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Married for 12 years, 3 kids (11, 20 months, and 3 months old) we are the once a week kind of folks. Although, we did break our record and twiced it this week for our anniversary ;-)

Living together and a few days away from marriage, no kids, but fairly busy lives. We're every other day people, but I'm sure that will change with time and kids.

IF makes it feel like your nether regions are a large grubby train terminal that thousands of strangers pass through every day - and then when you get a really friendly natural visitor sometimes it's hard to forget the loudspeakers about departure times, the queues for tickets, the probing masses.

A friend of mine has promised to write a book about getting back in the saddle after birth but I think she's too busy having lots of s-e-x. The only thing that I remember from her tips is that it's really important to reconnect physically with your mate because otherwise it's like your body only belongs to the babies and that for many men the first expression of true intimacy is physical and so this is hard.

You'll sleep better, you'll feel better and you'll get to reconnect with your previous incarnation that you were talking about earlier - she's a mother! she's a hotty! (as they say in the boonies)

When I'm feeling cranky and uninspired I just remind myself that it is the cheapest and fastest way to be pretty happy!

I've never done it. Says it all about my libido really :)

I am a once-a-week kind of gal that wishes she had the energy/time/lack of excuses ;) to become a once-a-day woman!

When I was pregnant with the twins, I think I went to the gym a total of two times. Maybe three.

After they were born it was almost 8 months before I even thought of going to the gym. My husband, who really enjoys going to the gym, understood though and was content to wait for me to get back into gym going mood.

They are now 18 months old and while we still aren't going to the gym on a regular basis, we do manage to get there a few times a month.

I think part of it is due to his varied work schedule, the amount of overtime he is putting in training for his new position at work, (more money yay!) the twins cutting molars and sleeping like crap, and just sheer exhaustion.

We used to be every other day gym goers. But we both know that like many things in a marriage, things ebb and flow.

Good luck with your own trips to the gym!

Have you noticed that your babes have radar as soon as any gym activity starts they wake up? Or is that just my two? HAHA ;o)

I would be happy for once-a-week, but in reality at this point, we're lucky if we get in once-a-month. I don't think DH and I have done to the gym since January.

I'm more a once a week girl sometimes every other. Being pg and having a toddler really makes me tired and feel icky most of the time so poor hubby doesn't get it as often as he'd like.

My daughter is just about 14 months old, and I think I can count on one hand the number of times we've gone to the gym since I was pregnant. It seems strange to me now to have sex without the desire to be pregnant in my mind somewhere. It has been so many years since I've had sex without that being the ultimate purpose. We are starting to get back into the swing of things. We are once every week or two kind of people, in part because he's gone for work so much. It's something instinctual too--your body shouldn't be getting pregnant again right now so your hormones tell you to stay away from something that can get you pregnant (in theory). You'll get back to your old self soon enough, don't worry.

Once a week?? I'll freaking TAKE it!

Good lord, if I get it once a MONTH I'm lucky, and I think we even went for six months or more one time. Yes, we've had counselling in this area, and no, it didn't solve the problem. Kids made it worse, of course, but I'm hoping that recent developments will make this sort of exercise of the squishy moist parts more frequent.

I am weird. I ALWAYS wanted it more than my husband. Always.

Once a week kind of gal but wishes it was more often...and sometimes not...With a baby in the house the priorities get skewed here too.

When I feel like we've not had enough "alone" time we send our baby packing to grandma's house. We may get busy...we may not...I do try to set the mood though if I've purposely sent the kiddo off though. Lots of soft music, soft clothes, soft lighting....and lots of wine.

I swim twice a week while the kids take lessons, and I aim to get to the gym about as often. Some weeks it works, some it doesn't. I notice if I go more than a week.

For the nine months after the babies were born, if I got to the gym once a month, it was good.

My husband would work out every day, twice, if he could.

It's been a really long time since I was married but before kids we were an at-least-every-other-day kind of couple and after kids we were a no-more-than-three-days-without couple. I guess that's a lot. I never realized that before.

The exception to this was the time right after the kids were born. I was tired, my boobs were full of milk and I had too much on my plate.

