Planning ahead

One of the (many) crap things about infertility is that you can never plan ahead.  Oh, in the beginning you foolishly think you can.  You say things like ‘oh we can’t go on that holiday in July because I might be pregnant by then’.  Cue hysterical laughter.  Or ‘I wont do the spare room up because we might have a baby soon and it will be the nursery’.  More hysterical laughter.  Eventually, after a few years of no baby in sight you think what the hell and buy that summer outfit, or plan that holiday.  That’s if of course you have two cents to rub together after paying for all your (failed) treatment.

And nothing changes when you eventually, hopefully, get pregnant.  Buy baby things?  ARE YOU CRAZY?  You never know what could happen.

I’ve been living this way for five years.  Ask me where I saw myself in five years time? I wouldn’t been able to tell you where I saw myself in five months time, never mind five years.  I was so used to the universe fucking me and my plans / dreams over.

That mentality is difficult break. 

The fabulous annual Woolies summer sale was on this week.  I was armed to the teeth with previously mentioned generous gift certificate.  Rose and I were waiting outside the doors at sparrows fart, ready to elbow aside other intrepid shoppers.  Woolies has the best baby clothes and that always goes first.  My sister, she of three kids fame, wisely advised that I buy clothes for the babes for next summer, size 12-18 months.  So I did, I rushed in and grabbed stuff.  Lots of really gorgeous things. 

And then I got a twinge.  A rush of nervousness.  I thought to myself ‘are you sure you should be buying this now, you know, planning that far ahead.  You know, in case…..’

IN CASE WHAT?????   What the hell was I thinking?  In case what?  I couldn’t even think it, it was too sick.  I am so used to things not working out, to having happiness whipped away from me that even now I can’t believe that this will last.  Even now, I find it incredibly hard to believe that this is it.  The pain is over, I have my babies now.  To keep. 

The scars run so deep.  It makes me sad.  Infertility casts a long shadow.

PS:  POOF!!  That’s my voucher disappearing in a flash of spending smoke.  The babes thank you again for your generosity.  Got such cute big boy and big girl things for next year.  Can’t believe they are going to be that big.

Comments

[Kel]

Time to cast away that time frame hestitation. Next time you have that thought, the very next thought in your head should be, "And that dark time in my life is over now and I never have to feel that way again. Yipee (or other appropriate SA phrase)."

One of the other gifts they will give you is the immedicacy of life. Your life and theirs. No more putting of and no more, "I'll just get this together when..."

How nice. Jump on in, the waters great.

Kel

[Rhonda]

I burst into tears when I read your post because it's just too damn true.

[Stacey]

You're lucky, I'm assuming you never get cold weather there.

I bought C 12-18 month clothes for this summer, and she's already outgrowing the 12 month clothes I bought. So much for my nice summer outfits. :(

It was such a good sale too, breaks the heart.

[Tine]

Tertia, I know exactly how you feel. When our kiddo was a few months old and his personality was really starting to blossom, my husband and I whispered to each other that the boy was so excellent, we were afraid our karma was tipped WAY off balance and something awful was going to happen. Thank God we snapped out of that mindset. You will, too, with every delicious day you spend with those gorgeous babies.

[Elizabeth]

Ok, my ds is nearly two and I still feel the same way but it is better. I am always amazed when other moms buy stuff for the future or happily make plans. I think, what are you crazy, keep your voice down the evil fate gods might hear you and snatch it all away.

[Woodys Girl]

Once upon a time, back at TLOL, Embee coined a term I've kept in the back of my head all these years.... "Magical Thinking."

She used it then in reference to how many of us feel like we could "jinx" ourselves out of being PG (and/or staying PG). That somehow it was "safer" to not speak of the pregnancy, not to plan ahead, lest you tempt fate.

And you know... though much of my life has (unintentionally) been lived under that spell, I KNOW it's not true.

Tertia darling, none of us is ever promised ANYTHING. I thank God every day that you have Adam and Kate, and truly, deeply hope that they are bringing you the joy that you have sought for so long! I know that nothing will ever completely heal you of the suffering you have endured... nothing will erase the grief... but try to enjoy today for what it is.

I think all parents worry about their children, and kids have a way of making us all too aware of the fragility of life. Those feelings are normal, and certainly are magnified when you have dealt with infertility and/or losses. I'm not surprised that you find dark thoughts creeping into your mind (I know I've certainly had my share since becoming a mom!).

Like I said, enjoy the moment, for as many "moments" as you are given. Because you know what? You might NOT get to use those clothes for them next summer! But it totally could just be because they have outgrown them already. ;-)

BTW, has Marko done a repeat of "Night Duty" again? Are you ever going to tell him how cute it was to overhear him sharing that "secret" with Kate?

Much love to you and your family,
Jennifer

[Mollie]

I'm with Rhonda, here, teary.

