Another post from Marko

This one not so good.  He read my blog for the first time, and was very hurt by some of the responses to the Paul vs Marko entry. I tried to tell him that most of the readers love him (and think he is hot), but it was too late.  I also tried to tell him that I don’t take dissenting views to heart, I believe everyone is entitled to their opinion, and if it is not something I believe in, I just think ‘good luck to them’.  I actually felt really shit that he was hurt by the post, because I think he is absolutely perfect for me and wouldn’t want him any other way.  He is G&D and my lover / partner / best friend and a wonderful father to our family.  This is just how OUR family works.   

This is his letter:

Your blog is your blog. It is your space and I don't want to get involved in the comments, but going on to it for the first time was quite a shock and I think I should rather not go back ever again.

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I am the infamous Marko. I have never read Tertia's blog. I have always left this as her space where she could get advice and support from those with the same problems and experiences. I have never complained about the amount of time she spends reading all the comments received. (Note from Tertia – I spend a shit load of time online, blogging, reading etc.  As soon as the babies go down, I run to the PC. Bad wife, v bad).

For the first time in ages I was at work (at the usual 6.15am) and had nothing much to do that was urgent, so I decided I would go check out my lovely wife’s blog I have been hearing about for so long.

I read the first 10 or so subjects listed under March and read every comment from all the readers. I found the survey very interesting and all the results and comments were great. There are some really amazing people that comment on Tertia's blog.

Someone then mentioned that they enjoyed the Paul vs Marko debate and this caught my eye, as we have 4 Paul's in our family and I wondered what this was about.

Managed to track down the subject and read the blog. Felt quite bad afterwards thinking that I am quite useless and Tertia could probably survive without me, but then realised that I do actually do a few things and I am not completely useless. Might not be the best person at handling crying or young babies, but if that makes me a bad person then so be it. I have other chores to do around the house and help where I can with baby chores.

I am not and have never been a very affectionate person and don't show emotion very easily. It was a huge shock to my system to have babies crying constantly and for no apparent reason. I tried initially to hold, help, feed, support etc, but was not very good at it and it made me feel like a failure and a bad father / parent. Tertia is great and she is the best mom ever. She is and was very patient and understanding towards the babies and their useless father. She is a great person and a wonderful mother to our children.

I love my children and I love my wife.

I try my best and I will do anything for Tertia and my babies. I say this to Tertia all the time. I have never prevented her from doing or getting anything for the babies. Just the best will do.

The reason for sending this e-mail is to say thank you to all the readers addressed for all your comments and support. It has been a lifesaver to Tertia and as a result to myself and for this I thank you.

To those of you who had such judgmental things to say, I think you need to think before you speak (or write) and don't be so easy to judge others.

Your comments about how useless Marko’s are (and therefore I am) are not constructive and are of no help to Tertia and only result in creating problems rather than solving problems.

Thank you to all other readers for your constructive comments and amazing support of Tertia and our family. It is great to know there are so many good and honest people around the world who experience / d what we have gone through.

To Bella's mommy - Get a life!!!

This is the first and last comment I will post on Tertia's blog.

To my lovely wife and my 2 children, I love you.

Bye

Comments

[blackbird]

I, personally, would like to fly across the world and hug him.
The "Marko" my hub turned into, after being the "Paul" was not good/bad -- just different.

Hopefully others here will respect the different without labelling it "bad."

[Nicole]

I can't believe Marko had never read your site before! If my husband told me he had a blog, I MIGHT be able to avoid reading it for an hour. But you know only if Arrested Development was on.

I didn't comment on the Paul vs. Marko thing, but I did read the comments and remember a few that were hello so rude. It never fails to amaze me that so many people lack the ability to comprehend what they read. They gloss over what is actually there and see what they want. Buh. Whatever with them.

I still want more pictures of your dogs.

[Beverly]

I didn't comment on the infamous post, either, but I do remember thinking that there are a few people who obviously need some help getting a clue. I'm sorry Marko's first visit turned into something that hurt him.

I could totally go for more dog pictures, too.

[LadyBug]

It never ceases to amaze me that some people will say hurtful things to total strangers under the cloak of internet anonymity. I think the old adage "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." should be an online LAW.

Tertia and Marko - You guys have a beautiful family. When those babies are old enough to understand, they will be absolutely astounded at all you went through to bring them into the world. And they will know, without a doubt, how much they were/are wanted and loved.

God bless you all,
LadyBug

[Rebecca]

Hey Tertia... can I hug Marko too???

Marko, you are being the best husband and father you can be. You put your heart and soul into your family. That is what counts. Forget about what others say and think... you know what they say about opinions anyway. (the whole "opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and they often stink" thing)

Chin up Marko.... a lot of us know that you are "gorgeous and divine" simply because Tertia loves you the way she does.

[lurker delurking]

What blackbird said - I'd like to hug Marko too!! If you and Marko are happy together then who is anyone else to judge? There's far far more to being a good Dad than being good at comforting a screaming newborn. My Dad has never changed a nappy, never done night feeds or been interested in small babies. His comment to my mother on whether to have a third kid was along the lines of "I don't mind, you're the one who would have to look after it, it's totally up to you!!" As soon as we were toddlers he was down on the floor playing with us. As teenagers he was the one who helped with writing homework, building science projects or fixing bikes. He also worked daft hours so my Mum could stay home with us, we could go to good schools and have nice holidays. He was just as good a Dad as my Mum was a Mum. Their roles were just different. It worked for them - they have 3 pretty normal, happy, well adjusted kids and a happy marriage. You guys should be really proud of your family and your marriage. Clearly it works for you and anyone who can't respect that needs to get a clue.

[Debe]

D. doesn't read my blog either, and I'm glad!

Marko, I'm sorry you were hurt, remember those who comment don't know you personally.

[21stCenturyMom]

That is so sad. I must say I only skimmed the Marko vs. Paul thing and when I saw that Marko has a whole list of things he does that make you happy and having seen a photo of him and having read your story of how you fell for him I just stopped reading. It seemed to me that you were just thinking out loud and reconciling with the fact that Marko is not a born baby holder and that you were happy that Marko is who is he is. It sounds like he understands that and he is just a little shocked at the assbites out here in cyberland and I hope he soon realizes that he is gorgeous and divine and anyone with a brain can see that and that most of all you adore him and I hope he can let go of his hurt.

