if either or both of you are so immature or selfish that you can't defer to your kids while your kids are small & helpless, I think that's wrong. Life is a pendulum. Everything balances out.

[Judy]

I tend to look at it in two ways - before babies and after babies.

When I had my first son, he came first pretty much 100% of the time. DH could fend for himself; Travis couldn't. But, as he got older and became more and more independent, my focus has shifted more to myself and my relationship with DH instead of primarily on Travis. Not that he's not a priority, but I think it is important to show him that we should care for and help others IN ADDITION TO ourselves (Travis is 5.5 yrs. now).

Fast forward to now...I have a 5 month old, and for now, he's priority #1. Again, he can't do anything except sleep on his own right now, so he needs a voice and an able body. I'm it (well, we all are...it is a group effort around here!). However, it is a bit different around here this time. Even though I am breastfeeding, my son and DH are soooooooo helpful this time around. I do end up taking a few moments for myself each day. So, I'm more of a priority this time around, which has helped everyone.

So, I guess I would say that the kids (for now) tend to come first quite a bit, then myself and DH. And, DH's list is quite similar, I think. Once Tyler gets a little older, then we will shift our focus back to us more...modeling good, healthy relationships is one thing I had growing up, and I intend to do the same for my boys.

[Rae]

[U]Theory[/U]
1 - hubby
2 - wife
3 - children

The theory being that if we have a good relationship this is the most secure environment in which our children can grow. When the children leave home we'll have 20-30 years of marriage left.

This is very much what happened in our house with me growing up - I always knew that Muma nd Dad's relationship came first and they'd back each other to the hilt.

[U]Reality[/U]

I think it is fairly similar - not measured in time though, On a time basis our child would come first because at the moment he devours so much of it. But I definitely do things for me (counselling, choose to work two days a week, weekly coffee by myself, etc) and T and I definitely place a lot of importance on the health of our relationship and rate it as needing attention before the parent-child relationship.

I think this is part of healthy modelling - our child(ren) needs to knwo that he is not the centre of the universe - not even ours (though he often is)

[Mollie]

Oh, it all depends on what the situation is.

I usually come first, since I am a freak that way.

Husband last, which may be the death of us.

Kids are always right up there, if not in the top slot, but I tend to be the sort of person who believes in kids being self-sufficient in as many ways as possible as soon as possible.

My upbringing was the same. Mom came first, her way or the highway. Dad was ignored, and left in and adulterous and alcoholic haze. Kids were taught to fend for themselves early, and expected to stay out of the way.

[Mollie]

"an adulterous..." not "and."

[MJ]

It does vary by situation but generally here is the order round here.

1. hubby 2 kids 3 me. Well not always me number 3 cause i routinely buy stuff like candy and dont share it , well cause im me and i dont have to. lol.

But i found it important to nurture our relationship(dh and i) so that we both have more to give back to the kids.

[Melani]

I would say it's pretty balanced around here. The kids get some time, my husband and I each take some alone time and we have a date night once a week (grandma keeps the kids overnight every Tuesday--yes I know I'm lucky). Of course, the kids are 8 and 6 so it's a little easier. When they were babies, they were #1 all the time. We figured it was a relatively short chapter in our lives. Of course, it's easier now because both kids are in school and I work very little.

[Meganann]

In theory: me then husband, since there are no kids. I know that I must be my own advocate and take care of myself.

In practice: him then me, since he seems to require a lot of help with day to day stuff. Also, as he makes more than twice as much as I do, I like to support him in his job.

If there were children though, all bets would be off and I am pretty sure that at least for the "extremely needy years" they would be the priority.

[Moxie]

Totally depends on the ages of the kids. When they're infants: definitely kids, then me, then husband. By the time they're toddlers/preschoolers: kids and me are equal varying by need and time of day, then husband. By the time they're in school: me, and kids and husband vary by the hours depending on who's neediest.

What I suspected in theory, and has turned out to be true for my one so far, is that the more I gave at the beginning, even when it made me want to rip my eyeballs out, the less he needed as time progressed. It kind of flips me out that I can sit down and read a book now for 20 minutes while he plays by himself and he doesn't even try to get my attention because he knows if he really needs me I'm right there. Kind of puts the first few months of just wanting to give him back to someone else in perspective.