What really helped was if the husband did a lot of really nice things for me around the house and then rubbed my feet and gave me a massage while telling me what a fabulous mother and beautiful woman I was (am?). Definitely helped both get me in the mood and put me of a mind to reward him.

My boyfriend's been away for 3.5 weeks so I haven't been to the "gym" recently and won't for another 3 weeks. When he is around though we're there about 3/4 times a week. But we're students so may fall out of your demographic. I'll come and leave another comment in 15 years :)

I have a chronic migraine--for the last 7 months. When it started, it was 63 days straight(it's a bit better now). The phrase "not tonight, dear, I have a headache," really means something in our house.
Couple that with the depression that being in chronic pain(and bipolar) brings, and...yeah. I think the last time was...ummm...hmmm..

As of June 2005, it'll be 16 years since I went to the "gym". Seriously. Really. I'm telling the truth.

That is by choice. I didn't want a parade of my men through my house while raising a child.

But prior to the very long dry spell, I was a three to four times a week gymnast. The ex was once a week. I'm amazed we had a child.

As for George Clooney and visiting me. He can do the laundry after we shag. Many numerous times. The shagging that is.

I usually try for about twice a week, barring my period when going to the gym bothers me (but not him!). My husband would go about once a day, or so he thought, until one month when I tried a new bcp which had the side effect of making me extremely interested (for all of one month). You would have thought he should have been thrilled. I was interested all the time and let him know it. He hated it. He felt stalked. He thought I was insane. So, now he doesn't complain so much--knowing that I now know he does not want what he thinks he does.

I think a woman who has gone through what you have and is now facing extended sleep deprivation would not have much interest--at least not until those cuties are sleeping through the night. It makes sense, especially after having your body medicalized for so long.

Sometimes, if I am not interested I will let him give me a back rub to see if it makes me a little more interested, but I think you might just fall asleep ;)

We don't get to the gym very often since the baby was born. Talk about going in the a.m. and then by then night we are both dead. But, usually when I am in the mood to go, it's like 2 in the afternoon and there is a nap going on and my husband is off at work. Then I just go to the gym alone!

I think now that we are such oldsters, both of us are "once a weekers." Isn't that sad? But we are happy, so it's what's normal for us.

There are two ways to think about sex, both of them presuming a GOOD emotional relationship with your partner (because if there are marital issues, then the second way is probably not appropriate): Way #1: sex is a romantic activity that begins with a nice dinner and a fine wine, continues on to 4 hours of foreplay, complete with lots of whispered nothings, bladdity bladdity, or, Way #2: sex is a physical need, much like eating or drinking or using the toilet, and if you love someone, you let them "get fed" whenever they need it, even if you have to sleep through it. In turn, they show their appreciation by making it quick. :-)

Before baby, we went to the gym almost every day. After baby it took a very long time before I wanted to go at all. When we finally started going again, it was once a week. Now we've worked ourselves up to going every 2-3 days.

I'm like Mollie ... I could totally be a once-a-day kind of gal, but I'd be thrilled to get it once a week. For the past six months or so we've been hitting the gym only once or twice a month. Bah.

I'm afraid I'm a once-a-week kind of gal, too. Just as you say, it always feels great afterwards, and I think "we should do this more often", but somehow there's too much stuff in the way most of the time. Now, if my husband were more of a morning guy, I could imagine lots more opportunities... I'm just not full of energy at the end of a long day. But after a good night's sleep, with the prospect of a hot shower afterwards, wow!

I've always been a once-a-day kinda gal, but my partner is more like a once-a-monther. We don't have any kids, though. :)

I used to be a once a week gal, and would love to return, but after giving birth 3 months ago and tearing, not all of me is ready to hit the gym like I used to.

It truly sucks and my husband, whom I always outpaced in the wanting to go to the gym department, has been UNSTOPPABLE since I gave birth. What, did he always want me to have a fat ass and a saggy belly?

We were 5/6x a week until pregnancy/childbirth. Then there was a lull until the babe hit about 2. Now we're probably averaging 3-4x a week, although this month has been a dud. Funny how sleep dep really puts sex on the back burner.