Hugs and smooches (of the utmost propriety) to Marko and to you, Tertia

[Egg Donor]

I also put myself in line to give Marko a big hug (so long as he doesn't hug back too hard - my follicles are so big right now, they might burst before tomorrow's retrieval). I totally understand his feelings about your children because I feel that way myself - about kids much of the time, and about other things, too. From your posts, I can tell he's a great dad. And hot. ;)

I'm sure this post is about to bring all of us Marko fans out of the closet.

[Heather]

Big hugs to Marko! Sorry some people can be so rude in those comments. One of the things I always believe is that the sign of true love is that when what some people might think of as faults are utterly cute to those in love.

My DH has lots of things that could bug some people, and I do too. But we think we're perfect for each other. As you two (four now) are perfect for each other.

[Libby]

I am so sad that Marko was hurt by all the awful comments. I did not comment on the Paul v. Marko post but I read a lot of the comments and boy, some people are truly vicious and so quick to judge.
I think that Marko has a lot of character for being honest with you and with himself about how he feels that he is not very good with the crying babies. How he sometimes feels like a failure. My husband had some of those same issues, so I understand.

I for one, think that there is a period of adaptation for both the mother and father. It's a learning experience and you grow as a parent as time goes on. You both obviously love your children very much and are doing the best you can. Kate and Adam are very lucky to have you as parents.

And I am one of the lurkers that thinks that Marko is v.v. hot!

All the best,

[Meriel]

I was devastated to read this post. I've known T and Marko since before they got married. They are both very very special people to me. I am so so sad that Marko felt shunted or judged. I've had a hard time myself recently because of these comments fields (the ones T deleted). As much as a blog is someones own private world to say what they please - those that come out make it public. The hard part is that anything they say or feel about real people in their real world is in the open....but for commenters it comes too easy. Too easy to say "F'ck you" or "F'ck them" to alienate or annihilate the "other". The blogger has context to her comments the commenters often don't. In trying to be supportive they are at times careless. I stopped reading blogs for a while because of this, looks like Marko has now too.

[susan]

My guy reads my blog and I wish he didn't because there are times I really want to complain about him. That you knew you had total freedom to complain bitterly about his (perceived by some readers) lack of support -- yet did not -- speaks volumes about the type of woman and wife you are Tertia.

For the record, my guy is footing the entire bill for our IVF stuff, cash, and has asked me to limit our attempts with my own eggs to 2 tries. He explains, in his very scientific way, what it means exactly when four doctors in 2 years have told me that I have less than 1% chance to have it work with my own eggs (and since he does have 2 PhDs, one in biology and one in molecular biophysics, who am I to disagree?) Plus he sees the emotional toll this has taken on me.

Anyway, my point is that Marko apparently never said that you needed to put a limit on your IVF attempts or expenses or anything else. No matter the financial or emotional toll it took on your family, he was there supporting both of your efforts to conceive.

So, while my guy is much more Paul than Marko when it comes to child care, sometimes I wish he were much more Marko. I can handle the child care stuff. I just want to have unlimited opportunities to try with my own eggs until *I* feel I've exhausted every resource.

So, dear Marko - just in case you sneak a peak at this post's comments, there are women in the world who would much rather have a Marko than a Paul.

And if you have the chance to read some of her other posts, you'd know without any doubt that your wife really and truly appreciates and loves you for who you are.

I just thought you should know.

[reenie]

I'm so sorry that doing something supportive has caused you to read things people who have NO idea about your life have written. I couldn't imagine reading even one "bad" comment about myself...and some people really do think it's okay to say whatever they feel like just because they can't see the person they're talking to. The internet allows a degree of separation and it can feel like we're not talking about a real person sometimes. I believe I said something like I didn't have anything bad to say about you...that I didn't have a leg to stand on, etc.
Marko...please don't let this turn you off of Tertia's blog. She pours so much of herself into this and it's a beautiful window into her life and her soul. You're both so lovely and lucky to have each other. And your babies are lucky to have you both.

[Louise]

Another hug for Marko. I've found myself trying to justify my relationship with The Boyfriend to people before, and I've finally just stopped. Like you Tertia, I see him as right for ME and everyone else can just suck it. What pisses me off is that when people attack someone's spouse/partner/significant other, they are also attacking that person themself. You seem like a marvellous person (from what I know of you from blogland) and I trust that you chose yourself a wonderful husband and father. So what if he isn't as good with the babies as some people may think he should be? From what you have mentioned here, he is good enough for you and your babies, and he loves his family and provides for you, and you think he is gorgeous and divine and that is all that matters. My own dad was what would be considered a Marko and I wouldn't have it any other way. Again Marko, sorry you were hurt by the comments on that post.

p.s. One of my favourite Marko stories is the one when he takes Kate for the night and whispers as he is changing her nappy that "Mummy said I'm not supposed to talk to you." I thought it was such a great scene, and I told my roommate about it. We both thought it was perfectly wonderful.

[susan]

by the way, my previous comment is not meant to slam Julie's Paul in any way. I was using "Paul" as a metaphore for men like my guy. Both you and Julie have great guys in their own individual ways.

[Gina]

I am upset that Marko was hurt by some commenters. I can see that he loves his wife and children very much. I did not read all the comments to that post. Everyone is different, everyone has positive and negative traits.

My husband is more like Marko. He was terrified to hold my children when they were infants. He would sit down and I had to put a pillow on his lap before he would hold them and he would not move or get up when holding them. But he is the BEST father. He plays with them and reads to them and bounces them around now! I can see Marko being more like that. Some are just not good with the needy part.

I am so glad that Marko is the perfect husband and father for you. Keep telling him that. He is not perfect (as no one is) but perfect for you and and Adam and Kate.

Sending many Hugs to Marko.

[wessel]

Marko! I did not read the comments to that particular entry, so I honestly do not know what was said or what hurt you (I didn't comment on it either). But I can say something in general about women--women have a tendency to talk a lot. We talk off the top of our heads. We talk trash. We talk about a fleeting, momentary emotion as if it were a rock solid fact of our very existence. We sometimes say things just to be saying what we THINK the listener (our friend) wants to hear. It's not that we are being dishonest in doing that, it's just that there are so many ways to look at a thing, that, well, if one particular way seems to resonate with our listener, we might choose to say THAT thing, just because we like to find common ground. We like social harmony (except when we are being bitchy, and then we are hormonally obligated to disrupt social harmony).

