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it is just so wonderful... good luck... and best wishes.

They are beautiful Tertia!

I think it's normal to mourn the loss of a "dream". My son was born via emergency c-section which involved me being under general anesthesia. I missed the entire experience, and the anesthesia left my memories of those first hours very cloudy at best. It took a long time for me to come to terms with it all.

He is now 5 years old, and although I still "miss it", it really doesn't matter. He is happy, healthy and all the other things a Mom wants her child(ren) to be.

Your children are absolutely adorable - and with a mother like you they're bound to thrive.

B.t.w.: My friend's baby is 5 months old (full term healthy, 4 kg boy) and she only recently confessed to me that she felt totally inadequate, helpless and anxious for the first 5 weeks, fearing each day and each night that she might not handle her "tiny" son properly. Seems to be normal to feel that way. I bet I will too, once our daughter is born in April. ;-)

oh, it's so hard at first, isn't it? Everything you're going through, everything, is normal, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I have three children, two who were overdue, and one who was born at 34 weeks, and it's true that you do worry more about the preemies. I was never a love at first sight kind of person, and it took me a little while to fall in love with all my children. I always felt guilty and flawed, because everyone talked about how they were in love with their children from the moment they saw them. I would have thrown myself in front of a train for them, but as you say, I didn't know them at all. And having a child in the NICU makes you feel more disconnected.

But that does change, honest. It can take a while- longer for some people than others. When your babies start smiling at you, it will make all the difference in the world.

I'm so glad you have some help. It seems to me that the first few months of having a child (or children!) is just enduring that time. I read somewhere that having a child is akin to being indoctrinated into a cult--the sleep deprivation, the lack of personal time, the constancy of the experience. You're in this altered state that allows you to form an incredibly intense bond with your baby.

Okay, I'm starting to sound like freak here, but I just wanted to reassure you, for what it's worth, that you are not alone. You can want a child with all your heart, and still have a very hard time adjusting to the reality of having one. But it's so worth it, as you already know! Sorry for the assvice. I just can't shut up. All the very best to you and your husband and your two gorgeous children.

My God they're gorgeous! I am amazed that we haven't had an "I just can't take it" post yet - you must be so exhausted, yet you seem to be handling everything incredibly well. Thank you so much for the updates. I can't wait for Adam to come home to be with his family and then everyone will be together.

I will pray that both little ones learn to eat a little better..

Everything you are feeling is normal. I felt everything myself (mother of preemie twin boys). Hang in there. I promise it does get better. I am so glad you have wonderful help. Please keep us updated as much as you can (I know you are so worn out). I can't wait until you bring Adam home, this sounds weird, but it makes it even better when he does get home. By the way, You will do a great job!!!

Prayers

Brandy

Your babies are beautiful and you are doing amazingly well. Everything you are feeling is well within the normal range of things.

Just keep going...if you can make it through these first few months, you can make it through it all!

Hi T. Got some practical advice for you at my place. Neen is so organised, but she missed some important bits. :-D

First, they are gorgeous! Absolutely beautiful babies.

Second, I could have written the part of your post about not knowing your baby still in the hospital. I just felt awful about myself. Here I had one baby at home who I could love and snuggle and care for with nobody telling me what to do or how to do it. Then, I would go to the cold, sterile hospital and they would hand me this wire covered baby.. I could only see his face through the blankets.. and tell me I could only hold him for this many minutes. How CAN you bond that way? Plus, we were always there for feedings which naturally meant that he was sleeping!

I worried so much that I was going to be more bonded with the baby already home. That all flew out the window the day he finally came home. He and I are actually MORE connected on some levels.

Try not to worry, in many ways it will be easier when Adam comes home. At least you won't have to be torn between two places. It's so nice to see your babies all snuggled up together!

You are doing great!

