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Someday, I hope this list will be unarchived for my own personal use.

Until then, you made me laugh because you made "fucking" into "f***ing" in item 2, and I was all like "hey, we used to say fucking around here? Are the babies reading the blog already? Fuck."

But then you wrote fucking in item 10, and peace & order returned to my world....


Hahaha. So true.

Welcome to Motherhood, please fasten your seatbelt and prepare to be sacrificed to the parenting gods.

And somewhere far above actually shaving my legs on the priority list is feeling bad that I'm hardly interested in making the effort to shave said legs.

Well said. Each and every number.

How perfectly stated. I don't know how many times I've gotten the evil eye for telling "the truth" to some people. I'm so glad that you're honest and not just painting soft watercolors about parenting and infanthood. Its not easy. Never has, never will be.

Just another reason that you're G&D.


Wait--at your hospital they changed your sheets, brought you food, and took care of your babies? At mine they let me wipe up my own blood off the bathroom floor, tossed me a stale croissant for "breakfast" and stuck my baby's heel every 30 minutes. Assholes. I'm having my next baby in SA.

Oh, and I read some blurb about some researchers who have been studying the "do we get our brains back" thing and they've been doing before and after CAT scans. Apparently we end up with even better brains. You know, to help us figure out how to shave our legs again.

HAHAHA - sorry dear but your brain will NEVER be the same again. Sure we regain it but it's just not the same cleverness it used to be - see there for e.g. used a word like cleverness - what IS that about. Ho hum. Doesn't matter anyhow 'cos we are G&D so who cares how clever we are. Tralala.

good stuff, tee.

here's a few from hong kong:

11) your parents stop seeing you as their daughter...you are now officially the mother of THEIR grandchild

12) if you are breastfeeding, you really don't care who sees your boobs, because they are not anything sexual, they are the lifesaving device that is going to shut up your wailing beast of a child.

13) you wake up soaked in sweat (your body losing weight) and you are relieved...for a minute there you thought it was blood.

14) even if you never liked it before, you are liking chocolate.

15) baby clothes shrink. there is no way your child ever fit into that newborn size. it must have shrunk in the wash, wish all your pre-pg clothes.

16) it is a lot of fun to gently pull a baby's chin downwards when their lips are together...it makes that cute THUCK sound.

17) meconium is actually melted car tyres.

18) people, even friends, seem happy to give you the worst case scenario.

nuff said. very sweet looking babies these days my darling. xo

That was SO well written! It should be published LOL

I have always wondered why women were in such a hurry to get home from the hospital. It was wonderful! People brought me food and gifts, my baby slept nestled in the crook of my arm or in a bassinet by my side, the one night she was fussy all night a nurse volunteered to take her so I could get some sleep, I had a handle to help yank myself out of bed (vital after a c-section), and I only changed one diaper! How is life at home with a newborn going to get any better than that? :-)

True, so true. Wouldn't be so damn funny if it wasn't!

I delivered at Moxie's hospital (give or take a thousand miles). After much arm twisting, they let me go home 36 hours after the c-section. I finally got some rest, soft sheets, and good food and no disinfectant smells. I hate being in hospitals. Aside from that, a hearty "amen sistah!"

I love slip slops! I'll never call them anything else again.

This list should be given to every newly pg woman. Thanks!

11) Sometimes it's not like that. Sometimes it's not like that at all. But you should be aware that it could be.

We are so screwed for child #2.

Now THIS is a list they should publish in the pregnancy or parenting magazines, but they won't. They'd probably blame it on not being able to find a model that actually looks like a new mom.

Well said.

List is being printed out as we speak and posted on my fridge for future reference.

heehee, you said slip slops instead of flip flops.


(just kidding, I am listening, but you know, I'll re-read when baby is born and then it will sink in)

omigod... Childless in Vancouver here... and I gotta say... this entry represented every fear I've ever harboured about having a baby... although, after having taken 37 years to convince myself that it will, indeed, be worth it... I'm now questioning whether I should return to my previous stance... Do you like children??? Oh yes, particularly when sauteed with onions.

