So Close

Naked pictures of Marko

As promised. 

But seeing as this is a family show, I had to force him to put on some underwear.  He didn’t want to, he wanted to go the full Monty, he said he owed it to his fans, but I dissuaded him.

Photographs once again kindly taken by my BF Julie.  Who remarked how incredibly well hung Marko was, she had to use an extra large sized fig leave to cover his extra large bits.

Isn’t he handsome!  And so well built!

Going back to work

I am really putting myself out there with this post.  It is a highly contentious issue, the whole SAHM vs working mother thing.  Please play nicely.  If you don’t agree with me, lets debate it. No name-calling or finger pointing. Ok? Let’s respect each other’s choices.

I am going back to work on the 01st May and I am so not looking forward to it.  I wish I didn’t have to work, but I do.  We cannot live as we are on Marko’s salary alone.

The whole going back to work vs SAHM thing is obviously top of mind for me at the moment.  I have been wanting to do a post on this topic for ages, in fact I actually wrote up a post on it a few months ago, but I needed to do some research first.

See, the thing is, I couldn’t understand how come so many of you can afford to be SAHM’s.  It is the exception rather than the norm here. 

Ok, first, a step back.  I am going to talk about ‘working mothers’ vs SAHM’s (stay at home mothers, for those of you who don’t know the acronym).  And yes, yes, mothers who stay at home also ‘work’, their job is to raise the children etc etc.  But for this post I will talk about mothers to go back to the workplace as ‘working mothers’ and mothers who stay home as ‘SAHM’s’.  OK?  No one going to get their knickers in a knot about the terminology please.  I am too tired to be all PC and say Mothers who Work Outside the Home and Mothers who Work Inside the Home Raising their Children. 

And I will admit, I am hugely fucking irritated at all the literature that just assumes the mother will stay home and look after the kids.  Every single book makes this assumption.  It irritates the shit out of me.  No, sorry, not all of us can afford to stay at home, some of us have to go out there and earn a living and put food on the table. 

Ok, so back to my previous point.  I couldn’t understand why so many of you could be SAHM’s. 

So I asked two of my ex-SA friends, who have been living in America for a while now, to help me understand how it could be that so many of you get to stay at home.  They gave me some insightful replies, some of which I will repeat here, but the opening line of one of the emails encapsulates perfectly the situation here:

“SAHM in SA is almost unheard of, if I'm correct?”

And it’s true.  Unless you are fabulously wealthy, both partners have to work.  Here is not a case of simply ‘going without’, or cutting back.  The consequences of cutting your income here are vastly different to cutting your income there. 

In addition, two quotes from my friends:

first of all I think cost of living in the US is lower:  food is inexpensive, lower interest rates, low car payments, etc.

and

So I think in general life is less expensive here in the States than in SA - you pay premium prices for everything in SA

So it would appear that it costs you less to live there than here.

Two additional important points that I have realized impact things greatly.  Firstly, day care there is apparently v expensive?  So much so that it is often cheaper for the mother to stay home and look after the kids vs putting them in day care?  Or so I have heard.  Day care here is not expensive.  Schooling however, is very expensive. 

Secondly, the reality of the situation here in SA is that there is huge disparity in income between our nannies / helpers / cleaners etc and people in management positions like myself.  So stopping work and not having a nanny wont save me money.  Not even close.  Not even with paying Rose 3x the going rate, not even with getting a second nanny.  Such is the reality of disparity in income in this country.  And such is the down side of earning a high income, your income doesn’t just support the main breadwinner’s income, it becomes what you live on.

Giving up one salary wont mean a slight or even mediocre adjustment in our living standards.  It will mean, for us, having to move to a less safe suburb, it means giving up one car, and without a car there is no way for me to get around.  There is no safe public transport system in SA.  There is no welfare system.

So I have to work, if I want to live as I am living now.  Which is not extravagant by any means.  Yes, I suppose I am relatively wealthy.  Relative to the rest of the population that is.  But if I want to live in a relatively safe suburb, if I want my kids to have access to a decent education, I have to work.

