Bug Fix: Newborn Baby 1.0

Dear Manufacturer,

Since recently acquiring a Newborn Baby (NB) or two, I couldn’t help but notice a design fault here and there.  Nothing major but I feel obligated to make mention of these and perhaps offer some suggestions for Newborn Baby version 2.0 (release date not yet confirmed).

1. Burping:  I’ve noticed that although NB babies are perfectly able to fart at will, they require manual intervention to burp.  As any user will attest, this takes an enormous amount of start up time, and sometimes the baby just hangs and will not proceed until said burp is released. This is particularly annoying at 3 in the morning.  A self-burping auto-run function would save time and increase productivity.

2. Neck control:  It doesn’t exist in newborns.  This is obviously a bug in the design.  No neck control means the baby can only be operated with two hands, making multi-tasking v difficult.  More robust neck control should ship with standard model babies.

3. No F1 (Help) key / F1 key disabled:  NB Baby does not ship with any F1/Help key or user manual.  Makes trouble shooting v difficult.  At the very least they should come with a set of FAQ’s. 

4. Accessories:  NB Babies do not scale well.  Any upsizing requires often costly new accessories.  Not sure how to address this issue.  All I know is that I am sitting with plenty hardly used NB accessories that are now redundant. 

5. Shut down / ‘sleep’ mode:  This often fails.  The baby keeps rebooting itself.  Some times all night.  This obviously causes user fatigue.  Is there an override switch?  I’ve tried alt-ctrl-del and nothing works.

6. Communication errors:  NB Babies operate in a language that is highly difficult to decode, especially for first time users.  Redesign and decoding is required.  Do you offer easier to operate models in a more common language?

7. Repetitive programming:  NB Baby v1.0 does not offer much variety other than sleep (if you are lucky), eat, cry and poop, offering v basic interaction.  Could lead to user frustration.  Will version 2.0 offer any additional functionality?

8. Noxious emissions:  Have studies been done on the toxicity of the various emissions emanating from the baby?  Both forward and rear projections seem to be potentially hazardous to the user, based on smell alone.

9. User friendliness:  In summary, although the GUI (graphical user interface) is v attractive, I can’t help but mention how user-unfriendly the whole package is.  Not only is it v expensive, it is noisy, messy, time consuming and is v susceptible to bugs and viruses.  Buyer beware.  This purchase is a lifetime commitment.  The packaging should contain appropriate warnings.  I also question your no refund / returns policy.

However, I have heard that in spite of the above caution, most owners report high levels of satisfaction, are extremely loyal to their purchase, and so far there have been very few returns.  Apparently the product does get easier to operate.

I’ve heard that some of these design errors have been addressed in the upgrade path to Baby 3-6m.  This user still has to upgrade.

I look forward to your reply.

Yours sincerely,
New User

Comments

[sarah]

HA HA HAHAHAHA. This is delightful.

I recently wrote a post of my own questioning the functioning of Baby 8 Months. You can find it

[Lisa]

I don't know how you find time to type, let alone think of these brilliant posts. Very clever, Tertia, you are very talented.

[sarah]

Oops. I tried to include a link to my blog, which obviously didn't work. Probably too early in the morning.

It is here
http://silentqueuedesign.com/babyblog/index.php?p=170

if anyone is interested.

Take care, Tertia. The fact that your sense of humor is still funtioning indicates that you are well on your way to surviving the NB stage.

[Katrin]

That was such a fantastic post to read.

Very clever!

Katrin

[Scully]

You've put a bit of thought into this whole childrearing thing, haven't you?

[Stacey]

Scratch the neck control off the list, some babies are born able to hold their head up (version 1.5 maybe?)

[The Good Rachel]

Love Love LOVE it!! This is too good!

You are not just divine, but so clever as well!

[Kinneret]

Thank you for the morning giggle!! V v much needed :)

[Mollie]

Oh, T. You are such a wanker. And a nerd.

I love you, funny gal.

[Julie]

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

I personally would like to request that the next version include a handy cup-holder.

[Jody]

My addendum:

Prematurely delivered models seem to suffer unfavorably long lags in the delivery of key auto upgrade features. Other model owners were reporting that their 12-week old models had run the auto upgrade that resulted in increased feedback to user: cooing, smiling, and showing clear signs of recognizing the primary users. My prematurely-delivered models remained in a cycling newborn mode vis-a-vis user interaction, and it made the performance of the required daily maintenance procedures very difficult.

