So Close

Getting Ready

Believe it or not, it is time to start getting ready for the almost impossible to believe fact that I may just be bringing home a baby or two in the very near future.  It is getting increasingly difficult to live in denial and so preparation must, and has, begun.

1.  Nursery is ready.  CHECK 

2.  Supplies have been bought     CHECK

3.  Clothes have been washed  CHECK   

4.  Blanket and sheets washed and packed away  CHECK 

5.  Bottles etc have been sterilized and are ready CHECK

6.  Birth announcement list done CHECK

7.  Hospital bag packed NOT DONE!!

I have started to get some stuff   (well darling mother got it for me) but I am having a PJ’s crisis.  I do not own any pj’s.  Comfy old (very old, sleeves cut off, holes) T-shirts is about as far it goes.  Now as much I feel it’s perfectly ok to walk around in the hospital in my old T-shirt and comfy underpants (sans holes of course), apparently this is not the done thing.

So now I have to get some ‘proper’ PJ’s, ones that open in the front.  What a waste of money!! 

Also, how can I pack my hospital bag now?  Unless I don’t brush my teeth or wash my bits until I go in?  Nice thought but I kind of need my stuff in the mean time.  So what should I pack in the bag now?  Clean underpants (check no holes), the naff PJ’s, what else?  I wont be labouring so I don’t need that labour shit.  Should I bring my pedicure set?  How about a few trashy novels?  A going out outfit?  High heels? WTF does one pack in the hospital bag?  Help pls.

Oh shit, breast pads, I need to pack breast pads (thanks J for reminding me).  And my breast pump.  Oh, and the maternity surfboard pad things.  Hey, I am filling my bag up.  Cool. 

Am off to find suitable bag to pack things in.

The long-suffering husband

So often in times like these (infertility, high risk pregnancy, loss etc), everyone focuses on the woman, on how she is feeling, how she is coping etc.  Part of this is understandable, it is women who bear the physical brunt of most of this, but emotionally, men suffer too.

As I have mentioned before, Marko is the strong silent type.  Sometimes too silent.  He is not a big chatter, in fact his most hated words are “lets chat” or even worse “we need to chat”.  If a normal male speaks 2500 words a day (a woman speaks 5000), then some guy out there is has an extra 1000 because Marko only speaks 1500 words a day, 1250 of those at work dealing with difficult clients, needy staff and an interfering boss.  The dogs and cat get 50, which leaves me with 200, if I am lucky. 

When Ben was born he was incredible, he was so strong and so positive.  When Ben died he was equally amazing.  He went to go pick up Ben’s ashes (I couldn’t do it), he had to deal with an emotional wreck of a wife, who openly admitted she no longer wanted to live. 

Add to that four years of infertility and losses. Plus add to that this incredible year of living day by day in a fearful state, of having to phone your wife every day in trepidation, asking “are you ok?  No cramping?”  Plus an exceptionally stressful working environment, and a job that is going through change.  Building a new house, moving (all while your wife is indisposed).  Sleeping in the guest room because your enormous wife is sprawled across the marital bed.  No sex for months and months.  Money worries (will I get paid maternity leave), plus the fact that he has to do all the household chores while I am on bedrest. 

And then lastly, being married to me.  Anal, scared, paranoid, anxious, can’t cook, slightly whiney but mostly divine me.

The man deserves a flipping medal.

Last night for the first time he admitted he is tired.  He is exhausted and his stress quota is full. I don’t blame him. It has been a hectic year for both of us, yet in a way it’s been harder for him.  He comes from the cowboys-don’t-cry school, carrying that all around must be so hard.  I have all of you, I have my therapist, I have my lovely AD’s.  He only has me.  And he is very fond of his cave, much worse than I am.

Even though he is a massive pain in the ass, stubborn from hell asshole, I love him very much.  The poor man had no idea what he was signing up for when he asked this five years older woman to marry him.  (An old chick with fucked up reproductive bits, but we wont go into that now)

Now can you understand why I let the man get the plasma screen TV?   

Of course all these loving feelings might change in an instant if / when he acts like an asshole and irritates me, but for now, he is my favourite husband, and I do love him, dearly.