[Em]

Dr Phil says (don't roll your eyes) that the best thing you can do for your kids is protect and nurture the relationship between their parents. For me, I have to say that kids are first, no matter what but I think I give more attention to my marriage than my parents did (with them, kids being first as well). For us, I think I split my attention about 70/30 between kids and husband (maybe a little closer to 80/20). I don't exactly fall on the priority list right now until I feel like I'm ready for a nervous breakdown, then I take some time. Lest you think I'm a martyr, my nervous breakdowns come about once every week or two.

[Moxie]

Oh, and I was on vacation during your big sex talk, but I'll provide a data point here. Personally, I don't think most women are hormonally ready to have sex for 4-5 months after giving birth. And you don't actually really *want* to do it until about 6 months after.

**Stop reading now if you don't want to read TMI**

That leaves a big gap, which the first time we struggled through, feeling inadequate and like our relationship was forever changed. But this time, I'm going to try for vaginal once every two-three weeks after the initial OK and just filling in the gaps for him with hand jobs and blow jobs (and maybe the pearl necklace, considering how huge my boobs will be).

But the urge does come back, although it takes a long time to really feel back in sync. My two best tips for getting back into it ASAP (after 6 months or so) are 1) schedule it in that morning before one or both of you leave for work--that way you'll both be able to think about it all day and get a little worked up about it, especially if you can make a few naughty calls or emails over the course of the day, and 2) establish a time limit that sex must be started by--ours was 9 pm for a long time. We could put off anything else, but as soon as the kid was in bed, sex must start. If we hadn't started by 9, it wasn't going to happen that night.

So I guess my suggestion would be to figure out a way to give Marko maximum pay-off for minimum effort on your part for the next few months, but also just do it (whatever you decide to do) as soon as you get the babies down for their first night stretch of sleep or else you'll be too shagged to shag. Geez, I crack myself up.

[Irina]

I'm not married yet, but when I have a family of my own, my children will come first. Theoretically, I should care about my significant other more than I care about me, but the problem is, that significant other will care about himself more than about me as well, so I should probably put myself before him. Hey, *someone*'s got to! ; )

[wookie]

Hmmm... I think it varies on a day to day basis, but at any given moment there is a

75% chance of kids, husband, self
15% chance of husband, kids, self**
5% chance of kids, self, husband
5% chance of self, kids, husband*

* is where husband is taking care of kids, leaving me with sometimes an entire hour or two to just sit in the bath and read, or nap, etc.
** husband is also currently suffering from a bad ankle injury so sometimes he is in pretty dire straits.

[Blondie]

In theory...Myself, Hubby & child...if it were a perfect world.

Alas, I do not live in a perfect world.

Its actually...Child, house, chores & somewhere about a million clicks away is my hubby & I. I have to remember to dress up sometimes just so I know what it feels like. I am so used to simple functionality that I always seem to lose myself in the shuffle.

I know, its not right or fair but you know...my baby is one of the happiest kids on the block and would smile and try to pet the wild Godzilla & freak elephant in your backyard or maybe even play in the pond with your pet hippos. ;P

As for the comparisons between my childhood and my actual family...I am much different than my mother. My mother always put my father first. I saw the stereotypical pampered male everyday of my life and vowed that I wouldn't have a replica. My parents also raised us in a very strict homelife and we had standards to live up to. My son is already on the roads to living wild in the woods... I will worry when he starts chucking spears at us instead of the usual blocks.

:) Take care and I was wondering...Where do you fall in the categories of family life?

Stay gorgeous and divine!

[cas]

For me? Family is first. That means, whatever the best decision is for the balance of the family (including the dogs), that's the way I go.

That means if it is a trifling issue, then decisions are made on a "whoever hollers loudest" basis, for the decisions that really count.....always on the balance of what's best for the entire family. (Which can sometimes be a bitter pill to swallow, but ultimately the most liveable decision).

[Rachel]

Me first.

Why?

Because if I'm not taking good care of myself, I can't be a good mom, and I can't be a good wife.

When I fail to take care of me, I am a grouchy mom and a surly wife. Then I feel crummy about myself too.