Ah, Tertia, you are bearing an enormous physical and emotional burden with great grace and fortitude--the high-risk and difficult pregnancy, the traumatic birth, Adam's serious illness, the feeding issues, exhaustion, etc., etc., and all only a year after the aching loss of Ben. Give yourself every break you can, and if (understandably) you have moments where you don't feel graceful, all of us will remind you that you are Gorgeous and Divine and that this will pass. Sending warm thoughts and wishing I could be there to run a load of laundry or drive you to and fro the hospital so you could get a little rest...

I am also secretly scared of how I feel about him, I know I love him, very much, but I don’t know him.  We have spent so little time together, he doesn’t feel like he is mine.  I don’t know my son.  I guess I will get to know him soon.

You say it so well. I didn't feel that Charlie was truly ours until we started doing most of his care ourselves — until we roomed in at the hospital with him. It's not until I knew his noises in the night that I really felt I knew him. And even now I'm learning.

The way we kept Charlie awake for feedings was to do things that pissed him off, what Paul calls "noxious stimuli." A real winner was taking a cool, damp cloth and swabbing his face with it. Or I guess you could just tell him that Kate's claimed the best crib for herself; maybe that would get a rise out of him.

I have to confess that when my girls were in the hospital, I was terrified at the idea of them actually coming home. As much as a mother should want her children there with her, it was easier "visiting" and knowing that a nurse was watching to make sure that they were eating/sleeping/burping/breathing the way they were supposed to. If I can figure out how, I may email you a picture of my itty bitty girls, who were well under 4 pounds at birth, just to make you feel better about the size of your little ones. It is hard, it is overwhelming, and to go through all of that while coming off those raging hormones is really hard.

I had a week or so where I had one baby home and one still in the NICU (Fiona, who was a lazy bugger just like your Adam). It was very hard; trying to get used to having Clare at home, feeling guilty about not spending enough time with Fiona in the hospital, worrying that I would feel more "bonded" with Clare, and worried about how I would ever cope with both of them. One day, because of my schedule and my husband's schedule, no one visited Fiona in the hospital at all. I felt so awful that no one went and held her, but it just couldn't be helped that day. And I had it easier than you do, because I had not been through the hell you have been through, I'd also survived this stage with my son (sort of, he was nearly 9 pounds at birth), so it was a little less scary for me, and in the 5-6 weeks the girls were in the NICU, the nurses slowly transitioned more and more of their care to me, so I got to practice taking temperatures, giving baths, burping, feeding, etc. with good instructors supervising me. BUT, you are doing fine. Really you really are. More than fine. I know it is hard not to worry a lot, but I'm sure that Kate is thriving, and Adam will do great when he is home.

One thing that REALLY helped me with my girls, because I was really afraid that they weren't getting enough milk, because they were such terrible nursers, was to get a baby scale. A real doctor's office type scale that was accurate to mere ounces. If you can see, on a daily basis, that your babes are gaining weight, then you will probably feel better that they are getting enough to eat. I also saw my pediatrician quite frequently in the beginning, and he made me feel good about how they were doing.

And on the not feeling special thing, just WAIT until the first time you take those gorgeous little babies out, wearing some darling outfit, in a double stroller, and every single person you pass stops to admire them and to ask you a 1000 stupid questions. As annoying as the questions are, you certainly will feel special.

Last, and then I'll shut up, don't worry if you don't feel "in love" with Adam yet. Under all of the many circumstances of your life, nothing could be more normal. With my son, I felt that flood of emotion and love when he was born. I was much more ambivalent with my girls. First, I had had a very difficult pregnancy, and was very ambivalent about having twins. Second, they were born 9 weeks early, which was just such a shock to me. I felt more protective than loving toward them in the beginning. They were so small and frail-looking, and people cried when they saw them. I never worried that they were going to die, or that they were really sick, but I know friends and family when they saw them didn't know quite what to say. (Except my mother, who just thought they were beautiful.) So I wanted to protect them from that negativity. But it took a while to "fall in love" with them. But I sure did, more and more each day for a while. And now I couldn't love my little girls more. I love them and my son equally.

