« A bit of honesty | Main | Tired »

Comments

Feed You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.

Tertia, I didn't get to comment earlier, but I just wanted to let you know that you are doing GREAT!

It's difficult to know what to expect out of parenthood the first few months/years. Yes, you wanted to be a mother. You *are* a mother now. The details of what was to come were in a fog that you didn't (and don't) know how you are going to navigate through it.

There will be bumps in the road. Take them in stride. Get help when you need it, keep yourself healthy, and always do the best that you can.

Your babies will always remember the love that you have for them.

Nicole

Yes, you need to accept those offers. Personally, I can't wait to look after those gorgeous babes.

There is no bigger draw then new babies :-) You could work this but good! My sister has three, and i always held them and cared for them as much as she'd let me :-)

ABSOLUTELY TAKE THE HELP!!!!! TAKE IT!!!! Once the babies are older you'll have more of a routine and it will be easier. Until then TAKE THE HELP!!! And all moms love to be needed by their babies - I'm sure your mom would love to be needed by you right now.

Hi Tertia,

I could have written your post. My son is 17 months old. He was full term. I had a C-Section and my incision opened up. I had nurses coming to take care of me 2 times a day for 5 weeks. No fun.

I had absolutely no fun. It was horrible. He didn't take to nursing so I was pumping and bottle feeding him. It was horrible. I pumped for 9 weeks. It was horrible. Am I repeating myself?

I felt so guilty all of the time...I wanted to sleep or shower or run away. I wanted someone else to hold the baby to give me a break. I felt horrible.

Part of it is hormones. The rest is that we are expecting that vision of loveliness that we imagine is motherhood.

The best thing about this blogging community is that you can get the truth! We owe it to each other as women to tell the truth to each other.

It took me a long time to start to enjoy being a mother and somedays I don't. I'd love my old life back. I really, really disliked that entire newborn scene. Probably up until at least 4 months. I need interaction and "feedback".

Now that my son is older, we have a great time. Motherhood is very, very trying but also very rewarding.

Listen to these ladies...ask for help. Take it when it's offered to you and don't feel guilty!!!

Take care...I'm so happy for you.

Smiles to Adam and Kate!

Never underestimate the power of whacked-out hormones and sleep deprivation to bring you to your knees. Even without those two bitches undermining your physical and mental equilibrium, just taking care of two of the tiniest and most helpless beings you have ever unconditionally loved is supremely daunting. It's not you; this = v v hard. You will get through it.

Most of us who have been fortunate enough to experience this overwhelming first three months only had one infant to deal with. Maybe someone already suggested this, but perhaps a local "mothers of multiples" group might have some special tricks or tips to help you.

Yes accept those offers of help! People who aren't comfortable around babies can help, too--they can cook, clean, do laundry, run errands and so on.

It is so hard, even with just one, but it will get better. It absolutely will. You're doing a fab job too.

I cried every day for ..um... never mind how long after my twins were born. In fact, i went to my first Moms of twins club meeting and cried there too. I never thought I was a good mom and always felt like one baby was getting the short end of the stick. Hang in there though because it really does get better--I promise the water does start to feel warmer. In fact I predict that in, oh a year, all your friends will think you supermom.
hugs and congrats on two beautiful babies!

I know it's hard to let someone else help with the babies. No one can do it like their mother can! But do try to sleep when they do.

I meant to comment on your earlier post, but got sidetracked by work (damn job interrupting blog-reading!).

Just like you can be sad for missing Ben and happy for having Adam and Kate at the same time - you can be frustrated with being the mother of newborn twins and grateful to have them simultaneously. No rule that says you can only feel one emotion. In fact it is the dueling emotions that make us better people (and better moms). If you were only presenting the positive side of new motherhood (which is a very small side to begin with) I would be concerned.

This too shall pass.

Are you kidding? I think I would have to puke if you weren't stressed out! AND didn't get stretch marks! One or the other lady! I would have to stop reading your blog if you said everything was perfection- sweetness and light- yuck. Not that I don't want you to be happy. I just want you to be real, like you always have been.

The best present my husband and I received after the birth of our second was a massive lasagna with salad, buns, and dessert. We ate it for 3 days and kept telling each other how fantastic that we didn't have to worry about food.

Tell people to bring meals!!

No need for guilt, others will be more than happy to help you out. Oh yes, that last comment reminded me of the gifts of food people dropped off when the girls were born. Heavenly. Be good to yourself!