I wont even pretend to you that I want to work because of the stimulation or my career or whatever. I have to work, full stop.  For the money.  Career?  Who cares.  It’s all about earning money to live.  If I had a choice I would run my own little business, do something I really like and earn much less than I am earning now.

I am tired of working to be honest.  And for stimulation - I would do volunteer work at the local hospitals and study some extra courses for brain stimulation.  But how lovely to have the choice to spend the day in my sweat pants if I want.  Not to have to get up at 5am in winter and drive to work in the cold and wet.  To work all day and smile falsely and suck up to customers.  To come home, cook, clean etc, E v e r y d a y.  Yes, I would love not to work. 

And yes, staying at home all day with kids is work, I am not denying that.  But if you could choose, if you could afford it, wouldn’t you rather ‘work’ at home than ‘work’ at work?  I would.

I must say that I find that there is a slight, um, how can I put it, ‘holier than thou’ attitude that comes from *some* (not all!) SAHM’s, a martyred air of having sacrificed all for their kids.  Implicit implication that by not staying at home you are less of a mother, that you clearly love your kids less.  I think that’s unfair.  I would if I could, I can’t.  I don’t think SAHM’s are better moms.  I really don’t, I just think they are luckier moms.  Just this morning I read a letter in a magazine from a SAHM who was complaining about feeling marginalized by working mothers.  She said something along the lines of “SAHM’s are to be commended for their selflessness in sacrificing their ambition, career etc for the sake of their family”.  WTF??? That’s the bit that irritates me, the insinuation that by working you are selfish.  What a load of crap.  I hate working, I would far rather stay home.  I am not doing it for the ‘career’ or my ‘ambition’.  What?  You think it’s nice to have to go to work every single day and deal with stress of targets and budgets, of customers and proposals etc?  I work, I have to.  I.Don’t.Have.A.Choice.

And yet.  There are mothers who will say that I do have a choice.  That I have the choice to downgrade my lifestyle, be poor and be at home with my children.  But is that really best for them?  I know all a child needs is love but believe me, working mothers don’t love their children less.

Does it mean I love my children less because I want to have a nice home for them to live in, in a lovely quiet suburb that is safe and child friendly, where my children can ride outside on the bicycles without fear of being shot in crossfire, or influenced by gangs, because I want to be able to send them to good schools, to good universities etc.  I honestly don’t think so.  Yes money doesn’t buy you love, but I don’t think being poorer means you love them more.  Money doesn’t buy you happiness but being poor certainly doesn’t give it to you either.  And here being poor means a whole different thing to there, or so I think. 

I think we each do what is best for our children, and in my case it is working.  They will be loved completely and looked after very well, but I need to work.  Just because I wont be a SAHM doesn’t mean I love them any less. 

Children don’t want martyrs, they want parents who love them and do the best for them and for their family.

(note: I am not knocking either choice, I am just saying that not every one has a choice.  Some of my best friends in the computer are SAHM’s.)

So what say you, dear friends in the computer? 

10 things every mother to be should know

My local pg magazine has an article entitled ’10 things every mother to be should know’, so I eagerly turned to the article, wondering how they would manage to articulate that over-whelming, terrifying newborn stage.  Alas, it was a bunch of naff* stuff that didn’t really say much.  So I decided to adapt theirs, and add a few of mine.

So here is ‘10 things every new mother should know’ Tertia style:

1.  Don’t rush home from hospital!
Enjoy your stay in hospital!  Do NOT be too quick to rush home.  Never again (unless you are Rich and Famous) will you have people change your linen for you, bring you food, take away the dirty dishes, watch your baby if you need it, allow you to sleep if you want, answer your questions etc.  Act like a queen while you are there, take full advantage and enjoy those few days because…

2.  Homecoming is f***ing hard.
You know that wonderful fuzzy image of you and husband, sitting there bathed in light, cooing at your gorgeous, quiet newborn?  Doesn’t happen.  Replace aforementioned picture with image of non-sleeping / screaming infant – screaming because…g*d knows why; husband screaming because child is screaming; you screaming because you are bloody exhausted and wish the baby / husband would shut up.  The first few days are damn scary, because…..