It is the same for me. Exactly the same. I am getting better, though, the older they get.

[Marivic]

No seriously, I really just might have to steal your babies. And when I do I'll be sure to remind them of their brilliant mom that drove me to do it with lines like "for keeps".

Thanks for a nice moment in the middle of my kids being home cuz there's no school day. Ugh. Enjoy...!

[SheilaC]

You are so right, Tertia. (And Woody's Girl.) I still catch myself having some of those superstitious fears, even now that our triplets are almost 5. And I'm struggling now to adjust to how grown up they are getting, kindergarten in 6 more months, probably no more babies... Deciding our family is complete is making me revisit all those IF issues again.

On the other hand, sometimes those painful superstitious feelings work in a positive way. We have just decided to buy plane tickets for all 5 of us to go surprise my mother 2000 miles away for her 70th birthday. It's a challenge to get away, and it's expensive, but DH said yes, we should Just Do It. Because my mom has had health problems in the last 5 years, and we should go ahead and celebrate, "carpe diem" and all that, while we all have our health and can enjoy a good party. He's absolutely right, so we're going, hooray!

Congratulations on the new baby and big-kid clothes!

And by the way, it's okay to keep a huge bag or box of clothes they've outgrown, that you can't bear to part with because you loved them so much, or because that's what they are wearing in some of your favourite pictures. You should see my basement!

[Moxie]

Um, I hate to tell you this, but it's entirely possible that they won't be that size next summer. Especially if they tend to be long kids.

But welcome to having clothes that don't fit be the biggest "what if" in your life. It's a good feeling.

[Lily]

I'm six months pregnant, and today my aunt left a message telling me to empty my car out and go to her house so she could give me all her baby stuff (her last baby just turned four).
I will be going with my mother, putting the stuff in her car, and letting her take it to her house. I cannot bring myself to set up a bassinet, to pile up toys, clothes. I have a few items that were given to me in a corner of a shelf in the closet in the OFFICE (not nursery yet).
It's too soon. I'm not ready. I don't know when I will be.

But, it does make me feel better to know just how non-foreboding that feeling is- you've had it all along and your babies are here, so maybe mine will be too.

[Sara]

...in case.... THEY"RE BOTH SO HEALTHY THAT THEY'RE WEARING SIZE 24MO CLOTHES!

There: Its a *postive* "in case." There is such a thing :)

And its very possible, depending on size and brand. Mine was wearing 12mos clothes at 6mos... :)

[Scarlett]

Wow. You touched me with this entry. I am crying because I competely understand where you are coming from.

I think it does get better. But for me it hasn't gone away.

[Summer]

Oh, yeah. I catch myself doing that subconscious "what if" sometimes too. As if, God forbid, something did happen, I'd really regret having wasted $4 on those clearance Doc Martens boots three sizes too big.

I think Adam and Kate's summer wardrobe will be fine. It looks like they're long and slender babies, taking after their handsome parents. With summer clothes, it doesn't matter how far the arms and legs stick out. My slender son had a few pairs of 12 and 18 month trousers that I finally retired after his second birthday.

[Pazel]

You took the words right out of my mouth.

In the back of my minivan right now is the stroller and carseat still in their original boxes. I don't have the nerve to take them out, and my c-section is less than a month away.

All the little clothes are still hanging in the closet with tags on them. None of them have been washed yet and I have no bag packed. I am foolish but feel that doing so would be foolhardy.

I also still have fertility drugs in my refrigerator because... If I throw them out it would be bad juju and then I would have no baby and have to buy the drugs all over again (as if that would be my worst problem). And as if I would go through that all again.

Your shopping trip sounds fabulous. How fun to shop for both a baby boy and girl (although I can't help but wonder if Kate will get more because we all know that girls' clothes are the cutest).

[Trish]

You've seen hell, sweetie- what did you expect? That it wasn't going to permanently burn into your memories and affect your emotions/thoughts/self for the rest of your life? Haha- silly girl :)

Your post was beautiful- as are the twins. You'll always have that niggling little worry in your mind, but that's because you've had something very precious ripped away from you once- you don't ever want to go through that again. But it's normal- 100% normal.

[Sandy]

Oh Tertia, I know just what you mean...I am still sleeping most nights in chair next to Sydney's bed checking on her throughout the night, and she is a year old already!

Infertility robs you of your carefreeness...is that a word? I still have my gonal F in the fridge!

[Anna]

You don't have to have infertility scars to get that scary "something bad will happen" feeling; simple depression will do it. Or simply realizing that your love for your child is like a deep hole stretching out and down in front of you that you know will never be filled, because it gets bigger every day of your life. It's frightening how easily you could fall into it, and breathtaking that you could fall into it, and hope that it would never end.