Oh, please, accept any and all offers of help. And please don't feel at all guilty for letting someone else take care of your babies for a while. Believe me, in the end, you will no doubt log by far the most hours with them, and they will know you are their one and only mother. And also don't worry about one getting more attention than the other. BELIEVE ME, that will all even out in the end. One might be more needy now, and for the next two months, and then the other will be needier in the following two months. You might even find yourself kind of liking one more than the other (luckily DH and I always found ourselves favoring different twins, so it kind of evened out), but don't feel guilty, that will change, too.

I was never good about sleeping when they slept. But at least shower when they sleep. And don't dilly-dally. The SECOND they are both asleep, RUN to the shower, before they have a chance to wake up. I definitely only showered every other day on average, I was so disgusting. But being clean is almost as refreshing as having sleep.

Hi Tertia,
Just delurking to say that I think you are doing an INCREDIBLE job mothering those two little ones.
Twins are an insane amount of work, let alone premie twins. Anyone who even insinuates that you got what you asked for is an idiot.
Hang in there it's bound to get easier as they get bigger.
Hugs,
Jessica

The best bit of advice I got in the early weeks was never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down and never do anything that you can get someone else to do for you.
This bit right now is the worst, but like Kate's bowel movement, this too will pass. Eventually you'll look back on this time and it will have passed. I always found that the good times started with the first smile from the babies. It's amazing how a little bit of positive reinforcement (even if it's from a gummy smile) can improve the way we feel. Little babies take and take and take without giving...up until that first smile.
Thinking of you lots and lots - believe it or not you are doing a great job!

Tertia, I am so grateful to you for your honesty. You are as entitled to the complaints, and the conflicted emotions, as any other mother--maybe twice as entitled, what with having two. Motherhood is no less overwhelming for having been infertile.

--Bugs

Tertia: I didn't comment before but I wanted to say that I think you're doing great and you're not feeling anything any other Mother hasn't experienced before. Sometimes you just have to take it hour by hour (heck minute by minute). My advice is to accept and/or DEMAND help from your hubby, Mom, anyone who will give it and then hold on to the promise of that little break as if your life depended on it when times get tough. Always knowing that I was going to get that tiny break: a nap, a shower, 10 minutes to pick up a magazine or mindlessly watch TV, got me through the sleepless nights, gas, constipation and crying jags of those early days.

Hang in there, it WILL get easier! And keep VENTING. Venting is v. v. good. (as you would say)

:)

Hi Tertia,

Man, you are doing better emotionally than I am, and you have TWO newborns and I am still just pregnant! You have had ALOT to deal with, in a very short amount of time. You say you think you're a bad mother. You know in your heart that you're not. If someone came up to you and said, "Tertia, you are a terrible mother!" I think you'd probably deck them in the face! Kate and Adam are getting exactly what they need. A loving home. So they cry a little extra. They can deal with it. It is ok for a baby to cry. Sometimes they just need to, you know? My little niece cried all the time the first year of her life. We were all starting to wonder about her. Now she is the happiest little one and a half year old you'd ever meet. So keep the faith. I have so many emotions going through me right now, and I haven't even had Lucy yet. So I can only imagine how you are feeling..

Geez, woman, give yourself a break. And if people expect it to be wine and roses for you all the time, or that you should be happy and gung-ho about your newborn twins every minute of the day, maybe THEY need a reality check. Trust me, it's ok to feel sad, lonely, angry, whatever other feelings you might feel. But in the end you are all together, and you WILL make it through!
:)

-Rachel
Lucy, 34 weeks

Yes, accept those offers of help. I let my clueless in-laws help out after just 2 weeks of fighting it...at that point, I needed sleep and they were willing to come here 3 afternoons a week and take care of their first grandkids. It was good for me and it was good for them and it was good for the boys...if you are refreshed you can handle the hard times better when you have had a little break. This will all be a distant memory in a couple of months...i literally used to tell myself every morning "just make it thru today"...that was my only goal, almost like an alcoholic or drug addict. And before I knew it they were 6 months old and more fun than I ever dreamed possible. Hang in there.

The best advantage you can give your babies is a happy mom. Happy probably seems like a tall order right about now, but never feel guilty for taking some time for yourself. You need to.

If you feel the need to, you might think about leaving the house for two hours (nanny can handle bottles and diapers without you for two hours) to buy a couple new clothing items. Maybe a bigger size than pre-pregnancy, but not maternity clothes. It made me feel better when I did it at about the 4-week point.

