So Close

Sleeping Around

So, dear friends in the computer, your collective words of wisdom please.

This issue of sleeping.  What to do?

I would love my children to sleep in their own beds.  Preferably all night without waking up, but ok, I will temper my fantasies with a dose of reality.  In their own beds, asleep some of the night will suffice for now.

My grand plan was to let the babies sleep in their (incredibly cute, costs a lot of money) bassinettes in my room for the first three months and then transfer them into their own (expensive, brand spanking new, fancy) beds, in their own (beautifully decorated, all set up) room.

So far they have spent a total of about five minutes in their bassinettes and the remaining time in my bed.  Or to be more precise, Kate in the crook of my arms and Adam on my chest until they fall asleep and then spread eagled in the middle of the bed while Marko and I hang precariously off the edges on either side.

I don’t want them in my bed permanently, BUT sleep is premium and when it comes to the middle of the night it is easier to put them in my bed than to try and get them to sleep in their bassinettes.  And I think it is too early to let them cry it out.  Or is it?

Am I making a horrible mistake by letting them in my bed?  Can you form a habit within the first six weeks?  Should I just let them cry themselves to sleep?  That doesn’t feel right, they are still so little.  And yet, they seem to have definite preferences already (i.e. my bed / chest / arms).  I would like to keep the marital bed down to two occupants, preferably Marko and myself.

When can I / should I start training them to sleep in their own bed? 

The not so fun parts

12:40 am.

Kate wide-awake.  Been awake since last feed.  Just made a massive poop (that’s the good bit), changed her nappy, then did a follow on poop in clean nappy.  Change nappy again.  Wont go sleep, only wants to be in my arms.  Keeps moaning.  I have puke down the front of my PJ’s.  Adam didn’t drink his bottle.  I couldn’t get the burp up and because Kate was moaning I just put Adam down (on his fathers chest) burp stuck and all.  Which means he will wake up hungry in an hour.

I also know that when I eventually get her to sleep, he will wake up and have his awake time.

This is the not so fun part.

My kingdom for some sleep.

I am looking at Kate’s face, willing her to sleep.  All I see are these two ginormous eyes looking back at me.  She’s lucky I love her so much as she is perilously close to be returned for my money back, or at least a better behaved model.  This one leaks, squeaks and moans.

Poor Bella’s Mommie

I almost feel sorry for Bella’s mommy now.  Well as sorry as I feel for Bella.  But she must be ruing the day she decided to mail me.

I actually found her mail quite amusing.  Stuff like that does not upset me in the least.  I know its coming form a place of ignorance and prejudice, and so I take it with a huge dollop of salt.

I posted her email address so that you could see it was a legit email and not something I made up myself.  Perhaps I shouldn’t have posted her email address but hey, if she feels that strongly about her opinion she should be able to defend it, right?

I didn’t even bother replying to her, it really is not worth the effort.  That’s her opinion, she is welcome to it. 

I like me.  If she doesn’t like me, well that’s her problem isn’t it? 

Gold Star

Lest you think I am the Worlds Worst (most ungrateful) Mother, I thought I would post a ‘happy’ post.

The babes are doing really well and have picked up an amazing amount of weight.

Kate now weighs 3.3kg / 7.28 lb (discharge weight 2.64kg’s) and Adam 3,4kg / 7.50 lb (discharge weight a week ago 2.98 kg). That's a weight gain of about 0.88 pounds per week, good huh?

The Dr was very funny.  He said “where is that anal chart book of yours”, so I whipped it out and he stuck in one of those temporary tattoos that he keeps for the kids (a cherry was the closest thing he had to a star).

So the feeding thing has been working.  It was nice to hear that the babies are thriving and doing well.  Made me a feel quite a bit better.

Things are going SLIGHTLY easier, I am learning how each baby feeds, how to burp Adam and I am also trying my best not to get stressed out about the lack of sleep.

So, contrary to the belief expressed by the delightful emailer below, I don’t seem to be the Worlds Worst Mother.

[email protected] 01/25/2005 02:08 AM

To
Tertia Albertyn/scs/Linernet@Scs
cc

Subject

WHAT A HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING YOU ARE- YOU DO NOT DESERVE CHILDREN!

THERE'S A PLACE IN HELL FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU.

PS  Pls forgive me you've emailed me and I haven't emailed you back.  I promise I read and appreciate every single email (well besided the one mentioned above), I just haven't had time to respond to all of them. 

Biological amnesia

Every person I ask about the first six weeks / few months says “I remember it was hard but to be honest it’s all a bit hazy”.  I’m convinced that Mother Nature deliberately causes this type of amnesia.  Otherwise every one would only ever have one child.