Apnea Monitor?

A quickie:

Here you get a baby monitor thingy that comes with apnea mats to put under the baby.  It’s made by a company called AngelCare I think.

Should I get these?  They are v v expensive, and apparently you don’t use them for long, but obviously being the paranoid person I am, I want to make sure I do the right thing.

I think the babies will sleep in bassinettes in my room, next to my bed for the first months or so.  I think so, although I am not sure what will suit our family best.

So, do I get the apnea monitors or just the normal baby monitor?  I’ve heard about false alarms etc but I also don’t want to be getting out of bed every five seconds to check if they are still breathing.

Vodacom SMS to email

Message from the cave. Feeling better. About to come out. Just finishing off the wine and snacks. Thanks for all the support. T xx

Stockholm Syndrome, of another kind

As I said yesterday, I have been feeling a bit (a lot) down lately, very cave’ish.  (Although I do feel better today, yesterday was just too much for me, my worry quota is full, I honestly can’t handle one more thing to worry about).

One enormous factor is how anxious I am about the babies coming and being able to cope and do the right thing, the other relates to what I have written below.

Here is some thing really weird.  Before you tell me to ‘just’ any thing, please try and understand what I am trying to say.  And obviously I am grateful to be where I am, can we take that as a given please?  I don’t want to have to repeat that every time I express a fear.  I promise you, I am truly grateful.

The truth is, I am scared to be leaving Infertile Tertia and the world of infertility behind.  You see, infertility is all I have known for the last five years.  I have lived, breathed, and eaten it.  It has defined who I am, it has become an integral part of my personality.  Infertility is what I know.  I am really good at it, I know stuff, I know people.  I have a masters degree in infertility.  It has given me my friends; it has defined my social space.  I became damn good at living in this world.  As shit as it was, it was what I knew.  In a warped way I felt safe and connected.

Oh, I will always be infertile, but because I will not be trying for any more children (can’t ever go through this again), I won’t be living in that world any more.  For all this time I have wanted nothing more than to leave the hellish infertility world behind.  And yet, as I am about to leave I feel naked, vulnerable.  And incomplete.  Suddenly I am no longer special, no longer different.  I am no longer part of the club.  Yes that’s weird and warped but it has become so part of who I am, that taking it away feels as if it leaves a huge gaping hole.  Who am I now?  Every thing I know is about infertility, I know nothing about this new world. 

I certainly don’t want to be still battling with infertility any more, but I also don’t want to ever forget it all and just move on.  These past years have left such indelible marks on my soul that I can’t ever be the same person any more.  To forget the past would be to pretend the last five years never happened, that Ben, Luke and my other babies never happened.  Yet I may no longer live in that world.

What will I do?  What will ‘normal’ life be like?  Will I ever find a closer, more caring group of people whom I feel such a strong bond to?  I felt so proud to be a part of such an amazing group of women.  It became my home.  Infertility feels safe, it’s what I know.  Normal / mother, I know nothing about.  The future seems so unknown, and feels so scary.  I am feeling quite overwhelmed by all of this. If I am not infertile Tertia, who am I?

I know every infertile woman must be saying to themselves “just shut the fuck up and be grateful you are no longer living in this hell”, and I am.  However, it is like being in jail for so long. When you are in jail, all you dream about is leaving, until the day of your release, when suddenly, the big wide open world seems so scary, the cold, hard routine of jail strangely comforting.  You’ll never willingly go back, you want to leave, but it is with huge trepidation that you take your first steps to freedom.

And a terrible thought lingers…. What if reality is nowhere near as wonderful as the fantasy?  What if the prize is not what I expected?  After putting happiness on hold for so long, what if the hole isn’t filled?  I feel terrible thinking these thoughts, I hate myself for doing this.  Maybe it’s the hormones, maybe it’s fear of the unknown.  I feel out of my depth.  I don’t know what is going on with me. 

Does any of this make sense?

*Stockholm Syndrome:  "It's important to note that these symptoms occur under tremendous emotional and often physical duress. The behavior is considered a common survival strategy for victims of interpersonal abuse, and has been observed in battered spouses, abused children, prisoners of war, and concentration camp survivors."