3.  Babies cry for no apparent reason
Yes, they cry because they are hungry, tired, wet etc.  But sometimes they cry for no apparent reason. And it drives you crazy.  You will be tempted to tell your baby to SHUT UP.  I am sure if they could talk they would give you a perfectly good reason, like ‘I am scared.  I am tired.  Your breath smells revolting, what the hell did you eat for lunch?  I hate you. You suck as a mother’ etc, but because they can’t talk, you will be at your wits end.  Plus you will have the added extreme annoyance of your husband saying ‘but why is he crying?’  As if by giving birth / adopting, you can suddenly translate baby crying into the local dialect.  When you gave birth / adopted the Dr gave you a manual and said ‘here, just use this handy manual to interpret all those screams into English, in case your husband asks you ‘why is he crying’’.  You will want to kill your husband.  This is common, because….

4.  Your husband might, or might not, turn out to be as your expected
Some husbands are really good at this baby stuff, some aren’t.  Don’t be too upset or disappointed.  Rather be realistic and if he isn’t good at some stuff, let him do other stuff.  Work out what works for you.  Remember as well, husbands can be extremely annoying at the best of times, this is magnified when you have a baby.  Of course it doesn’t help that…

5.  You will not sleep.  Ever again.
Yes, some babies sleep through from six weeks.  Yours probably wont.  And you might think you know what it is like to have a few sleepless nights way back from your college days.  This is different. This is relentless, this is night after night.  Never again will you feel so tired.  Being so tired means that…

6.  You will lose 80% of your brain.
It might, or might not come back again.  We have yet to find out.  The remaining 20% is there to (hopefully) remember how to feed and look after your baby.  There is not much left for any thing else.  As a result….

7.  You will look like shit for a while after the birth
No, you will not fit into your pre-pregnancy clothes for a while.  Unless you are famous and have a personal trainer, or you are Naturally Thin.  In both cases we hate you.  Bitch.  Do not make the same mistake I made and bring ‘thin’ clothes to wear home from the hospital.  Or else, like me, you will have to go home in your pajamas and embarrass your husband by having to walk from the maternity wing, through reception in your PJ pants and slip slops.  You however, will not care because…

8.  You become priority number 999 on your list of things to do
Yes a happy mother makes a happy child and you should look after yourself blah blah blah….. There isn’t enough time to eat, sleep and shave your legs.  To be honest, sleeping is way more important than having hair-free legs.  It’s not as if you will be having sex soon because…

9.  Sex will be the furthest thing on your mind
Sex?  Are you bloody mad?  Who the hell feels like sex with in the first year after the birth, when you are bone tired, covered in spit up and old milk?  Your husband, the poor deprived bastard, that’s who.  And because you feel so sorry for the poor bugger you will have to give in occasionally.  You will do the deed with one ear open, listening for the baby, thinking of a million things you should be doing, because

10.  Your life will never be the same again.
It is no longer about you, your whole life has changed and it is now all about this new little life you brought into this world.  And you know what, in spite of every thing, it is pretty fucking amazing!

Enjoy!  But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

*Definition of 'naff' found here and here.  Naff is my fave word.

Cinderfuckingrella

Remember that line from Pretty Woman?  I love that.  Cindefuckingrella.  Anyway, last night, for the middle of the night feed, I was Cinderfuckingrella, but with a difference.

Instead of going to the ball, I went to the lounge to do a feed.  And instead of Prince Charming waltzing with me, I had Prince Marko catching zzzz’s in the bedroom. 

Instead of a ball gown, I had on a dressing gown.  Instead of glass slippers, I had on pink fluffy slippers.  With baby puke inside. 

Yes folks, surely that has got to take first prize.  I know Julia said she had spit up down her butt crack (been there done that), I had baby puke INSIDE my slipper.  Twice. 