Hang in there! The first few months are tiring and fretful no matter how big the baby is. I personaly have no real memories of the first three months of either of my sons' lives. :) I'm only half-way kidding.

Believe me full term moms are just as scared as you - we haven't a clue either.
I also missed being pregnant, possibly because it was easier than it is now.
Good Luck - hope Adam comes home soon.

Hang in there, my dear. Thinking good things for you and your beautiful babes.

I remember how overwhelming the first weeks were for me and my twin boys. There's so much going on and you are pulled in a million different directions. It's difficult to sort out and put into words. The lack of sleep definately didn't help the situation.

I remember leaving the hospital with them and thinking I was pulling one over on the nurses and doctors. Didn't they know I really didn't have a clue how to care for them??!! It was kind of scary at first. DH was able to stay home the first week and my mom came up to help for a week. After that I was all alone with them. No family to help out closer than 6 hours by car ride away.

I took longer to bond with Ethan, he was very colicky and unhappy the first couple of months and I felt bad that I didn't feel the strong bond that I thought I should, that I'd read about in books and that I felt for Logan. After I got over the guilt of that, it came on it's own and we are of course very close now.

You have lots of people to talk to and we are all cheering you on. Some days will be bad, but many days will be amazing. Just vent away when you need to, it helps to talk about it obviously.

Dosn't the Clomid Club seem like a million years ago to you? It does to me! please feel free to email me if you have any funky "twins" questions.

thinking of you,
Di

Gosh. Everything sounds so normal. Everything.
How absolutely delightful, even the sad/difficult bits.
I think it sounds like you are doing very well...

Tertia - you're doing so well.

I want to share 1 thing my MIL told me yesterday...the timing is incredible!

"Remember even after the birth, taking care of you IS taking care of the baby. Make sure your body gets what it needs too, even if you have to ask for help to make it happen."

Not only are you normal but you have every right to feel all of those emotions. Your pregnancy was filled with many roller coasters and many unpleasant memories of what could happen and what did happen before. On top of all the emotional aspects of recovering and mothering preemies there are post-partum hormones at work, wreaking havoc I should say. If I'm repeating any of what the other posters have already said, forgive me.

To put it plainly, you will be fine, Kate & Adam will be fine and things will work themselves out. All you have to concentrate on is caring for your babies and learning their personalities. As you said, they have their own likes and dislikes and even though they lived inside you for 36 weeks you still have to get to know them. I can't wait to read the story of Kate and Adam's first birthday when you talk about how their first year went by so fast!

What better reason to delurk than to talk about my daughter's poop?

From the day we brought her home our little girl also experienced what we called constipation but her doctor gave us another explanation.

It seems some babies just can't get the hang of relaxing the muscle and letting the hole open. He claimed it wasn't that uncommon and was quite stressful to the baby. They feel the pressure but don't know what to do about it and can't figure out how to open their hole to let it out. There is a medical term for it but for the life of me I can't remember it. Basically what seems to come natural to some doesn't to others.

The only adjustment he had us make was to always use liquid formula.. not powder. Other than that he told us the only thing we could do was just try and relax, sooth, distract her during those times of the day because it was just first of many life lessons she was going to have to learn for herself. If we tried to help her too much with medication, softeners, or other help methods ... she'd never learn. And it would probably lead to pooping issues throughout childhood.

It was the longest 3 months of my life but she finally got the hang of it.

You're very normal and doing great!

when our son was born (7lbs that quickly went down to 6lbs) he wouldn't nurse. He slept! With tons of help from the midwives and then one day a few hours on the phone with the student midwife, he finally got the hang of it. He would fall asleep after a few sucks. They told us to put a cool cloth on his neck (where is his neck??) to wake him. The best advice was 'skin to skin' contact feeds. It is stimulating for the wee little babes and they nurse longer. Perhaps that will help with your little ones.

Your preemie twins were of a size with my full term daughter (she was 2.8 kg).