[Becki]

Tertia, I still get the same fears. My daughter is two and a half and sometimes I look at her in amazement that I still have her--and she's always been big and healthy. (in fact, even as I write that, I worry that my saying she's healthy will cause her not to be. Sheesh).

I will pray extra prayers for the beautiful babes. Yours and mine.

[Dana]

6 mos pg and have not bought thing one. got the gonal f in the fridge too. thought I was the only one!

[Niki Alvey]

I remember when my MIL brought over a 4T coat for my son when he was just born. (At the time I had 4 miscarriages, now I have had 8.) It was such a good deal she didn't want to pass it up and after all "he would grow into it." My first thought was, "but what if he doesn't live that long?" OMG.

I couldn't believe I thought that. I felt horrible thinking that but I couldn't help it. I had to hide it in the back of his closet so I didn't look at it and think about it again. He is just over two now and I still can't buy him things that are bigger than one size up. I hope one day I can "get over" this :). What a horrible way to think.

Thank you so much for saying you have the same thoughts and generating a discussion about it. I really thought that I was the only one with these thoughts and that there was something wrong with me. It is comforting to know it is much more common that I realized.

[katie]

I'm sure that infertility must bring that feeling of NO CONTROL to the surface all the time. I have never struggled with it, infertility, but I think that way a lot. If my husband goes out of town I think, will his plane end up on some farm field? If my children take a car ride with a friend or family member I think, will they end up mangled on the interstate? I don't limit it just to them. I think about dying and leaving my babies for someone else to raise. It's sick. I know it. Much of it is a mother's mind. We have to be alert to danger in order to protect our own. Part of it is being a control freak and knowing you can not be in the driver seat of life. It's the biggest reason to run to the solace of God. He is the greatest comfort on my life. There's just no other way for me to cope. It helps knowing what I know of God, that He's not out to zap me. He loves me and my family and wants what's best for us. All the same, those things happen to people every day. I still know that the same loving God would weep with me in that time. So, I'm not in control. God is. He knows best. It's still hard. We'll know more one day.

[Lou]

You know, I think that is kind of a normal feeling. I have the exact same thoughts when I buy stuff ahead. . .what if soemthing bad happens and I am stuck w/o my babe looking at the damn 9 to 12 month close and hating myself for ever buying them. . .then I tell myself to shut up and get on with buying the baby clothes! Motherhood brings you to a level of paranoia that has the ability to leave you completely mentally unhinged if you can't put a stop to the whirlwind thoughts in your head. That's just how it is.
I know what you mean about having every plan you make get completely erased. I have stopped making plans for that very reason! Que sera sera.

[Leggy]

Oh Tertia,
I can so relate to "what if" yucky thoughts.

Luckily, I tend not to think "bad thoughts" as much about The Cutie Pie as I do about my mother or my husband (which I'm ashamed to admit). I think its a) its too horrific to contemplate anything happening to The Cutie Pie and b) while I've been scared by IF, most of the death I've experienced is with adults and so that's what I tend to "expect." (I lost my brother, my dad, and my uncle in my early 20's). I still get anxious if the phone rings late at night or early in the morning because its hard not to turn off the part of the brain that "expects" a freak accident.

I used to beat myself up that this paranoia was about "wishing" bad things to happen. Now I realize that its my way of trying to anticipate what's the next bad thing that's going to happen? I think its a form of self-protection. And its a horrible cycle to break out of, but its part of the grieving process, which I think you are still going through. Recognize that its there, that its the fear that does it, that you are not "wishing" bad things, and do whatever you can to talk yourself out of it. The more time that goes by enjoying the ups/downs of mommyhood and getting further from IF crap (assuming you don't plan to put yourself through TTC again), hopefully, the less it will be part of your regular thought process.

Anyway, sorry for the rambling psychoanalysis. I hope some of it was useful.

[Christina]

Hey Tertia. One of your blog "lurkers" here. I'm going through a second round of IVF, and you hit right on the head the reason it will likely be my last: The inability to plan even a few months into the future is making me bonkers . So nice to read about someone who's past all that. Shop and enjoy!

[Colleen]

So if we took a birds eye view over South Africa would there have been the same scene in every Woolies on the day of the opening Sale?

My guess: YES! There I was 7 months pregnant looking at these beautiful little outfits too petrified to purchase.

[Meloney]

Hi there, I just came across your site wow I can tell Im really going to enjoy reading , I totally understand what you mean about not being able to plans things when your trying to get pregancy Im due for ivf soon and I worry that if I go on a short holiday and my cylce{ which is due too} starts Then I need to be there and not hours away and it does make it hard to plan anything as it usually ends up out the door, even when you need a break but as you say then you have propably no money as it all on treatment and if I go on a hoilday I feel guitly as it could be used in getting a baby.
I said to my huddy that ww will have a week away after this treatment hopely it will work and we will be celebrating, it would of been nice to go away as it our second anversarity .
Im glad that your dreams came true for you .