You know what’s hardest about this first bit, is that all you want to do is love them and make them happy.  You want to say to them ‘don’t cry my darling baby, just tell me what you want and I will gladly do it for you’. 

It is a definite design error, that these little things aren’t born with a simple, menu driven graphical user interface.  Point and click. 

Although I am beginning to understand a bit about what they are trying to say.  And unfortunately at night they seem to be saying “hold me mommy, I don’t want to lie in my bed, its boring there.  Rather hold me and I will fall asleep in your arms (but don’t try and put me down in my bed, cos I will know and wake up screaming).  I don’t care if you only have two arms and two babies, I need to be held by you.  What?  You are tired and its nighttime?  I don’t care.  I slept that whole day, I am awake now and I want to be held.” 

Last night, they cried from one feed to the next (3 hours).  I was sitting up right in bed, yoga style, Adam in my arms, Kate on my lap, rocking them.  Every time I tried to put them down to sleep they cried.

And today they have been sleeping beautifully the whole day.  Guess what we will be doing tonight…….

My little angels.  I do love them dearly.

Tired

V v tired.

No sleep. 

Tried to go out to an appointment today.  Babies cried so much in the car that I turned around, came home and cancelled appointment. 

Swimming slowly but managing to stay afloat, thank god for water wings.

Thank you

Thank you for allowing me to let my emotions out, and for making me feel ok about not being ok.  Thank you for your support, encouragement and advice.

I need to start accepting offers of help more.  I need to not feel guilty about letting some one else look after the babies every once in a while.  And I need to sleep when they sleep. 

I know we will be fine, and that we will get through this.  It’s just hard, that’s all.

Onwards and forwards we swim.

A bit of honesty

I can try and pretend its all honey and roses and how obliviously happy I am.  I could wrack my brain to write scintillatingly funny posts full of wit about how grand motherhood is.

Or could I be honest. 

I started this blog as an outlet for my emotions and thoughts while battling with infertility. And it helped to be honest.  It was very therapeutic to get it out by writing it down, and sharing it made me feel less alone.  I think I need to do the same with motherhood. 

There is an expectation, after infertility, that once the baby/babies arrive, nirvana is finally achieved and happiness and joy abound.  Airbrushed pictures of the mother and long awaited child are bathed in soft rose tinted lighting.  The mother is rested and at peace.  The child in the mother’s arms is healthy, happy, and NOT CRYING.

There is also an expectation, mostly on the part of every one else, that the new mother should be so enormously grateful to have finally achieved their dream that no complaints or moans should pass the lips of the new mother.  You have to suck it all up because after all ‘you wanted this’ and ‘this is what you fought for, for so long’.

Then there is the unspoken admonishment of your fellow infertiles to present the good side, not to complain, because they would gladly, completely embrace any thing you might complain about in order to have a child.

YOU UNGRATEFUL THING, YOU HAVE A CHILD, HOW DARE YOU COMPLAIN.

And yet.  It’s fucking hard.  This new motherhood thing. The pressure to cope without complaining, to be grateful and happy.  And all of this on little or no sleep. 

How dare I complain?  I have what I fought for, for so long and so hard.  And other people cope with far less help than I have. 

Well let me tell you, I am not having a fun time.  I love my children, v v much.  I am eternally grateful to have finally got my children, but it is over whelming.  It is scary.  It makes me want to cry.  I feel helpless, I feel totally incompetent.

I have no food in my house.  I have not eaten a meal in days.  I look revolting.  I feel revolting.  I have a runny tummy, I am still bleeding clotty blood.  My boobs look ugly, my tummy still looks huge.  I feel drained, I feel empty.  All I want to do is have a glass of wine and tune out for a while.

(oh THANK GOD they have both just fallen asleep while I push the stroller with my one foot while typing).

Kate is still constipated and straining.  It makes her fretful and she wont sleep.  Which means she is up in my arms all the time.  My heart breaks for her.  I feel like the worst mother in the world because I can’t fix her pain.  Poor Adam gets sidelined because I can’t hold more than one baby at once.  Again, what a horrible mother am I! 

My mother came over this afternoon to help with a feed and I went into the bathroom and cried.

I wanted twins, I am happy I have two babies, I love my babies v v much, but its hard hard work.  One baby you can hold all the time.  You can't with two or more.

I sit with Adam, trying to get a burp out.  I can see it is hurting him and I can’t get it out.  My poor son, his mother can’t help him.  I rush Kate’s feed because I can hear Adam crying.  Instead of getting 100% attention and love, my babies have to share and get away with less.  That feels so wrong.

