Do you believe in love at first sight?

I don’t.  When I met my husband, I thought he was kind of cute and that I might just keep him around for the summer.  In fact when my friends asked me when I would dump him (as was my habit) I said ‘after the summer’.  Well summer came and went and they asked ‘but WHEN are you going to dump him’.  So I said ‘as soon as he irritates me’.  By that stage every man I had met eventually ended up irritating me, and as a result had to be dumped.  After a year of Marko not irritating me I realized this could actually be Serious.  It could be True Love.  And so I married him.  And my love for him grows every day, it amazes me. (Except for the days where he acts like an asshole and I want to kill him).

So I don’t believe in love at first sight.  And I am going to tell you something that might get me crucified here, but it was not love at first sight with my babies.  Sure, I loved them because they were my children, but I didn’t feel that instant rush of overwhelming love.  Overwhelming fear yes, but not that rush of love that some people talk about.  I loved them but I wasn’t in love.

There was so much going on, the scary labour, the c-section, the months of bed rest, the loss of Luke and Ben, the five years of infertility, there was just too much stuff taking up space inside. 

And it worried me.  It worried my family actually.  As I’ve said, I do think I was suffering from a bit of PPD.  I was sorely disappointed, where was the rush of love?  The amazing feeling that I had waited for?  Reality was so different to the fantasy I had been harboring for so long.

What I didn’t know, and should have realized, is that love grows, well in my life it does.  It grows until you wake up and realize that you love your child fiercely.  With all your heart.  And forever.  And it’s a beautiful feeling.  I look down at my children lying on my chest and I can’t believe how much I love them.

It took a while, but I’m in love, truly madly deeply. 

Comments

[Mama]

I, too, did not fall in love with my babes right away. In fact, a few weeks after the first one was born, I remembered having read something about how once a baby arrived, the husband takes a backseat to the baby in the love stakes. According to that author, the baby would immediately capture more of my heart than my husband could have.

Yet, even weeks after he was born, I definitely did not feel that. I am fairly certain I had a bit of PPD, but I don't think that was it.

It was only after reading a few more realistic accounts of new motherhood that I realized that deep love of the baby at first sight was hardly universal--maybe even uncommon??

But of course, he grew on me, and now at four years old, it often feels as though he is my heart walking around.

And when the second arrived a few months ago, I certainly liked him right away, but I couldn't love him immediately with the same intensity I had for his older brother. It takes time. And actually, while I was pregnant I had a long discussion about the issue with one of my midwives who had just had her second. She said it took several months before she felt really bonded with her second.

I'm inclined to think that deep love for a baby at first sight is about as rare as a mother who loves the first three months, but I haven't really talked about it with to many people. I'm interested in seeing what others have to say.

[Boulder]

I do believe in love at first sight. I think that sometimes it just takes us a while longer to realize what some part of our soul already knows.

And I'm convinced that the acting like an asshole/wanting to kill him is our primitive side coming back to life - I mean, if we didn't get mad enough with them to want them AWAY from us, when would they have EVER gone out for a hunt? - And then there is the thing called make-up-sex.

So happy hearing about this new love of yours.

xoxo

[Kam]

I think this is pretty common, T. Certainly no reason to feel bad, or even unusual. I wanted to protect Meg, to take care of her, when she was born, but I didn't really adore her as I do now. It took some time, and the feeling has certainly intensified steadily. People kept telling me that the stage when their children were babies was the best of their lives, and I wondered whether I was missing something. But now I know it only gets better. We're almost at three years now. I'll check back with you on that curve in, say, ten.

So relieved to hear you're feeling better!

[Melissa]

Me too. I loved Xander when he was born. I felt terribly protective of him. But I remember distinctly, looking at him, and thinking, "boy he's cute". But in an abstract way, just as I would any other cute baby. I can't say that he felt like mine! I can't say that I was in love with him. Not the fierce, overwhelming love that catches my breath now when we lie in bed together, just him and I, and stare into each others eyes until he giggles. Not that kind of love. And I don't know exactly when that kicked in. I think it was a few weeks, maybe even more. I don't know if there was a definitave moment, when I suddenly felt a rush of "that" love.