It is much better to take enough time for me that I'm able to be (mostly) the kind of mother and wife I want to be.

That said, in the short term -- I will give up little things like food and sleep to take care of my husband and my kids :).

Rachel

[Tara]

First, my daughter. Then my husband on most days. When he pisses me off he comes after the oil change in the car. But 99% he is second!

[maia]

Kids, and then US... This meaning their immediate needs come first. But when the clock hits 7.30 it is OUR time! Pretty much true for how my family went too.

[andrea]

kids, hubby then me unfortunatly!

[Natalie]

In theory and in practice:

1. Kids
2. Me
3. Husband

Because if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

Really # 2 and 3 are a tie; dh and I take good care of each other and try to watch out for when the other needs a break, free time, etc. Balancing that perfectly with two kids and work, however, is hard, so it's not always a perfect system.

Most importantly, if I realize that I am really needing a break to be a better parent or spouse, I take one, before it gets to the point of me being a total asshole (and not in that good way like Julie).

[Cris]

I really try to put my husband first, kids second, me last. I think the best gift I can give my children is a loving relationship with my husband. Of course, since my children are ages 2 and 10 weeks, they are rather demanding and have needs that must be met immediately. So hubby and I make do and spend time together the best we can. But as they get older, I hope to really do a good job of putting him first.

[Christel]

1. Husband
2. Me
3. Kids

I feel my children will leave in 18 years and then Brian and I will be left on our own... how sad it would be if we didn't know each other anymore, just floated through life?

Brian takes good care of me and I like to think I take good care of him - so it is a two way stream... we BOTH take care of the children.

[Dani]

For me in theory its husband, child, me. But when I think about it I don't really know if I walk that out. Like sex, I don't always want it, (my child is just about 5 months old) but if my husband does I'll make the effort just cause I love him, after we get started I'm usually pretty happy I made the effort, but we've been interupted by baby a few times which puts the brakes on our moves so then child comes first. Anyways, I'm a firm believer in setting aside time to just be with you sig. other because if that relationship is healthy it will spill out onto the children. Now, even though I am last, I am no martyr, I still have me time because of my fabulous husband.

[wessel]

I don't know what we're talking about. Are we talking about life and death crises, in which you have to make a snap decision between everyone? Or are we talking about the doldrums of daily life? What?

In the doldrums of daily life, which includes meeting physical and emotional needs, I try to put first whichever person has the greatest need. Obviously an infant or small child has a greater need than an adult most of the time, unless they just want a graham cracker and your husband is dying in the bedroom from the flu and really needs that chicken soup, in which case, husband comes first.

In terms of conflict resolution, I try not to appear as if I am putting one person before the other, but I suppose I would choose whichever person seemed to feel the most powerless (providing, of course, that his position is defensible). So in terms of dealing with a teenage boy, well, I usually choose to stand by my husband, to support him in his inarguably undesirable step-parent position, which is generally one of powerlessness, and because he is usually right and my teenage son, is, well, usually wrong.But not always, and I have no qualms about going to bat for my teenager if necessary and appropriate. Thank goodness we get along fine so am not challenged too much on this. Of course, Husband's perspective is that I ALWAYS side with Boy, but I don't think that's true.

Now, when it comes to life and death snap decisions, like, the boat is going down and neither your child nor your husband can swim but you can and you can only save one of them, which would it be? Is there even a question? Why, I would save my child, of course. Husband understands this. It's just primal instinct and there is nothing any of us can do to fight it.

If I surmise, using my infallible judgement, that my need at the moment is greater than either of theirs, then I put myself first.

[Meadowmouse]

For me, it is very important in theory that I try nuture the husband as well as the children. He came first and our family is built on our union and I want to protect that.

The kiddies require a lot of intense day-to-day attention, but I make sure to save some shoulder pats, kisses, etc for the hubbie. Men don't always require much but I want to make sure that he always feels like an important member of the household he helped create.