Caring for a tiny baby (or two) can be overwhelming. I think, having had one full term baby and one preemie, that we worry more about the preemies, more so if they've had some difficulties after birth. That doesn't mean that the moms of full term babies are worry free, they just have different worries.

Your babies are beautiful, and you'll soon get the hang of caring for them, and keeping them awake while they're eating. I was afraid to hold my son in the NICU because he was so tiny, and I had already been through the newborn stuff with my daughter. A couple of weeks after I got him home, I was slinging him around like a pro.

This is all so so normal.

You're doing a great job, even when you don't feel like it.

If you and the babies are all alive at the end of the day, you're the best mom in the world.

It will get easier. It will get easier.

It took me quite a few weeks before I felt bonded to my son. I loved him, of course, but he didn't feel like mine. It was like having an alien in my home who I sometimes even resented because of the relentlessness of the routine. That changed the more confident I got as a mother. When I had a night nurse who was keeping me in a strict routine, it left little time to bond with the baby. Once I got rid of her and the routine and just tried to pick up in his cues, I felt so much less overwhelmed and so bonded to my baby. I am now crazy, crazy in love, but it wasn't instantaneous - it did take a few weeks, for sure. And it grows stronger all the time. By the time Adam is three months, you won't know what hit you.

PS I miss being pg too because at least then I had an excuse for my huge belly!

I cannot believe you haven't answered your email, you lazy slog!

;)

Beautiful kids, of course!

xo Liz

All of your emotions are completely normal. After my baby was born, I even asked my doctor to "put her back in"! I loved her dearly, but feedings were difficult, sleep was rare, and I missed how easy I had it during pregnancy. Pregnancy isn't easy either, but at least you don't have to worry about getting your baby to eat or sleep! Things will get better.

I still can't believe, everytime I read your blog and see pictures of Adam and Kate, that they're actually here. It just seemed like forever but I wanted it to be forever because I wanted them to stay inside as long as possible.

I've never had twins, but I know from one baby, and I did it all myself, it did get easier.

They're so wonderful. So are you!

Aren't you glad you wrote this post? I had such a rough time the first few months. He was small (just under 5 pounds, or 2.27 kg, when we brought him home, and just over 3 pounds at birth). He bottle-fed OK, but nursing/pumping was an utter nightmare. He spit up a lot, and I wasn't completely convinced that he wasn't going to stop breathing at some point. I was a wreck (just an inch shy of postpartum depression). But it does get better eventually. You'll just have to smack those people who say (possibly only because they think it's expected) how blissfully happy they were from the moment the baby was born. It's hard to be blissful when you don't get enough sleep.

Cuddle with Adam a lot when he comes home, and you'll bond quickly. Let the nanny take care of Kate more so you and Adam can get caught up. And in just 6 to 12 months when they start sleeping through the night, you'll feel so refreshed!

Keep up the good work, Super-Mom!

Well, I am proud of you. I only have one kid, and he was full term...and when he was 2 weeks old the only thing I did was cry. And try to remember to wipe when I went to the bathroom.

You are writing & putting your feelings, concerns, and joys in sentences that actually make sense.

You don't realize it but you are so far ahead of the game. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing fabulous. The first weeks are difficult for all, even in the best scenarios.

5 months from now (it isn't as long as it sounds) you will be feeding, burping, and changing babies while you update the World, and clean bottles. Yes, all at once. Trust me.

Remember you heard it here first.


adam looks even better! he looks much more comfortable, better rested, and even more handsome. he's a lucky boy to look so much like his daddy!

As an IVF "vet" who's followed your journey on and off thru the years, I just wanted to say a heartfelt congrats.

My DD is almost 2 now and I still feel an ache in my heart sometimes when I watch her sleeping or playing. Sorry to tell you this, but the worry never ends. Even though I had an easy L&D and she is doing great, the IVF experience leaves you knowing too much. Of course, the joy is always there too.

I totally know what you mean about missing the pg. (No more for me as turning 45 this year - crap) I know I'm one of the lucky ones and I shouldn't get greedy, but still...that old yearning lingers.