I don't wish to paint women as flighty, insincere, yakkity-yak idiots. We are not THAT. (Well, not ALL of us and not ALL of the time.) But I do think that our hang-it-all-out-there communication style can come as a shock to a man. We know, for instance, that what a friend feels one day may not be what she will feel the next day. We recognize that emotions have to get processed, out there in spoken land, and we rarely use fine filters before we open our mouths.

I hope this sheds a little light on how women operate, and that you don't take comments TOO seriously. Because honestly, you could probably show a comment to someone a week later and she might crinkle her brow and say, "I wrote that? Are you sure?" Again, it's not that she is or was being disingenuous--only that unfiltered thoughts and emotions are put out on the table as a matter of course, sometimes with too little regard for the ramifications.

I'm so sorry you were hurt by comments. Again, I don't know what they were. If someone was truly being nasty, then shame on them. As for Tertia--it is plain to see that she adores you and finds you ESSENTIAL.

[Blondie]

T,
I am so sorry that the comments of so many useless people upset him.

I am the kind of person that gets upset like he did. It was a righteous anger over complete idiocy and snap judgements. I hope that he can see eventually that, overall, this is an outlet that isn't usually an environment that people bash your hubby or your decisions. IF they do, then its their own ignorance because I would never want you mad at me! lol... You might send your Bwana FIL after me! Or Godzilla!

Take care and I'm honestly thankful that you have such a wonderful husband/lover, he's a grand prize of a man. I'm a wee bit jealous! Besides...he's so HOT! I think he's a wonderful father and you know, my hubby has only gave our 1 yr old 4 baths his entire life!

Don't be upset Marko...there are such stupid people in the world and they grow a set of balls when it comes to the anonyminity of the internet.

Hugs,
Blondie

[Karen]

Marko, my opinion of you (much as I can have one from online) came from one quote here, from you to Kate, "Your mummy says I mustn't speak to you." It says all anyone needs to hear - you love your kids and wife, so you're doing the baby thing even if it makes no sense. Not everyone is good with babies, and lots of people are no good at intense emotions, but the one thing that always matters is being there. Tertia doesn't talk about you going out with your mates or hiding from her. You're there, you're participating, and that, my friend, makes you a stand-up dad already.

I think you rock and I send you a high five (that's American for 'good job' just in case). No hugs from me, 'cause I bet you aren't so keen on hugs from strangers. :]

Keep being Marko. He's fabulous, divine and a good guy all 'round.

Karen
(Who never delurked before this, even when Tertia begged)

[Lioness]

Oh bloody hell, this was so unnecessary! It made me angry then, it makes me angrier now, the poor thing. You know, it never ceases to amaze me that so many feel they are allowed to say whatever they want, [not even being intimate w the one posting, mind you] just bcs someone has Comments open. I'm quite sure that if we disparaged their lives whilst in their living-room they'd have a hissy fit - and rightly so. Markus, you make Tertia happpy. Tertia is perfectly capable of taking care of herself. She has chosen you as a partner. Everyone, do the maths. What part of her posts where she talks abt how she feels abt did the illiterate not quite understand?

Oh T, this is especially heartbreaking bcs the silent, non-emoting types always take it so deeply to heart and cannot even find relief in talking abt it. He's probably feeling devastated, GAH! ARGH! Go on, tell him he is to go buy something shiny, expensive and filled w buttons.

[Zoot]

I read every day, but I RARELY post comments and I dont think I EVER read other people's comments. I just want to say that after reading for many months - I never thought of you and Marko as anything other than a brilliant couple and you will be an are brilliant parents. I just wanted my voice to be heard because sometimes the bad opinions are the loudest.

You are both great.

[Rosemary]

Marco

Tell them to **** off and get a life. The thing about marriage and being a spouse is that you get to be the one who knows your own wife and family the best. You know your wife's personality and your family dynamics and you guys make the decisions that best fit your family.

Everybody else just presumes that they know you. These blogs give us all some sense of intimacy with your family, but none of us really know your family. I bet there are sides to Tertia that she never lets come through onto the blog. You keep on doing such a wonderful job supporting your amazing wife and family. I firmly believe that if more men were like you and knew how to be the firm bedrocks of their family, as well as being an old softie when they wanted to, then some of us superwomen would feel okay about feeling rotten sometimes. It sounds to me like one of the reason Tertia's been able to be honest about her pain / grief / frustration / anger is that she knows that you will be there to catch her. I totally admire the unconditonal support you gave in her efforts to conceive and carry your children.

BTW, any man that can stand that close to a mutant elephant and godzilla, and still look calm and relaxed, must be a very cool guy! I too am a member of the Marko fan club.

[j]

Marko is such a sweetie, and it hurts my heart to think how it must have hurt him to read what people said. It makes me so sad, and you both are perfect strangers to me! Cyberspace is a strange thing.

I'm sure that Marko already felt self-conscious and anxious about his parenting skills, and then to hear the stupid mean things people said must only amplify things. Marko, there are lots of women out here who adore you! Great husband AND dad.

[Malone]

It was nice to hear your comments as I believe my husband feels the same way about our 9 week old - although he does not really articulate it. My dh tried in the beginning but I think he too felt useless and like a bad parent. It hurt me so much to hear him say things like "she doesn't like me" "she always screams when I hold her"

I think there are lots of men like you (Marko) and I think we love them just the same. Don't let the judgmental posters get to you. Those of us with Marko's love them very much - they just pitch in in other ways and we expect they will be great fathers when their little babies are a little older. As I've said before, my dh has promised to take years 2-4 when he will feel more comfortable with our girl (I think it will be much sooner)

Malone

[Lila]

I read the comments here and now in turn, I am shocked and feel I have to defend myself. Yes I admit my sin, I commented on the Paul vs Marko post, and since I dont know either of them personally, of course I didn't refer to them. I took Tertia's metaphor of "men who are easier with babies"and "men who find it difficult to get used to babies" and rhapsodized about my own dh who happens to be of the babyloving kind.

I tried to express that I have full empathy for those who feel differently, no matter whether man or woman, and I never meant to intrude into a relationship I don't know. Now I read here expressions like
stupid
vicious
nasty
useless
judgmental
hurtful.

I didn't mean to be either of them. I'm really sorry if I upset Marko. I apologize. I feel really terrible now. I talked about my own man, about nobody else's.