We're 1/2x a week gym goers. I would gladly go every day, or at least 4-5 times a week ( a girl does need some recovery time :)). My sweetie is still recovering from the long dry spells of being a bachelor and is adjusting to being able to have it whenever he wants. (Which means we went to the gym like rabbits, several times a day the first six months, then the novelty wore off, and he's been a once a week or so gym go-er since then). I've always wanted it more. I know what helps us (and admittedly I don't have twins getting in the way :)) is setting the mood, without expectation of actually doing stuff--little things like going to bed at the same time, snuggling, putting on favorite music, wearing something besides an old tee shirt to bed, showering together before bed, etc all have a way of upping the weekly count. Plus I have found that when I don't get it, my interest drops way down, but when I do, then I am all the more interested--so sometimes you just gotta make yourself get in the habit of gym going and then you are bona fide gym addict before long. :P :P Happy work outs :)

Tertia, you are perfectly normal, and so is Marko. You'll just have to find a compromise that suits you both.
I myself by my husband hookers and blow up dolls. It's a joke people. We don't own blow-up dolls.

I have always been a once a week girl, and thankfully, my husband is a once a week guy. However, I've had two periods of time that were exceptions. The first was when I went on Wellbutrin (an anti-depressant) awhile back and my libido went through the roof. Orgasms all over the place. The second was during my second trimester last fall. I wanted to have sex morning, noon and night. Unfortunately, this happended to happen around the time when we were taking Prepared Childbirth classes and watching nasty birth videos. They traumatized my husband and he was not too keen on touching me for awhile.

I just had my six week appointment, after which you are officially allowed to "do it." And it is the last thing on my mind.

We are more the every other day kinda people, although sometimes more often.. and sometimes a little less... but then our kids sleep in their own rooms, (right through the night), is potty trained, gets their own water and can switch the TV on when they wake up and doesn't feel the need to wake us up! LOL
(Kids are 11, 8 & 5)

Hey, don't ask me, I'm asexual: more of a "not any more, ever, please" type of girl. ;)

Well, now that we all know how often we exercise, I was just thinking of that old Woody Allen movie, where Woody and Diane are speaking to their therapists separately --
Woody says, "we NEVER have sex! I mean once or twice a week at the most!" cut to Diane who says, "God! we have sex all the time! once or twice a week!"
Hub says he is yearning for it the morning after. I could go for two weeks probably.

Been so long for me that I forgot who ties up whom.

Used to be 2-4x a week, pre-kids, which was fine with me usually. Husband would probably prefer more like every other day or even every day.

Between sleep deprivation and nursing, I would by preference now only go to the gym once every other month or so. I know once the baby (now 6 mos. and a rotten sleeper) gets to sleeping better and especially after I quit nursing, I'll probably feel more like it. Now we're probably averaging once a week or every 10 days. I suppose it's fun enough once we get started but I'd still skip it most of the time if it were just me.

Luckily, we've been married a long time and I've explained this enough times to the husband that he understands, although he can pretty darn persistent about working in a trip to the gym when it's been a week or so. We do make an effort to spend time talking and showing affection every day, which helps in this area, too.

Just had a great talk with the husband about this very subject. I am the type to want it about every three days. That would be divine. He is content to go a week and a half or two without. Whatever. I know, I'm the one chomping at the bit. I examined my need for it recently and found that it is emotional all tied up in the physical. So he touches me more often and talks to me (looking in my eyes) more often and I am much more satisfied. So in the interim when you don't feel like it, let Marko know how desirable you think he is. You can also really gear up for sex in your mind. We make a concerted effort to say little things all during the day that lead up to the event. Even at breakfast. Give it a try. The more he loves your body during sex, the more divine you will feel in your skin. Sorry for the sermon, but I know how it feels to be the one without. Don't know about for guys, but I feel pretty unloved without it for long.

I was a regular gym goer, now I'm a "not even close to once a week" gal

I'm a "what is sex holy fuck do I miss it" kind of gal. ;)

Wow, juicy topic. I can't believe how much sex some of you get. You bunch of sexpots you! ;-)

In a perfect world, I'd be a once a week kind of gal and my hubby would be an every other day kinda guy. But, my hubby works nights and a lot of on-call time making his sleep and at home schedule really unpredictable. Add on two kids (3 & 5) and one on the way and it seems like the stars must be in some particular alignment before we actually get some. Although right now we're on "pelvic rest" due to placenta previa and go figure, but somehow I'm hornier than a spotted toad. So unfair.