I had put Adam on my lap to burp him and he puked.  It slid down my leg, all nice and hot, into my slipper.  Where it quickly cooled down and congealed.  I was too tired to care so I simply put my best foot (slipper) forward and carried on feeding him.  Next burp, same thing happened (I clearly am a v slow learner).  Ah well, what’s a bit of cold, old puke between friends?

Cinderfuckingrella indeed.  Where is that fairy godmother when you need her?  The least she could have done was clean my slippers for me. 

But how can you not leave these absolutely G&D babies?  Puke or no puke. Damn but these babies are getting cuter and cuter by the day.  I love them so damn much.

1. 

Who comes first?

Another question to ponder while you gorge yourself on chocolate Easter eggs.  For those who have kids and those who have not.

You, your husband or your kids.  Who comes first, and why? 

In theory AND in practice. 

What do you do in your family?  Is it different to how you grew up? 

Some answers to your questions on SA

Another installment in the South Africa series coming soon, but I wanted to answer your questions first:

Race classifications

I think in America black people are called 'coloured'?  Here the ethnic group that calls themselves ‘coloured’ are people from mixed decent.  They are lighter skinned than black people, and they (99% of the time) don’t speak any ethnic black languages.  They speak Afrikaans and English. 

Black people here come from different ethnicities as well, but the major groups are Xhosa, Zulu and Sotho. 

I find it strange that black people in America are called African-Americans.  They are not African, I am African.  I find the use of ‘African’ to donate black strange.  In my mind you are only ‘African’ if you are born in Africa?

What we eat here – South African food

Again, the answer would be ‘it depends’.  It depends on whether you are black or white, coloured or Indian.  Typical Indian food here is like typical Indian food everywhere.

The staple food of Black South Africans is what we call ‘pap’.  Maize meal. 

Typical South African food are things like tamatie breedie (a stew made with meat and tomatoes), melktert (milk tart – almost like a custard tart but made with milk), koeksusters (a sticky sweet thing), babootie (like a cottage pie but with egg stuff on top.  I can’t cook so I have no idea how to make these things.  I also don’t like that kind of food.

But the thing we love most here in SA are braais, or as you call them BBQ’s.  Meat is relatively inexpensive here so we cook a lot of meat over the coals.  It is a SA tradition and most weekends will find the men around the fire braai’ing the meat (cooking the meat over the coals) and the women inside making salads.  Or in my case you will find the women drinking wine and opening the ready made salads from the deli.  In fact I had a braai today at my house.  Lots of meat, chicken, sausage, salad etc.  And we ate outside on our patio.

Oh one thing we eat here which you might find strange is biltong, it is dried and cured meat.  I think it is like your beef jerky but apparently ours is much nicer.

With so many cultural and ethnic influences, it is difficult to say what is ‘typical’ SA fare, but BBQ’s / braai’s are probably the most popular, across all cultures.

I can’t cook but I do make supper for Marko and myself (well before the babes I did), and I used to make two meals every night because Marko doesn’t eat what I eat.  He comes from an Afrikaans family and I am from an English family, so we are used to eating different things.  He likes cooked meals, with meat, soft veg, rice and potatoes.  I like salads, pasta, pesto etc.  He says my food smells (I like stinky things like pesto and parmesan), I think his food is bland and tasteless.

Languages

As I said we have 11 official languages.  Marko is Afrikaans, I am English.  But he speaks perfect English and we speak English at home.  I can speak Afrikaans but my accent is atrocious.  At school we had to learn Afrikaans, so I do understand it quite well.

When Marko’s parents come to visit, they speak Afrikaans to me and I speak English to them and we understand each other perfectly.

Our children will speak English. 

Rose speaks Sotho and English but can converse in Xhosa and Zulu as well.  I am hoping she will teach Adam and Kate some Xhosa. 

Because language is so closely tied to culture, it is a very sensitive issue.  The Afrikaners are very protective about their language, it is part of their heritage.  The same goes for Xhosa, Zulu etc.  There are things in place to ensure language is protected here.

How to pronounce my name:

GORG-gee-yus  Or  TUR-sha

Any more specific questions?  The question around crime and living with the crime levels is a post on its own.