More important than shopping is sleeping, or at the very least, lying down in a quiet room with nobody bothering you for a little while. I had a hard time napping even when sleep-deprived, but once my mom sent me to my room to lie down. Another time a neighbor came over to supervise my baby while I took a shower. Just ask the nanny, Marko, and your mom to remind you to take naps and showers--if someone else tells you to do it, maybe you'll feel less guilty about taking time for yourself.

:) I promise you that is the very first smiley face thing I have ever done. I just figured out how you guys do it. Just for you.

You are doing awesome! Do what ever it is you have to do to keep your sanity. You have tow beautiful babies, but after days of no sleep and babies crying everywhere, even super mom, has a meltdown..

Tertia, I'm not sure if anyone else had said this yet, but you EARNED the right to complain. Those women who got knocked up shagging their husbands in bed? They didn't earn it - if ANYONE has the right to complain its the women who went through hell to get where you are.

(except of course we all knoe that EVERYONE is allowed to complain, just us unfertiles have the moral high ground on it ;p )

Yep - welcome to normal! This is what it's like - the first few weeks are a blur! I remember with my first, thinking about my first "good" day. I had showered, dried my hair, brushed my teeth, made my bed, dressed him in something not covered in spit - and it was 2:30 p.m.! It only took me 7 hours to do that! With my second, by the time she was 3 weeks, we were out the door at 8:30 a.m., everyone dressed neatly, fed, and speaking English! It does get better - by the time they are 6-8 months old, you'll be laughing about the "good old days" - and you'll be such a pro that no one would ever guess you were drowning in it like the rest of us.

Take the offers of help - sometimes people say they want to help, but they don't know what to do, or they have no experience w/babes, etc. So fine - have them bring dinner, go to the grocery store for you, fold laundry, vacuum, etc. They don't have to spend the whole day - an hour or two is fine. And in a few weeks, it will start to get easier - in the meantime, give yourself permission to just recover, and to just "be" - sounds silly, but just a little time to just veg, read a book, check up on blogs - 2-3 times a week - might be all you need to keep you sane!

And venting - always good. Good luck!

I didn't comment earlier, but just had to now. Your post brought back all memories of my oldest child's first three months. My daughter cried non-stop several hours a day and so did I! No one tells you what its really feels like with a new baby, I guess it is impossible to describe it. We want motherhood, but not sleep deprivation, hormones, colic and crying, and that feeling that you must be a bad mother or the baby would be happy and content and sleep and eat like they are supposed to. HA. Take all the help you can get. I wish I were close enough to offer myself. Get Marko and the nanny to take the babies for an hour tonight, while you shower and have that glass of wine. Your not pumping and feeding breastmilk, right?

I'm sure a dozen bazillion people have mentioned this, but my son had trouble with constipation and gas when he went to formula.

We found that as soon as we switched him to low iron formula he was just fine. Kate may be having a problem processing all the iron in her formula, causing her constipation. Ask the ped. Good luck. We're pulling for you over in America. :-)

Karen

Since the comments on your last post was upwards of 170, I don;t want to add another there for fear it would not be seen.

Anyhoo, I am sure what I have to say has been said already but if I may add. I think every infretile or shit, every mother whether it's her first or 5th feels the way you do and they probably only have a singleton.

I know when my Littles was born I went into a deep tailspin of post partum depression. Feeling so guilty, useless, unworthy, ungrateful....constantly crying...I had to seek out help and I did. Can you call your OB and ask for a referral for a therapist? It's never to early or too late to discuss how you feel. Or, at least find out from a pro that IT IS OKAY TO FEEL THE WAY YOU DO. Can you please try, because I fear you have more than baby blues. The sooner you get help for YOU and not just help in caring for your babes the better.

I lurve you lady and Adam looks so much like you. your babes are beautiful and did you just expect not to bleed and not to have a lumpy and loose baby belly just weeks after twins? silly, silly lady.

Good for you better to accept help than slide into a depression from being totally exhausted and trying to be "supermum" your babies need a happy healthy Mum not a "perfect" one

Oh Girl! You are not alone! I am a perfectionist with a capital "C"!! Just imagine how my world was turned upside down in the first few months of my daughters life. You can not live your life like you did before the babies and don't even try! That is what will make you crazy!! Who cares if you are not able to get a shower. Adam and Kate have no idea that your hair is not styled nor do they care! As the weeks go by it will get easier and easier, especially if your able to get a routine going. I'm not sure that this is possible with two or not. You will still feel like every time you turn around your feeding, changing, burping etc., but this normal.