[Blue]

Love Him.

[Stefanie]

Marko you've brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry some of the comments may have hurt you. Many of us have blogs and sometimes ugly trolls pop in and run their mouths off. (Not on mine though b/c no one has commented there).

You are perfect for Tertia - all of us that matter know that. Don't worry about what those others think. My dh wasn't so great at responding to a screaming baby - but he is a great dad! He is actually like another kid to my kids and they love that. I don't have babies anymore. It is so nice to see dh interact with our kids and I just sit back and watch - until I have to referree if someone takes dh's ball or something.
You are a great husband and dad and don't let anyone tell you any different!

[Ute]

No hug for Marko from me - I have a Marc who doesn't like hugs either. Least of all from strangers. *g*

Marko, you'll always be judged, no matter how many nappies you change or don't change, no matter whether you rock your crying babies to sleep or run away from them in terror. There will always be someone who'll think you're an a**hole, whether you choose to be a Paul or yourself. However: Not reading this blog and this comments any more is like sticking your head into the sand and pretend people can't see you any more.

We, the comment writers, are not the ones who count, though. We're just a virtual cross section / reflexion of possible real life reactions and opinions. In other words: We're just statistics. Background noise.

The only person who counts is Tertia. Don't let a few ignorant idiots stop you from exploring her blog, her thoughts, her strength, her sense of humour. Don't let them prevent you from gaining an amazing additional insight into Tertia's mind! She loves you and couldn't care less about what others think of you - any half wit can see that shine through all of her postings.

B.t.w. I wonder what would have happened if for some reason only men had read and commented on the Paul vs. Marko thread... *vbg*

[jen]

Marko, you are a wonderful person, human and father, and I think that Tertia has the perfect partner in you. Don't let the trolls get you down!

[Julie]

Marko, you are an asshole. Ask Tertia what I mean by that.

[Kristie]

Screw the negative commenters (not literally, that'd be gross and probably piss someone off). I digress...Tertia's opinion is the only one that matters. No one else really knows the complexities of your relationship and they don't need to know.

[Joy]

I'm so sorry to see that Marko was hurt by debate. I did not comment on that one, but it made me think about my own hubby. I can foresee that he is not going to be good with crying babie(s) (in fact, he has warned me of this). However, in my current pregnant and nauseous/sick/tired state, he takes care of me like a saint. He has cooked, cleaned, taken care of the house, etc. If I can count on him to help take care of me while I take care of the crying babe, then I will surely count myself blessed as I am sure Tertia feels about Marko!

[Danielle]

Marko, I am delurking to say that true fans of this website have never once questioned your love for your family. I cannot get over the fact that some people have the SAC to criticize your life or how you live it when you clearly have always tried to make the best decisions, and have been through so much.

You're a fucking Rockstar, and so is your wife, and so are your children. What they think of you is really the only thing that matters! And they love you!

[Lurker]

Marko:

welcome to the world of screwed if you do, screwed if you don't, judged if you do, judged if you don't, no matter what you fucking do about parenting will be always be critiqued by a bunch of assholes (the bad kind) that can't keep their 'advice' to themselves.

I thought this was exclusive to mothers. Silly me. Welcome to a woman's world. We're happy to have you. :)

[averyjenn]

Wives frequently get together and bitch about their respective husbands. I think it sucks that people made judgments about Marko without knowing him. I wanted to cry from reading his post - I felt so bad that his feelings were hurt. It is obvious that Marko is mad about both his children and his gorgeous and divine wife - give the guy a break!

[victoria]

I didn't comment on the Paul vs. Marko entry. But when I read Marko's comment, " It was a huge shock to my system to have babies crying constantly and for no apparent reason," I found myself wondering, Did Marko really not know that newborns cry for no apparent reason? Prior to becoming a parent, did he never spend any time around newborns or speak to parents of newborns or read books about them? Or, is it possible that he did ALL of these things, and really did try to prepare for the task that lay ahead, but simply meant to say in this post, "Yes, I read the books and talked to newborns' parents and did all my homework, but until you actually live through it with your own babies, you cannot possibly know how traumatic it is."?

[becky]

Marko's entry just made my heart ache. i'm sure, Tertia, you're like me and anyone who hurts my husband is ITCHING for a fight!

Marko, you sound like a marvelous man and it so so obvious that Tertia is head over heels for you. People can be fatheads sometimes. You sound like a wonderful father to me. My dad tore my arm out of the socket the first time he babysat me alone (swinging me from couch-to-chair-to-ottoman), so wasn't exactly a natural born babysitter but he's the best dad to this day. He was the kind of dad who took us on bike rides so that we could sneak into swimming pools, wrote plays for us to enact, and had long conversations with me about the books I read. I don't think he changed more than 3 diapers the whole time my brother and I were growing up!

You're a fab father too. We don't have kids yet, but I fully expect my husband to be like you and I'll love him for it because I know once the kids start to talk, he'll be as involved, if not more involved, than me. Keep being yourself Marko! We love you!

[Erin]

Marko,
You are not the "infamous" Marko, you are the famous Marko! And we all adore you just the way you are.

[courtney]

Tertia,
I've never commented on your blog before, but I wanted to say that Marko sounds amazing.

I remember the Paul v. Marko post because I actually had wanted to comment on it, but I don't have kids, which is the reason I don't comment on your blog. I remember my mom telling me once that my dad just wasn't very good with babies. He would hold us and change us and rock us, but he just wasn't comfortable with it. I was shocked, because I only remember my dad as VERY involved. He's the best father ever, and I'm sure your kids are going to think that about Marko too.

[Nicole]

Umm, Marko? Please don't take the words of the asshats personally. What you (and T) have sacrificed for your family speaks louder than any one of them. You and Tertia deserve each other, and I mean that in the nicest way. Congrats. You are a great daddy.

[Jessica]

My Dad wasn't great with crying infants either. He just wanted so much to make it better, and didn't know how. But he was the greatest bestest Dad ever, and we had the most amazing relationship when we got older. He died a few years ago and we still miss him every day.

Marko - don't be hurt. This is the internet, and people can be very opiniated. Some are cruel, some are essentially well-meaning but feel that "their way is the only way". But many more are loving, supportive and sympathetic, and kind. From everything Tertia wrote about you, you are a wonderful father and an amazing husband. Your family is lucky to have you. And we are lucky to have Tertia and her blog, because it brings a lot of people a lot of joy. I am one of them.