And now I must go shower and wash my bits.  Before the critters wake up.

Lets talk about S.E.X

My current list of priorities looks something like this

1. take care of babies
2. ensure husband, Rose and self’s nutritional needs are met
3. sleep
4. laundry
5. shop for supplies

10. rearrange babies cupboard to pack newborn stuff away

14. do admin on blog

18. sort out outstanding accounts

25. make dentist appointment

40. take back overdue library books

57. do tax return for past financial year

73. spring clean cupboards

86. tidy up study

93. reconcile bank accounts to discover source of black hole in finances

99. get fat ass to gym

100. have sex with husband

Now please note, I love my husband dearly, and I am v attracted to him.  Not only is he v good looking, but he’s a nice guy as well.  Plus he is a damn good shag.  It’s just that sex is way down on my list of priorities.  Brad Pitt could bring his friend George Clooney over and I would still be “could you guys watch the babies while I catch 40 winks?  Oh and if there’s time could you do a load of washing as well?”

Sex is a lot like going to gym, you know you should go, that it’s good for you and that once you are there you will have lots of fun.  You always feel so great afterwards.  You say to yourself ‘that was fantastic, I must do this more often’.

It’s just the getting there that’s a pain.  It always seems such an effort.  You are either too tired, too full, or your back is sore, or you don’t feel like any one seeing your fat, just had a baby ass.  Or it’s too hot, cold, late, early, too close to the summer solstice etc….  Lordy, with so much against you, no wonder you never do it.  (And like gym, although you can do it on your own, it is more fun having someone do it with you).

Poor Marko has been seriously deprived.  Every one thinks that when you are trying to conceive you are shagging like rabbits.  In fact the opposite is true.  For the last five years I have either been doing a cycle (3x IUI, 3x FET, 6x IVF) – means no sex in the two week wait, or I have been pregnant (x4) – no sex allowed due to high risk pregnancies, or miscarrying (x2) or recovering from giving birth (x2).  If you add up the shaggable time in that lot you will come up with about three opportunities in five years.  Thank God Marko is a patient man.  However the poor man’s patience is wearing thin.  So to gym I must go.

The problem is I am a once-a-week-is-more-than-adequate kind of girl, whereas Marko is more a once-a-day-would-be-lovely kind of guy.  Unfortunately, apparently marriage is about compromise so Marko will have to go without.  Only joking (kind of).  But seriously, I am working at it.  Can’t rush these things you know.  It’s only been 8 months, what’s the rush?

I do like sex, really I do.  It’s just that I appear to have the libido of an ant at the moment (or what ever animal has no libido). 

Is it me? Am I odd?  Ok, don’t answer that.  Just tell me, are you a once a week girl, or are you a more regular gym go’er.

A bit about South Africa

Many of you wanted to know what life was like living in South Africa.  I have been thinking about how to encapsulate what it is like, and it is really difficult to portray it in a way that gives you a full picture.  There is so much history, so much past, that affects the present. 

So I will give you pieces of the picture, a little at a time.

Firstly, you must understand that the view you are getting is my view, that of a white female 36 year old who comes from an advantaged background.  My reality and my experience, both past and present, is vastly different to a black person, who suffered terribly under the atrocities of the apartheid past, who comes from a previously disadvantaged background.  There is no homogenous view, it depends on who is telling the story. 

I love what we call the ‘new’ South Africa, i.e. SA post our first democratic election in 1994.  For so many years I was deeply ashamed to be a South African.  So much so that I made sure I had nationality other than South African.  (I have a Dutch passport).  Pre 1994, being a South African meant you were associated with apartheid and all the evils that came from the repressive system.  I was ashamed to admit where I was from.

However, today I am so proud to be a South African, I love my country and I have so much optimism for it.  Many people have fled SA to Europe or America but I couldn’t leave, this is my country, my heart will always be here in Africa.