Monday Update

Feeling blah.

Gestation:  33w3d.

Babies:  Babies appear to be fine, we did the non-stress test and they both appear to be fine.  However there is slightly less fluid around Kate, although still pockets of 3cm.  Dr not worried, Tertia worried because that is what she does.  (WTF does less fluid mean?  Another thing to worry about)

Dr says that the focus now changes from pre-term labour to fetal well-being.

Cervix:  Slightly shorter, Dr’s measures 2.5 (Conservative Dr measured 2cm two weeks ago), according to my calculations I am 2cm on this Dr’s measurements which means I am probably around 1.5 on Conservative Dr’s measurements.  Also slight funneling.  To be expected I suppose. Blah blah.

I just have to cross my legs for another two weeks or so, and then I feel like telling them to take the babies out, I don’t want to worry about them inside any more, I want them where I can see them and see that they are breathing and ok every second of the day.  I am tired of being worried and scared.  It’s been a long year.

I don’t know what is wrong with me (well actually I do, more on this tomorrow) but I am feeling very cave’ish.

As it is getting towards the end I am becoming increasingly anxious.  And when I get like this I tend to retreat into my cave.

Sorry for being so blah, I am kicking my own ass like mad to try and snap out of it.  (Julie normally does the ass kicking for me)

Next appointment next Tues (Monday is a holiday here) with partner Dr while my Dr is on vacation and then a big fetal well-being scan the week after that.

I need a cigarette and a big glass of wine.  Instead I am having grapes and some water.  Not quite the same effect.

The PO Box address

Remember Julie's request....

"A handmade card, a drawing you've done, a poem you've written, a photo you've taken, a favorite passage from a book you love — anything personal and tangible that I can keep and show to Charlie when he's older, to let him know how many people wished him well from the very earliest moments of his life."

(I think Julie meant to say 'favourite', must be giving birth that has made her brain a bit mushy)

Well the PO Box address has been set up.  Post your stuff to:

Julie Alittlepregnant / Charlie Batboy

PO Box 383
Montpelier, VT  05602

And to any trolls out there, no smut or rude or nasty things.  Don't be an asshole.  This is not about you, this is about a tiny little boy.  Try and remember that. 

You can however send your business card if you are a plumber.  Because there is a lot of shit going down in that house.

PS:  You guys rock, thanks so much for the fantastic job you've done with your shopping spree.  I am sure snot is going to fly when Julie sees all the stuff.  Her preparations up until now have been:

1.  Painted walls

2.  New floor

So every single thing you have bought for Charlie is really needed and most appreciated by the Bat Family.

The Batshower has begun!

So, here we go, the big Batbuyout for the Bat Family.

First up, I must say a HUGE thanks to Susan (aka Boulder) who did this all by herself, she set up all the lists, added every thing and generally did a stunning job.  Unlike me, she does not have to rely on Ibex connectivity, so kindly offered to help out. Or else we would still be waiting for the lists when Charlie was two.

So, ready steady SHOP:

Target.com:  Lots of items are registered here, simply because Julie has access to Targets if she’d like more of an item, to exchange something or in case something needs to be returned, since she does not have a Babies’R’Us in her home state.

Remember that gift cards are also an option on Target.com, and Julie & Paul can use these cards for things like “cotton buds, pacifiers, teats, dinky feeders” and diapers along the way, or towards things like their choice of car seat, stroller, high chair and the like.

Link to Target’s registry search:

First Name:  Julie
Last Name:  Alittlepregnant

Extra savings at Target.com are available with these codes:
10% off orders $100+ Code: TCAMAZNBBCPN or TCSAVETENFJW Exp 12/31
10% off your first order Code: TDWELCME222 (Exp unknown)

Highlights:  changing pads & covers, Pack ‘n’ Play, swing, bouncy seat, activity mat, hamper, mattress covers, bumper pad, coordinating sheets, coordinating blankets, “Butt” paste, tub, tub toys, tub toy holder, wiper warmer, Boppy & covers, Baby Bjorn carrier, baby monitor, “Cozy” infant seat cover, receiving blankets, various toys, all things Avent (starter set, microwave steamer - so she doesn’t have to start up a dishwasher if she doesn’t want to, express bottle & food warmer, a set of sippy cups), an instant thermometer, Lansinoh cream, Halo sleep sacks (in small & medium, because we think Charlie is going to be TALL!), & lots of layette things:  bodywear/sleepwear sets, infant fleece baby bundle, baby gift sets, burping cloths & bib sets, bath, hooded towels & wash cloth sets.