But then, I didn't for my husband, either. He was my best friend for years before we fell in love. And there wasn't that mad crazy moment of being in love with him. I remember for the first little while, feeling terribly guilty, because I knew I was going to break his heart when I dumped him! Because, surely at some point, I would have to dump him! But, boy oh boy, it's there now! Just gradually, I knew. Now I can't imagine there ever being a time when I didn't know. But it was there!

So, Tertia,now, here I am with the man of my dreams, and a 2 year old who takes my breath away. What more could a girl want?

[Christine K]

I think most people have to let that love kind of creep up on them. I had the years of trying and early m/c, but I had a very pleasant delivery - no drama at all. And they handed me my son and he was cute and I was so glad he was here, but he didn't feel like he was MINE and I certainly didn't have that "I'd die for him" love that I feel now (nearly three years later). I do remember sometime in the first three months rocking him in his room after nursing and suddenly being hit by it all and just crying with joy for a little while.

The comment about the heart walking around made me think of a print I got after my son was born: http://compendiuminc.com/catalog_main.php - go to "prints" and it's the one on the second line. The quote is: Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.

So true....

[Leah]

I couldn't agree with you more. I keep waiting and waiting for the rush of overwheming love...day by day it just sort of happened. Until I loved my son more than anything else.

[Alanna]

Infertile perspective: I experienced love at first sight w/ my nephew - not so much w/ my niece. It took a few weeks for that to kick in and now I am completely crazy about her (talk of cloning if ivf doesn't work out has come up).

I just want to say Thank You for your honesty and sharing your experiences - it's scaring the piss out of a lot of us and I think that's a good thing.

I'm glad things are going better and you're in love again.

[katie]

My mother-in-law, a very wise person, told me that when you have a child something very heavy comes and sits on your shoulders and never gets up! This overwhelming sense of responsibility and the fear of messing up overtakes any love that you feel sometimes. I fell in love with my second right away. But that was because I had already dealt with the immense responsibility that a child brings. Throw in your previous experiences and I can totally understand why you have felt this way. I don't even think it's ppd. It's this awareness that someone else depends on you for everything. It's huge. It looms large. I thought about death a lot. I prayed that God would save my life if only to save my children's lives. Sounds melodramatic, right? My sister reported the same kind of feelings. Love is a decision we make each and every day. If it's a good day, it's an easy one to make.

[Beret]

That's what I tell my friends...I didn't "fall" in love with Isabel at first sight, I grew in love with her. I always felt guilty about that, but I don't anymore.

The love I felt for her at birth was the protective "I'd die if anything happened to her" kind of love. A few months later it was the intoxicating "she's my life" kind of love. 3 1/2 years later it's "Wow! This little girl is so clever, funny, smart, LOVING, sweet and complex...I am IN LOVE!!!"

Sometimes I'll look at her and she'll do something that reminds me of her father (my wonderful husband) and the love seems too much for me to handle.

Just as we grow to love our spouses we grow to love our kids.

[Tessa]

You know, everyone acts like giving birth is supposed to be some blissful joining of souls experience.
Hell, I was in love with the fact that SHE WAS NOT IN ME anymore. How about that?

I'm sure you're getting tired of everyone telling you how normal you are, but it's the truth. Normal, normal, normal.

[Ana]

Oh yes, it wasn't love at first sight for me either. Not like we see in movies for sure. That is another thing I wish someone had told me in advance because it scared the shit out of me!

[Susan]

I hope to someday be able to write a post like that.