Thanks for lending her to us so often, because she has many important and valuable things to say which we all can learn from. {{{{hugs to T & M}}}}

[Donna]

My favourite Marko post, is in your May 2004 entries, it's titled "I have the best husband in the world"
Marko has a huge heart, and he is every bit as wonderful as any man out there.

[Melissa]

Marko:

You sound like a great guy, everyone else can suck it. Plus, you are good with the babies. Tertia told us and it was so dear it made me cry.

Don't let the bastards (in the computer) get you down.

[Brother Paul]

Think that a few people may have misunderstood the reasoning behind Marko`s letter.
Altho i am sure that those of you that have had nice things to say are doing it with good intentions, and those of you that say nasty things can, well... FUCK OFF and die!
He, i am sure does`nt give a fuck what anyone thinks of him besides Tertia.
I am the only one that has seen him with his family and he is awsome!!
Those of you that follow this blog know that Tertia writes very straight out and to the point. (Dont think everyone quiet understands her humor)
The use of labels like "Marko`s" and "Paul`s" are bullshit. Marko doesnt fit any label or mould cause he is better than that. I could never have coped with what he has been through. He was and still is so amazing to my sister. How fucking dare people pass comment, he has always stayed strong for his family, through the loss of Luke and Ben, and all the other set backs they faced, the traumatic pregnancy, and birth, when Adam was sick at first.

You all could learn a thing or two from this man, I think my family is the bee`s knee`s... and i think Tertia is lucky to have someone who would do anything it takes to keep her from hurting
He is such a stong human being.

I am sorry that this post is so agro, i started off wanting to not offend anyone or "rock the boat" I read this blog everyday and it is very important to me, i only comment very seldom, but the more i wrote the more it fucked me off.

Tertia tell Marko I love the way he is to you

[Mandy]

Tertia, please, will you do me a favor? Will you tell him that those of us who are reading and paying attention know just how wonderful he is? Will you tell him that we know he has been your constant support through everything and loves you and the babies immensely? Tell him too that there is no right or wrong way to show love, as long as you're loving and no person no matter how gorgeous and divine who can please everyone but he pleases the hell out of you AND WE CAN TELL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Could you tell him that more than once my husband has said something about how I could survive without him. I guess it is true that I could survive without my husband if I had to, that you could survive without yours, but NEITHER OF US WOULD WANT TO. In my humble opinion, not wanting to be without them is more telling than whether or not you could be without them.

[stephu]

Tertia and Marko,

Adding my voice to the loud chorus of 'whoever tertia is madly in love with must be a fabulous guy and who are we to judge?'.

Keep being who you are - that's all you need to do to be fantabulous parents :)

[Lily]

Marko, you're not useless at all. Anyone who cares for or respects Tertia would realize that she wouldn't be with you if you weren't a wonderful man. Newborns, especially two of them, ARE a shock to the system, and guess what, some people don't react perfectly every time. It doesn't make you a bad father at all. We are talking about raising children into healthy adults- that takes a lifetime of work- so what if your specialty isn't the newborn stage. I have no doubt that you love your children and as they grow and change in so many ways, sometimes you will handle everything superbly, and sometimes you won't, same with Tertia, same with everyone in the world.
No one had the right to judge you. People can be so extremely closed minded. They don't necessarily realize that differences are okay. It's also very easy to act like their lives, and their husbands, are oh so perfect from the safety of a computer. Don't let that make you never want to come back to the blog.
A lot of us care about Tertia, and since you are so important to her, we care about you too, and we think you are both wonderful parents.

[Nicole]

And Victoria? Shut up. You are not helping.

[Liz]

Part 1: Victoria, shut up.

Part 2: Never commented on that Paul v Marko thread specifically because who the hell am I to judge what works and does not work in a marriage and family? Tertia, you and Marko so clearly WORK (I mean, for God's sake, just look what you have been through together and you're STILL TOGETHER!!!) that what does it matter what anyone else thinks? You love each other, your family works for you, nothing else matters. AT ALL.

Marko, I love your wife and you by extension because you clearly make her so happy.

[Manuela]

Oh Tertia... my heart is just breaking here... I feel just HORRIBLE for the both of you. Poor Marko for feeling judged by clueless fuckwits, and poor you for feeling your blog caused him pain.

Not that he's likely to read these comments again... but I wish I could tell him that you have never ever portrayed him, or your relationship as anything other than what it is... perfect for the both of YOU! Plus, you have always been very understanding and respectful of the different ways you both handle situations with the beautiful babes... and anyone with half a brain would cheer with joy that you have such a well-functioning family arrangement. My biggest heart felt hugs to you both...
Manuela

[S]

I don't really understand why he's so upset. People are just different, and that's fine, and you made it VERY clear that you were fine with it. Who cares what people on the internet have to say about it?

[Maggaggie]

Hmmm...you know, oral sex seems to work out issues like these. LOL!

[Carmen]

I've got a husband who isn't comfy with babies at all - he's a Marko, and he's totally perfect in every way. Exactly what I, and our family, need. Just like Marko is the perfect husband and father for Tertia.

Keep on keeping on, T and M. You are both wonderful and perfect, and I adore your family.

I'd hug you, Marko, but I'm betting with the others that a handshake would be better.

[Jillian]

Okay, so it could be so much worse. When I first found out I was pg, I was sure that he would be useless. He doesn't do anything around the house at all. I even have to beg him to take out garbage and he only has to take it out because I can't lift it. However, now that i'm halfway done with the pg, he wakes up every morning, rolls over, and rubs my belly, waiting to be kicked. He might be alright with the baby, but only long enough for me to do the damn housework, I'm sure. At least the hubby's do SOMETHING. That's all that matters. Best of luck.

[Stacie]

Leaving the lurkdom sanctuary so I can beat someone's ass for hurting Marko.

Marko darling, you are the bomb and don't let anyone tell you differently. Fathers have to find their style of parenting just like mommies. My DH freaked when our little girl came into the world but he does beautifully with her now.

Anyone who is passing judgment obviously leads a perfect life and should be up for martyrdom. All babies are different and especially for you when you have everything x2. I'm sorry that your first experience with Tertia's blog hurt your feelings and I hope you will come back and read again. Your G&D wife is one awesome lady and her writings crack me up!