I think that SA is a model of what peace and reconciliation is about.  That we have come from such a painful past, through a potentially explosive change from the old to the new, to a reality today that is bursting with hope, optimism and faith, is nothing short of amazing.  The capacity of so many to forgive and move on is awe-inspiring.  Human rights, rights of women, children etc, are protected within one of the most comprehensive, fair constitutions in the world.  As Nelson Mandela said, “never again….”

Not every one shares my view, there are still pockets of racism, hatred, bigotry and prejudice, but there are more people who think like I do, than those who have the opposite view.

South Africa is a nation made up of many different races, cultures and tribes.  For example, we have 11 official languages here in SA.  Because so many were suppressed in the past, their culture threatened, we are very protective of every one’s culture.  English is the official language, but the most widely spoken language is Zulu. 

We have four broad race classifications, white, black, coloured and Indian.  The reason for still noting race is to take steps to address the wrongs of the past through programmes such as affirmative action / employment equity initiatives, where industry is encouraged, and indeed mandated, to ensure that people from previously disadvantaged backgrounds are fast tracked or given preferential employment opportunities.

The country is divided into 9 provinces, I suppose like the American have states.  The richest provinces are Gauteng (capital Johannesburg) and the Western Cape (capital Cape Town – home of v many gorgeous and divine people, such as yours truly).  Some provinces are extremely poor.

The northern part of the country is home to stunning game parks and reserves.

Cape Town is seriously one of the most beautiful cities in the world, and it’s not just me saying that – google it, or google something about most beautiful cities – you will see what I mean. 

Cape Town has stunning weather, plus we have gorgeous beaches, beautiful vineyards, lovely mountains, rivers etc.  There is so much to see and do here.

So that is the broad-brush strokes picture of SA.

Next topics to come:

- What it was like living in apartheid SA – the Truman show
- What it is like living in SA today – third world and first world side by side
- The different cultures – English / Afrikaans, White / Black, Rich / Poor
- Day care / child issues in SA
- Photos of my house and suburb.
- Being married to an Afrikaner
- Nude pictures of Marko
- Any other special requests.

And much more…..

BTW Happy Easter, hope you get lots of easter eggs.

Baby Einstein

Quick question - Baby Einstein

I don’t think they sell this here but I’ve heard lots of you talking about it.  Is it worthwhile getting and which one should I get? 

Brothers, Blogs and Babes

My brother is a natural.

My little brother (24 yrs old) lives in London, so I don’t get to see him that often.  He is my favourite brother.  (Ok he is my only brother but I am sure he would be my favourite even if I had more brothers.) 

He was recently in SA for my little (not so little any more) sister’s (not so little) wedding and got to meet the babes for the first time.

He reads my blog regularly (and has been known to leave a comment or two) and has asked me twice when I am going to tell my blog readers what a natural he is around babies.

So dear blog readers, I must say, my brother is a total natural around babies. He would walk into my house and immediately pick up a baby and walk around with him/her, rock them, comfort them etc.  He is definitely a winner.  And he is v handsome and of course, v G&D.  He is a total ‘Paul’.

There Paul, I’ve told the Internet.  Now they love you too.

Blog admin question:

In a nutshell, there are three versions of Typepad, the programme that this blog runs on.  The one ibex version, the two ibex version, and then the four ibex, one sheep and half a praying mantis version.  When I started the blog I went for the entry-level version, which is what you see now.  It is the vanilla version and you can’t change the look v much.  Because the exchange rate is one ibex to 6.06 buck I have been reluctant to upgrade.  However, now I am wondering whether I should.  Especially seeing how fancy some of my fellow bloggers have got, i.e. Soper, Karen, Cecily. 

Two questions out of this: 
1. Fellow bloggers – is it worth it to upgrade to the ‘pro’ version?  What extra functionality do you get, if any? 
2. Dear readers – can you bear with the boring, out-the-box look and feel for a while longer? 

I am just not sure it is worth paying that extra money just for a few extra graphics.

Babe pics:

Unfortunately I don’t have pics of the handsome brother, but here are a few of the gorgeous babes, look how big they look in their big boy and big girl clothes.

 

Plus a pic of Kate giving Adam a punch on the jaw, for all the times in future when he will probably give her a whack or two.