After Ben died, I went to see a psychologist. Who by the way is the most wonderful person, she is just amazing. She came to see me at home while I was on bedrest and has sent me the most beautiful emails full of support and encouragement. I wish I could actually post them, I might ask her. And who reads my blog (told you I was totally out the closet).
She explained something to me that made so much sense. After Ben died, one of the hardest things for me to deal with was feeling so desperately sad all the time. That sounds odd perhaps, but it totally freaked me out that I was so sad. I just wanted to stop being sad, at all costs. I was so scared that I would be this sad person forever. Who was this version of Tertia? This sad, broken Tertia. I didn’t know this person, I didn’t like this person. Would I ever be the fun, outgoing, joking Tertia again? Who was I? It freaked me out. I asked my psychologist why I was like this, and she said it was a fear of a loss of self, which is a big thing. After all, if you lose your sense of self, of who you are, then who are you, your whole world has no anchor, no reference point?
And that just made so much sense to me. I was so scared that the old Tertia was lost forever, the fun, happy one. I didn’t want to become Sad Tertia. People wouldn’t like Sad Tertia, she would be alone and lonely, forever. We worked through that and I realized that while I probably couldn’t ever go back to the old Tertia exactly in its previous form, the one pre-Ben, and nor would I want to, the new Tertia could be even better than before. Still fun, happy and joking, but now with parts of Ben that made me even better. Softer, more compassionate. Tertia, but More.
Learning that this fear of a loss of self is a real and legitimate thing to go through also helped me understand what I went through the first few months after getting married. I am not sure if you went through this as well, I suppose it depends if you got married early or late, but a few of my friends also went through this.
I wanted to get married, I was 30 and not only was the timing perfect, but I had met the perfect man. However, after I got married, probably month 2 to 3’ish, I went through a bit of an identity crisis. I thought ‘who am I?’ I had gone from fun, flirty Tertia who, to be honest, defined herself by her attractiveness, sexiness and flirty’ness to this Wife person, who wasn’t supposed to flirt, right? If I wasn’t that person then who the hell was I? I could still be attractive to others, I could probably still flirt a bit (flirting is like breathing, you have to do it to stay alive), but things had changed. That air of raw sexual attraction towards other men couldn’t be part of my personality any more. Well it could I suppose, but I didn’t want it to be. I was Marko’s wife and that was no longer appropriate or who I wanted to be. And so I was at a loss for a while. If I wasn’t attractive with that sexual edge any more, then what was I? Would I be this bland, grey wife-person? A cardboard copy of millions of others? I had to change my sense of self and I did, and I far liked the new Tertia than the old (who by the way is still gorgeous and divine, but no longer with that overt sexual thing). But it took me a while and for a month or two I felt really lost.
I am going through a similar change in how I define myself. I think this is what I was alluding to, in part, a while ago when I said I am struggling with the transition from infertile Tertia to mother Tertia. Letting go and moving on has been difficult, it requires yet another redefinition of who I am. This morning at five, when I was supposed to be squeezing in the last few minutes of sleep, I was lying in bed thinking about my life, about where I am and I realized that once again my life has shifted direction quite radically. The old Tertia has gone, forever. The Tertia who came first, or second to her husband, has gone. My role is now as mother is one where, for the rest of my life, I will have to put the needs of others (my children and husband) before mine. And it is what I want. I want this life. But I will be honest and say I was a little sad to say goodbye to the Tertia who came first, Tertia the child, Tertia the wife. Tertia the mother is the most important job I have to do now, for at least the next couple of years. Yes I am still my parent’s child, my husband’s lover, but my role as mother is the one that is overriding at the moment. It is no longer about me, it is about my family. And that is ok, it just that my farewell to the old Tertia is tinged with more than a hint of nostalgia.
I suppose that is life, the redefining of roles, the changes in the way you see yourself. I also think it part of the ‘shock’ of motherhood that we speak about. I think that motherhood, in a large way, marks the end of your childhood, once and forever. Being a child is a role that is defined by the fact that others (are supposed to) care for you, it is (supposed to be) a time in your life where your needs are paramount, where your small world revolves around you. Once you become a mother, that ends. You change from the protected to the protector. It is a life changing, role-redefining thing to go through.
Farewell old Tertia, hope you had fun while you could, I might see you back again in 18 years or so? Don’t forget about me.
Side note: I know I am supposed to be sleeping. I blog instead of sleeping, but how can I sleep when I have this stuff in my head. It has to come out, it must. Or else the ‘noise’ keeps me awake. What do people do who don’t blog? I think I would go crazy with all of this inside my head.