Tertia hug him for me cause he needs it even if he claims to not be affectionate :p

[Bridgette]

Marko, I think you are gorgeous and divine! And absolutely perfect for Tertia. Don't change a thing.

And obviously Tertias brother is gorgeous and divine as well. It makes me so happy to see the wonderful men you have in your life T. :)

[Mollie]

Gadzooks, I hope my husband doesn't ever read my blog. It's not the commenters but I who would hurt him enormously.

I think a lot of people work out their frustrations on the internet, either posting to their own blog or commenting on others'.

Marko, try not to take the more heated comments to heart. These people don't know you. I don't know you. I know you are wicked hot and I would shag you in an instant, but other than that, I only know what Tertia tells us and we all know that she can be selective in her reporting. Except I get it that she loves you very much, and that you reciprocate.

I also think that for a man who doesn't talk about feelings or emotions, you do pretty well. Perhaps it wasn't such a bad thing for you to read a bit of this blog, and get hurt, and end up airing out some of the things that might have been festering... but that's just me. If naff were an olympic sport, I'd have a gold medal.

I hope reading this thread of comments helps to ease the pain of discovering nasty things that have been said behind your back. How nice now to have so many saying sweet things right to your lovely face!!

[korin]

Poor marko... feeling hurt by stupid cyber bitches. Of course he is gorgeous and divine!
Shit, if your family works, then your family works. Not everyone runs the same. I have no idea howmy husband will ante up when the time comes, but I know what ever happens, we will make it work.
Again. sorry that the cyber whores made you feel bad!

[Bridget]

Tertia is a very lucky woman - she has her gorgeous and divine babies and an equally gorgeous and divine husband. The fact that the two of you went through everything that you did and came out on the other side with 2 beautiful babies and a strong relationship says everything about you.

Don't listen to any of the snarky, evil women. They are just jealous. I

[Sissy]

It's wonderful that we are all our own unique, fabulous and divine human beings! Would be a boring world if we all lived in the same box. That's also the beauty of your blog - you explore real life situations from YOUR life, not mine, not the blog next door. We never have to like what someone does, but we need to give it respect since we aren't all of the same mold. Thank heavens, keeps life pretty darn interesting to learn and share from others. Thanks for sharing.

[Kim]

Marko-

You are perfect for Tertia. She loves you the way your are. You need to be her rock and you are.

Don't let the bastards get you down!

[thalia]

Marko,

The only thing I've been wanting to say since I read Tertia's blog the first time. That is that I am sure you are not bad with the babies. I'm sure they love being held by you when you're feeling confident about it. Sometimes there's nothing you can do to stop them crying sometimes - babies are like that!

Anyway, I can tell from Tertia that you are a wonderful father and husband and friend. We all admire you from a distance!

[Shannon Finley]

Whatever works for your family is awesome! I have a Jeff and he is perfect for me, just as Marko is perfect for you.

Marko sounds like a great father/husband to me!

[trixygirl]

Delurking to say that I'm also married to a Marko (he's actually a "J") and I wouldn't trade him in for all the Pauls in the world (no offense to the Pauls...) Marko, I first fell in love with you back in October (sorry J), after reading an entry about your research into big screen tvs. You just reminded me so much of my husband, and it's always nice to read something and think, 'Good lord, she's talking about my life..." That's one of the reasons I keep reading Tertia's blog. Even though I don't have any kids, and have never experienced a pregnancy, even though I haven't been through nearly the depths of infertility hell that you two have, I keep coming back because I love following your story. I hope you will at least read one more entry, 'A Little bit of Paul', from earlier this month. It actually brought tears to my eyes. You are not only v.v. hot - you are an amazing Dad. But I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know...

[Brandy]

Marko (T you can tell him) sorry that you were hurt. As long as he is being the best father for your family, that is all that matters. Hugs to both of you!!!

[Stacey]

Aww, I feel bad for him. :(

On the upside, tell him that a ton of us think he's gorgeous!

[Pam]

M&T - you are both G&D, as are K&A. Smooches to everyone!

I'm so sorry that insensitive people can have such a negative effect on others, and I hope that you continue to not take such naff posts to heart.

Pam

P.S.- Am I using "naff" correct there?

[ginger]

Didn't survey because too many people had and eh, not really my thing - and now delurk to say sorry to Marko.

Not that he's reading, since he got hurt, but the lady of the blog might be willing to pass on the gist of these comments, yes?

You've been drive-by'd, you poor man. Tertia can show you some examples, since this has been a hot topic lately, but a drive-by is an unsolicited and unconstructive criticism of one's skills performed in a setting where there is minimal risk to the critic and maximum discomfort for the victim. Risk can be minimal because the critic is relatively anonymous (e.g. comments field or grocery store parking lot), or because the critic has some sort of moral high ground ("As a mother of seven myself, I must blah blah" "As someone less fertile than you" "As someone who outdoes you in the Pain Olympics", etc.)

Bystanders are helpless to stop the drive-by and can only try to stanch the bleeding and assure the vic that s/he did nothing to earn that.

So. Bandages and reassurance: none of us know much, because we're just reading Tertia's writing, but from all appearances, you love her, she loves you, and both of you are crazy about your kids and would do anything for them. Nothing else matters, least of all the minimally informed opinions of strangers a world away.

[Ally]

Marko-
Back when I first discovered Tertia's blog I was reading through the archives. Somewhere in there was an email from you to her that you wrote after looking at baby Ben's website. I remember thinking what a caring, compassionate, and amazing man, husband and father you seemed to be. Nothing I've read since has changed that first impression.

[sara]

Aww. Poor Marko.

Seeing the comments for the first time must have been a rude shock to his system--he doesn't realize that he's got a whole gaggle of internet ladies lusting after him and being jealous of the gorgeous and divine Tertia for having a gorgeous and divine Marko in her life. :)

[emma]

Ugh. Feel a bit sick thinking of Marko having to read some of those Marko/Paul comments. To be honest, I couldn't read them all and gave up in the end.
Tertia, please pass on to Marko that his email brought a tear to my eye. I have never doubted his love for you and the babies; what's more important is I don't think you have either. To me, this means he is doing the finest of all jobs at being a husband, father and human being!