[sophie]

de-lurking because this is a topic that i have thought a lot about. in my first relationship, with my kids' dad, i always put his emotional needs before my own, but the kidlets' needs trumped all, as they were small. looking back, i wonder if i stayed with him as long as i did for their sake or for his. certainly wasn't for mine!
now, with my wonderful husband, our relationship (in theory) comes first, but really, there aren't that many tests to it, so by default, the kids come first. of course, it is much easier now that they are 9 and 7 (oh my g_d, do i really have kids that age!?)
i find that i don't have to work at putting myself first because my husband puts me first (ahead of himself that is). i know that i am very blessed, but i also learned and earned this blessing through the pain i suffered with the kids' father. oh, and wouldn't you just know it -- his girlfriend is jealous of the little time that the girls actually spend with him!
in my family of origin, my parents' marriage came first. i take great pride in watching them hold hands together after more than 30 years of marriage. my dad still brings home flowers for no reason. and one of my girlfriends, who is in her forties, said that my parents were the first role models she has ever had for a healthy relationship. i grew up feeling very secure and loved in my immediate family, and knowing that i was not the centre of the universe.
this is a long comment, but i also had to say, mollie, i am so with you on the self-sufficient children!
tertia -- you and marko and kate and adam are gorgeous and divine. i am so glad that you have your family -- i've been lurking since before your pregnancy.

[tess]

tough one to answer, because how can you define "putting one first" if all of us were bleeding who would get the first bandaid? who gets more of my time????

immediate needs. food/hunger/cold etc.
my husband CAN take care of his own, i can comprehend that i can take care of mine in a few minutes, but my children do not. so they come first when they have immediate needs.

i give them different sorts of love. my love for the babies and sebastian can be translated into one extra story, staying with each of them for bathtime, smoothing out their blankets.

with sebastian (and charles) it is encouraging. reinforcing that home is a safe haven and that our family unit is a fun place to be. and that seb is an integral part of that unit...how would he like to contribute?

with charles, i don't get upset when he comes home late, because i trust that he wanted to be here with me. i listen to him even if i have heard the story before. i bolster his ego. as wtih the babies, it is also time, but it is different. it is being less judgemental, more understanding, easier. more accepting.

and me. i deny myself a lot, but i compensate for it impressively. i know myself well enough to know how to best cherish myself. i come first when i can do it wholeheartedly.

time, love, encouragement and thoughtfulness. they all come first, i just show it in different ways.

[wendynoel]

It should be:
1. me
2. kids
3. husband

but it really is
1. kids
2. husband
3. me

I am seriously running out of juice. If I don't take care of me first, how can I give to my loved ones? I am really working on changing it.

[Abby]

In our house it depends. My husband, 6 yo daughter and I each come 1st when the occasion warrents it. It generally depends who wants/needs what. As my daughter has gotten older she takes up 1st place less of the time, with both my husband and myself.

[shaunacat]

Okay...I'm late to the game but I'll play. :o)

I'm currently pregnant with our first baby, and I am 26 while my husband is 25. Up until I became pregnant, it was always
1. him
2. me.

And not because he made it that way, but because I did. I grew up in a household where my mother took care of my father - they were very close and did everything together. Of course, he put her first as well so it was kind of a tie. She was 100 percent devoted to him and cared for him every minute until he passed away from kidney cancer in 2003.

So I'm guessing I do this because it's the example I had growing up, and because to be honest - it just feels right. But now that I'm (21 weeks!) pregnant - I am realizing that this baby most definitely comes first. So I'm guessing the new dynamic come August will be:
1. baby/husband
2. me.

Interesting how what you see if usually what you emulate, isn't it?

[Diana]

Hubby has a three year old daughter from a previous marriage. From the time we were engaged, he made it clear that HE comes first. I disagreed, but then realized that a lot of that had to do with the fact that he hadn't properly bonded with his daughter. I'd say now it's
step-daughter
hubby (close second)
me

Case in point: last night we had leftover pizza for a late dinner. Sd claimed she wanted mac and cheese (which she always asks for) but I told her it was pizza. Had she refused to eat the pizza, I would have made the easy mac. We had 4 pieces (small pieces). Two for hubby, one for sd, and one for me. Well, sd went to town and started her second after finishing her first, so I had chips and salsa instead. Hubby still had 2 pieces, sd had 2 pieces, and I had something different. I'm not going to deprive a child food, but I'm also not going to have my husband forage in a mostly empty kitchen.