I think that people should warn you that after giving birth you no longer have interest in sex for a very very long time. My babe is 14 months old and this is the first month I really feel like being an every day/twice a day kinda girl. But I'm blaming it completely on the fertility drugs...

Once a week kinda gal here. And for the first 6 months after my son's birth, never would have been fine with me.

You've described my feelings on this topic perfectly. Maybe if I get up the nerve, I'll have my sweetie read this post so he'll understand it's really not him, and that I'm really pretty normal.

Nah... he'd never believe I'm normal.

My husband and I go to the gym much much more than we have sex. It sucks too since I am having a low-risk pregnancy and now would be a great time to have lots of sex. But no. The older boys sleep deeply & reliably 10pm-7am but my husband is only interested in the daytime. At night he is busy listening to music and arranging LPs and whatnot. He's too tired for sex, not too tired to stay up until 2 doing anything but. Whatever.

Oh and I wanted to say we used to have plenty of sex (2-3x/week) and were both interested in it up until after our second was born. Since then it's been rarer and rarer. But at least we make it to the gym a lot these days.

My husband and I recently decided that we have to schedule sex or else it won't happen. We made a sort of pact to have sex once a week on the weekend.

We have a 3.5-year-old and a 7-month-old, and we're both pushing 40, so we're old and tired with young, energetic kids. I'm supposed to be doing him right now but relaxing at the computer is so much more on par with my energy level. Kind of like you said, Aragorn could strut in here and tell me he's left Arwen Evenstar for me and I'd be uninterested. I feel ya on this one.

Unfortunately only around the time of O right now...My mother even said to me the other day, ya know you can have sex for fun too. Ooops, I forgot.

The postpartum screwing was painful, but i'm glad I got it over with, the first time was definitely the hardest.

Before the child, I was a horny toad.

a bit of experience, from his perspective:

when a marriage is going well, and all is well on the getting it front, getting it is about 10% of what's going on.

when we're not getting it, getting it is about 90% of what's going on.

I'm in the same boat. (The libido of an ant that is...) We have 2 kids (ages 4 & 6) and my husband and I do it maybe once a week, if he's lucky. I feel so bad/guilty about it but I just don't want to/too tired etc. It's something that I always thought would get better with time but apparently it hasn't. I always wonder how often other people do it too.

Once a week. I just haven't enjoyed it in years. Due to my depression, it's been hard to feel in the mood.

PS-love your two threads on SA-love to learn about new cultures.

Hard to say, since being in a long distance relationship screws things up a bit. About every second day when we actually get to see each other, and then we're apart for months. The past two years it just didn't seem worth the energy more than once a month or so, whereas before that I'd have been happy with a few times a day if it had been an option. Then I went off my anti-depressants and discovered they were the culprit. I'm hoping to get back on something without that little sideeffect.

I've not had sex since the weekend my son was conceived. He is now 5 weeks old. I have absolutely no desire for sex at all!!! Ick gross. For some reason I cant even stand the thought!

i'm once a week, and i have few 'excuses'. partner doesn't complain, but i know he's a 'once a day' kinda guy. i'm just lucky i'm with (one of) the most patient guy(s) on the planet!

Oh my God....our son is 16 months old, and sex is still like...Sex? S-e-x? What's that? How do you even pronounce libido? Hah!

I think maybe it's one of those things you file under the "maybe in 18 years" category! LOL!

Funny you should blog about this. Last night I had some time alone and masturbated as I've been wondering if I could even "o" again. The second tri I was horny all the time, it was so weird. Then the third I just felt awful again and barely thought about it. Since the baby (8 months) we've probably had sex 6 times. We used to be twice a weekers, I would like to be once a weekers, not too much to ask? Dh seems to be v. tired, also his Father is terminally ill, and I think he is just too worried to think much about it. But I have been and I actually tried by myself last night just to see if I still could make all the bits work, and they did!