[Angelia]

Marco. You are GORGEOUS AND DIVINE! Pure and simple. Its obvious how very very much you wife adores you. And you are a wonderful father. My husband cringed when our child cried, and hasn't changed on nasty diaper in the boys enitre two almost three years on earth. But he is a awesome dad because he loves his boy.. You are a awesome dad because you love your babies.. I am so sorry some nasty no one hurt your feelings.. blech on them

[Erica]

Hi Marko! You know you are so right that the negative comments don't help and only hurt. I hope you realize the people that left them aren't worth being upset over. You have a gorgeous and divine wife that adores you and two adorable babies that I hear look like you so you must be pretty cute too. Don't let them get to you!

[Amy V]

I really hope Marco reads these comments. I had to come out of lurkdom to respond. I really never took it that Marco didn't help with the babies. I simply took it as Tertia exploring her thoughts and feelings and experiences as a new mom.

I fell a little in love with Marco when Tertia posted about him whispering to Kate. I fell in love even more today reading his response to this. To me, Marco has never seemed as anything but supportive to Tertia, and therefore to the kids.

Even as the mom, there were so many times that I felt out of my depth with my twins. There have been times that I was so scared and worried about taking care of them I would get sick. I would be the last person to judge a father or another mother for feeling even remotely similar.

Marco and Tertia seem very content with each other. Who cares what the rest of the world thinks as long as they like/love/respect each other.

[mollyv]

T- stop reading comments and go shag Marko. He deserves it.
love you,
Molly

[Karen]

I never got into the Marko vs. Paul post but I do feel the need to comment now.

1st - I can't believe Marko never read your blog Tertia! Doesn't he know that his G&D wife is famous and well known world wide? (I guess he does now huh!)
2nd - I love Marko! I have really enjoyed reading his recent additions to your blog. He seems to be a REALLY cool guy.
3rd - He should not feel like a bad father. Men don't have the maternal instinct. They shouldn't be expected to either.
I know Marko helps you in ways that most husbands don't. If it works for your family then that is all that matters!
There are things my husband would never do that men may be "expected" to do.....and then there are things he does for me that make my neighbor down the street call me the luckiest bitch in the world.
Whatever works for your family - is the way it should be. I'm sad Marko won't be posting or reading anymore. I hope you show him all the good comments so he doesn't feel like we are all judgemental.
Marko - you are GORGEOUS and DIVINE!

[Jess]

I started to feel really sad for Marko because he was hurt by some stupid commenters. Then I realised hey - he has a gorgeous and divine wife and two beeyooootiful babies who all love him to bits. He's not doing so bad.

[Scully]

I'm sorry that people thought poorly of Marko. It never worried or bothered me that he felt a wee bit uncomfortable with crying babies.

I feel more than a wee bit uncomfortable with crying babies, so I can only imagine how he felt.

Marko: From what I've read on Tertia's blog, I believe you're a great husband and father. You're right. People need to think before they type/speak.

Thank you, Marko for posting. It was wonderful to hear from you.

[Melissa, Australia]

So, Tertia, do you think Marko would mind another hug from here, though I realise I need to get in line!

Marko, I am soooo sorry that you read negative comments. Pleeease don't take them to heart. I think (and I know I am not alone)that you are a wonderful husband and father. Tertia has helped us to get to know you a little, and we love you too! I didn't comment on the infamous post, but I read it. What's important for you to remember is what your lovely wife wrote. That you are wonderful and amazing and PERFECT for her! She has said this many many times, and most of us have no doubt at all of this.

Hope you do come back and visit though, we would love to hear more from you.

[AussieAndrea]

That Marko - he sounds like he's a bit of alright (top shelf Aussie compliment). Nice one.

[buttercup]

Hi Marko,

I didn't comment on the original post either, but as a woman married to a man much like yourself, I want to comment now.

My husband Michael is similar to you. He's a wonderful man, who just isn't built to be overly physically demonstrative. And that's cool! I expect him to be v. v. freaked by the screaming arrival we are expecting in June, and I'm ok with that too. Ultimately, he's an amazing husband, and I expect he'll be an amazing dad too, but he's the youngest in his family and therefore never really dealt with children much. I'm sure he will learn his own way to interact with our child, as you are learning all about your twins. He is also like you in that he takes wonderful care of me, and that is the most important thing in mind. The child care will come with time, and I know he'll be picking up the slack in other ways in the meantime - as you are doing.

I read back through the comments from the original post. Many struck me as openly supportive of you and Tertia, and a few made me cringe. I'm sorry that the hurtful ones always seem to be the ones that stand out in our minds (part of being human, I guess). Anyway, keep on rockin' You're doing just fine. Plus, Tertia's no sucker, so we who love her all know that you must be quite the catch. ;)

~ Buttercup

[Laura]

I went back & re-read my comment on the "Paul v. Marko" post and I don't *think* it was asshatty, but all the same I am sorry, Marko, for any part I had in hurting your feelings. I definitely think you are an awesome husband to T and wonderful father to your babies. I didn't read many of the other comments, but when I commented on that post I just took it as an opportunity to think out loud about the dynamics of different partnerships. You and T make your partnership work and that's what counts.

In short, anyone T thinks is gorgeous & divine is more than okay in my book.

[Mia C.]

Dear Marko via L&D-
I didn't post on that subject because I was kind of afraid this might happen. And I didn't want anyone running down Tertia's husband, the man who has been at her side through all the hell of your losses. But now I will comment.
I think what some people were saying, albeit badly, was....Most of us are not born baby handlers. If there was a mothering instinct in humans, it been so watered down through civilization it's almost unrecognizable. Unless it's an experienced baby nurse, there is one who doesn't have a near panic attack trying to soothe a baby. Women aren't born knowing how to change a diaper or comfort a baby, how to hold them, how to burp them or feed them. It takes time and LOTS of repetition. I know you're entering the water slowly but surely, but I can tell you without a doubt, if you didn't at all, you would be missing out. Big time. Taking care of a baby is how you love it.
Yeah, it may make you uncomfortable. Do it anyway. You won't regret it and from the adorable post about you staying up Kate, we know you are going to be the best dad.
Cause who else would be good enough for Tertia but a great guy.
Mia

[Carrie Jo]

What a bummer that Marko's first experience of your blog was a negative one. You should print these comments for him. They're quite an ego boost. ;o)

I honestly can't remember if I participated in the Paul vs. Marko debate though since DH and I don't have kids yet.