Anyway, your babies are just gorgeous - congrats again!


Tertia,

I am sooo very happy for you! I'm not sure if you remember me back in the TLOL days. We were both on the TTC>30 board together. My little girl, Brenna is 3 now. I have followed you everywhere! Don't worry I'm not stalking, just anxious to here you say "I'm a mom"! My heart broke (although silently) with every bump in the road you hit! As a matter of fact I was very hesitant on posting a remark until you had your little one's in your arms!! Congratulations to you and Marko!

I have a few friends with IF and I tell them your story with updates. You have been an inspiration to a lot of people that you don't even know about.

Everything that you are feeling is completely normal in my opinion. I only have one little one to take care of and I can't tell you how overwhelmed I felt in the first 3 months! My MIL kept saying that it will get better and it did. I didn't believe her at the time! There were actual days that I don't think I even brushed my teeth let alone showered! My DH was home with us for the first 4 weeks. When he was to go back to work I was literally scared to death to be alone with her!

It will get better, especially after Adam comes home and you get a routine going. You will be a great Mom Tertia!! You deserve this more than anyone I know and I am so excited for you!

Good Luck to you, Marko, Adam and Kate!!!

Sounds like a normal adjustment to parenthood to me. It is totally overwhelming. Give yourself some time to adjust.

I can make you one promise...It gets easier! Just take life one day at a time for now. I wish with all my might that I could have a nanny, too ;)

Oh Tertia! It really does get easier. Unfortunately, there are no words anyone can do to help that. Even if we were sitting in the room with you, it is just hard.

That week that AJ was home and Torie was still in NICU was so aweful for me. She just wouldn't stop holding her breath, so they wouldn't let her come home.

Once Adam comes home, you will bond with him. You will forever more feel pulled between them, and feel like you are doing a balancing act of equality. But you know what? I worry about that more at this age (2) than they do. If one feels I am not giving enough attention, they make it known. In the beginning, I kept so many schedules.

As for feeling special, once Adam gets home, and you feel a little comfortable, take them out in your double stroller. You will still be admired and adored. But be forewarned....you are now the mommy to the public, not Tertia by herself. It's pretty awesome.

As an infertile, you spend so much time, energy, and emotions trying to get pregnant. Then, you spend every single second and breath trying to stay that way. If you have had a loss it is hammerred home even more as to just how special you little boarder is, and that just adds to the problem. When it ends, it is so sudden. No matter how ready you feel you are, no matter how wonderful or bad the birth itself is, nothing really prepares you to switch gears quite that quickly. When you spend weeks and months trying to hold those babies in, you suddenly have to let go.

As for waking those babies up, stip them! Cool them off. In the heat you are having, there shouldn't be a problem keeping body temps up, but if you are worried, just simply check the temp under the arm like the NICU has you do before and during feeding. Keep wiping them with cool rags. Sit them up so it isn't quite so easy to snuggle in. I know all about bonding, but if the choice is them losing weight from not eatingor waking them up, you wake them up.

One other suggestion. I was the only one that could get AJ to eat in the hospital. He was sleeping through his feeds. What I noticed though, was that he would be awake about an hour before and after the scheduled feeding time. Those NICU's usually consider that formula/breast milk as a medicine. They get on a schedule and may not give it except then. (I realized this after about a week of watching. Being a nurse, they thought it would sit well with me when they told me that. WRONG!) So, I pitched a hell of a fit and made them reschedule the feedings. He started eating much better. He was still learning to eat, so it didn't magically make all the feeding disappear each time, but it made a huge difference. That should be especially easy to change at home anyway.

Not sure if you'll make it all the way down here (and if you do, you should be ashamed of yourself for reading instead of napping!), but had to chime in with a big hug. Mine was full term and we hadn't had quite the number of bumps in the road you had, but I can so relate to so much of what you posted. My birth experience was great, but as I held him that first time, I wasn't overwhelmed with a flood of love like I always heard adn totally expected. I was overwhelmed with a flood of relief that he'd made it here alive! It wasn't until about a month later that I remember holding him in the glider and it just hit me like a ton of bricks.