No advice, except we must carry on, and I assume nothing stays the same and that this part of our marriage will continue to evolve and change as other parts of our life do too.

dh reminded me that we had sex 2 times last month. all i could say was 'what's the problem?"

Before Baby we were multiple times a week, after baby it didn't really seem to change that much, until about two or three months later and then suddenly my libido disappeared. Then a couple of weeks ago it started to resurface. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why. Then an old, old friend came to visit, and it all started to make sense.

You are normal! Three years after 2nd kid and libido is still lost. Thankfully for me, dh works out of town so once every 2 weeks is a good thing for him.

My babe is 1 and a bit years old. Oh man, has my libido run away, seemingly to never return.

My husband is a patient patient man.

We have been to the "gym" - just not very often at all.

We go through phases. Some weeks we don't touch each other, other weeks we're at it like rabbits, 1 or 2 times a day.

But at the times when we're too lazy or tired to go to the gym together, we go on our own quite often ;)

Sex? I've heard of it, and have done it a few times. But haven't seen it lately.

Libido? How do you pronounce it? And what is it???

I posted about this very same thing on my blog 2 weeks ago...

My husband and I enjoy making love several times a week as long as our schedules are not too hectic. But, sometimes it is longer or less frequent when things get busy (as they do with 5 kiddos). But, like someone mentioned before...I should remember how happy it makes me and that it is free! It would probably happen more often =)

My husband and I have a saying..."Once a month whether you need it or not." Now that I'm pregnant even that's too much. I'm right there with you.

Well, seeing as I'm waiting until I'm married for sex (in my twenties and never done it), MULTIPLE times a day sounds good to me. :) It's all about perspective and where you are in life. I can easily imagine that when you're exhausted with newborns twins it'd be hard to find the time and energy.

Give yourself a break- how old are your kids, 8 or 9 weeks old? I had zero interest at that stage and didn't really have much interest until after I stopped nursing (around a year old).

It's not just you; you aren't odd.

But, at the same time ... do what you can to reconnect with Mr. Hubby. Try your best to let him know it isn't HIM. My poor dh came to the (erroneous) conclusiont that I must find him wildly unattractive, when in reality the problem was ...

-- I was already being touched all day by a baby, and didn't want/need any more touching from anyone.
-- I was tired beyond belief.
-- Sex was a distant memory and it was hard to remember how it was sometimes good.

It took me about 8 months post-partum to feel "ready" again. By then dh was convinced I hated him etc. and we had a serious problem on our hands. Still working to solve it, to be honest.

Honestly, I feel a bit off answering this, simply because, I'm more of a 3x a weeker, with a baby. I waited a grand totaly of 3.5 weeks after having the baby(vaginally-with an episiotomy) to hit the gym again. After that it was once a week for about a month, till I truly was healed all the way. After that, it's been more 2-3 times a week, as long as the baby sleeps ok. There was that bad time when he wouldn't sleep by himself for about a month, and we were lucky to get to the gym like twice the whole month, but aside from that, well see above. Just remember, I'm 24, this is my first child, and I am but a child myself really.

Hmm...My boy could hit the gym every day of the week, twice. I'm more of an every other day kinda girl myself. Depending on schedules an d other stuff, we prob go every other day, or every day if we can. I always remember when I don't want to go how much I'll enjoy it if I do...so I usually go as often as I am invited ;-)

It's been over a year since I've been to the gym. I do, however, take care of myself whenever the need hits and have suggested to my partner that he do the same. I want to go to the gym with someone else for a little while. Isn't it supposed to be better to exercise with different people?

Our son is 2-and-a-half. Part of the no-sex thing is because of him.

Um. I should have "Put that thing away!" tattooed on my outstretched palm as I shove it in my husband's face.

Love him dearly but am too exhausted to exercise much these days.