Marko, I've always had a soft spot for you because you sound so much like my own husband. My hubby doesn't read my blog I imagine because he thinks the subject matter is incredibly boring. We don't have kids yet, so I really don't know how my husband will be with our newborn(s). But he gets easily agitated by endless crying of a baby, so my guess is it will be challenging for him too. You are very much a manly man that is good at solving problems and taking action. With babies sometimes there really isn't anything to solve or any action to take when they're crying. So you take action in other ways such as helping out with bathing, shopping, and whatnot. That's f*cking cool if you ask me. Not that you are asking... Anyway, please know that the ones who said negative things about you are simply asshats. The rest of us know better.

[Angela]

Dear Marko,

I've been following Tertia's blog since she got pregnant and not once did I read anything from Tertia to suggest that you're nothing but a wonderful husband and father. So what if you don't feel comfortable with crying babies! Most men don't. My husband was the same. It changes over time. I won't send you a hug but how about a quick pat on the back? Keep on doing what you're doing.

[Emily]

I also did not comment on the original Paul v. Marko post--but now I will--

Marko--

I have a "Marko" here at home as well. He does hold our son when he is smiling, happy, doesn't need anything, but when it comes to feeding, diapering, crying--I get the duties. I don't mind. Before our son, he never held a baby less than a year old. He always said he felt like he would "break them." So I knew what to expect even before the little guy arrived. BUT--he does so much else around the house to help out (all the outside chores, laundry, walks the dog, etc) and that alone is a big help. I can handle the baby--he helps with other stuff. I know that later on, he will take him hunting, fishing, out to play, and spend tons of time with him--but while he's little, he's more comfortable with me taking care of him. I don't mind at all--I love my "Marko" just as much as Tertia loves you. Personally--I think Markos rock.

[Mallie]

I was a fairly regular reader (3-4 times a week until the last month or so, then life got incredibly crazy busy and I had to cut back on some of my more time-sucking hobbies (reading, writing, posting to blogs).

Now that I'm all caught up (*phew* that was a lot of reading!) if I may throw my 2c in (I believe the term here is "assvice"?) and some other comments.

1. In re the negative stuff = People are going to be judgemental assholes regardless of what is written and/or how it the event is portrayed. Take the nastyness for what it is - Words on a screen that don't amount to a hill of beans in the real world.

2. Yes, I am definitely in the "Marko is hot" camp.

3. I love the pic of your backyard. Michigan is so boring. I want to open the bedroom curtains and wake to Godzilla stomping around and giant mantises skulking about and best of all, penguins! I want a yard filled with penguins!

Best wishes to you and Marko and the bebes,

M

(PS: I've yoinked your "G&D" essay and posted it here and there (will full credit and a link to you, of course) because I thought it was an exceptional post :D)

[Emily]

Marko,

I didn't read the first post that sparked this letter, but how anyone can say you're not a great Dad/person/husband, etc. really needs to get a clue. Tertia and you have been through hell and back to get to this point and it's been a hard, hard road and you did it together and needed each other to deal with a lot of the crap life has thrown at you and you're doing marvelous. Tertia is fabulous and so are you...and your babes are beauts! No one can really know what it's like in someone else's life until they are in their shoes. Tertia is happy, you're happy and I know from going through my own 'crap' (and still ongoing with my Infertility) that I couldn't do it without my husband's support. Throughout it all, he's the thing that I can depend on...and he too is not overtly emotional, never has been. I would hardly call that useless. Sometimes you just need to shake your head and wonder what people are thinking and not give it a second thought. I would say this is one of those times.

xxoo to you and your lovely family.

[sara]

A side note... Boy do you have your commenters trained. ;) Everyone is calling the two of you gorgeous and divine. Yeesh.

[kelly]

I too refrained from commenting on that post even though i sort of wanted too. My reasoning on not doing it? I was hoping to make everyone feel better about who they have but I feared people would either one call my husband an ass or two think that when I praised something my husband did I was criticizing them.

People don't understand how Tom and i are married still. but we are. And we are happy. neither of us is perfect but we are perfect for each other. And all those other people? They don't have to be married to him, so why do they care?

[Orange]

The parenting roles that any couple choose for themselves are obviously right for their family. Any criticism from outsiders constitutes a drive-by or assvice. (And I have been guilty of this in my life. I'm trying to be better...)

My husband is kind of a Paul and kind of a Marko--and I wouldn't have it any other way. Our life is good, our kid is happy, and it's all working out just great for us. Would I like him to cook and clean more? Sure, and I'd like to hire a full-time chef, too. Ain't gonna happen, and that's okay.

[shelly]

Marko, you should have read only what Tertia wrote. The first paragraph said everything that matters. Tertia has You and loves YOU. It's obvious that you love her and the babies very much. Please forget the nasty comments. I'm sorry they hurt your feelings.

[projgen]

Hmmm... I noticed that everything Marko said about himself is EXACTLY what Tertia said about him (except for the "useless father" part, obviously!) And equally obviously, you know your husband very well, T, and you were made for each other.

He just forgot to say that YOU are G&D :)

Add another hug for Marko to the list.

(oh, and one for your way awesome brother, too!)

[MollieBee]

You are not useless Marko, the only opinion that matters is Tertias and she loves you, therefore we love you. I'm so sorry that the first time you read Tertias blog was such a unpositive thing. I am crying because it's just not fair.

[b]

The guys whose wives talked about them being lousy in bed are the ones who should have hurt feelings. Hope they never stumble across those comments. Tertia seems delighted with the father of her babes.

[Wash Lady]

The best thing that a daddy can do for his children is to love their mommy.
Sounds like you have that down.
Screw anyone who would piss on what you and Tertia have going.

[RainbowW]

Marko --

Fuck them. You're responsible to Tertia, not to us. She loves you, and that's what matters. If she loves you and still wants you, I think you're pretty cool.

[anon]

Poor Marco. That must have hurt..
A few words of wisdom from my heart though, and I say this genuinely.. My parents were both the sort that did not show much affection (because they were raised that way) and as a result I never quite felt loved.
As a parent I am the gushiest, most complimentary, loving parent I can be. I hope you will try your damnest to make your kids feel LOVED. Can't handle the screaming at this stage? Fine, I can understand it. Just try to overcome the lack of emotion thing if you can, your kids will thank you!

[Nicole]

sheesh, anon, thanks for the assvice!!