As for waking them up to eat (had a nearly 11 pounder here, but still faced issues with keeping him awake to eat - not nearly as stressful though cause he obviously could afford to miss a meal or two!), the two best approaches I found were the cool washcloth to the feet (felt mean, but was effective) and armpits. Newborns HATE to have their armpits messed with.

And I had to laugh at the "special" comment. I remember feeling that way too and it reminded me of a wedding I went to once. Some older woman made a comment that the bride was in for a rude awakening - she'd enjoyed the limelight of being the bride for so long that it was going to be awfully hard to get used to the letdown of just being an ordinary person again. I sort of felt like it was a lot like that after having my son.

I can't wait for you to all be in the same house finally! You'll love Adam just as much as Kate - you just have to get the chance to find out more about him.

Christine

A comment about your feelings for Adam... I felt something similar with each of my babies and both were full term. I loved them, but didn't feel like I *knew* them. In the early weeks, I couldn't picture their faces when I wasn't with them. I felt certain this was the sign of a bad mother. Shouldn't I at least remember what they looked like? But as I got to know them, that changed. You'll get to know Adam, just as well as you know Kate. In five years, these days waiting for him to come home will be a faint memory.

I know how you feel...I had one babe in the hospital and one at home. I just didn't bond with the hospital guy till he came home. I was worried too, but the first night home he was very fussy, and would not settle down...until I laid him on my chest. I could literally feel him sigh with relief, like "THIS is what I've been missing" (he lived under my heart for 9 months after all). From that moment, we were bonded.

Your time will come...believe it.

I didn't feel together until my son was 4 months old. It is a big adjustment and the light came on suddenly one day. I didn't realize that I'm not a baby person until I had a baby. If I am ever so lucky as to have another, I'm sure it'll be the same way. Although I definitely did not wish the time away, I have discovered that they are SO much fun when they get older.

Hey MOM

Have not called or e-mailed as I know what these first weeks are like, but I have been thinking of you ALOT. You said it all so well and that earlier e-mail I sent (pre-birth) was because I knew this was coming. I went through it and it is scary. I missed being pregnant, hell I even missed NSC, being special, looked after. The responsibility is overwhelming and suddenly your body is out of the equation - it still has to do loads of stuff but it is not the primary end all and be all (bummer). Spent the first weeks wishing they had given me the crying/weeing doll so that at least I would have had some vague clue. With fertility this also comes with a whack of guilt (your goal is reached now what the hell do I do?!) so all I can say is been there, done that, got the t-shirt it passes and in a few weeks you will have it waxed - this does pass. Clearly remember thinking it does not but believe you me it does and going through it is really part of what becoming a parent is about. Love you stacks and you have BEAUTIFUL children.

Having had a full term baby born on the same day as Kate and Adam I have to agree that that is far easier. I've got a good sleeping baby and I know I couldnt wake her to feed. She does doesn't wake when she is sleepy. But I don't have to. She grows and grows. So don't underestimate what you're doing. It is tougher! (and that is besides the fact that I only have one and have done this once before).

You will be fine (tired but fine) but it is not as easy as a full term baby!

Mijk

P.S. Yes I feel strangely empty too. Miss my belly!

At the risk of sounding like my dead granny, I say:

vaseline on a ear-bud to stimulate the anus (very, very gently) works like a charm. I once told my doc about it and he gave me the go-ahead to try for Kiera and I swear to god it works like a charm.

Very messy sometimes but such a relief for the little one. Sounds terribly cruel but if you are gentle enough it wont hurt.

Good luck and carry on lovvvvving it all, baby!

It's scary to think of one's child coming home, but it'll work out fine. I'm constantly amazed at how resilient these babies can be.