Back when we first met in college, my husband and I were twice a day-ers. Egads, I get tired just thinking about it now. When we graduated we probably went down to once a day. After 5 years together we got married and probably settled into 3-4 times a week. Two years after that I'm pregnant with our first child (~20 weeks along), and geez, maybe once every 2-3 weeks? Early on in the pregnancy it was probably once a week or so, but since the ultrasound my husband has barely been interested at all. He's been more affectionate and caring than ever, but I think he's weirded out about sex because the baby now seems more real to him. That, and my rapidly growing belly probably doesn't help. I don't really feel horny anyway, so part of me doesn't mind, but it is a bit of a blow to the ego to not have him interested. At this rate I think I'll be negative sexual karma by the time this baby is born.

I have a 3 year old step daughter that stays with us every other week (Sunday-Sunday). At first it meant that the weeks she wasn't here, we were having increased activity, but then it switched to using those weeks to get some precious sleep. It doesn't help that my husband works 3:30-midnight and I work 8:30-5 pm. I'm 9 wks pg, and noticed an increase in libido, so I'm keeping hubby happy now so that he won't complain too much later on.

Halleluia! You have SO hit the nail on the head. Without reading the other comments, I completely and totally relate to this post.
What's more, I hate that sex feels like an obligation. On the other hand, once I've done it, I at least feel good that I can cross off one more "to do" from my list for the week. Fortunately I have a husband who has come to accept once a week because he knows it's better than none at all. (which is what happens if he whines, because there's nothing like getting down and dirty with someone just because they nagged you into it)

I don't have time to read all the comments today, but I, um, go to the gym, so to speak, as often as possible, which, with three kids (the youngest of whom is 9 months old), is not nearly often enough.


These days I'm a sex drive Jeckyl & Hyde. Pre-ovulation - 2-3 times a day would be awesome! (bit like I was when I first met my husband), post o? It's a sex drive wasteland. Needless to say it's putting stress on our relationship, but not nearly as much stress as the 4 years of 'absolutely no sex drive' that birth control put me into. Even when we stop TTC I doubt I'll go back on hormonal birth control.

Before pregnancy we were 2x day gym goers (we once went 8 times in 1 day)
During pregancy it was stil 3-4times a week.
We stopped for the 6weeks required after birth and started as soon as we got the all clear.
My baby is 15months old and we still manage to get in 3times a week except the period weeks.
Neither of us are solo gym goers.

I so know what you mean about the big hassle being getting there. My husband is a quadriplegic so we can't grab a quickie at any old time of the day unless I also have 20 minutes to undress him and put him into bed (sex in a wheelchair is almost impossible tho we did try it once). Then if my urge hasn't already left the planet I have to muster the energy to do *all* the work.

As a result of this and in the last two years doing IVF, being pg and caring for baby and husband I'm prepared to (anonymously) admit that we had sex either a couple of days before or after my EPU (all those hormones), then perhaps twice during my pg and another time when I was about 6 or 7m when we gave it up as a bad joke due to my size and pelvis/back joints being all out of whack.

Since our DD was born we have tried to have sex once. I think. She is nearly 13m old. I nearly died laughing when our ob asked about contraception at my 6w check.

We are starting IVF again soon and I was v horny (but also v tired) during first trimester, so there is hope for DH yet!

I found it easy to get more help from hubby with a newborn when I said I couldn't go to the gym until I got more sleep/more help. It worked like magic: Suddenly he could hear the baby in the middle of the night and get up for a feed whereas before he slept through it; suddenly he had the time an energy to do some dishes, some washing, make me a snack, etc. And you know what? I really DID feel more like going to the gym when I wasn't so tired/overworked.

Thank all of you for your comments! I can honestly say that it's convinced me that I'm NOWHERE NEAR ready to have a kid. Give up sex every day?? Give up my DESIRE to have sex every day? NO FREAKING WAY!! :) I guess I'm still too selfish...

Okay, finally making my way closer to the 'end' of your blog (been reading from the beginning for the last couple of days whenever junior would let me). Had to comment here. Baby is 15 months old. Ergo, conceived 24 months ago give or take (math is fuzzy). That was our last shag. Two years ago. Very high-maintenance toddler I have and no help so s.e.x. is on hiatus. Miss it? Yes and no. Scared of getting pregnant again and stunned that, after all the trying and drugs and testing, etc., I actually have to think about contraception now. Seems so bizarre!

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