[Lisa]

Since I am shallow and intially attracted by looks, it was easier to love my babies once they quit looking like Frank Sinatra and started looking like the Gerber baby. Fat is such a beautiful thing on a baby. Put that same cople of pounds on me and well, it wiggles.
I remember being immediately protective of my babies, but love, I think I had to get to know them. I know when my second was born I was deeply concerned about my 2 year old. If I had had to make a Sophie's Choice those first few days, I would have handed over that newborn in favor of my other daughter.
However, 3 or 4 months later, I loved the baby completely and would have gladly given over that 2 year old hellion for awhile.
Tertia, I think it's time for your book. Or maybe their first birthday would be the end of volume one. Seriously, you are a great writer, this is a compelling story with an ending full of hope.

[Rebekah]

Me too ... I don't know if I would have had a "gush of emotion" had I given birth under different circumstances, but I certainly think having a C-section, and our being in the NICU and ICU respectively didn't help matters. Like Melissa already said, I remember when they showed me the baby I had thoughts along the lines of, "Wow, what a cute baby ... I wonder who he belongs to". It was hard to wrap my brain around the fact that he was MINE.

What I found most interesting about this experience was at the same time I wasn't feeling all lovey-dovey for my baby yet, I had some SERIOUS "mama instincts" going on. I was in the ICU, after having seen my son for a total of 5-10 minutes in over 24 hours, and all I wanted to do was get up and take care of him, protect him, and make sure he was o.k.. I remember thinking someone else is taking care of my baby, and that's not their job, that's MINE. Weird how that happens, huh?

Oh, and I also didn't fall head over heels for my DH immediately either. I think that happened last year sometime. ;)

[Abby]

I spent almost the 1st year of my daughter's life worried that I was emotionally scarring her b/c I wasn't "bonding" well enough. Now, keep in mind that I had very severe PPD. My psychiatrist kept assuring me that it would be ok, and that she would be fine. Well, it is ok, and she's more than fine (and she'll be 7 in June). And I love her so much that sometimes it hurts. I just wanted to reassure pregnant people who might be reading this that even if the-almost-worst-case-scenario happens, you do fall totally in love with them. At some point. And if it doesn't happen right away, that's OK.

[Em]

I was disappointed in the same way. I thought I would love my kids like I love other baby relatives that came into our family. But there is so much else going on! For me it was the overwhelming responsibility and worry. I do love my children that much now but I also can't wait for someone else in the family to have a baby so I can JUST enjoy the baby.

I'm also a postpartum/well baby nurse and for the first month, I felt like I was caring for a patient. I love my patients but I expected to love my own more. It was so bad I would reach for a clipboard to chart on after I changed a diaper.

It came though. 100%

[Jody]

I think everyone experiences things different, and no reaction is the "right" reaction.

I loved all of my kids from the moment of conception. The moment they were born, I was totally and completely, head over heels in love with them. I couldn't take my eyes or hands off of them.

My daughter came to us after 4 miscarriages, and I think my love for her is the most fierce of all.

I really, really love the newborn period too. I am weird that way, LOL. But, I also only had singleton pregnancies.

Tertia, I am amazed at how well you are handling your life. One baby is very hard in the first 3 months, two must be mind numbing. Hang in there, it gets so much better.

And congratulations on your new found love. It is a love that never dies!!

[Liz]

I love your honesty, T. Always have. And MOST of the moms I know have said the same thing to me - nice to know you're not alone, eh?

[Scully]

I fell for my son's father immediately, but the kid, it took me several days. And then we were walking the halls of the hospital, trying to get him to sleep, and hoping I wouldn't drop him out of sheer exhaustion, and I fell in love with him.

Right now, I don't like him very much because he's a teenager and become his father, but I still love him.

[Trish]

The only difference between you, Tertia, and all of the other other mums out there is- you are honest. Really. I mean, perhaps if you had a full-time nanny from the minute your babies were born and only saw them when they were sleeping or being angels- perhaps then you would immediately be overwhelmed with love (like most of the stars here in the US)- but... MOST people are dealing with their deliveries, dealing with their postpartum bodies, dealing with strange little creatures who nobody ever TAUGHT them how to take care of... It's rough. It's a tad frightening as well.

You are doing such a wonderful job- wonderful, wonderful job.