[Kirsten]

1. Kids
2. Husband
3. Me

[Mandy]

I grew up in a house where mom came first in many bad ways, but she pretended that she put everyone else first. She still does that a lot, treating everyone like crap and then going on and on about how much she does for everyone.

How I will be is mostly theory at this point since the baby isn't here yet, but I can tell you I've got a huge picture in my head of what NOT to do.

I think at first when the baby is little and completely dependent it will be be baby, then husband and me but it will also depend on the situation. If it is between cooking dinner for hubby and me or sleeping, at least at first I'm going to sleep because he can fend for himself and feed me too. :)

As the kiddo gets more independent, I think there will be times when there is less of a choice...like Moxie said that there could be times where I could read (something for me) while the kiddo plays (something for him/her) and husband relaxes. I just know we have a long road from here to there.

I think for me, it will change and evolve and that's alright.

[Carol]

1. baby
2. three-year-old
3. computer
4. book I'm reading right now
5. cactus in living room
6. long-suffering husband

[Ally]

Our boy is just 6 months so most of the time he comes first. Hubby and I tie for second - like someone else said, we do our best to take care of each other. He often encourages me to put myself first, ahead of the dirty dishes and laundry but I still have a hard time doing it!

As the baby gets older I guess we'll all take turns.

[Rose]

For the past and present my husband has always come first in my life both in theory and in practice however in August most definitly our baby will be first in theory & practice.

[Rachel]

Husband, me, child. This is why half of the population is divorced...they forget their marriage once they have children. The best way to love your kids is to have a stable marriage. Kids feel so secure in that.

Rach

[Drama Queen]

Kids come first because they are still small children who need so very much help (and watching). We are adults who can care for ourselves.

That being said, it's not like I only focus on the kids and abandon him. We both agree the children are our focus, but not to our detriment. We're still a very happy couple and we spend a lot of time talking and joking around. We spend time alone in the evenings after the girls have gone to bed. Rather than having our time be an exclusive thing, we tend to make it a family thing (we've always done the "family date" where we'll go out somewhere as a family).

My mom didn't only put me first, she put me up on a pedestal and completely forgot that my father existed. I'm an adult and it's still very much that way. She'll do anything for me, but she'll bitch and moan about anything and everything my father does.

Dh grew up in a family where the kids were the least important thing. His parents put themselves and their activities WAY above their kids needs. The kids were left home alone from a very young age while the parents were out doing their own thing. They didn't do a lot of the typical family things. He absolutely hated that.

[hols]

kids come 1st for us.....
its because hubs can take care of himself.. and the kids are not yet self sufficiant. i know that he would sometimes like it to be different.....but its not. i generally try to do things that round us all out.... i dont think anyone is suffering. atleast i hope not!! lol

[violetcrumble]

In reality:
Baby
Husband
Self

In theory:
Husband & Self (or, "the marriage")
Baby

I agree w/ many of the others who say that a solid marriage is the best foundation for happy children.

I was raised by my mother, who made me the centre of her universe. She sacrificed everything to make me happy; only, I wasn't happy. I was a drug-addled, self-destructive young adult. I have never witnessed a happy marriage among any of my parents (real & step), therefore had no role models. My first marriage sucked. My second marriage is great, so far, but I've got to watch my tendency to self-destruct and sabotage.

Interesting question.

[Cal]

For Waldman, the choice isn't "who do I love best", but "who wouldn't I kill if it would save my husband?" And her kids don't make the cut, unfortunately.

Also, how pathetic is it that just two weeks ago Waldman was discussing her public announcement that she was considering suicide and now she's pretending that life with hubby and kids is just wonderful?
Links to her other articles here.

[Marwan]

And you women wonder why guys don't want to get married... why would a man choose to put himself in a relationship where he is routinely not a priority except for his wallet and bug squashing?

Why should a man accept the burden of a selfish wife and a child when he get nothing out of it except and empty wallet and unfulfilled love life and sex life?

Lets be honest here... you women WANT to have the child and look after it, you want to be in a family like that, you want to have the time to do that. You regularly get all of it, and then have the cheek to put the man who sacrifices so much for that at the bottom of the list of priorities.

Lets face is, you are selfish people who act the martyr and act liek you are not.

[dissertation]

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