The enormous pressure to make sure they drink enough.  I have to force them to feed, I have to make them uncomfortable while feeding so that they don’t fall asleep.  I wipe their little faces with a cold cloth.  I feel like the feeding nazi.  When other people feed them I find myself shouting ‘don’t comfort them!  They are going to fall asleep!’  How horrible of me.  Force-feeding them.  Shoving bottles down their throat.  When all I want to do is hug them, cuddle them and hold them.  Instead I force feed them and then pray they sleep afterwards.  What kind of a mother am I?

I would do any thing to ensure they are happy.  And yet sometimes I can’t fix it.  Sometimes no matter how much I love them, they still cry.  And that breaks my heart. 

And yet every one wants me to be happy.  I feel like I am letting every one down by my tears.  This is what I wanted, why am I feeling so tearful? 

And after taking over an hour to feed, burp and change the babies, their next feed is an hour away.  I still have to wash their bottles, try and find something to eat for myself, prepare the bottle for the night, shower…..  They say nap when the babies nap.  How do you do that with two?

I love my babies fiercely, completely.  How dare I say that I am not having fun?  That this way harder than I ever expected?  And yet I am not allowed to complain.  When I do say how hard it is, people say ‘but this is what you wanted’, or similar.  And so I complain less and cry more.

My darling mother has just phoned to say she is a phone call away and that I am doing an excellent job as a mother.  That is what I needed to hear. 

Sigh.  Onwards and forwards and hopefully I wont do too much damage to my children in the process.  How can you not be happy when you have this?

Intact

See.  I do listen when you speak.

(I am a little surprised that Adam’s penis got more interest that Adam himself.  Penises are clearly a hot topic).

So little Adam has kept all his bits intact, factory default settings.

Like Julie, when it came to actually seeing that tiny little thing (bigger than Charlie’s though) and the fact that poor little Adam had suffered enough in the NICU, we also just couldn’t inflict any more pain on the poor lad. 

We will let him decide when he is older.  We were just not prepared to take any chances, no matter how small.  And that was the decider. 

So you see, when I ask your advice I do hear what you have to say. 

On Demand vs Schedules

Water still damn chilly. 

Two babies is way way harder than one.  Especially when the second one is a windy little bugger.  Last night saw total sleeping time of about two hours.  Ah well.  Onwards and forwards.

So, the waking up every three hours to feed thing does not seem to be working.  When we wake the babes up for a feed they are still sleepy and getting them to drink is a nightmare.  We strip them down, use a cool face cloth etc.  They just want to sleep.  And we are suffering from the worst heat wave ever.  I am having air conditioning installed next  week.  Hopefully it will help.

My (untrained but enthusiastic) nanny suggested we let them sleep and wake for a feed by themselves.  So that they wake up hungry.  What do you think?

I know a routine is v important when you have twins, and I will have one when they are bigger, but for the first six weeks, when things are so hectic and growing is so important, the on demand thing seems like a good idea?

Every mother tells you the first six weeks are hectic, and that you just muddle through.  I am prepared for that.  I also firmly believe you can’t ‘spoil’ a newborn baby, not in the first six weeks.  So I am not that worried about establishing bad habits now.  I will do whatever it takes.

My main priority is making sure they get enough to eat so that they can grow.  After six weeks I will start worrying about sleeping through the night and routines.

I am feeling horribly inadequate.  The nurses in the NICU got Adam to drink his full bottle every three hours, that is why he was released yesterday.  I am barely managing half of that.  It is very distressing.  And he is so windy, a feed takes ages and I SUCK at bringing up winds.  I just know that his first weigh in is going to be bad.

He drinks a bit of milk, then gets a wind and wont drink again until it is out.  But because I am so bad at getting the winds out, he falls asleep before I have finished burping him and then wont drink any more either. 

If he hasn’t gained weight, or heaven forbid, lost weight by next week’s weigh in will it mean I am a crap mother?  What if he never gains weight?  Am I doing my son terrible harm by not getting the full allotment of milk down each day?

Kate in comparison is far easier.  Because she does not suffer from winds, feeding her is easy.  Just feed, small wind and off to sleep.  Adam takes about an hour to feed and burp, and even then you might not get all the wind up or have him finish all his milk.  I get so despondent that I give up trying to wind him, which just makes it worse.

What do you do with a baby who has lots of winds?????  It is so hard.

I am not complaining, I am happy and in love with my babies, I just feel like I am doing a crap job meeting their needs.  And I need some advice.

Help!