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Amazon.com:  Remaining items or preferred items that were not available at Target.com, as well as some additional layette gifts.

Gift Certificates are an option here as well if you don’t see just what you are looking for, and can be used at any Amazon partner by Julie & Paul for things like board books, music, or towards their car seat, stroller, high chair, and the like.

Link to Amazon’s Babies R Us registry:
First Name:  Julie
Last Name:  Alittlepregnant

Highlights: layette things:  infant gathered bottom gowns, snap t-shirts, hooded towels, envelope tops, coveralls, hats, booties, mittens, bibs, as well as “Snuzzler” infant support, “Bundle Me” lite, Hospital’s choice 30 piece kit, Gerber gift set (lotions & potions), “Swaddle Me” wrap, additional sheets in soft white, receiving blankets, crib mirror, “Sound Sleeper,” “Diaper Champ,” infant feeding set, Medela Soft Shells for sore nipples, “Symphony-in-Motion” mobile, Ocean Wonders Aquarium, and various Fischer-Price & Lamaze toys.

You asked for it & you’ve got it:

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Paypal donations can be made too!

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And don’t forget Julie’s request on behalf of projectlinus.org, where you can make a blanket on Charlie’s behalf or make a donation if you prefer.

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NOTE:

Julie will have a Post Office Box set up soon for cards and inspirational notes she mentioned as a request.  So watch this space for that address.

Also, don't worry about packages arriving before they are home because they've made arrangements to ensure the packages are collected and safe.

All okay? 

Watch this space!

Details of the Batshower should be up today (Friday).

So get your credit cards ready girls, it's time for some SHOPPING!

V v funny!! Must read.

You know the post I did about where have all the good men gone? 

Well Bob took offense:

I am in absolute awe. If you want a regular guy, maybe you should go back in time and not reject who you thought was uninteresting. I will concede to the fact that most of the time it is a subconcious action, but think back and i'm sure you'll think of at least one or two that you probably didn't give a fair chance.

What really surprises me is that never once did any of you even for a second submit the possibiliy that any of the responsibility might lay in your own hands.

Where are all the nice guys? They are out there, but not where you will be looking for them. Should you find one, be careful not to waste the opportunity, or you may very well find yourself typing into a blog once more about how horrid all males are. Once again wondering what you have
done to deserve such a lonely home tap-tap-tapping away on the computer to your internet friends instead of being with someone who cares about you.

Most of all NOT wondering how YOU might aid the situation, and instead believing men are the true source of your misery.

Now, i am not defending the actions of a 49 year old man going to raves. He's a freak. 

Whatever, i've had this conversation before, in my secret lair with all my nice guys friends.

Bob!!  It’s ok, deep breathes, I don’t think all men are assholes, hey I married a really nice one (man, not asshole, although occasionally he has been known to act like a prize asshole). 

I love men, in fact so do all the commenters, which is why they are still holding out hope that they find a really nice one because we know they do exist.  Not sure if they exist in your secret lair though.  I never said all men were horrid?  And “lonely home tap-tap-tapping away on the computer to your internet friends instead of being with someone who cares about you.” – that’s a little harsh don’t you think Bob?  I have a lovely home, with a lovely husband, I am supremely happy, but I do despair of the ‘princes who turn into toads’ that my friends seem to end up with.

And it’s not that these toads were ‘uninteresting’ as you claim but rather psychopathically weird.  And thank you for not defending the middle-age-crises-49-year-old at raves.  Cos that’s just plain bloody odd.

What’s your suggestion Bob?  Let’s work on this together.  Were should attractive, single, NORMAL, not-even-that-fussy women go to meet a nice, normal man?  And why are you in a lair?

I am sorry I laughed at your comment, but you just seemed to be so angry.  You ok now?