A suggestion, if it hasn't already been suggested: get a breathing monitor. Basically a mat that's placed under the the cot mattress. If the breathing stops for too long, and alarm goes off. We were paranoid about Morgan because of his lung issues, and that monitor gave us a great deal of peace of mind (especially since Morgan would only sleep on his tummy). I think they're even covered by Discovery.

Anyway, it sounds like your doing great!

Hi,
I just wanted to chime in with the rest and say that your feelings are soooo normal. I remember the first day after I brought my son home I was so scared. I didn't have the protection of having the nurses right there in case I did something wrong.
Then the first few weeks were soooo hard. I cried all the time. I was so tired, because I had to keep getting up for his feedings, sometimes it was just so hard to get him back to sleep at night and he would cry and cry, which when I was really over tired would set me in tears. But, I have made it past that hurdle. As hard as it can be and get, I can still look in his eyes and has he flashes me one of his smiles I just melt.
So, my point is, don't beat yourself up if you feel like you're drowning, or if you need to cry out for help. I'm sure everyone who has been in your shoes knows what you're feeling. Plus, with twins, I think you get at least triple the amount of grace offered to us with just a singleton!
Bless you!
dani

Tertia, I think you are doing fantastically well under the circumstances--just keep hanging in there. Please don't feel guilty about that love-at-first-site stuff. Everything you are feeling is normal. The only reason we have self-doubts is because some obnoxious group of women in recent years decided that they were the first people in the history of the world to discover pregnancy, birthing, breastfeeding, and mothering and set up all these unrealistic expectations so that the rest of us could feel inadequate. "Don't care." (remember?) :-) The very first time I saw my son, and more specifically, his head, I was horrified, and that's the honest truth. I can admit it now. :-) At least your C-section babies have beautiful heads!

It sounds like everything you are feeling is completely normal. It is scary to have such tiny babies. They need alot more care than a full term baby does. My daughter was 2lbs when she was born spent 2 1/2 mos in the NICU and even once we got home I still had the issues you ar having now. Lazy eater, couldn't find a bottle small enough for her(other than the disposable ones from the hospital) hard to burp etc... It can be very exhausting but it gets easier everyday. You are an amazing Mom and I can't wait till Adam comes home and you can spend that special time bonding with him.

I remember after my daughter was born I thought for sure that it was too good to be true. I would not be able to keep this little girl forever, something bad was going to happen. I couldn't imagine life a week later or even the next day, I had to live in that day and minute. I constantly checked to make sure she was breathing and still alive. And she was full term.

I can't imagine what it must be like to have a premie. I imagine all that multiplied several times for the realities of their special condition.

Yet, this time of their being tiny is short in the expanse of time. This stuff will all become old hat. You will become an expert on all things baby just as they start toddling. You will be proud and wistful.

So take lots of pictures and know that this is temporary. You will gain experience and strength every day, just as they do. You are their mother and so will be more important to them than anyone (except maybe Marko) for their entire lives, especially now.

You're doing great and they look absolutely perfect. Congratulations!

The babies are just beautiful!
I felt all the same emotions after giving birth, plus mourning the end of IVF (isn't that a kicker.)
Some suggestions:
My sister (mom to a 34 wker) suggests soy formula for the gas & constipation. Her son was allergic to dairy (but even a slight aversion to milk can cause major gas.)
I suggest gripe water (in the states we have colic ease (www.colicease.com)) It is so much better than gas drops. It works great & I'm still using it at 8 mths w/ Mayah.

You're babies are so beautiful! I pray Adam comes home very soon!

We had to put a tsp. or Karo syrup in dd bottles for the constipation. Not sure if you have that over there.

As everyone has said you are so v v normal. All of the mothers of twins that I have 'talked' with say that taking care of twins is more than twice the work as taking care of a singleton. So take advantage of anyone who offers (or passers-by you can drag in off the street) to help.

And as for loving your son...it wasn't 'love at first sight' for me either. And my son only spent 3 days in the NICU (under bilirubin lights). The thing is that while he was under the lights I couldn't hold him. I could only sit in a chair next to him and look at him...not exactly conducive to building a maternal bond.