[Nicole]

Tertia, I so relate to what you are saying. When my first baby was born I was not googoo gahgah enamored immediately. I was exhausted, overwhelmed and experienced a great degree of 'mothershock' which explains it quite well. When she was 11 days old she started in with colic - 100% inconsolable crying for 3 to 5 hours straight every night. Needless to say, I still experienced a growing bond with her. So much so that by the time I took her to her 8 week check up and agreed to vaccinate her I was almost surprised at how fierce my love and protection for her was. As soon as she got her shots and started crying I was beside myself. I started crying too and was amazed at how intense my love for her had become. I felt a little like a mother bear. To this day whenever someone else's words or actions make my children cry I still find myself getting all choked up. And that love just gets stronger all the time.

[Menita]

This is SO good to know!

[ZGirl]

I'm starting to think that immediate overwhelming love with your babies is bullshit (at the beginning) I don't think I've met anyone yet who HAS had that love. The worst part of it is that you end up with all of this guilt because of this thing that's supposed to happen and when it doesn't you feel like you did something wrong or that there is something wrong with you... At least that's how I felt.

With my first baby was born I felt very much the way you did Tertia. I wanted her so bad and was so thrilled to be having her that when she arrived and that rush wasn't there- I seriously thought what the fuck is wrong me? It was mother shock absolutely.

I was worried that I would break her mostly- she just seemed so fragile and teeny. I think what it came down to was that I didn't have confidence in myself. This was the scariest thing to ever happen to me (and I've had my fair share trust me) and I didn't *know* that I could do it so naturally I was nervous as hell.

BUT it got better... and one day WHAMMO I had such intense love for her that I would cry just thinking about her. I actually experienced a kind of panic attack. Suddenly my heart was so full of love that it was physically heavy on my chest and I thought I would burst- like seriously burst. I sobbed uncontrollably and thought I would die from this love that my heart wasn't big enough for this and that I could explode. Needless to say it was intense ;-)

Do you think hormonal fluctuations could have anything to do with this? HAHA

My heart got bigger like freaking fucking huge after this major event- it just did... Then I was worried that I loved her too much!

Yes irony plays a cruel part in my world. ;-)

The bottomline- motherhood is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. At least that's what I believe. I now have a new baby boy he's just a few weeks older than your twins, and while I still didn't have that overwhelming love immediately. I did *know* what to do and I wasn't scared so my confidence this time around has made this stage so much easier than last time! He's also a really gentle soul and it was easier for me to *get him* but I think it just comes with the experience of the first.

I think that our anthropology has manifested into all this external pressure to get all this stuff right away and maybe our culture has obsessed with how it's supposed to be rather than how it is, so it pleases me that Andrea has written the Mother Shock book. Hopefully this will become a meme.

Boy this turned out to be kind of a rant! I apologize for that and my own sleep deprivation may have lead me to be less to the point than I had hoped- but I hope it is helpful in some way.

That is if it makes any sense! HA

Be well, those babies will be smiling back at your soon and your will explode- You've been warned ;-)

[dana]

I have experienced love at first sight and it ended very, very badly.. Much better to fall slowly but permanently.

Such a sweet post thank you!

[Sheridan]

Thanks for sharing this. You have been the biggest help in getting me ready for the birth of my first, due in April. No-one else tells how it really is, and although I'm a bit anxious now after hearing the truth, later on I know that I will realise I am just normal.

Thanks a million.

Now if I could just get my singleton to be half as healthy as either of your gorgeous babies, I will be doing just fine. Great job Tertia.

[wessel]

I don't have time to read all the comments but just wanted to pop over and get caught up on your blog and add a comment.

You are right on--real love is not always "instant." When we brought my son home in the car from the hospital, I was soooo tired. We both started to walk in the house, and I turned to his father and said, "Aren't you going to bring it in?"

IT.

But, after a few weeks, we were in love. I also agree that the slow fall is much better in terms of marital prognosis. It took me a while to love my husband, and now we have the kind of love that daily grows.