You are doing an excellent job!! There are going to be days that you will want to throw in the towel, then you will look into those incredible little faces and that feeling will wash away. Hang in there! Just wait... in a few months you will say to yourself where the hell has the last 4 months gone?!? I know I did!!

No matter how other parents try and explain the trials of motherhood, you just never fully comprehend the enormous task until you are living and breathing it! My daughter rarely slept and screamed when she was awake. She is 3 now and I can't believe it was that bad in the beginning. We wil be telling her all about it when she's older. We have video to prove it.

Please remember this also... you have a great sense of humor and that will get you through this if you keep it.

BTW! My gosh are they just beautiful or what?!?!?

Tertia:

I had a perfectly normal delivery (and a relatively normal pregnancy, and I wasn't infertile), and I still felt overwhelmed beyond belief in the month's after both of my children's birth (The only difference the second time around was that I knew I was going to be overwhelmed, and that I'd need help). I could repeat the perosn who said "It was Horrible" it was horrible (Oh, and am I repeating myself). And everything went swimmingly for me.

When I read yesterday's post, my only thought was that I love you for being so honest.

bj

S***, that was suspose to be a capital "P"! DUH!!!

You know what Tertia, you are going to be so fine, I'm not even worried about you. All the shit you've been through and survived...you're going to survive this and kick ass!

take all those efforts of help. the way i looked at it is, it took a team of professionals to get you pregnant, so you're used to help. you deserve a team of people to help you through these first few weeks.

have a good sleep.

Two quotes that saved my life during the early sleep-deprived months/years:

1) This too, shall pass.

2) What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

To add to others - ask your doctor about the low iron formula with regard to Kate's constipation - it made a big difference to my son as well!

Tertia - let me just add to what everyone else has said! First of all, you feel how you feel - being a new mom is HARD, and from what my mom-to-twins friends have told me, have TWO is REALLY REALLY hard! I have not suffered any of what you suffered, and I spent that first month or so bouncing between the awe and amazement, and the feeling that perhaps I had made a horrible, horrible mistake. It passes. :) Anyone who can't give you room to feel all the wonderful, hard, scary, overwhelmed, sad, happy etc. feelings that you're having, well...boot them! Accept the help! People *want* to give it, and you do need it! It does get easier and it does get better.

Tertia,

You are doing a fantastic job. As everyone else said, being a mom to one is hard! I honestly can't say I would have made it through two.

My only sugestion (other than to wait for the passage of time) is to get a sling. Or Two. I like the ring slings best (Maya Wrap, etc.). They take some getting used to but it is just heaven once you make it work. I know twin moms that manage to sling two babies at once but even if you can only get one in the sling, at least you could still be holding the other one at the same time.

You will get through it and you will come to love it. Do be careful though. PPD is soooo common and so misunderstood. You're at highr risk with twins, and higher risk being unable to breatfeed. So if you feel like you need help of a medicinal sort, talk to your dr. sooner than later. Take all the people help you can get!

Good girl!

Tertia, you are SO normal! Every person I know who has brought their baby home from the hospital had first days/weeks and sometimes months feeling just like what you described.

I always said I couldn't imagine TWO babies to care for at those very beginning stages. You are doing great and are very normal in the emotions you are experiencing. Absolutely do NOT feel guilty for having help. I know exactly how you feel in that as I had to have extra help when my second baby was born after almost dying from a hemorrhage and experiencing an emergency hysterectomy and 7 blood transfusions. It was very hard for me to have someone else caring for my baby. I cried a lot and was depressed. I finally learned to accept it and be thankful for it. My baby girl is just fine and we are very bonded in spite of momentary times of being separated during that trauma. It doesn't seem to have affected her at all.

All that to say, your babies will benefit greatly from having a well-rested mother if you can get some help and do some napping! And by the same token, you will certainly enjoy your moments with them more if you are as well rested as you can be (but you probably won't ever feel completely rest, FYI).

Take care and enjoy. Adam and Kate are gorgeous!