KIDDING OF COURSE... But boy... Tertia... I feel your pain... I really do... so well written...


I have to point out that staying in the hospital after giving birth vaginally is not the same thing as staying in the hospital after major surgery. A cesarean is a miracle if you need it, but recovery can be hard.

I've been a childbirth educator, doula, la leche league leader, and labor and delivery nurse, and I wish that mothers could go home as soon "as they feel like it." For a nice vaginal birth without perineal tearing that's probably a few hours. For a cesarean it could be a week, or longer with complications.

That is the best damn post I have ever read! Sooo true!

This was so great! Often those magazines don't really get into the nitty gritty of it all. They show pretty pregnant women but they don't give it to us straight. When anyone asks me what it's really like -- I always tell them about the lack of sleep. *Yawn*

Oh man, that is priceless. But as you know, the pregnant woman can't believe you - I think it is one of the pregnancy hormones that causes you to close your ears and go "la, la, la - everything will be fine."
Pregnant with number 2 now. Mine will be 19 months apart if all goes well. (IVF and FET). I can't quite imagine the hell it will be those first 6 weeks.
Also Hong Kong person - a great other set - all SOOO true. No modesty about your body for months.

That made me laugh so hard I think I peed a little. I would add that friends and family never care to see you again, it's all about the baby. Show up without the baby and you will get a look that will shrivel you to pieces.

Thank you! I'm counting down until my c-section on Monday. It's been nearly 5 years since my daughter was born. I feel like I've forgotten everything.

Those are all so true! I was so sad to leave the hospital. The nurses were at my beck and call. Also, I could order as much food as I wanted! Like a hotel, only I didn't have to pay the room service cost. my insurance took care of that. Ha.
Thanks again. That list is perfect.

well put! now if we could just somehow get moms-to-be to understand that this list really, truly applies to them. i don't think anyone ever believes they will have it as hard as other moms have until it does in fact happen to them.

It is totally fucking amazing!

Aw...so true!!

Horrifying. I am now rethinking my whole stance on having children. Is it really that bad? Oh God. I wonder if my husband will notice if I stay on birth control for the REST OF MY LIFE.

I appreciate the honesty, but now I am petrified to ever spawn.

brilliant. I have a theory on #3- I think they are programmed to cry x hours per day, where x varies from baby to baby. Mine for example cries/screams/hollers approx 6 hours per day. Sometimes it's half an hour here or there, sometimes all 6 hours in a row.

I was lucky, for both of my hospital stays I got to stay 5 blissful days and nights. I loved it. Ahh, it was wonderful. And then you get HOME. And real life sets in dammit!

I could not agree more :)


I haven't had the experience that others here have had. We've had a great time of it and love being parents, sleep deprivation and all.

That said, I only had one, and he was an easy one. And you don't know what you're going to get until they come out!


All so true!

Thank you for teaching the American crowd the word "naff." But one of your links lists conflicting etymologies. Do you know which is correct:

(1) Originally Naff was Medieval Scottish for vagina.
(2) original meaning: "not available for fucking"

Really, these two possible origins could not be more different.

you've really outdone yourself this time. excellently written and caused me to laugh out loud at work... especially #7 and #9... but sadly oh so true.

best article about motherhood!!! =)))

My baby was born at home. There was no "hard" homecoming. Everyone and everything was lovely to me for about two weeks straight. I cried out of sheer joy for what I had just been through. Who cared if the baby cried? That's what they DO! You don't always have to figure it out. I looked better than I ever had before with all those hormones - wasn't skinny but I didn't care. Wore sweatpants for two weeks, didn't care. My husband turned out to be phenomenal... I think that had to do with the control we had of our birth. Didn't loose much sleep... I slept with baby and breastfed on demand so I got tons of sleep while she slept. Couldn't wait to have sex again. Hmmmm. I know dozens of women just like me. We must be weird!

There are many women out there who are scared to have children, now you've really put fear into them. I don't understand why you didn't say anything nice about being a mother as if you hate being one. I'm 4 months pregnant and I know that all my sleepless nights will be well worth it. I wonder are you and your husband still together.....

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