Glad you are letting the night nurse go. Unfortunately, there are nurses that have a rough touch and some of them are even a little proud of it, as if they have insider knowledge that allows them to manhandle patients while the rest of world is too stupid and must settle for being gentle. (I can say that, because I am one and I've seen that attitude.) The nurse who gave my son his first bath was one such person; she whipped him around under her arm like a football and began roughly scouring his little head. She was just showing off how competent she was while trying to show me that I was such an incompetent nobody. It worked, because I was too terrified to pull him from her arms.

Rose sounds like a gem. Divide and conquer sounds like a brilliant battle plan! And YOU sound so much better. :-)

[Anne]

And you are truly, madly, deeply normal! I did not get that fall in love thing with baby 1 and didn't really know what people were talking about. In fact it took 10 months for that fall in live thing to happen. I thought there was something wrong with me too, but there wasn't. Call it a dodgy ultrasound at 34 weeks, call it a blue baby (literally), call it resuscitation and humidicrib and convulsions and major league bf problems...calll it what you will, the love bit didn't happen. Baby two was a completely different experience. One look at her and I was besotted - still am, but now with both babies, not just one. You sound perfectly normal to me.

[Joy]

Tertia,

You make my heart smile...you're a beautiful mom.

Joy

[Cherith]

Right there with you Tertia. And something that I always tells first time expectant moms. Some do feel that rush of love at first sight, some do not. I did not. I felt instinct. Jesse took me out to dinner one night, soon after Isaac was born, and I just sobbed and sobbed about how I did not feel what I knew as love for him. I felt horribly guilty. But it is normal and it is something that every expectant mom needs to be prepared for. The guilt makes it worse and there is no reason to feel guilty. When you look at it logically, it is hard to fall head over heels in love, site unseen, with a little parasite who is literally sucking away your life. Yes I know that is a very neagtive description of the first few weeks of motherhood but I also think it is a realistic one and women need to give themselves a break from feeling guilty about not loving every second of it. Guilt makes everything 200x more difficult.

[Day]

Your kind of love is the healthiest kind of love there is.

[beenthere]

Truly, Madly, Deeply is my favourite movie. And since this is all anonymous I will admit that since I couldn't order a copy of it anywhere I rented then KEPT (well ended up paying for it since it had been 'lost') the single copy from our local Lackluster Video store. Amazing that they had a copy where we live--and it had NEVER been rented.

I did fall in love with my man at first sight although the words that ran through my head the moment I saw him were "here comes trouble" which for me is pretty much the same thing.

As far as my twin babes, I can say there was also love at first sight (here comes trouble...) but for whatever reason I didn't have a fear of falling in love with them immediately. It actually took me a while to come to the fear. But I guess we all do the love/fear when it happens.

By the way, those are some fiercely gorgeous babies Tertia and I check your site everyday for the hope of more photos.

You are amazing!

Take care.

[jody]

"I'm starting to think that immediate overwhelming love with your babies is bullshit (at the beginning) I don't think I've met anyone yet who HAS had that love."

Hi, I am Jody. Now you have.

"The only difference between you, Tertia, and all of the other other mums out there is- you are honest. Really. I mean, perhaps if you had a full-time nanny from the minute your babies were born and only saw them when they were sleeping or being angels- perhaps then you would immediately be overwhelmed with love (like most of the stars here in the US)- but... MOST people are dealing with their deliveries, dealing with their postpartum bodies, dealing with strange little creatures who nobody ever TAUGHT them how to take care of"

Yes, I have had a c-section w/child #1, 2 VBACs, one 3rd degree episiotomy, one child with clubfoot, 4 m/c in a row and a 2nd c-section w/child #4. No nanny here, and I was immediately overwhelmed with love for all 4 of my children......and I am telling the truth. When I held my 3rd son for the first time and looked down at his severely deformed foot, my heart filled with so much love that I thought it would break open. I loved him with all my heart and soul, immediately.

Like I said in my comment above, what I experience may be different from someone else's, but that is all it is. It's just different, not right or wrong, just mine.