Hi Girl,

I wont even ask how it is going, as I can see that it is still going a bit hectic.
Just wanted to say hi, and that you must hang in there. Help is always just a phone call away. Your mum is the greatest, always ready, willing and able. Thinking of you guys always.
My tests came back, all 100%, is = to a 15year old pregnancy doctor says, so I'm happy.
Lots of love, me

Tertia, a lot of the reason these babies make you feel a bit overwhelmed, is because the whole fertility process was long and uncertain. Yes, it was successful for both of us (my twins are 13 years old now) but the going was rough at times. Add to that your Ben and my Joshua, who we only got to see, not keep. Just because we got our kids the way we did doesn't mean we aren't happy and thankful, but it was no cakewalk! Let the house go to hell, if you aren't taking care of Tertia, Kate and Adam won't be happy either! The best thing you can do right now is ask for help, company, advice, whatever you feel you need. People LOVE providing these things, it's just that after an assisted pregnancy, especially those of us blessed enough to be given twins, feel like we've had all the help we dare ask for! Twins are rough at first, but every day it becomes easier.Trust me! High school is the next hurdle for me...but I couldn't go back to the newborn stage.
Oh yes, don't fret too much over routines, the babies change their own routines about every 6 weeks anyhow!
Bless you, Sweetie. I'm here for you xxx

> Onwards and forwards we swim.

isn't that what one sperm said to the other, right before they got all jacked up? =)

Whenever there no food in the house - give me a shout (i deliver)

x

{{{hugs}}} Get help, and take a break, even if it's just to go out and grab a lunch or something.

The first few weeks can be very rough - it's worse because of the lack of sleep - but it does improve!

I didn't get a chance to comment on your last post either, but I've been thinking about you.

Tertia, you sound so very NORMAL, so much a MOTHER. A loving, caring, devoted, and perfectly normally overwhelmed new mother, with the added complication of preemie twins to keep life interesting. Those first few weeks, ok months, are damn tough even with one, let alone two babies. It's OKAY to feel overwhelmed/frustrated/wrung out/just plain shattered. You, Marko, Kate and Adam will find your groove, but it will take time.

In the meantime, if I dare offer some assvice, my aunt gave me the very best advice I ever got - throw all the books away and try not to drop them on their heads. If you can manage not to drop them (at least not too hard anyway), then the rest will all work itself out. Forget all the "shoulds" from the baby books, real life as you already know is infinitely messier than that. Focus on the big stuff, i.e. not dropping them on their heads, and you've got the battle won. I don't know anything about feeding preemies, obviously you need to go with your ped on that one, but for the rest of it try not to over-obsess on that airbrushed picture of what *should* be happening and just do the best you can each day. It's all anyone can do, and it's all your children need. They don't need perfect, all they need is YOU, with all your warts and flaws (though of course being gorgeous and divine you don't have nearly enough).

Some days will be great. Others will suck. Badly. Each day is a fresh start though, and a chance to screw up your kids in all sorts of new and different ways. (I heard a great song once called The Therapy Fund. Every time the mom screwed up, she just waved it off and tossed a quarter in a jar for the therapy her kids would inevitably end up needing down the line to recover from having her as a mother LOL.)

Tertia... haven't checked in on you in a while... my life is keeping me busy! Anyway, as one twin mommy to another all I can tell you is that it gets better!Note I didn't say easier... because I want to be truthful... when it gets easier in one way it will get more tricky in another. i'm saying this from the frontlines my friend as my twins are almost 8 mos. old (6 mos cor age. But while the first months are v v v hard, what you gain from them is self confidence... every so often I amaze myself in the juggling act of my life and just have to say "damn i'm good"!! Before you know it you will be in that place, too! And you have my utmost respect because becoming a mom(yes it is a process not an event) is challenging enough with one baby!Hang in there like i said, it'll get better!!! kristin

The best thing anyone gave me straight after my first was born was a book called "How not to be the perfect mother" by Libby Purves (English author). Quite the best thing I read about parenting. Its main precepts were: no-one can do better than their best; you don't have to be a perfect mother, only a good-enough one; and happy/healthy mums make happy babies.

"Adjust your own mask before helping others". Easy for me to say now that mine are 7, 9 and 11 though. I remember all too well not doing anything for myself for about four years.

Hang in there, you're doing averything fine.

The comments to this entry are closed.

Adgator



  • Medsitters Au pairs

More Ads


| More

Alltop



Bloggy Stuff


  • Living and Loving


  • SA Blog Awards Badge




  • Featured in Alltop


  • Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape


  • RSS Feed
Blog powered by Typepad
This is the Reviews Design