When my models reached their adjusted upgrade delivery date and began to provide positive user feedback at regular and irregular intervals, I found the performance of needed maintenance got much easier. Perhaps future models could be delivered at a later date, to avoid this lag time in the upgrade delivery window?

[wix]

ha! brilliant!

[Lori]

Hahaha! How funny! And SO true! I agree w/Lisa...how in the world do you find time to post such clever things? I couldn't even find the time to shower w/a newborn...let alone two! LOL!

[RS]

That's the funniest thing I have read in a while.

[Terri]

Very funny T. You are indeed a witty one!

[Wash Lady]

Tertia,
I wonder if you are able to see the transformation that is occuring within yourself? I don't think I'm the only one witnessing it.
Sure - it is still v. hard, but it doesn't appear to be debilitating anymore.
I'm admiring your passion and your zest for loving and caring for your precious children.

[Charmaine]

ROTFLMAO - Brilliant :)

[sarasponda]

Where is the CTRL+ALT+DELETE? I've tried various likely combinations (belly button, nose and right nipple/left nipple) but haven't found the right combination that allows access to the control panel OR task manager!

"keeps rebooting itself" just about cried at that one. Ooh my.

[Jennifer]

Your best entry ever, Tertia! "Baby keeps rebooting itself". I'm looking at my 6-week-old now and laughing SO hard.

[Kathleen]

Can you believe the owner loyalty that these products generate? Whoever designed that aspect of the product is a genius!

[Jo]

Genius. Pure unadulterated genius.

[Egg Donor]

Not to be snarky, but aren't you and Marko technically the manufacturers? ;)

[Sara]

A further addition:

NB Baby seems to have a tendency to cause damage to its shipping container. After delivery and unpacking, the shipping container was found to have a number of unsightly scuff marks on it, and in places the packing material refused to return to its original position. Since users are advised to keep all shipping materials around ready for re-use, it would be advisable to develop a more sturdy containment device.

[Katy]

Well, if the newer models came with better features, I might be tempted to have another. As it is, having survived the early months of 2 NB's (at different times), I'm ready to move on.
Very cute post. Glad that sleep deprivation hasn't totally killed your sense of humor...that means that there's hope!

[Katie]

I almost peed myself reading this post! You should stick a warning label on it : Warning following post might cause pant wetting. You crack me up big time.

[Deb]

ermmmm, Let me just say this, you smart lady have impecably bad timing. Giggles. I come here after over 30 hours straight trying to rid my computer a virus and get a baby geared thing that sounds like you got a virus in your wee models. I am ordering (hopefully)PCcillin tomorrow God willing. I will send you a boot leg copy.

And Your blooming into a very happy lady. Nice to see. I knew you would get there soon. You were fighting too hard to not let it take you over.

[nadia]

ha-ha, brilliant Tertia!

[Bee]

Whahaha - DEFINITELY become easier in later months. But then again, the problems change. Nature of the 'beast' so to speak is that just when you think you've mastered them, something else crops up. Fun fun fun. You are doing SO well my friend. Lovely post. Love you madly. Will visit before the twins are 7 years old. Promise.

[Sarah]

Tertia (how is your named pronounced?) I've been saying (in my head) Ter-Sha.

This post is fabulous! My husband, a major techie, loved it.

Sarah

[cursingmama]

Very clever - and so very true...
You did miss one malfunction on the male model, the one where the shoot their owner in the eye with frighenting regularity when exposed to air; that should also be addressed in a redesign.

[Kim]

Hey I am with egg donor. The manufacturer is apparently complaining about its own product. Perhaps if you put them through some focus groups. I am happy to volunteer to test drive these models as they are well turned out.

[Moxie]

Excellent post.

I remember the first time El Chico burped all by himself--I was overjoyed. Now I wish I could get him to stop. Your day will come, too.

[lorrie]

I am working on an absorbent sponge to be installed directly under the nostrils to catch the various noxious nostril emissions without the necessity of wiping a screaming baby's face. I think I will probably make as much as Bill Gates.

[Jenn in AK]

That was great, Tertia! Baby 3-6m gets a little more interactive and the sleep function seems to engage a bit more easily.

Baby 6-9m is quite fun and you can load new programs (smiling, peek-s-boo are favorites).

Baby 9-12m involves mobiliztion - watch out! This version can get out of sight easily and also likes to try to load own programs, many which can lead to error message and require user intervention. Floors kept free of bug laden programs are helpful.

Jenn

[Julia S]

I bow.

[shirley williams-webster]

tertia, you are a genius!!! truely the best read i have had in a very long time - dare i say 'ever'.......