What I love about Tertia's writing is that she states how she feels, and does not discredit anyone if they feel differently. She does not call someone elses feelings bullshit if it does not match her own experience.

Tertia, your post about falling in love with your babies is beautiful. I am so happy for you and look forward to hearing more about your beautiful family.

[Stacey]

Seconded Jody, I was in love the instant I held my daughter in my arms. Sure she was bloody and gooey and looked a little like an alien, but goddamn I loved her. But every Mom is different, every labour is different (mine sucked ass, but I was up walking after an hour)

It's still the hardest job I've ever done, but I love it.

And I love my fatty. :D

[Lily]

Do I believe in it? Yes.

Do I think that love that takes time to develop is any less valuable, less real, or less destined to be? Not at all.

When I first met my husband, I had an actual psychic experience where I looked into his eyes and saw the face of the man at the end of the aisle at my wedding. Is that love at first sight? I don't know, maybe. I didn't remember who he was at first when he called me a week later. Then, oh yeah!!!

Totally not comparing love of children to love of pet here, but bear with me. I have a cat who I love to the point of obsession. When I first brought her home, I kept asking myself whether or not she was really cute. Just saying that now seems like the most absurd thought ever. She's the light of my life.

My mom claims that she loved me the second I was born. I think she's telling the truth because she also says she didn't think my sister was pretty when she was born. But I'm not going to feel bad if I don't get that overwhelming love at first sight. The depths of love I feel for those that I am in love with know no bounds, regardless of how long they took to fully bloom.

[andrea]

Don't worry Tertia, it's taken me 18 months to truly love my daughter.

[Rachelle]

I also didn't fall in love with my baby at first sight. I felt a fierce, maternal love for him, but I didn't know him in any real way, so I only loved WHAT he was and what he stood for - my son - but not WHO he was. When I started to really get to know him, in a few weeks - probably somewhere between week 6 - 10 - that's when I really fell head over heels. Until then, I felt love, but it was intermingled with all the other mixed feelings you've described about being a new mother.

[TriciaG]

Oh my goodness, I could have written that post! Thank you for validating what so many women won't speak of. I remember feeling like an actress at the hospital "pretending" I was so in love with this strange human who didn't speak my language. I was convinced that all I could ever do was like her a lot. Oh boy though, I remember so clearly a few months later looking down at her in my arms and realizing that at last I was in love with her - truly, madly, deeply.

[Susie]

I'm definitely in the "took a little while" camp. I loved my babies when they arrived, but I didn't feel that deep loving connection for a while. And, to echo what many others have said here, it would be physically impossible for me to love them more than I do today. They are two of the most wonderful individuals I know. And of course, I am totally objective about this. Really.

Oh, and Truly, Madly, Deeply is one of the greatest movies of all time.

[falimako]

When I had my son, I fell in love with him on the second night in the hospital. When my daughter was born, it took me about a month to get that overwhelming feeling of love. I think you are normal!

[Riley]

I felt the same way. I wondered what was wrong with me. I tried for 10 years for my baby. Had 2 losses and numerous IF treatments - why didn't I love him at first sight? That was SO hard. And it is something that is very hard to admit especially to other IFers. But let me tell you - I love that little bugger to death now. It grows every day. It is amazing. Dont' know what I would do without him. I am having another in July and I hope things after birth are different this time. We will see...

[kp]

i do believe in love at first sight! with my husband and with my little boy who is now almost 3 months! it's gotten me into trouble with the former, we'll see how it goes with the latter. this is the first time visiting your site and love it.

[Kel]

Didn't really feel it until he was about 3 months old. Loved him certainly, felt biologically encoded to protect and serve him, but not gushy in-love with him.

And then it starts. It was the romantic nature of my love for him that startled me. Like a good old, soul-enveloping crush on any new boy in my life; I wanted to make him laugh, I thought only about him when I was away from him. I came up little things I could do or get for him that would make him happy.

But it took some time... once again, thanks for your honesty.

Kel