But now I love him with all my heart and soul...as you will (and do) your sweet Adam. When he comes home and you get to be with him 24/7 you will bond with him.

I think it's VERY normal to miss being pg. It's all you think, dream and talk about for months on end, and even with all it's ups and downs, it's such a special experience. And then it's over in the blink of an eye. It takes a while to readjust. (Think about it ... it took a while to get used to being pg, and it's going to take a while to NOT being pg). Heck, I felt the same way with my wedding, too!

I was re-reading this entry, and I remembered something when I was reading about Kate's tummy problems. Aidan had a very upset tummy, lots of gas and tummy pains at the beginning. When we talked to our pediatrician, she asked us which formula we were using and suggested we switch to something with less IRON (we were using one that was Iron fortified). Apparently preemies have an even harder time digesting it, and it can stop them up. We noticed an immediate improvement when we switched over. I have NO idea if this is what's going on with Kate, but I thought I'd mention it, just in case.

I'm convinced that that "love at first sight" thing is a myth. Maybe it's reserved for unmedicated, uncomplicated vaginal births where the connection is so immediate and clear.

My daughter didn't spend the night in my hospital room until a few days after she was born. I remember the feeding was like an auto-pilot thing. I woke up to her crying at like 3:00 AM, stumbled to the bathroom and then picked her up and (attemped) to breast feed her. I remember there was no particular joy to it; just the knowledge that she was hungry and needed to be fed, and that I was her mother. It was a few days before I fell head over heels in love and realized the magnitude of the bond. I've been in sort of an "earthly paradise"* ever since.

*This is a reference to a beautiful painting by Lawrence Alma-Tadema.

I've been lurking over here at your blog for a couple of weeks now. I love how honest you are in your posts.

Congratulations on your new babies!

My first child was 8 weeks premature and only weighed slightly over 4 lbs. at birth. She turned out just fine, I'm sure your little guy in the hospital will be a fighter like my daughter was.

Hang in there, its hard work but its worth it in the long run.

(((hugs)))

I don't want to seem like a bitch or anything, but I must say I felt like slapping you a bit Tertia when you were going on about how you will cope....you have a nanny/helper as you have pointed out--many women don't. In fact, a friend of mine had twins, which she looked after ALONE as her husband had left her. She had no money, and no help. Not everyone's husband drives black merc Tertia, and not everyone has a nanny. In fact, I'd say MOST don't. So please, think about what you have, that many others don't. If you think your life is hard, imagine looking after twins, alone, on about $350 a week with no help or support.

ME, I don't want to seem like a bitch or anything, but if you felt it was difficult to read Tertia's post and have patience, imagine how difficult it is for the rest of us to have to read YOUR self-righteous post and have patience. I mean, come on, think about it the next time you feel like complaining about how bad you have it. The rest of us have it a lot worse when you're around.

It would be absurd to follow your line of reasoning--then no one in the world has a right to complain, ever, because there is always someone out there who is worse off, right? And I guarantee you that no matter what you have faced in your life, there will be someone (or a few someones) who feels like slapping you. So do us a favor and SHUT UP. This is Tertia's blog and she can say whatever the hell she wants.

Tertia - never feel guilty for ah, feeling guilty. I felt the same way about missing pregnancy, having doors opened, feeling kicks, etc. I also had a tough adjustment getting to "know" each of my three children, getting over my C-Sections (major emotional trauma, I won't clog your blog with my details but if you ever want to know I do have horror stories)...you name it. Mine were full-term, overdue even, and I'm not sure how much of a difference that makes in what you're feeling. You would still be exhausted and insecure if they were full term, or even if there was only one of them. Babies are difficult little things that sleep when you don't want them to and are awake when you want them sleeping. You'll get through it. Once you hit the two month mark, you'll look back and be amazed at what all the fuss was about.

You will do a fabulous job with Adam home! Enjoy!

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